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Welcome to the ADHD Mums podcast, a safe place for everyday Australian
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mums to discuss their struggles with ADHD, motherhood, and life.
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Hello, and welcome to another episode of ADHD Mums.
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Today, we have one that I personally shoved into the schedule desperately
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because I was so keen to do it.
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It's probably going to end up personal coaching for me, but I'm hoping
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it's relevant for everybody else.
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And that is ADHD and sensory overwhelm, identifying triggers and finding relief.
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Welcome to you, Rebecca Torpey.
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Thank you for having me.
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And Rebecca Torpey is a OT.
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So we've brought a expert on.
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Most people cringe when I say expert, but look.
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That's as expert as it gets.
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She is a mum of two girls who are five and seven.
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So they're quite young and noisy . Rebecca also has ADHD.
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She's pretty much hitting exactly what I want to get on this podcast.
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I always try and showcase Australian ADHD mums, because they've got that
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beautiful blend of lived experience.
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plus education And experience that we all
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+want to learn from.
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So I'm really excited, did you want to talk about how you
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wrote me that email, Rebecca?
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Yeah, it was in the school holidays and I was having one of those days that
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we all have as ADHD mums or just as mums in general where their kids are
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refusing to go to their holiday program.
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And I was basically just putting off calling the clients to cancel
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them and distracting myself.
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I've been thinking about sending you an email for so long.
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And I was like, I'm just going to do it.
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And I just wanted to highlight the importance that I feel.
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we need to place on understanding our sensory preferences and understanding
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what sensory processing is because it's such a huge part of our challenges
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for parenting in general, but challenges if you are neurodivergent
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because the way you are perceiving sensory input is really challenging.
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Just thinking about school holidays and everything that's going on , it's the
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noise, you're out of your normal routines.
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I just ended up emailing you saying, Hi.
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This is something I really care about.
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Have you ever thought about having someone, it doesn't need to be me, but
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I really feel like it would be valuable for you to share it with your listeners.
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It was it was such an interesting, cause I do get a lot of emails these days.
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And I always, as I said, try and prioritize Australian ADHD mums.
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I always prioritize people that actively listen.
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I wrote back straight away and I was like, I don't know when we're going
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to fit this in, but we're going to fit this in because I had, Found in
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my, I hate using the word journey, but look, it is a bit of a journey.
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There's no real word for it.
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With ADHD meds that I was left with some just significant sensory issues.
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But I didn't know what to do about it.
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And I was reluctant to go back to my psychiatrist who I don't
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have a great relationship with.
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you know, The wait list for psychiatrists is fucking awful.
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So to get a good one, just anyway, we don't prioritize ourselves enough.
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But the point is that I've been in a real crisis the last, I'm going to say,
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six months in terms of sensory overload.
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I think that we will talk about sensory overload a lot.
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But yet, do we really know what it is?
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And do we really know the strategies?
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of how to I suppose deal with it, which is why I was so keen for Rebecca to come on.
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So if we jump right in what exactly is sensory overload?
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So sensory overload is essentially a response when we have too much
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information coming into one or many of our senses and it essentially overwhelms
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our brain's ability to process or make sense of the information and then
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that can send us into sort of a fight or a flight response or a shut down.
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But To really understand sensory overload, I think you actually need to understand
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what sensory processing is and think about what all of our senses are.
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And as OTs, we often focus a lot on sensory processing and understanding
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our unique sensory profiles.
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So there's often assessment that we do called a sensory profile.
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There's also one called a sensory processing measure.
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These are a battery of questions where, and some of them are very long and you
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may have filled them in for your children, if they've seen an OT before, it's really
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getting an idea about how you respond in everyday life to different information.
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So it looks at your five external senses our smell, our taste, our
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touch, what we can hear, what we can see and how we respond to that, but
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also our internal sensory systems, which is the vestibular system.
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So that's being able to get the information.
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We actually get it from receptors in our inner ear and it's in response to gravity.
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So that's our movement response.
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We know whether we're up or down or moving or still and then our proprioception.
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And we get that from, That's our body sense.
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So we get that from our muscles and joints.
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And we know whether tells us about where our body position is.
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And then we've got our eighth sense, which is more of a new kind of
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concept, which is that interoception.
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So what's going on inside my body and how can I respond to that?
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So if you think about a really good way to think about sensory overload, and
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I guess it's our sensory tolerance is if you think about when you're sick,
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everything is more annoying, right?
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You've just got less, you've got less tolerance to anybody
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because you're feeling rubbish.
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The noises are louder or people touching you are more annoying.
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So we're heightened already because we're uncomfortable.
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So other things are harder to process.
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If we even go back a step and we think about.
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In terms of our sensory systems, and I know you've spoken to other
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people about sensory overload in terms of how we all have different
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levels of what we can process.
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So we've all got different thresholds to sensory input.
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So some kids and adults can have really high thresholds for tactile input.
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So they love being touched.
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They want to touch things all the time.
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And they're those kids, that always need to have something in their hand.
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However, they might not like light touch, so they might not
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like other people touching them.
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And information coming in is going to be different to us
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taking in our own information.
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In the same way that we might Be really sensitive to noise, but often those same
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children are the ones making the noise.
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And I don't know whether you've got any of those in your household, but.
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I have got three of them.
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It's interesting you say that because they are so noisy.
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But yet they don't like each other making noise.
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So they're, one of them will walk around singing, but then be angry with the other
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one for talking or for having the TV on, but like they're the noisiest kid there.
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So yeah, it's interesting.
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They seem to make a lot of noise, but yet can't deal with it.
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Yeah.
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And it's.
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I guess if we think about all of our sensory systems, some people
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talk about the cup kind of concept.
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And you can tolerate so much input going into your cup before it overflows.
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And that's when you're in sensory overload.
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I also like to think of it like a mixer, when you have all of
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the different volume controls.
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So a little bit is going to feel like a lot of input, Or a lot might feel like
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a little, like your mix is turned down.
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So you need a lot of input to register.
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What we sometimes see is that if we are sensitive to the input coming in, one
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way we can control our environment is by overriding that with our own sound.
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So I don't like the sound around me.
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So if I'm making a sound, I can make it predictable.
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I know what it is, and I can hear that instead of hearing something else.
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So it's an adaptive strategy.
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That's really interesting.
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I turn up the music in the car just to avoid like screeching and sudden sounds
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and then the kids talking constantly and I'm like, let's all listen to this song.
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And then if they keep talking, depending on my mood, I keep turning it up
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thinking, Oh my God, at some point, will they just stop and listen to the music?
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And that's working for you?
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That's your way of overriding it and regulating it?
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But it maybe it's not working in your whole environment because of the working
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for me, but yes.
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And what's really challenging with neurodivergent families is that they're
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not just one neurodivergent person and no one person with a sensory,
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will have the same sensory profile.
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So even your sensory seekers We'll all be seeking slightly different
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versions of the same input.
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I guess if I go back a couple of steps, if we think about when we
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do that sensory profile and we look at all of those different ways
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in which we react to the input.
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So for example, some of the questions might be like, do you, Like spicy
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food or do you always have to leave at room if there's a strong odor?
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Do you avoid getting, your hair brushed or your nails clipped?
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Do you push or hug animals too tightly?
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Or are you sometimes too rough?
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Or is it hard to, I was gonna,
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Add
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in there that I thought it was really
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interesting that.
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You talked about different sensory profiles because my five year old
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Billy, all he wants to do is to touch.
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So he's sensory seeking.
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He walked past, he'll, and I want to use the word hit, but it's
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not actually malicious hitting.
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It's just give me some attention.
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I'm here.
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He's just constantly on you.
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When I wake up in the morning, he's just on me.
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Like he's on me the entire time and it's exhausting and draining.
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the amount of sensory input that he needs.
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And if you don't give it to him, he escalates and escalates when actually my
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whole body is get this kid away from me.
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Like I've been touching you for about six hours right now.
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And then I'll sit down on the couch and then it's he's on me like a blanket.
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And I think listening to that, it sounds like he's got a really high threshold
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to touch input and you have a much lower threshold and touch is a tricky
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one because there's that light touch.
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So that light tickly touch is often quite alerting and arousing where that deep
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pressure can come times be quite calming.
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So a lot of the time we need that, we just don't realize that we need that.
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But I think understanding each person in the house is their
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sensory profile is really important.
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because they don't often match up.
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Generally if you have a high threshold, that is a lot feels like
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a little bit, so you need a lot.
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So you're talking about Billy wanting to touch everything.
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So he has a high threshold for touch.
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He wants a lot and then, and he's seeking that.
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So he's having an active response.
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So if we've got a high threshold, we'll either go out and actively
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seek it, or we will just.
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maybe not notice what's going around because you need a lot,
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but you're not getting it.
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So you just sit around and you're like, I don't notice anything
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because nobody's touching me and I'm not getting the right input.
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So sometimes they're those kids that maybe look like they're a little bit spaced out.
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And they can't really engage cause they're not getting enough of that input in.
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get to meet their needs so that they're in that sort of right state
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for learning and for engagement.
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And then we've got our avoiders.
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So again, an avoiding is another example of an active response.
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So if you don't like it and you actively avoid it, and that might
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be that you go somewhere else, that you make up an excuse to get out of
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it, if you've got the language to, or for kids that don't, that hit.
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I'll often see kids that have really high sensitivity to sound from
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other kids, and that hurts them, and they need to get out of that.
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environment.
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So they'll hit someone and it's not that they're necessarily naughty or
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that they're thinking they're able to even think through to that consequence
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that they need to get out of there because they are so overloaded.
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And that's the only adaptive response that they've got.
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So of course we're going to teach them what else they can
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do and look at strategies.
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But in that moment, they're using what I guess their best adaptive
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response, which is To do an action that gets them out of there.
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So you mean
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for example I know that if I hit somebody here, I will get to leave this classroom.
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I know I will get to go to the principal's office or whatever it is.
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And I know I get to go for a walk.
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I get to get off the mat and something else is going to happen.
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And that's better than being here.
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That so makes sense.
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Or if I say a swear word or if I, push a kid or if I, and kids are so clever.
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They work out really quickly what works.
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Yes.
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If you think about in a daycare setting, for example, a kid comes up, they
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get too close, you push them away.
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The first thing is teachers jump in and they remove them.
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And it's not that, a kid that's going around purposely hitting
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people, these kids aren't naughty.
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They just haven't learnt.
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what they need and they don't have necessarily have the language.
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And we often as adults don't have that either because we don't have
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that sensory lens to think about what's happening beforehand as well.
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That's so interesting.
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My husband and I had a really heavy conversation because he was
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talking about Billy hitting him.
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And when I'm saying hitting, like he probably hits me
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lightly, to get attention.
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Like it's like a pretty loud, pretty hard poke.
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Like he's just constantly hitting me.
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at me, but he definitely is a bit more aggressive and a tactile with my husband.
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My hubby was more on the approach of hitting is not okay.
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And it would often be at inconvenient times.
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He's just gotten home or he just wants to sit down for a second or, they've
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already done something together and then really just wants it to be more and more.
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And there's this constant like pushing and hitting and it's, again,
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it's not malicious, but it's, it's annoying, more than anything else.
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He's started to do this time out thing.
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If you don't stop hitting me, I'm going to put you in time out, which I
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have a problem with because I remember being putting time out as a kid.
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And I just sat there and thought about how much I hated my parents.
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We had a chat about it and I was talking to him about, I didn't
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think that was a helpful response.
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It's just attention seeking, like he just wants to keep pushing.
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And even though he's told no, as you said, he's learned that something
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will happen, whether it's negative.
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Or, my hubby will get up and crack it, or he'll, eventually maybe say, okay,
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fine, I'll do it for another 10 minutes.
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Something happens eventually.
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We had a hard conversation around, why does he keep doing it?
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If he's got a really high threshold for that deep pressure for that crash
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and bash, if he's a goer, he wants lots of movement, he needs, again,
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he needs a lot to even notice it.
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And sometimes we find that those kids are also the kids, so that's
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your proprioceptive system in play.
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If they need a lot, they.
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May not be really tuning in to how much force they're actually using.
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So they might be the kids, that, that push too hard on things, that slam the
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doors , they're mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, but they're actually hitting you.
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And they don't know that's hurting you because that is just their speed.
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They're fast.
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They push.
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They don't actually get that feedback about where their body
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is in space and they need more.
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So you need to feed the need, but it's also about finding to keep your sanity.
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finding the times that it's going to work.
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It's fucking tricky,
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it's so tricky.
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And I think as parents, where it gets really challenging is, especially when
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you've got your own needs and your own demands and we're just so busy, it's being
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able to Even for ourselves, have that level of executive functioning of going if
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I meet this need, then his need is met and then I can do the thing that I need to do.
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So for example, if you're at home with your three children and your
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husband comes home and he just wants to talk to you first and he wants
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to tell them first I'm going to talk to mom and then we're going to play.
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That's just so hard for them to understand and you're trying to get them
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to understand he's, his need in that moment is talking to you and offloading
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his day and you're probably trying to
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think about what's next and think about the kids that are yelling and you
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just want them to stop because they've been yelling for the last hour and you
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just really need something to happen.
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If you think about flipping that, do you come home and you get straight
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into a, let's have a big wrestle and a big cuddle and I'm going to tip you
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upside down and I'm going to give you a tickle and I'm going to give you
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a squash and that's what you need.
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And then he's seen, he's not constantly interrupting you.
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He filled that sensory, I won't even say cup.
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These kids have buckets, like they just need so much of that input in.
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Then there's a lot, he's going to be a lot more receptive to understanding
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that, okay, now mum and I need to talk, so what are you going to choose now?
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That's a really good way of putting it I think we've probably all got a
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partner that, wants to talk to you first because they have something
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that has happened that day, let's say.
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And then the children are left, let me talk for five to 10 minutes and
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then I'll play with you, which is very difficult for them to wait.
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00:16:05
What happens in my house is that my hubby will start talking
Speaker:
00:16:08
to me and the kids can't wait.
Speaker:
00:16:10
Whether that's fair or not, I probably would say it's pretty fair.
Speaker:
00:16:13
They can't wait.
Speaker:
00:16:14
And cause they're excited.
Speaker:
00:16:15
But he has got something he wants to say, right?
Speaker:
00:16:17
So he has a need to complete.
Speaker:
00:16:19
So he will want to continue the conversation.
Speaker:
00:16:21
But what actually happens for me on my end is I'm like, okay, cool.
Speaker:
00:16:25
So now we're interrupted every three to four words.
Speaker:
00:16:28
The conversation that did take, that would have taken five minutes is now taking 15.
Speaker:
00:16:33
Nobody is getting their needs met.
Speaker:
00:16:34
I'm completely in the middle and I don't have a clear thought pattern.
Speaker:
00:16:39
My husband he just keeps saying relentlessly.
Speaker:
00:16:41
What do you think?
Speaker:
00:16:41
What do you think?
Speaker:
00:16:42
It's I don't know what I think because I can't think about what you're
Speaker:
00:16:45
saying, because I'm dealing with three people that are now really amped up
Speaker:
00:16:49
needing attention and he's ignoring them, like swatching them away as
Speaker:
00:16:52
we're having this conversation.
Speaker:
00:16:54
I can so see your point because I think one of the overloads for moms
Speaker:
00:16:58
is that never completed conversation.
Speaker:
00:17:00
It's constantly interrupted.
Speaker:
00:17:02
I said to my husband before, I'm really fucking done with being
Speaker:
00:17:05
interrupted because I actually had a friend here to look after my kids
Speaker:
00:17:09
so I could just do one thing, right?
Speaker:
00:17:12
And then the handyman who said he was just going to have a look decided
Speaker:
00:17:16
that he would actually do the job.
Speaker:
00:17:17
So what that meant is the electricity was going on and off.
Speaker:
00:17:20
So the screen that I like to use to edit was going on and
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00:17:23
off, which was really annoying.
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00:17:24
And then he was coming in, giving me constant updates and whether
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00:17:27
he could fix the light or not, which I didn't give a shit about.
Speaker:
00:17:30
And then the kids came in and out because they didn't want me to leave.
Speaker:
00:17:32
And I was like, Oh my God.
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00:17:33
And then my husband came home and decided to tell me about his day.
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00:17:36
And I was like, Oh my God, I just don't think I've actually been able to
Speaker:
00:17:40
have something uninterrupted in weeks.
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00:17:43
Do you know what I mean?
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00:17:44
It drives me mad.
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00:17:45
Absolutely.
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00:17:46
I think as mums the challenge is that we're always holding on so many different
Speaker:
00:17:49
things about what we need to do.
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00:17:51
So we've got our work jobs, we've got our home jobs.
Speaker:
00:17:53
And the mental load is.
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00:17:55
so big and then if you've got kids with additional needs where you have
Speaker:
00:18:00
to do a lot of that scaffolding.
Speaker:
00:18:01
You have to be building in whether it's time in their day for their sort of
Speaker:
00:18:05
time to just decompress or If you've got kids on the spectrum, a lot more of that
Speaker:
00:18:09
preparation about, so we're going here and I need to tell you all the steps
Speaker:
00:18:13
and I've got to talk you through that.
Speaker:
00:18:14
And we've got to talk about what that might be, or we're going to this birthday
Speaker:
00:18:18
party and it's going to be noisy.
Speaker:
00:18:19
So I've got the headphones in my bag, but then we're ADHD mums.
Speaker:
00:18:23
So we didn't bring the headphones with us.
Speaker:
00:18:25
So we've got to think of another thing that we can use instead.
Speaker:
00:18:30
It's just so many things that you're constantly thinking about.
Speaker:
00:18:33
If you're the primary carer, there's often that I have to stop
Speaker:
00:18:36
what I'm doing for somebody else.
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00:18:38
Sometimes I don't get to stay at work to finish my notes, because I need to get
Speaker:
00:18:42
the kids, because if I don't get them before 5 30, they're going to be crazy.
Speaker:
00:18:46
Then that means it's nine o'clock and it would have been much
Speaker:
00:18:48
easier to finish it at five.
Speaker:
00:18:50
But it's not where our life is right now.
Speaker:
00:18:53
And I'm okay with that, but it doesn't mean it's easy.
Speaker:
00:18:56
I think only mums.
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00:18:57
maybe of kids with additional needs really get the intensity of it.
Speaker:
00:19:02
I think last night, for the millionth time, the kids had
Speaker:
00:19:04
broken , a key off the back door.
Speaker:
00:19:06
And I usually don't prioritize stuff like that because I just
Speaker:
00:19:08
don't want to deal with a locksmith on top of everything else.
Speaker:
00:19:11
Last night I think hubby was saying to me, Oh, so where should we put
Speaker:
00:19:14
the spare keys for the back door?
Speaker:
00:19:16
And we'd had a really awful day.
Speaker:
00:19:18
We had sick kids on and off all week.
Speaker:
00:19:20
And a lot of stress at work, he kept asking me, where should we put the keys?
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00:19:25
And I said to him, I just don't really care.
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00:19:26
I don't care where we put the keys.
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00:19:28
I don't care.
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00:19:29
And he's very specific about where he likes things and I literally don't care.
Speaker:
00:19:33
But he continues to ask.
Speaker:
00:19:34
Eventually, like nine o'clock, I put all the kids to bed and
Speaker:
00:19:37
I went to lock the back door.
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00:19:39
And as I go to lock the back door, I thought, I won't put the key there
Speaker:
00:19:42
because he's going to say, don't do that.
Speaker:
00:19:44
As I went to put the key down, he goes, is that where you're going to put the key?
Speaker:
00:19:47
And I just blew up.
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00:19:49
Like I just lost my temper because I was like, I don't know.
Speaker:
00:19:53
I don't know where I'm going to put the key.
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00:19:54
It doesn't matter where I put the key.
Speaker:
00:19:55
And I just really lost my temper, which isn't like me.
Speaker:
00:19:59
And then he was very offended.
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00:20:00
And I was like, I had to say sorry.
Speaker:
00:20:02
I didn't want to do the whole Sorry, but I think that's really a cop out when you
Speaker:
00:20:06
go, sorry, but you were really annoying.
Speaker:
00:20:07
Sorry for yelling at you, but you really suck.
Speaker:
00:20:09
So you deserved it.
Speaker:
00:20:10
I was trying to do a proper apology because he didn't serve me as my temper.
Speaker:
00:20:14
But I suppose in his mind, it was one question.
Speaker:
00:20:17
In my mind, it was the 750, 000th question that day of something that didn't matter.
Speaker:
00:20:23
And I just wanted to go to bed and be left alone.
Speaker:
00:20:25
It's often the straw that breaks the camel's back and it's, whether it's
Speaker:
00:20:29
questioning constantly or whether it's sounds all the time or whether it's
Speaker:
00:20:33
the feel of something, uncomfortable undies all day and then you're just
Speaker:
00:20:38
so sick of feeling icky and someone says something and you've lost it.
Speaker:
00:20:43
It just is that one thing that you cannot handle because you
Speaker:
00:20:46
are at your boiling point.
Speaker:
00:20:47
Yeah, and you can't offload we all try not to offload to our kids.
Speaker:
00:20:51
So sometimes my husband gets in the firing line, because, he
Speaker:
00:20:55
can't So leave it to your safe
Speaker:
00:20:56
person.
Speaker:
00:20:56
Yeah, and you can't offload Someone says Can, can I have a drink, or
Speaker:
00:21:00
can I do this I really try and hold inner rage, which is probably cancer
Speaker:
00:21:04
causing, but I try and hold it in.
Speaker:
00:21:06
And then, when the kids are in bed and my husband asks me a question that
Speaker:
00:21:09
just seems doesn't need to be asked, and I have to turn my mind back on.
Speaker:
00:21:13
It's just can you not I just don't care.
Speaker:
00:21:16
I feel bad about when I say that, but I think we just also got to just quickly
Speaker:
00:21:21
touch on the elephant in the room that I think is going to be there is the
Speaker:
00:21:24
whole thing around having sex at the end of the day, because it's really
Speaker:
00:21:28
difficult for me to communicate with my husband who I love dearly, by the way.
Speaker:
00:21:32
Like I'm in a loving relationship and yes, we have three kids, but
Speaker:
00:21:36
most people, I think, would have an expectation that they would still be
Speaker:
00:21:39
having some sort of sex life, but it's difficult for him to comprehend a lot
Speaker:
00:21:44
of the time that I'm just like touched out I just want to be left alone.
Speaker:
00:21:49
But then in fairness, on his perspective, I'm like thinking he probably feels
Speaker:
00:21:54
unloved at this point because I don't want to sit down and watch TV with him.
Speaker:
00:21:57
I don't really want to talk to anybody else.
Speaker:
00:21:59
And then he is probably in fairness last night trying to start a conversation with
Speaker:
00:22:03
me because I just was like really done.
Speaker:
00:22:07
And then, I suppose it's like that lack of then having time or any energy left.
Speaker:
00:22:12
When you talk about being touched out, so you've had all these little
Speaker:
00:22:15
moments building up across the day of these little bits of touch of people
Speaker:
00:22:19
always wanting to be on your body, whether that's kids sitting on you or
Speaker:
00:22:26
just feeling like everybody's in your space and just wanting some space.
Speaker:
00:22:30
And it sounds like there's not a lot of time to I keep saying decompress, it's
Speaker:
00:22:35
probably the best way to describe it.
Speaker:
00:22:37
If you think about almost like a volcano, if every little thing you're getting up
Speaker:
00:22:40
and up and up, then you're just going to explode, like you need an opportunity
Speaker:
00:22:44
to come back down so that you're back within your window of tolerance.
Speaker:
00:22:49
One way that people will often.
Speaker:
00:22:51
Talk about sensory, but also around just general input, is
Speaker:
00:22:56
around that window of tolerance.
Speaker:
00:22:57
We can be high energy, low energy, and somewhere in between.
Speaker:
00:23:02
And if we think about, when we're in our window of tolerance, we can cope.
Speaker:
00:23:05
We can have good conversations.
Speaker:
00:23:08
We can have meaningful interactions.
Speaker:
00:23:10
We can actually access the cognitive part of our brain, our thinking brain, we're
Speaker:
00:23:14
not in that fight or flight or explode or freeze or shut down or pull away mode.
Speaker:
00:23:19
When we get too high, we're in that fight or flight, get away from me.
Speaker:
00:23:24
When we're too low, we just want to lay down and do nothing.
Speaker:
00:23:27
We've got no energy or completely withdraw.
Speaker:
00:23:30
What happens is across the day, we're going to go up and down
Speaker:
00:23:33
and, closer to our thresholds.
Speaker:
00:23:36
If there's sensory challenges, generally our band of tolerance is narrower.
Speaker:
00:23:41
So it's a lot harder to stay within that.
Speaker:
00:23:44
And it means that we need more breaks throughout the day.
Speaker:
00:23:46
So what's happening if you're feeling like you're really touched out, you just
Speaker:
00:23:49
had, you've had too much tactile input.
Speaker:
00:23:52
It's about getting that balance across all of the senses.
Speaker:
00:23:55
and working out what is harming for you and working out what is alerting for you
Speaker:
00:24:00
and working out what things will make you feel calm and organized and what
Speaker:
00:24:05
things will irritate you essentially.
Speaker:
00:24:08
If that light touch is really overwhelming and you've just had too
Speaker:
00:24:11
much of it for the day, do you actually need to get away from everybody?
Speaker:
00:24:16
Do you need to just say, go for a run where you're getting like some really
Speaker:
00:24:21
rhythmical kind of vestibular movement with lots of that, proprioceptive.
Speaker:
00:24:25
So you're really using your muscles.
Speaker:
00:24:27
There's that huff and puff.
Speaker:
00:24:29
You're really activating that system that helps to bring everything back down and
Speaker:
00:24:32
re regulate all of those sensory systems.
Speaker:
00:24:36
And it almost resets them in a way.
Speaker:
00:24:38
So that then, when that extra touch input comes in, so whether that's,
Speaker:
00:24:42
the last, kisses and cuddles from the kids before they go to bed, or whether
Speaker:
00:24:46
that's, wanting to have sex with you later, you're back in your own body,
Speaker:
00:24:49
you're feeling calm, you're feeling like you can process that without going into
Speaker:
00:24:54
that fight or flight, or just freeze and withdraw and I don't want to do that mode.
Speaker:
00:24:59
I think it's that like you were talking about the cup, like it's so constant
Speaker:
00:25:02
that I feel like it never empties.
Speaker:
00:25:04
So then I never give like quality touch or like the input then I think is less
Speaker:
00:25:10
because I never have an empty cup.
Speaker:
00:25:13
If I actually had more availability, I would be able to do some of those
Speaker:
00:25:17
things, maybe meet those needs.
Speaker:
00:25:18
I know you were talking about not even knowing what you needed.
Speaker:
00:25:24
If you had a break, it was going to the shop, it was too noisy,
Speaker:
00:25:27
going, I don't totally know what to do to then get that reset.
Speaker:
00:25:32
How do I stop all of that input coming in?
Speaker:
00:25:35
I don't know what to do.
Speaker:
00:25:35
So that is when I think looking at your own sensory profile and
Speaker:
00:25:39
looking at what, if you think about touch, what kind of touch do I like?
Speaker:
00:25:42
What kind of touch don't I like?
Speaker:
00:25:44
If the kids have to be on me, do I prefer them to literally be laying on
Speaker:
00:25:49
me where I'm squashed underneath them?
Speaker:
00:25:52
And that is fine.
Speaker:
00:25:53
Or, do I want them to brush my hair or are you just Oh my God, that I, the feeling
Speaker:
00:25:59
of that just makes me want to vomit.
Speaker:
00:26:01
So it's working out what you like and what's regulating for you.
Speaker:
00:26:05
And then finding your Venn diagrams, thinking about what do you like
Speaker:
00:26:10
and what do your kids need?
Speaker:
00:26:12
You've got three, so you have to have a really complicated one.
Speaker:
00:26:16
And where do they all cross over?
Speaker:
00:26:17
Because that's what you want to be doing.
Speaker:
00:26:19
That's what you want to have more of that in your day, because that's
Speaker:
00:26:22
going to be regulating for everybody.
Speaker:
00:26:23
So you talked about gardening was something that you gotten back into and
Speaker:
00:26:27
that might have been a few weeks ago.
Speaker:
00:26:28
Is that something where your kids could have their hands in the dirt and they
Speaker:
00:26:32
can get messy and you actually can feel like you've achieved something outside
Speaker:
00:26:36
or it's something that you can see if you need to be able to see that I've
Speaker:
00:26:39
achieved something or if you need to feel productive, is that something you can do?
Speaker:
00:26:43
Or is it something that you've done together and you've shared a connection?
Speaker:
00:26:46
But you can also just go, cool, that mess is outside and we are done and
Speaker:
00:26:50
we can come inside and I don't have to think about the ramifications
Speaker:
00:26:55
of that for the rest of the night.
Speaker:
00:26:56
I can just go in and wash my hands and we're good.
Speaker:
00:26:59
And we can move on to the next thing compared to, Oh,
Speaker:
00:27:02
my kid loves tactile input.
Speaker:
00:27:03
So I'm going to have to set up a shaving foam station, but I know
Speaker:
00:27:06
that's going to mean that it's actually in the couch and I'm going
Speaker:
00:27:08
to spend four hours cleaning tonight.
Speaker:
00:27:11
That's not helping anybody.
Speaker:
00:27:12
It's really hard to come back from that, to get back to a stage where you're
Speaker:
00:27:17
feeling like you're in a position to have, a good conversation and have,
Speaker:
00:27:22
good interaction with your husband and really be having those connected moments.
Speaker:
00:27:28
It's been a, it's been a tricky one because there's not
Speaker:
00:27:31
a lot of time at the moment.
Speaker:
00:27:32
And I think, moving my daughter towards homeschooling has only reduced.
Speaker:
00:27:36
any chance of any semblance of being alone ever.
Speaker:
00:27:40
Which is upped it again of intensity.
Speaker:
00:27:43
And I've still got a, five year old who's repeating Kindy.
Speaker:
00:27:45
So he's not there all the time either at Kindy.
Speaker:
00:27:48
He's often here with me as well.
Speaker:
00:27:50
So it's pretty nightmarish, actually, if you think about sensory overload.
Speaker:
00:27:54
And Billy also has bad separation anxiety.
Speaker:
00:27:58
So he will say if I try and leave.
Speaker:
00:28:01
I feel like I might die when you leave.
Speaker:
00:28:03
It's like I'm his food source, loving source, like no one else is good enough.
Speaker:
00:28:07
It has to be me.
Speaker:
00:28:08
So leaving is difficult.
Speaker:
00:28:10
And my hubby tries his best where he will try and carve out like, Oh, here's an
Speaker:
00:28:15
hour, go and do something for yourself.
Speaker:
00:28:18
And I think that's his way of attempting to help.
Speaker:
00:28:20
What will I do with that hour?
Speaker:
00:28:22
I don't necessarily want to go walk down to the beach because
Speaker:
00:28:25
like the conditions and the weather and then often I see neighbors and
Speaker:
00:28:28
I'm just like, Oh my fucking God.
Speaker:
00:28:30
Also there's neighborhood kids that are all down there who then
Speaker:
00:28:34
will want to come and talk to me.
Speaker:
00:28:36
And then, my husband's like, why don't you go shopping?
Speaker:
00:28:37
I was like, I hate shopping.
Speaker:
00:28:38
I don't even know how you think that I like shopping.
Speaker:
00:28:41
I don't like going to cafes like, and it's I would like doing those things
Speaker:
00:28:45
if I wasn't so overloaded all the time.
Speaker:
00:28:48
And so then sometimes I would.
Speaker:
00:28:50
Sit in my car in the garage, which sounds really depressing.
Speaker:
00:28:53
And it is because I'm like, wow, this is a shit life.
Speaker:
00:28:57
Like it's a bit depressing.
Speaker:
00:28:59
And so that's when I started thinking, okay, if it's difficult to leave
Speaker:
00:29:04
the house, maybe I need to build in things that are here, which is why I
Speaker:
00:29:09
Jumped onto my daughter's gardening, the hyperfocus that she's currently
Speaker:
00:29:14
in, and we were doing that together.
Speaker:
00:29:17
And that is helpful, and I suppose it gets me out of just walking around
Speaker:
00:29:21
the house cleaning, just moving shit from one place to another.
Speaker:
00:29:25
Don't want to make this depressing, but sometimes I just
Speaker:
00:29:27
think, oh, is that all there is?
Speaker:
00:29:29
Is this it?
Speaker:
00:29:30
Is that my me time?
Speaker:
00:29:34
Like holy shit, like I know it's not
Speaker:
00:29:36
going to last forever, but the days feel long.
Speaker:
00:29:39
And they really would, because if you're not getting that opportunity
Speaker:
00:29:42
to reset, then you're going back.
Speaker:
00:29:45
I guess if you think about, you're halfway up that threshold, where you're
Speaker:
00:29:48
going to explode and you only get to come a quarter of the way back down.
Speaker:
00:29:52
It's not going to be a lot to then be able to It's not to take more on, before then
Speaker:
00:29:58
you feel like you're overloaded again.
Speaker:
00:30:00
It sounds like for you and for your particular sensory sort of
Speaker:
00:30:03
processing and your sensory profile is like noise is something that's.
Speaker:
00:30:09
Yeah, noise is one of the problems.
Speaker:
00:30:10
I think the screens are part of the problem and the TV blaring.
Speaker:
00:30:15
And then of course the kids have ADHD, so they, if there's background
Speaker:
00:30:18
noise, they will turn the volume up.
Speaker:
00:30:21
Then they'll compete with the volume and it will go up and up.
Speaker:
00:30:23
And I just feel like all I do is my dad used to yell, turn it down.
Speaker:
00:30:29
Even my head cup headphones here that I'm wearing, you can't really
Speaker:
00:30:34
wear them all the time because then often there's a fight.
Speaker:
00:30:37
You can't hear the fight.
Speaker:
00:30:38
So then I'm like, it's not really safe to walk around or sociable.
Speaker:
00:30:42
Like it's a bit, it's a bit much.
Speaker:
00:30:43
This is a tricky thing.
Speaker:
00:30:44
So then I put the headphones on the kids.
Speaker:
00:30:47
And I say, okay, headphones, right?
Speaker:
00:30:50
But then I just feel like, what a terrible mother am I that I'm making
Speaker:
00:30:54
my kids put on headphones, right?
Speaker:
00:30:56
And then I get in my head about the guilt
Speaker:
00:30:57
I think you need to be able to just give yourself a rest and give yourself
Speaker:
00:31:01
a break because you're not going to be able to keep co regulating your
Speaker:
00:31:05
kids if you're not regulated yourself.
Speaker:
00:31:08
Sensory input that isn't.
Speaker:
00:31:11
The input that we need will dysregulate you.
Speaker:
00:31:14
as a parent, so much of your job is about co regulating your kids
Speaker:
00:31:18
and being able to be the calm while they're having their big emotions.
Speaker:
00:31:22
And so, if they're on devices anyway, if they're watching
Speaker:
00:31:24
TV, that's what they're doing.
Speaker:
00:31:26
If you could just go, you know what?
Speaker:
00:31:27
That's what you're doing.
Speaker:
00:31:28
We're going to do that for an hour.
Speaker:
00:31:29
Put your headphones on.
Speaker:
00:31:30
You're not all bouncing off each other and the volume's going
Speaker:
00:31:34
up and that's overloading you.
Speaker:
00:31:35
If that means that at the end of that hour everyone's happy with their screen time.
Speaker:
00:31:40
Nobody's saying, but I didn't get to choose or I couldn't
Speaker:
00:31:42
hear mine and that's not fair.
Speaker:
00:31:44
And they interrupted me.
Speaker:
00:31:46
That wasn't actually a break for anybody, was it?
Speaker:
00:31:48
That's a good point.
Speaker:
00:31:49
Actually.
Speaker:
00:31:50
This sounds really awful.
Speaker:
00:31:51
Lucky my hubby doesn't listen to this podcast, but he goes out and
Speaker:
00:31:54
does rugby coaching at nighttime.
Speaker:
00:31:56
And initially I was a bit like, Oh, now he works at night as well.
Speaker:
00:32:00
And I'm like, that's me by myself again with kids.
Speaker:
00:32:03
Anyway, I actually look forward to the nights.
Speaker:
00:32:05
It sounds awful.
Speaker:
00:32:07
I put headphones on, they each watch what they want to watch.
Speaker:
00:32:11
And then sometimes I sit down and watch something myself, or I'll just sit on
Speaker:
00:32:16
my bed and eat dinner, which sounds awful, but it's just a quiet room.
Speaker:
00:32:20
And I actually feel a little bit better.
Speaker:
00:32:22
Whereas if he's home.
Speaker:
00:32:24
He's really lovely.
Speaker:
00:32:25
He wants to talk to me all the time.
Speaker:
00:32:26
It sounds like such a, I'm such a whinger, but like he wants to have these lovely
Speaker:
00:32:30
chats and sometimes I'm just like, Oh my God, someone else can talk to me.
Speaker:
00:32:34
So two nights a week, I actually quite look forward to him not being there.
Speaker:
00:32:38
So I can be alone by myself reading a book.
Speaker:
00:32:42
Sounds terrible.
Speaker:
00:32:43
It doesn't sound terrible.
Speaker:
00:32:44
It sounds like you know what is actually going to help
Speaker:
00:32:47
you with your own regulation.
Speaker:
00:32:49
So something to focus on visually, a way to have a little bit of an escape
Speaker:
00:32:54
being able to just be in your own company without that extra noise, just to reset.
Speaker:
00:33:02
And do you find that then on those nights when you're then doing the bed
Speaker:
00:33:06
routine, are you feeling more calm, ready?
Speaker:
00:33:09
Oh, totally.
Speaker:
00:33:10
Yeah, totally.
Speaker:
00:33:11
It makes a big difference.
Speaker:
00:33:12
And it makes a big difference with him too, because he used to do this thing.
Speaker:
00:33:16
I reckon all the women on this podcast can be like, Oh my God.
Speaker:
00:33:19
So I've been getting up.
Speaker:
00:33:20
It sounds terrible, right?
Speaker:
00:33:22
This is, I feel so embarrassed.
Speaker:
00:33:23
I get up at four o'clock in the morning so I can have a cup of tea by myself, right?
Speaker:
00:33:27
It doesn't happen anymore because Billy's body clock is now set to 4am as well.
Speaker:
00:33:32
So he heaves the kettle, he's up, right?
Speaker:
00:33:34
I have trouble getting Gigi to go to sleep before nine o'clock.
Speaker:
00:33:36
So it's four a.
Speaker:
00:33:37
m.
Speaker:
00:33:37
to nine o'clock.
Speaker:
00:33:38
It might be one day a week.
Speaker:
00:33:39
It doesn't hit that amount of time.
Speaker:
00:33:40
I actually have been thinking in the last few days, I've got to have that
Speaker:
00:33:44
me time while the kids are awake.
Speaker:
00:33:47
Because then I feel I'm a bit more like alive when he comes back wanting
Speaker:
00:33:51
to tell me about how things went, that I'm not just really pissed
Speaker:
00:33:56
off with everybody at that point.
Speaker:
00:33:59
Yeah.
Speaker:
00:33:59
Cause you've recalibrated, You're back down into a space where you can take on
Speaker:
00:34:06
more information and more auditory input.
Speaker:
00:34:09
Having that time where everything is just dialed down for a little
Speaker:
00:34:13
bit so that you can feel like you're actually re regulated.
Speaker:
00:34:18
That makes a huge difference.
Speaker:
00:34:20
But I also think it's really important to have that conversation too, and whether
Speaker:
00:34:24
that's you need to practice talking about that to your husband because he's had
Speaker:
00:34:29
all that time, like he's gone from rugby training, which he may have really enjoyed
Speaker:
00:34:33
or he may Oh, he does really enjoy it.
Speaker:
00:34:34
He may have stressed out at times.
Speaker:
00:34:36
And then he's had the drive home.
Speaker:
00:34:39
In that quiet, and so then he's ready, he's done his own transition kind of
Speaker:
00:34:45
period where he's gone so I did this and now I'm coming home and I'm ready
Speaker:
00:34:48
to be home, where you don't know the exact time he's going to walk in.
Speaker:
00:34:52
You don't know that I've got five minutes before he comes, maybe
Speaker:
00:34:57
you would have had a shower if you thought he was coming home.
Speaker:
00:34:59
Maybe you would have done it slightly different because you
Speaker:
00:35:01
don't know exactly what's happening.
Speaker:
00:35:03
So whether you can say, I really want to hear about that, but
Speaker:
00:35:08
I've just put the kids to bed.
Speaker:
00:35:10
Do you want to sit with me and watch this for five and
Speaker:
00:35:13
then you can tell me about it.
Speaker:
00:35:14
It's a tricky one, isn't it?
Speaker:
00:35:16
I think.
Speaker:
00:35:17
communicating that to a hubby that doesn't probably get it, I think all the mums on
Speaker:
00:35:22
this podcast would identify as you, let's say you go out to the shops for an hour
Speaker:
00:35:25
or something, you've got to go to Coles.
Speaker:
00:35:27
And you come back and I don't know if that's supposed to count as a me time.
Speaker:
00:35:30
I would argue it doesn't.
Speaker:
00:35:31
But anyway, so you come back and then no one's had a problem for the
Speaker:
00:35:34
whole hour and then you walk in and it's like mum, mum, mum, mum, mum.
Speaker:
00:35:39
I like always wonder whether they don't get it because that
Speaker:
00:35:43
doesn't happen for them.
Speaker:
00:35:44
If I'm not there, they don't actually get loaded the same way
Speaker:
00:35:48
because I think there's a lack of understanding about what that.
Speaker:
00:35:52
actually use, which is why mum friends are important,
Speaker:
00:35:55
and especially when you're also talking about you as a person using
Speaker:
00:35:59
screen time and worrying about the guilt that comes with that.
Speaker:
00:36:02
Also don't know that husbands, and this is talking about, tetrasexual relationship.
Speaker:
00:36:07
That's
Speaker:
00:36:08
true.
Speaker:
00:36:08
Yeah, true.
Speaker:
00:36:09
Yes, correct.
Speaker:
00:36:09
Assuming that it's, that's the way it goes where, he's working more and you're
Speaker:
00:36:13
at home more, I guess that idea of that constant time management too, so
Speaker:
00:36:17
you're constantly thinking about, okay, they're having this hour now, that's
Speaker:
00:36:21
too much, where sometimes in the moment I think if you go out and they've been,
Speaker:
00:36:25
The TV's been on for so much longer and they don't even think that's a problem.
Speaker:
00:36:30
Oh, absolutely.
Speaker:
00:36:31
It's a different, I don't want to say standard, but it is.
Speaker:
00:36:33
I actually wondered that yesterday because I was like,
Speaker:
00:36:35
this has been such a hard week.
Speaker:
00:36:37
And I thought, I wonder if I just do this to myself.
Speaker:
00:36:40
I think it was Gigi was home from school, homeschooling, Gus was sick,
Speaker:
00:36:45
and then Billy didn't want to go to kindy because everyone else was home.
Speaker:
00:36:48
Which I get it, right?
Speaker:
00:36:50
Yeah.
Speaker:
00:36:50
He's got this real problem with rest time at kindy, which so ADHD, right?
Speaker:
00:36:54
It's too boring.
Speaker:
00:36:55
I won't, I can't, he can't lay there, right?
Speaker:
00:36:57
And he's five he shouldn't really be a prep.
Speaker:
00:36:59
I get it.
Speaker:
00:37:00
He doesn't need to nap.
Speaker:
00:37:01
He hasn't napped since he was 18 months old.
Speaker:
00:37:03
So he's bored.
Speaker:
00:37:04
I think he actually is quite troublesome during that period as well.
Speaker:
00:37:07
He convinced me to pick him up to take him fishing.
Speaker:
00:37:09
So on top of this big day.
Speaker:
00:37:12
Which was just a complete mess.
Speaker:
00:37:13
I'd promised him I'd pick him up at 1.
Speaker:
00:37:15
30 to take him fishing because I had the guilts.
Speaker:
00:37:19
By the time I did that, I was just inundated with the
Speaker:
00:37:21
other two when I got back.
Speaker:
00:37:23
I went to the toilet and one of the kids was passing me notes under the door.
Speaker:
00:37:26
I was like, this is just like relentless at the moment.
Speaker:
00:37:30
And then at that point I thought, so why did I say in all of this that I would go
Speaker:
00:37:37
to pick up Billy to take him fishing at 1.
Speaker:
00:37:39
30?
Speaker:
00:37:39
Like I actually thinking my husband would never, ever have promised him that.
Speaker:
00:37:43
He would have just been like, fucking mate, I'll get you there at 5.
Speaker:
00:37:46
30.
Speaker:
00:37:46
That's when you're doing.
Speaker:
00:37:47
And he would have reduced the amount of kids at home.
Speaker:
00:37:50
And he wouldn't have added one.
Speaker:
00:37:52
I was thinking, Oh my God, I'm part of the problem here with
Speaker:
00:37:56
this expectation for myself.
Speaker:
00:37:58
You don't think about what's going to happen by 1.
Speaker:
00:38:03
30 and you think they're happy with this, so they're going to be so happy to see me.
Speaker:
00:38:06
Because in your mind that makes sense and you forget about the fact that
Speaker:
00:38:11
he's probably gone to kindergarten, mum's picking him up early.
Speaker:
00:38:14
Is it time yet?
Speaker:
00:38:15
Is it time yet?
Speaker:
00:38:16
I'm getting picked up early.
Speaker:
00:38:17
And by the time you get there, whatever else has gone on for him,
Speaker:
00:38:21
then he's bam, here's my safe person.
Speaker:
00:38:23
All those things I was holding in together are going to come right out at you.
Speaker:
00:38:26
And you're like, Oh my goodness, I was trying to make this good for you.
Speaker:
00:38:31
And now it's harder for me.
Speaker:
00:38:33
I didn't know that.
Speaker:
00:38:34
the other two were going to be at each other at home or constantly on me.
Speaker:
00:38:39
I guess a lot of it's not being able to predict what's happening
Speaker:
00:38:42
and just wanting to please everyone.
Speaker:
00:38:44
It's like a little treat.
Speaker:
00:38:45
So you're not missing out.
Speaker:
00:38:47
well, What's the quality?
Speaker:
00:38:48
What am I, what are we all going to get out of this fishing experience?
Speaker:
00:38:52
Do I need to say we're going to do that on the weekends?
Speaker:
00:38:54
And that's easier said than done.
Speaker:
00:38:55
And that's, that's it.
Speaker:
00:38:57
The ADHD mum in you also, of that executive functioning
Speaker:
00:39:00
of being able to think, is 1.
Speaker:
00:39:03
30 this afternoon me going to thank 8 o'clock in the morning me?
Speaker:
00:39:07
No, but you just need to get him out the door.
Speaker:
00:39:09
I think
Speaker:
00:39:09
it's the 8 o'clock in the morning me maybe has like an unrealistic
Speaker:
00:39:13
expectation of what it will look like.
Speaker:
00:39:16
When I walked back in and I'd like, honestly, it had been such a massive day.
Speaker:
00:39:20
And then I realized the other two had sat on screens.
Speaker:
00:39:23
right?
Speaker:
00:39:24
Completely quiet.
Speaker:
00:39:25
I think my hubby had just had downtime.
Speaker:
00:39:27
He seemed fine.
Speaker:
00:39:28
And then they like jumped up and then had all these needs.
Speaker:
00:39:31
I just don't think the experience is the same, but then I also
Speaker:
00:39:35
think the closeness is different.
Speaker:
00:39:37
I get all of it and I wouldn't want to not have that.
Speaker:
00:39:44
So it's a tricky one, but I think And the conversations with a partner
Speaker:
00:39:48
can be tricky if they don't really fully understand what it's like.
Speaker:
00:39:52
It's also just that general reliance on you as a parent and the difference
Speaker:
00:39:57
of that expectation of who they're going to go to, to meet their needs.
Speaker:
00:40:01
I think if we go back to how that lines up with sensory overload it's
Speaker:
00:40:05
the question, it's the noise, but it's also the thinking, it's that constant,
Speaker:
00:40:09
always having to have an answer.
Speaker:
00:40:12
And when you're the person who's doing more of that, Caregiving, they want a
Speaker:
00:40:16
real answer, not a, I don't know, or just because, they want an actual answer.
Speaker:
00:40:21
So then you're also having to think, so you've got the cognitive load as
Speaker:
00:40:24
well as, not only is this just adding to the noise, But then it's also going
Speaker:
00:40:29
to be harder if one child is asking you a question and expecting an answer,
Speaker:
00:40:33
but then two other children are in the background yelling or screaming or
Speaker:
00:40:39
playing a game or turning a music up,
Speaker:
00:40:41
but the other child wants a question and they want you to be able to focus on them.
Speaker:
00:40:45
That's so hard because you just can't dampen that sound behind you.
Speaker:
00:40:49
Is that something that you experienced?
Speaker:
00:40:50
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker:
00:40:52
It's all the half thoughts.
Speaker:
00:40:54
So for example earlier today, Because we're having some issues
Speaker:
00:40:57
with something at work, my hubby was like, okay, so what was the timeframe
Speaker:
00:41:01
around this decision that you made?
Speaker:
00:41:03
When did that happen?
Speaker:
00:41:04
What month?
Speaker:
00:41:05
And he starts asking me questions, right?
Speaker:
00:41:07
At the same time one is saying my throat hurts, I need more medicine.
Speaker:
00:41:12
And the other one is going, why isn't my laptop working?
Speaker:
00:41:14
I want to log on to IXL.
Speaker:
00:41:15
And then it's, the TV's in the background, and then it's like this constant, so
Speaker:
00:41:20
I have to go do half of one job, come back, he's still waiting for an answer,
Speaker:
00:41:24
I'm still trying to think of a thought pattern, and then something else happens,
Speaker:
00:41:27
and I'm like, I actually haven't had a clear thought, or I can actually think
Speaker:
00:41:32
of something, I actually need to shut my brain off and it's not even my own ADHD.
Speaker:
00:41:38
It sounds like it's not being able to filter out.
Speaker:
00:41:41
information.
Speaker:
00:41:42
And part of that is because you're a mother and you're their primary caregiver.
Speaker:
00:41:45
It's not like you're just ignoring the train that's going past in the
Speaker:
00:41:48
background or, somebody hooning along or the ambulance or something
Speaker:
00:41:51
that, isn't something you need to tune into because that's not
Speaker:
00:41:54
important and not relevant to you.
Speaker:
00:41:55
I think there's an extra layer of sensory processing going on as being
Speaker:
00:41:59
a mum because you do have to tune in to those things because how our
Speaker:
00:42:02
senses work is we've got our sort of protective senses that are, we want to
Speaker:
00:42:06
know, is this safe or is this unsafe?
Speaker:
00:42:08
If it is safe, then what do we need to get from this?
Speaker:
00:42:10
So our discrimination.
Speaker:
00:42:11
So what information is this giving us?
Speaker:
00:42:14
Is that background conversation relevant to me?
Speaker:
00:42:16
No, I don't need to tune into that.
Speaker:
00:42:18
But when it's our children, we've got three that we do
Speaker:
00:42:21
always have to be tuning into.
Speaker:
00:42:23
I don't have three, you've got three.
Speaker:
00:42:24
And they all tend to talk at the same time and the more that we can know, I think In
Speaker:
00:42:30
terms of sensory processing and sensory overwhelm, knowledge is absolutely power.
Speaker:
00:42:36
The more you know about your sensory needs and the more you know about the
Speaker:
00:42:39
sensory needs of everybody in your house.
Speaker:
00:42:42
the better you can be equipped for it.
Speaker:
00:42:44
So if you know that I am really overloaded by your questions right now
Speaker:
00:42:48
because there's too much going on and the more you practice saying that and
Speaker:
00:42:53
letting your husband know and teaching him that's really challenging for you,
Speaker:
00:42:57
the more you can set your environment up and you can set your routines up.
Speaker:
00:43:01
to support your sensory needs.
Speaker:
00:43:04
We really need to talk about this.
Speaker:
00:43:05
I just need to sort the kids out or you need to help me sort the kids out.
Speaker:
00:43:09
So then we're going to go into the room and talk and have this for five minutes.
Speaker:
00:43:13
We actually need to do this without interruption because I'm going to have
Speaker:
00:43:17
to look this up or I'm going to have to remember and I can't do this right now.
Speaker:
00:43:20
So being able to go, I can only focus on this level of information if I don't
Speaker:
00:43:25
have all this noise in the background.
Speaker:
00:43:27
There's a common element when you have a neurodivergent family I've
Speaker:
00:43:31
definitely heard of mums that feel the same, that you have a partner
Speaker:
00:43:34
that requires maybe confirmation that they're doing the right thing.
Speaker:
00:43:37
And they're actually like helpful, but they're just requiring
Speaker:
00:43:40
like prompting, confirming that they're doing the right thing.
Speaker:
00:43:45
And that was never really a problem, if I'm honest, until they, all of my
Speaker:
00:43:50
kids got a bit bigger and they required the same thing because when they were
Speaker:
00:43:54
smaller and they were like just crying, but didn't actually have any actual like
Speaker:
00:43:58
words or there was only one or two of them that did, I didn't notice it as much.
Speaker:
00:44:03
But I think it's when.
Speaker:
00:44:05
they get a bit bigger and they all have complex questions.
Speaker:
00:44:08
And I think that's when the fatigues hit I agree with you though.
Speaker:
00:44:12
I agree with you, but I've never noticed it.
Speaker:
00:44:15
You think it's ADHD meds that brings it out?
Speaker:
00:44:18
That I think there is there too.
Speaker:
00:44:19
That's a really interesting question that you asked about that there's not
Speaker:
00:44:21
evidence about it necessarily making you more sensitive to any certain input.
Speaker:
00:44:29
But I do wonder, when you've got meds, it's dampening down all of
Speaker:
00:44:33
the other non important information.
Speaker:
00:44:36
And I guess in doing that, maybe it's making the questions louder.
Speaker:
00:44:40
In some way, because by improving your ability to focus and to get rid of some of
Speaker:
00:44:46
the less important things, you can't block your kids out because they're important.
Speaker:
00:44:51
Maybe there would have been time pre medication where the kids
Speaker:
00:44:55
are asking you questions, but you've gone, yeah, I'm listening.
Speaker:
00:44:59
Oh, I wonder what we're having for dinner.
Speaker:
00:45:01
I'll open the fridge and I'll go here.
Speaker:
00:45:02
And I'm distracted by my own thoughts.
Speaker:
00:45:05
And Oh, whoops.
Speaker:
00:45:05
I forgot what you were, what were we talking about?
Speaker:
00:45:07
Where.
Speaker:
00:45:09
That impulsiveness has been dampened down, so you're not following your
Speaker:
00:45:12
own thoughts, you haven't got the busyness in your brain, but You're
Speaker:
00:45:15
more tuned in to those questions.
Speaker:
00:45:18
Yeah, that makes total sense.
Speaker:
00:45:20
I think I'm, yeah, definitely more aware.
Speaker:
00:45:22
But then I also got diagnosed as autistic, and that was only after being on ADHD
Speaker:
00:45:27
meds, so a lot of people have sent me DMs and said, I didn't notice any of these.
Speaker:
00:45:33
Things because I was so busy or, I had some into my brain
Speaker:
00:45:37
or I didn't notice them all.
Speaker:
00:45:39
But when that ADHD receives treatment, people say about autistic people
Speaker:
00:45:43
having nerves on the outside of the body as opposed to having ears,
Speaker:
00:45:46
they just have it on all the nerves.
Speaker:
00:45:48
I definitely have felt exposed the last 12 months, taking ADHD medication,
Speaker:
00:45:53
I would hands down continue to take and it's done wonders for me.
Speaker:
00:45:56
So I'm absolutely not bagging it out.
Speaker:
00:45:58
But there's the other side of it, there's other stuff that's now sitting
Speaker:
00:46:02
there that I'm having trouble with.
Speaker:
00:46:04
What I have done though, a few people have said to me, to treat that with a
Speaker:
00:46:07
non stimulant and obviously we're not psychiatrists, we're not doctors,
Speaker:
00:46:10
but I have noticed that since taking Intuiv, which is a non stimulant
Speaker:
00:46:15
for hyperactivity and impulsivity, which is 100 percent what I have.
Speaker:
00:46:19
A lot of it's cognitive, but I tell you, I'm not good at sitting down either.
Speaker:
00:46:22
The injury has settled down some of that.
Speaker:
00:46:25
I said to my husband, all I wanted for Mother's Day was to
Speaker:
00:46:27
be in the dark, quiet, right?
Speaker:
00:46:29
That's all I wanted.
Speaker:
00:46:30
And he was like, okay, how do I make that happen?
Speaker:
00:46:33
So I went to City Cave and I could not stand even the dim lights.
Speaker:
00:46:38
I couldn't even deal with that.
Speaker:
00:46:40
I had to turn it off into a black room.
Speaker:
00:46:42
a hot black room.
Speaker:
00:46:43
It sounds so weird.
Speaker:
00:46:44
And I sat in the hot black room.
Speaker:
00:46:46
I couldn't even read a book.
Speaker:
00:46:47
I didn't want the music.
Speaker:
00:46:48
I turned everything off.
Speaker:
00:46:50
And they're like, Oh, this is the blue stress light.
Speaker:
00:46:52
And this is yellow light for healing.
Speaker:
00:46:54
And I was like, fuck these lights.
Speaker:
00:46:55
I turned them all off.
Speaker:
00:46:56
I started taking medication, the Intuiv apparently it works within
Speaker:
00:46:59
three or four days because I've already been taking Vyvanse.
Speaker:
00:47:02
Then I think it was a, maybe a week later, 10 days later, I went back in to the same
Speaker:
00:47:08
place and I had noticed that I was feeling a bit better, but it was only after I
Speaker:
00:47:12
left the sauna that I was like, wow, I left the lights on and I had music and
Speaker:
00:47:17
I actually read a book and I didn't have the strong need for all of that to stop.
Speaker:
00:47:22
I wasn't as, affected by the sensory stuff.
Speaker:
00:47:25
Yeah.
Speaker:
00:47:25
I didn't notice the lights as much.
Speaker:
00:47:28
It didn't occur to me to turn everything off.
Speaker:
00:47:30
I was more like, It sounded
Speaker:
00:47:31
like The second time around you were less heightened.
Speaker:
00:47:34
So you weren't looking for that complete.
Speaker:
00:47:37
shutdown of everything.
Speaker:
00:47:38
Like you, you could still tolerate a lot more and maybe you could
Speaker:
00:47:42
notice that without feeling an emotion attached to that.
Speaker:
00:47:46
You could actually take that in as information as opposed to a threat to your
Speaker:
00:47:50
nervous system.
Speaker:
00:47:50
Yeah,
Speaker:
00:47:51
but environment
Speaker:
00:47:52
had not changed.
Speaker:
00:47:53
So there was no difference at home.
Speaker:
00:47:55
There was nothing changed, so the intuitive, I think.
Speaker:
00:47:58
has helped with some of that.
Speaker:
00:48:01
Most people most psychiatrists and pediatricians, not that I am one, but
Speaker:
00:48:04
I have heard many of them say that if you do have underlying autistic traits,
Speaker:
00:48:10
tendencies, or you are autistic, whatever the right wording is you can benefit from
Speaker:
00:48:15
a non stimulant or like an antidepressant because sometimes the stimulant is not
Speaker:
00:48:20
that's treating the ADHD leaves any autistic ness, again, whatever the right
Speaker:
00:48:26
words are on the outside of your body.
Speaker:
00:48:28
And you're like not.
Speaker:
00:48:29
prepared, you don't know it's there and then you're left raw and exposed.
Speaker:
00:48:34
That's what I have heard.
Speaker:
00:48:35
However, obviously everyone should seek their own medical advice.
Speaker:
00:48:38
And
Speaker:
00:48:39
I've definitely seen it in kids that have come in for even as autism assessments and
Speaker:
00:48:44
the ADHD traits were quite significant and they were impacting their function.
Speaker:
00:48:49
The paediatrician actually said, look, we need definitely ADHD and we're not
Speaker:
00:48:53
actually sure right now, when that child came back 12 months later after
Speaker:
00:48:58
some OT and looking at some of those ADHD traits and being on medication,
Speaker:
00:49:03
it was very clear the autistic traits of struggling to engage and some of
Speaker:
00:49:08
that social reciprocity wasn't there because they're hyperactive traits.
Speaker:
00:49:13
dampened.
Speaker:
00:49:14
So it was hard to tell whether it was previously a ADHD thing where
Speaker:
00:49:21
it was just, she was very impulsive.
Speaker:
00:49:22
So is it just that there wasn't the attention and that's why she wasn't
Speaker:
00:49:24
being able to engage in a conversation or being able to sort of show some social
Speaker:
00:49:30
reciprocity once the ADHD was treated, that it was very clear that was there.
Speaker:
00:49:37
I've heard other adults also talk about the, challenges of when you're
Speaker:
00:49:41
diagnosed with ADHD and then you take medication, all of a sudden, all those
Speaker:
00:49:46
things that maybe had been simmering around the surface that you could just
Speaker:
00:49:49
ignore because you jumped from one thing to another and you kept busy
Speaker:
00:49:52
and you just kept pushing it all down.
Speaker:
00:49:54
All the noise stops and these things come up and you all of a
Speaker:
00:49:57
sudden have to deal with them.
Speaker:
00:50:00
And that can be really overwhelming for some people, especially if there's
Speaker:
00:50:04
any traumatic background or if there's I'm more going from an emotional
Speaker:
00:50:09
social perspective or like in your own experience, if you are autistic
Speaker:
00:50:16
and you have just never really thought of it and then all of a sudden you're
Speaker:
00:50:19
like, okay, I'm not jumbled all the time with my thoughts and I'm feeling
Speaker:
00:50:22
a little bit more organized in my body, but now all of a sudden I'm realizing.
Speaker:
00:50:28
That I just do not feel good in my own skin, in the world, in the routine, these
Speaker:
00:50:34
things are really hard for me and I don't know what to do about that because I
Speaker:
00:50:38
can't just be busy or just override that.
Speaker:
00:50:41
Does that
Speaker:
00:50:42
resonate?
Speaker:
00:50:43
And it, you feel I felt really ripped off too, because I was like, okay, cool.
Speaker:
00:50:48
So I finally got diagnosed.
Speaker:
00:50:49
I finally got the right meds because, you only went through four first.
Speaker:
00:50:52
Finally get the right one.
Speaker:
00:50:54
I start to relax.
Speaker:
00:50:55
I have to fight to get the Vyvanse.
Speaker:
00:50:57
I was just like, this is just horrific.
Speaker:
00:51:00
The fact that I'm still going with this, which is why I wasn't returning
Speaker:
00:51:03
to the psychiatrist, which I should have earlier to get this sorted.
Speaker:
00:51:07
Like I really left it too long.
Speaker:
00:51:09
And I think if, there's people listening to this, that have sensory overwhelm
Speaker:
00:51:12
and they are taking ADHD stimulants, I think it is important to go and seek
Speaker:
00:51:16
some help because I left mine too long and I think that has contributed to.
Speaker:
00:51:23
I suppose some of the feelings of I've, just been feeling a bit
Speaker:
00:51:25
down oh this is just so hard.
Speaker:
00:51:28
And I was expecting it to feel easier.
Speaker:
00:51:31
And I think also with my A DHD, I was okay kids, let's go up to Bud Waterfalls.
Speaker:
00:51:38
Great.
Speaker:
00:51:38
Let's get your runners on.
Speaker:
00:51:39
Oh, you don't drink bottles?
Speaker:
00:51:40
Who cares?
Speaker:
00:51:40
Let's go.
Speaker:
00:51:41
. And you left with a bit of anxiety Oh, but where will I park at the waterfalls?
Speaker:
00:51:45
Do we need drink bottles?
Speaker:
00:51:46
Oh, it's too hard.
Speaker:
00:51:48
I don't think anyone wants to go.
Speaker:
00:51:49
Then I'm just thinking, who am I?
Speaker:
00:51:51
I used to take three kids under four to Australia Zoo in school
Speaker:
00:51:54
holidays, didn't think anything of it.
Speaker:
00:51:56
Now I can't, do anything nearly as difficult as that.
Speaker:
00:52:00
So it's been quite jarring because after fighting for so long, I thought I was
Speaker:
00:52:05
all But, mental health is never quite.
Speaker:
00:52:07
Or done, that might be an expectation that's not really real.
Speaker:
00:52:12
And I think there's a been, obviously you've changed your
Speaker:
00:52:15
environment and your routine and the experiences that you're having.
Speaker:
00:52:19
So from your perspective, maybe there's actually some unmet sensory needs.
Speaker:
00:52:23
because you're now have the ability of being able to go, you know what?
Speaker:
00:52:28
I can think that it's not a good idea to do all those things
Speaker:
00:52:32
because there's too many steps where you may be used to go out.
Speaker:
00:52:36
And if you went to just say that waterfall, it might've been a bit
Speaker:
00:52:39
of a shit show, like you said, where you didn't have the waterfalls
Speaker:
00:52:42
and there was a few tantrums, but.
Speaker:
00:52:44
You were out in nature for two hours, you climbed upstairs, you climbed downstairs,
Speaker:
00:52:49
kids scrambled on rocks, they got dirty, they met their sensory needs very much,
Speaker:
00:52:54
you got out in nature and you actually were doing something physically for your
Speaker:
00:52:57
body and that helped to give you that sense of regulation that you needed.
Speaker:
00:53:03
where if you're not replacing that with something at home.
Speaker:
00:53:05
If then you've gone, no, that's too hard.
Speaker:
00:53:08
We're going to stay home, but we'll, do a bit of playing at
Speaker:
00:53:11
home and that's going to be okay.
Speaker:
00:53:12
You're not replicating it in the same way where you're actually getting that
Speaker:
00:53:15
like intense physical workout in that you might get from, walking up a hundred
Speaker:
00:53:20
steps to go and see the waterfall.
Speaker:
00:53:21
You're not hearing that.
Speaker:
00:53:23
Beautiful sort of nature sound, white noise that can really overload not
Speaker:
00:53:29
overload, but overrides, that busyness instead you're at home and you're hearing
Speaker:
00:53:32
beeping and you're hearing cars and you're hearing all these little bits and pieces.
Speaker:
00:53:35
You haven't met those sensory needs that you and your kids have.
Speaker:
00:53:39
That executive functioning kicked in and you've thought, there's a lot of steps.
Speaker:
00:53:42
I don't have that in me today.
Speaker:
00:53:44
That's not going to work out.
Speaker:
00:53:45
Which is fantastic.
Speaker:
00:53:47
Yes.
Speaker:
00:53:47
I've finally, and like I said, it's a bit of a rip off because you've
Speaker:
00:53:50
gone, I finally got the skills that it seems like every other parent had to
Speaker:
00:53:54
go, that's not realistic to do today.
Speaker:
00:53:56
We're not going to be able to do that and get home and cook
Speaker:
00:53:59
dinner and do all of these things.
Speaker:
00:54:01
So you've decided not to do it, but then you're at home and
Speaker:
00:54:07
You're trapped in your own house.
Speaker:
00:54:08
So instead of climbing steps, they're going to jump on the couch and jump on
Speaker:
00:54:12
each other and then somebody's going to cry and then that's more noise
Speaker:
00:54:15
and then they're all needing you.
Speaker:
00:54:17
Even though you've feel like you've made a good decision because you've been able
Speaker:
00:54:22
to activate that, foresight of we can't do this from a time management perspective,
Speaker:
00:54:28
you haven't got the opportunity to then meet the sensory needs and you're still
Speaker:
00:54:32
getting the input that's overwhelming.
Speaker:
00:54:35
I think there's always some goodness to ADHD, there's a little bit of
Speaker:
00:54:39
goodness and look again, I would take ADHD medication over not taking it, but
Speaker:
00:54:43
there's an element of like grief where you're like, I do remember doing some
Speaker:
00:54:48
pretty crazy, funny things and having a good time and not worrying about it.
Speaker:
00:54:53
I do miss some of those adventures that I didn't even think about doing.
Speaker:
00:54:56
Sometimes that freedom of yeah, let's go do it.
Speaker:
00:54:59
I miss those days a little bit at times because I didn't have a lot of
Speaker:
00:55:03
these stuff that I'm left with now.
Speaker:
00:55:05
I think it's been really helpful to talk to you about this and about what
Speaker:
00:55:08
was it that you really loved about it.
Speaker:
00:55:10
Yes, the maybe it's not just the impulsiveness, but was
Speaker:
00:55:13
it actually, what were the experiences that you really loved?
Speaker:
00:55:16
Was it being outside and doing something together?
Speaker:
00:55:19
Was it being in nature?
Speaker:
00:55:21
Was it going somewhere where you could pet animals?
Speaker:
00:55:25
Or was it Going somewhere, where you could build things together.
Speaker:
00:55:28
What was it that you really love?
Speaker:
00:55:30
What were their highlights?
Speaker:
00:55:32
Was it just running up and down the beach and, just seeing your kids be
Speaker:
00:55:36
completely free and having space?
Speaker:
00:55:39
Is that what really, what you really loved?
Speaker:
00:55:42
And then think back to what sort of, if you were going to put that
Speaker:
00:55:46
sensory lens into it, what was that giving me from a sensory perspective?
Speaker:
00:55:51
And what was that giving my kids?
Speaker:
00:55:52
So was it that it looked really beautiful?
Speaker:
00:55:55
Did I need that visually beautiful thing?
Speaker:
00:55:56
Do I want to see nature?
Speaker:
00:55:57
And that's what something that feels really good to me.
Speaker:
00:55:59
Was it, I loved the feeling of.
Speaker:
00:56:02
walking up steps, or I love the feeling of having my feet in the
Speaker:
00:56:06
sand, or do I absolutely not ever like the feeling of my feet on the sand?
Speaker:
00:56:12
And that's why I don't want to go there again, but is
Speaker:
00:56:14
there something that I can do?
Speaker:
00:56:15
So we can have a similar experience without the part that I don't like, or
Speaker:
00:56:19
is there a way that I can prepare myself so that when we're leaving the beach
Speaker:
00:56:23
and the sand is stuck to my feet, and that's the feeling that irritates me all
Speaker:
00:56:26
the way home, what do I need to bring?
Speaker:
00:56:28
And.
Speaker:
00:56:29
in some ways, managing the ADHD means that you have got the ability to do a
Speaker:
00:56:33
little bit more of that forethinking understanding what you need, understanding
Speaker:
00:56:39
what absolutely lights you up, understanding what doesn't work for you.
Speaker:
00:56:43
What you want lots of, what you don't want any of, what you need a little
Speaker:
00:56:46
bit of, what tends to make you feel a bit icky, knowing that for you, and
Speaker:
00:56:51
then knowing that for your children.
Speaker:
00:56:53
is going to make it so much easier to think about what you want more of in your
Speaker:
00:56:57
day and what you want less in your day.
Speaker:
00:56:58
And we want more of the things that regulate us and less
Speaker:
00:57:01
of the things that don't.
Speaker:
00:57:02
We often call it a sensory diet.
Speaker:
00:57:04
And that's basically filling our day, like scheduling our day in the
Speaker:
00:57:08
same way we will schedule our meals is that we have some big meals of.
Speaker:
00:57:13
sensory input that we love.
Speaker:
00:57:15
So for those kids that love a bit of rough and tumble and lots of heavy
Speaker:
00:57:19
work, are they doing wheelbarrow walks on the way to brush their teeth?
Speaker:
00:57:21
Or are we out on the trampoline before breakfast or before school?
Speaker:
00:57:25
Because that's what they need as a adult.
Speaker:
00:57:28
Is it, you would like to just get up and have a cup of tea.
Speaker:
00:57:31
before anybody else woke up?
Speaker:
00:57:32
Do you just want that little bit of quiet time?
Speaker:
00:57:35
Can you build that in on those days where you've dropped the kids off?
Speaker:
00:57:40
And I know you're so time poor.
Speaker:
00:57:41
Is there, one day where you can go, I'm just going to go home, have a cup of tea.
Speaker:
00:57:46
I'm going to set the timer up and I'm going to sit outside for
Speaker:
00:57:48
five minutes before I do anything else and put any other demands.
Speaker:
00:57:51
And that is going to be my break.
Speaker:
00:57:54
Then face this next lot of stimulation and task and demands that I've got.
Speaker:
00:57:58
And when your husband says, what do you want to do?
Speaker:
00:58:01
I'm going to give you an hour, really think about what is regulating for you.
Speaker:
00:58:06
Is it going for a walk?
Speaker:
00:58:08
Is it driving somewhere that you can then go for a walk
Speaker:
00:58:10
without bumping into anybody,
Speaker:
00:58:12
Yeah, it's a great point.
Speaker:
00:58:13
I've really had to.
Speaker:
00:58:14
Look at myself.
Speaker:
00:58:15
And I think I, spoke about this on another episode around, grief that.
Speaker:
00:58:19
One of my children's repeating kindy and one of them is now homeschooled.
Speaker:
00:58:21
So obviously I thought that this would be my last year, but I'm
Speaker:
00:58:26
already repeating kindy with one.
Speaker:
00:58:28
And, I'm really putting in that last year.
Speaker:
00:58:29
And I've really been thinking that 2024 was the year that I
Speaker:
00:58:33
would have three kids in school.
Speaker:
00:58:35
It's been tough for me to have what's happened and then be
Speaker:
00:58:40
left with just such little time.
Speaker:
00:58:42
And I was really looking forward to this year, if I'm honest, I've been counting
Speaker:
00:58:46
down to it for quite a long time.
Speaker:
00:58:48
For that feeling of watching three kids in uniforms.
Speaker:
00:58:50
I think that's probably been difficult as well because my attitude.
Speaker:
00:58:55
I haven't done enough to help myself and make use of those times
Speaker:
00:58:59
effectively with a positive attitude.
Speaker:
00:59:01
Okay, like that's a great point you've made.
Speaker:
00:59:03
Okay, I'm going to jump in the car and I'm going to drive to a nice walk.
Speaker:
00:59:06
Like when you're not feeling good, I think I've probably just
Speaker:
00:59:09
sat in despair a little bit.
Speaker:
00:59:11
If I'm honest, like I probably haven't done enough to truly problem solve
Speaker:
00:59:16
and help myself because I think I've just been caught just overwhelmed,
Speaker:
00:59:19
but then not even problem solving it.
Speaker:
00:59:22
You know how you just get caught.
Speaker:
00:59:23
What would be some strategies that you think most people could do?
Speaker:
00:59:27
I think first it's, like I said, understanding what are your triggers,
Speaker:
00:59:31
probably are the most important things.
Speaker:
00:59:32
So what are the things that are going to tip you over the edge and avoiding them?
Speaker:
00:59:36
Thinking about those things that you really love and making sure you're
Speaker:
00:59:40
putting more of them into your day, generally from a sensory perspective,
Speaker:
00:59:44
proprioceptive input, deep pressure and linear vestibular movement.
Speaker:
00:59:48
Up and down movement or forward and backwards.
Speaker:
00:59:50
So the same plane call them universal modulators.
Speaker:
00:59:53
So generally they're the things that are going to help you feel calm.
Speaker:
00:59:56
Gardening, swimming, walking, running.
Speaker:
01:00:00
If you're feeling more down, you probably need to be going
Speaker:
01:00:03
with that more gentle stuff.
Speaker:
01:00:04
And if you're feeling hyped, you probably need more intensity.
Speaker:
01:00:08
If you are a family that can walk your kids to school, and that's a
Speaker:
01:00:12
really good way of starting your day, then put that into your day.
Speaker:
01:00:16
Just think about what you can put into your everyday routine
Speaker:
01:00:20
that's going to help you.
Speaker:
01:00:21
And that's going to meet the routine.
Speaker:
01:00:23
So try to put it into things that you're already doing it because it's
Speaker:
01:00:27
going to make it a lot easier and it also takes away the mental load
Speaker:
01:00:30
of having to make another decision and have to problem solve it.
Speaker:
01:00:33
Whether it's, journaling it out, whether it's talking to a friend about, just
Speaker:
01:00:39
finding out the things that you love and just trying to put more of that in your
Speaker:
01:00:41
day, that's going to really help you.
Speaker:
01:00:44
But think about when your body feels good, like moving is really important.
Speaker:
01:00:48
Heavy working, like that pushing, pulling carrying things, getting in the garden,
Speaker:
01:00:54
housework even, if it's the vacuuming that is actually what kind of makes you
Speaker:
01:00:59
feel better in your body, do that first.
Speaker:
01:01:02
That's going to make you more regulated, choose your battles
Speaker:
01:01:05
and have an exit strategy.
Speaker:
01:01:07
Doing things with your kids that they want to do, if you feel
Speaker:
01:01:10
like you can know how to get.
Speaker:
01:01:12
out of that.
Speaker:
01:01:13
I am imagining that your tolerance for that light tactile icky touch
Speaker:
01:01:18
is very low and theirs is very high.
Speaker:
01:01:20
Which means that you're probably not wanting to give them lots of.
Speaker:
01:01:23
experiences because that's uncomfortable to you, but they
Speaker:
01:01:26
are going to find it somehow.
Speaker:
01:01:27
If you can have that outside and you're like they're going to come inside.
Speaker:
01:01:31
So I'm going to have a bucket of water and two towels at the door, and
Speaker:
01:01:35
I can just deal with that tomorrow.
Speaker:
01:01:37
If you have got that to stop it all coming into the house, just try to be
Speaker:
01:01:42
a step ahead of it is the rudest thing you can say to an ADHD mom, cause it's
Speaker:
01:01:46
I can never be a step ahead of it.
Speaker:
01:01:48
That's the problem.
Speaker:
01:01:49
That's why we're here.
Speaker:
01:01:50
Trying to think about what's next.
Speaker:
01:01:54
While you're out there.
Speaker:
01:01:55
Don't start anything because they're going to lose interest in a minute,
Speaker:
01:01:59
but just be ready for what comes next.
Speaker:
01:02:01
So try to find ways where you can let your kids meet their sensory
Speaker:
01:02:05
needs in a way that doesn't completely ruin you and yours.
Speaker:
01:02:10
I would absolutely say if you can, see an OT because I work with children and
Speaker:
01:02:17
the one thing that I wish I did more of and that I'm trying to make more time
Speaker:
01:02:21
of, which is why I even reached out to you, is stopping and thinking about what
Speaker:
01:02:25
are the parent's sensory preferences?
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01:02:27
Because I can give you a list of all of these things that I'd encourage
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01:02:30
you to do to support your child.
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01:02:32
But if that is, in complete disharmony with what you would like to do,
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01:02:36
You're not going to want to do that.
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01:02:38
And you're just going to think, Oh, what's she's giving me, she's
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01:02:40
making my life harder, not easier.
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01:02:42
And this is supposed to make it easier.
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01:02:44
So think about where your preferences and your kids intersect, spend
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01:02:48
more time there because you're going to be enjoying that more.
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01:02:52
You're going to be
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getting those quality connections.
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01:02:54
They're not going to be coming looking for you later and trying to, get that
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01:02:58
attention and make that connection with you when you're really overloaded.
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01:03:02
Put the oxygen mask on first.
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01:03:05
Don't think, Oh, you know what I, and this is something that I did as a.
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01:03:08
Okay.
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01:03:08
So I was like, I'm going to be a good parent, especially when they were younger.
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01:03:10
I was overloaded.
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01:03:11
I was, very close to burnout and I'm like, but they need sensory
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01:03:14
experiences and they need this.
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01:03:15
So I have to set up some painting.
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01:03:17
And I'm just giving myself more and more jobs because I thought that's
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01:03:20
what a good parent looked like.
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01:03:22
And actually that's not helpful because then I end up being snappy and then
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01:03:25
I feel bad about it and then they're crying and then they need me where
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01:03:28
actually I just need them to get off me.
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01:03:29
But.
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01:03:30
The more you don't want them to do that, the more they're on you.
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01:03:33
So just be really sick about what you can offer in that moment.
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01:03:37
And if at that time, the kindest thing you can do to everyone is say,
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01:03:41
headphones on, we're all having our individual screen time because that's
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01:03:44
going to regulate us, then do that.
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01:03:46
But also know that they will need to move because they've just had this downtime.
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01:03:52
Once you're ready, rather than go, all right, screens off now, we're
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01:03:55
going to do something that you hate.
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01:03:57
Let's go screens off.
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01:03:58
We're already, we're going outside to jump on the trampoline or we're going
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01:04:01
outside to swing or we're going outside to have a handstand competition or whatever
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01:04:04
it is that is going to pique their interest and use that to support your
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01:04:09
transitions because transitions are really challenging with neurodivergent kids.
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01:04:15
The transitions that's not even about being there and then it's like leaving.
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01:04:21
My hubby said to me the other day, something he had to go somewhere and
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01:04:24
I was like, I just need you to help me leave netball or leave soccer.
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01:04:28
I was like, you don't even have to watch the game.
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01:04:30
Can you just be there between 20 Like you want me to drive 20
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01:04:34
minutes to be there for 20 minutes?
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01:04:36
I was like, Yes, because otherwise it will take me 90 minutes.
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01:04:40
If you could just arrive for the 20 minutes of leaving, that would be great.
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01:04:45
Like I'll never make it.
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01:04:46
And I love that you're able to identify that is actually the
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01:04:50
place where you need the most help.
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01:04:51
And asking for help.
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01:04:52
And that is really helpful once you realise what it is that you need.
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01:04:56
You're like, yeah, why was that such a head fuck.
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01:04:58
It was the leaving part that gets me.
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01:05:00
This has been so helpful.
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01:05:01
I feel like I could just, Go with you for another hour, but we will have
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01:05:04
to pull it up there at some point.
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01:05:05
We might have to do transitions possibly another time.
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01:05:07
I feel like that's a whole nother podcast.
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01:05:09
That is a whole nother podcast.
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01:05:11
Completely because doesn't everybody talk about the transitions and transitioning
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01:05:16
is just, cause I've got one that like wants to leave as soon as we arrive
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01:05:20
and one that never wants to leave.
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01:05:21
And so as soon as you got differences, like you spoke about
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01:05:23
it, it's just a complete mess.
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01:05:25
Thank you so much.
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01:05:26
There's been lots for me to think about.
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01:05:27
And I think biggest take home message for me and probably other people listening
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01:05:30
is put yourself first a little more.
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01:05:33
Because I think I've been not doing that.
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01:05:35
Yeah,
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01:05:36
your preferences.
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01:05:37
Just get to know what's underneath as well.
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01:05:40
Yeah, that's a great point.
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01:05:42
And I think we probably don't do that enough.
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01:05:45
And anyone listening to this podcast, it's questioning, am I doing it right?
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01:05:48
Am I enough?
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01:05:49
The mum guilt, I think as soon as you feel mum guilt, that you are doing
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01:05:52
a really good job because you're worrying about it enough to listen
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01:05:56
to a podcast about how to be better.
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01:05:58
The fact that you're, listening and trying so hard and then questioning and then
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01:06:02
laying awake at night worrying, that's the sign of a good mother that cares.
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01:06:07
But look, thank you so much for your time.
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01:06:09
I really appreciated it.
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01:06:10
Thanks
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01:06:10
for
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01:06:10
having me.
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01:06:11
The key message here is you are not alone.
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01:06:13
Thank you for listening.
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01:06:15
If you enjoyed this episode, follow us on Instagram or head
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01:06:18
over and join our amazing ADHD Mums podcast Facebook community.
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01:06:22
Everything you do matters and helps to spread the word about what
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01:06:26
neurodiversity in females looks like.