What if “try” isn’t the problem… but the doorway?

In this episode, I take you into a quiet round pen in the Flint Hills of Kansas, where a gray mare is learning to carry a rider for the very first time. What unfolds there is a powerful lesson about willingness, curiosity, and how real change actually happens.

We’ve been told that try is a cop-out. That it’s weak. That it’s not enough. But horses know better. Try is where trust lives. It’s where learning begins. And it’s often the missing ingredient between resistance and ease.

In this episode, I explore the difference between reacting and responding, how our early conditioning shapes the way we handle feedback and change, and why building on “almost right” can lead to resilience, confidence, and joy. Whether you’re leading a business, learning something new, or simply trying to tune into your own happiness, this episode invites you to soften, get curious, and give yourself permission to build a ton of try.

A few years ago, I wrote a blog post for my Lessons from the Ranch blog, and I'd like to share that with you here Today.

It's about finding your try.

Try is a word that's gotten a bad rap.

Coaches and gurus alike shun this word as an out or a dodge.

Yoda's famous and often used quote do or do not.

There is no try is frequently bandied about.

And all of that is great until it's not.

Sometimes you have to build in the try, also known as willingness, before you can access that do it attitude.

Horses teach us this lesson amazingly well, and they show us that try can lead you to peace and ease.

So join me at the round pen where a friend of mine and I are watching a cowboy start a young mare under saddle.

It's a quiet setting, a round pen made out in an open pasture surrounded by the Flint Hills of Kansas.

I'm here to photograph.

The friend is here to observe.

The sun is shining and it's a good day to be outdoors breathing fresh air.

The mare is a simple gray and she is in the phase of her training where she is ready to learn how to carry a rider.

The cowboy has introduced the saddle and has gotten on and off of her several times.

Now is the time for her to take her first step forward, carrying his body weight.

Her body is a bit tensed, not with fear, but concentration.

She's unsure of this new weight and balance above her.

Her ears, which show where her focus is at every moment, are shifted back on the cowboy as he asks her to move her head to the left and take a step forward.

She doesn't move.

She is stuck, something that happens frequently to colts on their first ride.

She's never done this before.

She has only a limited experience on which to draw.

To find the right answer from someone who doesn't speak her language, there is a decided communication barrier.

Being the smarter of the two species.

Hopefully the cowboy has to be the one who overcomes this roadblock.

It is his job to be consistent, patient and persistent with her in taking that first step.

But the mare has a responsibility here as well.

She has to respond or that step will never happen, or worse, it will turn into a wreck.

It is a dance that goes nowhere for several moments.

Finally, the gray mare tips her nose ever so slightly to the cowboy's request.

He has made it clear he wants something, but she's not exactly sure what, so she tries opening up a possible answer.

Her weight shifts on her feet.

In the process, the cowboy releases the pressure on the reins in the moment, she tips her nose in the correct direction and that shift takes place.

His action answers her question with a yes.

Then he asks again.

He knows that the shift of weight means the next thing is a step.

She moves her head the other way against the pressure.

This time he doesn't release.

She thinks a moment and moves back into the direction of the range, shifting her weight again.

He releases.

As the lesson continues, we see this process happen over and over again through her first steps into her first turns as she gains confidence to trot and then lope in this new way of being.

At every new experience, the cowboy asks, she searches for the answer.

They dance until he explains it in a way her curiosity can sort it out and answer the question correctly.

She has a ton of try.

My friend says.

Yes, I say and add, so does he, and I nod to the cowboy doing the training.

For the rest of the day, I'm thinking about that ton of try and how it applies to my life and my business.

Sometimes I am the gray mare and my mentors and coaches are like the cowboy.

They want to show me the way, but it's all new and weird and perhaps I don't have the vocabulary yet to speak their same language.

What they're saying doesn't make sense to me.

In those moments, I need to get quiet and connect to my try.

I need to thoughtfully search for my answer to their request.

I need to be aware when I'm resisting against an ungiving force and when I feel the release of a correct response that makes life easy for me.

Finding this kind of try is rooted in responding, not reacting.

So many times as humans, we have been conditioned to react instead of respond criticism, even positive criticism.

When learning something new and different can cause us to experience a guttural reaction that sets us off balance with fear and uncertainty.

Back in the round pen, the gray mare responded to the cowboy because he had built trust around her natural try.

He did this by laying a foundation in her earlier training of encouraging her almost correct responses, not punishing her incorrect responses.

He built in the resilience she needed to succeed.

What if we did that for ourselves?

When we train horses, if we react to their mistakes with drama, we create anxiety.

Whenever that horse has to learn a new skill, the outcome of that anxiety is usually painful for both the horse and the human.

If, on the other hand, we build in a no big deal, let's try that a different way attitude, we will build on that ton of try.

That same principle works in our lives, both in leading ourselves and others.

We can build in fear and resistance, or we can build in try.

One leads to unhappiness, fear and resentment.

The other one leads to joy and ease.

In animal training, this concept of behavioral conditioning is incredibly key in the difference between a confident, willing partnership between an animal and a human versus a relationship that is built on the loose rocks of force and intimidation.

As humans, we can become easily conditioned to the latter if we've had people in our lives who traumatized our mistakes or failed to reward our small tries so they could grow into bigger tries later on in our lives.

Luckily, we can become mindful enough of our own selves to consciously choose shifting reactions into responses with some practice, that is.

In my own life, I grew up with parents who had high expectations of success and were very vocal about calling out mistakes.

It was a habit passed down from generation to generation, and it's anyone's guess as to where it began.

One of the true gifts of age is the wisdom to see how the pieces of your world came to be shaped the way they did.

Regardless of where it came from.

The result landed on me as a young person and affected the way I approached course corrections from not only my parents, but my mentors and coaches and teachers and everyone.

Even into adulthood, I sometimes tend to be resistant to even positive change.

I often rebel against not only authority, but suggestion.

My mother called it being bullheaded.

It took me several years to see that bullheadedness was often my reaction rearing up versus a level headed response emerging from a mindful consideration.

I realize that now if I stop and take some time to be thoughtful about the situation, that is, I can find the space to search for my own answer and choose my own response.

That choice is the key.

When I flip this relationship around and put myself in the cowboy's boots, the view is different but equally as important.

As an entrepreneur, as a leader, as a coach and mentor myself, I have to be mindful in building on the try in my approach to my business itself as well as my associates and clients and my own family.

When I dramatize or react instead of responding, I realize now I am building resistance which does not a single bit of good for anyone.

When I stop and look for the close or almost correct response, I am able to build in not only the steps I need to take to reach that goal, but also the flexibility to be open to answers that I personally haven't even considered.

This is a practice I have to work at each and every day.

It does not always come easy.

This tri skill is rooted in curiosity and creativity.

Back in the round pen, that first step for the gray mare was hella hard.

Even though horses are primarily flight animals, there are times when their feet get stuck with uncertainty.

This serves them well in some situations, but not when it comes to training.

In order for her to learn her riding lesson, the mare had to move at all her speeds and discover for herself what she needed to create balance.

No matter what gait she needed to use, the cowboy needed to pose the question, will this get you to move your feet over and over again until the gray mare took a step forward?

To do this well, he had to break that question down into tiny steps and then build it back up again to become a fully formed cue.

The end result will become the ability for the cowboy to shift his weight in the saddle and the gray mare to move forward.

The start of this process always requires curiosity.

If I do this, will this happen?

Okay, that didn't work.

How about this?

Or this close?

Let's try that again.

Sometimes it also requires creativity because, let's face it, when you don't speak the same language as the being you're trying to communicate with, you have to look around for anything and everything that might help.

When we cowboy this way, we see whether it's a goal we want to reach or an outcome for a specific project, or to help an associate or client learn a skill.

If we start with curiosity, we open the door for the most possibility.

We also shift the outcome of succeed or fail into finding a solution.

I can tell you unequivocally, this shift is a huge one for your own personal mental health.

Curiosity's kissing cousin is that creativity.

We don't always think of business or frankly, horse training either as inherently creative tasks.

But I assure you that both of them are just that.

And also tuning into your own happiness is exactly that, a creative endeavor.

Creativity is one of those amazing principles that, like curiosity, automatically shifts your mindset from resistance to openness.

Many times when I apply a creative approach to any problem in my life, I am rewarded with an awesome solution that I wasn't even aware was a possibility when the problem presented itself to me.

The creative process itself unlocks opportunities you would not have found any other way.

As you move through your life in the next few days, I'd like for you to take some time and think about how you can apply a ton of try to your day to day, especially in terms of finding happiness and joy in tuning into it, in relating to it.

Is there a place in your life that you are resistant either in your own being another person or even in the doing of a specific task.

And when you find that stop.

Become the gray mirror for a moment and thoughtfully seek for the right response versus the reaction that you are inclined to move toward.

The one that loosens things up a bit actually moves you towards happiness and joy versus causing you to tense up in it.

Build step by step on the responses that work and don't over dramatize the ones that don't.

Become the cowboy by getting curious and creative.

If I try this, will this get me what I'm looking for?

Keep asking until you find the answer with a ton of try.

Thank you for hanging out with me today.

I'll see you in the next episode.