today, i just talk about having a very healing experience in therapy. enjoy.

anonymous harm reporting: https://forms.gle/H2LNNYaKAfdnxUhy7

contact me: [email protected]

- Hello there.

Bright, but very sensitive

podcast listeners.

I am so excited

to be doing another episode

with you guys today.

I am feeling so good.

A couple of things have happened recently

that have made me feel

just like very light and,

and not light as in lighthearted,

but light as in bright.

I guess to go with the

theme of this podcast,

I just feel radiant in

a really lovely way.

First is I am back on TikTok.

I have not created over there

in over a year and I'm back

and it feels really good.

I mean, my views are all over the place.

Like one video's going viral,

it's got almost 300,000 views.

The next video has like

literally four likes.

So everything's all over

the place over there.

But it's fine. Like it's

not just about the views,

it's about first of all,

how well it's turning

into email subscribers,

which is going really

well, which is awesome.

So if any of you are here

from TikTok, hello, welcome.

But also it's about being able

to express myself again and,

and feeling safe to be myself again.

And that is really, really wonderful.

And speaking of that,

the other thing is that

I had therapy last week

and my therapist did this thing that all

of my therapists do, which

is like, you are so normal.

It's normal to feel

this way, you're normal.

And I lost my shit as soon

as we hung up the call,

I started sobbing at

one point on the call,

I was dissociating really hard

as she was telling me how normal I was.

And I was like, okay, I think,

I think this is the end for me.

Like I cannot take this.

And so after the call, I was

freaking out. I cried a bunch.

I, I don't think I journaled,

like I didn't have the wherewithal,

but I went to go lie down

and I was like, I'm just gonna lay here

and cry until I fall asleep.

And then I was like, you know what?

And I was, I was totally

ready to fire her.

I was like, I can't work with

this person anymore, you know,

whatever, which I've done

countless times before, right?

And this time I was like, you know what,

I'm just gonna tell her

she hurt my feelings.

And that's what I did.

I texted her and I said,

Hey, when you say that I am

so normal, all I hear is

that my problems are not

worth paying attention to.

All I hear is that I need

to just get it together.

That all of this distress I'm feeling.

Either you're not perceiving

it or you don't care

or it's my fault.

Like those are the only options.

And I, I did not appreciate

that this session at all.

And she responded within like an hour

and just so kindly, so kindly.

She was like, you know, as therapists,

that's what they train us to do.

But I agree like that is,

I can totally see how

it would feel that way.

And I'm sorry. And what did she say?

I was like, I, I told

her if this is normal,

I have no interest in

being a person anymore.

And she said, to be fair, I

don't have a lot of interest in,

in being a person either,

but all the giraffe bodies were taken, so,

and so, we chatted a little bit about

what I would be in a different lifetime.

I said I would be a corgi

'cause I wanna be jerky

with no lights on upstairs.

That sounds lovely. And we worked it out.

We repaired, we repaired.

And that is something

I have a serious lack

of in my fundamental

like childhood memories.

There wasn't a lot of repair.

And so this was very good for

like my attachment wounds just

to like do this healing

with this therapist.

And she was really lovely about it.

And something else she said

that brought me a lot of joy

because she, she kind of

flirted with the idea of like,

do I have OSDD, do I not?

And she's like, oh, diagnosis

isn't really the point.

And I, I do understand that.

I do believe me,

but I feel like correct me

if I'm like totally off base

here, but let me know, you can email me.

My email is megan,

M-E-G-A-N at the neuro curiosity club.com.

Let me know. 'cause I feel like

people would never say that

to someone who was significantly

and seriously mentally ill.

They only say the diagnosis doesn't matter

to like high masking, high

achieving pieces of shit like me.

And it's like very frustrating.

And it's like, how much

more sick do I have to be

for you guys to take me seriously?

And yeah, it, it really gets in my head

and it fucks with me.

And I said something to

that effect in my text message to her.

I was like, you know, I

just, I'm really tired of,

of not being taken seriously.

And she, she said basically, you have

what you say you have, you are the primary

source and I trust you.

And I was like, you what?

No one's ever trusted me. My

therapists don't trust me.

I'm an unreliable narrator.

Like you trust me.

What? And that was really,

really powerful.

Like that did some major

rewiring in my brain

and I think, so I texted her.

I was like, all right,

if you trust me then

Hi, my name is Megan.

I am an autistic and a DHD

adult who either has OSDD

or C-P-T-S-D with a lot

of traits of OCD and BPD,

although not enough to diagnose.

Although those traits can still be very

debilitating at times.

And she was like, great

Megan, it's nice to meet you.

And it was so great. It was so great.

Yeah. So I'm just feeling very

good is not the right word, necessarily.

Open, fulfilled. I don't know.

I feel like me, I feel believed,

I feel validated.

I think that's the feeling. I feel valid.

And that is such a fucking

wild experience for my brain

and my heart and my soul.

I've been in therapy

since I was 19 years old.

You guys, I turned 31 in a month.

I've been in therapy almost

constantly that whole time.

I have had a lot of different therapists.

And don't get me wrong, this

therapist is not without her faults.

She is an interesting character.

I tried to tell her

about my sleep paralysis

back when I was in college.

Thankfully I don't have it anymore.

And she was like, oh, are you

sure it's not just ghosts?

So she's a character. We,

we like her very much.

She's very cool, but she's

definitely very kooky,

which I think is a good thing.

I was telling one of my friends about this

and she's like, I like

the kooky therapist.

They're harder to surprise. Which is fair.

Which is super fair.

I just, I'm feeling so seen

and it feels really good.

It feels really good.

And I'm feeling like confident and proud.

I feel proud of myself and

that feels really good.

And I'm trying to remind myself

that this feeling is not going

to last forever without

being like a Debbie Downer

and like forcing myself to feel worse.

Like is there a balance there?

Is that even possible to be like, hey,

this feeling won't last forever,

but that doesn't mean you

can't enjoy it while it's here.

Like, I don't know man, like

balance is not my strong suit

as an Audi DHD person

with major dissociative,

dissociative symptoms, whether

it's OSDD or C-P-T-S-D-I.

So we're a little fuzzy.

We're working it out.

We're working it out together. Me

and my therapist trying to

solve that little puzzle.

But, and I do agree with her

that the label is less important there,

but I, I just, I like that she's like, no,

but you, you have trauma.

And that's really

helpful to me to be like,

okay, the trauma's real.

There's almost definitely

a trauma disorder there.

Which one it is is not super

clear yet and that's fine.

But, but

but buts, I forget what I was saying now.

Sorry, I just, I'm feeling

really good lately.

Oh, that's what I was

saying. I'm feeling good

and not knowing how to prepare

for the eventual bad feelings.

Maybe I don't prepare, maybe I just feel

what I feel when I feel it.

You know, like, oh that

sounds really stressful,

but also sounds like what I'm

probably supposed to be doing.

Yeah, that's really, that's

really all I had to say.

I wanted to update you on how

therapy went and everything.

I'm still fairly certain I have OSDD,

it makes a lot of sense to me.

But C-P-T-S-D could

make a lot of sense too,

you know, at that point.

I don't think it's

splitting hairs necessarily,

but I, I do think as long

as I have a therapist who's

willing to diagnose me

with something that represents

how much my trauma is affecting my life,

that makes me feel really

seen and heard and understood

and that's what I need.

So whatever it is, it's nice

to finally be acknowledging it

and 'cause I feel like I've

been dancing around this

for a long, long time.

Okay, well this was

really lovely to record.

I hope it was helpful

for you to listen to.

And this is just you reminder

that if you've been in therapy

for a long time and it hasn't

been what you wanted it to be,

the right therapist is out there for you.

I've had many of the right

therapists to be honest.

My first therapist was lovely.

She wasn't exactly what I needed,

but she was a very lovely person.

I had a horrible therapist

that I had a horrible breakup

with, but she was the first therapist

to recognize my A DHD and my trauma.

So she was huge for me too.

My last therapist,

I didn't stop seeing her

'cause I didn't like her.

I just stopped seeing her

because dissociation wasn't her

field of expertise, you know,

she was wonderful for dealing

with a lot of other stuff,

but I needed to deal with

this dissociation stuff.

So I saw somebody who

specializes more in that.

This is just your reminder I guess,

that therapists are just people

and you're gonna have human

relationships with those people.

I guess. I don't know about you all,

but I for a very long time

until right now actually kind

of thought that therapists

were just these like magicians

who you talk to them and they fix you.

And I know that sounds very silly

but like I literally think, I thought

that in some deep recess in my brain

and I was like, why are none

of these people fixing me?

God dammit. Turns out they're just

people, they're not magicians.

And also like fixing me is

maybe not the goal of therapy

and not that I don't wanna

feel better, believe me, I do

and I do think that is

a big goal of therapy.

But like they're just people,

my therapists are just people.

I feel like a little kid realizing

that their teacher

doesn't sleep at school.

And literally that's how this

realization feels to me right now.

Anyway, I'm gonna cut this off here

'cause I've been rambling

for a little minute.

But yeah, that's, that's

how I have been recently.

I hope you all have been well

and I'll talk to you next time.