If you are the family scapegoat, you may be used to assuming that every relationship problem is your fault. So when you feel anxious, you tell yourself you are too sensitive, overthinking, or simply afraid of rejection.
But what if your fear is not only coming from your past? What if someone is actually mistreating you in the present? So, how can you tell whether you are experiencing anxious attachment or whether you are caught in a trauma bond?
What You Will Learn
The difference between anxious attachment and a trauma bond
Three ways to tell whether fear comes from an old attachment pattern or ongoing mistreatment
Five practical ways to respond differently and begin healing
The Lessons For Life With Gramma Kate Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker are presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified healthcare professional, nor is it intended to diagnose or treat any medical condition. Users should not disregard or delay obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should consult their healthcare professional for any such conditions.
Transcripts
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(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Welcome to Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate.
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If you're the family scapegoat, you may be used to assuming that
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every relationship problem is your fault.
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So when you feel anxious, you tell yourself you are too sensitive,
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overthinking, or simply afraid of rejection.
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But what if your fear is not only coming from your past?
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What if someone is actually mistreating you in the present?
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At 65, I started learning the things I wish I'd known decades
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ago, like how to see the patterns, why we keep repeating them,
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and how to finally treat ourselves with the respect we have always
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deserved.
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So how can you tell whether you are experiencing anxious attachment, or
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whether you are caught in a trauma bond?
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Here are three ways family scapegoats can tell the difference, and how
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you can start to respond differently.
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Like a lighthouse, steady and strong, let's all shine a little brighter
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today.
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If you grew up as the family scapegoat, love and acceptance may
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have felt inconsistent.
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You may have been blamed for the family's problems, or used as
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the emotional dumping ground.
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So you learn to scan the room, monitor everyone's mood, and work
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hard to keep the peace.
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The family scapegoat role may also make you more vulnerable to a
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trauma bond, not because there is something wrong with you, but because
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the pattern can feel familiar.
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You may have learned that love comes with blame, criticism, or rejection,
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followed by moments when everyone acts normal again.
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As an adult, you may work harder, blame yourself, and hold on
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to brief moments of kindness as proof that the relationship can change.
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Here are three differences about anxious attachment and a trauma bond to
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consider.
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Number one, are you afraid of what might happen, or responding to
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what keeps happening?
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With anxious attachment, you may fear that someone will reject or leave
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you, even when they have treated you with care and respect.
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Your fear is reacting to what you think might happen.
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With a trauma bond, your fear is responding to what has repeatedly
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happened.
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This particular person has mistreated you before, and their behavior gives you
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a reason to believe it may happen again.
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The important clue is not how anxious you feel, it is how
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the other person consistently treats you.
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And number two, does their kindness build safety or only temporary hope?
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When someone is caring and consistent, their words and actions can gradually
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help you feel safer.
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Trust may take time, but the relationship becomes more secure because they
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continue treating you with respect.
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In a trauma bond, kindness appears between periods of mistreatment.
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The person may suddenly become affectionate, include you, or act as though
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everything is normal.
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You begin hoping that the relationship has changed, but there is no
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honest conversation, accountability, or lasting change.
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Eventually, the mistreatment returns.
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And number three, what happens when you set a boundary?
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With anxious attachment, you may feel guilty or afraid when you set
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a boundary.
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You may worry that the other person will become upset or leave.
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But someone who is generally safe will usually respect your boundary, even
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if they feel disappointed.
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In a trauma bond, the other person may punish or pressure you
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for having a boundary.
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They may blame you, give you the silent treatment, involve other family
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members, or suddenly become unusually kind so that you will drop the
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boundary and return to the old relationship pattern.
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Put simply, anxious attachment is driven by the fear that someone may
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leave you.
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A trauma bond is strengthened by another person repeatedly cycling you between
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mistreatment and kindness.
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Now it is possible to experience both.
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You may carry a fear of rejection and also be involved with
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someone who repeatedly mistreats you.
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That is why it is important to look beyond the intensity of
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your feelings and pay attention to the pattern of the relationship.
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For me, learning about these patterns has helped me heal, but it
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has also been painful and messy.
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I seldom talk about how hard it can be to learn about
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your own patterns and those of your relationships.
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When I first learned about the family scapegoat role, part of me
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felt relieved.
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Finally, there was a reason I'd been blamed for everything and why
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I tried so hard to keep my relationships together.
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It helped me to understand that the way I'd been treated was
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not proof that something was wrong with me.
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But as I learned more about how that role had affected me,
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I sometimes felt overwhelmed.
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I began to see how much of my life had been shaped
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by trying to earn love, keep the peace, and prove that I
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was a good person.
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Other times, it felt as though I was discovering one more thing
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about me that needed to be fixed.
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I didn't understand all of this at once.
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My healing has happened in layers over the past four or five
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years.
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I would recognize one pattern, name it, and begin working on that
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part of myself.
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I think we often recognize only as much as we are ready
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to see at one time.
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Once we understand one layer and begin looking after ourselves, we may
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be ready to recognize the next one.
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That doesn't mean our earlier understanding was wrong.
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It means we are seeing more clearly now.
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Every new realization has brought me a mix of emotions, such as
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understanding the pattern feels like validation.
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But there is also grief over the relationships I hope to have,
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anger about how I was treated, and regret over the years I
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spent trying to make things better.
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I am learning not to blame the person I was back then
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and doing the best I can with what I understand today.
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When those emotions become too much, I often hear myself say I
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just want to be left alone, which to me means I want
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a break from watching moods, explaining myself, and caring other people's
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emotions.
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I want enough peace to hear myself think and enough room to
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heal.
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When you are still living in the same environment, it's easy to
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slip back into old patterns.
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A certain tone of voice, a long silence, or tension can pull
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you back into over-explaining, trying to fix everything, or making yourself
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smaller.
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Sometimes you don't even realize you were doing it.
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Then something brings you back to yourself and you think, oh yeah,
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I was doing that again.
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I used to believe that returning to an old pattern meant I'd
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lost all my progress.
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Now I understand that growth doesn't mean I will never repeat it.
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Growth means I recognize the pattern sooner and stay in it for
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less time.
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That is the messy middle of healing.
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I am not sharing this from the finish line.
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I am still learning as I go, and I certainly don't have
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all this figured out.
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Healing can be painful, confusing, and messy.
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But messy doesn't mean you are broken.
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Sometimes being messy means you are finally changing.
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Here are lessons I've learned along the way that have helped me.
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I hope they will help you also.
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Number one, document the reality of the relationship.
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Write down what happened, how the person responded, and what happened next.
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If they are usually caring and consistent, this record may help you
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see when anxious attachment is filling in the blanks.
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If kindness repeatedly follows mistreatment, but nothing truly changes, the
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larger pattern may point to a trauma bond.
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And number two, ask whether you want the relationship.
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Family scapegoats often focus on being liked, chosen, or included.
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Try turning the question around.
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Do you like how this person treats you?
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Can you be yourself around them?
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Do you feel respected?
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Your worth is not determined by whether someone chooses you.
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You also get to decide whether the relationship is right for you.
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And number three, expect change to feel uncomfortable.
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When you stop chasing reassurance, or begin stepping out of a harmful
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cycle, you may feel anxious, guilty, restless, or lonely.
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You may even feel tempted to return to the old pattern.
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That discomfort doesn't automatically mean you made the wrong choice.
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Take time for self-care, such as walking, journaling, or hobbies that
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matter to you.
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And number four, radically accept the relationship you have.
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Radical acceptance doesn't mean approving of mistreatment.
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It means seeing the relationship as it is, instead of waiting for
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the other person to become who you need them to be.
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Ask yourself who this person has consistently shown themselves to be.
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You can grieve the relationship you hope for, while accepting the reality
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of the one you have.
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And number five, choose contact and support based on what is happening.
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If the person is generally safe and consistent, healing may involve honest
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communication, and learning to trust their steady care.
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If the relationship involves repeated mistreatment or control, you may need
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stronger boundaries, limited contact, or no contact at all.
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A trusted person, trauma-informed therapist, or family violent servants can
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help you decide what support fits your situation.
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If you have children, they are learning what love and safety look
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like by watching the relationships around them.
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Show them that love can be steady.
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When you make a mistake, take responsibility, apologize clearly, and change
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your behavior.
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Let them see that people can disagree without blaming, humiliating,
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threatening, or giving each other the silent treatment.
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Respect their boundaries too.
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If your child doesn't want a hug or says they need a
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few minutes alone, you can respect that without pouting, withdrawing your
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affection, or making them feel guilty.
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That small moment teaches them that saying no doesn't cost them love.
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You don't have to model a perfect relationship.
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Children need to see honesty, consistency, and healthy repair.
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When children see you respect their boundaries, hold your own boundaries, and
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expect words to match actions, they learn that healthy love is steady
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and safe.
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Understanding the difference between anxious attachment and a trauma bond is
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not about giving yourself another label.
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It is about recognizing what is creating the fear so you can
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decide what you need.
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Notice whether you are afraid of what might happen, or responding to
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what keeps happening.
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Pay attention to whether kindness builds trust over time, or only gives
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you temporary hope before the mistreatment returns.
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And notice what happens when you set a boundary.
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Documenting what happens can help you see the complete pattern.
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Instead of only asking whether someone chooses you, ask whether you choose
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the relationship you actually have.
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Most importantly, stop assuming that every relationship problem is yours to
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solve.
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You can work on your own patterns without accepting someone else's
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mistreatment.
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You don't have to understand everything today.
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Start by trusting what you see, and make it one choice that
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brings you back to yourself.
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Whether you're starting to understand yourself more clearly, or learning to do
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things differently, you're building the skills to grow into the person you're
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meant to be.
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Listening is important, but real change happens when you use what you've
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learned.
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If this episode resonated with you, there's a link in the show
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notes to show your appreciation.
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Either way, I am grateful for you being here.
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If no one has told you lately, everything will be okay.
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Tomorrow is a new day, and with it comes new hope.
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As I conclude this episode, I must state that this podcast is
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designed solely for educational and entertainment purposes.
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While I bring my experience as a parent and grandparent, it's essential
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that you know I am NOT a licensed therapist.
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This podcast is not a substitute for professional advice from a physician,
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professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
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Got it?
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Awesome!
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Until next time, what is one thing you are grateful for?
