Val and Em are flying solo (duo?) this week — no guest, just the two of them getting into one of their favorite obsessions: community. Why is it so hard to find your people as an adult? Why do we feel lonely even when our calendars are full? And what does the actual research say about what makes community work?

They get into the loneliness epidemic (yes, it's as bad as you've heard), the concept of third spaces and why we're losing them, the underrated power of weak ties (heeey Diane from Pilates), and what Priya Parker's The Art of Gathering taught them about the difference between filling a room and actually hosting people.

Plus—Val shares about resurrecting her guitar, her Buffy rewatch, and her tarot practice all at the same time, Em reflects on a trip back to the UK after 16 years and what it stirred up about cultural identity and belonging, and they answer a listener question from someone who keeps showing up and trying — but can't seem to break in anywhere.

Stuff we mentioned:

• The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker
• Priya Parker on We Can Do Hard Things podcast
• US Surgeon General's 2023 Advisory on Loneliness and Isolation
• Hackney Mosaic Project (East London)
• Community micro-hydro power in the Northern Philippines
• Camp Gaia (our online membership!)

Chapters:

• 00:00 - Introduction to But For Real Podcast
• 05:12 - Exploring Community and Connection
• 09:52 - The Importance of Community and Connection
• 27:23 - The Importance of Structure in Community Building
• 30:13 - The Birth of Camp Gaia: Building Community Online

Connect with Us:

• More about the pod / past episodes
• Watch us on YouTube
• Now That's What I Call... OKAAAAY Playlist
• Send us a story for The Lore segment
• Send in a request for advice for our Step Into My Office segment
• Connect with us on IG: @butforrealpod
• The Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenter
• Val on IG: @existentiallyval
• The Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co

DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.

Welcome to But For Real, a variety show podcast co hosted by two therapists who also happen to be loudmouth feminists.

I'm Valerie, your resident elder millennial child free cat lady.

And I'm Emerson, your resident chronically online Gen Z brat.

And on the show, we'll serve up a new episode every other week that will take you on a wild ride through the cultural zeitgeist, mental health and beyond.

You'll definitely laugh and TBH sometimes, maybe cry a little because this is a silly and serious show.

Buckle up, my friends, and let's get into today's episode.

Hi.

Hello.

Immediately, I just read.

Are we on a time warp?

Yeah.

Yes.

Time has never been real, but I feel like this year it's extra, not real.

Yes.

We've just gotten rid of the concept of time.

I agree.

And then I immediately was like, you know what?

We need to do an episode about time.

Time and the perception of it.

Absolutely.

To which neither of us have a great relationship.

But I'm endlessly fascinated by it, of.

Course, the loops and loops.

So, listeners, we are, you may have noticed recently, we are shifting to some more guest episodes.

We have some really exciting guests on deck soon, but, you know, occasionally we'll still do a little episode with just the two of us.

So you're stuck with us for today.

Well, of course, we just get a little duo for today, but yeah, very excited for this next round of guests that we have.

Just makes it so much more stimulating, I think, sometimes for us and hopefully for you all as well.

Now it's time for our first segment, tea and Crumpets, where we tell you what we can't stop talking about this week.

Mine is that I went home to the uk.

I went home last month after not being home for 16 years, LOL.

So it was quite the pilgrimage.

But I feel like it's, like, fundamentally changed me.

I'm like, way, like just being around family that I haven't been around in a really long time.

And then I feel like it gave me, like, quite a few interesting insights about, like, culture and heritage that I feel like I haven't touched in a really long time.

And if you've immigrated to America, you get it.

Or.

Or just, like, going to somewhere where you're having to adapt to, like, you know, the dominant culture ahead of you.

It's just I've just always had such a weird relationship with, like, my cultural identity, just, like, living so many different places, which sounds just, like, annoying.

Oh, well, good for you.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

White girl that you've traveled and you're privileged.

And I'm like, no, for sure.

And also, it.

Sometimes it kind of feels like, well, where is my home?

You know, like, where do you come from?

Where do you belong?

Kind of thing.

You're a little culturally homeless.

Yes.

Yes.

A little, like, culturally orphaned a bit.

I'm kind of like, hey.

So I don't know, I feel like I just went home and kind of had this.

Wait, no, this is my home.

This is where I come from.

This is actually, like, really important to me.

And.

Yeah, I just.

I just feel like I still have some revelations to kind of go through about, like, cultural and personal identity.

But it was really, really great just having family time and, like, time with my partner, which was really, really nice.

So, yeah, just a really great time.

Love it.

And I miss it.

And I'm grieving being in America because I'm like, wow.

Although, let's.

I mean, it's sad that this.

Who.

Populist trend.

Yes.

Over there, too.

It's a little.

A little scary.

Indeed.

One more thing I'll say before we jump into the segments.

Well, two things.

One, if you are watching this on YouTube, you will get to observe all three.

I mean, sure.

Of my beverages this morning.

Three beverage minimum.

Yes.

And also, one thing kind of behind the scenes that's exciting that we're working on is we're working on improving our AV stadium setup.

Yes.

And I told Emerson before she got here this morning.

It was just a show.

It was just one thing after another.

Well, this doesn't work.

Well, this doesn't work how I thought it would.

So soon.

Listeners, viewers, soon we will have improved audio and video.

Hell, yeah.

So stay tuned for that love.

Okay.

Oh, well, one of you.

I'm like, okay, what have you been doing?

Tell me about it.

Well, I did, because kinda I don't.

Know your three hobbies.

So, yes, I am recycling some hobbies.

It sort of happened, like, accidentally.

I just one day was like, you know what I'm gonna do?

Pick up the guitar that I haven't touched in six years.

And also I was like, I need to start a Buffy rewatch.

And now I'm just, like, knee deep in that.

And also tarot, which I have still kind of dabbled in over the years, but, like, I was really into about five years ago and so really into it again.

So excited and studying my cards.

And I'm not normally a hobby person.

I'm like, I like fitness and I like my work, you know, which is kind of sad.

I Mean, I love food and being outside and stuff, but, yeah, it's kind of fun to have these things that are lighting up my brain and getting me.

Getting me excited.

Yeah.

Stimulating.

Ooh.

Now it's time for step into my office, where you get advice from your favorite professionally qualified, personally peculiar therapist.

Dear Val and Em, I moved to a new city about two years ago, and I still feel like I haven't found my people.

I go to things, I try, but nothing is really stuck.

Everyone already seems to have their groups, and I don't know how to break in.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm just bad at this.

What am I doing wrong?

Signed chronically, the new kid.

Oh, my God.

I feel like even just, like, new city.

I don't know.

We're in Nashville, obviously.

Hey, we're in Nashville.

I feel like the thing that I talk to so many clients about is this exact same thing of, hey, like, I have people every week that are like, how do.

How do you, like, meet people and make friends in Nashville?

And I feel like it's not just, like, a Nashville problem.

Just city can be challenging or just.

I don't know, dude.

Like, moving in general just is hard.

Like, when you're trying to get in somewhere, especially if you feel like a lot of the spaces that you are trying to break into maybe are very insular.

They've just had their people for a long time.

You know, I'm curious of the.

I go to things I try, but nothing has really stuck.

Are the.

Are the things that you're going to, the things that you like?

Or is it like, I'm trying to go to this, like, meet up for something that I'm.

That I just know that people will be there.

Yeah.

Like, lots of shoulds.

Shoulding.

I feel like, really happens with, like, adults trying to find community.

And I feel like this is gonna sound, like, maybe, like, really stupid in a.

No, duh.

But I joined the Y. I never.

I joined the Y, like, purely for, like, classes and for fitness.

I honestly, obviously, I know that, like, part of the why is to be in community, but I just genuinely.

Everyone's gonna.

No.

Some people go and just work out and off, and I'm like, no, for sure.

Yeah.

I.

The people that I talk to at the Y, moms that are older than me, elderly people that, you know, like, I.

They're not like, like, my regular group of people, quote unquote, that I would, like, cavort with.

But that's what I consider, like, part of my, like, community touch.

Points because I just.

I'm like, hey, Diane.

I'm like seeing Diane at Pilates and shit.

I'm like, hey, girl.

And she's 67.

I'm like, we're not going to key outside of the Y.

But it just still feels so nice to have that touch point with her.

And.

And it was something listener that I literally was never expecting.

So part of my, like, tangential story with that is I know that it seems like really intentional that you're going and really trying.

And also maybe part of my message is try less.

I don't know.

I would like, be surprised if you just find what you enjoy and keep going to new spaces.

Something will happen.

Right.

And I think that's a beautiful example of like your.

Your why friends?

Or like those weak ties, which we'll talk more about in the episode that are like, you know, I think we.

We sometimes shit on because having one or two really close friends is so crucial.

And we have a whole episode on friendship.

That community in that wider sense is also really important.

And you kind of need both in a way.

Right?

So I think that's one of the things that I was thinking too.

And you're like, well, if you went and.

And it was just like, well, there's not really a community here.

A yoga studio, for example, if you're into yoga, you might have to go to seven yoga studios before you find one that feels like it has a community vibe, that's welcoming and inclusive and, you know, embraces you.

And that's no shade to those other studios.

It might just be that maybe they're less community focused or there just hasn't been that sort of magic alchemy that's happened in that space.

And so whatever you've tried, could you do more of that in other places?

Because sometimes it's just like volume, you know?

That's so true.

Yeah.

I feel like the, the why gifted me with that where it's just kind of.

Of course, the baked in community pieces there.

And Valerie's right.

Like people do just show up.

Or like it's the pottery class that you're gonna take or whatever.

A lot of what I've been talking about with clients is, can you go join a class?

Yeah.

Of some kind.

Because really, I feel like the class.

Most people are going to that because you want more of the community touch point.

You want the opportunity to talk to people.

So whether it's fitness or craft or like a creative writing class, like something within your interests.

Because I really hear, okay, I'm trying to join this or like a rec league or something, like something more.

And listener, you may be like, bitch, I've done those things.

And like, it hasn't gone anywhere.

But like Valerie said, you may have to keep doing multiple and just do it more.

Don't give up, keep listening.

Yeah, more to come from there.

But new kid, you're not the only new kid.

And you're so not alone.

And now it's time for the dsm.

In our dsm, all varieties of dysfunction, spiraling and meltdowns are welcome.

In this segment, we break down complicated concepts and common misconceptions about mental health, well being and tell you what we really think.

So we've talked about friendship before.

Catch our the One About Adult Friendship episode.

But today we're talking specifically about community, honey, the art of gathering, the science of belonging.

And just why you need more community than just your group chats.

That's a big.

And it is.

So of course, take a shot big time.

Every time we talk about tm, the loneliness, the loneliness epidemic, I'm obsessed with talking about it.

Very official.

Social isolation carries health risks comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

Yowza.

Wait, I'm scared.

That's a lot better.

Lonely bitch.

You better not be lonely bitch, smoking these ciggies.

So, of course, with that, social health is of course, like a legitimate dimension of well being.

It's not just a soft metric.

It's.

No, it's like genuinely something that you need to consider, like at every point, babes, at every point of your lifespan.

You know, drink your, like, little calciums.

I don't know.

So, so the distinction between being alone and being lonely, something I talk about all the time with clients and why people can feel profoundly lonely in a crowd or a big room of people in your marriage or even just with a full social calendar.

So we're talking a lot and we're seeing a lot of like, structural collapse of our, quote, third places or third spaces, coined by sociologist Ray Oldenburg.

So the places that aren't home and aren't work.

So this is your local coffee shop, the Y, the park, church, the bar, whatever, where informal belonging used to happen more organically.

And of course, the church spe piece specifically has been one that has been a massive cultural shift.

I mean, obviously grew up in the Bible belt.

There's still plenty of church going on.

Oh, throw a rock, babe.

You know, some of it is like, I, I have again, a Number of clients or friends and.

And myself in the past who've had beautiful community at church.

So it's not.

Not to throw shade on church.

However, the wider cultural trend, not just here, but in many places in the world, is that that type of third space is becoming less and less frequent as people are sort of moving away from structured traditional religion.

Yes.

That kind of goes into that.

Like the concept of our weak ties when we look at these third spaces too, like Val mentioned.

So weak ties is coined by sociologist Mark Granovetter.

Sorry, babe, if I said that wrong.

So our weak ties are acquaintances and.

Or like loose community connections, but these, again, like, we kind of like, not shit, like, sometimes shit on them or just don't give them the credence.

Like, small talk.

We're like, oh, we're like, oh, I'm allergic to small talk.

I'm like, all my neurodivergent clients are.

Like, I'm allergic to small talk.

I'm like, I know, me too.

And also we have to talk about the weather sometimes.

I'm sorry.

So, yeah, these, like, loose community connections are often as important as our close relationships and frequently more useful for resilience and resource access, which is just.

Hey, mutual aid.

Hey.

Like us, like, giving a shit about each other.

Hey, can I borrow your shop bag?

Yes.

Like, I need.

I need your, like, Bissell green, like, thing to clean my fucking couch.

I don't know.

So the peculiar grief of people who have everything and still feel disconnected and what that tells us about how we've structured modern life.

Right.

Like, everything that's getting in the way.

Busyness, perfectionism, fear of rejection.

Take a shot.

Every week, me to myself, when I have a client that's, I want to make a new friend.

But if I ask, is it weird if I tell someone I want to be their friend?

No, you're 35.

Go tell someone that you want to be their friend because they need a friend too.

You know, the layers of, like, past community wounds, feeling rejected if you've been rejected before, layers of neurodiversity and just, I don't know, the exhaustion of performing versus being received by people all the time.

So there's a lot going against us.

And it really is so hard because like you said, there are some maybe friend groups, for instance.

Yes.

That they're just like, they're all set.

They might like you, but they don't really have room.

No.

And that's one of the.

There's this whole group dynamics model called Firo that I know about because Bill Doherty kind of took it and applied it to families and couples and looking at, you know, how we can't jump to emotional intimacy if we have not first dealt with issues of inclusion and, you know, belonging and all of that stuff.

So, yeah, it's, you know, it A lot of times it's not that they don't like you, it's just they might, you know, whether it's a close friend or a group.

And I think that's the other thing I thought of with the, the new kid who wrote in is we see these, these stories and images of people with their like die hard friend group.

Yes.

And guess what?

That's actually not the norm.

It's like I, I understand wanting it.

I want it.

Sure.

And in some spaces, like my book club, we are a, we are a friend group.

But, you know, I don't have that, you know, the friend group that you see in some of the movies.

Me either.

And yeah, I think, don't think there's something wrong with you if you don't have that.

No.

So speaking of my book club, which to me is been such a beautiful example over the past two years of building community and what it looks like to do that intentionally and lol.

We read and I say we read in quotes because I didn't read the book yet.

Priya Parker's the Art of Gathering.

I did listen to fabulous podcast episode she did on We Can Do Hard Things.

And I was like, okay, now I'm so now I want to read now.

Now I have skin in the game.

But we had a wonderful conversation about a lot of these topics.

So I think I get a lot of the gist of her thesis, which, which is really most gatherings.

So, you know, there's this intersection of community and gatherings, of course, because when we are in community, what are we doing?

We're gathering.

And not every.

This was a really interesting conversation among all of us because we were kind of like, okay, we get that the intentionality, the purpose and all that is really valuable.

But also sometimes we just want to sit together.

Sometimes we want to exist with no agenda.

Correct.

And I think it depends obviously on the type of relationship and the level of closeness, safety, intimacy, all the things.

So yes, there's absolutely space with your people, whether we're talking one on one, small group, large group, to just exist together.

And I think that's so valuable.

But what Priya is talking about is a lot of gatherings.

Say we're trying to have an, like we want to throw a party, we want to throw a milestone event, like a wedding thing or a baby shower, that they don't always go the way that we hope or even, you know, just like a retirement party.

And we usually start with the form or the format.

I want to do an X party.

Yes.

Instead of, like, really tapping into what is the purpose of this gathering.

And then as the host, hosting your guests from the moment, basically you announce the thing.

I went to a beautiful event recently, which is kind of on the DL, so I'm not gonna name it here, but it's a woman in town who is amazing, and she's hosting these new kind of things, and she started hosting us from, like, the very first email.

And, like, little tidbits, little tidbits sprinkled to get us excited, to make us feel like we were already a part of something.

Get a thing in the mail.

Like, it's just.

It was so special to have that experience of what it's like to be hosted from the very beginning.

And then by the time you actually arrive at the thing, you're not only is the anticipation so high, but you already feel like you're a part of something.

So that intentionality.

In the podcast interview, Priya gives the example of her.

Her father's retirement party, where her mom went.

And, you know, they're just sitting around.

He was with this company, I don't know, 20, 30 years, and he, like, everyone was just eating and kind of cavorting, as you would say, but there was, like, nothing was happening.

And the mom was like, is.

Is this it?

Like, he's been here for 35 years or whatever, and this is it.

So.

So she had the courage, the vulnerability to stand up and kind of clink her glass and be like, hi.

So I'm wondering if anybody.

Would people be interested in sharing, like, a story about, you know, I'm.

I'm his wife.

And would people be interested in sharing a story about some kind of memory you have from working together?

Right.

And then one little brave, courageous intern, like, raised a hand and was like,.

Yeah, he's just always.

I know that if I have a thing, I can always come to him.

And he's been so helpful.

And then one by one, sure enough, people start really opening up, and it's just this beautiful thing and like that.

So it's like, it doesn't even always have to be super planned in advance, but just think of how different that party would have been without that piece, right?

So really honoring.

What is the intention?

What is the purpose of this?

And not just, oh, we're throwing a Retirement party.

So we're gonna put that.

Slap that on the invitation, bring some food and call it a day.

Get the cake and whatever she says,.

People, people sort of in.

In contemporary society sort of under host.

And I like that idea.

I think we, we fear.

We don't want to be seen as.

Difficult or too much.

Yeah, exactly.

And she's like, uses this phrase, generous authority.

Use your generous authority.

I gave the example of when I was in like sixth grade.

I and I have not lived this down to this day.

I had Spice Girls birthday party.

Shut up.

So of course you're supposed to come dressed as your favorite Spice Girl.

Correct.

I mean, well, favorite or the one you look like?

Because let's be honest, my favorite was Ginger.

Sure.

But I was a blondie, so I dressed up as Baby Spice, of course.

And I had a color coded hand, you know, markered agenda.

Like from 6:15 to 6:30, we will be in the garage reading magazines.

From 6:30 to 7, we will be, you know, whatever.

Perfect.

And shockingly, these 12 year olds were not ready for my generous authority.

They were like, bye.

They were like, fuck you, it's my party.

I think I ended up pouting in my bedroom alone for a little while.

Which bitch me and you need to get a drink.

Like I've had a party like this, but continue.

And luckily I learned to chill out.

Sure.

I think probably to like too much the other side where I'm under hosting because I don't want to be seen as difficult.

Thank God.

My friends were like, wow, we really expected you to be weird about your wedding.

And you were very chill.

I was like, see, I've grown.

I've grown.

But.

But still the generous authority.

The responsibility.

Yes.

To hold the container, not just to fill a room.

Correct.

And put food on the table.

Kind of one of my biggest.

We can maybe even do like a whole episode.

Like we could expand off of hosting in general because I feel kind of passionate about it just having a very good.

My parents are really excellent hosts, so that's always been modeled to me.

So when I've been in spaces where like the hosting is really terrible or it's the under hosting.

I am kind of like I want to jump out of my skin.

So kind of we need to know that.

No, that just makes so much sense.

Yeah, just like that little blurb.

Like if gathering were to succeed, what would be different afterward?

Like come with the purpose.

Yeah.

Plan it with the purpose in mind.

Oh, man.

Okay.

Building off more of that just in the.

Like, how do we make this actually work, right?

What makes community actually work?

More of the psychology.

So Brene Brown.

Hey, diva.

Her distinction of belonging versus fitting in.

I feel like most kind of pop psychology realm folks know about this, but if you haven't, fitting in requires changing yourself, and belonging requires being received as you are, which just like, holla.

So we have this other kind of framework.

This is from the 80s, babe, but it's the still.

It's still the golden standard.

1986, A good year, if I say so.

You said, hey, you know, we're looking at nearly 40 years of empirical evidence off of the sense of community theory, baby.

So this definition, per McMillan and Shavas Chaves.

Sure.

So community is, quote, a feeling that members have of belonging, a feeling that members matter to one another and to the group, and a shared faith that members needs will be met through their commitment to be together.

Hey, we just want to feel important to one another.

And there's a validated index for this, and it's measurable.

Like, we can, like, sociologically measure these things.

So more just kind of the conditions of this community theory.

A large element of this is that repeated contact over time.

I wouldn't have been chatting to Diane at the Y if ever so often.

We both weren't dying during bar, and I turned to her and said, oh, my God, I think I'm gonna die.

And she goes, oh, my God, me too.

You know, so, like that proximity principle, friendship forms through repeated, unplanned exposure to the same people.

So this is why you have school friends, right?

Because we're in the same grade, but then you're an adult and you don't have fucking school friends anymore because you go to work, but then you have work friends, and then you have blank friends or whatever.

So, you know, our neighborhoods and our schools were historically the most powerful engines of this.

But of course, that does change when we're growing up and getting older.

So because exposure lets people learn about others, they wouldn't have chosen based on similarity alone, which I think is huge.

And especially to, like, anyone living in Nashville or, like, a city, like, please take advantage of the diverse elements of where you live, especially if you live in a city and what that can expose you to in terms of this community.

Right.

Looking for those third spaces where, you know, when we think of Community.

Yes.

There's nothing wrong with like having unifying factors.

Like my book club is all child free women.

Yes.

So unifying factors, but within that, there's a lot of room for diversity too.

Like, you and Diane both love Bar, but you may not have a lot of other things in common.

No, I don't have grandchildren.

You know, I'm like, yeah, no, we don't have other things in common, but we love Bar, so.

And just kind of this gut punch.

The decline started before COVID We all think Covid killed everything.

It kind of did.

But this was before Babe.

So we've systematically dismantled kind of the conditions that used to generate that repeated contact organically.

Again, even before COVID killed a lot of that organic nature off.

So, you know, we're looking at shared meaning or purpose as kind of like another condition of this theory.

So One of the four core elements is shared emotional connection, which McMillan and Chavis called the definitive element for true community.

So shared purpose is what enables what macmillan later called, quote, the community's social economy.

So this is the medium of exchange, of self disclosure.

And a community is only as strong as the bargains its members make with each other.

I think of group therapy, right.

That universality, being able to put yourself out there and someone to pick that up.

Especially like, regardless, we've seen people who have not that much, much in common.

Oh my God.

In groups, but they have that shared emotional connection.

Yes.

And which creates that community.

Yes.

Yeah.

And kind of just that again, like demographics alone don't generate that economy.

They don't generate it in a group space or, or whatever.

Like you can have a room full of people who look alike and share nothing that matters and like the, the flips and vice versas of all of that.

So just kind of stretching, like how we actually think about this stuff is, is very important to how we make things successful and make community like lasting.

And ongoing and connected to that vulnerability.

Like skin in the game, emotional safety, willingness to reveal deeper feelings is really, you know, a prerequisite for that kind of shared emotional connection.

We were just talking about.

Obviously, psychological safety and structure helps again in some of the examples Priya Parker talked about, it's that little bit of, you know, bring a story of a time that you, you know, felt like that, that really pushed you to grow or bring.

Bring something that.

Yes, whatever.

That, you know, having that little Bit of structure can create more safety for everyone to share, including those voices that might tend to like, lean back.

So structure and vulnerability kind of together.

And that vulnerability obviously is like we talk about in so many settings, kind of a prerequisite for connection.

The fourth condition is again the container.

So the structure, more of the structures, the boundary, the predictability.

So structure, structure, structure.

And also we know within that there's room for informal conversation within a structured setting.

So I think of my book club, like the first thing we do when we arrive is we just sort of stand around the snacks and drinks and gab in little small clusters and wander around.

And then, you know, maybe 45 minutes, an hour later, we find our way to the couch for our like, structured discussion.

So there's that room for informality and more organic informal conversation within the structure.

And remembering that having that structured container does not actually restrict belonging, it enables it.

She was talking about how constraints can bring more energy around something.

Similarly to how if we think about if soccer didn't have rules, like you could do whatever and there were no bounds, it wouldn't be very interesting.

Right?

It's, it's interesting and brings energy because of the constraints.

And then another thing, just thinking about the containers, like, you know, online obviously has provided so many more opportunities, so many more types of containers that you can access from anywhere geographically, which is really incredible.

And obviously we know that it's like they're not one inherently better than the other, because I've certainly known people who've found online based community that was deeper and more meaningful than most in person relationships that they've had.

So it's not, you know, that, that in person is inherently better.

But obviously there we are, these creatures, we are in our earth suits.

And I, you know, I think it's best if you, if you do have good online community to still try to have some in person as well.

But don't shortchange the potential for online community.

One of my clients has made so many great friends through this game they all play.

Yes.

And she, I mean, these women are all over the world and they feel like closer friends and community than she's ever really had.

And I just think that's, that's amazing.

So, you know, collective individual healing shows that in group therapy, for instance, outcomes are as good or better than individual therapy for many conditions.

And I think that's because of the Social health element that's getting addressed in group therapy.

Yes.

Even if it's sort of like, subtly.

We're not always.

I mean, sometimes we're talking about it, but other times it's just happening right.

Right there in the room.

So that kind of leaves me talking about, like the.

The online thing, the power of community to share about a thing that this idea that I had back in January that is continuing to take shape and emerge is an online membership that the Gaia center has started called Camp Gaia.

Yay.

Yeah.

And so really, you know, there are so many times that we've heard our clients be like, talk about, oh, I just want to meet people who share this in common or I'm lonely.

And so that was sort of part of where the spark came from, was like, we can't because hipaa.

Right.

Just be like, hey, oh my God, you should meet this client.

Now.

Sometimes we can get them to come to group, which is amazing.

But not always.

And so having a space where, yes, geographically, a lot of our clients are based here.

And Camp Gaia is not intended only for people who live here.

And I think that's the beauty of it is, yeah, there may be like a pocket more of Nashville people and they could also have the opportunity to connect irl, but there might be other people in the world who have a similar sort of ethos of viewing individual and collective care as intertwined.

Right.

So how can we meet more of those people?

Feel connected with people who share that sort of value system, regardless of where in the world you are?

So Camp Gaia right now is, you know, it is in its infancy.

The way I'm looking at it, which I, as someone who is historically not very patient, I can tend to be like, well, this isn't working.

Let's just give up.

And I'm really trying to, like, let this emerge, let it evolve.

Yeah.

Because it is more than just community.

And the community aspect is probably going to be the hardest to, like, get off the ground.

Sure.

The other pieces of it, we're.

We're offering coaching, which is really valuable.

So I'm doing a coaching call every month.

We have a co working call every month where you can just show up, do all the.

You've been avoiding for the past two weeks, and we have a community connection call.

So if and when people like actually want to tiptoe in and be like, hi.

It's lightly structured.

Yes.

To kind of bring a little bit more of that, that sort of emotional safety and opportunity to tiptoe in gently.

So we have the live calls and then in addition to our community space, which is not on Facebook, not on Meta, it's on a beautiful little app.

Called Heartbeat, which is just so cute, by the way.

So cute.

So the community spaces, which is the piece we're hoping to get, that will continue to evolve and really take off the live calls with the coaching.

And the other element is the content, which we call the camp buffet.

Yes, the mess hall, baby.

The buffet, which is weekly guided meditations, weekly little audio pep talk from me, a little lesson each month on something that's really valuable for our therapy and coaching clients.

Kind of bringing that to the library of resources, a monthly movement class that I'm leading.

So all kinds of things there at the buffet.

And it's like 25amonth and we also have a lower fee for folks who just don't have the resources for that.

So yeah, I'm, I'm really excited about it.

I kind of feel like it is an attempt to really, you know, create this community, but also to be a space where maybe some people are only there for the mindfulness and movement practices and that's okay too.

You don't have to, to be seeking community, but really a community with a shared purpose, a shared, you know, bringing that generous authority into a little bit of a structured container.

We've got our different chat channels for different topics.

So if any of this conversation, this idea resonated with you, just know that Camp Gaia exists and that we'd love to have you and it'll be in the show notes, but it's Gaia center co. Center Co Camp Camp.

So anything you want to add about Camp Gaia?

I know it's still new and yeah,.

I feel like part.

Some of the most.

I've been doing some of our like content for the buffet.

So like that was even just so nice to kind of stretch.

I feel like I can speak to the piece of like community brain where, you know, I use my brain most of the time as a therapist, right.

Like in the, in the one to one setting.

But the content I've been able to do like some mindfulness, like nervous system regulatory stuff, like stuff that I'm really, really passionate about that I do all the time in clinical work, but making, making it in a different way, in a different format for people and also like how I've benefited from, you know, stretching my mind a little bit and putting that out there.

Part of that is the vulnerability, like being able to record myself doing something and know that it's going somewhere.

And like, yes, we do this podcast, but I don't know, you're just.

You're just always kind of stretching yourself in that way.

So I even like that for the beginning of Camp Gaia.

It's already given me something that in.

In a way of, okay, well, I'm, I'm a part of the Gaia center, of course, and I'm a therapist, and that's like my predominant role here.

And it's really fun that I feel like we can all use our skills and our mind to come together.

So we're already doing the community piece in house and we just want to share that, I think, you know, like, we are very community driven here as a team and so we're really hoping that, like, hits for you if you're wanting something like that and just like, it's low stakes, come check it out.

Like, I can't express enough, like how low stakes.

Right.

It is, you know, because we are.

We're all doing enough that makes us drained and hard or whatever.

So like Val said, if you come in just to try to hit a few things at first.

Okay.

Yep.

See what that's like.

No.

No strings.

Right.

And maybe you stick around and see what you think and if you like it.

Cool.

Yeah, come on down.

Exactly.

But for real, the research is very clear.

Yes, other people are medicine.

We need them.

And sure, not every person, not every community or group will be the thing for you, but the right ones, the right container, the right conditions, it is truly one of the greatest things in life.

So it is worth the effort sifting through the needles and the haystack.

Go find your people or build the thing where people like you can find each other.

Mic drop, mic drop.

And now for our last segment of the show, welcome to Fire Dumpster Phoenix.

It is rough out there, y', all, and we need all the hope we can get.

It's time to go dumpster diving for some positive news and rise from the leftover Happy Meal ashes together.

So I wanted to pull like a community oriented one in theme for today from the Good News Network.

Of course, East London mosaics aren't just regular street art.

They are collections of art completed by community members to lift mental health and to bring people together through the founder, Tessa Hankin.

Girl, why can't I say anybody's name?

Tessa Girl of the Hackney Mosaic Project had a chance encounter, I think over 15 years ago with a recovery group in Westminster whose folks greatly benefited mentally, socially and emotionally from the slow and methodical art of mosaic.

So, like, picking through all the glass and the pieces lining everything up.

They.

All of their mosaics that this project have done are like Roman style mosaics.

So they're just beautiful.

But for the past 15 years, Tessa Hunkin has reported seeing community members transformed by this art form.

Folks suffering with addiction, PTSD and more mental health challenges have been able to contribute to the beauty of their local parks by having this art form.

A lot of the mosaics are like, art kind of centered around, like, England and like London.

And then some of it's just like flora and fauna and art and animals.

And it really has just been this volunteer program that anybody is welcome to join and kind of sort through and contribute to the art.

One of the art pieces, all of the people that worked on that piece, I saw the picture, like their names were all mosaic in it as well.

Just so this, like, really beautiful, like, long list of names for people to see that they contributed to something.

I just thought it was so grounding and lovely.

And then on that link for the.

In the show, notes that we'll put for everything, of course, but you can go.

They give you the specific locations if you're ever in London.

I wish I would have known about this before I went so I could have gone and seen it.

But for you to go tour and go see the different mosaics, I just thought that was so lovely.

That is lovely.

Really great stuff.

Lovely example of.

Of connecting with your community.

And that reminds me, there's like a metaphor that I love related to mosaic, so I might use that as the audio pep talk for this week in Camp Gaia.

Okay.

Okay.

So mine is also not shocking.

We have our favorite sources from the Monitor in remote northern Philippines.

They're a local solution to the global energy shock.

So there's a mountain village in the northern Philippines where electricity doesn't come through transmission lines or fossil fuels.

It comes from a local river.

So every night the power is generated by a small turbine that turns that was built and maintained and managed by the community itself.

So they get to decide when to switch it on and off, and everyone in the village can access it, regardless of their, you know, economic situation.

So I'll spare you on the exact engineering of this, but it's very interesting if you want to check out the article in the show notes.

And that system has now expanded to two other villages in the area, a fourth under construction.

And so they're all sort of like, connected.

And they want to teach other villages, how to do this and the importance of managing it well.

Wow.

So, so cool.

And of course since the war started there you know, has been just energy difficulties globally.

Yeah.

And so their Philippines fragile import dependent economy, electricity costs, transport fares, all the things becoming increasingly difficult and almost 4 million houses in Philippines live off the electrical grid.

So these areas like this are hit especially hard when there's global energy issues.

But this community is not really feeling that because of what they've created, this decentralized renewable energy system that they are built and shield shielding some of these communities from what's going on globally with the energy crisis.

So it's beautiful.

I love the co founder of Indigenous People's Rights International, Joan Carling said the real solutions are already here here community led small scale energy systems that live in harmony with nature.

That's so sweet.

Oh my God, that's so cool.

So amazing what people can do.

And you know, it's like obviously this kind of micro hydropower is only scalable to a certain extent, especially with our greedy data use over here in AI Land.

But AI Land, Lord have mercy.

I love it.

Well, that's it for today.

Tune in for all of our stuff.

Special amazing guests upcoming.

But this was so much fun.

Good to see you.

Bye bye.

This has been another episode of but for Real.

Hosted by Valerie Martin and Emerson Ryder and edited by Volt Productions.

But For Real is produced by the Gaia center for Embodied Healing.

The Gaia center offers individual couples and group therapy for clients across Tennessee and in person in our Nashville office, as well as coaching and other programs programs for clients worldwide.

For show notes or to learn more about our work, visit Gaia Center Co or find us on Instagram, the Gaia center and at but4real pod.

But for real is intended for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for mental health treatment.

Also, since we host this podcast primarily as humans rather than clinicians, we are not shy about sharing our opinions opinions here on everything from snacks and movies to politicians and social issues.

Thanks so much for listening to this episode.

See you next time, bestie.