This week Jane interviews Rebecca Torpie, an occupational therapist and ADHD mum, discussing the challenges of sensory overload in both parenting & children. 

They explore how sensory processing affects daily life, emphasising the importance of understanding individual sensory profiles. Jane shares her personal struggles with constant interruptions and the overwhelming demands of motherhood. Rebecca offers insights into creating a "sensory diet" and practical strategies for managing sensory overload. 

The conversation highlights the need for self-care, communication, and support to create a balanced and fulfilling family life.

Want to know more about Sensory Overload? Visit Rebecca's website https://www.sensorysmartkidsot.com/

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Welcome to the ADHD Mums podcast, a safe place for everyday Australian

mums to discuss their struggles with ADHD, motherhood, and life.

Hello, and welcome to another episode of ADHD Mums.

Today, we have one that I personally shoved into the schedule desperately

because I was so keen to do it.

It's probably going to end up personal coaching for me, but I'm hoping

it's relevant for everybody else.

And that is ADHD and sensory overwhelm, identifying triggers and finding relief.

Welcome to you, Rebecca Torpey.

Thank you for having me.

And Rebecca Torpey is a OT.

So we've brought a expert on.

Most people cringe when I say expert, but look.

That's as expert as it gets.

She is a mum of two girls who are five and seven.

So they're quite young and noisy . Rebecca also has ADHD.

She's pretty much hitting exactly what I want to get on this podcast.

I always try and showcase Australian ADHD mums, because they've got that

beautiful blend of lived experience.

plus education And experience that we all

+want to learn from.

So I'm really excited, did you want to talk about how you

wrote me that email, Rebecca?

Yeah, it was in the school holidays and I was having one of those days that

we all have as ADHD mums or just as mums in general where their kids are

refusing to go to their holiday program.

And I was basically just putting off calling the clients to cancel

them and distracting myself.

I've been thinking about sending you an email for so long.

And I was like, I'm just going to do it.

And I just wanted to highlight the importance that I feel.

we need to place on understanding our sensory preferences and understanding

what sensory processing is because it's such a huge part of our challenges

for parenting in general, but challenges if you are neurodivergent

because the way you are perceiving sensory input is really challenging.

Just thinking about school holidays and everything that's going on , it's the

noise, you're out of your normal routines.

I just ended up emailing you saying, Hi.

This is something I really care about.

Have you ever thought about having someone, it doesn't need to be me, but

I really feel like it would be valuable for you to share it with your listeners.

It was it was such an interesting, cause I do get a lot of emails these days.

And I always, as I said, try and prioritize Australian ADHD mums.

I always prioritize people that actively listen.

I wrote back straight away and I was like, I don't know when we're going

to fit this in, but we're going to fit this in because I had, Found in

my, I hate using the word journey, but look, it is a bit of a journey.

There's no real word for it.

With ADHD meds that I was left with some just significant sensory issues.

But I didn't know what to do about it.

And I was reluctant to go back to my psychiatrist who I don't

have a great relationship with.

you know, The wait list for psychiatrists is fucking awful.

So to get a good one, just anyway, we don't prioritize ourselves enough.

But the point is that I've been in a real crisis the last, I'm going to say,

six months in terms of sensory overload.

I think that we will talk about sensory overload a lot.

But yet, do we really know what it is?

And do we really know the strategies?

of how to I suppose deal with it, which is why I was so keen for Rebecca to come on.

So if we jump right in what exactly is sensory overload?

So sensory overload is essentially a response when we have too much

information coming into one or many of our senses and it essentially overwhelms

our brain's ability to process or make sense of the information and then

that can send us into sort of a fight or a flight response or a shut down.

But To really understand sensory overload, I think you actually need to understand

what sensory processing is and think about what all of our senses are.

And as OTs, we often focus a lot on sensory processing and understanding

our unique sensory profiles.

So there's often assessment that we do called a sensory profile.

There's also one called a sensory processing measure.

These are a battery of questions where, and some of them are very long and you

may have filled them in for your children, if they've seen an OT before, it's really

getting an idea about how you respond in everyday life to different information.

So it looks at your five external senses our smell, our taste, our

touch, what we can hear, what we can see and how we respond to that, but

also our internal sensory systems, which is the vestibular system.

So that's being able to get the information.

We actually get it from receptors in our inner ear and it's in response to gravity.

So that's our movement response.

We know whether we're up or down or moving or still and then our proprioception.

And we get that from, That's our body sense.

So we get that from our muscles and joints.

And we know whether tells us about where our body position is.

And then we've got our eighth sense, which is more of a new kind of

concept, which is that interoception.

So what's going on inside my body and how can I respond to that?

So if you think about a really good way to think about sensory overload, and

I guess it's our sensory tolerance is if you think about when you're sick,

everything is more annoying, right?

You've just got less, you've got less tolerance to anybody

because you're feeling rubbish.

The noises are louder or people touching you are more annoying.

So we're heightened already because we're uncomfortable.

So other things are harder to process.

If we even go back a step and we think about.

In terms of our sensory systems, and I know you've spoken to other

people about sensory overload in terms of how we all have different

levels of what we can process.

So we've all got different thresholds to sensory input.

So some kids and adults can have really high thresholds for tactile input.

So they love being touched.

They want to touch things all the time.

And they're those kids, that always need to have something in their hand.

However, they might not like light touch, so they might not

like other people touching them.

And information coming in is going to be different to us

taking in our own information.

In the same way that we might Be really sensitive to noise, but often those same

children are the ones making the noise.

And I don't know whether you've got any of those in your household, but.

I have got three of them.

It's interesting you say that because they are so noisy.

But yet they don't like each other making noise.

So they're, one of them will walk around singing, but then be angry with the other

one for talking or for having the TV on, but like they're the noisiest kid there.

So yeah, it's interesting.

They seem to make a lot of noise, but yet can't deal with it.

Yeah.

And it's.

I guess if we think about all of our sensory systems, some people

talk about the cup kind of concept.

And you can tolerate so much input going into your cup before it overflows.

And that's when you're in sensory overload.

I also like to think of it like a mixer, when you have all of

the different volume controls.

So a little bit is going to feel like a lot of input, Or a lot might feel like

a little, like your mix is turned down.

So you need a lot of input to register.

What we sometimes see is that if we are sensitive to the input coming in, one

way we can control our environment is by overriding that with our own sound.

So I don't like the sound around me.

So if I'm making a sound, I can make it predictable.

I know what it is, and I can hear that instead of hearing something else.

So it's an adaptive strategy.

That's really interesting.

I turn up the music in the car just to avoid like screeching and sudden sounds

and then the kids talking constantly and I'm like, let's all listen to this song.

And then if they keep talking, depending on my mood, I keep turning it up

thinking, Oh my God, at some point, will they just stop and listen to the music?

And that's working for you?

That's your way of overriding it and regulating it?

But it maybe it's not working in your whole environment because of the working

for me, but yes.

And what's really challenging with neurodivergent families is that they're

not just one neurodivergent person and no one person with a sensory,

will have the same sensory profile.

So even your sensory seekers We'll all be seeking slightly different

versions of the same input.

I guess if I go back a couple of steps, if we think about when we

do that sensory profile and we look at all of those different ways

in which we react to the input.

So for example, some of the questions might be like, do you, Like spicy

food or do you always have to leave at room if there's a strong odor?

Do you avoid getting, your hair brushed or your nails clipped?

Do you push or hug animals too tightly?

Or are you sometimes too rough?

Or is it hard to, I was gonna,

Add

in there that I thought it was really

interesting that.

You talked about different sensory profiles because my five year old

Billy, all he wants to do is to touch.

So he's sensory seeking.

He walked past, he'll, and I want to use the word hit, but it's

not actually malicious hitting.

It's just give me some attention.

I'm here.

He's just constantly on you.

When I wake up in the morning, he's just on me.

Like he's on me the entire time and it's exhausting and draining.

the amount of sensory input that he needs.

And if you don't give it to him, he escalates and escalates when actually my

whole body is get this kid away from me.

Like I've been touching you for about six hours right now.

And then I'll sit down on the couch and then it's he's on me like a blanket.

And I think listening to that, it sounds like he's got a really high threshold

to touch input and you have a much lower threshold and touch is a tricky

one because there's that light touch.

So that light tickly touch is often quite alerting and arousing where that deep

pressure can come times be quite calming.

So a lot of the time we need that, we just don't realize that we need that.

But I think understanding each person in the house is their

sensory profile is really important.

because they don't often match up.

Generally if you have a high threshold, that is a lot feels like

a little bit, so you need a lot.

So you're talking about Billy wanting to touch everything.

So he has a high threshold for touch.

He wants a lot and then, and he's seeking that.

So he's having an active response.

So if we've got a high threshold, we'll either go out and actively

seek it, or we will just.

maybe not notice what's going around because you need a lot,

but you're not getting it.

So you just sit around and you're like, I don't notice anything

because nobody's touching me and I'm not getting the right input.

So sometimes they're those kids that maybe look like they're a little bit spaced out.

And they can't really engage cause they're not getting enough of that input in.

get to meet their needs so that they're in that sort of right state

for learning and for engagement.

And then we've got our avoiders.

So again, an avoiding is another example of an active response.

So if you don't like it and you actively avoid it, and that might

be that you go somewhere else, that you make up an excuse to get out of

it, if you've got the language to, or for kids that don't, that hit.

I'll often see kids that have really high sensitivity to sound from

other kids, and that hurts them, and they need to get out of that.

environment.

So they'll hit someone and it's not that they're necessarily naughty or

that they're thinking they're able to even think through to that consequence

that they need to get out of there because they are so overloaded.

And that's the only adaptive response that they've got.

So of course we're going to teach them what else they can

do and look at strategies.

But in that moment, they're using what I guess their best adaptive

response, which is To do an action that gets them out of there.

So you mean

for example I know that if I hit somebody here, I will get to leave this classroom.

I know I will get to go to the principal's office or whatever it is.

And I know I get to go for a walk.

I get to get off the mat and something else is going to happen.

And that's better than being here.

That so makes sense.

Or if I say a swear word or if I, push a kid or if I, and kids are so clever.

They work out really quickly what works.

Yes.

If you think about in a daycare setting, for example, a kid comes up, they

get too close, you push them away.

The first thing is teachers jump in and they remove them.

And it's not that, a kid that's going around purposely hitting

people, these kids aren't naughty.

They just haven't learnt.

what they need and they don't have necessarily have the language.

And we often as adults don't have that either because we don't have

that sensory lens to think about what's happening beforehand as well.

That's so interesting.

My husband and I had a really heavy conversation because he was

talking about Billy hitting him.

And when I'm saying hitting, like he probably hits me

lightly, to get attention.

Like it's like a pretty loud, pretty hard poke.

Like he's just constantly hitting me.

at me, but he definitely is a bit more aggressive and a tactile with my husband.

My hubby was more on the approach of hitting is not okay.

And it would often be at inconvenient times.

He's just gotten home or he just wants to sit down for a second or, they've

already done something together and then really just wants it to be more and more.

And there's this constant like pushing and hitting and it's, again,

it's not malicious, but it's, it's annoying, more than anything else.

He's started to do this time out thing.

If you don't stop hitting me, I'm going to put you in time out, which I

have a problem with because I remember being putting time out as a kid.

And I just sat there and thought about how much I hated my parents.

We had a chat about it and I was talking to him about, I didn't

think that was a helpful response.

It's just attention seeking, like he just wants to keep pushing.

And even though he's told no, as you said, he's learned that something

will happen, whether it's negative.

Or, my hubby will get up and crack it, or he'll, eventually maybe say, okay,

fine, I'll do it for another 10 minutes.

Something happens eventually.

We had a hard conversation around, why does he keep doing it?

If he's got a really high threshold for that deep pressure for that crash

and bash, if he's a goer, he wants lots of movement, he needs, again,

he needs a lot to even notice it.

And sometimes we find that those kids are also the kids, so that's

your proprioceptive system in play.

If they need a lot, they.

May not be really tuning in to how much force they're actually using.

So they might be the kids, that, that push too hard on things, that slam the

doors , they're mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, but they're actually hitting you.

And they don't know that's hurting you because that is just their speed.

They're fast.

They push.

They don't actually get that feedback about where their body

is in space and they need more.

So you need to feed the need, but it's also about finding to keep your sanity.

finding the times that it's going to work.

It's fucking tricky,

it's so tricky.

And I think as parents, where it gets really challenging is, especially when

you've got your own needs and your own demands and we're just so busy, it's being

able to Even for ourselves, have that level of executive functioning of going if

I meet this need, then his need is met and then I can do the thing that I need to do.

So for example, if you're at home with your three children and your

husband comes home and he just wants to talk to you first and he wants

to tell them first I'm going to talk to mom and then we're going to play.

That's just so hard for them to understand and you're trying to get them

to understand he's, his need in that moment is talking to you and offloading

his day and you're probably trying to

think about what's next and think about the kids that are yelling and you

just want them to stop because they've been yelling for the last hour and you

just really need something to happen.

If you think about flipping that, do you come home and you get straight

into a, let's have a big wrestle and a big cuddle and I'm going to tip you

upside down and I'm going to give you a tickle and I'm going to give you

a squash and that's what you need.

And then he's seen, he's not constantly interrupting you.

He filled that sensory, I won't even say cup.

These kids have buckets, like they just need so much of that input in.

Then there's a lot, he's going to be a lot more receptive to understanding

that, okay, now mum and I need to talk, so what are you going to choose now?

That's a really good way of putting it I think we've probably all got a

partner that, wants to talk to you first because they have something

that has happened that day, let's say.

And then the children are left, let me talk for five to 10 minutes and

then I'll play with you, which is very difficult for them to wait.

What happens in my house is that my hubby will start talking

to me and the kids can't wait.

Whether that's fair or not, I probably would say it's pretty fair.

They can't wait.

And cause they're excited.

But he has got something he wants to say, right?

So he has a need to complete.

So he will want to continue the conversation.

But what actually happens for me on my end is I'm like, okay, cool.

So now we're interrupted every three to four words.

The conversation that did take, that would have taken five minutes is now taking 15.

Nobody is getting their needs met.

I'm completely in the middle and I don't have a clear thought pattern.

My husband he just keeps saying relentlessly.

What do you think?

What do you think?

It's I don't know what I think because I can't think about what you're

saying, because I'm dealing with three people that are now really amped up

needing attention and he's ignoring them, like swatching them away as

we're having this conversation.

I can so see your point because I think one of the overloads for moms

is that never completed conversation.

It's constantly interrupted.

I said to my husband before, I'm really fucking done with being

interrupted because I actually had a friend here to look after my kids

so I could just do one thing, right?

And then the handyman who said he was just going to have a look decided

that he would actually do the job.

So what that meant is the electricity was going on and off.

So the screen that I like to use to edit was going on and

off, which was really annoying.

And then he was coming in, giving me constant updates and whether

he could fix the light or not, which I didn't give a shit about.

And then the kids came in and out because they didn't want me to leave.

And I was like, Oh my God.

And then my husband came home and decided to tell me about his day.

And I was like, Oh my God, I just don't think I've actually been able to

have something uninterrupted in weeks.

Do you know what I mean?

It drives me mad.

Absolutely.

I think as mums the challenge is that we're always holding on so many different

things about what we need to do.

So we've got our work jobs, we've got our home jobs.

And the mental load is.

so big and then if you've got kids with additional needs where you have

to do a lot of that scaffolding.

You have to be building in whether it's time in their day for their sort of

time to just decompress or If you've got kids on the spectrum, a lot more of that

preparation about, so we're going here and I need to tell you all the steps

and I've got to talk you through that.

And we've got to talk about what that might be, or we're going to this birthday

party and it's going to be noisy.

So I've got the headphones in my bag, but then we're ADHD mums.

So we didn't bring the headphones with us.

So we've got to think of another thing that we can use instead.

It's just so many things that you're constantly thinking about.

If you're the primary carer, there's often that I have to stop

what I'm doing for somebody else.

Sometimes I don't get to stay at work to finish my notes, because I need to get

the kids, because if I don't get them before 5 30, they're going to be crazy.

Then that means it's nine o'clock and it would have been much

easier to finish it at five.

But it's not where our life is right now.

And I'm okay with that, but it doesn't mean it's easy.

I think only mums.

maybe of kids with additional needs really get the intensity of it.

I think last night, for the millionth time, the kids had

broken , a key off the back door.

And I usually don't prioritize stuff like that because I just

don't want to deal with a locksmith on top of everything else.

Last night I think hubby was saying to me, Oh, so where should we put

the spare keys for the back door?

And we'd had a really awful day.

We had sick kids on and off all week.

And a lot of stress at work, he kept asking me, where should we put the keys?

And I said to him, I just don't really care.

I don't care where we put the keys.

I don't care.

And he's very specific about where he likes things and I literally don't care.

But he continues to ask.

Eventually, like nine o'clock, I put all the kids to bed and

I went to lock the back door.

And as I go to lock the back door, I thought, I won't put the key there

because he's going to say, don't do that.

As I went to put the key down, he goes, is that where you're going to put the key?

And I just blew up.

Like I just lost my temper because I was like, I don't know.

I don't know where I'm going to put the key.

It doesn't matter where I put the key.

And I just really lost my temper, which isn't like me.

And then he was very offended.

And I was like, I had to say sorry.

I didn't want to do the whole Sorry, but I think that's really a cop out when you

go, sorry, but you were really annoying.

Sorry for yelling at you, but you really suck.

So you deserved it.

I was trying to do a proper apology because he didn't serve me as my temper.

But I suppose in his mind, it was one question.

In my mind, it was the 750, 000th question that day of something that didn't matter.

And I just wanted to go to bed and be left alone.

It's often the straw that breaks the camel's back and it's, whether it's

questioning constantly or whether it's sounds all the time or whether it's

the feel of something, uncomfortable undies all day and then you're just

so sick of feeling icky and someone says something and you've lost it.

It just is that one thing that you cannot handle because you

are at your boiling point.

Yeah, and you can't offload we all try not to offload to our kids.

So sometimes my husband gets in the firing line, because, he

can't So leave it to your safe

person.

Yeah, and you can't offload Someone says Can, can I have a drink, or

can I do this I really try and hold inner rage, which is probably cancer

causing, but I try and hold it in.

And then, when the kids are in bed and my husband asks me a question that

just seems doesn't need to be asked, and I have to turn my mind back on.

It's just can you not I just don't care.

I feel bad about when I say that, but I think we just also got to just quickly

touch on the elephant in the room that I think is going to be there is the

whole thing around having sex at the end of the day, because it's really

difficult for me to communicate with my husband who I love dearly, by the way.

Like I'm in a loving relationship and yes, we have three kids, but

most people, I think, would have an expectation that they would still be

having some sort of sex life, but it's difficult for him to comprehend a lot

of the time that I'm just like touched out I just want to be left alone.

But then in fairness, on his perspective, I'm like thinking he probably feels

unloved at this point because I don't want to sit down and watch TV with him.

I don't really want to talk to anybody else.

And then he is probably in fairness last night trying to start a conversation with

me because I just was like really done.

And then, I suppose it's like that lack of then having time or any energy left.

When you talk about being touched out, so you've had all these little

moments building up across the day of these little bits of touch of people

always wanting to be on your body, whether that's kids sitting on you or

just feeling like everybody's in your space and just wanting some space.

And it sounds like there's not a lot of time to I keep saying decompress, it's

probably the best way to describe it.

If you think about almost like a volcano, if every little thing you're getting up

and up and up, then you're just going to explode, like you need an opportunity

to come back down so that you're back within your window of tolerance.

One way that people will often.

Talk about sensory, but also around just general input, is

around that window of tolerance.

We can be high energy, low energy, and somewhere in between.

And if we think about, when we're in our window of tolerance, we can cope.

We can have good conversations.

We can have meaningful interactions.

We can actually access the cognitive part of our brain, our thinking brain, we're

not in that fight or flight or explode or freeze or shut down or pull away mode.

When we get too high, we're in that fight or flight, get away from me.

When we're too low, we just want to lay down and do nothing.

We've got no energy or completely withdraw.

What happens is across the day, we're going to go up and down

and, closer to our thresholds.

If there's sensory challenges, generally our band of tolerance is narrower.

So it's a lot harder to stay within that.

And it means that we need more breaks throughout the day.

So what's happening if you're feeling like you're really touched out, you just

had, you've had too much tactile input.

It's about getting that balance across all of the senses.

and working out what is harming for you and working out what is alerting for you

and working out what things will make you feel calm and organized and what

things will irritate you essentially.

If that light touch is really overwhelming and you've just had too

much of it for the day, do you actually need to get away from everybody?

Do you need to just say, go for a run where you're getting like some really

rhythmical kind of vestibular movement with lots of that, proprioceptive.

So you're really using your muscles.

There's that huff and puff.

You're really activating that system that helps to bring everything back down and

re regulate all of those sensory systems.

And it almost resets them in a way.

So that then, when that extra touch input comes in, so whether that's,

the last, kisses and cuddles from the kids before they go to bed, or whether

that's, wanting to have sex with you later, you're back in your own body,

you're feeling calm, you're feeling like you can process that without going into

that fight or flight, or just freeze and withdraw and I don't want to do that mode.

I think it's that like you were talking about the cup, like it's so constant

that I feel like it never empties.

So then I never give like quality touch or like the input then I think is less

because I never have an empty cup.

If I actually had more availability, I would be able to do some of those

things, maybe meet those needs.

I know you were talking about not even knowing what you needed.

If you had a break, it was going to the shop, it was too noisy,

going, I don't totally know what to do to then get that reset.

How do I stop all of that input coming in?

I don't know what to do.

So that is when I think looking at your own sensory profile and

looking at what, if you think about touch, what kind of touch do I like?

What kind of touch don't I like?

If the kids have to be on me, do I prefer them to literally be laying on

me where I'm squashed underneath them?

And that is fine.

Or, do I want them to brush my hair or are you just Oh my God, that I, the feeling

of that just makes me want to vomit.

So it's working out what you like and what's regulating for you.

And then finding your Venn diagrams, thinking about what do you like

and what do your kids need?

You've got three, so you have to have a really complicated one.

And where do they all cross over?

Because that's what you want to be doing.

That's what you want to have more of that in your day, because that's

going to be regulating for everybody.

So you talked about gardening was something that you gotten back into and

that might have been a few weeks ago.

Is that something where your kids could have their hands in the dirt and they

can get messy and you actually can feel like you've achieved something outside

or it's something that you can see if you need to be able to see that I've

achieved something or if you need to feel productive, is that something you can do?

Or is it something that you've done together and you've shared a connection?

But you can also just go, cool, that mess is outside and we are done and

we can come inside and I don't have to think about the ramifications

of that for the rest of the night.

I can just go in and wash my hands and we're good.

And we can move on to the next thing compared to, Oh,

my kid loves tactile input.

So I'm going to have to set up a shaving foam station, but I know

that's going to mean that it's actually in the couch and I'm going

to spend four hours cleaning tonight.

That's not helping anybody.

It's really hard to come back from that, to get back to a stage where you're

feeling like you're in a position to have, a good conversation and have,

good interaction with your husband and really be having those connected moments.

It's been a, it's been a tricky one because there's not

a lot of time at the moment.

And I think, moving my daughter towards homeschooling has only reduced.

any chance of any semblance of being alone ever.

Which is upped it again of intensity.

And I've still got a, five year old who's repeating Kindy.

So he's not there all the time either at Kindy.

He's often here with me as well.

So it's pretty nightmarish, actually, if you think about sensory overload.

And Billy also has bad separation anxiety.

So he will say if I try and leave.

I feel like I might die when you leave.

It's like I'm his food source, loving source, like no one else is good enough.

It has to be me.

So leaving is difficult.

And my hubby tries his best where he will try and carve out like, Oh, here's an

hour, go and do something for yourself.

And I think that's his way of attempting to help.

What will I do with that hour?

I don't necessarily want to go walk down to the beach because

like the conditions and the weather and then often I see neighbors and

I'm just like, Oh my fucking God.

Also there's neighborhood kids that are all down there who then

will want to come and talk to me.

And then, my husband's like, why don't you go shopping?

I was like, I hate shopping.

I don't even know how you think that I like shopping.

I don't like going to cafes like, and it's I would like doing those things

if I wasn't so overloaded all the time.

And so then sometimes I would.

Sit in my car in the garage, which sounds really depressing.

And it is because I'm like, wow, this is a shit life.

Like it's a bit depressing.

And so that's when I started thinking, okay, if it's difficult to leave

the house, maybe I need to build in things that are here, which is why I

Jumped onto my daughter's gardening, the hyperfocus that she's currently

in, and we were doing that together.

And that is helpful, and I suppose it gets me out of just walking around

the house cleaning, just moving shit from one place to another.

Don't want to make this depressing, but sometimes I just

think, oh, is that all there is?

Is this it?

Is that my me time?

Like holy shit, like I know it's not

going to last forever, but the days feel long.

And they really would, because if you're not getting that opportunity

to reset, then you're going back.

I guess if you think about, you're halfway up that threshold, where you're

going to explode and you only get to come a quarter of the way back down.

It's not going to be a lot to then be able to It's not to take more on, before then

you feel like you're overloaded again.

It sounds like for you and for your particular sensory sort of

processing and your sensory profile is like noise is something that's.

Yeah, noise is one of the problems.

I think the screens are part of the problem and the TV blaring.

And then of course the kids have ADHD, so they, if there's background

noise, they will turn the volume up.

Then they'll compete with the volume and it will go up and up.

And I just feel like all I do is my dad used to yell, turn it down.

Even my head cup headphones here that I'm wearing, you can't really

wear them all the time because then often there's a fight.

You can't hear the fight.

So then I'm like, it's not really safe to walk around or sociable.

Like it's a bit, it's a bit much.

This is a tricky thing.

So then I put the headphones on the kids.

And I say, okay, headphones, right?

But then I just feel like, what a terrible mother am I that I'm making

my kids put on headphones, right?

And then I get in my head about the guilt

I think you need to be able to just give yourself a rest and give yourself

a break because you're not going to be able to keep co regulating your

kids if you're not regulated yourself.

Sensory input that isn't.

The input that we need will dysregulate you.

as a parent, so much of your job is about co regulating your kids

and being able to be the calm while they're having their big emotions.

And so, if they're on devices anyway, if they're watching

TV, that's what they're doing.

If you could just go, you know what?

That's what you're doing.

We're going to do that for an hour.

Put your headphones on.

You're not all bouncing off each other and the volume's going

up and that's overloading you.

If that means that at the end of that hour everyone's happy with their screen time.

Nobody's saying, but I didn't get to choose or I couldn't

hear mine and that's not fair.

And they interrupted me.

That wasn't actually a break for anybody, was it?

That's a good point.

Actually.

This sounds really awful.

Lucky my hubby doesn't listen to this podcast, but he goes out and

does rugby coaching at nighttime.

And initially I was a bit like, Oh, now he works at night as well.

And I'm like, that's me by myself again with kids.

Anyway, I actually look forward to the nights.

It sounds awful.

I put headphones on, they each watch what they want to watch.

And then sometimes I sit down and watch something myself, or I'll just sit on

my bed and eat dinner, which sounds awful, but it's just a quiet room.

And I actually feel a little bit better.

Whereas if he's home.

He's really lovely.

He wants to talk to me all the time.

It sounds like such a, I'm such a whinger, but like he wants to have these lovely

chats and sometimes I'm just like, Oh my God, someone else can talk to me.

So two nights a week, I actually quite look forward to him not being there.

So I can be alone by myself reading a book.

Sounds terrible.

It doesn't sound terrible.

It sounds like you know what is actually going to help

you with your own regulation.

So something to focus on visually, a way to have a little bit of an escape

being able to just be in your own company without that extra noise, just to reset.

And do you find that then on those nights when you're then doing the bed

routine, are you feeling more calm, ready?

Oh, totally.

Yeah, totally.

It makes a big difference.

And it makes a big difference with him too, because he used to do this thing.

I reckon all the women on this podcast can be like, Oh my God.

So I've been getting up.

It sounds terrible, right?

This is, I feel so embarrassed.

I get up at four o'clock in the morning so I can have a cup of tea by myself, right?

It doesn't happen anymore because Billy's body clock is now set to 4am as well.

So he heaves the kettle, he's up, right?

I have trouble getting Gigi to go to sleep before nine o'clock.

So it's four a.

m.

to nine o'clock.

It might be one day a week.

It doesn't hit that amount of time.

I actually have been thinking in the last few days, I've got to have that

me time while the kids are awake.

Because then I feel I'm a bit more like alive when he comes back wanting

to tell me about how things went, that I'm not just really pissed

off with everybody at that point.

Yeah.

Cause you've recalibrated, You're back down into a space where you can take on

more information and more auditory input.

Having that time where everything is just dialed down for a little

bit so that you can feel like you're actually re regulated.

That makes a huge difference.

But I also think it's really important to have that conversation too, and whether

that's you need to practice talking about that to your husband because he's had

all that time, like he's gone from rugby training, which he may have really enjoyed

or he may Oh, he does really enjoy it.

He may have stressed out at times.

And then he's had the drive home.

In that quiet, and so then he's ready, he's done his own transition kind of

period where he's gone so I did this and now I'm coming home and I'm ready

to be home, where you don't know the exact time he's going to walk in.

You don't know that I've got five minutes before he comes, maybe

you would have had a shower if you thought he was coming home.

Maybe you would have done it slightly different because you

don't know exactly what's happening.

So whether you can say, I really want to hear about that, but

I've just put the kids to bed.

Do you want to sit with me and watch this for five and

then you can tell me about it.

It's a tricky one, isn't it?

I think.

communicating that to a hubby that doesn't probably get it, I think all the mums on

this podcast would identify as you, let's say you go out to the shops for an hour

or something, you've got to go to Coles.

And you come back and I don't know if that's supposed to count as a me time.

I would argue it doesn't.

But anyway, so you come back and then no one's had a problem for the

whole hour and then you walk in and it's like mum, mum, mum, mum, mum.

I like always wonder whether they don't get it because that

doesn't happen for them.

If I'm not there, they don't actually get loaded the same way

because I think there's a lack of understanding about what that.

actually use, which is why mum friends are important,

and especially when you're also talking about you as a person using

screen time and worrying about the guilt that comes with that.

Also don't know that husbands, and this is talking about, tetrasexual relationship.

That's

true.

Yeah, true.

Yes, correct.

Assuming that it's, that's the way it goes where, he's working more and you're

at home more, I guess that idea of that constant time management too, so

you're constantly thinking about, okay, they're having this hour now, that's

too much, where sometimes in the moment I think if you go out and they've been,

The TV's been on for so much longer and they don't even think that's a problem.

Oh, absolutely.

It's a different, I don't want to say standard, but it is.

I actually wondered that yesterday because I was like,

this has been such a hard week.

And I thought, I wonder if I just do this to myself.

I think it was Gigi was home from school, homeschooling, Gus was sick,

and then Billy didn't want to go to kindy because everyone else was home.

Which I get it, right?

Yeah.

He's got this real problem with rest time at kindy, which so ADHD, right?

It's too boring.

I won't, I can't, he can't lay there, right?

And he's five he shouldn't really be a prep.

I get it.

He doesn't need to nap.

He hasn't napped since he was 18 months old.

So he's bored.

I think he actually is quite troublesome during that period as well.

He convinced me to pick him up to take him fishing.

So on top of this big day.

Which was just a complete mess.

I'd promised him I'd pick him up at 1.

30 to take him fishing because I had the guilts.

By the time I did that, I was just inundated with the

other two when I got back.

I went to the toilet and one of the kids was passing me notes under the door.

I was like, this is just like relentless at the moment.

And then at that point I thought, so why did I say in all of this that I would go

to pick up Billy to take him fishing at 1.

30?

Like I actually thinking my husband would never, ever have promised him that.

He would have just been like, fucking mate, I'll get you there at 5.

30.

That's when you're doing.

And he would have reduced the amount of kids at home.

And he wouldn't have added one.

I was thinking, Oh my God, I'm part of the problem here with

this expectation for myself.

You don't think about what's going to happen by 1.

30 and you think they're happy with this, so they're going to be so happy to see me.

Because in your mind that makes sense and you forget about the fact that

he's probably gone to kindergarten, mum's picking him up early.

Is it time yet?

Is it time yet?

I'm getting picked up early.

And by the time you get there, whatever else has gone on for him,

then he's bam, here's my safe person.

All those things I was holding in together are going to come right out at you.

And you're like, Oh my goodness, I was trying to make this good for you.

And now it's harder for me.

I didn't know that.

the other two were going to be at each other at home or constantly on me.

I guess a lot of it's not being able to predict what's happening

and just wanting to please everyone.

It's like a little treat.

So you're not missing out.

well, What's the quality?

What am I, what are we all going to get out of this fishing experience?

Do I need to say we're going to do that on the weekends?

And that's easier said than done.

And that's, that's it.

The ADHD mum in you also, of that executive functioning

of being able to think, is 1.

30 this afternoon me going to thank 8 o'clock in the morning me?

No, but you just need to get him out the door.

I think

it's the 8 o'clock in the morning me maybe has like an unrealistic

expectation of what it will look like.

When I walked back in and I'd like, honestly, it had been such a massive day.

And then I realized the other two had sat on screens.

right?

Completely quiet.

I think my hubby had just had downtime.

He seemed fine.

And then they like jumped up and then had all these needs.

I just don't think the experience is the same, but then I also

think the closeness is different.

I get all of it and I wouldn't want to not have that.

So it's a tricky one, but I think And the conversations with a partner

can be tricky if they don't really fully understand what it's like.

It's also just that general reliance on you as a parent and the difference

of that expectation of who they're going to go to, to meet their needs.

I think if we go back to how that lines up with sensory overload it's

the question, it's the noise, but it's also the thinking, it's that constant,

always having to have an answer.

And when you're the person who's doing more of that, Caregiving, they want a

real answer, not a, I don't know, or just because, they want an actual answer.

So then you're also having to think, so you've got the cognitive load as

well as, not only is this just adding to the noise, But then it's also going

to be harder if one child is asking you a question and expecting an answer,

but then two other children are in the background yelling or screaming or

playing a game or turning a music up,

but the other child wants a question and they want you to be able to focus on them.

That's so hard because you just can't dampen that sound behind you.

Is that something that you experienced?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

It's all the half thoughts.

So for example earlier today, Because we're having some issues

with something at work, my hubby was like, okay, so what was the timeframe

around this decision that you made?

When did that happen?

What month?

And he starts asking me questions, right?

At the same time one is saying my throat hurts, I need more medicine.

And the other one is going, why isn't my laptop working?

I want to log on to IXL.

And then it's, the TV's in the background, and then it's like this constant, so

I have to go do half of one job, come back, he's still waiting for an answer,

I'm still trying to think of a thought pattern, and then something else happens,

and I'm like, I actually haven't had a clear thought, or I can actually think

of something, I actually need to shut my brain off and it's not even my own ADHD.

It sounds like it's not being able to filter out.

information.

And part of that is because you're a mother and you're their primary caregiver.

It's not like you're just ignoring the train that's going past in the

background or, somebody hooning along or the ambulance or something

that, isn't something you need to tune into because that's not

important and not relevant to you.

I think there's an extra layer of sensory processing going on as being

a mum because you do have to tune in to those things because how our

senses work is we've got our sort of protective senses that are, we want to

know, is this safe or is this unsafe?

If it is safe, then what do we need to get from this?

So our discrimination.

So what information is this giving us?

Is that background conversation relevant to me?

No, I don't need to tune into that.

But when it's our children, we've got three that we do

always have to be tuning into.

I don't have three, you've got three.

And they all tend to talk at the same time and the more that we can know, I think In

terms of sensory processing and sensory overwhelm, knowledge is absolutely power.

The more you know about your sensory needs and the more you know about the

sensory needs of everybody in your house.

the better you can be equipped for it.

So if you know that I am really overloaded by your questions right now

because there's too much going on and the more you practice saying that and

letting your husband know and teaching him that's really challenging for you,

the more you can set your environment up and you can set your routines up.

to support your sensory needs.

We really need to talk about this.

I just need to sort the kids out or you need to help me sort the kids out.

So then we're going to go into the room and talk and have this for five minutes.

We actually need to do this without interruption because I'm going to have

to look this up or I'm going to have to remember and I can't do this right now.

So being able to go, I can only focus on this level of information if I don't

have all this noise in the background.

There's a common element when you have a neurodivergent family I've

definitely heard of mums that feel the same, that you have a partner

that requires maybe confirmation that they're doing the right thing.

And they're actually like helpful, but they're just requiring

like prompting, confirming that they're doing the right thing.

And that was never really a problem, if I'm honest, until they, all of my

kids got a bit bigger and they required the same thing because when they were

smaller and they were like just crying, but didn't actually have any actual like

words or there was only one or two of them that did, I didn't notice it as much.

But I think it's when.

they get a bit bigger and they all have complex questions.

And I think that's when the fatigues hit I agree with you though.

I agree with you, but I've never noticed it.

You think it's ADHD meds that brings it out?

That I think there is there too.

That's a really interesting question that you asked about that there's not

evidence about it necessarily making you more sensitive to any certain input.

But I do wonder, when you've got meds, it's dampening down all of

the other non important information.

And I guess in doing that, maybe it's making the questions louder.

In some way, because by improving your ability to focus and to get rid of some of

the less important things, you can't block your kids out because they're important.

Maybe there would have been time pre medication where the kids

are asking you questions, but you've gone, yeah, I'm listening.

Oh, I wonder what we're having for dinner.

I'll open the fridge and I'll go here.

And I'm distracted by my own thoughts.

And Oh, whoops.

I forgot what you were, what were we talking about?

Where.

That impulsiveness has been dampened down, so you're not following your

own thoughts, you haven't got the busyness in your brain, but You're

more tuned in to those questions.

Yeah, that makes total sense.

I think I'm, yeah, definitely more aware.

But then I also got diagnosed as autistic, and that was only after being on ADHD

meds, so a lot of people have sent me DMs and said, I didn't notice any of these.

Things because I was so busy or, I had some into my brain

or I didn't notice them all.

But when that ADHD receives treatment, people say about autistic people

having nerves on the outside of the body as opposed to having ears,

they just have it on all the nerves.

I definitely have felt exposed the last 12 months, taking ADHD medication,

I would hands down continue to take and it's done wonders for me.

So I'm absolutely not bagging it out.

But there's the other side of it, there's other stuff that's now sitting

there that I'm having trouble with.

What I have done though, a few people have said to me, to treat that with a

non stimulant and obviously we're not psychiatrists, we're not doctors,

but I have noticed that since taking Intuiv, which is a non stimulant

for hyperactivity and impulsivity, which is 100 percent what I have.

A lot of it's cognitive, but I tell you, I'm not good at sitting down either.

The injury has settled down some of that.

I said to my husband, all I wanted for Mother's Day was to

be in the dark, quiet, right?

That's all I wanted.

And he was like, okay, how do I make that happen?

So I went to City Cave and I could not stand even the dim lights.

I couldn't even deal with that.

I had to turn it off into a black room.

a hot black room.

It sounds so weird.

And I sat in the hot black room.

I couldn't even read a book.

I didn't want the music.

I turned everything off.

And they're like, Oh, this is the blue stress light.

And this is yellow light for healing.

And I was like, fuck these lights.

I turned them all off.

I started taking medication, the Intuiv apparently it works within

three or four days because I've already been taking Vyvanse.

Then I think it was a, maybe a week later, 10 days later, I went back in to the same

place and I had noticed that I was feeling a bit better, but it was only after I

left the sauna that I was like, wow, I left the lights on and I had music and

I actually read a book and I didn't have the strong need for all of that to stop.

I wasn't as, affected by the sensory stuff.

Yeah.

I didn't notice the lights as much.

It didn't occur to me to turn everything off.

I was more like, It sounded

like The second time around you were less heightened.

So you weren't looking for that complete.

shutdown of everything.

Like you, you could still tolerate a lot more and maybe you could

notice that without feeling an emotion attached to that.

You could actually take that in as information as opposed to a threat to your

nervous system.

Yeah,

but environment

had not changed.

So there was no difference at home.

There was nothing changed, so the intuitive, I think.

has helped with some of that.

Most people most psychiatrists and pediatricians, not that I am one, but

I have heard many of them say that if you do have underlying autistic traits,

tendencies, or you are autistic, whatever the right wording is you can benefit from

a non stimulant or like an antidepressant because sometimes the stimulant is not

that's treating the ADHD leaves any autistic ness, again, whatever the right

words are on the outside of your body.

And you're like not.

prepared, you don't know it's there and then you're left raw and exposed.

That's what I have heard.

However, obviously everyone should seek their own medical advice.

And

I've definitely seen it in kids that have come in for even as autism assessments and

the ADHD traits were quite significant and they were impacting their function.

The paediatrician actually said, look, we need definitely ADHD and we're not

actually sure right now, when that child came back 12 months later after

some OT and looking at some of those ADHD traits and being on medication,

it was very clear the autistic traits of struggling to engage and some of

that social reciprocity wasn't there because they're hyperactive traits.

dampened.

So it was hard to tell whether it was previously a ADHD thing where

it was just, she was very impulsive.

So is it just that there wasn't the attention and that's why she wasn't

being able to engage in a conversation or being able to sort of show some social

reciprocity once the ADHD was treated, that it was very clear that was there.

I've heard other adults also talk about the, challenges of when you're

diagnosed with ADHD and then you take medication, all of a sudden, all those

things that maybe had been simmering around the surface that you could just

ignore because you jumped from one thing to another and you kept busy

and you just kept pushing it all down.

All the noise stops and these things come up and you all of a

sudden have to deal with them.

And that can be really overwhelming for some people, especially if there's

any traumatic background or if there's I'm more going from an emotional

social perspective or like in your own experience, if you are autistic

and you have just never really thought of it and then all of a sudden you're

like, okay, I'm not jumbled all the time with my thoughts and I'm feeling

a little bit more organized in my body, but now all of a sudden I'm realizing.

That I just do not feel good in my own skin, in the world, in the routine, these

things are really hard for me and I don't know what to do about that because I

can't just be busy or just override that.

Does that

resonate?

And it, you feel I felt really ripped off too, because I was like, okay, cool.

So I finally got diagnosed.

I finally got the right meds because, you only went through four first.

Finally get the right one.

I start to relax.

I have to fight to get the Vyvanse.

I was just like, this is just horrific.

The fact that I'm still going with this, which is why I wasn't returning

to the psychiatrist, which I should have earlier to get this sorted.

Like I really left it too long.

And I think if, there's people listening to this, that have sensory overwhelm

and they are taking ADHD stimulants, I think it is important to go and seek

some help because I left mine too long and I think that has contributed to.

I suppose some of the feelings of I've, just been feeling a bit

down oh this is just so hard.

And I was expecting it to feel easier.

And I think also with my A DHD, I was okay kids, let's go up to Bud Waterfalls.

Great.

Let's get your runners on.

Oh, you don't drink bottles?

Who cares?

Let's go.

. And you left with a bit of anxiety Oh, but where will I park at the waterfalls?

Do we need drink bottles?

Oh, it's too hard.

I don't think anyone wants to go.

Then I'm just thinking, who am I?

I used to take three kids under four to Australia Zoo in school

holidays, didn't think anything of it.

Now I can't, do anything nearly as difficult as that.

So it's been quite jarring because after fighting for so long, I thought I was

all But, mental health is never quite.

Or done, that might be an expectation that's not really real.

And I think there's a been, obviously you've changed your

environment and your routine and the experiences that you're having.

So from your perspective, maybe there's actually some unmet sensory needs.

because you're now have the ability of being able to go, you know what?

I can think that it's not a good idea to do all those things

because there's too many steps where you may be used to go out.

And if you went to just say that waterfall, it might've been a bit

of a shit show, like you said, where you didn't have the waterfalls

and there was a few tantrums, but.

You were out in nature for two hours, you climbed upstairs, you climbed downstairs,

kids scrambled on rocks, they got dirty, they met their sensory needs very much,

you got out in nature and you actually were doing something physically for your

body and that helped to give you that sense of regulation that you needed.

where if you're not replacing that with something at home.

If then you've gone, no, that's too hard.

We're going to stay home, but we'll, do a bit of playing at

home and that's going to be okay.

You're not replicating it in the same way where you're actually getting that

like intense physical workout in that you might get from, walking up a hundred

steps to go and see the waterfall.

You're not hearing that.

Beautiful sort of nature sound, white noise that can really overload not

overload, but overrides, that busyness instead you're at home and you're hearing

beeping and you're hearing cars and you're hearing all these little bits and pieces.

You haven't met those sensory needs that you and your kids have.

That executive functioning kicked in and you've thought, there's a lot of steps.

I don't have that in me today.

That's not going to work out.

Which is fantastic.

Yes.

I've finally, and like I said, it's a bit of a rip off because you've

gone, I finally got the skills that it seems like every other parent had to

go, that's not realistic to do today.

We're not going to be able to do that and get home and cook

dinner and do all of these things.

So you've decided not to do it, but then you're at home and

You're trapped in your own house.

So instead of climbing steps, they're going to jump on the couch and jump on

each other and then somebody's going to cry and then that's more noise

and then they're all needing you.

Even though you've feel like you've made a good decision because you've been able

to activate that, foresight of we can't do this from a time management perspective,

you haven't got the opportunity to then meet the sensory needs and you're still

getting the input that's overwhelming.

I think there's always some goodness to ADHD, there's a little bit of

goodness and look again, I would take ADHD medication over not taking it, but

there's an element of like grief where you're like, I do remember doing some

pretty crazy, funny things and having a good time and not worrying about it.

I do miss some of those adventures that I didn't even think about doing.

Sometimes that freedom of yeah, let's go do it.

I miss those days a little bit at times because I didn't have a lot of

these stuff that I'm left with now.

I think it's been really helpful to talk to you about this and about what

was it that you really loved about it.

Yes, the maybe it's not just the impulsiveness, but was

it actually, what were the experiences that you really loved?

Was it being outside and doing something together?

Was it being in nature?

Was it going somewhere where you could pet animals?

Or was it Going somewhere, where you could build things together.

What was it that you really love?

What were their highlights?

Was it just running up and down the beach and, just seeing your kids be

completely free and having space?

Is that what really, what you really loved?

And then think back to what sort of, if you were going to put that

sensory lens into it, what was that giving me from a sensory perspective?

And what was that giving my kids?

So was it that it looked really beautiful?

Did I need that visually beautiful thing?

Do I want to see nature?

And that's what something that feels really good to me.

Was it, I loved the feeling of.

walking up steps, or I love the feeling of having my feet in the

sand, or do I absolutely not ever like the feeling of my feet on the sand?

And that's why I don't want to go there again, but is

there something that I can do?

So we can have a similar experience without the part that I don't like, or

is there a way that I can prepare myself so that when we're leaving the beach

and the sand is stuck to my feet, and that's the feeling that irritates me all

the way home, what do I need to bring?

And.

in some ways, managing the ADHD means that you have got the ability to do a

little bit more of that forethinking understanding what you need, understanding

what absolutely lights you up, understanding what doesn't work for you.

What you want lots of, what you don't want any of, what you need a little

bit of, what tends to make you feel a bit icky, knowing that for you, and

then knowing that for your children.

is going to make it so much easier to think about what you want more of in your

day and what you want less in your day.

And we want more of the things that regulate us and less

of the things that don't.

We often call it a sensory diet.

And that's basically filling our day, like scheduling our day in the

same way we will schedule our meals is that we have some big meals of.

sensory input that we love.

So for those kids that love a bit of rough and tumble and lots of heavy

work, are they doing wheelbarrow walks on the way to brush their teeth?

Or are we out on the trampoline before breakfast or before school?

Because that's what they need as a adult.

Is it, you would like to just get up and have a cup of tea.

before anybody else woke up?

Do you just want that little bit of quiet time?

Can you build that in on those days where you've dropped the kids off?

And I know you're so time poor.

Is there, one day where you can go, I'm just going to go home, have a cup of tea.

I'm going to set the timer up and I'm going to sit outside for

five minutes before I do anything else and put any other demands.

And that is going to be my break.

Then face this next lot of stimulation and task and demands that I've got.

And when your husband says, what do you want to do?

I'm going to give you an hour, really think about what is regulating for you.

Is it going for a walk?

Is it driving somewhere that you can then go for a walk

without bumping into anybody,

Yeah, it's a great point.

I've really had to.

Look at myself.

And I think I, spoke about this on another episode around, grief that.

One of my children's repeating kindy and one of them is now homeschooled.

So obviously I thought that this would be my last year, but I'm

already repeating kindy with one.

And, I'm really putting in that last year.

And I've really been thinking that 2024 was the year that I

would have three kids in school.

It's been tough for me to have what's happened and then be

left with just such little time.

And I was really looking forward to this year, if I'm honest, I've been counting

down to it for quite a long time.

For that feeling of watching three kids in uniforms.

I think that's probably been difficult as well because my attitude.

I haven't done enough to help myself and make use of those times

effectively with a positive attitude.

Okay, like that's a great point you've made.

Okay, I'm going to jump in the car and I'm going to drive to a nice walk.

Like when you're not feeling good, I think I've probably just

sat in despair a little bit.

If I'm honest, like I probably haven't done enough to truly problem solve

and help myself because I think I've just been caught just overwhelmed,

but then not even problem solving it.

You know how you just get caught.

What would be some strategies that you think most people could do?

I think first it's, like I said, understanding what are your triggers,

probably are the most important things.

So what are the things that are going to tip you over the edge and avoiding them?

Thinking about those things that you really love and making sure you're

putting more of them into your day, generally from a sensory perspective,

proprioceptive input, deep pressure and linear vestibular movement.

Up and down movement or forward and backwards.

So the same plane call them universal modulators.

So generally they're the things that are going to help you feel calm.

Gardening, swimming, walking, running.

If you're feeling more down, you probably need to be going

with that more gentle stuff.

And if you're feeling hyped, you probably need more intensity.

If you are a family that can walk your kids to school, and that's a

really good way of starting your day, then put that into your day.

Just think about what you can put into your everyday routine

that's going to help you.

And that's going to meet the routine.

So try to put it into things that you're already doing it because it's

going to make it a lot easier and it also takes away the mental load

of having to make another decision and have to problem solve it.

Whether it's, journaling it out, whether it's talking to a friend about, just

finding out the things that you love and just trying to put more of that in your

day, that's going to really help you.

But think about when your body feels good, like moving is really important.

Heavy working, like that pushing, pulling carrying things, getting in the garden,

housework even, if it's the vacuuming that is actually what kind of makes you

feel better in your body, do that first.

That's going to make you more regulated, choose your battles

and have an exit strategy.

Doing things with your kids that they want to do, if you feel

like you can know how to get.

out of that.

I am imagining that your tolerance for that light tactile icky touch

is very low and theirs is very high.

Which means that you're probably not wanting to give them lots of.

experiences because that's uncomfortable to you, but they

are going to find it somehow.

If you can have that outside and you're like they're going to come inside.

So I'm going to have a bucket of water and two towels at the door, and

I can just deal with that tomorrow.

If you have got that to stop it all coming into the house, just try to be

a step ahead of it is the rudest thing you can say to an ADHD mom, cause it's

I can never be a step ahead of it.

That's the problem.

That's why we're here.

Trying to think about what's next.

While you're out there.

Don't start anything because they're going to lose interest in a minute,

but just be ready for what comes next.

So try to find ways where you can let your kids meet their sensory

needs in a way that doesn't completely ruin you and yours.

I would absolutely say if you can, see an OT because I work with children and

the one thing that I wish I did more of and that I'm trying to make more time

of, which is why I even reached out to you, is stopping and thinking about what

are the parent's sensory preferences?

Because I can give you a list of all of these things that I'd encourage

you to do to support your child.

But if that is, in complete disharmony with what you would like to do,

You're not going to want to do that.

And you're just going to think, Oh, what's she's giving me, she's

making my life harder, not easier.

And this is supposed to make it easier.

So think about where your preferences and your kids intersect, spend

more time there because you're going to be enjoying that more.

You're going to be

getting those quality connections.

They're not going to be coming looking for you later and trying to, get that

attention and make that connection with you when you're really overloaded.

Put the oxygen mask on first.

Don't think, Oh, you know what I, and this is something that I did as a.

Okay.

So I was like, I'm going to be a good parent, especially when they were younger.

I was overloaded.

I was, very close to burnout and I'm like, but they need sensory

experiences and they need this.

So I have to set up some painting.

And I'm just giving myself more and more jobs because I thought that's

what a good parent looked like.

And actually that's not helpful because then I end up being snappy and then

I feel bad about it and then they're crying and then they need me where

actually I just need them to get off me.

But.

The more you don't want them to do that, the more they're on you.

So just be really sick about what you can offer in that moment.

And if at that time, the kindest thing you can do to everyone is say,

headphones on, we're all having our individual screen time because that's

going to regulate us, then do that.

But also know that they will need to move because they've just had this downtime.

Once you're ready, rather than go, all right, screens off now, we're

going to do something that you hate.

Let's go screens off.

We're already, we're going outside to jump on the trampoline or we're going

outside to swing or we're going outside to have a handstand competition or whatever

it is that is going to pique their interest and use that to support your

transitions because transitions are really challenging with neurodivergent kids.

The transitions that's not even about being there and then it's like leaving.

My hubby said to me the other day, something he had to go somewhere and

I was like, I just need you to help me leave netball or leave soccer.

I was like, you don't even have to watch the game.

Can you just be there between 20 Like you want me to drive 20

minutes to be there for 20 minutes?

I was like, Yes, because otherwise it will take me 90 minutes.

If you could just arrive for the 20 minutes of leaving, that would be great.

Like I'll never make it.

And I love that you're able to identify that is actually the

place where you need the most help.

And asking for help.

And that is really helpful once you realise what it is that you need.

You're like, yeah, why was that such a head fuck.

It was the leaving part that gets me.

This has been so helpful.

I feel like I could just, Go with you for another hour, but we will have

to pull it up there at some point.

We might have to do transitions possibly another time.

I feel like that's a whole nother podcast.

That is a whole nother podcast.

Completely because doesn't everybody talk about the transitions and transitioning

is just, cause I've got one that like wants to leave as soon as we arrive

and one that never wants to leave.

And so as soon as you got differences, like you spoke about

it, it's just a complete mess.

Thank you so much.

There's been lots for me to think about.

And I think biggest take home message for me and probably other people listening

is put yourself first a little more.

Because I think I've been not doing that.

Yeah,

your preferences.

Just get to know what's underneath as well.

Yeah, that's a great point.

And I think we probably don't do that enough.

And anyone listening to this podcast, it's questioning, am I doing it right?

Am I enough?

The mum guilt, I think as soon as you feel mum guilt, that you are doing

a really good job because you're worrying about it enough to listen

to a podcast about how to be better.

The fact that you're, listening and trying so hard and then questioning and then

laying awake at night worrying, that's the sign of a good mother that cares.

But look, thank you so much for your time.

I really appreciated it.

Thanks

for

having me.

The key message here is you are not alone.

Thank you for listening.

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