Brené Brown once said, "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others."
Two words in that quote stop me every time: "courage" and "disappointing".
Because if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, setting a boundary usually isn't the hard part. The hard part is the fear of their reactions.
What if they're angry?
What if they stop talking to me?
What if they tell everyone I'm selfish?
And underneath all of that is a quieter question: What if they're right? What if I really am the problem? When you've heard that message often enough, you stop trusting your own judgment. Instead of disappointing them, you disappoint yourself.
What You Will Learn:
✅ Why setting healthy boundaries feels so difficult when you grew up in a dysfunctional family relationship.
✅ The difference between a healthy boundary and a rule—and why knowing the difference changes everything.
✅ How to set your first boundary, even before you say a word to anyone else.
✅ Why every healthy boundary is an act of self-protection that helps you rebuild trust in yourself.
✅ How to set healthy boundaries with courage, even if it means disappointing someone else.
One life lesson each week and a one-page See the Pattern. Now What? Cheat Sheet to help you identify unhealthy patterns, trust yourself more, and take the next step forward.
The Lessons For Life With Gramma Kate Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker are presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified healthcare professional, nor is it intended to diagnose or treat any medical condition. Users should not disregard or delay obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should consult their healthcare professional for any such conditions.
Transcripts
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(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Brené Brown once said, daring to set boundaries is about having the
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courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.
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Two words in that quote stop me every time.
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Courage and disappointing.
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Because if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, setting a boundary
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usually isn't the hard part.
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The hard part is the fear of their reactions.
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What if they get angry?
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What if they stop talking to me?
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What if they tell everyone I'm selfish?
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And underneath all of that is a quieter question.
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What if they're right?
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What if I really am the problem?
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When you've heard that message often enough, you stop trusting your own
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judgment.
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Instead of disappointing them, you disappoint yourself.
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So how do you actually set a boundary and still trust yourself?
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Welcome to Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate.
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If you're done with people pleasing, tired of repeating the same patterns,
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and ready to learn what healthy relationships actually look like, you're in
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the right place.
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I get it.
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I was there too.
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At 65, I started learning the things I wish I'd known decades
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ago, like how to see the patterns, why we keep repeating them,
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and how to finally treat ourselves with the respect we always deserved.
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And somewhere along the way, I realized something that changed everything.
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When we don't understand our patterns, we pass them on.
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Not because we're bad parents, but because no one ever showed us
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anything different.
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That realization drives everything I do.
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So join my free weekly email community by signing up for my
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cheat sheet.
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See the pattern?
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Now what?
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For each episode, I'll help you name the pattern, point out how
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it shows up in your life, and then how you can respond
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differently.
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Find the link in the show notes or visit lessonsforlifewithgrandmakate.com Like
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a lighthouse, steady and strong, let's all shine a little brighter today.
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Before we can learn how to set healthy boundaries, we first need
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to understand what they are.
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A healthy boundary is a limit you set to protect what matters
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to you.
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Your physical, emotional, mental, financial, and personal well-being.
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It's how you communicate to other people what behavior you will and
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will not tolerate.
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Healthy boundaries aren't about pushing your family away.
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They're about creating healthy relationships built on respect instead of fear,
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guilt, or people-pleasing.
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Boundaries can look different depending on the situation.
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Physical boundaries protect your body, your personal space, and your privacy.
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Time boundaries protect how you spend your time and energy.
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Maybe that's deciding you won't keep waiting because your partner is late,
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yet again, without ever addressing it.
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Emotional boundaries remind you that you can care about family without taking
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responsibility for their emotions.
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Maybe that's saying that's not okay when your partner speaks to you
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disrespectfully instead of letting it slide to keep the peace.
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Mental boundaries protect your thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and values.
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They let you disagree without feeling guilty or needing to defend yourself.
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Financial boundaries protect how you earn, spend, lend, or give your money.
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Maybe that's deciding you're allowed to spend money on your own hobby
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without guilt, just as your partner does on theirs.
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One thing that's often misunderstood is the difference between a boundary and
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a rule.
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A rule tries to control someone else's behavior.
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On the other hand, a boundary explains what you will do if
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a situation becomes unhealthy.
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For example, a rule says, You can't yell at me.
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A boundary says, If you continue yelling, I'm going to end this
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conversation.
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See the difference?
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One tries to change the other person.
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A boundary focuses on what you will do.
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Think of it this way.
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A rule is a fence around someone else's yard.
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A boundary is a fence around your own.
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Most of us know we need healthier boundaries.
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We just don't know where to start.
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Part of the reason is that setting a healthy boundary takes courage.
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It means accepting that someone will likely be disappointed with your decision.
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For many of us who grew up in dysfunctional family relationships, disappointing
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family members felt dangerous.
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Maybe you were called selfish or too sensitive.
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Maybe you were guilt-tripped, criticized, or made to feel responsible for
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everyone else's happiness.
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So instead, you slowly learned to abandon yourself because keeping the peace
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felt safer than speaking up.
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The problem is that every time you ignore your own boundary, you
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teach yourself not to trust what you're feeling.
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And over time, that doesn't just affect your relationships, it affects your
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relationship with yourself.
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You stop trusting your instincts.
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You second-guess your decisions.
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You wonder if you're being unreasonable for setting a boundary at all.
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That's why learning to set healthy boundaries isn't just about changing your
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relationships.
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It's about rebuilding self-trust.
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Sometimes rebuilding self-trust doesn't mean holding a boundary perfectly.
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It means learning how to adjust one without abandoning yourself.
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Let me tell you what that looked like for me.
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Recently, my husband celebrated his 70th birthday and I found myself facing
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a dilemma.
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Three years ago, I set a boundary that I would no longer
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attend family functions at my sister-in-law's house because of the
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way I'd been treated by my husband's family.
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But this wasn't just another family gathering.
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It was my husband's 70th birthday and I wanted to be there
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for him.
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So I asked myself, how do I show up for my husband
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without abandoning myself?
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Then I realized my boundary didn't have to be all or nothing.
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Maybe I could adjust it to fit the circumstances, which I did.
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This is what I decided.
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I decided to take my own vehicle.
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That way, I was in control of when I arrived and when
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I left.
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I ended up arriving just before dinner and stayed through the meal,
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the cake, and the family pictures.
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Then, when I felt it was time, I left.
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For me, the evening worked out beautifully.
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For years, I thought my only choices were to go and betray
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myself or stay home and feel guilty.
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But that day, I realized there was another option.
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I could trust myself enough to adjust my boundary in a way
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that honored both my husband and myself, even though it felt uncomfortable.
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And that took courage.
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That's what healthy boundaries are.
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They're flexible.
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They aren't about being rigid.
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They're about protecting yourself while living according to your values.
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Sometimes the healthiest boundary isn't choosing between showing up and
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protecting yourself.
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Sometimes it's finding a way to do both.
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Here's how I learned to set healthy boundaries to start trusting myself.
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Number one, start with the boundary inside yourself.
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Before you ever set a boundary, your body reacts first.
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Maybe your chest gets tight.
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Maybe you feel anxious.
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Maybe you immediately think they're going to be upset or I'm being
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selfish.
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For many of us who grew up in dysfunctional families, that's where
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we've always given our power away.
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We let guilt, fear, or the need to keep the peace make
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the decision for us.
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Before you decide what boundary to set, pause and ask yourself, what
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would help me feel safe right now?
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Do I need to leave?
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Do I need more time before I answer?
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Do I need to take my own vehicle as I did?
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That's your first boundary.
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It's an internal one.
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You may not even say it out loud right away.
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It takes courage to set that boundary and even more courage to
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stick with it when it feels uncomfortable.
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And number two, decide what you're protecting.
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Every healthy boundary is an act of self-protection.
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Before you set a boundary, ask yourself, what am I trying to
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protect?
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Maybe you're protecting your time because you need to rest after a
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stressful day at work.
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Maybe you're protecting your finances because you can't afford to keep rescuing
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family members.
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Maybe you're protecting your emotional well-being because you're no longer
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willing to stay in conversations where you're blamed or yelled at.
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When you know what you're protecting, it becomes much easier to set
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a boundary based on your values instead of your conditioning.
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And number three, say the boundary clearly and kindly.
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Healthy boundaries don't require long explanations or convincing someone that
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you're right.
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Keep them simple and respectful.
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For example, I only have 20 minutes to talk today.
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We're not in a position to lend money right now.
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I'm not comfortable discussing that.
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Notice that none of these require an apology or a 10-minute
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explanation.
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You're simply communicating what you will or won't do.
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And number four, let them have their feelings.
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This is often the hardest part.
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When you change the way you've always responded, don't expect everyone else
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to celebrate it.
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Some family members may test your boundaries, push against them, criticize
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them, or try to make you feel guilty for setting them.
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They might even tell you that you've changed.
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And they're right.
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You have.
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If they've benefited from your lack of boundaries, change can feel threatening
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to them.
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But that doesn't mean you've done something wrong.
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It means changing a pattern that used to work in their favor.
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And number five, build self-trust one boundary at a time.
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Healthy boundaries aren't something you master overnight.
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Every time you pause and ask yourself what would help you feel
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safe, identify what you're trying to protect, communicate a healthy boundary,
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and allow someone else to have their reaction, you're teaching yourself
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something important.
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You're proving to yourself that you can trust your own judgment.
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Self-trust isn't a mindset.
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It's built through repeated actions.
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Every healthy boundary you set is another step toward becoming the person
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you were always meant to be.
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One of the greatest gifts you can give your children isn't just
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teaching them about healthy boundaries.
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It's letting them watch you live them.
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When your children hear you say, I can't listen to you right
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now, but I will after dinner.
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They learn that it's okay to have needs, to communicate them respectfully,
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and to stand by them.
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They also learn that saying no doesn't mean you love someone any
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less.
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It simply means you're setting a boundary based on your values and
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what you can realistically give.
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Just as important, let your children see that someone else's disappointment
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isn't something you have to fix.
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If they watch you stay calm without arguing, over-explaining, or changing
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your mind to make someone else happy, they'll learn an important life
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lesson.
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You don't have to manage everyone else's emotions.
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You can care deeply about someone while still honouring your own needs.
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Children learn far more from what we model than from what we
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tell them.
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When they see you honour your own needs with respect, they learn
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they can do the same.
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Brené Brown said courage is what it takes to disappoint someone else
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so you don't have to disappoint yourself.
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Courage isn't about winning an argument or getting someone else to agree
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with you.
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It's about having the strength to honour your boundary, even when it's
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uncomfortable.
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You don't have to get every boundary right, especially in dysfunctional
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families.
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Setting healthy boundaries takes courage and practice.
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But every healthy boundary you set is another chance to trust yourself.
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That's how you begin creating a life that's aligned with who you
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are.
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If someone is disappointed because you set a boundary, it doesn't mean
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you've done something wrong.
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It means you chose to honour yourself instead of abandoning yourself.
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You are not the problem.
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You never were.
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Whether you're starting to understand yourself more clearly or learning to do
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things differently, you're building the skills to grow into the person you're
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meant to be.
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Listening is important, but real change happens when you use what you've
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learned.
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That's why I've created a cheat sheet, See the Pattern, Now What?
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for today's episode.
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Join my free weekly email community.
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I'll help you name the pattern, point out how it shows up
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in your life, and how you can respond differently.
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Find the link in the show notes, or visit LessonsForLifeWithGrandmaKate.com And
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if you want more life lessons like this, be sure to follow
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Lessons For Life With Grandma Kate on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and
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YouTube.
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If this episode resonated with you, there's a link in the show
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notes to show your appreciation.
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Either way, I am grateful for you being here.
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If no one has told you lately, everything will be okay.
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Tomorrow is a new day and with it comes new hope.
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As I conclude this episode, I must state that this podcast is
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designed solely for educational and entertainment purposes.
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While I bring my experience as a parent and grandparent, it's essential
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that you know, I am not a licensed therapist.
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This podcast is not a substitute for professional advice from a physician,
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professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
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Got it?
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Awesome.
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Until next time, what is one thing you are grateful for?
