What happens when you finally recognize the patterns, but still stay emotionally stuck in unhealthy relationships?
Many people can identify emotional exhaustion, people-pleasing, over-explaining, or walking on eggshells in their relationships. But awareness alone doesn’t always create change. Understanding your internal values may be the missing piece.
3 Key Takeaways
✅ You’ll learn the difference between external values and internal values
✅ You’ll learn 3 practical ways to overcome staying emotionally stuck in unhealthy relationships and start making decisions that align with your internal values.
The Lessons For Life With Gramma Kate Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker are presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified healthcare professional, nor is it intended to diagnose or treat any medical condition. Users should not disregard or delay obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should consult their healthcare professional for any such conditions.
Transcripts
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(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Why do we recognize unhealthy patterns but still stay emotionally stuck in
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them?
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Why do we continue to over-explain ourselves, walk on eggshells, or
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wait for someone else to finally understand us, even when we know
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the relationship is hurting us?
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I used to think awareness was enough, but there's something deeper driving
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our decisions more than we realize.
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Welcome to Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate.
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If you're done with people pleasing, tired of repeating the same patterns,
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and ready to learn what healthy relationships actually look like, you're in
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the right place.
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I get it.
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I was there too.
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At 65, I started learning the things I wish I'd known decades
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ago, like how to see the patterns, why we keep repeating them,
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and how to finally treat ourselves with the respect we always deserved.
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And somewhere along the way, I realized something that changed everything.
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When we don't understand our patterns, we pass them on.
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Not because we're bad parents, but because no one ever showed us
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anything different.
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That realization drives everything I do.
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Like a lighthouse steady and strong, let's all shine a little brighter
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today.
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One thing I've been learning lately is that awareness alone doesn't actually
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change your life.
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Many of us can now recognize unhealthy patterns.
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We can identify manipulation, emotional exhaustion, scapegoating, or toxic
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family dynamics.
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But even after recognizing the patterns, many of us still stay emotionally
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stuck in it.
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And lately, on a solo trip through Europe, I had time to
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think a lot about why that happens.
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I recently came across the idea that our values become our decision
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makers.
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And that hit me hard, because I started realizing that many of
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us are trying to heal emotionally while still operating from the same
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value systems that kept us stuck in the first place.
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There are actually two kinds of values worth understanding here, external and
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internal values.
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External values are things such as needing someone else's approval, wanting
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validation, avoiding conflict, or needing other people to finally understand
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you.
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And if you spend any time in difficult relationships, you probably know
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exactly what living from external values feels like, even if you never
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called it that before.
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It feels like overexplaining yourself again, hoping this time the other person
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will finally get it.
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It feels like staying quiet when something bothers you because you don't
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want to start another argument that goes nowhere.
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It feels like monitoring someone else's mood before you decide how your
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day will go.
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It feels like working so hard to be understood, to be validated,
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to be seen, that you lose track of what you actually need.
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And here's the painful part.
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You can recognize all of that.
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You can see the pattern clearly.
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But if your values are still rooted in needing something from another
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person before you feel good about yourself, your decisions will continue to
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reflect those values because that's what values do, whether we're conscious of
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it or not.
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Internal values work differently.
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Things like honesty, self-respect, autonomy, and emotional responsibility are
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internal values.
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They guide how we live and how we respond, regardless of what
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other people choose to do.
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Making a decision from an internal value feels quieter, less desperate.
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It doesn't require the other person to agree with you, understand you,
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or change first.
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It comes from something inside you that isn't waiting for permission.
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It's the moment you decide to stop over-explaining.
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Not because the other person finally listened, but because you stopped needing
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them to.
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It's the moment you set a boundary, not to punish someone, but
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because you respect yourself enough to hold it.
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It's the moment you realize that your emotional stability doesn't have to
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depend on someone else's response.
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That's the shift, and it's not a small one.
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Because when your emotional well-being depends on other people changing,
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agreeing, or approving first, you stay stuck, waiting instead of growing, and
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no amount of awareness changes that until the underlying values start to
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change too.
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It's not just about recognizing the pattern.
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It's about getting honest with yourself about the values that are keeping
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you emotionally stuck.
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My husband and I have been dealing with a lot of conflict
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in our marriage lately.
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Little comments and words that come across as jabs, which if I'm
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being truthful, have been triggering for both of us.
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I could feel it affecting my nervous system.
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I was becoming hyper-vigilant, walking on eggshells, afraid to bring things
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up because it would turn into another argument that never got resolved.
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At first I thought maybe we just had different beliefs, but recently
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I learned a better word for it.
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Values.
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For example, my husband will take my car without asking me, and
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for a long time that really bothered me.
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But when I started looking at it through the lens of values,
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I understood something I hadn't before.
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His value is unity.
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In his mind, marriage means everything is shared.
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There is no mine or yours.
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Asking feels unnecessary to him, maybe even like a violation of that
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closeness.
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Taking the car without asking is actually his way of expressing how
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bonded he feels.
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But I value autonomy.
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He has his truck, I have my car.
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I would never take his truck without letting him know first, and
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I expect the same in return.
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Neither one of us is wrong.
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We just value different things.
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The same dynamic shows up around family gatherings.
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My husband values belonging and community.
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For him, the bigger the gathering the better.
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Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, all together.
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That's what connection feels like to him.
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It's tied to his sense of family identity.
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But I value closeness and depth.
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My ideal holiday dinner is my kids, their spouses, and my grandchildren
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sitting around the table having real conversations.
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Smaller feels more meaningful to me.
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And then there is taking a solo trip.
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My husband believes that if I'm going somewhere, we should go together,
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because his value is partnership.
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Experiences are meant to be shared with your spouse.
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That's what marriage looks like to him.
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But for me, solo travel is an expression of autonomy.
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It gives me space to think, reflect, and reconnect with myself.
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That matters deeply to me.
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What I started to see is that we have both been true
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to our own values the entire time.
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His circle around togetherness and unity.
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And my values consistently circle around autonomy and individual identity
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within the relationship.
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Neither set of values is wrong.
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They're just generally different expressions of what love and partnership can
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look like.
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The problem is that for years we were both trying to convince
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each other to value what we valued.
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And that creates enormous emotional exhaustion and tension in the relationship.
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What I'm learning is that peace in my life won't come from
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trying to convince another person to become more like me.
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It's going to come from respecting their values without abandoning my own.
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And that last part has been the biggest lesson I've learned recently
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on my solo trip abroad.
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So how do we start getting emotionally unstuck?
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Here are three things I've been learning.
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The first is to identify the values driving your decisions.
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Not just asking yourself what you're doing, but asking what is driving
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it.
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Am I staying quiet to keep the peace?
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Am I over explaining because I need validation?
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Am I making this decision from self-respect and honesty or from
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fear and guilt?
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Awareness of the pattern is so important, but understanding the values
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underneath the pattern is where real change begins.
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The second is to stop trying to convince people to value what
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you value.
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This one is big and I think it's where a lot of
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emotional exhaustion actually lives.
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We defend ourselves, explain ourselves, justify ourselves, hoping that if we
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just say it the right way, the other person will finally get
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it.
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But people are allowed to have different values.
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That doesn't make them bad people.
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Sometimes it simply means they see relationships, freedom, or connection
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differently than you do.
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Peace started coming into my life when I stopped spending so much
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energy trying to convince my husband to see things my way and
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started focusing on understanding life through his lens.
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It's not easy, but it is so worth it.
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And the third is to start making small decisions that align with
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your internal values.
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I don't mean big dramatic decisions.
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I mean the small ones that happen in ordinary moments.
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For me, I stopped over explaining myself to get my husband to
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understand my perspective because I realized it wasn't working.
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And honestly, it didn't matter whether he agreed or not.
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I already knew what I meant.
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I started speaking up about what I actually needed.
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When I brought up the car situation, he questioned why I needed
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to know when he was taking it.
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He tried to pull me back into the everything is ours conversation.
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But I simply said, it's my car.
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My name is on the registration.
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That was an internal value decision.
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Small, quiet, but it came from self-respect rather than fear.
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I also started going inward instead of outward when making decisions, not
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dismissing his values, but no longer needing him to understand mine.
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We don't always have to agree.
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What matters is that I stop abandoning myself while trying to convince
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him.
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Because healing doesn't happen in one big moment of clarity.
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It happens when your daily decisions consistently reflect what you value
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internally rather than what you're afraid others will think of you.
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One of the most important things we can teach our kids is
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that their worth does not depend on other people's approval.
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Two simple things make a big difference here.
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First, teach kids that people are allowed to value different things.
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One child may value independence while another values closeness.
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Different does not always mean wrong.
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One child might value alone time and one child might value always
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playing with friends.
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Second, pay attention to whether your child is making decisions based on
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their own values or out of fear of upsetting someone else.
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There's a difference between a child who shares their toy because they
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genuinely want to and one who shares because they're afraid of what
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will happen if they don't.
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One is an internal value decision, the other is an external one
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driven by fear or approval.
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When you notice that pattern, name it gently.
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Ask them, did you do that because you wanted to or because
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you were worried about what someone would think?
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That simple question starts teaching kids the difference between living from
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the inside out rather than the outside in.
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Emotional growth is not just about recognizing the pattern.
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It's about being honest about the values beneath the pattern.
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Letting go of the exhausting work of trying to change other people
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and making small decisions every day that align with who you are.
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That's when you begin to experience inner peace.
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Whether you're starting to understand yourself more clearly or learning to do
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things differently, you're building the skills to grow into the person you're
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meant to be.
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Listening is important but real change happens when you use what you've
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learned.
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So choose just one life lesson from today and try it out
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this week.
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That's when things begin to shift.
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And if you want more life lessons like this, be sure to
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follow Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and
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YouTube.
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If this episode resonated with you, there's a link in the show
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notes to show your appreciation.
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Either way, I'm grateful for you being here.
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If no one has told you lately, everything will be okay.
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Tomorrow is a new day and with it comes new hope.
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As I conclude this episode, I must state that this podcast is
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designed solely for educational and entertainment purposes.
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While I bring my experience as a parent and grandparent, it's essential
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that you know I am not a licensed therapist.
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This podcast is not a substitute for professional advice from a physician,
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professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional.
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Got it?
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Awesome!
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Until next time, what is one thing you are grateful for?
