Jennifer Takagi:
00:00:02
Welcome to Destin for success. I'm your
Jennifer Takagi:
00:00:04
host, Jennifer Takagi, and today we're talking about a very
Jennifer Takagi:
00:00:08
important topic, and that is adults who are living with
Jennifer Takagi:
00:00:12
recovering from the trauma of growing up as children in
Jennifer Takagi:
00:00:17
households with alcoholics. And to speak to this today we have
Jennifer Takagi:
00:00:22
Tammy Vincent. Tammy, welcome to the show. Thank you for being
Jennifer Takagi:
00:00:25
here.
Tammy Vincent:
00:00:26
Thank you so much for having me. Jennifer,
Tammy Vincent:
00:00:28
appreciate it. How
Jennifer Takagi:
00:00:30
did you get into this? Like, what was your
Jennifer Takagi:
00:00:32
journey? What's your back story? How did you get into this very
Jennifer Takagi:
00:00:36
important
Tammy Vincent:
00:00:37
field? So I'll make it quick, even though it
Tammy Vincent:
00:00:40
was a long journey, both of my parents were alcoholics, so I
Tammy Vincent:
00:00:45
know firsthand I have a lot of lived experience as far as what
Tammy Vincent:
00:00:48
it can do to a child and how when that child grows up, all of
Tammy Vincent:
00:00:53
these things that they did to protect themselves and learn how
Tammy Vincent:
00:00:56
to survive in that environment follow them into adulthood. So I
Tammy Vincent:
00:01:01
spent 30 years trying to really figure it out before I finally
Tammy Vincent:
00:01:05
said, Okay, I can finally go out and help people. Now it's not my
Tammy Vincent:
00:01:08
healing. It's not my there's no emotional charge behind talking
Tammy Vincent:
00:01:11
about my mom who did some pretty horrific things. So I'm ready,
Tammy Vincent:
00:01:17
like, literally, I threw in my healing journey. I threw
Tammy Vincent:
00:01:20
everything at the wall that I could possibly think of to try
Tammy Vincent:
00:01:23
to get over all of these things. I learned NLP, I got hypnotized.
Tammy Vincent:
00:01:28
I did EMDR therapy. I learned how to EFT, tap. I I journaled
Tammy Vincent:
00:01:33
1000s and 1000s of hours. I did seven years of inner child work
Tammy Vincent:
00:01:36
like I really did everything because I wanted to not have
Tammy Vincent:
00:01:41
this follow to the next generation. And in that I
Tammy Vincent:
00:01:46
remember finally I was like, wow, I have all of these tools
Tammy Vincent:
00:01:49
after my dad passed, and my father was an alcoholic, but
Tammy Vincent:
00:01:53
there was really no hard feelings with him, because I
Tammy Vincent:
00:01:56
feel like he was kind of a victim in the whole thing too,
Tammy Vincent:
00:01:59
which sounds horrible, because I know we don't like to have that
Tammy Vincent:
00:02:02
victim Victor mentality kind of thing. We don't want to be the
Tammy Vincent:
00:02:05
victim. But my father was a very troubled soul, and with the
Tammy Vincent:
00:02:09
things that he went the unresolved trauma that he never
Tammy Vincent:
00:02:12
dealt with, I could only imagine why he drank. So we anyway, I
Tammy Vincent:
00:02:17
waited till after he passed to where I was like, Okay, it's
Tammy Vincent:
00:02:19
time to tell my story, it's time to help other people heal,
Tammy Vincent:
00:02:22
because it took me 30 years or 20 years to really undo some of
Tammy Vincent:
00:02:28
the things that happen that a lot of people out there, lot of
Tammy Vincent:
00:02:31
my clients, don't even know they're wrestling with these
Tammy Vincent:
00:02:33
effects, right?
Jennifer Takagi:
00:02:35
We didn't always connect the dots. I've
Jennifer Takagi:
00:02:38
through a lot of spiritual healing journeys I've been on. I
Jennifer Takagi:
00:02:42
had the first spiritual healer was like, you do this? And I was
Jennifer Takagi:
00:02:45
like, No, I don't. It's just like, Oh, you do, and this is
Jennifer Takagi:
00:02:48
why. And I was like, No, I don't. Then it was like, Oh,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:02:51
wow, you're, you're, you're right. And now, now that I'm
Jennifer Takagi:
00:02:55
aware, I have a choice,
Unknown:
00:02:57
exactly, exactly.
Jennifer Takagi:
00:03:01
Oh, yeah. So powerful. So you you have taken
Jennifer Takagi:
00:03:06
all your lessons learned for your own healing. And so what
Jennifer Takagi:
00:03:11
does that look like?
Tammy Vincent:
00:03:13
So right now I look, I mean, it's funny,
Tammy Vincent:
00:03:16
because I have clients that are literally, like 75 years old,
Tammy Vincent:
00:03:20
and one, one of them said to me the other day, Tammy, for the
Tammy Vincent:
00:03:22
first time in my life, I feel like I took back control of my
Tammy Vincent:
00:03:26
life, and I was like, kudos to you. Like, now go live your life
Tammy Vincent:
00:03:29
out. Because when you grow up like this and you care, let all
Tammy Vincent:
00:03:32
these characteristics follow you into adulthood, there's a couple
Tammy Vincent:
00:03:36
couple common ones, and it's the people pleasing, it's the lack
Tammy Vincent:
00:03:40
of security, the lack of self esteem, the just the inability
Tammy Vincent:
00:03:45
to say yes to yourself over someone else. And once you can
Tammy Vincent:
00:03:50
combat that, and you can literally realize that your life
Tammy Vincent:
00:03:53
is yours to live, it's like a whole different world. So that's
Tammy Vincent:
00:03:57
what I do. I work with a lot of people just reprogramming. I
Tammy Vincent:
00:04:00
mean, our why our brains are so they're like, Play Doh, like a
Tammy Vincent:
00:04:03
big ball of Play Doh. And they get wired to believe certain
Tammy Vincent:
00:04:07
things, and until you're aware of those certain things, you're
Tammy Vincent:
00:04:10
going to keep acting as if they're true. And then once we
Tammy Vincent:
00:04:14
rewire them, we're like, woo hoo. So that's what I do. I help
Tammy Vincent:
00:04:17
people just realize that. You know, if you're listening to a
Tammy Vincent:
00:04:20
podcast like this, and something gives you a gut punch, and
Tammy Vincent:
00:04:23
you're like, wow, that's me. I don't say no, you know, I don't
Tammy Vincent:
00:04:27
say yes to myself that life can be better. Life can be happier
Tammy Vincent:
00:04:32
and more joyous and just more authentic. Like, you know,
Tammy Vincent:
00:04:35
there's millions and millions of people out there in the world
Tammy Vincent:
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right now walking around being what, what I like to call the
Tammy Vincent:
00:04:42
chameleon, and just, literally just blending in to be whatever
Tammy Vincent:
00:04:47
everybody wants them to be, because they don't even know how
Tammy Vincent:
00:04:49
to be themselves or have the confidence to do that. So that's
Tammy Vincent:
00:04:54
what I do. I help people just get there. I help people that
Tammy Vincent:
00:04:57
are kind of in that, ooh, is something wrong? Or. Or, you
Tammy Vincent:
00:05:00
know, why do I feel like I'm a five year old having a temper
Tammy Vincent:
00:05:03
tantrum? I'm like, because you are,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:05:07
no, I don't want to be. I don't want to be.
Jennifer Takagi:
00:05:09
So I love when you said, if you have that, like, that feeling in
Jennifer Takagi:
00:05:14
your gut, oh, that's me. I, I know a lot of of people live
Jennifer Takagi:
00:05:21
their life and they're like, Oh, it wasn't that bad. Like, there
Jennifer Takagi:
00:05:26
might have been drinking in the household, but it wasn't that
Jennifer Takagi:
00:05:28
bad. Like, nobody beat me, um, I wasn't assaulted, so it wasn't
Jennifer Takagi:
00:05:35
that bad, can you?
Tammy Vincent:
00:05:39
Oh, yes, I love to address that, because you
Tammy Vincent:
00:05:42
know what your trauma is. Your trauma when you were a child,
Tammy Vincent:
00:05:45
everything is that bad. So even though you look back at it as a
Tammy Vincent:
00:05:49
40 year old and you go, well, it wasn't that bad. You were an
Tammy Vincent:
00:05:52
innocent child, and it was huge at that time. So it changed the
Tammy Vincent:
00:05:57
way you looked at the world. It changed the way you saw
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:00
yourself. It changed the way you see other people. It changed
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:03
your perception of the safety of the world. So it doesn't matter
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:07
if you were assaulted or beaten. A good example, I have a client
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:12
that for years she just thought, she just felt unlovable by her
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:16
mother, and she's like but my mother told me she loved me all
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:19
the time, and it took us doing some timeline stuff and going
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:22
kind of back and I and we got to talking about our best friend,
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:26
and I said to her, did your friend ever talk about your
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:29
mother? And all of a sudden it was like she lit up, and she
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:32
said to me, oh my gosh, my mother got a new job one time,
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:36
and she was late three days in a row to pick me up for school.
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:39
And my best friend said to me, your mother must not love you
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:42
because she doesn't come up, come to pick you up on time. She
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:46
carried that with her for 45 years. That was the same effect
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:51
as my mother telling me she hated me every day of my life.
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:54
So there is no not that bad. There's no big T Troy. I mean,
Tammy Vincent:
00:06:59
there are big T traumas and little T traumas, but if it
Tammy Vincent:
00:07:02
changes the way you view the world, it was trauma, and it
Tammy Vincent:
00:07:05
needs to be unpacked.
Jennifer Takagi:
00:07:09
And sorry, I have to write notes. I'm avid
Jennifer Takagi:
00:07:14
about it. You're fine. You're fine. We have a recording, but I
Jennifer Takagi:
00:07:17
have to take the notes. Okay, like I I now recognize that I
Jennifer Takagi:
00:07:26
might have some of this trauma, not me personally, but I'm
Jennifer Takagi:
00:07:29
talking for the collective you, the person listening, I might
Jennifer Takagi:
00:07:33
have some of this trauma. So what? What's the first thing I
Jennifer Takagi:
00:07:38
can do now that I think I might like because I think sometimes
Jennifer Takagi:
00:07:44
stepping over that line of I might to acceptance of, yeah, I
Jennifer Takagi:
00:07:48
do can be kind of hard, but like, what's that first step
Tammy Vincent:
00:07:53
is give yourself some grace and know that
Tammy Vincent:
00:07:55
whatever it was, it wasn't your fault. And if you want a better
Tammy Vincent:
00:07:58
life, it's worth pursuing. That's the biggest thing,
Tammy Vincent:
00:08:01
because so much of especially when you're dealing with
Tammy Vincent:
00:08:04
addictive parents, so much there's so much manipulation,
Tammy Vincent:
00:08:07
there's so much just twisting of the way it really was, and you
Tammy Vincent:
00:08:14
have to decide, like, okay, nothing that I did, nothing that
Tammy Vincent:
00:08:17
happened to me was my fault, but I'm ready for something more. I
Tammy Vincent:
00:08:21
tell people, listen to these, these kind of podcasts, you
Tammy Vincent:
00:08:24
know, type in childhood trauma, type in adult child, type in
Tammy Vincent:
00:08:29
anything that's kind of in that area. And just start to listen,
Tammy Vincent:
00:08:32
and you'll see what resonates with you. And then find a tribe,
Tammy Vincent:
00:08:37
whether it's a group, a coach, you know, you can go to Allen,
Tammy Vincent:
00:08:40
there's Al Anon groups that are there's a COA groups, which is
Tammy Vincent:
00:08:44
adult children of alcoholic groups, and now they've actually
Tammy Vincent:
00:08:48
changed it to adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional
Tammy Vincent:
00:08:51
families, because they're finding that it doesn't
Tammy Vincent:
00:08:53
necessarily have to be addiction in the household that causes
Tammy Vincent:
00:08:56
these mindset changes. And I mean, it could be homelessness,
Tammy Vincent:
00:09:00
it could be job loss, divorce, a suicide. I mean, there's a
Tammy Vincent:
00:09:03
million different things it could be, um, but at the end of
Tammy Vincent:
00:09:06
the day, it leaves the child feeling unworthy and unloved and
Tammy Vincent:
00:09:09
unheard. So
Jennifer Takagi:
00:09:12
unworthy, unloved and unheard. Uh huh, you
Jennifer Takagi:
00:09:18
said those so quickly because you've said them so many times.
Jennifer Takagi:
00:09:21
But why? Yes.
Tammy Vincent:
00:09:25
And so when you start the healing, you go back
Tammy Vincent:
00:09:27
to that. And what, like the six or seven years of consistent
Tammy Vincent:
00:09:31
inner child work I did was going back and kind of re parenting
Tammy Vincent:
00:09:35
that inner child, which is really your subconscious mind.
Tammy Vincent:
00:09:38
It's the it's what's running the show. It's that little child
Tammy Vincent:
00:09:41
that never was, heard, loved, seen, whatever, validated
Tammy Vincent:
00:09:44
whatever it was, you know, told to be quiet and pushed into a
Tammy Vincent:
00:09:48
corner, whatever the what that scenario was. As an adult, we
Tammy Vincent:
00:09:52
act out as that young child, because that's what's stored in
Tammy Vincent:
00:09:55
our in our subconscious mind. I i.
Jennifer Takagi:
00:10:00
I'm not going to get this story right, but it
Jennifer Takagi:
00:10:03
there's somebody who speaks to the idea that you've got that
Jennifer Takagi:
00:10:07
five year old child driving the bus, and the bus is your life,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:10:11
and you're now 45 Are you ready to let that five year old quit
Jennifer Takagi:
00:10:15
driving? Are you ready to step into the driver's seat? But you
Jennifer Takagi:
00:10:19
don't just step into the driver's seat, right? You have
Jennifer Takagi:
00:10:22
to there. There's healing, and there's process that has to
Jennifer Takagi:
00:10:26
happen to be able to move that little five year old back into a
Jennifer Takagi:
00:10:30
seat, a passenger seat, and be the driver Exactly,
Tammy Vincent:
00:10:34
exactly. And sometimes, you know, it's just
Tammy Vincent:
00:10:36
like I said, These things are so ingrained in us. And there's
Tammy Vincent:
00:10:39
people that talk about generational trauma and
Tammy Vincent:
00:10:42
historical trauma and things that are built into our brains
Tammy Vincent:
00:10:45
that we have no control over, that take some reprogramming.
Tammy Vincent:
00:10:49
That's how I got into NLP, because a lot of that was kind
Tammy Vincent:
00:10:52
of taking a situation and reframing it and looking at it
Tammy Vincent:
00:10:56
in a different way. Or, you know, a lot of children I don't.
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:00
I have very little, very few memories. I have years of my
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:04
life that were really blacked out with amnesia because I
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:08
didn't. I blocked them out. I just didn't want to deal with
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:10
them. So what does your brain do when someone says goes, picture
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:14
your six year old self. You fill in what you think happened,
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:19
because you don't know. So I'm like, well, if I'm going to fill
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:22
in a story, let's make it a good one. If I'm going to make stuff
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:27
up anyway, let's make up some good stories. So I just, I
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:31
really like that idea of, you know, for a long time, I felt
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:34
like I was writing my story, but I wasn't holding the pen.
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:37
Somebody else was writing my story for me. They were telling
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:40
me who I was going to be, what I was going to do. I mean, I don't
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:44
know how many, even adults and people that I should have
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:46
respected said, Oh my gosh, because of your family, you will
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:50
never do anything with your life. You will never be anybody.
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:53
You're never going to change. You know, I went through tough
Tammy Vincent:
00:11:57
times. I went through times where I was rebellious. I went
Tammy Vincent:
00:12:00
through times where I was experimental. I'm like, Hey, she
Tammy Vincent:
00:12:02
seems to be doing good, and she's drinks herself to death,
Tammy Vincent:
00:12:05
drank herself to death, but she seemed to be happy in her own
Tammy Vincent:
00:12:09
world. Let me try that. I mean, I went through all of the
Tammy Vincent:
00:12:12
different things, and I didn't really get that support of, you
Tammy Vincent:
00:12:16
know, life can be different, and I think that's what I'm here to
Tammy Vincent:
00:12:19
do, is, you know, your past doesn't define you. It was just
Tammy Vincent:
00:12:22
something that happened you define you.
Jennifer Takagi:
00:12:26
I love that, and I love that when you know
Jennifer Takagi:
00:12:28
that's the the title of your talk, of your story, of what you
Jennifer Takagi:
00:12:32
share is your past does not have to define you. And I think we,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:12:38
my age group, anyway, kind of grew up in the idea of your kind
Jennifer Takagi:
00:12:43
of born into this class or this category and and that's all it's
Jennifer Takagi:
00:12:49
ever going to be. And I knew that was wrong, like I knew you
Jennifer Takagi:
00:12:54
could elevate yourself and do better, but one of my sisters is
Jennifer Takagi:
00:12:59
a elementary school principal, and all these kids had this book
Jennifer Takagi:
00:13:04
I was in to help with standardized testing, and they
Jennifer Takagi:
00:13:07
have to have proctors, and I was a proctor because I could make
Jennifer Takagi:
00:13:11
the time for that. And they had this book, and I was like, what
Jennifer Takagi:
00:13:14
is that book everybody has? And she goes, Oh, pick one up and
Jennifer Takagi:
00:13:16
just take it. They're everywhere. And I took it home
Jennifer Takagi:
00:13:22
and I got it read like just very quickly. It's probably written
Jennifer Takagi:
00:13:25
at the fourth or fifth grade level, probably, and it was
Jennifer Takagi:
00:13:29
called, I believe The Boy Who Carried Bricks. And it's a true
Jennifer Takagi:
00:13:34
story of a young man who was born into an alcoholic, abusive
Jennifer Takagi:
00:13:39
household, family, and when he was, like, seven years old, he
Jennifer Takagi:
00:13:42
decided, I don't want to do this anymore. And Kyle called Child
Jennifer Takagi:
00:13:45
Protective Services to come get him. He was like, I don't want
Jennifer Takagi:
00:13:49
to live in this anymore. And I've really, at various points,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:13:53
gotten really caught up in man. What makes a little kid decide
Jennifer Takagi:
00:13:58
this is not for me? He's now married with children. He's a
Jennifer Takagi:
00:14:02
preacher. He helps, you know, guide people, and he had come to
Jennifer Takagi:
00:14:06
the school and talk to the kids, and that's why there were so
Jennifer Takagi:
00:14:09
many books around and available to get his story out. Um, I
Jennifer Takagi:
00:14:14
just, I wonder, like, what is it? What Spark is it that we
Jennifer Takagi:
00:14:20
know there's more. There's something different. And I was
Jennifer Takagi:
00:14:23
in a training program in the last week or two, and the
Jennifer Takagi:
00:14:26
gentleman said, if you have a message to share, you have to
Jennifer Takagi:
00:14:30
share it, because if someone had sparked me earlier, I would have
Jennifer Takagi:
00:14:34
made some different life choices. Like, what are all
Jennifer Takagi:
00:14:37
those things? So how can we spark people not to go into like
Jennifer Takagi:
00:14:44
a pity party, and this is my life. It's terrible, but address
Jennifer Takagi:
00:14:48
the fact that there was trauma there, and I want to move past
Jennifer Takagi:
00:14:53
it. And I guess before that is I can move past it, there is a
Jennifer Takagi:
00:14:56
path. Like, how do we get that message out? Uh,
Tammy Vincent:
00:15:00
the only thing you can do is be like me and
Tammy Vincent:
00:15:02
have a podcast. Be like you have a podcast. Get up on this roof
Tammy Vincent:
00:15:06
and literally scream, there's a better life out there, and you
Tammy Vincent:
00:15:09
deserve it. Um, it takes one, literally, one comment from one
Tammy Vincent:
00:15:14
podcast. I've had so many people say to me, oh my gosh, I heard
Tammy Vincent:
00:15:18
that lady on your podcast say this, and it changed my whole
Tammy Vincent:
00:15:21
life. So if, if they heard it on my podcast, I mean, there's
Tammy Vincent:
00:15:25
millions of podcasts out there, so that's really what it takes,
Tammy Vincent:
00:15:29
because it's just educating people don't know they think
Tammy Vincent:
00:15:32
this was my life. This is what I born into. And kudos to that
Tammy Vincent:
00:15:36
gentleman for knowing that at seven years old, because
Tammy Vincent:
00:15:41
typically your brain is not even developed enough to make those
Tammy Vincent:
00:15:44
choices. What happens to most people is that those are their
Tammy Vincent:
00:15:48
caregivers. They they internalize and they flip the
Tammy Vincent:
00:15:52
blame on themselves versus blaming the person that is that
Tammy Vincent:
00:15:57
they're dependent on for their safety, their their everything.
Tammy Vincent:
00:16:00
So most kids internalize and flip it around. It wasn't until
Tammy Vincent:
00:16:03
I was 26 years old and had a couple suicide attempts and
Tammy Vincent:
00:16:08
depression and everything else that I was getting ready to have
Tammy Vincent:
00:16:13
a child, and that's what flipped me around, because I refused to
Tammy Vincent:
00:16:17
have a child and bring it into this world if I didn't know how
Tammy Vincent:
00:16:20
to do better than my parents did to me. So it really honestly,
Tammy Vincent:
00:16:26
when I started the journey to heal, it wasn't even for me, it
Tammy Vincent:
00:16:29
was for my child. You had a bigger purpose. I Yes, and we
Tammy Vincent:
00:16:34
all, and that's the thing. Like people need to understand,
Tammy Vincent:
00:16:37
everybody has a purpose. Like you said, if you have a story,
Tammy Vincent:
00:16:40
share it. We all have a purpose. It's not necessarily to take our
Tammy Vincent:
00:16:44
pain and turn it into someone else's learning. That's not
Tammy Vincent:
00:16:48
everybody's purpose. I feel like that's my purpose. I was given a
Tammy Vincent:
00:16:51
testimony or a test so that I could have a testimony, and I
Tammy Vincent:
00:16:56
use that to show you know, 1000 people throughout my life, told
Tammy Vincent:
00:17:00
me I would be nothing, but I still became a best selling
Tammy Vincent:
00:17:03
author. I have a podcast. I'm coaching. I love what I'm doing.
Tammy Vincent:
00:17:06
I get I I enjoy my life. When people, I don't know how many
Tammy Vincent:
00:17:11
people, said to me, I can't believe you're still around. I
Tammy Vincent:
00:17:13
talked to people in high school. They're like, wow, you survived.
Tammy Vincent:
00:17:17
I'm like, Wow,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:17:20
thank goodness I had a little more faith in
Jennifer Takagi:
00:17:22
myself than you had in me. Mm,
Tammy Vincent:
00:17:24
hmm, yep. And we have to find it in ourself.
Tammy Vincent:
00:17:27
That's the big thing. Is you have to really want it. And you
Tammy Vincent:
00:17:30
have to to know that there might not be a shining arm, you know,
Tammy Vincent:
00:17:34
a knight in shining armor to come save you, you have to save
Tammy Vincent:
00:17:37
yourself.
Jennifer Takagi:
00:17:38
Yeah, yeah. And that's so important. So I love
Jennifer Takagi:
00:17:42
the idea of listening to podcasts. Find a tribe. The ACOA
Jennifer Takagi:
00:17:47
group is a great one to get into. So if someone is
Jennifer Takagi:
00:17:52
listening, what is something on self care? Because, you know,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:17:57
that's such a big deal that we don't do. What is one thing that
Jennifer Takagi:
00:18:02
somebody listening could do for themselves today? Like, I'm I'm
Jennifer Takagi:
00:18:06
not ready to step out and join anything. But like, what could
Jennifer Takagi:
00:18:12
somebody do for themselves today? Start
Tammy Vincent:
00:18:15
treating themselves like their own best
Tammy Vincent:
00:18:16
friend. So you have that inner talk, you have that, you know,
Tammy Vincent:
00:18:21
if you have that guilt shame lifestyle where you're not good
Tammy Vincent:
00:18:26
enough or you're not deserving, EV be, start being aware of that
Tammy Vincent:
00:18:30
self talk. And every time something comes up and it hits
Tammy Vincent:
00:18:34
you when you you know, if you do something wrong and you got I'm
Tammy Vincent:
00:18:37
so stupid, because that's what will happen. Write it down and
Tammy Vincent:
00:18:41
say, No, I'm not and start challenging that. And instead of
Tammy Vincent:
00:18:45
comparing yourself to I mean, our expectations for ourselves
Tammy Vincent:
00:18:50
are way higher than they are for anybody else. So start comparing
Tammy Vincent:
00:18:53
it to how you would treat your own best friend. You know, if
Tammy Vincent:
00:18:57
your friend made a mistake, would you tell them they were
Tammy Vincent:
00:18:59
stupid? No, you they would say, hey, sucking up buttercup,
Tammy Vincent:
00:19:03
you're okay. I love you anyway. So start doing that to yourself.
Jennifer Takagi:
00:19:07
I love that analogy. I've heard that before,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:19:11
and it is, I had somebody stop me one time and they said, I
Jennifer Takagi:
00:19:17
just, I just love you too much to have you talk to yourself
Jennifer Takagi:
00:19:20
that way, because you're my friend, and I wouldn't talk to
Jennifer Takagi:
00:19:22
you that way, so you shouldn't. And I had a really big lesson a
Jennifer Takagi:
00:19:28
number of years ago, I was seeing a counselor, which I
Jennifer Takagi:
00:19:32
think are amazing people get the right one, and it's a phenomenal
Jennifer Takagi:
00:19:36
experience. And I said, Well, my friend at work said, blah, blah,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:19:41
blah. And I kept going with the story, and she stopped me, and
Jennifer Takagi:
00:19:47
she said, What did she say? And I repeated it, and she goes and
Jennifer Takagi:
00:19:53
who said that? And I said, my friend at work. And she said,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:19:57
No, that is not a first. Friend, a friend would never treat you
Jennifer Takagi:
00:20:02
that way. We need to redefine friend. That person's a
Jennifer Takagi:
00:20:06
coworker, she's a colleague, she's an acquaintance, she's not
Jennifer Takagi:
00:20:11
a friend. And so I think we often also get caught up in
Jennifer Takagi:
00:20:17
people are in our circle, and we just think that's the way it is,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:20:23
but they don't have to be in your circle. And that was a
Jennifer Takagi:
00:20:26
pivotal I can talk like I'm a professional here, but can get
Jennifer Takagi:
00:20:32
this out, that idea of I can choose who my friends are, and I
Jennifer Takagi:
00:20:40
don't have to spend time with everyone, exactly.
Tammy Vincent:
00:20:43
And I think that's part of you know, once
Tammy Vincent:
00:20:45
you start treating yourself like your own best friend, I think
Tammy Vincent:
00:20:48
that's the next thing, is to really understand your what you
Tammy Vincent:
00:20:52
stand for, and start setting some boundaries around that. And
Tammy Vincent:
00:20:56
one of the biggest things you're going to have, I mean, if you
Tammy Vincent:
00:20:59
start on a true healing journey, you are going to lose people in
Tammy Vincent:
00:21:04
your life, but you're going to lose the people that don't need
Tammy Vincent:
00:21:07
to be in your life anyway. I know I've had people that, even
Tammy Vincent:
00:21:10
clients that have dealt with family members, and I ask them,
Tammy Vincent:
00:21:13
I say, if they weren't in your family, would they be in your
Tammy Vincent:
00:21:16
life? And they're like, No, I'm like, than the people that just
Tammy Vincent:
00:21:21
consider them, the people that love you, your family, and those
Tammy Vincent:
00:21:25
are the and I know it sounds all hard and cold and everything
Tammy Vincent:
00:21:28
else, but you get to choose what stays in it. You know it. You
Tammy Vincent:
00:21:33
have a door to your heart or your door to your life, and you
Tammy Vincent:
00:21:36
get to choose who walks in and out of it. But until you
Tammy Vincent:
00:21:39
understand what you stand for. You'll never do that. And so
Tammy Vincent:
00:21:45
that's a big part of, you know, and that that takes some, all of
Tammy Vincent:
00:21:48
these steps kind of take an accountability, person, a group,
Tammy Vincent:
00:21:51
or some it's very hard to do the whole process on your own,
Tammy Vincent:
00:21:55
because you can, you know, it's like, I say, you can do
Tammy Vincent:
00:21:58
affirmations all day long. You can look at a picture of
Tammy Vincent:
00:22:00
yourself in the mirror and say, you know, I love you. You're a
Tammy Vincent:
00:22:03
wonderful you are amazing. But when the rubber hits the road
Tammy Vincent:
00:22:07
and you have to do something for yourself and make a split
Tammy Vincent:
00:22:10
decision, you are making it from whatever your internal beliefs
Tammy Vincent:
00:22:13
are. So
Jennifer Takagi:
00:22:16
getting out like you have to get out and
Jennifer Takagi:
00:22:19
interact with people. I had breakfast with a friend the
Jennifer Takagi:
00:22:21
other day, and she's got some hard things going on with her
Jennifer Takagi:
00:22:24
adult child. And I said, What are you going to do for you? And
Jennifer Takagi:
00:22:28
she mentioned several things, but they were all in the house,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:22:31
within the house. And I said, Don't forget, you have to get
Jennifer Takagi:
00:22:36
out. You. You have to get out and see that there's a bigger
Jennifer Takagi:
00:22:39
world out there, life is happening in different ways for
Jennifer Takagi:
00:22:43
different people. And if you just stay locked in your house
Jennifer Takagi:
00:22:46
with your own story, you you can't step out of that story,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:22:51
because you're just in it and cutting people out of your life.
Jennifer Takagi:
00:22:55
We don't want to take that lightly, right? No, it's a it's
Jennifer Takagi:
00:22:59
a huge decision. I I do have one friend who did need to cut her
Jennifer Takagi:
00:23:03
mother out of her life, and it was the right choice. But for
Jennifer Takagi:
00:23:07
other people, it's just reducing the amount of time you spend
Jennifer Takagi:
00:23:10
with them. Yeah, I like. I was given guidance once. Well, if
Jennifer Takagi:
00:23:15
Christmas is too long at that relative's house, go later and
Jennifer Takagi:
00:23:20
leave earlier. Mm, hmm. I didn't have to cut them out. I didn't
Jennifer Takagi:
00:23:24
have to have a big scene. I just right my own car and showed up a
Jennifer Takagi:
00:23:29
little bit later, and then I a little bit earlier. So it
Jennifer Takagi:
00:23:34
doesn't have to be a big dramatic thing.
Tammy Vincent:
00:23:37
No, it doesn't. And it can even be something,
Tammy Vincent:
00:23:40
you know, with like, the boundaries of having the courage
Tammy Vincent:
00:23:44
to say, you know, I really don't appreciate you talking to me
Tammy Vincent:
00:23:46
that way. If you do, I'm leaving, you know, and those
Tammy Vincent:
00:23:50
things, those are, those are the tough things. Family holidays
Tammy Vincent:
00:23:53
are really hard, because a lot of times we're with the people
Tammy Vincent:
00:23:56
that cause us the the trauma to begin with. And you want it to
Tammy Vincent:
00:24:00
be a nice environment, and you do the best you can, but you
Tammy Vincent:
00:24:04
have to be able to do that and also still be yourself and not
Tammy Vincent:
00:24:09
bend over backwards to please everybody else and not hurt
Tammy Vincent:
00:24:13
their feelings. And that's that's a balancing act. And I
Tammy Vincent:
00:24:17
always say, if a relationship is able to be mended, by all means,
Tammy Vincent:
00:24:21
work on mending it. I'm not saying cut everybody toxic out
Tammy Vincent:
00:24:24
of your life, but like you said, limit the time. Have some
Tammy Vincent:
00:24:28
boundaries. A good example is I have a lot of clients whose
Tammy Vincent:
00:24:33
parents are still drinking, and they have young children now,
Tammy Vincent:
00:24:37
and they're like, the holidays are so hard, because I know my
Tammy Vincent:
00:24:39
mom's going to be drunk on Thanksgiving. So you tell them,
Tammy Vincent:
00:24:42
hey, if you're drinking when we get there, I'm out. And then
Tammy Vincent:
00:24:46
it's their choice, because those boundaries are not to hurt the
Tammy Vincent:
00:24:50
other person. They're to protect you and your family.
Jennifer Takagi:
00:24:53
I read a magazine article years ago. I
Jennifer Takagi:
00:24:56
hadn't been married very long, and we were. Uh, struggle might
Jennifer Takagi:
00:25:01
be too big of a word, but we were trying to navigate the
Jennifer Takagi:
00:25:04
whole holiday season situation with my family and his family,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:25:08
and, you know, my sisters being able to come his brother, like
Jennifer Takagi:
00:25:12
we were trying to navigate all that. And I read this magazine
Jennifer Takagi:
00:25:17
article, and it was along the lines of, you're an adult now,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:25:23
you cannot recreate your childhood memories like the good
Jennifer Takagi:
00:25:28
ones. I'm talking about the good ones. You can't recreate those
Jennifer Takagi:
00:25:31
good memories and make them happen again, because there are
Jennifer Takagi:
00:25:35
different players. You have to create your own new traditions.
Jennifer Takagi:
00:25:42
And I think that would be very true here. Like the tradition
Jennifer Takagi:
00:25:46
used to be go to moms, but now mom's drunk every time we get
Jennifer Takagi:
00:25:50
there. Maybe the tradition needs to be it's at my house. It's a
Jennifer Takagi:
00:25:53
little earlier in the day and ends earlier. So mom hasn't had
Jennifer Takagi:
00:25:57
such a good run at kicking the day
Unknown:
00:26:00
off, right, right,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:26:03
right. We've gotta think through these
Jennifer Takagi:
00:26:04
things. So if somebody wants to work with you, we'll, of course,
Jennifer Takagi:
00:26:07
have all the links in the show notes. But, but how do you work
Jennifer Takagi:
00:26:11
with clients? Do you work one on one? Do you have group programs
Jennifer Takagi:
00:26:13
like, how do people work with you to get beyond this?
Tammy Vincent:
00:26:18
Uh, mostly it's one on one. I am have, I do have
Tammy Vincent:
00:26:21
a group program right now. I want to, I want healing and all
Tammy Vincent:
00:26:24
this to be completely in accessible to everybody. So I
Tammy Vincent:
00:26:28
have a group program, which I'm kind of revamping, which should
Tammy Vincent:
00:26:31
open back up, where people can just jump on and talk about
Tammy Vincent:
00:26:34
whatever, and like, three or four times a week. And it also
Tammy Vincent:
00:26:38
goes along with, I do have a, I guess you could call it like a
Tammy Vincent:
00:26:41
signature course. It's called trials to triumph. And so with
Tammy Vincent:
00:26:45
that course, why people are taking it, they have constant,
Tammy Vincent:
00:26:48
you know, message, access to me and everything, just for
Tammy Vincent:
00:26:52
support. And it goes through, really, every aspect of being an
Tammy Vincent:
00:26:57
adult child and what you've been through. But mostly, most of my
Tammy Vincent:
00:27:00
clients are one on one, and they could just reach out, book a
Tammy Vincent:
00:27:04
call. I just tailor packages to whatever. Some people just want.
Tammy Vincent:
00:27:08
Hey, I just want to work through this one thing. Most people find
Tammy Vincent:
00:27:12
that when, when they work through one thing, it's it leads
Tammy Vincent:
00:27:14
to another thing, another thing. So I just work out custom
Tammy Vincent:
00:27:18
packages forever. It could, you know, for everyone, it could be
Tammy Vincent:
00:27:20
a day, it could be three months, six months a year. So whatever
Tammy Vincent:
00:27:24
level of need and support someone needs, I don't, there's
Tammy Vincent:
00:27:28
no ABC to this journey. I could, I could have a plan. Who today
Tammy Vincent:
00:27:33
we're going to do this, and then you come in and you're at a
Tammy Vincent:
00:27:36
totally different place, and you might need some just, you know,
Tammy Vincent:
00:27:40
nervous system reset. Who knows? It could be anything. So I'm
Tammy Vincent:
00:27:43
very much into it. Needs to be flexible, but people I want to
Tammy Vincent:
00:27:48
work with, the people that want to make the transformation.
Jennifer Takagi:
00:27:51
Oh, that's so beautiful. Thank you, Tammy. I
Jennifer Takagi:
00:27:54
appreciate you being here today and sharing all of your wisdom
Jennifer Takagi:
00:27:58
and knowledge with
Tammy Vincent:
00:27:58
the audience. Well, thank you for having me. I
Tammy Vincent:
00:28:01
appreciate it. As we wrap this
Jennifer Takagi:
00:28:03
up, what is your final thought,
Tammy Vincent:
00:28:07
that you're worth it, that you were put on this
Tammy Vincent:
00:28:10
earth beautiful, divine and joyous, and that all the stuff
Tammy Vincent:
00:28:13
that happened in between, then and now was not your fault, and
Tammy Vincent:
00:28:18
you deserve to be that beautiful, divine, joyous
Tammy Vincent:
00:28:20
creature again. So every step you make in the right direction
Tammy Vincent:
00:28:23
is 100% worth it, and you're worth it, and you're perfect,
Tammy Vincent:
00:28:27
just the way you are right now.
Jennifer Takagi:
00:28:30
Oh my gosh, thank you for that. I'm Jennifer
Jennifer Takagi:
00:28:33
Takagi with destin for success, and I look forward to connecting
Jennifer Takagi:
00:28:37
with you soon. You.