We use the word shame for almost everything that hurts.

If something stings or makes us want to shrink, we say we feel ashamed. But what if some of what you have been calling shame wasn't shame at all? What if it was humiliation? There is a big difference, and no one really teaches us what the difference is.

And if you are the family scapegoat, it is even more layered than this.

Key Takeaways

• Not all shame is actually shame.
• Humiliation can be mistaken for personal defect.
• Suppressed anger often turns into self-criticism.
• Familiar relationship patterns are not always healthy ones.
• Dignity and self-trust can be rebuilt.

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📕I Believe You: Self-Care When Your Parent Struggles Emotionally

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The Lessons For Life With Gramma Kate Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker are presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified healthcare professional, nor is it intended to diagnose or treat any medical condition. Users should not disregard or delay obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should consult their healthcare professional for any such conditions.

(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) A few years ago, I had an experience at a family gathering

that left me asking myself the question I'd asked myself a hundred

times before.

What did I do wrong now?

My heart was breaking.

I was angry and underneath it all, I felt deeply ashamed.

But when I finally talked it through with someone I trusted, they

described it differently.

And honestly, it helped me shift my thinking.

Welcome to Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate.

If you're done with people pleasing, tired of repeating the same patterns,

and ready to learn what healthy relationships actually look like, you're in

the right place.

I get it.

I was there too.

At 65, I started learning the things I wish I'd known decades

ago.

How to see the pattern, why we keep repeating them, and how

to finally treat ourselves with the respect we always deserved.

And somewhere along the way, I realized something that changed everything.

When we don't understand our patterns, we pass them on.

Not because we're bad parents, but because no one ever showed us

anything different.

That realization drives everything I do.

It's why I write children's books that teach kids about self-worth,

emotional safety, and making healthy choices.

Because if adults are just learning these skills, imagine what can happen

when children learn them early.

A list of books is in the show notes.

Like a lighthouse, steady and strong, let's all shine a little brighter

today.

We use the word shame for almost everything that hurts.

If something stings or makes us want to shrink, we say we

feel ashamed.

But what if some of what you have been calling shame wasn't

shame at all?

What if it was humiliation?

There is a big difference, and no one really teaches us what

the difference is.

Shame says there is something wrong with me.

Humiliation says something wrong was done to me.

And in certain relationships, especially where there is a power imbalance, we

are conditioned to confuse the two.

So when someone mocks you, dismisses you, rolls their eyes, or corrects

you sharply in front of others, something happens inside your body.

Your face flushes, your stomach drops, and suddenly you just want to

disappear.

And if your reaction is also met with, you're too sensitive, or

you're being dramatic, you stop questioning the behavior and start questioning

yourself.

Instead of thinking that wasn't fair, you start thinking, I'm overreacting.

That is the moment humiliation begins to turn inward and becomes shame.

The first couple of times, it's just a hurt.

But when it is constantly repeated, it becomes your identity.

You no longer see individual moments of being diminished.

You start to see yourself as the problem.

Your nervous system learns to stay small.

You stop speaking up, hesitate before sharing an opinion, and avoid stepping

forward for opportunities.

Visibility starts to feel unsafe, even if you cannot point to one

clear reason why.

And because humiliation naturally causes anger, that anger needs to go

somewhere.

If it wasn't allowed in your home environment, it turns inward.

It becomes self-criticism, perfectionism, a harsh inner voice that says, I'm

too much.

I ruin everything.

I should have handled that better.

You begin apologizing for existing instead of questioning what actually

happened.

And the pattern doesn't stay in childhood.

Adults who grew up being humiliated find themselves drawn to critical,

dismissive, or emotionally unavailable partners.

Not because something is wrong with them, but because the dynamic feels

familiar.

Your nervous system mistakes that familiarity for safety.

So you continue to over-explain yourself, make yourself smaller, or work

harder to earn approval that never comes.

And if you were the family scapegoat, it is even more layered

than this.

Humiliation wasn't something that happened once in a while.

It was part of your assigned role.

You were the one who carried the shame so everyone else didn't

have to.

Your anger was the least tolerated.

Your reactions were labeled the most harshly.

And your hurt kept getting used as proof that you were the

difficult one.

After a while, you stop expecting things to be fair.

You stop even noticing when something is humiliating because it's always just

felt normal.

It doesn't register as mistreatment.

It registers as, this is what happens when I mess up, which

is exactly how I felt when I found myself standing alone on

the dance floor.

A few years ago, I was attending a family function on my

husband's side to celebrate an anniversary.

It was a beautiful outdoor setting at a family member's home.

I was excited to go and see everyone.

After a lovely buffet dinner, a fire was lit, the music started

up, and everyone was dancing.

It was nearing the end of the evening, and after quite a

few faster songs, the DJ put on a slower one.

We had all been dancing together as a group, so when the

slow song came on, I naturally turned to my husband.

But he had a different idea.

He turned to his sister and started dancing with her.

And there I was, standing in the middle of the dance floor

with everyone cobbled up around me.

I don't know which emotion hit me first.

Heartbreak for sure.

Then my face turned beet red, and underneath that, I felt deeply

ashamed.

I quickly walked off to the sidelines and put on the bravest

face I could manage.

It was all I could do to hold back the tears.

When the song ended, my husband came looking for me, and the

minute he saw my face, he knew something was wrong.

I couldn't even find the words to speak to him.

I just said, it's time to go home, and we left.

A week later, I was talking to someone I trust about what

happened, and that's when everything shifted.

They helped me see it clearly.

It wasn't shame.

It was humiliation.

I had been humiliated in front of people I cared about, and

I had done absolutely nothing wrong.

It was a choice my husband made, not evidence of my worth.

That realization didn't fix everything overnight, but it changed something

fundamental, because for the first time, I stopped asking what is wrong

with me, and started asking what actually happened that night.

Those are two very different questions.

So how do you actually shift this?

How do you stop caring humiliation as though it were shame?

Here's what has helped me and what I have seen help others.

Number one, separate your identity from what was done to you.

I know that sounds simple, but it really does change everything.

Instead of saying, I'm broken, you start saying, I was treated in

a way that hurt.

Instead of turning inward, you name what happened.

I felt excluded.

That felt dismissive.

I was being shut down.

You don't need to dramatize it, and you don't need to minimize

it.

You just tell the truth.

That was humiliating, and I didn't deserve it.

Shame thrives in vagueness.

The moment you clearly name what happened, you begin to unhook your

identity from someone else's behavior.

And number two, allow yourself to feel the anger you were never

allowed to feel.

That is not explosive anger, nor revenge.

Just that quiet, steady recognition that wasn't okay.

Humiliation carries a natural sense of injustice, and if you were never

allowed to feel that growing up, it didn't disappear.

It just turned inward and became self-criticism.

Reclaiming that anger doesn't make you bitter.

It makes you balanced.

It gives you back your dignity.

You can absolutely acknowledge that something was unfair without being consumed

by it.

Number three, stop automatically abandoning yourself when something feels off.

Instead of immediately asking, what's wrong with me?

You pause and ask, hmm, what just happened here?

You notice your body, the tightening, the heat in your face, the

urge to shrink and disappear.

That reaction is information, not evidence that you are the problem.

The nervous system that learned to stay small can learn something new,

that your perception matters, and your feelings are telling you something worth

listening to.

Number four, start building some gentle boundaries.

Not dramatic ultimatums, not cutting everyone off overnight.

Just small, steady limits.

Changing the subject when a joke goes too far.

Saying, that felt hurtful out loud.

Leaving a room when you need to.

Limiting how much of your vulnerability certain people get access to.

Begin choosing relationships where dignity goes both ways.

And here is the thing, because humiliation is relational, healing has to

be relational too.

You teach people how to treat you by what you tolerate and

what you quietly but firmly refuse.

Number five, rewrite the story you have been telling about yourself.

Instead of, I'm the difficult one, you begin to see, huh, I

was the one who felt the injustice.

Instead of, oh, I'm too sensitive, you start to recognize, I was

sensitive to disrespect.

Instead of, I ruin everything, you understand, I was reacting to being

diminished.

That is not weakness, that is awareness.

And awareness is where everything begins to change.

And if you're a parent, none of us set out to humiliate

our children.

But sometimes we do it without even realizing it.

A sharp correction in front of their friends.

A dismissive eye roll when they're upset.

A joke at their expense that gets a laugh from everyone, except

them.

Telling them to toughen up when they're hurting.

These things feel small in the moment, but your child's nervous system

is keeping score.

So here are a few things worth paying attention to.

Watch how you correct them in public.

If your child needs redirecting, pull them aside.

Being corrected or criticized in front of others, even siblings, is exposing

for a child.

It teaches them that their mistakes are everyone's business and that love

comes with an audience.

Take their feelings seriously, even when you don't fully understand them.

When a child says that hurt or cries over something that seems

small to you, the worst thing you can do is tell them

that they're being too sensitive.

That is the exact moment when humiliation starts to turn into shame.

Instead, try, I can see that really hurt you.

Tell me what happened.

Be careful with humor.

Teething can be playful and connecting, or cutting and exposing.

The difference is whether your child is genuinely laughing or just going

along with it to keep the peace.

If it's the latter, it's worth paying attention to.

And repair when you get it wrong, because you will get it

wrong sometimes.

We all do.

But going back to your child and saying, I shouldn't have said

that the way I did, I'm sorry, is one of the most

powerful things you can do.

It teaches them that relationships can be repaired, that their feelings matter,

and that you are someone safe to come to.

The goal isn't to be a perfect parent.

It's to be a parent who is paying attention.

Because a child who grows up knowing their dignity is protected at

home will be far better equipped to protect it out in the

world.

Shame says there is something wrong with me.

Humiliation says something wrong was done to me.

And for many of us, especially those who grow up as the

family scapegoat, we've spent years confusing the two.

We carried what was done to us as though it were evidence

of who we are.

It wasn't.

It never was.

And that is when the shift begins.

When you stop automatically turning inward and start noticing what is actually

happening around you.

How does this person speak to me?

How do I feel after I spend time with them?

Does this dynamic feel respectful or does it leave me feeling small?

You are allowed to ask those questions.

You are allowed to trust what your body is telling you.

Noticing how people make you feel is not being difficult.

It is being honest with yourself, maybe for the first time in

a long time.

Whether you're starting to understand yourself more clearly, working through

old family dynamics, or learning to do things differently, you're building the

skills that help you grow into the person you were meant to

be.

Listening is important, but real change happens when you use what you've

learned.

So choose just one life lesson from today and try it out

this week.

That's when things begin to shift.

And if you want more life lessons like this, be sure to

follow Lessons for Life with Grandma Kay on Facebook and Instagram.

If no one has told you lately, everything will be okay.

Tomorrow is a new day and with it comes new hope.

As I conclude this episode, I must state that this podcast is

designed solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

While I bring my experience as a parent and grandparent, it's essential

that you know I am not a licensed therapist.

This podcast is not a substitute for professional advice from a physician,

professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

Got it?

Awesome!

Until next time, what is one thing you are grateful for?