Have you ever asked for something reasonable and been met with defensiveness, silence, or being told you’re “too much”?

In this episode, I talk about why closeness can feel threatening in some family relationships — and how one person often ends up doing all the emotional work.

Key Takeaways

• When one person avoids emotional conversations and the other tries harder to fix things, the relationship becomes exhausting.
• Brief moments of closeness don’t matter if nothing actually changes afterward.
• Guilt is not proof that you did something wrong — it’s often a learned response to stepping out of an old role.
• You can’t earn emotional connection from someone who avoids it.
• Modelling healthy relationships for kids means showing shared responsibility, not self-sacrifice.

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Breaking Generational Patterns Starts With Self-Awareness

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Life lessons on personal growth, understanding ourselves better, and healthier relationships — so we can choose to show up differently for the children watching us.

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📕Making the Team: Jack’s Missed Goal

📕I Believe You: Self-Care When Your Parent Struggles Emotionally

📕Living With Grandma and Grandpa: Jack and Alice’s Challenges

📕 When Someone You Love Has Cancer: Lily & Zach Learn About Grief

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(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) The other day I asked a simple, reasonable question while I was

working.

Can this be done later when I'm not working and don't need

to focus?

What followed wasn't a conversation, it was defensiveness, name calling, and my

husband walking out the door, then hours later, acting like nothing had

ever happened.

This moment captured a pattern I've lived in for years, where asking

for consideration triggers dismissal, and closeness feels like a threat.

So why does this interaction happen more times than anyone cares to

count in some family relationships?

Let's break it down.

Welcome to Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate.

If you're done with people pleasing, tired of repeating the same patterns,

and ready to learn what healthy relationships actually look like, you're in

the right place.

I get it, I was there too.

At 65, I started learning the things I wish I'd known decades

ago, how to see the patterns, why we keep repeating them, and

how to treat ourselves with more respect.

Each week, I share real life lessons to help you understand yourself

better, recognize unhealthy patterns sooner, and stop repeating them, so you

can break the cycle instead of passing it on to your children.

You'll find today's lesson written as a blog post in the show

notes if you prefer to read.

New episodes drop every Thursday, so hit that subscribe button.

And if something here resonates, leaving a quick review helps others find

their way here too.

And if what I've shared speaks to you, I also send a

free weekly newsletter, a one minute read, just 100 words, delivered every

Monday morning with one reflection on loving yourself more, being your own

person, and choosing yourself without guilt.

You'll find the link in the show notes.

Like a lighthouse, steady and strong, let's all shine a little brighter

today.

If you're in a relationship where you're the one who always carries

the responsibility for talking things through, explaining how you feel, or

trying to repair problems while the other person stays calm, distant, or

unaffected, then this dynamic becomes exhausting for you over time.

At first, the relationship has very little conflict.

The other person keeps their emotions intact, handles problems on their own,

and stays calm during arguments.

To you, this looks like a healthy relationship if you grew up

around chaos, blame, and emotional instability.

However, over time, something begins to change.

You start to notice that you are the one always starting the

tough conversations, asking where things stand in the relationship, and

clearing up any misunderstandings.

As you do this more and more, you then notice the other

person pulls back, changes the subject, and minimizes what you say.

This is the anxious dismissive avoidance dance, in which each person repeats

learned behavior from earlier relationships, beginning in childhood.

The anxious partner is trying to earn consistent attention, keeping plans, and

having those tough conversations by staying engaged and fixing the

relationship.

On the other hand, the dismissive avoidant partner is protecting themselves

from those long emotional conversations, pressure around plans and commitments,

and being told they are doing something wrong.

As a result, each person's way of staying safe triggers the other.

If you are the anxious person, you may experience a fantastic weekend,

an occasional apology, a moment of closeness that feels warm and hopeful.

To you, these moments are proof that connection is possible.

But then the distance returns.

Conversations become shorter again, emotional availability fades, and you are

left trying to understand what the heck happened, while the other person

doesn't even see a problem.

For you, this cycle is emotionally draining.

What is often misunderstood is what is happening with the dismissive avoidant

partner.

They believe they are not meeting the other person's expectations.

They feel watched, judged, or corrected during emotional conversations.

They start to think they are doing everything wrong, even when they

are trying.

Pulling away is how they reduce this pressure.

By going quiet, changing the subject, or creating distance, they stop the

conversations that make them feel criticized and unable to succeed.

This is not just about words or communication.

It's how each partner's body reacts when the relationship feels tense or

uncertain.

For the anxious partner, the nervous system moves into fight or flight.

The body stays alert, tense, and on guard.

You watch for changes in tone, silence, or distance.

You replay conversations, look for mistakes, and feel a strong urge to

fix the problem quickly.

Reaching out, talking it through, and restoring closeness becomes the way your

body tries to calm itself.

The dismissive avoidant partner's nervous system responds in the opposite way.

Their body moves towards shutdown.

Emotional conversations feel intense and hard to manage, so they create

distance.

They go quiet, disengage, or focus on tasks to settle their body

and regain control.

Over time, this is how anxious partners often become scapegoated in the

relationship, because you are the one noticing problems, naming them, and

pushing for repair, ending up carrying most of the emotional work.

Gradually, you are labeled as too sensitive, too emotional, or the problem.

You begin to doubt your needs and question your reactions.

You tell yourself that if you were calmer or asked for less,

the relationship would finally feel stable.

This is not about one person being the problem.

It is a relationship where one person works to keep the connection

going while the other controls when closeness happens.

One holds on to hope and keeps trying.

The other limits how close the relationship becomes.

Over time, both feel misunderstood and both become worn down.

The challenge is not explaining yourself more clearly or working harder to

be understood.

The challenge is noticing when you are carrying emotional responsibility that

is not being shared.

Closeness, repair, and emotional safety require two people, not one person

trying and another deciding when to show up.

Here is a recent example from my life that portrays this anxious

dismissive avoidance.

The other day, I was working on my business during my scheduled

work hours when my husband started using a shark robotic vacuum cleaner

that was loud and distracting.

At first, I let it go.

But after about 15 minutes of constant noise and feeling my resentment

build, I asked a reasonable question.

How much longer will this take?

Can we do this at a different time when I'm not working?

Instead of a conversation, I was met with accusatory remarks.

I was told I was ungrateful because the vacuum had been bought

for the family.

In reality, this was something I hadn't asked for, didn't want, and

that actually stresses my dog Benji out.

I was then told, you're unreal.

The vacuum abruptly stopped.

There was no further discussion, no repair.

My husband folded laundry from the dryer, left it on the floor,

and walked out of the house.

The issue was left unaddressed, my request wasn't acknowledged, and the

conversation was never returned to.

Later that night, my husband spoke to me as if nothing had

happened, as if the name calling, the dismissal, and the walking away

didn't exist.

Reset button pressed.

Move on.

And that's where the pattern becomes clear.

In the past, I would have been the one to apologize.

I would have chased connection.

I would have tried to smooth things over and taken responsibility for

fixing what I didn't break.

I would have made myself smaller to restore the peace.

That's the anxious dismissive trap.

One person dismisses the other person's needs and avoids accountability, while

the other person works harder, apologizing more, explaining more, doing more,

trying to earn connection.

However, this time I didn't apologize.

I didn't chase, and I didn't try to fix it.

Because I'm recognizing the pattern for what it is, and I'm learning

that you can't earn emotional connection from someone who avoids it as

a way of coping.

This didn't come easy, but I have learned ways to handle this

when it happens.

Here are five of them.

I hope they can help you also.

Number one.

Stop decoding tone and notice patterns.

I stopped trying to figure out what someone meant and started paying

attention to what kept happening.

When there are brief moments of connection, but nothing actually changes

afterward, that's not confusion.

That's a pattern.

And number two.

Guilt is not proof you did something wrong.

For years I treated guilt as a moral compass.

Now I see it as a learned response that shows up when

I stop fixing things for other people.

Feeling guilty does not mean I caused harm.

Number three.

Some relationships depend on you being easily available.

When you stop dropping everything, over-explaining, or putting other people's

priorities ahead of your own, some people react negatively.

They question your choices or criticize your behavior.

That reaction tells you the relationship was comfortable only when you were

easily available.

And number four.

Emotional labor is not a requirement for love.

A healthy relationship does not rely on one person managing the conversations,

the repairs, and the emotional weight.

If the connection only works when you carry the load, that tells

you something about the relationship.

And number five.

Ask whether a relationship allows you to exist fully.

The question I ask now is simple.

Does this relationship make space for my life or does it require

me to shrink?

If showing up fully creates tension, the issue is not your needs.

When it comes to modeling healthy relationships for kids, the goal isn't

to get it right all the time.

It's to show what it looks like to notice patterns and respond

differently.

In anxious dismissive dynamics, children often see one person chasing

connection while the other shuts down or avoids.

You can model something healthier by not forcing conversations, not over

explaining, and not taking responsibility for everyone's emotions.

Repairs matter too.

You can own your part without owning the whole situation.

When children see that repair requires effort from more than one person,

they learn that healthy relationships are shared, not managed by one trying

harder.

It also helps to talk about patterns instead of blaming people.

Saying things like, I notice when things get uncomfortable, one person pulls

away and the other pushes harder.

This teaches kids to understand relationships without shame.

That's how they learn that connection doesn't require disappearing or over

functioning.

It requires awareness and shared effort.

If closeness feels hard or tense in your family relationships, it doesn't

mean you're doing something wrong.

It usually means you're the one trying to talk things through while

someone else avoids it.

Noticing that isn't dramatic or selfish.

It's paying attention to what's actually happening.

Understanding this pattern doesn't mean you fix the relationship or change the

other person.

It means you stop blaming yourself for the distance.

You stop apologizing for wanting conversation, consistency, or respect.

You start trusting what you see instead of explaining it away.

And that's the shift.

Not trying harder.

Not shrinking.

Just choosing not to carry what isn't yours anymore.

When connection is shared, it feels steady.

When it isn't, no amount of effort from one person will make

it so.

Whether you're starting to understand yourself more clearly, working through

old family dynamics, or learning to do things differently, you're building the

skills that help you grow into the person you're meant to be.

Listening is important, but real change happens when you use what you've

learned.

So choose just one life lesson from today and try it out

this week.

That's when things begin to shift.

And if you want more life lessons like this, be sure to

follow Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate on Instagram and Facebook.

And if no one has told you lately, everything will be okay.

Tomorrow is a new day and with it comes new hope.

As I conclude this episode, I must state that this podcast is

designed solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

While I bring my experience as a parent and grandparent, it's essential

that you know, I am not a licensed therapist.

This podcast is not a substitute for professional advice from a physician,

professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

Got it?

Awesome.

Until next time, what is one thing you are grateful for?