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013 - Voices of Hope: A Mother and Daughter Reflect on Their Eating Disorder Journey (with Alexa Cohen)

Episode 13 • 5th March 2026 • The Other Side Of The Plate • F.E.A.S.T.

Episode 013

Title: Voices of Hope: A Mother and Daughter Reflect on Their Eating Disorder Journey (with Alexa Cohen)

A conversation with Laura Cohen and Alexa Cohen.

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Host:

Welcome to The Other Side of the Plate, brought to you by FEAST—Families Empowered and Supporting Treatment of Eating Disorders… Together we'll share personal insights, connect you with professionals, and point you toward helpful resources. And as we say at FEAST: We're here because we've been there.

NOTE:

The content contained in this podcast is not a substitute

for professional or medical treatment, and it may not represent

the views and beliefs of FEAST. Always consult a medical

professional for medical advice and treatment recommendations.

Laura Cohen:

Hello, welcome to The Other Side of the Plate. I'm one of your hosts, Laura Cohen. I am doing a solo episode without my awesome co-host, Jenni. You all just have me today, but it's not actually a solo episode. I have one of my favorite guests in the whole world because I can say she's one of my favorite people in the whole world.

My daughter. Hi.

Alexa Cohen:

Hi.

Laura Cohen:

This is Alexa, Alexa Cohen. And I'm pretty psyched to have her here. I really want to thank you, Alexa, for giving me the approval and the okay to come on your mom's podcast for FEAST, and for being open to being vulnerable. Because this is not always the easiest stuff to talk about. And knowing that the listeners out there are gonna be hearing your story---and you've been so brave, always have been, ever since we started this journey---really sharing your story to help others. So I just want to give you a big, big thanks from FEAST and from myself and from the podcast. Thank you.

Alexa is zooming in from her own apartment, which is kind of weird. So Alexa is now 22 years old. She was diagnosed when she was 16 and a half. But what we want to talk about today is something that, when I've been in the eating disorder world and also just living through it as a caregiver, one of the biggest things that I hear over and over again is caregivers, parents, so scared to do any type of treatment or set boundaries or set limitations, whatever it may be, because it's gonna ruin the relationship with their kiddo. And I was scared of that. I'm not gonna lie---you're put in a different situation. You're also scared, you don't know what to do, and you're so scared that everything you do is gonna damage that future relationship with your child, which is completely understandable.

And going through it, it wasn't easy. I think Alexa can agree to that. It wasn't easy. But I can tell you now, years later in recovery and even just in the past couple years, that our relationship is probably stronger than ever. Would you agree?

Alexa Cohen:

I would agree.

Laura Cohen:

You would agree. And we like each other and it didn't ruin our relationship. So it's just something that I see over and over again in the forums and the Facebook groups, when I was working with families, that they didn't want to hold those boundaries because they were so scared that it was gonna just ruin the relationship. Because as you have kids that are getting older, they're supposed to be more independent, they're supposed to be by themselves and growing and maturing and all of that, and then you throw an eating disorder in and it just changes that dynamic. So it makes perfect sense why parents and caregivers are scared to shift that. But that is unfortunately what has to happen. So we're gonna go back into Alexa's story.

Let's take it back, Alexa, to: 2020

Alexa Cohen:

Yeah. I think I also didn't know what was going on. I had never really seen anything about eating disorders. I mean, there was one girl at my gym---I did gymnastics, I don't know if we said that---who had an eating disorder, but I didn't really know what it was. It was never really taught in school. So I thought what was going on was just normal teenage stuff.

I don't know if there was a first time, like a moment, where I was like, I think something's going on. I think it was gradual. And I think being in lockdown really made things exponentially worse---I wasn't allowed to be social with other people other than online. We were stuck in the house with the same four people all day, all night.

But online I kind of saw people doing those workout trends and making all these recipes that were quote-unquote healthy. And I was like, oh, this is just normal. This is okay. And I kind of remember towards the beginning of quarantine being like, okay, I'm gonna make quarantine a goal. I'm gonna lose weight. And I didn't think that that was a problem, because in this day and age, everybody wants to lose weight. That's what all the ads, that's what all social media, TikTok is telling us. And I was on my phone 24/7 seeing that content because that's the stuff that I would like, so that's what the algorithm did and it pushed it forward to me. And I didn't have anything else to do, so might as well focus on my diet, focus on my exercise. But I didn't know what an eating disorder was to know that this was wrong.

And I didn't realize until I started therapy and stuff---we'll get into that---that there are two separate things going on in my head. What it sounded like then was just me. That's a lot of where therapy came in, to differentiate the two. Because the voice in my head saying, "keep going" with the exercise, or "just skip this, you'll be fine"---that just sounded like me. I was walking, I was socializing, I was having my personality for the most part, especially at the beginning. I mean, we were all in lockdown.

Laura Cohen:

And lockdown was different. Yeah.

Alexa Cohen:

Nobody was all spunky and excited about it. So I just thought these things were normal and maybe I felt a little down and depressed, but that's just 'cause we were all in quarantine. I don't know if that answered your question, but---

Laura Cohen:

Yeah, I think it's fair to say, if I'm hearing you correctly, you had these voices in your head but they were you, so it didn't seem like anything was wrong. And society around you---which is really no different than today, except for quarantine being a little more so---but now we're talking six years later, and social media is so much more than it was then. So you were on your phone more, but I would say kids are on their phone really just as much now. And you're just being fed that content and that's what everyone else is doing. So it didn't seem any different to you.

And then from my point of view, if we're gonna flip it to both sides---what were we doing in our house? We love food in our house. We were cooking and doing fun things, and every meal Alexa would cry. And I was like, what the heck is going on? Like, why were meals so hard? And to your point, you couldn't hide because it was quarantine. You definitely were emotionally struggling a couple months before that and we just couldn't figure it out. You had had some trauma in your life that year---she had lost a gymnastics coach---and everything was focused towards that. So we didn't realize it was the eating, because you always were kind of a weird eater. Even when you were a young kid, you were always picky. So I remember someone actually brought up the point that they noticed you weren't eating that much, and I was like, "Well, that's just Alexa." It didn't even phase me that there could be something wrong, because you always were kind of a weird picky eater.

Alexa Cohen:

Yeah. And I didn't know that there was something wrong. My mom and other people would just be like, "What? Something's going on and I just can't pinpoint it." And they would ask me what was going on. Obviously back then, I wouldn't say a word in front of literally anybody. But I was genuinely like, I don't know. I didn't know that this was a problem and that this was something that could be fixed---"fixed" in quotes, because not everything's perfect of course---but that there is treatment for this and there's a possibility of not feeling this way.

Laura Cohen:

Yeah. I remember Alexa used to say to me---and I remember this was either after she was diagnosed or maybe even before---she used to say, "There's something wrong with my brain. I just want a brain transplant." And I'd be like, what are you talking about? And I think that was because she was confused about what was going on. She had these weird thoughts and she just wanted it fixed; she didn't understand it.

Quarantine meals, she's crying all the time, we didn't know what was going on. And she and I spent a lot of time sitting on this chair that I'm sitting on right now, talking about things. I would be like, "Lex, what is going on?" And she wasn't hungry and would just say, "I'm not hungry. Food's food. It just doesn't feel good." And I'm going to the doctor, we're trying to figure out what was going on. And I was a dietician in the past, so I'm bringing out all my high-calorie foods, trying to get her to eat them. I was trying everything to get her to eat. I did not know that there was an eating disorder involved.

So then one day she told me. We were crying. She was crying after a meal. What made you finally decide to tell me what was going on?

Alexa Cohen:

I think I just had had enough. I honestly don't remember much about it. I remember we were sitting on this chair, but I don't really remember exactly how the conversation went. I was just so in a state. What did I even say?

Laura Cohen:

Hold on---that's an important thing for parents to hear. She does not remember this very traumatic point.

You said to me, "I'm not eating on purpose." I remember exactly what happened. She was crying and she looked at me and said, "I'm not eating on purpose." And right then, all the dots---well, not all of them, but a lot of them---lined up and I was like, oh. And that started everything, or started the beginning of her recovery rather.

I called the doctor. I called all the things we're supposed to call. And I don't think that made Alexa feel any better---those were really hard times. I think one of our first conversations was, "Do you want to tell other people?" And at first it was no. But within 10 minutes I was like, "I think it may be helpful." Alexa was a pretty serious gymnast---not serious like going-to-the-Olympics serious, but it was her life. She had been doing gymnastics since she was five or six. And we told her gymnastics coach right away because we wanted the support. I didn't want to keep it a secret.

But tell me, how was it at that time, starting to let people know?

Alexa Cohen:

I only really remember telling my gymnastics coach, because it was during quarantine and I remember her texting me a few times just checking in. And she was the best. Having her support from someone that I had known and looked up to for years and years---and especially someone in the sport, because knowing that the eating disorder will and can affect sports---having her on our side and being involved definitely made a difference. Educating her. And I knew she knew about eating disorders because of a previous gymnast, which was also helpful. But educating her and also having her be able to help other gymnasts who will and can struggle in the future. Just having other people who know and are beside you, other than your parents, because that dynamic is always difficult. So just having another human who knows what's going on.

Laura Cohen:

Yeah. I'm a big advocate of letting---if your kiddos are in a sport or something---letting the coach know. And if that coach doesn't understand or can't be in their corner, then that says something too, because you just have to protect them. Her gymnastics coach was great, but there were things I had to educate her about and lines I had to draw, like "Alexa can't do that" or "we can't do this." It was just the way that it had to be.

But we started FBT. Here's my little FEAST shout-out: I had no idea what to do. Even though I was a dietician, I did not know what to do with eating disorders. I went online---because what else do you do when you don't know what to do? We didn't even have chat back then. It would've been so much more helpful. But I came across FEAST really quickly, and that was super helpful because I learned about FBT---Family-Based Treatment. I had never heard of it before. And I remember reading about it, because A, we were in lockdown, so it made sense. I was like, "I don't want her to go to a treatment facility." To me, you have an eating disorder, you get sent away---that's all I knew from the eighties. And I was like, well, I'm not sending her away anywhere right now. So when I heard about family-based treatment, which basically means the caregiver is tasked with refeeding the child---really kind of just takes over all the food, the decisions, watching them eat, really kind of takes them back to being a toddler again---it also kept my kid at home. And I was like, "I can do this. This is what we're gonna do. This makes perfect sense."

So all of a sudden I've got Alexa, who's been feeding herself, she's 16 and a half years old, she's in charge of her food and her life and all of that. And all of a sudden there's me---and our dad, but really me at that point---coming in and saying, "Okay, you need to eat three meals and three snacks a day." This is a kid who didn't eat till two o'clock in the afternoon if that, didn't eat much during the day. And here's mom saying you gotta wake up and have breakfast. I don't care that it's quarantine and everyone's sleeping all day---here's eight o'clock in the morning and mom's showing up at your bed with a big old plate of pancakes and making you eat them with syrup in your bed.

So tell me---do you remember those days?

Alexa Cohen:

Yeah. It was pancakes or French toast like every other day.

Laura Cohen:

So tell me, how did it feel? You're 16 and a half years old, all your friends are doing whatever they want, and now you're being told you have to eat everything on your plate by your mother---when you're absolutely terrified of food and gaining weight. You were terrified to eat?

Alexa Cohen:

Yeah. It was just a sense of I have no autonomy over my life. I was not only terrified but also just pissed off that this is what it had to be. It caused a lot of fighting, which you would expect. A lot of tears, a lot of panic. And it just felt like all I was doing all day was eating---especially because it was during COVID and there was nothing else to do. So it was like when I finished breakfast, and I would be slow because I was scared, 10 minutes later it's snack time. Then it was lunch, then snack, then dinner, then snack. And even if there was an hour or two in between, it was COVID and we weren't doing anything else. So time went by really fast.

Getting used to that schedule took quite some time, which is understandable. But yeah, I was miserable. And looking back, it saved me. There was really no other choice. All of the fighting and all of that panic and fear was worth it. And it was a hell of a lot better than going to treatment during COVID.

Laura Cohen:

You did start, that fall, you went to a program. You weren't making enough progress and we did have to find you a program, which was hard during COVID because there wasn't a lot that was open. But even if it wasn't COVID, you're still eating six times a day. You're fitting it in, and some people---the kids do need to stay home. They need to stay home and eat that much food, or if they can't get it in at school, their parent is coming during lunch and taking them out. You know, all those things. But from what you're saying, it sucked and what were the alternatives? You couldn't do it yourself. Is it fair to say if I would've said, "Alexa, you just have to eat more. Just do it yourself"---what would've happened?

Alexa Cohen:

Zero percent chance that would've happened.

Laura Cohen:

Or if every time we fought, I just gave in?

Alexa Cohen:

Your child is gonna be mad. They're gonna hate you. A hundred percent going to hate you. But it's their eating disorder hating you. It's not them---not their true selves. You saw them as a child. You see them when they're not in those moments. It's not them. And I'm sure that they can see that. And at the end of the day, you're saving their life so they can have a long life and not have this be their whole life.

Laura Cohen:

Yeah. Talk to me about when you first started going to appointments. We went to Children's Hospital, we had all these appointments. I found you a therapist. You may not even remember the first therapist. And you would sit at these appointments---how'd they go?

Alexa Cohen:

Silent. You could hear a pin drop all 50 minutes.

Laura Cohen:

Yep. Just wouldn't talk. And we'd have joint family FBT sessions, and it was so stressful watching Alexa, because she just would not talk, she would not open up. Everything was "fine." She was sitting there---arms crossed, just terrible. We actually, I had found her a therapist that summer because in my mind you get a therapist right away. I found an eating disorder therapist, we were on our way. And the woman was like, "I'm not letting you pay me anymore because your kid's not talking." So she basically fired us.

And then, interestingly, Alexa started with a dietician---only because there was a program in our area that was run by a nutrition practice. Because I was a past dietician, I was like, "I know what to do nutritionally, we don't need that." But it looked like a great program, so we signed Alexa up. And she met her dietician, Melanie. You want to talk a little bit about Melanie, and if you remember that program and how you got kicked out of it?

Alexa Cohen:

Yeah, shout out Melanie. I literally met with her this morning---going on year six strong. She's the best. And yes, she does nutrition and is specialized in eating disorders, but our relationship is more than that. When I was looking for a therapist or dietician I would always say, "I just want someone that's normal"---

Laura Cohen:

Normal with heavy air quotes. Let's be clear. Someone you can relate to. All therapists are normal. Sorry, I think I can politically correct my child right there.

Alexa Cohen:

Yes. Someone I can relate to. Someone who was young. But Melanie was exactly that. She was basically fresh out of grad school and since literally the first few sessions---I'm sure I was dead silent---there was just something about her that I felt safe and felt that I was able to open up to her. And she was the first person I had ever opened up to.

Laura Cohen:

And this was a dietician. This is why I want to be clear: sometimes it's just whatever person it is, as long as your kid feels comfortable with them.

Alexa Cohen:

Yeah. And there was definitely a good period of time where I didn't start meeting with my current therapist until that February. This was like August or September. So I kind of just treated Melanie as my therapist, which probably wasn't supposed to happen, but I trusted her that much. And she saved my life and still is and always will be. She's like a friend to me and she'll always have a special place in my heart. Just having someone that you're able to find who is more than just someone that gives you a meal plan---it was everything.

Laura Cohen:

Yeah. And as I said, it can happen---you can find that. And not everyone's going to find that. But just finding someone you can relate to sounds like it was super important. And one big thing I do want to be clear about is that Melanie was very, very clear to stay in her lane. There were times she'd actually reach out and say, "Okay, this is out of my scope of practice." Alexa was getting into some behaviors that were out of her scope of practice and she knew it. She's like, "We need to get a therapist on board. It can't be me. I can't do this." She's always been very clear about what she would and wouldn't do.

So we finally did find a therapist, and this was like a solid year into treatment. Alexa had probably met with about four or five therapists by then, and she just didn't relate to any of them. You used to say, "I don't like them," and some of them were even names Melanie had given us---"I don't like him, I don't like him, I don't like him." One after another. And then she found a therapist she really connected with, and that was a game changer because we finally had a team.

Just to let you all know---these providers took probably 10 months to find. That doesn't mean she didn't do treatment. We were still refeeding and doing that through everything. It was just finding the right people that took some time. And through this time she was still struggling. She kind of went back to school. There was hybrid and she stalled in her recovery.

Alexa Cohen:

Yep. And I started that program twice---the one she was talking about at my dietician's office. The first time, as she said, I got kicked out because I just wasn't making any progress.

Laura Cohen:

And she was triggering the other patients. I just want to be clear that my daughter was triggering the other patients. I think it's important to tell these parts of recovery, right? Because recovery is so up and down. She was trying, and she just wasn't well enough. She just wasn't in a place yet where she could eat with other girls. There were some meals involved and Alexa just spent the whole time crying, and eventually they said, "She can't be here." So we kind of put together---again, because we weren't ready to send her away---we just amped up a bunch of things. And that went on for a while. And then finally we got to that place where she needed a higher level of care.

Alexa Cohen:

Yeah.

Laura Cohen:

Do you remember? We talked about this a little before---what did it feel like when you finally decided you needed a higher level of care?

Alexa Cohen:

I remember we went on vacation that summer to the Cape, and I think that's kind of when everything started to crumble again. Nothing was ever really great, but I feel like that week, I was like, "Okay, I am using these behaviors more than I have in a very long time." At that point I had a little bit more freedom and was able to eat more things that I wanted. But I was obviously with my family on vacation and I was being really sneaky and doing all the things that you do. And I think after that, talking with both my therapist and my dietician, we kind of just came to the conclusion that I don't want to live like this anymore. I was going into my senior year of high school. I obviously didn't want to miss my senior year. And I didn't want to have to deal with this when I went to college.

College was always very important to me. I grew up going to sleepaway camp and our counselors would always tell us stories about college---it was always this big dream of mine to just go to college and live on my own and have that experience. And at that point, gymnastics was slowly getting taken away again. So we kind of just came to the conclusion that I don't want this anymore and I need real help.

Laura Cohen:

It was a dark time. I remember that vacation and watching and just knowing things were not looking good. There was less food being eaten, more meltdowns---it was just bad. And we were all spinning our wheels, like what are we gonna do? Because one thing Alexa said that was really important was that she had started to get some independence back. And then it started to get wonky again. So that's something I always say to caregivers: just because you give the independence back, sometimes that's a test. And it was a test and it didn't go well. So then it was like, okay, she has some of that independence, but now I think we need to look at a higher level of care.

We flew across the country. I flew out there, we stayed in a hotel, and it was a really dark time. We had to leave our home and we knew this was what Alexa needed, but it felt so bad---horrible for her, horrible for me, horrible for my husband, our whole family. How are we gonna get out of this?

It wound up not being the right fit for her, which was okay. We gave it a very good try. And then as a team we said, no, let's bring her back home and continue at a higher level of care, but closer to home. And I think once Alexa got home from that experience that was not positive, all of a sudden she was eating a hundred percent of her meals. Because that's what happens in a higher level of care---as much as it may suck, there was someone else telling her she had to finish that meal. And Alexa started to realize, okay, this is what needs to happen. And she did it and got home. There were rocky times, but---you tell your perspective, because I'm telling my perspective as a caregiver that it was awful. I hated every minute of it. And unfortunately this really hard time was what we needed to move forward.

Alexa Cohen:

Yeah. In hindsight, flying across the country and doing that---

Laura Cohen:

And missing high school.

Alexa Cohen:

Missing the first half of my senior year of high school scared me to death that I never wanted to do that again. Treatment isn't pretty for anybody. It's not supposed to be pretty. It's not supposed to be fun like Disneyland. It's meant so you don't want to come back and you don't want your life to be like that ever again. And when I came home I kind of realized that this is not what I want for myself. I want to live a life past this. I want to not be in and out of treatment my whole life. I want independence. I want to live on my own. I want kids one day. I just don't want this beast in my head anymore.

And I'm sure you've all heard this, but when I started eating properly and finishing a hundred percent of my meals and snacks---when I was in treatment at home---I was able to function better and start to realize my true values and what I want in life. And that that could be possible. I was able to do my whole high school gymnastics season, which was also a huge motivator. I know not everybody has something like that, but those motivators are really important. Just looking at your future as something that is possible, and thinking of things you've always wanted as a child---going to college, something you always dreamed of---going back to those roots of what you wanted and your values then, because of course your eating disorder can change those values.

Laura Cohen:

A hundred percent. Yeah. Those were some hard months, but as you said, it was so bad that you're like, I'm not going back there. I'm choosing recovery. I'm choosing myself. I'm choosing high school gymnastics. I'm choosing college. I'm choosing all those things. And if I don't really put forth this recovery, that's not gonna happen.

And then she applied to colleges. She didn't think she'd get into any colleges---what was gonna happen with her transcript after she wasn't at school for a whole quarter? But it really propelled her and she actually got into all the schools she applied to. And as a parent---Alexa knew this when we were doing the college planning process---if she didn't have a solid recovery, she wasn't going. She wasn't gonna leave the house. That was talked about openly. It was never skirted around. We let her apply to schools across the country wherever she wanted to go, but if she wasn't in a good place, she wasn't going.

And we used that summer before school as a test. It was the time, as a mom, that felt like I was sending my kid without their training wheels on. All of a sudden I wasn't doing her meals anymore. She had to show us over the summer that she could do it. And we had a contract and everything about what she needed to do to go to school. It was really scary. Do you remember that?

Alexa Cohen:

Yeah, I remember the contract and everything, but---

Laura Cohen:

So interesting that you don't remember all the torture that I had. And I just want to point that out to parents: I'm not even giving details of how awful it was for me as a parent, and she's like, "Yeah, I don't remember that." And I think that's super important, because when things are really really hard---the things that are screamed at you, your kid just completely not being themselves, the awfulness---they really don't remember most of it. I haven't even talked about details with Alexa because I don't think she remembers it. And that's okay. But I think it's important for our listeners who could be in the trenches right now: your kiddos aren't gonna remember this. They may remember you not fighting for them. They may remember getting away with things. But Alexa doesn't remember as much, you know, being mad at me for putting our foot down.

So yeah, she went to college. You wanna talk a little bit about why you chose where you went?

Alexa Cohen:

For years I was always like, "I wanna go far. I wanna go south. Enough of this cold. I'm leaving." So I was going to go to Elon in North Carolina. I was so happy when I got in. I remember I opened it when I was at gymnastics, which was kind of stupid if I hadn't gotten in. But thank God I did.

And then last minute, I was with Melanie and we were like, let's apply to UNH---University of New Hampshire. I had toured it like a year prior and liked it but didn't love it. Then I ended up applying because there were no extra essays. I went back for a second time to check it out because one of my old gymnastics friends went there. And I was like, okay, I actually kind of see myself here. And at that point I was more mentally stable when I was touring it, so I could actually understand what was going on and know that this is actually a possibility of me going to college. I got in and made the decision that I wanted to be close to home---not just because of my eating disorder, just because I would miss my family. My sister stayed close, and I'd miss the dogs too much. And as much as I wanted warmth, I can always go south when I'm older.

Laura Cohen:

Your recovery did help make that decision, though.

Alexa Cohen:

Really? I don't remember.

Laura Cohen:

See, she doesn't remember, folks. I think there was definitely that piece of---I know Alexa knew---that it was gonna be important to be closer to home, closer to her team who were really helping her. She was in a pretty good place of recovery, but things weren't perfect. She was definitely stable enough to go to college with a very tight college contract, but if she would've gone a couple states away it would've been harder. And I think Alexa knew she wasn't ready for that, and that was okay. There wasn't anything wrong with that.

Because college is really hard. That's a whole other episode we can get into, but going to college brought out a whole bunch of other things you have to get through in recovery. College, even without any eating disorder, is hard. You throw an eating disorder in and it's really, really hard. It took Alexa a while to get traction there.

But I'm gonna be the proud mom right now, and I think this is also going to get us a little bit to our next topic. Alexa went to the University of New Hampshire and wound up graduating in three years, which I still don't understand how she did.

Alexa Cohen:

Me neither.

Laura Cohen:

And she decided to get a degree in psychology. This is the kiddo that wouldn't go to therapy because she hated it so much, and then all of a sudden this is what she wanted to do---which you do hear a lot in recovery. She had gotten some internships when she was in school. You can talk about it.

Alexa Cohen:

I was an eating concerns mentor and a mental health intern on campus. And I absolutely loved those internships. I did the eating concerns one for two years and the mental health one for one year. I got to work with the campus dietician and with someone in health and wellness, and just fell in love with it---fell in love with the work, fell in love with talking to people about it, which is crazy.

And then my second year of school I ended up running the state's first NEDA walk---National Eating Disorders Association walk. That is really when I was like, okay, this is what I want to do. I want to be able to help people and have them know that this is possible and that I got to the other side and so can they.

I graduated last May and now I'm working in a higher level of care, inpatient, for eating disorders. And I think it's only propelled my recovery. I think some people could walk in and be really triggered, but it only made me realize how much I never want to go back to that state of my life and how lucky I am to be someone who got past it. I know some people aren't comfortable telling patients about their story, which I totally understand. But when I'm comfortable enough with a patient, I'll tell them---very few details---that I've been there. I have an NEDA tattoo, and sometimes when I'm wearing a short sleeve they'll see it. And I've gotten notes from patients saying, "I saw your tattoo and I knew I was in good hands." If I would've had someone tell me back then that they'd been through it and made it, I think that would've been something really special.

I love the patients more than anything. Most days, they're the highlight of my day, my weeks, my months. Seeing their progress and being with them in their hard moments, and then them saying, "You saved me"---it's beautiful. It's a temporary job. I plan to do outpatient and I'm going back to school next year for my LMHC---

Laura Cohen:

Licensed mental health counselor, for those who don't know what that is.

Alexa Cohen:

So I'm very excited and can't wait to continue working with this population and being open about my story with patients. I think that's so valuable, and I'm so happy that it's becoming more of a thing, because I know it would've really been beneficial when I was in it.

Laura Cohen:

Yeah. So one thing I really wanted to talk about today was: is this gonna ruin the relationship? Going into treatment, putting those boundaries in, sending your kid to a higher level of care---all those things. You've been in an interesting position because you've been to a higher level of care and been through this, and now you're on the other side working at a higher level of care. You don't meet with the parents per se---you'll see them visit and whatnot---but what advice can you give our listeners whose kids may be in a higher level of care or in treatment?

Alexa Cohen:

You would've never caught me saying any of this when I was in treatment---throwing that out there. But being on the other side has put a lot of things in perspective.

Set some firm boundaries. Their treatment team, hopefully, knows what they're doing. For the most part they do---they've been doing this for years and that's why they're hired. Try to find moments where you see your kid as your kid, like how they were when they were a child, because those moments will be there. Take everything your kid says about their eating disorder---trying to get away with stuff---with a grain of salt.

Laura Cohen:

Because even the most honest kids lie during eating disorder recovery.

Alexa Cohen:

Totally. Follow your gut. If your child seems really, really unhappy and things aren't progressing the way you think they should be, or the team isn't communicating or you just feel off about it---be open and honest about that with your child and with the team. Not every treatment place is going to be the place for everybody. There are many places you can try.

Treatment facilities follow a lot of rules. Your child will have to follow a lot of rules, which I think is good for a lot of people, but I also think sometimes those rules can not benefit others. That's why there are many different places. Some of those rules---like the phone use, going on passes, being able to go outside---I think not being on your phone when you're in this level of care is actually a good idea. I would not have said this years ago, but from this side of it, I think it is. The phone is just such a trigger. Regardless of whether your child says it's not, it is. The second they like something that's triggering them, that stuff's just gonna pop up again and again because that's how algorithms work.

My biggest take is just really go with your gut. Because a lot of these places are big corporations that generalize a lot of things. Go with your gut, trust your gut, be open and honest with everyone---with your kid, with your team.

Laura Cohen:

And there's a difference between your gut and your fear. Fear---false evidence appearing real---is very different than your gut. So check your gut. Ask yourself: is this just me being really anxious, or does something really feel off?

And sometimes it does feel off. As I said, we switched treatment when Alexa was away. It took me a couple of weeks to really nail down that this was not the right thing for her. Then we switched. But you have to make sure that your gut is not just about you being uncomfortable---because you're going to be uncomfortable. Your kid is going to call and cry and tell you that this is the worst place in the world and that the only way they're ever gonna recover is if you take them home. And they often need that time. Would you agree with that, working on the other side?

Alexa Cohen:

Yeah. Give it a fair shot---and not pulling them the first week, because nope, that's their eating disorder. They're going into a place where everybody is trying to push that ED away, doing everything opposite of what their brain is telling them. At that point it's probably very hard to see that there can be a separation between the two. So that just feels like it's them. Their brain is yelling at them all day and all night long, and everybody is telling them, "Well, you gotta do that or you can't go outside, you can't get your tech," blah blah blah. So give it some time.

Laura Cohen:

It's definitely hard. All right, I've got a good question for you.

Alexa Cohen:

Okay.

Laura Cohen:

We're gonna end on this. You ready? What advice would you give your 13-year-old self right now?

Alexa Cohen:

I would tell her that it feels like this is your whole life right now and it feels like this is it, but there's so much more to life than what you're living right now. Adulthood and freedom is such a beautiful thing that you can have if you work for it and do the things that you need to do. Everybody says your childhood, your teenage years are the best years of your life; college is the best years of your life. But honestly, I have enjoyed this year the most---freedom, being on my own, doing what I like, having the things in my room that I want in my room---more than any of my years of life. Besides probably childhood, which is pretty great. But just being open to the idea that there's more than just this, and there's something to look forward to, and that it's possible to have a future that you always dreamed of.

Laura Cohen:

And lastly, what advice would you give the caregivers, the parents out there listening who are so worried about damaging that relationship with their kid in treatment?

Alexa Cohen:

I would say, in hindsight, it only strengthened our relationship. I think now we can be the most honest with each other that we ever have been. And I think having other supports, other than just caregivers, is also very important---to set those boundaries so that it's not all on you.

But it gets better and you're saving their life. You want to see your child happy---that's all you want. And what you're doing is going to make that happen. By doing nothing, they're just gonna stay like this. And sometimes, oftentimes, it's really important to put your foot down. I would've never said this years ago, but it has to be done. If you want any future for your child, if they want any future where they're able to have any sort of freedom, then you have to do these hard things and put your foot down and go against what they're saying---which is really their eating disorder saying. And know that there's another side to your child that will come back if you keep up this good work.

Laura Cohen:

Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing so vulnerably with us at The Other Side of the Plate. I was so excited to have you on. So proud of you.

Recovery is possible. Relationships do get stronger through the hard stuff. I would've never guessed this, during those years, that our relationship would be as strong as it is. And don't get me wrong, it was a lot of work. A lot of crying, a lot of hard conversations, a lot of realities for both of us, a lot of talking, a lot of therapy for both of us. And that's something I would say to caregivers too: make sure you have your own person to talk to as well. But it can happen. Do the hard thing to get to the good place, because it's worth it.

Alexa Cohen:

Yep.

Laura Cohen:

Thank you, sweetie. Thanks for coming on.

Alexa Cohen:

Of course.

Laura Cohen:

Bye, guys.

Outro:

Thank you for joining us at the Other side of the Plate. If today's episode gave you hope or guidance, we invite you to explore more resources and peer support@feast-ed.org. Remember, you are never alone. For more conversations of hope and help for families facing eating disorders, please join us for our next episode.