For thirty years, ADHD has had one wanted poster. Loud, can't sit still, disrupting the class, talking back — a boy. And you weren't him. So you walked past every checkpoint in your life — the GP, the teachers, the report cards, the parent-teacher nights — and nobody stopped you. Maybe someone said you were bright, you just needed to apply yourself. Maybe you got 'conscientious' on every report card. And conscientious doesn't go with ADHD, does it?

Three different women can all have ADHD. All three can walk straight past that same poster on the wall, and not one of them gets stopped — because not one of them looks like the sketch. This episode is Jane putting three new posters up: the inattentive mum told to try harder, the 'too much' mum who apologises for her personality before she's said a word, and the 'fine' mum everyone leans on who's hanging off a cliff on the inside. See if you find your own face on the wall.

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Chapters

00:00 — The one wanted poster ADHD has had for thirty years

01:25 — Three women, one poster, and why none of them get stopped

02:17 — Who drew the poster — and why the quiet ones were never in the sketch

03:54 — One Monday morning, one clock, four different mothers

04:32 — The neurotypical mum, and where the difference actually shows up

05:54 — Profile 1: the inattentive mum, told her whole life to try harder

07:36 — The planner graveyard — six apps, four planners, three years of fresh starts

08:17 — Profile 2: the mum who's always been 'too much'

09:12 — Apologising for your personality before the conversation starts

09:39 — The drive home, and the tape that runs every single time

11:00 — Profile 3: the mum everyone says is 'fine'

11:50 — 'I don't know how you do it' — and why it doesn't land as a compliment

12:54 — Why she only rests when her body reaches up and stops her

13:35 — The real reason so many of us slipped through — it didn't cost anyone else

15:07 — If you've just been diagnosed: the relief, the grief, and what you can put down

15:56 — How we actually redraw the poster

What We Cover

• The single wanted poster ADHD has been diagnosed against for thirty years — and why your face was never on it
• Why 'conscientious' on every report card was a signal everyone read backwards
• One ordinary Monday school run, four mothers, one clock — and the four completely different mornings happening behind the same front doors
• Profile 1, the inattentive mum: the permission slip she looked at on four separate nights, and why no planner, app or alarm has ever held
• The difference between a neurotypical mum forgetting the form and an ADHD mum forgetting it — it's not the forgetting, it's what happens next
• Profile 2, the 'too much' mum: the verbal hyperactivity nobody put on a poster, and the tape that runs on every drive home
• Why apologising for your own personality before you've started talking should be a diagnostic tick in its own right
• Profile 3, the mum everyone calls 'fine': the one who looks the most together and is the closest to the edge, and why 'I don't know how you do it' makes her feel more alone
• The uncomfortable answer to why so many of us went undiagnosed — not because our ADHD was lighter, but because it only ever cost us
• What there is to feel if you've been diagnosed late — the relief, the grief for what might have been — and the part of it you're allowed to put down
• How the poster actually gets redrawn, and the one small thing that starts it

Free Resources

• Preparing for Diagnosis — for the 'oh, that's me' moment, and what to do next — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/preparing-for-diagnosis/
• After Your Diagnosis Kit — for the relief-and-grief part, if you've already been diagnosed — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mum-after-diagnosis-kit/

Paid Resources

• Pre-Diagnosis Workbook — the deeper 'get clear before you spend money on an assessment' version — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/prediagnosisworkbook/
• Assessment & Diagnosis Bundle — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/bundle-adhd-diagnosis-assessment-guides/

Related Episodes

• Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & the Power of Emotional Intensity — S2 EP83, Jane solo — the deep dive on the 'too much' profile — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/
• ADHD or PTSD? Why So Many Women Are Misdiagnosed — S2 EP82, with Amanda Moses — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-82-adhd-or-ptsd-why-so-many-women-are-misdiagnosed-with-amanda-moses/
• ADHD Mum: What You Need to Know After Your Diagnosis — S2 EP55, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-55-adhd-mum-what-you-need-to-know-after-your-diagnosis-solo-episode-with-jane-mcfadden/

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[00:00:18] Speaker: For 30 years, ADHD has had one wanted poster. Loud, can't sit still, disrupting in class, talking back, a boy. And you weren't him, so you walked past every checkpoint in your life, GPs, teachers, school reports, parent-teacher nights, where maybe someone said something like, "You were bright, but you just needed to apply yourself.

[00:00:46] Speaker: Or maybe you got that word conscientious in every single report card. If I had one word to describe myself in a report card, it would be conscientious. But conscientious and [00:01:00] ADHD doesn't go together, does it? So yet a lot of us have flown under the radar.

[00:01:25] Speaker: I wanna show you the three most common types of ADHD in women I believe should be posters up on the wall

[00:01:35] Speaker: I hope in this episode you go, "Oh, that's the one."

[00:01:59] Speaker: And from this [00:02:00] poster what happens? the screening tools are made, the checklists are made, the pediatrician forms are made, the teacher forms are made, and the whole picture of what ADHD looks like is built off one poster off the wall, and it is my mission on this podcast to create more posters, basically.

[00:02:38] Speaker: However, the ones who quietly hold it together, maybe the ones who are intense but also helpful, maybe the ones carrying everyone else around them were never in the sketches that went up for the posters

[00:03:00] Speaker: A wanted poster only gets drawn for a behavior that someone wants stopped, not a behavior that's convenient, right? A disruptive boy interrupting class, that's inconvenient.

[00:03:29] Speaker: that child is not a problem that anyone's in a hurry to solve. They are actually the system working. Often the daydreaming child doesn't get referred. or if the parent does see something happening, the teacher form gets sent out to the school and the teacher says they don't see anything, and the form is sent back and the pediatrician goes, "Nothing to see here," and gives the parent some parenting courses, and everyone moves on

[00:04:04] Speaker: Same morning, same clock, four mothers. and I'm talking generally here, not every ADHD mom presents like this, and not every neurotypical mom presents like this So let's jump into it.

[00:04:32] Speaker: do you know? Time just disappears. It was eight ten a second ago, and now it's eight thirty-eight and nobody has their shoes on, and she genuinely cannot tell you where the last half an hour went. she's not lazy, she's not disorganized, but time has literally disappeared on her.

[00:05:15] Speaker: So we've got to do that right now. And the third one, The one that a lot of people call stressed or burnout, the combined one. She might have been up since five thirty, she's done everything.

[00:05:40] Speaker: And three of these ADHD mums have probably spent most of their life thinking that she's the only one, that it's her fault, and she doesn't know why she's "snappy," air quotingSo let's take the first one,the inattentive

[00:05:56] Speaker: So many of these women talk about looking directly at the permission [00:06:00] slip on four separate nights And thought, "Yep, tonight," like the form and them had an understanding. "Yep, tonight I'm gonna get to you."

[00:06:37] Speaker: And in those moments, that ADHD mom goes into shame, stress, spiraling. "I'm just not doing well enough. I'm not good enough. I need to try harder. You just need to apply yourself." Now, To just forget a permission form is not ADHD. If a neurotypical mom forgets a form as well, which they do, the difference is what happens [00:07:00] next for her.

[00:07:13] Speaker: She puts steps in place to not forget the form next time, and it works. However, for an ADHD inattentive mom who's been told to try harder her whole life, it is not an exception, it is actually her baseline, and no system will hold it. This is the inattentive mom who's bought four planners six apps, who's done all of the color coding on the family calendar on the fridge, who's got all the alarms.

[00:07:47] Speaker: One thing that isn't talked about enough is it's not just about forgetting. It's about do I also forget the things that I actually care about, the things that I meant to do, where I tried to change the system, [00:08:00] make steps to not do it again, but yet over and over I'm in the same position no matter how hard I try

[00:08:17] Speaker: Number two, the ADHD mum that has been called too much their whole life. I wanna name this one, and I'm gonna try to move on because this one here has got a whole episode in it And it almost never shows up in any form of the poster up on the wall. It's not the running around child who can't stay in their seat.

[00:08:58] Speaker: That is not being chatty on a happy [00:09:00] day. This is someone who apologizes for their personality before they've even started the conversation. Sorry, I'm really intense. I'm just talking a lot because I really care about this. Sorry, I know I can be a lot.

[00:09:12] Speaker: If you've ever apologized for your personality when you introduce yourself, that really, I believe, should be some kind of diagnostic tick

[00:09:39] Speaker: The bit where you went in too hard, told everyone your opinion, you were too passionate, and then you kind of caught someone with a side eye The little, "Oh yeah, okay," that someone does when someone else has been too much, Or the group chat where you overshared and the second that you hit send, you wish you hadn't. then you unsent seven messages, then you edited [00:10:00] eight messages, and then you apologized, and then you send a voicemail saying you are so sorry, and no one had even opened it and when you try to fix it, you try to be less, then you actually overcorrect, you go too quiet, and now people are asking if you're okay, if something's wrong, but you're actually just trying to be a normal person, whatever that is.

[00:10:29] Speaker: It's not just being loud or intense, it's the lifetime of apologizing for it and then berating yourself so hard on the way home, and then never once finding a setting between too much and too quiet.

[00:10:57] Speaker: Number three, the third profile that I just [00:11:00] want up on the wall. That is the ADHD mom that everyone says is fine They are the one that carries kind of both of those inattentive and hyperactivity at the same time

[00:11:37] Speaker: I mean, look at all the help you've got for your children. look at all the action you've taken over here. Look at everything that you've done with your kids. Maybe you're a bit stressed. Maybe it's mum life. I think you're doing really well."

[00:12:08] Speaker: Maybe you feel desperate, burnt out, wrung out, like you're hanging on the side of a cliff on the inside. But then people keep saying, "I don't know how you do it," like it's a good thing, like it's a compliment. And now you're just confused because the gap between how you feel and what they see is so f***ing wide that you don't know who you are anymore.

[00:12:54] Speaker: And that's because she's built her whole identity on being the one who copes and stopping isn't really an [00:13:00] option. she doesn't rest because she's earned it. She stops when her body reaches up and stops her and says, "Sit the f down." Nobody sees it, including her.

[00:13:18] Speaker: Now that was the inattentive, the hyperactive and define ADHD Mum profiles

[00:13:35] Speaker: If you've had someone ask you the question like, "How have you gotten this far without help? Oh, you've got a pretty good life or you've coped pretty well, you must be fine. You don't need help

[00:14:08] Speaker: The forgetful one still coped. The too much one was exhausting, sure, but she was also really helpful. And the one who volunteered remembered everyone's stuff, who filled the gaps in all of the group projects. The together one who carried everything for everyone else. none of those profiles has made anyone else's life harder except for your own.

[00:14:41] Speaker: And often I wonder when the teacher gets that form about what they see in the classroom, they might be thinking to themselves, "I wish I had more kids like that." But maybe the inside of that child, what they're showing at home isn't.

[00:15:07] Speaker: Maybe we slipped through because we didn't inconvenience people around us

[00:15:18] Speaker: If you're listening to this and you've been diagnosed with ADHD, there are so many different things to feel. There's relief that finally there's a reason. Maybe there's grief for what you didn't achieve or the lack of opportunities, Maybe there's been things in your life that you feel that could have been different if you had have had medication or a diagnosis.

[00:15:41] Speaker: holding yourself up to a standard of what you could have been if you had have been diagnosed or medicated earlier is measuring yourself against a picture that was never you. But there is a part of you that's yours now if you're listening to this, and you can put that down

[00:16:17] Speaker: Maybe the first step to being diagnosed with ADHD is not taking on the extra job. God knows, I'm sure you've got enough jobs. But by recognizing yourself in your own poster, pointing out that the poster on the wall is not right, is the first step to us seeing real change Because there are other children in the back of the classrooms right now who are staring out the window, who are getting report cards that says, "Not trying hard enough, too chatty, doesn't apply herself And she's walking to the exact same checkpoints that we walk to with the exact same poster on the wall that doesn't have your face on it and getting turned away.

[00:17:06] Speaker: That is when the diagnosis forms, the teacher forms, the parent forms, the pediatrician forms, the assessment criteria actually changes. And that is the way that we get children who don't present exactly like the stigma, to actually get the help that we wish we had have gotten years ago

[00:17:45] Speaker: But to replace the poster, to try to do something different, something new, we need to spread the message of what ADHD looks like in women and girls and children. So please Share the episode with a friend or someone that you know, because

[00:18:10] Speaker: We need to keep talking about this