You keep walking away from conversations, thinking… what did I do wrong?

You try to say it better, stay calmer, explain yourself more clearly… but nothing in your relationships changes.

And over time, you start to believe the problem is you.

In this episode, I break down 5 signs cognitive dissonance in your family relationships is hurting you — what it looks like in real life, why it keeps you stuck, and how it slowly leads you to question yourself instead of the situation.

Key Takeaways

✅  5 signs cognitive dissonance in your family relationships is hurting you

✅  How cognitive dissonance slowly breaks down your self-trust

✅  3 simple shifts to help you start trusting yourself again

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DISCLAIMER

The Lessons For Life With Gramma Kate Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker are presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified healthcare professional, nor is it intended to diagnose or treat any medical condition. Users should not disregard or delay obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should consult their healthcare professional for any such conditions.

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) This past weekend, something finally clicked for me.

I had one of those light bulb moments where everything that hasn't

made sense for years suddenly did.

It honestly felt like putting the last piece of a puzzle in

place and the puzzle is complete.

Because for years, and honestly decades, I thought I was the problem

in my family.

I was focused on seeing what I was doing wrong, what needed

fixing, and how to improve myself.

But the more I tried to figure it out, the more confused

I felt.

What I didn't realize at the time was that I was trying

to make sense of two completely different realities at once.

And that was actually what was hurting me.

Not the situation, but constantly second guessing myself because some things in

my relationships didn't add up.

I've recently learned this is called cognitive dissonance.

Welcome to Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate.

If you're done with people pleasing, tired of repeating the same patterns,

and ready to learn what healthy relationships actually look like, you're in

the right place.

I get it.

I was there too.

At 65, I started learning the things I wish I'd known decades

ago.

Like how to see the patterns, why we keep repeating them, and

how to finally treat ourselves with the respect we always deserved.

Like a lighthouse steady and strong, let's all shine a little brighter

today.

Cognitive dissonance, which sounds very clinical, is what happens when what you

feel and know doesn't match what you're being told.

And your brain keeps trying to make the two fit together because

it needs things to make sense.

And when your brain can't close that gap, that's where the confusion

and self-doubt start.

For example, you stay in a job you dislike by telling yourself

it is fine for now.

So both of those things are true at the same time.

You don't like your job, and at the same time, you're telling

yourself it's fine and you should stay.

But your brain can't hold both of those truths at once.

When that goes on for years, you stop trusting yourself.

So here are five signs cognitive dissonance in family relationships is hurting

you.

Number one, you leave conversations feeling more confused than clear.

For example, you're in a disagreement with your spouse, and you're trying

to talk it through.

You're not yelling, you're just trying to have a conversation.

And instead of staying in it, your spouse shuts you down or

walks away.

And now you're left sitting there with no resolution.

Part of you is thinking, that didn't feel right.

We didn't deal with the issue.

But another part of you starts trying to excuse the behavior.

Maybe they needed space.

Maybe I pushed too much.

Maybe I should have handled it differently.

That's cognitive dissonance.

Because you know what a healthy conversation feels like, and that wasn't

it.

But your brain is still trying to close the gap.

And that's where it hurts you.

Because you walk away questioning yourself instead of trusting what you felt.

Sign number two, you keep trying to fix yourself to make things

better.

What happens with sign number two is, you walk away from a

conversation thinking, okay, I shouldn't have said it that way.

I should have stayed calmer.

Maybe I need to explain myself better next time.

That's one truth.

But at the same time, you believe that if you do just

say it the right way, or handle it better, things will finally

improve.

So instead of questioning the relationship, you question yourself.

You keep asking, what do I need to do differently?

You adjust.

You try a different approach, and then another one.

But no matter how much you change, nothing in the relationship changes.

And that's the dissonance.

You keep focusing on yourself, trying to get it right, while the

pattern in the relationship stays the same.

And that's where it hurts.

Because no matter how much you change, it's never enough.

And you end up feeling exhausted and not good enough.

The third sign is that you find yourself explaining away behavior that

hurts you.

You feel dismissed, ignored, disrespected.

That feeling is real.

That's your internal truth.

But almost immediately, another thought comes in.

They didn't mean what they said.

That's just how they are.

I shouldn't take it personally.

And those things might even be true.

But this is where the dissonance comes in.

You become so conditioned to making excuses for the other person that

you never actually stay with your feelings of being dismissed, ignored, and

disrespected.

You move past your own experience before it even has a chance

to land.

And over time, you stop expecting to be treated with respect.

And that's where it hurts.

Because you keep talking yourself out of what you feel and slowly

lose trust in yourself.

The fourth sign is that you feel guilty for how you feel.

You feel hurt, frustrated, or upset.

And almost right away, another thought comes in telling you that you

shouldn't feel that way.

For example, you tell your partner, that hurt my feelings.

And they brush it off.

And instead of thinking, that wasn't okay, you immediately go to, oh,

maybe I'm too sensitive.

You gaslight yourself.

So now you're holding two truths at the same time.

One part of you is having a real emotional reaction.

And another part of you is judging your own reaction.

And instead of feeling and asking, what just happened here?

You blame yourself.

You start trying to manage your reaction instead of looking at what

caused it.

And that creates a disconnect.

Not just from the situation, but from yourself.

And that's where it hurts.

Because you've stopped feeling safe to be yourself and start believing your

feelings are the problem.

And the fifth sign is that you stop trusting your own judgment.

Here's a simple example.

You're at the grocery store and you know from experience that your

family won't eat the no-name brand.

But the no-name is half the price.

So you stand there second-guessing yourself.

Maybe this time they'll eat it.

Maybe I'm being too rigid.

Maybe I should just try it again.

But you already know.

You've tried it before.

And your family doesn't eat the no-name brand.

That's cognitive dissonance in everyday life.

You know what you know.

But something keeps pulling you back to question it.

And that's where it hurts.

Because when you stop trusting your own judgment, you lose confidence in

your own voice and your ability to trust yourself.

For years, I stopped trusting my own judgment.

I would feel like something wasn't right in my marriage and in

my family, but I couldn't quite explain it.

Such as when there was a double standard, or when I was

being blamed for something I didn't do.

There was always this disconnect between my head and my heart.

The logical part of me and the emotional part of me.

What I didn't realize at the time was that I was trying

to make sense of two completely different realities at once.

And that was actually what was hurting me.

The one truth I was experiencing is things didn't feel right.

The double standard.

Being blamed for things I didn't do.

But the other truth I was carrying was that it must be

me.

That I'm the problem.

That I need to fix myself.

And that's where it was hurting me.

Because I kept trying to make sense of something that didn't line

up.

And over time, I started to question myself, doubt myself, and stop

trusting my own judgment.

As the scapegoat, I'm conditioned to believe that if something feels off,

oh, it must be me.

I'm the problem.

So I keep trying to figure out what I need to change.

Here's what I mean.

Three years ago, I made the hard decision not to attend family

function on my husband's side of the family because of how I'm

treated.

However, my husband, kids, and grandkids still go.

I tell myself, maybe just go.

Maybe this time it will be different.

Maybe I need to try harder or engage differently.

But I've tried that before, and nothing changes.

So this past Easter weekend, I planned a special day for myself,

dinner and a show in the city.

And on the bus ride to the show, I got curious and

journaled.

And that's when I had that lightbulb moment.

I've been living in an alcoholic environment my whole married life, and

it's become normal to me.

What I realized was how every family event centers around drinking.

A drink at dinner, a drink while sitting on the beach, a

drink after a walk.

That is how my family bonds.

But that's not me.

And for the first time, it made sense why I've always felt

like the odd man out.

Not because something is wrong with me or with them, but because

I was never part of that type of bonding to begin with.

That's where the scapegoat role comes in.

That's me, the one who didn't fit into that dynamic.

And that was so freeing, because in that moment, I realized I

wasn't the problem.

The drinking is the glue that holds my family and his together.

And by the end of my day, I felt at peace.

Because that realization accept me to see and accept who I am

and who they are.

And for the first time, I felt free to just be me.

This doesn't mean I don't love my family or I don't interact

with them.

It means I do it now based on my values in a

way that honors who I am.

And that's what led me to these three life lessons to work

through cognitive dissonance.

I hope they help you too.

The first life lesson is to pay attention to what you're feeling,

because that feeling is information, not something to dismiss.

At those family dinners I talked about, I often felt anxious, jittery,

and restless.

But I would brush it off and tell myself it was just

because it was loud and so many people were talking at once.

What I learned was that my body was actually responding to being

dismissed, made to feel small and left out.

My body knew before my brain did.

Now when something feels off, I don't rush past it.

I stay with it, because that feeling is telling me something, even

if I don't fully understand it yet.

The second life lesson is to pay attention to patterns in behavior.

I used to explain everything away.

When my husband would make a promise about date night and then

not follow through, I'd think, oh, he's busy at work, he's got

a lot on his mind, I'm not going to make him go

out after a long day.

But when he kept making those same promises over and over again

and nothing changed, that wasn't random.

And that changed everything for me.

Because I could finally see that this was his pattern and there

was nothing I could do to fix it.

That was on him, not me.

The third life lesson is that you can accept someone for who

they are and still choose yourself.

I understand that drinking is how my immediate family and my husband's

family bond.

I understand why it is the way it is.

However, I spent years thinking that understanding meant I had to keep

showing up in an environment that makes me feel small and dismissed.

It doesn't.

And I finally realized I can accept them for who they are

and still choose myself.

And if you're a parent or a grandparent, this is where cognitive

dissonance can either continue or stop with us.

Kids are always watching how we handle things.

If they see us ignore what we feel, rush things off, or

go along with something that doesn't sit right just to keep the

peace, they learn to do the same.

They learn to hold two truths at once and override themselves, just

like we do.

But when they see us pause and say, something doesn't feel right,

or speak up calmly instead of going along with it, or simply

choose not to show up somewhere that doesn't honor who we are,

they learn something different.

They learn that when something doesn't jive, you don't have to spend

years confused trying to make it make sense.

And that's how we break this cycle.

Instead of growing up wondering and second guessing themselves, they grow up

trusting what they feel and responding to it instead of ignoring it.

When you've been living with two different realities for a long time,

where what you feel and think doesn't line up with what's being

said to you or how you're being treated, your brain tries to

fill in the gaps.

And in doing that, you start blaming yourself because you believe you

are the problem.

But you're not the problem.

You've been trying to make sense of situations that don't add up.

And sometimes, the biggest change is once you open yourself to seeing

that clearly, you stop blaming yourself.

You stop trying to force relationships that never did work.

And from that understanding, you can start making choices that actually line

up with who you are.

Whether you're starting to understand yourself more clearly, working through

old family dynamics, or learning to do things differently, you're building the

skills that help you grow into the person you were meant to

be.

Listening is important, but real change happens when you use what you've

learned.

So choose just one life lesson from today and try it out

this week.

That's when things begin to shift.

And if you want more life lessons like this, be sure to

follow Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and

YouTube.

If this episode resonated with you, there's a link in the show

notes to show your appreciation.

Either way, I'm grateful for your being here.

If no one has told you lately, everything will be okay.

Tomorrow is a new day, and with it comes new hope.

As I conclude this episode, I must state that this podcast is

designed solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

While I bring my experience as a parent and grandparent, it's essential

that you know I am not a licensed therapist.

This podcast is not a substitute for professional advice from a physician,

professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

Got it?

Awesome!

Until next time, what is one thing you are grateful for?