What happens to your sense of self when the earthly roles you play, mother, professional, spouse, suddenly shift, fail, or disappear entirely? In this lesson, we will explore the liberating shift from asking "Who am I?" based on temporary labels, to discovering "Whose I am" in Christ.
Here is what you will discover in this episode:
Realize the danger of "pigeonholing" your self-worth into temporary earthly roles.
Learn how life disruptions can reveal hidden "identity holes" and how to heal them.
Understand your standing as an adopted child of God through key biblical scriptures.
Shift your mindset from a lonely "it's just me" attitude to a confident "I belong to the Father" reality.
My Story: A Wake-Up Call in a London Church
Recently, I found myself wrestling with a deep, unsettling question: Who am I?
It all started during a church service in London back in 2023. A new member was introduced who shared my last name and came from my home country. I felt a sudden rush of excitement thinking we might be related. But just as quickly, a painful thought hit me like a physical blow: How could you be related? You don't even know who your father is.
Even though I was 63 years old and didn't "need" a father in my daily life, that moment revealed a massive, unhealed identity hole. It made me realize how easily our sense of self can shatter. We often build our entire identities on what we do or who we are related to. As the Scripture tells us:
"For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he." — Proverbs 23:7
When our earthly connections or roles crack, our entire foundation can fall apart. Let's explore how we can build an identity that can never be shaken.
Why Earthly Labels Place a Limit on Your Potential
When someone asks who you are, what is your go-to answer? Do you say, "I'm a mom," "I'm a writer," or "I'm a secretary"? While these roles are wonderful, tying your identity solely to them is incredibly limiting.
If your identity is tied to your marriage, what happens if that marriage ends in divorce? If your identity is tied to your career, what happens if you lose your job? When I was laid off from my Wall Street job in the middle of a massive financial crisis in New York City, everyone expected me to panic. But I didn't. Why? Because my identity was never tied to my job title.
When we define ourselves strictly by our circumstances, we easily fall into a lonely, defensive mindset of "me, myself, and I." We start asking ourselves fearful questions like: If I don't earn this money, who will? Who will help me make these hard decisions? Who takes care of me when I'm exhausted?
By framing our life as "it's just me against the world," we limit our options and block ourselves from receiving divine help.
Finding My Identity in Christ
The real game-changer in my life was shifting my devotion from my temporary labels to Christ. That is where we answer the deeper question: Whose am I?
Here are the powerful truths that define who you are in His eyes:
"But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God." — John 1:12
"See how very much our father loves us for he calls us his children and that is what we are." — 1 John 3:1
"For all who are led by the spirit of God are children of God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you receive God's spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him Abba father." — Romans 8:14-15
When my husband left me to raise our two- and four-year-old sons on my own, I had to learn how to rely on God as a literal partner. I co-parented with Him. He gave me wisdom for hard decisions, provided rent when money was tight, and filled my home with peace. Because I understood whose I was, I knew I was never truly alone.
Think of it this way: If your own child is thirsty, they don't knock hesitantly on your door; they burst right in because they belong to you. You are their parent, and you naturally care for them first. God does the same for us as His children. As He promises us:
"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you." — Matthew 6:33
Summary
[00:00 - 01:15] Introduction: Challenging you to look past your daily roles and ask: Whose are you?
[01:16 - 03:30] The London Incident: How a simple introduction in a church pew exposed a 63-year-old "identity hole" left by an absent father.
[03:31 - 05:45] The Trap of Earthly Labels: Why calling yourself "just a mom" or "just an employee" keeps you stuck in a lonely, fearful "it's just me" mindset.
[05:46 - 08:30] Surviving Life's Crises: Why my Wall Street layoff didn't break me, and how you can protect your peace when roles shift.
[08:31 - 11:30] Finding Identity in Christ: Grounding ourselves in Scripture to realize we are adopted, cherished children of God.
[11:31 - 14:00] Bold Access to the Father: The child-and-parent analogy, and why God's children get to step to the front of the line for His love and provision.
[14:01 - End] Journal Reflections & Next Steps: Practical journal prompts to help you apply these lessons in your daily life.
Your Self-Reflection Journal Challenge Grab a notebook and write down these three prompts to discover your true identity:
I have been identifying myself as ______.
Because I belong to Christ, I can begin to see myself as ______.
One need I can bring to God and one step I can take is ______.
Call to Action & Resources
If you're a single mom struggling with loneliness, fear, or grief, grab a copy of my 21-day Christian devotional, "Courage to Believe." It is designed to help you bring your hopes and fears to God so you can take your next steps with courage. It's available on Amazon in English, Spanish, French, German, Italian, and Portuguese, and is free to read on Kindle Unlimited! Learn more here: https://link.amazon/B0bdk17Qj
I love hearing from my listeners all over the world! Drop me a line at https://www.jrosemarie.com/contact and let me know how you are answering these identity questions today.
You are loved, you are seen, and you are never alone.
Follow me on: Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/solomomstalk
This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:
Podcorn - https://podcorn.com/privacy
Transcripts
WHO I AM AND WHOSE I AM
[:
Hello, Solo Mom. I'm J. Rosemarie Francis. I'm a podcaster, author, mentor to solo moms. I'm an empty-nest boy mom and a grandmother. I am many things, but recently I found myself wrestling with a deeper question. Who am I? Today I'm exploring identity. Not only who am I, but whose I am. If you've ever questioned your identity, wondered where you belong, or struggle to feel as though you fit in, this episode is for you. Keep listening as we explore how we understand who we are and whose we are.
[~:
So the inspiration for this episode came about from an incident that happened to me in 2023 as I sat in the pews in a church in London. So it all started when the announcer, the host, introduced a woman. She was a new member. In the introduction, I discovered that the woman was from the same country that we are—that I originated from. And also she had my last name, Francis. And I got excited. I could feel myself getting excited because I'm like, I wonder if we're related. And just as fast as that excitement came, came the, like a slap in the back of my head. How could you be related? You don't even know who your father is.
[~:
And it was like, the result was like a stabbing my heart, like somebody took a knife and put it to my heart. And I began to have this, these episodes where I realized it dawned on me that I didn't know who my father was and not knowing him, my missing father left a big hole in my life. Not my life per se, because up to that point at that time I was 63 years old. So, It wasn't like I needed them. It never occurred to me that him being absent meant that there was something missing from my life. And that moment taught me that there was a hole. It was an identity hole that was left unfilled because it was about something far more profound for me.
[~:
The absence of identity and the invisible impact that it left because that's how I felt at that moment. Invisible.
[~:
I didn't know who I was. I wrote about this on Medium and I've talked about this before. In preparing for this, in preparing for this episode, I went back to that time because I had another incident that happened recently that I won't go into now because I don't want to detract from the real message of today, which is finding out who we are. and whose we are. Because a lot of times when someone asks, “Who are you?” We say, I'm a mom or I'm a secretary or I'm the prime minister, whatever your title is, or you say what you do. I'm a podcaster or I'm a writer. And so, but are those things you?
[~:
Because one of the things I'm discovering is that who you are depends on what season you're in, at least for me. But I'm going to delve into this topic of who am I and expose how who we are isn't a temporary thing. And it's something no one can take away from us. But it also limits who we believe us—who we are to the core. Saying I am this, I'm a mother, I am a grandmother, or I'm an empty nester, or I'm podcaster, it limits who you are, a person, and it sends the message to us. I'm alone, or it's just me. And I invite you to listen as I go through this thought process, especially if you have doubts about what I'm saying.
[~:
So when we adapt that mindset of the who am I, when we can quickly answer that who am I question with what we're doing, it pushes into a—pigeonhole us into the it's just me, right? There's no one else but me. I'm a single mom. It's just me.
[~:
And it offers a sense of me, myself, and I, when I'm discussing who I am and what I do. But our circumstances does not define that. It doesn't define who we are. And it doesn't define whose we are. So as I unfold this, as I unfold this episode, I want you to follow me. Bear with me. It is a little bit different from what I'm used to talking about, but I think it's profound and I think it's useful. So I started by talking about the London story, being in church in London and hearing the announcement. For the longest time all my life, I'd connected the only connection I had to a father figure was my grandfather, which is my maternal grandfather.
[~:
And that's the only side of family I knew, my grandfather, my mom, my siblings, and all of those. And so that was my identity, right? But that identity shattered that more—that Sunday morning in church, right? It shattered because I came to the realization that there was something huge missing from my life. And whether I knew the father or not, I got to know him or not, it didn't really matter. What mattered was the fact that there was a hole in my identity and the one I have held on to all my life was now shattered, right? So let's explore the way we introduce ourselves, the way we think about ourselves.
[~:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7. Because some of these, the answers we give are just answers that pigeonhole us. It does have us stuck in a life that portrays it's just me. There's no one else but me. It's just me. And in that mindset, we have these stories we tell ourselves, if you will. And don't get me wrong, I was a struggling single mom. So I get it. If I don't earn the money, How will I manage? How will I feed my kids? Who's going to help me make these decisions that I have to make? And who takes care of me when I'm tired?
[~:
Or will there ever be room for my own hopes and dreams? And so in putting ourselves in these boxes and tying ourselves down with these descriptions, we are limiting our option. We're limiting our thought process. So here is where I want you to expand that thought process if you're one of these people. When you are a parent that everyone depends on and you say, it's just me, that can feel like a fact. There's no one else but you. It's a fact. It's reality, right? This is real. But when our relationship is a measure of our worth, then we have to stop and think about it, right?
[~:
Because we learn who we are through relationship, relationship with our mother, so-and-so's daughter, or his wife, or former wife, or a child of this person, right? And these relationships, they matter and they're important, but people have limits, as you can recognize by the absent father, the fights with the mother. you know, the disruption in family unit, every one of us is limited by our humanness and we have shortcomings, right? So somebody always disappoints us, whether through their actions or through our own expectations. And that usually switch our thought process, our mindset. So the husband who we built everything on, suddenly is gone and now we're left shattered. with another identity.
[~:
So our identity changes based on who we think we are at that moment. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. It's like, and this is big, not just for a person who loses their spouse, whether through divorce or through grief, but when we lose a job because we've identified with that job, or we start a business that failed or we're in an online community and somebody says something rotten about us. There are multiple ways we have to shift. It destroys our, our sense of self because the unit that we were hanging our identity on fell apart. And a big one again, not just marriage and relationship, but church relationship.
[~:
When that falls apart, we lose the identity that we tied to belonging to that church. Right? And so I hope I'm saying this in a way that you can understand. This isn't a wrong or right thing. What I'm going through our thought process when we stitch our identity to a role or a person, when that shift, when the role shifts or the person shifts, it can shatter who we are—who we view ourself to be. I remember when I lost my job in New York City in the middle of this financial crisis. It was the biggest surprise to everyone else the way I reacted because I wasn't sad, I wasn't panicking.
[~:
And it was because my identity wasn't tied to my job. It was a good job, it was on Wall Street, I was well paid, but I didn't tie my identity to it.
[~:
So when they said, we had to go home and don't come back, I wasn't shattered. But for a lot of people, that's a devastating time. People hurt themselves during the financial crisis. And so when we tie our identity to things and people, it can cause a lot of heartache, and it can cause a lot of grief. So I am asking you to rethink the way you think of when you ask yourself the question, who am I? Rethink how you respond to that question and ask yourself the question and answer yourself. I would suggest, I would recommend like I do all the time, grab a notebook.
[~:
And if you're one of those people who struggle with low self-esteem or you're going through a crisis, cause sometimes we discover these things in the middle of a crisis. Somebody let us down, something let us down and we're in crisis mode. Grab a notebook. And if this applies to you write at the top of that notebook, “Who am I?” Who am I that this person treat like that? Who am I that losing this job devastates me so much? Who am I? Answer that question for yourself and see what your answers are and how true do they ring to you? Are you hanging your self-worth, your lifeline on things and on people?
[~:
The question of identity and who am I? I was wondering, am I alone in this? As a divorced mom raising multiple children, I understand this mindset. because I've lived it. That's why I wrote Courage to Believe, a 21-day Christian devotional for single moms. Each day invite into a scripture and reflection as you bring your fears, your griefs, and your hopes before God. My prayer is that as you read through the devotional, you'll begin to see yourself as God sees you, and you'll be able to take the next step with courage.
[~:
Knowing who you are and whose you are. Get your copy of Courage to Believe today at Amazon. It's available in Spanish, French, English, German, Italian, and Portuguese and free with Kindle Unlimited. Tap the link below. Okay. So having said all of that, the next step is to talk about whose we are. We, we've just dealt with who am I? Now we're going to deal with whose am I? the question. So, and this section is called, Finding My Identity in Christ. Because that was the whole difference for me. There are a couple of scriptures that I wanna share. The first one is John 1:12, but to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.
[~:
1 John 3:1, see how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children and that is what we are. And the final scripture I'll share is Romans 8:14–15, for all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you receive God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him Abba Father. So, You get what I'm getting at is that once we learn how to shift our devotion from our labels to Christ, we have a different thought process. Now we are not alone. We know we are not alone because God promises he won't leave us alone.
[~:
Our identity doesn't change because someone dies. Your children are adults. You're now an empty nester. the finance don't work out. Your identity doesn't change. You're still God's child. So it allows you to think more broadly, more widely, and it allows you to shift your mindset to I'm loved by the most powerful omnipresent God. And I can freely ask him for what I need. So, and, one of the ways I like to always share anything about God is to share my own personal experience. There were many days when I felt off. I felt I didn't belong anywhere. you know, my mom had seven children, but I grew up alone basically. And I've always been alone because I never felt I belong.
[~:
But once I discovered God as my father, I knew I belonged somewhere and I felt I belonged somewhere. And When I learn about who God is and how kind and loving He is and how He takes care of us. When my husband left me with my two youngest sons, it was the biggest discovery I made about God in that if I was not in that position, I probably wouldn't know God the way I do now because I was left to raise a [unclear: “204”] year old on my own. And I had to turn to Him to ask for help. And boy, did He come through.
[~:
As the Aussie would say, boy, didn't he give that help a nudge. And so I want to share with you that when we connect our identity to Christ, we understand that he will take care of us. And you can then say, I may be the only adult in my home, but I am not a child without a father, because you have a father, and a good father. takes care of his children and God is a good father. So when we ask ourselves questions like, who's gonna help me make the hard decisions? Not last episode, but the episode before that, I talked about co-parenting with God. God will help you make those decisions.
[~:
He will give you the wisdom that you need to take the next step.
[~:
And yes, you have to understand he doesn't come and do it for you. What he does, he helps you through it. He guides you through it and he gives you the peace you need so you can endure. And he's not an ATM where everything happens right away, but there are times when it's rough, it's hard, it's tough, but he still comes through and you're at peace. I mentioned before that I was laid off at the height of the financial crisis. was living in New York City with two kids. My landlord didn't know I was laid off because I was never late with my rent because God provided and I did not panic.
[~:
I was at peace with that whole situation because I understood whose I was. So if you're wondering who takes care of me, I can tell you that God will take care of you and your children. Cause again, I remind you, Children are a gift from God and he will not leave you with that gift to be a burden. He will help you. So, so you being a mother, God sees, understand, recognize and acknowledge that, but that's not the only thing you are. So it doesn't limit God from helping you expand your horizon, your identity. Understand that answering the question, am I truly alone in this?
[~:
You can acknowledge where your support is missing while refusing to believe that you're forgotten. You're not burying your head in the sand telling yourself, you know, all is well, that ends well. You're telling yourself that, yep, I'm short this month or this week, but I know God will provide and he'll work it out because he cares for you and he understands. what you're going through. All right, so I have another one while I'm talking about this. Sometimes people ask, why doesn't God help other people? Like these kids are starving over there. I had somebody actually, I had posted a video about God the Father and this person, he responded in a comment.
[~:
He was an atheist and he wasn't nasty or anything. He just wondering, well, if God is so good, how come he's not helping? How come he allow all these wars? and how come he's not helping these children and how come he's not helping the homeless, just stuff like that. We often ask that question. Why doesn't God help so and so or that person or that demographic? And I'm going to just give you an example. And this is just an example because God works in mysterious ways in introducing this question. Why doesn't God help that person to answer this so that it's easily understood?
[~:
Let's imagine you're grocery shopping or you are shopping for back-to-school items for your kids. Do you focus on the needs of your kids primarily or do you try to buy for every kid that you know will need something? You don't, do you? You provide for the kids that are under your care. I'm going to do a comparison.
[~:
God helping you as his child is a difference between, you know, if you're on the phone in the kitchen or in your bedroom and you have a child in the house and they need something, they need a cup of water or something, they'll come through that door. They don't care you're on the phone because you're a mom and they know that they have a need. and you'll help them with that need. So they come boldly to you. Mom may have a cup of water. And that would be your training moment of how to do phone calls and stuff like that. But the point I'm trying to make is that that kid's not afraid to approach you because they belong to you, right?
[~:
Now a total stranger off the street isn't going to knock on your door and come bursting through your door and asking you for a cup of water because they're a stranger.
[~:
And that's what happens to a lot of people. know, the person on the street may be a total stranger to God. And so I'm not saying that he won't help others. I'm just saying that the person in the family, the person who belongs to the family is at the table, is at the front of the line. When mom's doling out gifts, she's thinking about her children. She's not thinking about... kids across the country or across the world. And God is thinking about his children, the ones who say, “Abba Father,” the one who says, God, I love you, you are my father. I am hoping I'm saying this the correct way.
[~:
When we belong to Christ, he honors the commitment that we make to him. Matthew 6:33 says, Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added on to you. And all these things is listed in the previous verse. It's not that he doesn't care about other people, because we're all his creation, but we who have accepted him, he's invited us into his life and we accepted, and he's gonna take care of us. He's gonna keep his promises concerning us. So it's an approach and how... we are and what the difference is between someone who belongs in the family home and someone who doesn't.
[~:
So God cares about all people in need. Let's ask ourself a question then. Have I been speaking to God as though I'm a stranger who might be turned away or am I his daughter? Am I talking to him? Am I approaching him as his daughter? who he will welcome to come near, to come, come on, right? So how have you been approaching the God who loves you, the Father who loves you? Here's where the switch happens. We no longer have to say, it's just me, because we can switch our thought process to, I belong to him.
[~:
And because you belong to him, you no longer have to say, I'm the only one who can handle this because it becomes, I can ask God for wisdom to know where to source the help you need. And you, instead of saying, “My children are my whole identity,” becomes, I love being their mother and I can discover what God is calling me towards in this season. And one more example is, The relationship I had that fell apart proves I'm unworthy. And that thought process can become, what happened hurt me. But it does not get to name, it doesn't get to decide. That relationship, that experience, that divorce, that bad relationship doesn't define who I am.
[~:
My father defines who I am.
[~:
So in closing, I want you to ask yourself a few questions and again, always grab a notebook. And a lot of these solo episodes, I will encourage you to have a notebook because I'm often going to ask questions, especially some self-reflection question. Write down, I've been identifying myself as blank. What have you been identifying yourself as? Because I belong to Christ, I can begin to see myself as blank. One need I can bring to God and one step I can take is blank. The story of me discovering the hole that my missing father left in my life, it's just something that happened to me. Our history tells only a part of our story.
[~:
But when we hide—when we lose our identity in Christ, we can answer the deeper question. Whose am I? I belong to Jesus and Jesus belongs to me. Thank you for listening. I hope you found encouragement in this episode. I would love to hear your feedback, what you think. Drop me a line and I have a contact sheet below. [email protected] is my email. Just let me know what you think about this topic and about the podcast in general. I appreciate you, whether you're listening from the US or Singapore, Japan, Brazil, the UK, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Hong Kong, or any of the many countries that I have listeners. I appreciate you. I appreciate you listening, taking the time to hit play.
[~:
Who am I and whose am I? I hope you find the answer to those questions and it will bring you the peace you desire.
