Have you ever spoken up about something unfair, only to have the conversation turn to your tone, your reaction, or your personality? You pointed out the problem, but somehow, you became the problem.
In a toxic family system, this is often how the truth-teller becomes the scapegoat. So why does telling the truth feel like betrayal to some families?
What You Will Discover:
What it means to be the family truth-teller
Why toxic family systems often attack the person who names the problem
5 actionable life lessons to help you speak up without losing yourself in the process.
The Lessons For Life With Gramma Kate Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker are presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified healthcare professional, nor is it intended to diagnose or treat any medical condition. Users should not disregard or delay obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should consult their healthcare professional for any such conditions.
Transcripts
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(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Welcome to Lessons for Life with Grandma Kay.
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Have you ever spoken up about something unfair, only to have the
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conversation turn to your tone, your reaction, or your personality?
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You pointed out the problem, but somehow you became the problem.
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In a toxic family system, this is often how the truth teller
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becomes the scapegoat.
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So why does telling the truth feel like betrayal to some families?
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At 65, I started learning the things I wish I'd known decades
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ago, like how to see the patterns, why we keep repeating them,
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and how to finally treat ourselves with the respect we always deserve.
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And one of those patterns is what happens when one person starts
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naming what everyone else would rather ignore.
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In this episode, you'll discover what the family truth teller role is,
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why toxic family systems often attack the person who names the problem,
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and five actionable life lessons to help you speak up without losing
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yourself in the process.
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Like a lighthouse, steady and strong, let's all shine a little brighter
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today.
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Every family has its own story about what happens within it.
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In a healthy family, people can question that story, talk about problems,
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and take responsibility when someone has been hurt.
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In a toxic family system, certain subjects are taboo.
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The family truth teller is the person who notices what others ignore
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and says what others are unwilling to say.
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Truth tellers usually aren't reacting to a single isolated incident.
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They notice patterns that persist over time.
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They may question unfair treatment, double standards, favoritism, manipulation,
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addiction, abuse, or the difference between the family's public image and what
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happens behind closed doors.
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They don't create the dysfunction, but they sure as heck make it
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harder for everyone else to deny it.
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There is no single truth teller personality, but many share certain qualities.
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They may be observant, independent thinkers who are sensitive to unfairness and
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willing to ask difficult questions.
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Some are also direct communicators who find it hard to pretend everything
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is fine when they know it isn't.
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When the truth teller speaks up, they may be called difficult, dramatic,
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disrespectful, angry, or too sensitive.
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The truth teller speaks up, hoping to change the unhealthy behavior, but
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the family changes the story, making the truth teller the problem instead.
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Over time, the truth teller may begin questioning their own memory and
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judgment.
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They may wonder whether they really are too sensitive or whether they
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should have stayed quiet.
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For the truth teller, this pattern can follow them into friendships, romantic
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relationships, and the workplace.
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They may once again become the person who notices unfairness, asks the
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uncomfortable questions, or speaks when everyone else remains silent.
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Speaking honestly is not the problem, and staying silent is not always
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the answer.
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The challenge is learning to trust what you see without trying to
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convince everyone else.
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You can tell the truth, make decisions based on what you know,
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and stop sacrificing yourself in the hope that unwilling people will finally
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admit that you were right.
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I have been a truth teller for as long as I can
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remember, especially when I see someone being treated unfairly.
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But strangely enough, I haven't always found it as easy to speak
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up for myself.
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After being dismissed or blamed often enough, I learned to question my
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own experience while continuing to defend other people.
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I first learned in my family that speaking up for myself could
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lead to more blame, but I couldn't help myself when I saw
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someone else being treated unfairly, especially little ones.
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Here's an example that happened in my volunteer work.
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This past fall, I returned to continue my volunteering with helping primary
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students with reading at a local school.
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It was my third year, and I loved both the work and
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the students.
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I already knew many of the children because I'd been helping them
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for the previous two years.
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In one class, there was a student who sometimes struggled with his
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behavior around others and needed additional support.
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I never experienced that behavior when we worked together.
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He responded well to me, and at the beginning of the school
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year, I was able to help him with his reading.
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Then shortly afterward, I was told that an educational assistant had raised
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a concern with their union that my work with this student was
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taking work away from the educational assistant.
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I couldn't believe it.
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I was a volunteer trying to help a child who wanted and
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needed that one-on-one reading support.
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The school stopped me from working with him independently, but I was
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still in his classroom twice a week, and every time I walked
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in, he would beg me to help him.
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He had no idea what was happening behind the scenes.
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At one point, the principal said I could work with him if
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someone supervised us.
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I tried to arrange that, but either no room was available or
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no educational assistant was available to supervise.
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The teacher couldn't change the situation either, so this child continued to
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be denied the help he was asking for.
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This went on from September until December.
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It broke my heart, because he was being singled out in front
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of his entire class.
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All he could see was that I was the one refusing to
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help him while helping all the other students.
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I continued to speak up and kept trying to find an approved
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way to help, but nothing changed.
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In the end, I didn't return after the Christmas holidays.
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I never got to say goodbye to the children or explain why
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I had left.
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I didn't know what to tell them without blaming the school or
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the principal, and no one offered me another way to handle it.
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I was trying to stand up for a child who needed help,
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but somehow I ended up looking like the one who had walked
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away.
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That experience reminded me of what often happens to truth-tellers.
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We speak up because we believe that once people see what is
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happening, they will want to fix it.
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But when a system is more committed to protecting its rules than
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examining the harm being done, the person who speaks up can quickly
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become the problem.
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I couldn't make the school change its decision, but I also couldn't
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continue participating in something that went against what I believed was
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right.
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Being a truth-teller doesn't mean you have to remain silent or
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ignore behavior that you know is wrong.
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It means learning how to speak up without sacrificing yourself trying to
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make everyone else agree.
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Here are five actionable life lessons you can begin using in your
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own life.
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Number one.
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Recognize when your truth-teller instinct takes over.
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Truth-tellers often feel a strong urge to speak up as soon
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as they notice something unfair.
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You may feel responsible for correcting the situation, protecting someone else,
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or making people understand what is really happening.
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That instinct can be valuable, but it also can pull you into
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problems that you cannot solve by yourself.
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Before speaking up, pause and ask yourself, what am I hoping will
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happen if I say something?
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Are you sharing information, protecting someone, setting a boundary, or trying
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to make an unwilling person admit the truth?
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Once you understand why you want to speak up, you can decide
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what you need to say and whether saying it will help the
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situation.
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And number two.
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Give yourself the same protection you give others.
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Many truth-tellers can immediately recognize when someone else is being
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mistreated, yet question themselves when the same thing happens to them.
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You may defend a friend, co-worker, or child without hesitation while
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wondering whether your own hurt is important enough to address.
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That may be something you learn when speaking up for yourself led
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to blame, dismissal, or punishment.
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When you notice yourself minimizing your own experience, ask, what would I
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tell someone I love if this were happening to them?
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Would you tell them they were being too sensitive, or would you
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believe them and help them protect themselves?
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Begin offering yourself the same belief, compassion, and protection you so
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readily give to others.
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And number three.
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Decide who is capable of hearing the truth.
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Not everyone who needs to hear the truth is willing or able
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to hear it.
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Some people listen, consider their behavior, and take responsibility.
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Others deny what happened, attack your character, or use your reaction as
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another reason to blame you.
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Before explaining yourself, look at the person's past behavior.
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Have they ever listened openly, apologized sincerely, or changed how they
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treated you?
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If the answer is no, you may need to stop expecting one
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more explanation to produce a different response.
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And number four.
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Say what needs to be said without repeatedly proving it.
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When truth-tellers are not believed, they often respond by providing more
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details, examples, and evidence.
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You may think that if you explain everything clearly enough, the other
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person will finally get it.
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But over-explaining can leave you exhausted while giving someone more
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opportunities to argue with every detail.
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Say what happened, explain how it affected you, and state what you
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need to happen next.
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Then pay attention to how the person responds.
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You don't need the other person to agree with you before you
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can trust yourself.
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And number five.
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Let your actions support what you know is true.
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Sometimes speaking up changes the situation, and sometimes it doesn't.
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When people refuse to listen, the next step may be to set
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a boundary, document what happened, seek appropriate support, limit contact, or
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walk away.
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Taking action doesn't mean you fail to communicate clearly enough.
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You can make a decision based on your experience without waiting for
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everyone else to validate it.
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The goal is not to force people to admit that you're right.
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The goal is to trust what you know, protect what matters to
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you, and choose the action that allows you to move forward with
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greater peace and self-respect.
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Children learn how to speak up by watching how the adults around
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them handle unfairness and disagreement.
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Show them that they can name what feels wrong without insulting, blaming,
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or attacking the other person.
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You might say, I don't agree with what happened, and I'd like
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to talk about it.
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Or, that didn't feel fair to me.
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This teaches children that speaking up can be both honest and respectful.
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And this works both ways.
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When your child tells you that something feels unfair, listen before correcting
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or dismissing them.
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They may not have every detail right, but they still need to
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know that their thoughts and feelings matter.
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Help them decide whether they can speak directly, ask a trusted adult
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for help, or step away from the situation.
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Most importantly, teach them that speaking up doesn't mean they are responsible
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for making everyone else listen, agree, or change.
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Being the truth-teller can be a strength.
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You notice what others overlook, care deeply about fairness, and are willing
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to speak up when others remain silent.
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But you don't have to exhaust yourself trying to make unwilling people
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acknowledge what you already know.
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You can pause before speaking, choose who is capable of hearing you,
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and say what needs to be said without repeatedly proving your experience.
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You can also give yourself the same protection you've always been willing
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to give others.
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The truth-teller's greatest freedom may come from realizing that the truth
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doesn't require everyone's approval.
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Speak up when it matters, take action when words aren't enough, and
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allow yourself trust to guide what you do next.
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Whether you're starting to understand yourself more clearly or learning to do
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things differently, you're building the skills to grow into the person you're
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meant to be.
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Learning is important, but real change happens when you use what you've
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learned.
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If no one has told you lately, everything will be okay.
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Tomorrow is a new day, and with it comes new hope.
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As I conclude this episode, I must state that this podcast is
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designed solely for educational and entertainment purposes.
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While I bring my experience as a parent and grandparent, it's essential
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that you know, I am not a licensed therapist.
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This podcast is not a substitute for professional advice from a physician,
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professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
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Got it?
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Awesome.
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Until next time, what is one thing you are grateful for?
