When was the last time someone was disappointed in you, and you immediately assumed that meant you'd done something wrong?

This past week, a movie producer I've worked with over the past five years asked me to come back as the accountant for another film. My availability has changed since then, and I wasn't sure I had the time. I really wanted to say no. So I did what I've done most of my life. I tried to say no without actually saying no.

If you grew up as the family scapegoat, prioritizing yourself can feel selfish, uncomfortable, or even wrong. You may be so used to thinking about what everyone else needs that you don't even stop to ask what you need. Listen to find out how to respond differently.

What You Will Learn:

✅ 3 reasons prioritizing yourself can feel so difficult when you grew up as the family scapegoat

✅ Why someone else's disappointment can make you feel like you've done something wrong

✅ How old people-pleasing patterns can continue even when no one is pressuring you

✅ 5 ways to respond differently and start prioritizing yourself

✅ How to prioritize your needs without always putting yourself first

👉 You’ve Seen the Pattern, Now What?

One life lesson each week and a one-page See the Pattern. Now What? Cheat Sheet to help you identify unhealthy patterns, trust yourself more, and take the next step forward.

👉 With Gratitude

Did this episode resonate with you? 

You can show your appreciation for what landed. Either way, I am grateful for you being here.

👉 Follow Gramma Kate: 

Instagram

Facebook

LinkedIn

YouTube

DISCLAIMER

The Lessons For Life With Gramma Kate Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker are presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified healthcare professional, nor is it intended to diagnose or treat any medical condition. Users should not disregard or delay obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should consult their healthcare professional for any such conditions.

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) When was the last time you disappointed someone and you immediately assumed

that meant you'd done something wrong?

This past week, a movie producer I've worked with over the past

five years asked me back as the accountant for another film.

My availability has changed since the last one and I wasn't sure

I had the time.

I really wanted to say no, so I did what I've done

most of my life.

I try to say no without actually saying no.

If you grew up as the family scapegoat, prioritizing yourself can feel

selfish, uncomfortable, or even wrong.

You may be so used to thinking about what everyone else needs

that you don't even stop to ask what you need.

Welcome to Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate.

If you're done with people pleasing, tired of repeating the same patterns,

and ready to learn what healthy relationships actually look like, you're in

the right place.

I get it.

I was there too.

At 65, I started learning the things I wish I'd known decades

ago, like how to see the patterns, why we keep repeating them,

and how to finally treat ourselves with the respect we always deserved.

And somewhere along the way, I realized something that changed everything.

When we don't understand our patterns, we pass them on.

Not because we're bad parents, but because no one showed us anything

different.

That realization drives everything I do.

Like a lighthouse, steady and strong, let's all shine a little brighter

today.

If you grew up as the family scapegoat, prioritizing yourself can feel

incredibly uncomfortable.

You may have learned very early that your needs came second.

Keeping the peace was more important than saying what you wanted.

You became the helpful one, the easy to get along one, or

the one who stayed small and quiet.

Over time, you stopped asking yourself, what do I need?

And automatically started asking, what does everyone else need from me?

And that early conditioning doesn't usually disappear when you grow up.

It can show up in the way you think about your own

needs, how you respond when you've disappointed someone, and even how you

talk yourself out of prioritizing yourself.

Here's where it starts.

Number one, you learned that having needs made you the problem.

When you grow up being blamed, criticized, or made to feel that

your needs are inconvenient, you learn to adjust.

You become good at reading the room.

You think about how your decisions will affect everyone else.

You may even try to anticipate what other people need before they

even ask.

But there is a cost to all that.

You start believing your needs are selfish.

So when you say, this doesn't work for me, or I don't

want to do that, it feels like you're doing something wrong.

And number two, when you start prioritizing your needs, other people may

push back.

Family roles work because everyone becomes accustomed to playing their part.

If you've always been the one who gives in, says yes, or

takes the blame, people may not like it when you start doing

something different.

You may hear things like, you've changed, you're being selfish, or why

are you making such a big deal about this?

And when you've spent years questioning yourself, someone else's disappointment

can quickly feel like proof that you're doing something wrong.

But someone being disappointed with your decision doesn't automatically mean

you've made the wrong decision.

It just means you stopped playing the part they expected.

Sometimes it simply means you're no longer doing what they've come to

expect from you.

And number three, eventually you don't need anyone else to make you

feel guilty.

This is the part I find especially interesting.

Sometimes nobody has to criticize you anymore.

You do it yourself.

You start asking yourself, am I being selfish?

What if they're upset with me?

Should I say yes?

Maybe I am making too much of this.

Wouldn't it be easier if I just did what they wanted?

Before you know it, you're putting someone else's needs ahead of your

own and they haven't even asked you to.

That's how deeply ingrained people-pleasing can become when you've grown up

in the family scapegoat role.

But I think there's an important distinction here.

Prioritizing yourself doesn't always mean putting yourself first.

There will be times when someone you love needs you.

There will be times when you compromise.

There will be times when you choose to do something for someone

else, even when it isn't particularly convenient for you.

The difference is that your needs get a seat at the table

too.

Instead of automatically asking, what does everyone else need from me?

You start asking, what do I need?

What do they need?

And is there a way to respect both?

That is something I am still learning.

And this past week, I caught myself falling right back into my

old pattern.

I've been a people-pleaser my whole life.

I was taught early to look after other people's needs well before

my own, especially my mother's.

Growing up, if I asked for help or needed something, my mom

often made it clear that I had to do something for her

in return.

I can still hear her voice.

And what are you going to do for me?

When I got married, my people-pleasing skills just got stronger.

Now I had a husband and children whose needs I could put

before my own.

I found work relationships were no different.

Over the past few years, I've been working on finding that balance.

But this week, I caught myself falling right back into that old

pattern.

For the past six years, I've done accounting work for the same

movie producer.

This September will be my fourth movie with him.

The problem is, my life is different now.

I'm busy building my own business and when I was asked to

do another movie, I wasn't sure how it was going to fit

everything in to my already busy schedule.

Part of me really wanted to say no, but I couldn't do

it.

Instead, I found myself trying to say no in passive ways.

I hoped they would somehow realize how busy I was and decide

they didn't need me.

Why?

Because I didn't want to hurt and disappoint them.

Then one morning, while I was writing out my philosophy for living,

something hit me.

I write this philosophy every morning.

I write about my values.

I write about my intentions for the day.

I write about living according to what matters to me.

And that's when I had my aha.

How can I write this every morning and then not live by

it?

That changed the way I looked at my situation.

Prioritizing myself didn't have to mean refusing to do the movie.

And it didn't have to mean putting the movie ahead of my

business either.

So I emailed the producer and worked out an arrangement that would

work for both of us.

I'd get extra support if I needed it.

And since it was accounting, I only had to handle the urgent

matters as they happened.

It was a win-win.

And more importantly, I didn't abandon myself just because I was afraid

of disappointing someone else.

I think that's something those of us who grew up people pleasing

can easily misunderstand.

Prioritizing yourself doesn't always mean choosing yourself instead of someone

else.

Sometimes it means finally including yourself in the decision.

We've looked at the pattern.

Now what?

Because recognizing the pattern is only the first step.

Change begins when you start responding differently.

If you'd like a simple reminder of today's episode, sign up for

a free one-minute reflection and one-page companion cheat sheet.

It's designed to help you recognize the pattern, respond differently, and trust

yourself again.

You'll find the link in the show notes.

Now here are five things I'm learning about prioritizing myself after a

lifetime of people pleasing.

Number one, notice when your automatic yes kicks in.

For many of us, saying yes happens without us even thinking we

have a choice.

Someone asks for something and automatically our mind goes to, how can

I make this work?

How can I help?

What will they think if I say no?

That is old conditioning.

To respond differently before you answer, notice what you are thinking.

Are you saying yes because you genuinely want to or are you

saying yes because you are afraid of hurting someone?

You don't have to change your answer immediately.

Start by noticing.

And number two, ask yourself what you need before you respond.

If you've spent years thinking about everyone else's needs, thinking about what

you need can feel surprisingly difficult.

To respond differently before you make a decision, stop and ask yourself

one simple question.

What do I need right now?

Maybe you need more time to give your answer.

Maybe you need different arrangements.

Maybe you need to say no altogether.

Your needs don't automatically have to come before everyone else's, but they

shouldn't automatically come last either.

Give yourself time to consider them before you respond.

And number three, give yourself permission to disappoint someone.

This one can be especially difficult when you grew up as a

family scapegoat.

When you grow up being blamed, someone being unhappy with you can

bring back that familiar feeling that you must have done something wrong.

But disappointing someone is part of being in healthy relationships.

Sometimes people aren't going to like your decisions.

They may wish you had said yes.

They may not understand why something matters to you.

You don't have to fix every uncomfortable feeling someone else has about

a decision you make.

To respond differently, ask yourself, did I do something wrong?

Or is this person simply disappointed because I made a choice that

works for me?

Those are two very different things.

And number four, look for a solution without abandoning yourself.

Prioritizing yourself doesn't mean every answer has to be no.

Sometimes the answer is no.

Sometimes the answer is yes.

And sometimes the answer is yes, but this is what I for

it to work for me.

That's what I realized with the movie.

I didn't have to choose between doing the movie exactly the way

I had done it before or refusing to do it all together.

I could talk to the producer about what I needed and see

if we could find an arrangement that worked for both of us,

which we did.

That's the bounce I'm trying to create in my life.

I can care about other people's needs without abandoning my own.

And lastly, number five, let your choices match the person you're becoming.

This may be the biggest lesson for me.

Every morning, I write out my philosophy for how I want to

live my life.

But writing down what matters to me isn't enough.

Eventually, I have to live it.

If I say I want to prioritize my needs, then there will

be moments when I have to make a different choice, even when

the old choice feels familiar.

That is how I build self-trust.

Not by getting every decision right, not by never people pleasing again,

but by catching myself when I fall back into an old pattern

and responding differently when I can.

You don't have to suddenly become someone who always put yourself first.

You can start much smaller than that.

Notice the pattern.

Ask what you need and make one choice that includes you.

Because prioritizing yourself isn't about putting yourself above everyone else.

It's about finally stopping the habit of automatically putting yourself below

them.

If you are a parent or caregiver, one of the best ways

to teach children to prioritize themselves is to let them know that

their needs matter.

Give them opportunities to have a voice and age-appropriate decisions.

Ask questions like what do you need right now or what would

work for you.

Then listen to their answer even when you can't give them exactly

what they need.

You can also model this in your own life.

Let your children see you say I need a few minutes to

think about that or that doesn't work for me or let's find

something that works for both of us.

This teaches them that healthy relationships aren't about one person always

giving in.

We can care about other people's needs while also respecting our own.

The goal isn't to teach children to always put themselves first.

It's to teach them something many of us didn't learn growing up.

Your needs matter.

Other people's needs matter and healthy relationships make room for both.

If you grew up as the family scapegoat, prioritizing yourself isn't going

to feel natural right away.

You spent years learning that your needs came second.

That old conditioning doesn't disappear just because you finally understand

where it came from.

You'll still catch yourself trying to say no without actually saying no.

You'll still wonder if you're being selfish.

You'll still feel the pull to make yourself small to keep everyone

else comfortable.

But like I said with the movie, prioritizing yourself doesn't mean choosing

yourself instead of everyone else.

It means finally including yourself in the decision.

Notice your automatic yes.

Ask what you need.

Give yourself permission to disappoint someone.

Look for the solution that doesn't abandon you and let your choices

match the person you're becoming one small moment at a time.

You don't have to get this right every time.

I don't.

This past week proved that to me all over again.

You just have to keep catching yourself and responding differently when you

can.

Whether you're starting to understand yourself more clearly or learning to do

things differently, you're building the skills to grow into the person you're

meant to be.

Listening is important, but real change happens when you use what you've

learned.

That's why I've created a cheat sheet.

See the pattern now what for today's episode.

Join my free weekly email community.

I'll help you name the pattern, point out how it shows up

in your life, and how you can respond differently.

Find the link in the show notes or visit lessonsforlifewithgrandmakate.com And

if you want more life lessons like this, be sure to follow

Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and

YouTube.

And if this episode resonated with you, there's a link in the

show notes to show your appreciation.

Either way, I'm grateful for you being here.

If no one has told you lately, everything will be okay.

Tomorrow is a new day and with it comes new hope.

As I conclude this episode, I must state that this podcast is

designed solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

While I bring my experience as a parent and grandparent, it's essential

that you know I am not a licensed therapist.

This podcast is not a substitute for professional advice from a physician,

professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

Got it?

Awesome.

Until next time, what is one thing you are grateful for?