“Ignorance is bliss And yet I know in this particular area being unaware, is not necessarily bliss because that shit’s gonna come home to roost at some point.”- Adam Lamb

Exploring Self-Awareness and Authenticity in Masculinity

In this episode of the Dude Nation podcast, hosts Ben and I discuss the transformative power of self-awareness and authenticity in reshaping healthy masculinity.

We emphasize the crucial role of introspection for men to comprehend their emotions, establish boundaries, and retain personal empowerment within relationships.

The Dude Nation podcast serves as a platform to challenge conventional norms of manhood, advocate for vulnerability and empathy, and provide a nurturing environment for individual evolution.

Join the Nation and step into the circle.

Our conversation underscores the significance of self-awareness in fostering meaningful relationships, spotlighting the impact of past triggers and coping mechanisms on behavior.

By examining personal history for recurring patterns, individuals can uncover tendencies like seeking extramarital affairs during periods of low self-esteem. Embracing self-awareness and identifying triggers are pivotal steps toward personal growth and fostering healthier connections.

Reflecting on poignant interactions with family and intimate partners, we discuss how self-perception profoundly influences self-esteem. It champions the practices of self-compassion, self-awareness, establishing morning routines, and participating in men’s circles as integral components of personal development.

Ben shares his personal journey towards self-awareness, stressing the necessity of consistent effort and interrupting detrimental behavioral patterns.

We get into strategies for cultivating self-awareness, including tuning into one’s intuition, embracing vulnerability, and integrating meditation into daily routines.

Techniques for managing negative self-talk, valuing constructive criticism, and remaining receptive to feedback for personal enhancement are discussed.

Ben encourages you to shift shifts in perspective, envision positive outcomes, and commit to incremental progress in emotional intelligence and empathy, which are advocated for sustained personal advancement.

We also discuss authentic masculinity's essence within the Dude Nation Manifesto.

We urge you to seek support, engage with a community, and participate in discussions to embark on a journey of self-awareness and personal development.

We invite you to redefine masculinity paradigms and champion healthy behaviors among men, fostering a culture of growth and authenticity within the male community.

For more information, check out The Dude Nation.

Right, Adam. And today we're diving deep into a topic close to

our hearts, the power of self awareness, discovering your authentic self.

Oh, yeah, Ben.

It's time to wear our introspection hats and explore what makes us tick.

Maybe you've asked yourself questions like, how can I become more

self aware and understand myself better?

What are the benefits of self awareness?

How does it improve my life?

And what are some practical exercises or techniques for developing self awareness?

Those are great questions.

And from peeling back the layers of our personalities to embracing

our quirks and imperfections, We are here to guide you on a path to authenticity.

Let's feel back the curtain and uncover the true essence of who we are.

It's time to own our uniqueness, dude.

Welcome to the Dude Nation podcast, where we explore the journey

of reclaiming healthy masculinity in today's world.

My name is Adam Lamb, and I'm here with my co host Ben Curtis.

And we challenge traditional notions of manhood, and we want to

inspire you to embrace authenticity, vulnerability, and empathy.

We offer a perspective in a society where masculinity stereotypes

often overshadow men's diverse experiences.

We explore emotional intelligence, mental health, relationships,

and self discovery.

Whether seeking guidance on your journey towards self improvement

or simply curious about what it means to be a modern man, the

Dude Nation podcast provides a safe space for exploration and growth.

Let's reclaim healthy masculinity together.

So Ben probably need to start off by defining, like, what is self awareness?

How would you what would that what does it mean to you?

Self awareness to me, it's pretty on the nose self aware.

I feel like men are often trained, especially myself and speak

for myself, but I see the conditioning of us to be aware of others

hypervigilant at all times because we need to be the caretaker, the provider.

However, I find not all of us men always have the awareness of

what actually is going on with us, not just outside.

I think we're pretty aware of outside.

We're evolved beings and we know how to survive these days.

But do we know how to thrive?

And while we often look at outside as a lot of fear, awareness

of what to fight off, what to protect from.

I don't always find that we look at how can we become aware of

all of the support we have around us.

And then also the awareness self inside of what we're actually

feeling and what we actually need.

I think it's that's a great place to start even just naming feelings.

And can you identify how you're actually feeling and what your

needs are, especially around healthy boundaries is a great place

where I started with self awareness.

What do I actually need and what in a I used to always leave that

up to person B the other person in the relationship to find that

because I'm just all in for anything.

But that will be giving your way.

Yes. What do you want me to do?

Let's go over here. What? Yeah.

You want me to be,

oh, I did bad.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll kind of whimper in the corner.

It gave away all my power and then forced my partners in this

case, women into space of needing to become hyper masculine to

take up that space that I wasn't.

And then our there we are back in a neutral relationship.

It's not working.

Adam, what do you I'm I'm already going pretty deep here, but

let's keep it on the service level or as deep as you wanna go.

Like, what is self awareness to you?

Yeah, I think probably it's probably easier to define for me what

self awareness is not And I'm reminded of that, old adage, ignorance

is bliss And yet I know in this particular area being unaware,

is not necessarily bliss because that shit's gonna come home to

roost at some point. Right?

It's all gonna come crashing down.

At least it did for me.

And I've been married and divorced several times.

And in my present relationship with my wife, Jennifer, she and

I would be in conversation, and I would get, like, really triggered.

And I wasn't really sure what, like, what was triggering me in

the particular conversation.

And very often it wasn't necessarily what was being said, but

it somehow in my brain linked up to something that maybe my mother

said or the way that I interpreted the way my mother.

Maybe she's a wonderful woman, but she's not necessarily very maternal.

I think she'd be the 1st person to say she's a little self obsessed

and But and again, that's not a bad thing But if you don't understand

where your reactions are coming from, that's probably a great

indication of wanting to take a moment to embrace self awareness

such that I had to be willing to go on the journey of finding

out where these triggers came from because the relationship was

teetering at that point. Right.

And I had acted out in several other relationships.

It took me going through this exercise I did with a resume where

I basically, kept the dates and the places that I worked and then

deleted the paragraphs.

And in those paragraphs, I, I put like, what type of life events happened.

I like reporting it like, a reporter, like if I'm a very neutral position.

And then I would write what I made up about life and love based

upon that experience.

When relationships started, when they ended, did I lose people?

When I finished that exercise and I actually looked back down

on the paper, it was instantly evident to me that one of my coping

mechanisms in my life had been when things were going tough at

work or I wasn't feeling valued or I had some issue with self

esteem, I immediately pivoted to Chase skirt.

There had to be a conquest for me because that's the one thing

I knew how to do well.

And so in those moments when I was feeling shitty about myself,

I would often opt to have these extracurricular affairs just so

I could prop myself up emotionally.

And I didn't even know that was happening until I took that moment

to go on this exercise, which if anybody wants some more information,

they can definitely go reach out to Ben and I at the podcast and

I'll be more than happy to send that format to you because I think

it's a great place to start because honestly, sometimes we don't

know where the shit is coming from and it could be an old relationship

that's still there.

It could be something our dad said or our mom said or something

a teacher said.

And very often talk to my mother about this about that thing she

said at me, like that one time.

And she's not like very often.

My parents had no inkling that what they said in that particular

moment actually meant anything to me because it's very often not

what's being said, but it's the story that I make about it.

So it's from an interesting perspective, be able to kick back

and go I'm pretty sure that that's not what they meant in the

moment, but that is certainly what I made up about it.

And that story I cling to for a long time in my life until I was

actually aware of the story And then once I was made aware of

the story I can create another story to shift all it it.

That makes sense?

It makes perfect sense. Yeah. Yeah.

Because in the same way, it showed up in relationships for me

that I was talking about as well.

I, I identify with some of that, not necessarily the details,

the general aspects of how we prop ourselves up.

I got a lot of affirmation from fame and from the entertainment

world that I didn't get from my relationships often.

And I don't think we should get everything from every relationship,

but I had zeroed a little self esteem or love for myself, Despite

believing in my talents, I couldn't hold money.

I couldn't hold a relationship for too long.

And what I was seeing and what you're just sharing there is my

ex used to speak to me in a voice, not in the way that my mother

spoke, but in the way I spoke to myself, the nastiest ways I spoke

to myself would sometimes as they come out in relationships would

come out of her mouth.

And it was way too much to handle because it sounded way too much.

Like how I already spoke to myself.

You are to this or to that too sensitive to feminine.

All those things that I didn't actually realize were superpowers.

And, but I judged myself and I managed to attract people who were

while they were attracted to them also judged me for it as well.

Or I felt that way.

That's what I made up about that.

So then the other thing is, you know, I spent a lot of time developing

myself as a coach and I was doing all these landmark trainings

programs and one of and one of their main core principles is integrity.

And I was teaching and talking about integrity, and then I went

home and drank.

Actually, I was dog sitting for someone else who was out of the

country, and I drink half a bottle of their best whatever alcohol

they had that night.

And I realized somewhere deep in that bottle or the next morning

that how I was treating myself didn't have integrity.

I could have integrity everywhere else out in the world, but this

is the first time.

This was in my late twenties.

I didn't put down alcohol till I was 30 and that took a village, massive village.

But the way I treated myself and still to this day, that's the

work each morning to develop, to keep the kindness practices,

because other, I can't show up for anyone else if I am in the,

I like to call the itty bitty shitty committee.

At that that in your

head And

so when I get when I do the work to sit with my feelings, develop

some self awareness, it doesn't matter if I feel them or not,

but having a morning practice is one of those ways I practice

as well as a men's circle.

And that's why I developed this organization.

It keeps me accountable to be aware and then go up and show up

with other men.

And, and just by being with you today, it's already developing

more awareness for me because I see, you know, when men open their

mouths and hearts, what happens is we see each other, we see ourselves.

And so the more we start to even share the places where we're not aware.

Thank you, Adam, for sharing all those spaces in your life where

you weren't aware and weren't able to be aligned with a partnership

or with yourself, what you really wanted and needed.

That's the first step is just developing a practice of at least

sitting, practicing, listening, for what our heart really wants or needs.

We train our brains a lot, but I think listening to our heart

is a power of self awareness that I also want to talk about because

our heart has an electromagnetic field 10,000 times greater than our brain.

And yet we don't study it enough.

So thank you for bringing that awareness to me today.

What are some practices in your life that you use to practice self awareness?

Obviously you're in this men's organization as well, and we have

a weekly call, but anything else that I didn't mention that's

part of your practice?

Yeah, There's, I think for me, it boils down to one particular

concept with which is a pattern interrupt.

I've spent most of my life as a chef, in professional restaurants

and hotels and and resorts and things of that sort.

And there's a certain way of being that chefs step into when they

put on that apron and they put on their clogs.

And it's a little dictatorial.

You feel the pressure of the organization and the mission and

you're doing everything in your power to create a great outcome,

not only for the guests, but also for your staff.

But it can be a little abrupt Because you're cut you get used

to not giving orders but giving direction in a certain way At

least I did And I would come home

And you have to be very direct. Right? Yeah. Very direct. Exactly.

And interrupt whatever's happening.

Like, that needs to be heard in that moment.

Exactly. But what I was doing is I was just coming home and then

and then it took a couple weeks, and then my wife looked at me

one day, and she says, I don't work for you.

And I'm, like, what are you talking about?

She said, you're in chef mode.

And I'm, like see, I wasn't being self aware enough in the even

doesn't matter how long you've been doing this work, or if you're

just starting the work, It very often comes back down to the same

couple principles And I love the I love the adage of as a as an

apprentice, I chop wood and I carried water as a master, I chop

wood and I carried water because even in the most complex times,

there are those things that you, that I can do just like metaphor

of a chop of wooden, carrying water to get me over a particular,

I don't know, emotional thing.

Maybe I'm depressed.

Maybe I'm backed up.

Maybe I'm angry.

And then I come back to, okay, what is there to do?

To get back to my point with Jennifer it's I had to create, an

opportunity for me to have a pattern interrupt.

So my pattern was I was in chef mode and then I would come home

And even though that pattern interrupt might be 20 minutes in

the car, I'm listening to music or listening to a podcast or whatever

Maybe you're listening this to this podcast on the way home from your work.

And before I, NPR talks about these driveway moments, right?

You're listening to a show and it's so powerful that you shut

off the car and you continue to sit in the car because you wanna

get to the end of the program and find out what happened.

I would pull in my driveway.

I would stop and I would shut the car off and I would sit there

for about 5 minutes until whenever I was feeling in that moment, just dissipated.

Looking at how I was feeling.

Was I angry?

Was I agitated?

Was I still in that kind of dictatorial chef mode?

It wasn't so much like that, that was wrong.

It was just, I don't want anyone else to suffer because I'm being

completely clueless in that moment.

So that means I gotta take a step back, sit for 5 minutes, just be quiet.

See what's there without having to do anything with it.

I don't need to wrestle a problem to the ground I don't need to

kick myself in the ass because I'm feeling depressed or anything

Just be aware of what's there so that when I can actually step

through that door, more back into my heart than I am in my head.

So very often, while we're getting ready to have a conversation,

we're trying to think about what there is to say in such a way

that we end up getting what we want, as opposed to just being

present to what there is to say, even though you might necessarily

have the right words, but just to take a moment and say, listen,

don't really know what I'm feeling right now, but I'm a little

anxious and don't nest don't wanna barf barf all over you with

word salad, but just, could probably use a little bit of silence

right now, so I'll just go in my office for minutes or whatever.

It gives me a chance to ask for what I need.

So that pattern interrupt for me is, I think, really important.

And you speak to meditation.

Meditation is a great pattern interrupt because you're actually

starting your day with the pattern that you want, which is I think

a lot of people have this misconception about meditation.

Like you're going somewhere or you're doing something when in

fact it could just be sitting in silence, man, and just noticing what's there.

And again, not assigning any type of meaning or interpretation

or responsibility to that, just to notice what's there because

once it's noticed, you talk about the 80 bd shitty committee.

I call my ego Sluggo. Right?

And sometimes Sluggo's talking mad shit to me.

And sometimes I just have to tell them, take a minute and say,

thank you for caring.

Fuck you for sharing.

I got this.

You're very well practiced way of being your story about trying

to keep me safe.

I appreciate that dude, but I'm no longer in the cave.

I'm not gonna chase by a saber tooth tiger.

I got this.

And thank you very much because that voice in your head is never

gonna go away.

So the question is like, how do I notice it?

Not make it wrong.

And a dear friend of mine, Jeanie Sellers, said, just agree with it.

And I'm like, what are you talking about?

So Sluggo would say, you're full of shit.

You shouldn't try this because you'll fail.

He's just trying to keep me safe.

He doesn't want me to be embarrassed or whatever or feel any type

of emotional hurt.

So I would go, you know what, Sluggo? You're right.

I'm full of shit.

And then all of a sudden the voice just goes, that

also works with people who have bipolar. Sorry.

That also works with people who have borderline personality disorder.

So if anyone really does rather than trying to be defensive or

work your way around it, you just agree with them because then

there's nothing to work.

Struggles happen when 2 people are tangoing.

Yeah. And and I appreciate a certain amount of contrast and conflict

because I think in those type of moments, there's always, a much

better outcome than either I or the other person would thought of.

It's what's great about getting into a great conversation, but

not being so committed to your position that you won't necessarily

listen and consider what they're saying.

But yeah, there are some days where I don't want any conflict or contrast.

I just want it to go smooth. Yeah.

And that's usually when that shit sneaks up and bites me in the ass. So anyway,

We're saying sitting as well.

I think it's great to talk and pattern interrupts.

We have you mentioned this isn't like a practice that you just

do 1 and done. Right?

This is in fact, any of us men.

Chances are none of us were taught any of this growing up, and

we have how many decades doing something differently or the same way.

So also some compassion here for ourself, on this process.

One of the things when my wife so lovingly or not brings gently

or not brings up something that I need to hear a reflection, oftentimes

I just say, oh, wow.

Thank you so much for helping bring that to my awareness.

And I and actually, now that you say it, I noticed it too.

Going forward, hopefully I'll be able to change that because I

do appreciate, I do want to work on this and I do want you to

have the experience of being able to hear me or whatever it is.

And, but also important not to give that responsibility to our

partners to hold us accountable for that.

And I think that's, I was just talking to someone about this account

accountability buddy, a trusted listener.

That's what I find beautiful about the men's circle is it may

not even have to be someone as well.

Sometimes it can be helpful if you someone you don't know as well. Sure.

But a safe and sacred space, whatever that hat is with you, with

God, with nature.

But I really find it helps to have another human being to reflect

that with, to hold that into that you can leave things with.

And my partner and I had a beautiful conversation the other day

about the importance of needing to have that I needed.

I'm realizing I'm developing the awareness that I need safe spaces

to be able to talk about intimacy and sex and my experience so

that I can show up and be the best partner.

And then I actually do need to process these things out loud with

other, humans that look and feel like me and have the same amounts

of testosterone and also have this appendage between their legs

that they have to deal with on a daily basis.

Actually, there's 3 appendages. Cool.

Yeah. Yeah. Old. Yeah.

And it's like a it's like a record.

We have this deep worn groove that we've been playing for decades.

And so to pick the needle up and try to listen a little differently

or practice sitting for a little bit and a meditation could be

going on a walk.

And then the one other thing I wanted to put in was visualization

that you said can actually create how you want to feel that it

helps to sit or sometimes for me to walk to really start to visualize,

like, turn my brain on, but it's a great time to practice doing that.

How would you want to feel today?

How do you want your day to go?

Because we had spent plenty of time worried about all the worst case scenarios.

And if our thoughts create our words, create our world, then we

practice thinking about how we want it to go, then we actually

have a 100% more likely chance of it actually happening that way.

Yeah. Hugh Jackman has a practice.

The guy that played Wolverine is a practice where before a meeting

or particular event, he actually has a gets into a dialogue with

himself internally and basically describes how that situation

is gonna end up being.

I walked into this situation.

I knew what there was to say.

I didn't feel rushed or nervous.

And so my wife and I have been calling that a future projection,

and it could be right before getting on a phone call.

I I don't know about you, but there was a time in my life where

if the phone ring, I thought it was always bad news. Right? I still

experience that sometimes. Yeah.

I still have the response, nervous system response.

Yeah. So, how do I look at a phone?

How do I look at my cell phone going off in an unrecognized number

and get myself grounded in such a bit in such a way that no matter

what happens, I'll be unflappable and be cool and calm under pressure.

And I wish I had, I was, I had done that before I called our solar

repair company, because they put me through a loop for about an

hour and a half.

And I was so pissed by the end of it.

I couldn't even articulate because they'd bounced me from them,

one company to another.

And I basically had to say, you guys know that I don't care about

who's scheduled to do what.

I'm the customer, and my expectation is that this problem is gonna get solved.

So, can you solve this problem?

Because I'm like sick and tired of trying to be like, I'll be

my best I'll be my best own advocate. Shit, man.

Don't put me through the ringer such that I feel stupid that I'm

even calling you guys to begin with because I can do almost everything

with this system except for this one fault that happens in the

PVC shutout and then someone's got to come on and do a physical

thing as like, anyway

I don't I don't have a I don't know Anything about this?

I lived in New York. I know.

While I coach solar companies, none of them are that. And,

Well, exactly. And it's not necessarily the detail, although sometimes

a story can connect me with what, what I'm actually trying to

talk about, but

try to talk about

what I just wanted.

I wanted to say that this idea of being self aware or being willing

to be self aware, I think is one of the most pivotal decisions

a person can make in their journey of self discovery.

And it all down to this one idea that I embrace, which is I wanna

try to be 1% better than I was yesterday.

Meaning that I wanna be 1%, smart.

I wanna be 1% more empathetic.

I wanna be 1% because when I talk about making big changes in

my life, very often that has me closed down like, oh shit, man.

That seems to be too tough.

That's too far to walk.

That's too big of a hill to climb.

But if I'm talking about 1%, then it means that I can actually

do one thing today.

That's actually gonna end up being creating a better life for me tomorrow.

And I think all of us can can agree that we'd like our lives to

be a little bit better You know, whenever in whatever way that's

possible The thing is that to own it and say that I'm the I am

at cause for my life.

I can actually do this.

I don't have to wait for someone else to do it, like my partner

or my boss or the government, like giving our power away to all

those other entities really denies us the personal leadership

that we need in order to not only create a great life, but also

to be the leader that people in our lives are looking for.

The feminine if there's a lack of leadership, the feminine's gonna

step in every single time.

So if there's and I'm not talking about situational leadership

where my wife likes to pay the bills and I like to mow the lawn

like, those that's completely that's more balance in the relationship.

I'm talking about giving my power away and waiting for someone

else to fix it when really the only person with the power to change anything.

So. Amen to that.

I really appreciate that.

And a tool that I found to turn around my day and immediately,

and I I just posted about this on our Instagram was I say, dude,

how's your day going?

And, this lady the other day said it was, she was like, oh, it'd

be a lot better if when my day is over.

And I said, gosh.

And I said she was like, how's yours?

And I said, I'm really grateful to be alive and to be here.

And she said, wow, I wish more people thought like you.

And I said, I didn't wake up this way.

But actually, if you knew how you're doing, has me feeling a lot better.

And then I've seen this woman at the grocery store, this manager

for, 3 years now.

For the first time ever, would you know that I finally looked

at her name or asked her name?

I never do that.

And her name's Grace, which is my favorite name.

I wanted to name our unborn child Grace.

I used to fight with my wife about,

it's gotta be Grace.

And I said, well

what I need in my life right now is grace.

Yes, exactly. For 3 years, I said, wow, this is the first time

I've looked at your name tag. I'm sorry.

That is my favorite name.

And it's nice to actually know yours.

And she was like, wow, thank you.

And I was so lit up after that and I had been sick all day and

felt horrible and depressed and useless, when it can be with that,

like being of service.

That's why I wanna say, if you wanna start to develop some accountability

to turn this stuff around, there's nothing like being in a men's group.

I just keep looking at the examples and it's all accountability.

It's all men in my life who constantly will share self awareness,

who will tell me if I'm being an asshole, who will tell me if

I'm being selfish, and who will tell me how beautiful I am and

how much love and wisdom I have. Yeah.

I don't get that acknowledgement the way I would like always from

my partner and nor for myself.

And I can't always even hear from other people, but I can count

on them to be that until I can soak in it.

We'll love you until you learn to love yourself.

Again, we wanna thank you for listening and giving us an opportunity

to talk about these really important aspects of what we're starting

to call the Dude Nation Manifesto.

It's Kind of this creed that we're developing, that we're gonna

start embracing more, of some of these ideas.

And of course, self awareness is at the very top of that, because

without that, everything else, doesn't happen.

If you're starting to go on your journey of self awareness, we welcome you.

If you're well on your way to self awareness, welcome too, brother. Matt.

Please visit us on Instagram.

We love to interact there and get your get conversation started

and answer your questions about what are the topics that you most

wanna listen to?

What's going on in your life that we can perhaps assist you with?

And the dude nation is here for a very specific reason, and that

is to empower men to embrace their authentic and healthy masculinity

And that's not always easy out there So if you're doing it alone,

stop Can't do it alone.

It takes a community, and we want to welcome you into the Dude Nation community.

Ben, any last words?

Yes. Welcome dudes.

And please come join our community on school.

That is where we are thriving.

That's where our calendars are.

And we have calls and spaces and classes and circles to wrap around

you in every area of your life, whether you're a young dude or

an old retired dude or somewhere in between, even though single

fathers out there, we got your back.

So however you are today is perfect.

And just like Adam said, don't if you're doing it alone, stop it.

Can join us.

Stop doing that.

And share this with someone who needs to hear it today because

the more you raise your voice and the more you share the things

that matter to you, the more you amplify this message out in the world.

That's it for this episode of the Dude Nation podcast.

Be part of the movement to redefine what it means to be a man

in today's world.

Let's reclaim healthy masculinity together.

And until next

week.