Cake career choices and questionable care is what I thought we talk about in this week's episode of Frazzled. It's been a minute, hasn't it? I've not been here at all, right, for the summer. I think I checked. I don't think I've been with you since like the 4th of August. That feels a very, very long time, doesn't it? If I'm honest, I did get to a point where I was like, is anybody still listening? Does anybody care? And then you will, I started to get loads of messages. I've also had, I think just over the last 2 weeks. 27 people ask if they can come on as guests. I'll leave that up to you lot, because as we know, this is my uncut unscripted, unedited podcast, it's my, it's my brain dump. It is my unapologetic messiness that I show up with you all. But for those of you that do listen, if you want some guests rather than meet you in your ear off every week, let me know, and maybe I'll go back to some of them. I've had loads and loads of inquiries this year. And I just keep saying, sorry, no, it's a solo podcast. It's just for me. But if you guys want it, maybe we could, maybe we could look at, look at what we could do, even though. Just the thought of that, it's like, okay, arrange the guest, get the guests at, but I've got a team that could do that. So if you want it, there we are. But today, cake, career choices, and questionable care. Shall we start with cake? Cake, cake, cake. Let's start with cake. Last week was my birthday. Happy birthday, me. And I did nothing. I've usually, well, say, I did nothing. I did do something, but not on my actual birthday, on my actual birthday. I refused to do the school run. I said to my other half, you're going to have to, you're going to have to sort like our youngest, my youngest stepson, his youngest son out. I was like, no, I'm not getting out of bed, not until I'm ready. So, He arranged, he arranged room to get picked up. I told myself I was just going to have a day in bed, watching some films, but had this. Obsession. With I needed cake. I wanted cake on my birthday. To sit and watch a film. I didn't have any birthday cake. My birthday cake wasn't coming until Friday evening. When 13 of us sat down for a family dinner. But I was desperate for cake, but not in a, I don't even know how to describe it. I just had, I want cake. And I couldn't think where it came from. So anyway, I delivered myself a nice lunch and I ordered myself, my own birthday cake, my birthday cake arrived. I had my lunch. Had a slice of cake. I loved it. I watched a few films. I had some lovely yoga, I had a long soak in the bath. Mick came home, cooked me gorgeous, gorgeous dinner, my favourite food. And that was my birthday, and it was lovely, and I got lots of lovely presents and cards and messages, and it was just wonderful, as I said, big family meal, big family meal, it wasn't everybody, but 13 of us, Friday, we had everybody sat around the table at home rather than going out. I just wanted to be comfortable and surrounded by my lovely people. But it was Saturday morning. I was doing my journalling. And if you want, let me know if you want it. I do like birthday reflections every year. I have specific questions that I ask. A few times a year. Um, but specifically around my birthday and what I want for like my next birthday year, what do I want to bring in? What do I want to achieve? What do I want my goals to? Be like, how like, just where do I want to be by my next birthday? If you want some of those questions to help with and your little quarterly reflections, let me know. But I'm journalling on Saturday morning and I realised why the cake was so important. And the cake was so important because, on my birthday last year, I was waiting for my surgery. And the doctor, the consultant, had made it really clear the weight that I needed to be in order for him to do the surgery in October. And I had £7 in weight that I just could not shift. And so I refused last year to have a birthday cake. I told my partner, Mick, you can bring me one on the day of my surgery to the hospital. I was very specific about what it needed to look like. Had to be a proper birthday cake, very and he did bring it to me. couldn't eat it. couldn't eat it. We gave it to the nurses. But I wanted cake. And rather I couldn't eat cake and that became a thing for me because I don't know why, but I think ever since I've ever, I suppose ever since I've been a child, I've just got this thing like it's not a birthday unless you have cake. And last year I refused to eat it, wouldn't have it in the house, didn't want it anywhere near me. I was so desperate for my surgery last year. That I refused to even think about it. And this year, I just, I want to sit and just enjoy a piece of cake whilst I chill and watch a film, doing nothing, just like a full on solo pamper day. But with cake. And that's what I had. And it was lovely. And then my sons had bought me, had ordered me. What I can only describe as the best cake I have ever eaten in my entire life. Entire life. Everybody around the table said exactly the same thing. One of my sons, his girlfriend, was like, you know, this is where all of all of her family gets their cakes from. So we'll be going back and I've said to my sons, like, well, should we get, should we get your birthday one from there this year? he's like, yeah, please. So I think we found a new cake shop. Seriously, the best cake ever. And quite surprised actually, because my family are a little bit piggy-ish and when the cake came, I think it said it was supposed to serve like 18 people. I think I think we've got nearer kind of 28 slices out of it. But honestly, beautiful. So it is cake. Huge of, and it was, I think that again was part of the process. I will have done. I'm sure, shared some episodes with you last year about just how I was feeling in the run-up to that surgery. And who would have thought that the thing that had made me kind of realise just how much progress I made would have been a slice of cake. As progress, and I think, again, thinking back to, Everything that's happened over the last 12 months. And genuinely hoping that the surgery would be a, I don't know, just a complete fresh start and in many ways it has been. But that was like, that was also in this birthday year. And that as I was then reflecting on another family member that became really seriously ill, um, over Christmas and had to get admitted to a psychiatric ward. We've got my dad's cancer diagnosis, which I'll come onto in a moment. And so from a family perspective, I suppose I was genuinely hoping that this would be like the healthiest year for all of us. And in some ways, it's been one of the hardest. But there have also been amazing changes and even this morning, I've got this new gym app. So I'm still doing my PT sessions and I'm still doing my yoga and I'm doing my marathon training. And I've, where I go for my PT, they also, they've got obviously all of the proper gear, but I thought, what would be easier if I'm, do the school run and pop into the gym, jump on a treadmill and do a few bits and pieces. And they've got this thing called an e-gym. And it gives you your um, there's lots of things that you can do to test your biological age. And so I've been using that, but my birthday, I've gone up a year, obviously. I'm a year older. My biological age has come down a year. So even just to know that my physical fitness has been improving to the point that I've lost some biological age, is bloody amazing. So who knows where I'll be this time next year? But yeah, that was just, that was a little bit of a reflection. So that's the cake. Should we talk questionable care? As I've just mentioned, my dad, I'm still. I'm still fucking fuming. Is, is, is really all I can all, like say. I, we still don't have any answers. And he still hasn't started any treatment. And I cannot wrap my head around. How, You could tell somebody 3 months ago. So we're passed the 6 month point now with all of this since he's everything started and he's supposed to be on a 2 week fast track. We're past the 6 month stage. I don't know how you can tell somebody 3 months ago that they've got advanced cancer. And still not have started any treatment. And I think part of that is why I just needed to switch off completely over the summer. My, my poor parents are. They've just been exhausted, and of course, it's a knock on effect then for us, and my dad's not been, he had been staying as positive as possible, but the longer they wait, and the more they mess him around. Obviously, the worse he gets, and for any of you that have that are caring for parents that have got elderly parents, that have got ill or sick relatives, or if you yourself are going through that. I don't think there's really anything worse than just feeling like you are completely unheard. And being made to feel that you just don't matter. And so a couple of weeks ago, I spent 2 days with him at Adam Brooks in Cambridge, waiting for another biopsy. Because of the delay from his last biopsy to being told it was advanced cancer, because nothing's happened. They've needed to do another biopsy to assess where they're at with the cancer, to then be able to decide on the course of treatment that they need to do. So I'd taken my parents, all 3 of us went into the room. I was expecting to just wait in the reception and then I kind of got a look. So we all went. I asked lots of questions. And they gave us a date. on the day to say, you need to come for his biopsy, when would you want it? They gave us 3 dates, 27th of August, 28th of August, 3rd of September. And I was like, well, obviously, we'll take the 27th. And my mum, bless her, was like, oh, we've got a meat. I like, we're going to move the meeting, mum. right? It's a church reason. We're going to move the meeting or tell them what we can't do it. getting dad in on the 27th. So they then sent us straight down to like a pre-op thing, do his blood pressure, some blood tests, swabbing MRSA, all that sort of stuff. You're in chess, blah, blah, blah. Getting quick, okay, fine. And he's coming in on the 3rd of September, so we thought, brilliant progress, everything's done, everything sorted. And then on the, what would it have been the 1st of September? So it was due to going on the 3rd, 1st of September. He then gets told, it's not happening on Thursday. It's on the 20th. No, it would have been the week before, so 27, 25th of September, 25th of August. He then gets told, you can't do it this week. We've got to do it the week after. Which, of course, then has another narcon effect. And when you're juggling school holidays, and you're in need of a break yourself, and the weather is just stupidly and ridiculously hot, to the point that my HRT patch is were becoming really painful because of what was happening to them in the heat. So my HRT patches are not working effectively in the heat. Summer holidays, not sleeping because of the heat, feeling like crap, looking like crap, not knowing what to wear in the bloody weather. Ridiculously hot, horrible stuff going on. My nieces were over the week before my dad eventually went in from Spain. We did have a lovely day with them and kept lots of busy. We had an Auntie Kelly Pamper day, which was which was just amazing. But my stepson's off. And my ex-husband had got married and trying to juggle all of that and be there for the boys and try to support my dad on top of everything else. This, I've talked about it before, I have another, but it's middling. It's bloody hard when you're needing to be wanting to and needing to be there. For sick and elderly parents. Needing and wanting to be there for yourself, to take care of yourself and do whatever it is that you want to do. Have some fun, live your life, take care of yourself. Try to enjoy a bit of summer instead of having to work in the most ridiculously hot bloody conditions anyway. And then parenting and step parenting and everything else that goes with it. It is so bloody exhausting. And it also, like the fight, to have to try and fight again for more answers from the NHS. That in itself is exhausted and I does Kelly just leave it. And I've only said this to my mum in a in a rage full of tears. But, If we were to lose my dad, I believe, I don't know, but I believe, If I were to lose my dad because of old age, I could say, not even old age, just age. But I could say, well, my dad's 80. He's had a good inning. very happy, you know, very happy. He feels very blessed. He feels he's lived a very blessed life. He's very content, he's happy. And if you speak to him, he's literally living his best life. And so kind of thing, okay, so if we lost him because of age, that's one thing. If we lost him because of cancer, that's something else. But I believe I'd get my head around that as well. I don't believe I could get my head around the fact if we lost him because of incompetence. And we've got another wait now for another, when did he go last week? So we've got another 2 weeks wait before we find out even what treat, a minimum of 2 weeks before we even find out what possible treatment might look like. And then there's no doubt going to be another bloody delay before either treatment or surgery takes place. But we've got minimum of another minimum of 2 weeks, and this is all, as I said, already been going for well over 6 months now. That in itself takes its toll. And I We've seen it all the time, aren't we? And I talk about moral injury as a form of burnout. And well, I don't talk about it. Moral injury is a form of burnout and I talk about all the all the different sorts of burnout. But I can't get my head around. How we have this level of incompetence and yet every person that you speak to, I think this is where my dad's from. you know, everybody's doing their best. Everybody's really lovely. But at what point do we stop just going, well, everybody's look, because at some point people are involved in this process. Right? People are involved. For somebody to sit in front of you and say, okay, we'll do it on the 27th and then for another person to tow your week later, well, we've got to delay it until next week. People are making those choices somewhere in there. Right? Some people, they may be very nice people, but some people are in there making that choice. And the day that we did take him for his biopsy, I'm not going to go into all of that. I mean, that's like an hour. That's an hour long round in itself. It was a shit show every day. Let me let me tell you that. And then they kept him in overnight. And then that's why I had 2 dates with him. But this one woman had gone back into the, to a waiting area where my mum and dad were, uh, my mum and I were waiting for news about my dad. Some woman had been called in the morning. And told to go in for an operation that she's been waiting for for 2 years. She got to the hospital at 7 o'clock in the morning. She'd been asking all day, when am I going in? When am I going in? Oh, you'll go next. You'll go next, you'll go next. And at quarter past five, 2 people went out to tell her, it's been cancelled and it's not being done today. And she walked back into this waiting area in tears, like could not catch her breath. Because of how much she was crying. And it was just, well, I'm like, you know, the response was, you know, I'm really, really sorry to hear that. That must be awful for you. We can't help you'll have to ring the bookings line tomorrow. I just, we're dealing with people, people's lives, people's health. People are making those decisions somewhere in that. And I still work with doctors and therapists and registrars and consultants within the NHS, within healthcare. that are struggling with this every single day, but other people, there are people making those decisions that decide whether a woman rocks up at 7 o'clock in the morning, have him being woken up that morning to be told, come in. And I just got this like really kind of questionable care, because it's not care, is it? And so that in itself is exhausting. And in part, I suppose why. I haven't been able to show up in necessarily in the way that I would want to and all be able to kind of show up for podcasts. I think if it's not been like urgent. I've just not been, I've not been able to motivate myself. I've not been able to find the energy. And I've not even really known what to say other than it all feels a bit shit at the minute and that's kind of like, hello, this is today's podcast. It all feels a bit shit. So that's that bit. That's the cake and the questionable care. And the questionable care led me to question my career choices. I, what should I say, business choices? I think I went with career choices because I thought there's lots of C's, we could have all the C's today, couldn't we? Cake career choices and questionable care. And everybody'd be like, questionable is a Q, Kelly. I know, but it's got a cur sound, isn't it? And... I... Started to think, oh, 3 or 4 weeks ago, I could just sack all of this in and just get a job. I can't tell you the last time that I can actually. There was one job that came up. Oh, how many years ago? Five or 6 years ago. I'd always said, if this particular job came up with that particular organisation, I would apply for it. And that particular job came up with that particular organisation. I got 3 to final rounds of interview and then was like, I can't I can't see myself being employed. Um, and that was, that, that was that one. But I did find myself over the last kind of 3 or 4 weeks, just thinking, I can't, I can't keep doing this. I can't keep showing up. I can't keep marketing myself into the wood. I can't be doing with algorithms that are keeping me hidden. I can't be doing with like potential clients that, yes, I really want to learn this, but not this time. Or I might join the next one or I might join the next one and I might join the next one and then have marketers say to me, like, if people aren't saying yes straight away, there's something wrong with your offer. You're not speaking to their pain enough. You're not speaking to this enough. You're not speaking to that enough, like you are the problem. If people are not buying. And I just said, well, I haven't got, I haven't genuinely, I've not had the energy to show up in the way that I want, that I want to be able to show up. Not at the drive, not being able to show up for you guys on the podcast. I've been doing the I've been doing the math classes, and like I said, been doing the stuff that's urgent. But outside of that, I've been with my mum and dad. I've been taking care of myself, I've been trying to survive whatever the bloody heat wave is and whatever was going on with my HRT. Right? I love, I love the work that I love showing up every week in the burnout coach collective. I love delivering the 2 day burnout informed coach. I can't tell you how upset I'm gonna be when this cohort of the master burnout coach finishes. We've got 3 weeks left to go. And I'm genuinely going to be gutting because I love it. And then I've got four, what have I got? 4 weeks off before, no. Yeah, 4 weeks off before we start again in November. And yet, Like, it's the, what do we call it? Client acquisition? The marketing, the sales. If I'm honest, I'm just like, I'm done with it. I'm done with it. You've got to kind of constantly feel like a bit of a performing monkey, right? To show up on platforms, you constantly got to be like competing with algorithms on LinkedIn. And funnily, I think the people that are like, well, you just got to, you just got to show up, you just got to do this. The people that are telling you what to do, they're the ones making money off the fact that everybody's struggling with their marketing. Everybody I'm speaking to, struggling to fill events, struggling to fill programmes, struggling to get clients, struggling to get clients to say yes, struggle, like just struggling. The ones that aren't struggling are the ones saying to people, hey, I've got the answer for why you're struggling. And then they're telling the rest of us that the issue is us. It's like hang on a minute. Probably if I was selling the solution to why we're all struggling, I'd be all right as well. And it's not, it's not that I'm struggling. It just feels like another layer of stuff that I'm having to do to show up and Yeah, perform, isn't it? Like showing up on LinkedIn daily is a performance. Showing up on YouTube is a performance. Even, you know, even, even doing this podcast with you, it's a performance and I don't mean like I'm having to fake anything. This is raw, this is uncut. This is unedited. This is the truth, right? This is the outlet. This is what we talk about. So I'm not like, oh, I've got to, I've got to perform and I've got, but it's still a performance. The fact that you got to show up and share. The fact that, you know, when you when you're delivering masterclasses, you delivery and stuff, like you've got to get up and at least, you know, have a shower, get your head done, put your face on. People aren't showing up to see you on your knees, like, oh, this is the worst day of it. Nobody's paying for that. I love my, but I can't even begin to explain how much I love what I do. The other stuff on top of lifing at the moment just feels exhausted. And so yeah, I will openly admit to all of you. I had this feeling, the other one, I'm just going to apply for a job. There was one job, funnily enough, there was one job that came up. I thought, that would be my perfect job. I didn't do anything with it. Because of delays with my dad. And and then it vanished. And there's probably any... He's like, I'm replying for it. I started to look for some others. They all look crap again and I'm back in the headspace of, I cannot physically get a job again. I have to make this work. I have to keep performing. I need to sort my own. Life out. I need to sort my own energy out. and, you know, I need to, I need to do all that stuff. So I'm not going anywhere. It's just hard. Right? And of course, you know, potential clients, clients, they don't care. Every time that, you know, they don't need to care. It's not their, it's not their job. It's not what they're there for, but like every time there's a delay. I've I think I mentioned this a few weeks ago. I've not had one client pay me on time this year. Not one. I'm chasing invoices. I'm chasing money, like, on LinkedIn, talking to new clients. I'm having calls with every like, yeah, it's amazing. My boss won't pay. I'll join the next one. I can't tell you how many people I've had in my deals. I really want to join this, but my company won't pay for it. I don't know what you want me to do with that information. Or people that want to like pick my brains and they're, and I'm not, I don't allow brain pickers anymore. That's a boundary that we've set, right? But then they're like, well, I really want the next CPD, but I'll join you next time. Every single person that is a join next time is a delayed client. And then, you know, there may or may not be another course of cheaper course, something else that will come at the right time. It's not so much about that, but I think that's been part of business for 12 years, right? I'm used to that. The people, I know my clients, are paying. My clients are joining. My clients are there. The right people. I've put different boundaries in in terms of payments and everything over the last, you know, over the last couple of months again. And then I've got massively let down by one person and it's, you know, it's it's been a knock on effect. It's been a really, really hard few months. But I'm not going anywhere. And I think this week, 1st week, 1st week back at work, if you like, fully. I did the Master Bennett coach last week, but I did take the rest of the week off for my birthday. I did like one all day, then came up. was due to be back the week earlier, and again, 2 days with my dad, so I'd kind of moved all of that. So I have had an extended summer break. The back to school vibes are back this week. I am delivering 5 different masterclasses. 2 of those, 2 one of those to the Academy Alumni. We're going to do burnout, revisited. We've got that today. If you're listening to this episode. So we've got that happening today on Monday, on Wednesday, I'm delivering burn anthology 101. I'm back with the burnout coach collective this week and we're talking about burnout and culture. I've delivered the master burnout coach this week. I'm doing a couple of masterclasses for other coaching groups. I'm going to be my element this week doing what I love in the way that I love it with people that I know I will love to spend time with. And that, for me, has given me the ultimate back to school vibes. And I think, you know, I know I need structure, I need routine. I need to know what I'm doing. That's the stuff that works for me mentally, emotionally, physically. To have constant things changing, to not know what's happening from one day to the next, be getting peed off with everybody else, to can't get my head around why I'm so bloody obsessed with cake and all that, all that sort of stuff. Takes its whole, it can be, it can be draining. And sometimes, I just need a day with my journal. Be it the day before my birthday or on a Saturday morning. Get everything out in my head. Give myself just full space and full permission. To completely switch off and just be with myself. And as supposed to end this week's longer episode. When do, what do you do? When you are feeling overwhelmed. What do you need and how do you make sure that you give it to yourself? Because for me, the answer is, and I've written this down this year. And for years, I wanted to get this as a tattoo. don't know, it probably wouldn't go with my other stuff, but. I am always my missing piece of the puzzle. Always. I will always have the answers to what I need. Time to myself will be what I need. Time to sit and reflect, to journal, to go inwards, to ask myself the questions will always be what I need. Even if the answer is, I need help from another person. But it will give me the answers. When I'm in exhaustion, panic, hormones all over the place, tired, angry, all of that sort of stuff, that's when I can want to just give it all up, get a job, because it would just be easier to just get a salary. Like get up every day, have the same routine, get paid a salary, carry on as normal. That's never felt that appealing to in 12 years, 13 years. That's not felt that appealing to me. It has done over the last few weeks. And then time to myself with my journal. I am always my missing piece of the puzzle. When you get to that point of overwhelming exhaustion, and maybe you do find yourself making decisions that just seem absolutely crazy at the time. What's your missing piece of the puzzle? What's the thing that? Will always fix it for you. Is it you? Is that somebody else? Is that what is what is that? Because the more that you can find your missing piece. Hopefully the less frazzled. The more energised and the more positive we can start to be. That has been cake career choices and questionable care. I will be back with you again next week. Have an amazing, amazing week. It's great to be back with you all and I'll be with you again next Tuesday. Take care. Bye bye.
