One life lesson each week and a Reflection Companion to help you go deeper in recognizing unhealthy patterns, trust yourself more, and stop second-guessing your decisions.
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The Lessons For Life With Gramma Kate Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker are presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified healthcare professional, nor is it intended to diagnose or treat any medical condition. Users should not disregard or delay obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should consult their healthcare professional for any such conditions.
Transcripts
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(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) I used to think guilt was a signal, a warning light on
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the dashboard of my life.
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And for a long time, I believed that if I felt guilty,
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it meant I was doing something wrong.
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So I would stop, reconsider, adjust, and go back to the way
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things were.
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But lately, I've been noticing something that has completely changed how I
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understand guilt.
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I started giving myself permission to do things.
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Simple things.
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Walking, resting, working on my business the way I want to, spending
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time doing things that brought me joy, living what I call my
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rich life.
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And every single time I did, guilt showed up.
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Not because I had hurt anyone, not because I made a bad
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decision, but because I was choosing myself.
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And that made me ask myself this question.
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What if guilt isn't a warning that you're going in the wrong
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direction?
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But what if guilt is simply what shows up when you start
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going in a new one?
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Welcome to Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate.
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If you're done with people pleasing, tired of repeating the same patterns,
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and ready to learn what healthy relationships actually look like, you're in
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the right place.
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I get it.
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I was there too.
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At 65, I started learning the things I wish I'd known decades
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ago.
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Like how to see the patterns, why we keep repeating them, and
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how to finally treat ourselves with the respect we always deserved.
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And somewhere along the way, I realized something that changed everything.
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When we don't understand our patterns, we pass them on.
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Not because we're bad parents, but because no one ever showed us
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anything different.
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That realization drives everything I do.
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And if you'd like to go deeper, I've created a reflection companion
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for each week's topic.
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You can get it by joining my weekly email community.
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The link is in the show notes.
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Like a lighthouse, steady and strong, let's all shine a little brighter
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today.
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Here's what I think is one of the hardest parts of recovery
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for anyone who has been scapegoated or conditioned to put everyone else
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first.
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We were taught to use guilt as a decision-making tool.
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Not intentionally maybe, but the lesson was there.
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Feel guilty?
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You change your behavior.
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Feel guilty?
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You explain yourself.
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Feel guilty?
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You put it back on the shelf and wait for permission from
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someone else.
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So instead of asking, what do I want?
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We learn to ask, what will upset the fewest people?
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Instead of making decisions for what we wanted or needed, we spend
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our energy defending them, justifying them, or quietly abandoning them before
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anyone could object.
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And the result is that many of us aren't actually struggling with
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making those decisions.
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We're struggling with the guilt that follows when we do.
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Here's where it gets even more complicated.
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There are two kinds of guilt, and it matters that we tell
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them apart.
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One kind of guilt is useful.
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That's the guilt that shows up when you've genuinely hurt someone, when
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your actions have caused real harm.
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That guilt is pointing at something true, and it deserves your attention.
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But the other kind of guilt, that one shows up simply because
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you're doing something differently than before.
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Someone expected one version of you, and you're becoming another.
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That guilt isn't a verdict.
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The problem is that most of us were never taught the difference.
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We were taught to treat all guilt the same.
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To shrink, apologize, and course correct the moment it arrived.
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And that is exactly how we lose ourselves.
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The other day as I was scrolling through social media, someone I
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know in my community came up in my feed.
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To me, they're financially successful, they take great care of themselves, and
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are in excellent shape, which means they consistently make time for themselves.
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Looking at their life, my first thought was an admiration.
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My first thought was, huh, they have time for all that, and
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I don't.
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But the more I sat with that thought, the more uncomfortable it
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made me feel.
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Because if I'm being honest with myself, it wasn't really about time.
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Because I do have time.
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I have time to take care of myself.
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I have time to work on my business the way I want
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to.
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I have time to do things that bring me joy.
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So then I had to ask myself, if I had the time,
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what was stopping me from doing all those things?
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That's when I started a simple exercise.
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I began saying things to myself like, I give myself permission to
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go for a walk.
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I give myself permission to work on my business.
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I give myself permission to do things that make me feel alive.
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At first, it felt empowering, like I was finally doing something kind
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for myself.
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But the more I sat with that, the more I realized something
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even deeper was going on.
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Because every single one of those permission slips seemed to be attached
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to guilt.
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And not just guilt, also pressure.
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The pressure to have all the answers.
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The pressure to justify my wants and needs.
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The pressure to know exactly what I'm doing before I start.
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Then something else started to surface.
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I noticed that on the rare days when I actually gave myself
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full permission, permission to do the things that bring me joy alongside
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the steady, boring, necessary stuff.
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Those were my most productive days.
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My most creative days.
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The days I felt most energized and most alive.
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And that stopped me cold.
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Because if giving myself permission to enjoy my life actually fuels my
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best work instead of taking away from it, why was I still
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denying it to myself?
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Why was I still treating joy like something I had to earn?
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That question led me somewhere I wasn't expecting.
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Why do I think I'm not deserving of everything I want in
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life?
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That question surprised me.
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Because I would never say out loud that I don't deserve a
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good life.
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But when I looked at my actions, I started to wonder if
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I was living as though I believed something different.
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Why was I giving other people permission to have the life I
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wanted by telling myself I didn't have the time?
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Why was I treating joy like a reward instead of part of
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a healthy life?
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Why was I acting as though the life I wanted was meant
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for other people but not for me?
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And that's when I realized something.
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The guilt wasn't the problem.
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The guilt was the symptom.
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The guilt was pointing towards something deeper.
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A belief that I had to earn my way into the life
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I wanted.
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A belief that everyone else's needs belonged ahead of my own.
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A belief that somehow other people were more deserving of a rich,
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fulfilling life than I was.
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And maybe that's why so many of us get stuck.
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We spend so much time trying to get rid of our guilt
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that we never stop to ask what it's trying to show us.
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But once I started asking that question, everything became clearer to me.
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And that brings me to five life lessons I've learned, which I
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hope will also help you.
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Life lesson number one.
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Guilt doesn't always mean you're wrong.
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Guilt is a feeling, not a verdict.
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Those are two very different things.
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And most of us were never taught to separate them.
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When we automatically assume I feel guilty, therefore I must be doing
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something wrong, we hand over our power to our feelings.
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We let a feeling make our decisions for us.
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But feelings don't determine the truth.
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Walking, resting, working towards your goals, spending time with the people you
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love, none of those things are harmful.
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And yet guilt can show up anyways, because guilt doesn't only show
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up when you've done something wrong.
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Guilt can show up simply because you're doing something differently than you
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used to, and the old pattern is sending up a flare.
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That flare isn't telling you to stop.
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It's simply telling you that something unfamiliar is happening.
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Life lesson number two.
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Self-trust means consulting yourself first.
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For many of us, the habit of checking in with everyone else
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before we check in with ourselves runs deep.
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What will they think?
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Will they approve?
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Will they be upset?
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Will this cause a problem?
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These are the questions we ask ourselves first.
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Most of the time, they are the only questions we ask.
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Self-trust asks a different question.
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What feels right to me?
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That shift sounds simple, but for anyone who grew up in a
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family system where your instincts were regularly overridden, dismissed,
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questioned, or punished, learning to consult yourself first is genuinely hard
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work.
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For me, self-trust and deservingness turned out to be connected, because
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every time I told myself I didn't have time, what I was
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really saying was that something else was more important.
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Someone else's needs.
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Someone else's priorities.
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Someone else's expectations.
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Self-trust means believing that your needs matter too.
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It means moving from what should I do to what do I
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choose.
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And self-trust strengthens every time you consult yourself before you consult
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anyone else.
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Life lesson number three.
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Stop acting like the life you want is meant for someone else.
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This was probably the hardest lesson for me to see, because it
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was hidden underneath what looked like a time problem.
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When I looked at my friend, my first thought was, they have
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time, I don't.
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But that wasn't true.
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I did have time.
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What I didn't have was permission.
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Or maybe more accurately, I didn't fully believe I deserved the things
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I wanted.
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Sometimes we look at someone else's life and unconsciously assume they have
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something we don't.
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More time.
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More confidence.
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More discipline.
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More opportunity.
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More luck.
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But often, what we're really seeing is a life we don't yet
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believe we're allowed to have ourselves.
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The permission exercise helped me to see that I wasn't waiting for
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more time.
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I wasn't waiting for more information.
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I wasn't waiting for the perfect moment.
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I was waiting to feel deserving.
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And that's a very different thing.
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Because the life you want isn't reserved for other people.
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The question is whether you're willing to stop treating it that way.
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The moment I realized that, the permission slips started to feel different.
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They weren't really permission slips anymore.
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They were reminders that I was allowed to build a life that
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included me.
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Life lesson number four.
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Self-leadership means disappointing someone.
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This is where guilt is most often triggered.
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And this is the part most people skip over because it's uncomfortable.
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Someone may not like your decision.
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Someone may misunderstand your priorities.
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Someone may have counted on your staying exactly the way you were.
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And their discomfort, their disappointment, their reaction will most likely
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make you feel guilty.
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And in turn, make you feel like you've done something wrong.
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But here's what I've been learning.
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Self-trust isn't everyone agrees with me.
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Self-trust is, I can handle it when they don't.
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You can disappoint someone and still be a good person.
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You can make a decision that doesn't align with someone else's expectations
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and still make the right decision.
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This is one of the hardest lessons to actually live.
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Because the people we disappoint are often the people we love or
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the people who raised us or the people who trained us to
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believe that their comfort was our responsibility.
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It isn't.
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And it never was.
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Life lesson number five.
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The goal is not to eliminate guilt.
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Most people wait for the guilt to go away before they take
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action.
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They think healing means reaching a place where guilt no longer shows
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up.
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Where everything feels clean, easy and certain.
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But that's not how it works.
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Guilt doesn't usually disappear first.
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It shows up in the middle.
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Right when you're doing the new thing.
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Right when you're making that brave decision.
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Right when you're finally choosing yourself.
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Sometimes guilt isn't showing you where you've gone wrong.
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Sometimes guilt is showing you where an old belief is being challenged.
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A belief that says you need to put others before yourself.
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A belief that says joy must be earned.
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A belief that says other people deserve the life you want more
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than you do.
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When those beliefs get challenged, guilt often shows up.
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Not because you're wrong, but because you're growing.
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The old pattern looked like this.
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Feel guilty, you change your behavior.
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The new pattern looks like this.
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Feel guilty, you check in with yourself, then make a decision.
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Self-trust isn't the absence of guilt.
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Self-trust is making decisions that align with your values even when
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guilt shows up.
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That is the whole shift right there.
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The biggest thing I've been learning this week is this.
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The permission I kept waiting for was never really about permission.
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It was about deserving.
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Somewhere along the way, I started acting as though the life I
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wanted was meant for other people.
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Other people had time and I didn't.
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Other people could prioritize themselves without being seen as selfish.
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Other people could enjoy their lives without feeling guilty.
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But when I looked honestly at my own life, I realized something.
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I wasn't lacking time.
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I wasn't lacking opportunity.
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What I was lacking was the belief that I was just as
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deserving of those things as anyone else.
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And maybe that's why guilt kept showing up.
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Not because I was doing something wrong.
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But every time I trusted myself, I was challenging an old belief
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that said everyone else's needs came before my own.
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The more I sit with this, the more I believe that doing
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things that bring me joy isn't a reward for finishing all the
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boring things first.
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It's part of a healthy life.
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And maybe the question isn't, have I earned doing things that bring
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me joy?
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Maybe the better question is, what would my life look like if
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I truly believed I was deserving of the life I want?
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Because sometimes the life we're waiting for isn't being withheld from us.
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Sometimes we're withholding it from ourselves.
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And maybe the permission you've been waiting for has been yours to
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give all along.
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Whether you're starting to understand yourself more clearly or learning to do
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things differently, you're building the skills to grow into the person you're
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meant to be.
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Listening is important, but real change happens when you use what you've
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learned.
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That's why I've created Reflection Companion for each week's topic.
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If you'd like to go deeper and apply what you've learned today,
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you can get it by joining my weekly email community.
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The link is in the show notes.
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So choose just one life lesson from today and try it out
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this week.
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That's when things begin to shift.
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And if you want more life lessons like this, be sure to
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follow Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and
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YouTube.
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If this episode resonated with you, there's a link in the show
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notes to show your appreciation.
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Either way, I am grateful for you being here.
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If no one has told you lately, everything will be okay.
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Tomorrow is a new day and with it comes new hope.
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As I conclude this episode, I must state that this podcast is
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designed solely for educational and entertainment purposes.
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While I bring my experience as a parent and grandparent, it's essential
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that you know I am not a licensed therapist.
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This podcast is not a substitute for professional advice from a physician,
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professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
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Got it?
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Awesome.
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Until next time, what is one thing you are grateful for?
