Speaker:
hi I'm Tracy and I'm Lena and we love
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Healing Children in fact we're the
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co-owners and founders of Healing
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Children LLC and this is our podcast The
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Bumpy Road to Healing where we get real
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about what children need emotionally and
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how best to support them we skip the
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fluff and get right to the heart of it
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so one of the most important parts of
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our house is the relationship it's a
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hugely important piece with working kids
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right them knowing that we like them we
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enjoy being with them u is a huge part
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to connecting yes and that that
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connection and that's why it is the
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foundation of the house but it's tough
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right when we have kids who are running
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from us when we have students who are um
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refusing to do what we ask maybe they're
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throwing a temper tantrum when we're
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having them do their math problem um or
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maybe they're even making fun of us you
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know if you're in high school the kids
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might be like rolling their eyes or or
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saying something rude it's like throwing
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stuff at you and whining and screaming
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and yelling and all that yeah it's great
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fun so how do we It's like how do we how
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do we make those connections with kids
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because it is a vital part and sometimes
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they'll do things for us that they
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wouldn't necessarily do for themselves
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if they're connected right yes if
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they're connected so we want we want
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that connection so how do we get that i
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mean what are there's some things that
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you and I have talked about and one of
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them is really in some ways getting to
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their level and being on their level
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without being on their level right
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without like sinking down into doing
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what they're doing but it's still having
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fun with them on their level yeah so
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it's finding a way to connect with them
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uhhuh still maintaining that you're the
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authority figure but you're finding a
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way to connect with them in a way that's
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fun for you and fun for them right right
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yes so there's there was one story you
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talked about of a student that you did
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this with that you've known for years
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like you've known him for a super long
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time and you worked with him when he was
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really little yes he was really little
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um
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and wasn't speaking much when I first
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met him and he was a runner so he would
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run and leave group your eyes weren't on
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him he was misbehaving throwing things
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doing all kinds of stuff so there were a
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few things I had to do with him during
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that time when he was really little and
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one is you know when I set up the room
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there was somebody sitting right next to
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the door so he couldn't escape well
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would he try to escape oh he would try
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to escape so what would they do just
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like Well they they the door was closed
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and they were sitting next to so he
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couldn't escape so he kind of would like
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think about it and then just Yeah he
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couldn't do it and I also knew if my
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eyes were off of him then he was up and
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running so I would sit him dead center
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of this little group okay and so there
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was somebody with the door so good
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escape he was dead center so even if I
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was looking at this kid over here I had
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one eye on him uhhuh and this kid over
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here and so he also knew if he got up I
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was
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like sit down and he listened to Yes and
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he learned to listen to me right so then
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years later I'm working with him in
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another situation and every time he sees
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me this is what he does
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and so every time I see him I do that
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back
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and then he starts laughing and he'll
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say "You were my teacher and you did
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this to me." And I was like "Yep and now
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look how great you're doing." He's doing
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so good see this is like a really good
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discipline technique it works yes um and
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then even the other day he was doing it
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to me and he likes to tell people that
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you know that I used to teach him and
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he's like and he says to me you did this
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to me you were mean to me and he said I
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was not mean you were naughty
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called him out yes and then he said I'm
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not naughty anymore i'm like no you're
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not like he has grown so much it's so
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fun to see but that's kind of our little
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thing your way still his way of trying
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to connect to you and then you can
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connect connect right back so it's on
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his level but I'm still the authority
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figure like I'm not giving away my
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authority as an adult but we're
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connecting you're connect and it's so
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And he thinks it's fun he thinks it's
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hilarious yeah to tell everybody he
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thinks it's fun well and I think it's
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it's figuring out what is it about that
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because that's a part of connection
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that's so hard to like explain and
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really break down but yet teachers who
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know how to do that have the best
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relationships with their students and
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sometimes you don't even need as much
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discipline because you have you have
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that ability to connect on that level
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and and part of it is maybe the kids
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know that you will discipline so it's
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not like oh this is the teacher where I
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can do whatever I want they're not going
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to hold me accountable it's not like
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that it's like I know they're going to
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follow through but yet they're hilarious
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and they know how to kind of meet me
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with where I'm at kind of make fun of us
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you know like you're kind of making fun
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of the situation a little bit right like
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I don't I wasn't worried about whether
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he liked me or not when he was little i
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still held him accountable because I
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believed in him yeah yeah so I'm sure he
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felt that and I still believed in him
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but I think he knows I just genuinely
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really like him and you also knew
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there's a couple things you knew you
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knew how to put preventative strategies
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in so you knew like okay he's a runner
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he wants to leave i got to put someone
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by the door yeah and you can't always do
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that in the classroom because of fire
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code this was a different situation
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right so for this situation you could do
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that you also knew I got to keep my eye
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on him all the time so I got to see him
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right in front dead center dead center
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so I can still attend to the other kids
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uhhuh but he's dead center dead center
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so there was a few things that you knew
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to do to keep that behavior under
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control yeah and we did social stories
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and I did other things where I worked
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with him on that so I think that's a
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piece to this puzzle too but then I also
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think the fun of the finger point right
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and you have fun with it and he has fun
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with it yes and it's a way to connect
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every single time he sees that's
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hilarious well you had another story of
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a student who was in group with you and
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you had him go out and strong which is
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one of our techniques we're not going to
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go into today and what was he saying
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about you again like what so this is a
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kid who actually he had had a tough life
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been in refugee camp yeah started in New
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York City um so he kind of had some gang
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mentality and then came to Idaho okay
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you know and I had who were kind of hips
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right so that was something I also Some
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people might be offended by that but I'm
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one of them so it's okay it's all good
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it's all good i can cut that out um we
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don't have Well we might have some gangs
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but not many not many we do have some
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but he would that whole gang mentality
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so there was one time he was doing it so
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a couple times I teased about a couple
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things but one time I just looked at him
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and I just pulled my hick out and said
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"Dude we're gonna have
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a we are pits out here."
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Um but another time what did he do to
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that he just started laughing and kind
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of dropped the attitude a little bit so
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he had a good sense of humor too and
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another time he had to go stand strong
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because he I can't remember he'd broken
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one of the rules in group and that's
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just one of the things we do for group
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and I could hear him in the hallway with
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the person who was working him through
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the stand strong and he was just like
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that lucy Weaver she thinks she's so
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tough she just thinks she's so tough and
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so I went out in the hallway and I said
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"Do you want to see my guns?" And I just
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showed him my
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guns and he just started busting up
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finished his strong stand and came back
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in did the group procedures and
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unfortunately had to he moved away like
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a month later or something but he gave
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me a big hug oh yeah it was too bad he
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had to move i know so I was like "Oh
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this is so fun." I know i just remember
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hearing mother like "She thinks she's
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done." You're like "All right everyone
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have fun with him have fun with this."
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Because he's already getting the
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discipline right so he's in that
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position where he has the consequence
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he's getting the discipline i don't need
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to be like slamming anything more well
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yeah and you don't need to be taking
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this comment about you being so tough so
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seriously or taking it personally yeah
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so I think there's a couple rules when
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we're talking about this to keep in mind
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um because I think this is also somewhat
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of a skill that can be learned by a lot
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of educ educators like some of you out
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there so great at this naturally um but
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I also think it can be learned and so I
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think there's a couple things we need to
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be thinking about number one is liking
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the kid yes right that's always like
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when we like kids and they know that we
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like them we can you can have fun yeah
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right and they know that it's in fun
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it's not to be mean and it's not to
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control right that's enough that's
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that's the second step it's not about
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controlling them it's about accepting
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them and accepting this is where he's at
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right he's in group dealing with
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behavior he doesn't like it that's okay
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he doesn't have to like it but he needs
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it for his growth and so we're going to
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just have fun with it when he was kind
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of complaining about it basically okay
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um and kind of whether he changes or not
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makes no difference
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i I I'm doing my job the consequences
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are in place right the boundaries are in
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place we've got the structure i'm doing
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my job his job is to decide whether he's
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going to make those changes and you'll
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like him either way it's like I'm here
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either way i like you either way whether
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you change is up to you it's your
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decision is it affects you the most okay
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that's good and then I think another
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really important part is accepting
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ourselves right is accepting that we are
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the authority which you know not
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everybody loves being the authority some
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people love it but other people don't
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love it for a variety of reasons which
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we do i mean we go into that in depth in
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one of our promises right but yes like
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accepting because once you accept
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yourself and who you are and you have a
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good self-concept you don't feel a need
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to be accepted by the kids exactly so
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it's like it's not about me being your
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best friend this is more about me um
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having fun with you and enjoying being
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with you as the authority figure that I
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am with you absolutely and then it's
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also there's also a couple other things
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that I think are really important with
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relationship building and it's more like
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scientific right yes so it's things that
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release oxytocin it's things that we
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want to be doing with our students every
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day if we can like if you're a teacher
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you want to be trying to do this with
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students every day um depending on you
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know if you're secondary elementary
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might look a little bit different but
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the first one is positive eye contact
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and notice I said positive so it's not
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like this and it might not be when she's
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the he did get a laugh afterwards yeah
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so it really is I like you i enjoy you
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so it's looking with and so even when I
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do this to him but my eyes are not true
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you're not mad they can read that anger
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see the anger and then the physical
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touch which we work in the schools so
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that's varying like physical touch with
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kinder versus physical touch with you
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know seniors in high school although I
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yeah this
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this all appropriate physical touches
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that you could do at any level and
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what's interesting oh yeah oh yeah this
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would be great for guys that gets
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physical touch in yeah and what's
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interesting with like my kinders like I
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have them do like shaking hands when
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they step out in group and like people
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will walk by like stop and they're like
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oh cuz it's new little kid like shaking
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my hand and being so grown up right
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being mature and having fun with being
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mature um those three things are a game
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changer you forgot to smile smile that
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was only two that you should we're going
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to get the third which is smiling yeah
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but it's not the Well it's not the It's
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a real one
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so you might want to just do that in the
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morning when they come in before they've
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had a chance to behave yes get all three
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of those things in in the morning right
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before they before they've done anything
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they're not supposed to do yeah you're
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more likely to It's not It's not
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foolproof right but it's more likely to
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increase the likelihood of them bonding
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with you it's you're bonding with them
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as well and then because you're both
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bonding with each other there's that
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acceptance there and they're more likely
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to follow the rules that you set yeah
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absolutely and then I think the last one
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is just thinking they're funny oh yes
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there's a couple of staff members um
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that I work with that just they think
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the kids are hilarious and the kids love
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them yes and kids are funny oh yeah they
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are so much fun even when they're being
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kind of naughty it's entertaining yes i
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mean it might create some work for us
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but they're still really fun and finding
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that fun with them yeah so hopefully
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you've learned some things right some
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things that you can do with your
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students to get that connection and get
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that relationship that foundation of the
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house yeah so if you like what you're
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hearing and you want to learn more you
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can go to our website at
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www.healingchildrenlc.org on our website
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you can read more about who we
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are you can look at our online
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trainings you can also look at our blogs
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on a variety of
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topics you can see our most new and
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up-to-date podcasts you can also engage
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with us in a variety of ways such as
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liking us or following us on social
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media you can even hire us to come
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in or you could email us or call us
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exactly make sure that you sign up for
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our email list so that you can get the
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latest information about what we have to
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offer including live trainings in your
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area yes so let the healing begin
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thank you for joining our podcast The
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Bumpy Road to Healing the Bumpy Road to
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Healing is sponsored by Healing Children
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LLC we are both educators and mental
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health professionals which gives us a
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unique perspective on working with
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children both in and out of the school
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setting who have severe emotional and
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behavioral concerns our mission is for
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all children to be emotionally healthy
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happy mature and responsible as adults
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establish healthy relationships and
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appropriate boundaries we believe that
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children are more likely to grow and
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prosper when adults understand the
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impact of trauma entitlement disruptive
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attachment and child development
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including conscious development they can
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better create healing environments for
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children to learn more about us and what
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we have to offer go to
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www.healingchildrenlc.org
