Making friends as an adult shouldn’t feel this hard — but for many people, it does.

If you’ve ever walked into a room and immediately thought “these aren’t my people,” or stayed in a friendship long after something felt off, you’re not alone.

In this episode of Now What? with Amy Neufeld, therapist Amy Neufeld explains why adult friendships can trigger deeper emotional patterns that quietly shape how we connect with others.

Using a powerful therapeutic tool called pattern mapping, Amy helps co-hosts Andrea Rappaport and Jami Schaer uncover the invisible patterns influencing their social behavior — including why some people withdraw too quickly and others stay too long in unhealthy relationships.

Through honest conversation, humor, and real-life examples, this episode reveals why making friends as an adult can feel complicated — and what you can do to break the patterns that get in the way.

Why Making Friends as an Adult Feels So Hard

Adult friendships are complicated because they often activate deeper emotional experiences — including fear of rejection, past relational wounds, and the pressure to “fit in.”

Many people unknowingly fall into one of two patterns:

• Leaving social situations too quickly when discomfort appears

• Staying in relationships too long because they don’t trust their instincts

Both patterns can make forming meaningful friendships harder than it needs to be.

Pattern mapping helps identify these responses and uncover the emotional triggers behind them.

What Is Pattern Mapping?

Pattern mapping is a therapeutic tool used in Intentional Action Therapy that helps people slow down their emotional reactions and see the sequence behind their behavior.

Instead of focusing only on what happened, pattern mapping reveals:

• What activated your reaction

• What you felt in your body

• What thoughts followed

• How you responded

• What that response reinforced

Once you see the pattern, you can begin to interrupt it and respond differently.

Two Social Patterns That Block Adult Friendships

During this episode, two common social patterns emerge.

Pattern #1: Leaving Too Quickly

Some people enter a room and instantly decide they don’t belong. Instead of giving the situation time to unfold, they shut down emotionally or withdraw socially.

Amy’s advice:

Stay 10% longer than your instinct tells you to.

Often the moment of connection happens just after the moment of discomfort.

Pattern #2: Staying Too Long

Others ignore their instincts and stay in relationships long after they feel unhealthy.

Instead of trusting their initial reaction, they question themselves for months — or even years.

Amy calls this pattern:

“Not trusting the first flinch.”

The “Catch the Pause” Exercise

Amy gives listeners a simple action step to help interrupt these patterns.

The next time you receive a text, invitation, or social opportunity and feel even a small hesitation, pause and ask:

• Am I doubting myself right now?

• Am I pulling away too quickly?

• Am I ignoring a signal that something feels off?

This small moment of awareness can reveal powerful insights about your relationship patterns.

Key Takeaways

• Making friends as an adult often triggers deeper emotional patterns

• Some people avoid connection by leaving social situations too quickly

• Others stay in unhealthy relationships because they doubt their instincts

• Pattern mapping can help reveal the hidden sequence behind these behaviors

• Small changes in awareness can transform how we approach friendships

Follow Amy Neufeld

You can connect with Amy Neufeld and learn more about her IAT therapy work here:

Instagram

Facebook

TikTok

Email: hello@amyneufeldtherapy.com

Listen Next

In the final episode of this series, Andrea and Jami return to report back after putting Amy’s advice into practice:

• Did Andrea stay 10% longer in uncomfortable situations?

• Did Jami learn to trust her first flinch sooner?

Tune in next week to find out.

If you're struggling with connecting with others and making friends, we need to look at your patterns. IAT, we use a tool called pattern mapping. And I'm going to show you why it's so informative and how it can actually change your relationships live on today's episode of Now What?

This episode can go one of two ways. It's either going to be amazing or both Jamie and Andrea will end up hating me after I translate their pattern map. Are either one of you nervous?

Yeah.

I like being graded. one of those, I like to be graded.

I don't.

All right, well, watch out. Before we get into that, I want to say this. Making friends as an adult can bring up lot of insecurities. They can bring up a lot of insecurities we have about ourselves and, spoiler alert, we actually stand in our own way more often than not. In part one of this episode series, Why It's So Hard to Make Friends, I introduced the idea of pattern mapping. Pattern

a big part of IAT therapy. Its purpose is to take

insight out of your head and put it right in front of you. It's your why that you do things. And when we can see your pattern, then we can interrupt it and actually create the change. Andrea and Jamie bravely volunteered to do this exercise and share their results live on today's episode. Before we get into that, I want to give you

brief, brief, brief overview of what the pattern map looks like.

I describe a pattern map less like a worksheet and more like a snapshot of how someone's inner system runs in real time. a pattern map looks like your experience slowed down and laid out in front of you. It's not the story you tell about what happened, but it's the sequence underneath of it. It usually starts at the moment and it's something small and very specific and real.

Hmm.

And then we start to look at the flow, like what got activated, what you felt in your body, what your mind did with it, how you responded, and then what that response reinforced. So visually, you guys, it's not complicated. It's very simple. It's almost deceptively basic, but each step holds weight.

there's a rhythm. There's a predictability to what you're doing that once we sort of get it down on paper or post it up in my office, then we can take a look at each part.

you can see this for yourself in the flesh. If you click on the link in the show notes from episode one in this series,

can grab a pattern map template of your very own and take a look at what one might look like. All right, Jamie, let's get this started. Andrea, it's go time. I am going to channel.

Uh-oh.

Miss Cleo, I don't know her accent, here and tell you your fortune. Okay, I'm going to tell you your... I can't, I can't do it.

Think she was like Jamaican.

What?

I meant to make it like the country, not like make a Queens.

No!

Okay, Andrea, I'm gonna start with you. You're in the spotlight. You good with that?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

All right.

I have some things I want to run through with you. I did ask you to fill out the pattern map, Can you just tell us in a snapshot, if you will, what you spoke to in this pattern map?

Mm-hmm.

My moment was attending a talent show performance at my kid's school. And I described feeling very uncomfortable because I was ⁓ surrounded by a group of moms, a group of women whom I was once really close to, and there was a big falling out, and I felt very uncomfortable.

and did not want to be there at all and was really like closed off and had decided like, that's it. I hate every single person at this school, And then there was one moment that kind of like changed everything and sort of like opened my eyes to like, ⁓ I don't really hate everybody. I'm just really hurt.

And this is how I'm like digesting the pain.

thank you for that. And I took time to read over that. And, you know, I also have had other conversations with you. And as I would in therapy, we would go through this map and we would pull from different parts of what you have exposed and showed. And we'd bring that into the map and sort of test where it belongs. And if it is true in this, is what you laid out in the pattern map.

At what point do we get to name all these bitches? Because I'm ready for that, like at any time, and then they will all be tagged in the show notes with their home addresses.

in our burn book episode that's coming out soon.

Okay,

⁓ okay.

yep, there we go. That all will be revealed then. Watch out. Your name might be on there. Take a listen.

Andrea, I'm going to say something right now and I'd like you to tell me if this feels true. And listeners out there, you can do the same thing. You can think, okay, does that sound a little bit like me? You walk into a room and pretty quickly you decide what kind of experience this is going to be.

In that situation, I had already decided before I walked into the room.

So you, safe to say that that happens very fast for you. It is immediate. Okay. It's these things run through your head. Maybe this isn't my scene. These aren't my people. don't really

Mm-hmm.

fit here. If you're listening and you have a phrase like that too, I want you to notice if where you walk in, right, before anything has really happened and you've already made a call, that might be a running script. Andrea, any of those things go through your brain?

Yeah, all of them.

Okay. What's interesting here is you don't have one way of handling that in a moment. You actually have two. So when you're immediately summing up, not me saying, aren't my people, don't really fit in here. What I'm reading in this experience is you shut down. You'll close up.

Right? So you are just going to withdraw, but you also bring another one. So you will handle it sometimes as you show up really big or you carry the energy to make it work. Do both of those sound familiar to you?

if I'm uncomfortable, then I shut down a hundred percent and I won't even attempt to turn it on.

In my 20s and 30s, I showed up. I did all of the work because I didn't want to trust anybody else to do it. And in my 40s, I don't think I show up at all. I've gone to the extreme other opposite. I've really put up walls because of, I think, how hurt. And the hurt was in my 40s. The hurt was recent. But this last...

Mm-hmm.

round of like pain I've had with people. And I think a lot of it for me, like I struggle with relationships with women because I have had such a challenging relationship with my mother. And I think what had happened was I had really, after years of not being opened, I opened myself up to the wrong people and got really

hurt and that has now sent me into this place of like

Thank

steel walls.

Yeah,

no, and that can, and that is exactly when we take a moment that triggers and it is this protective stance that we take. Like when I said let down or we can't trust the interaction. You brought it all the way back to your mom and there usually is this point in time that we can go back to and find it. We don't have to stay there, but it is really helpful to be like, okay, there's where it all started. This is where it all began.

So when we're talking about how you show up, and even if it's just something where you're walking in, you know, I heard you say, yeah, you used to be more performative or put yourself out there and really show up and now you're more closed off or you withdraw. I would challenge that a little bit in session. We would sort of go there that sometimes even when it's not uncomfortable or this group of friends that are in the burn book or somebody else where there's interaction with or somebody that's more of an acquaintance,

I would gather you step into it rather big so that you can carry the weight again to avoid any potential of being let down or somebody not being there enough for you. So in order to like not even let that happen, and this is in something that is conscious and there's feedback you're getting and look, part of it is you and you're very charismatic and you really have energy.

So part of it is you being the authentic you. And part of it, would say, smells and looks like protective. Not inauthentic, but protective. Let me show up before I get disappointed. So a lot of people might also sort of relate to this. Instead of letting that moment unfold, you could either take control of it or decide you don't need it. And that's...

I think here's why it really shows up. ⁓ The moment you feel like you might not belong, you stop letting yourself belong. And you showed us this in real time. You went quiet, you pulled back and you decided the room, you decided what the room was, right?

But I read it and those two women that came up, I almost said, did they give you a tic tac? Are they around anymore? No, what did they give you?

I think they still make tic-tacs.

No, what happened was there was a woman sitting behind me ⁓ who I really don't know very well. And she had asked if I had an Altoid, like so random. And then she made a joke about some, one of the kids on stage, which any way to my heart is making fun of a kid on stage. So.

I was so quickly reminded how I really don't hate everyone. I'm just really hurt. part of me, I had made this decision like, I don't need anyone except for my like really true long.

Hmm.

standing relationships. Like I don't need to have acquaintances. And then I had that moment and I'm like, you know what? It is nice. And it is probably important to have those like real brief little interactions It does add something to your night and to your day.

you.

And I was glad that I was open enough for that. And I think that had that little moment not had happened, I would have walked away from that entire night with a completely different taste in my mouth.

Mm-hmm.

Exactly, I was just going to pose that exact question. If those two hadn't come in, what would you have done? And your answer says it all. Nothing changed about the room, right? zero changed about the room. you stayed in it long enough for something different to happen. And this is where I want everybody to really check in and listen. Where do you do this? Where do you walk in?

feel that moment of discomfort and quietly decide, fuck this, or this isn't for me, be careful with not my people because sometimes it just means I'm not comfortable yet. So Andrea, I am gonna give you a now what that speaks exactly to this, okay? A little action step that you can do and practice. You did it already without even knowing.

No, ahead.

You're not going to be more interesting or more outgoing. You're also not going to pull back. You're going to stay 10 % longer than your instinct to pull back is. That's actually all I'm asking you to do. So when you're feeling that, ⁓ my God, these people, man, I need you to stay 10 %...

longer before you pull back because those tic tac women are there. That connection is going to happen. And it potentially could if you stayed. If you had bailed before the tic tacs came to you and spoke to you, you wouldn't have felt differently. Because you stayed in it longer, you got to experience something different. Again, that room didn't change. You staying longer changed

you felt in the room.

Please.

Because most of the time, it's not the connection that isn't there. it's you left that place or that moment before you had a chance to have it find you.

Yeah, I get it. I I had to stay in that room because it was a talent show. Like it wasn't a party. I couldn't just leave. And so I think that this challenge is even more challenging because I have to now put myself in a position where I can leave and choose to stay 10 % longer.

Mm-hmm.

I don't think I struggle with friendships. I think I struggle with acquaintances.

I'm actually going to say it might not be either. It might be what you're struggling with. I think you probably are fine with all of that. It's the fear that stepping in. It's that I can't handle being hurt again. don't know who disappointed you in your life, but who didn't show up for you. I guess it's your mom you said, but somebody didn't show up for you. And I'm going way back though. I'm not going to hurt and someone like, know, the cafeteria type of hurt.

I'll tell you, do you want all of their names?

Yeah.

I'm talking about somebody that needed to be there for you and wasn't and how unsafe that felt. So to connect and to be there and to trust that word, I'm putting out there big and bold to be able to trust that people will show up for you even in the little gathering at your coffee shop. It's where you're either going to over or under.

So what I'm hearing is, number one, this is obviously like an issue that I have about being let down or somebody not being there for me. And it's probably deeper than just friendships. But the one thing that I can do right now is to give it a chance and to stay 10 % longer in a situation to see if that positive tick-tack, which is

There we go. Yes, good. And I know that we aren't looking for big change here. We're looking for a shift in you that you feel different inside. The room's not going to change. You might feel slightly different. And if you don't, you did it anyway. And that's going to bring about a feeling, a different feeling that you actually stayed. Good job, Andrea. Okay.

I like it. I'm going to report back. I'm going to do it.

I promise. And I'm reporting back next week.

Excellent. And

not in a place where you have to stay, right? We've got that clear. A place where you have an option.

right, can't be a place

that I'm chained down to, I get it. No, no, no, I'm going to choose to stay. Choose to stay.

Good. Okay.

Super. All right. Let's move over to Jamie. Jamie, still with us? Did you run? Okay, good. Okay. We are definitely going to have a shop-a-thon. ⁓ Jamie, yours is very different. And I'd like to run through, if you wouldn't mind also, just very briefly maybe sharing with us what it was like for you, some stuff that came up, or just the moment that you were talking about in your...

I'm here, I'm just doing some online shopping.

pattern map that you took a look at.

Yes, so mine was different. And when I went into it, I'm like, yeah, okay, I'm gonna think about a time when I pulled back or I wasn't being as social. And the only thing that kept coming to mind is how I have intentionally pulled away, like kind of fizzled out of two friendships that were genuinely.

unhealthy. And I kept coming back to that the more I tried to think, okay, when was the last time I was social? I just remembered these moments when I pulled back from two people, which is something I hadn't done before. I have a tendency, you know, I still have friends from high school and college, like, when I don't really have a falling out with a friend. And

I think I stay too long in friendships that aren't healthy. And I don't, I could probably guess why that is, but I'm kind of proud of myself and I don't know if it's in my ripe old age of 21, but I feel like something in me shifted when I was helping my daughter through a mean girl situation.

And I realized as I've been helping her with this.

that I was doing that. I was staying in one friendship in particular where I've never felt valued and I just kind of hung on and I'm proud of myself because as I went through this pattern map I realized I've pulled back intentionally and that's a good thing.

Great, thank you for sharing that. I think a lot of people are going to relate to or maybe see themselves a little bit in this one. You're not somebody that...

that who leaves too fast, as we saw Andrea wants to or leaves meaning shut down, ⁓ you actually stay. But you stay while questioning yourself, right? And we went into detail in this, like I would in session, in an IAT session, we'd really unpack a lot of each thing. And you had gone into some detail about how long you stayed and how much you questioned yourself. That feels true, that part of it?

That feels so true.

Okay, so you notice something feels off something doesn't sit right,

but instead of trusting that signal, you start wondering if it's you. Or at least in what you had described, I think even in the decorator description, right? A story that sort of went along with this. Again, guys, in sessions, as we're going through maps, we'll pull from lots of little different things in your life to add to this pattern. So...

if you're listening and you notice this is part of you too, this is where something in you goes, hmm, this doesn't feel good. But instead of listening to that, you explain it away. You normalize it or you give it more time, a lot more time. think, Jamie, you may have said like seven years or something when we were talking through this. What's so interesting about your pattern is you don't trust your discomfort until it becomes undeniable.

You override your own signal until you have tons of proof, enough proof where it's like hitting you over the head.

Yes, that's exactly what I do or what I used to do. It's so true.

Okay, it's not that you didn't know because you knew, like you got it. You just didn't trust what you knew yet. And I do think a lot of people do this. I think they think they're being unfair or unkind or they're being discerning. And we can confuse discerning with this. Really, they're doubting themselves longer than they're questioning the relationship. So do you feel that? Do you feel like you questioned yourself longer than you questioned her?

I I absolutely did question myself and I tried to like, I listened to podcasts and I did some exploration and I really thought I was being...

almost unfair in my feeling, which is so interesting because usually I'm really confident, really in tune to how I feel. make decisions very easily. I know what I want. I know what I don't want. I'm usually so decisive and in tune with what I want and what I'll accept. But for some reason, with this one friendship in particular, I just kept hanging on thinking that it would change.

And it just never did. And I didn't even realize I was in this unhealthy dynamic until I was giving my daughter this advice. And I'm like, wait a second, I'm literally doing this.

Sure, that's the part. Like, you're not missing the red flag. You were overriding your own greed on it. I think somewhere along the way, you learn not to trust yourself too quickly. Like, what if I'm overreacting or being too much or reading this whole thing wrong? So instead of leaving when something first feels off, you stay or you try to fix or you try to understand or you wait for more evidence. And then by the time you finally leave, are...

Absolutely sure, because that's what your system's protecting. It's not just connection, it's protecting you from being wrong. I think a lot of people probably would recognize that too. Not stay because I love this person so much, but I stay because I need to know for sure that I can trust what I am feeling is right. And it's, yeah.

Right.

And that's what's so great about it.

Is there something wrong with Jamie

doing that though? like it seems like Jamie's doing the right thing.

Tell me, go. What do you mean?

Well, don't you want to be sure? Like, it just sounds like Jamie's being, like, cautious and the opposite of me, which is like, I make a snap.

You do want to be

Yes.

No, you're right. And you guys are doing really different things here. It is healthy. Discerning is healthy. But when discerning becomes seven years of discerning, you got to look at that red flag. You have to trust yourself. So I do want you to take a look at your first instinct when your first instinct is to say, ⁓ my gosh, wait, let me see if this is true.

great when it's your second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, when you're on year seven of saying, that's when we're not trusting our gut and we're not paying attention to that red flag and giving it weight.

Well, and don't we do this all the time? Like, I'm sure listeners can attest to this where you're giving a friend or your daughter or your son advice, and it's so easy to give somebody else advice. I think we need to self-reflect, and that's what happened to me. I'm like, I'm giving this advice so easily. I don't want her to stay five minutes with someone who doesn't value her, let alone seven years.

Sure, and I think, Jamie, what you're describing, because you were able to see this from a different perspective, and that's what my pattern mapping does, really. It's your stuff, but I take it out of your head and you get to look at it, so you see it a little further away, and that's what helps you see, like, kind of like, ⁓ aha, yeah, because we need to see these things. We don't just so much want to intellectualize them. We want to just look at it in black and white and make these little...

connections with my help. So I would say your work isn't to become harsher, right? And to your point, Andrea, it's not like, I'm bailing them out of here, red flag. So it's not to become quicker or harsher. The work is to trust your read sooner.

Yes, and that's one of my words for this year. I know that's so cheesy. My word is discerning. I want to be more discerning in who I spend my time with. And I'm going to quote Taylor Swift here. I'm sorry, but I am.

Taylor Swift said something like, access to you is a luxury.

⁓

and you don't

just give it away to everybody. And I love that so much. I say this to me all the time, access to me is a luxury. Not everyone can afford it. Because I used to give it to everybody.

I just like your-

I like your first line. I say this to me all the time. I want that to be like a bumper sticker. I want that to be my lead for everything. is where your pattern, Jamie, gets a little bit sneaky because by the time you finally act, Andrea, to your point, it looks healthy. Like that's what you picked up on Andrea. Well, isn't that good? It looks clear and calm and it looks like growth. It is, it for sure is, but the pattern isn't leaving.

The pattern is how long it took you to trust yourself before you left. Yeah. So if you guys out there, if this is this is where I want you to pay attention, all of you in your life, where do you do this? Where do you get a signal and then take yourself out of it until you've collected enough proof to finally say or if somebody comes to you and was like, man, that girl's a bitch. You're like, my God, I'm right. Right. So trust that.

So true.

flag. This is what I'm gonna tell you to do. And I know you can do this. I named it, Trust the First Flinch. Okay?

I love that. So

you know I love one-liners that I can remember and I feel like your listeners are gonna love this too. Trust the first flinch.

Trust the first flinch,

do we discern between flinching too fast, like Andrea, and it being a genuine flinch that you need to notice? Because not that I'm doubting how I feel, but how do you know that you're not being unfair or unkind

Also, how did I get labeled as a fast flincher? I was complimenting you and now I'm getting thrown under the flinching bus.

It's a fast lunch bar.

You need to put it on your bio, FastFlinter.

Fast

flinchers. Say that 10 times fast. Okay, I'm going to help you out. And remember, it's not about the leaving. That's not what I'm talking about. In fact, I don't want you to bail. I don't want you to pull an Andrea. I want you to just notice the flinch. So the next time you feel that pause, that little internal hesitation, just don't rush past it. Don't fix it. Don't explain it away.

Here we go again.

I don't want you to immediately make yourself wrong. I just want you to catch that pause and I want you to ask, what am I doubting right now? Again, there's that curiosity. I want you to get curious. Am I doubting them or am I doubting myself? Because that's where the moment that your pattern starts.

it's the, who am I trusting here? Am I going to back myself on this feeling? Just because you have the feeling doesn't mean it doesn't deserve a little more time in this space. All I want you to do is give your little pause some value. The goal isn't to become cold. And again, it's not to cut people out faster. It's to take your own signal seriously before it's become so overwhelming.

that you have to get out of the situation.

And that's what I love about this pattern map, it helped me validate my, this new found fast flincher enemy.

I'm so,

I love fast blood sugar. And really when you look at it, I will say again, it's deceptively simple, but it really slows you down. And that's what a pattern map is supposed to do is just let's slow this down and take a look at each part. You just heard two examples of what happens when you get curious about what's really stopping you from making friends. The pattern mapping exercise is something that we do in IAT a lot.

answering these simple questions you think is just a one-off, but it's actually informing you of something that you probably do again and again and again.

the takeaways are actually really universal because I'm sure that Jamie and I are not the only people in this world who leave a scene too early or stay in a scene too long.

They absolutely are universal. You can try these out. You can stay 10 % longer. You can take a look at that pause of, I trusting myself here? I do have an action step that I can give everybody out there. I've titled it, Catch the Pause. Your action step, it's super simple this week. Everybody go out and try this. The next time you are about to respond to someone, like a text to respond to an invite or anything social at all,

and you feel even a tiny pause, I just want you to notice it. I really do. I want you to simply notice the pause. Don't fix it. Don't override it. Don't immediately respond. I just want you to ask yourself, huh, what just happened there? Did I want to pull back? Did I want to lean in? Did I just second guess myself? Right? So, you know, if your answer is, really wanted to just jump in and lean into this hard, we would take a look at that

and dissect that a little bit. So your job is to notice, and this is an exact example in IAT how sometimes these action steps are these tiny little micro shifts because it leads us to the next little change and then next little micro action until suddenly you have found yourself operating in a completely different way. Because when you take a tiny pause,

That's where the pattern lives and that's what we want to look at. So that's where you get curious.

So I love this and I'm gonna have to remember the words micro and tiny because you know Andrea and I, and when we do something, we like go all in. So I picture Andrea and I just like swapping. Like I'm gonna become this fast flincher

and Andrea's gonna start staying too long.

⁓ Everybody wants a little more Andrea.

⁓ I don't think we're gonna Freaky Friday

No, Andrew wants you out.

this shit, Jamie.

Okay, and on the final episode in this friend series, Andrea and I are putting Amy's guidance to the test and we'll see the difference once we applied our action steps. Dun, dun, dun.

⁓

exactly.

I'm staying 10 % longer. You are gonna become a faster flincher. And if you guys are fast flinchers and have no friends like me,

then I've got a solution. I'll give you a Tic Tac and we can go hang out together over on Amy's social media. You can follow her everywhere at at Amy Neufeld Therapy. The links are in the show notes or you can slide right into her inbox at hello at amyneufeldtherapy.com.

Absolutely. can't wait to see you all there. And my final thoughts. In order to change your actions, it's imperative that you understand the why behind the actions. It's not as simple as, just don't like people or people just don't like me.

it makes you feel uncomfortable. The only way out is through, right?

And for what it's worth, I like you, I think you're great and definitely deserving of friends. And with that, my friends, I will see you next week.