Some solo moms constantly battle "should storms" that often come from societal expectations. But as Tony Robbins says, this "shoulding all over ourselves" only creates negativity and stress.
In this episode, Pediatrician and author, Alison Escalante reveals ways we can parent more effectively when we listen to our internal cues instead of letting societal norms put constant pressure
Alison's simple strategy can help you navigate the sometimes overwhelming situations in parenting solo, especially if you're parenting teens and young adults.
This episode is for you if you're anxious about raising your children and want to learn how to parent from a place of grace.
Disclosure: This podcast is NOT sponsored. Some product links are affiliate links which means if you buy a product using one of the links, I may earn a small commission with no extra cost to you.
Mentioned in this episode:
Don't Parent in Silence
Hello Solo Moms. As a solo mom of three adult sons, I understand the challenges you face on a daily basis. As a mentor, my mission is to help you shift your mindset and empower you to take control of your life, to see yourself as God sees you. I know that unresolved trauma can be a heavy burden to carry and parenting alone can be a lonely journey, but it doesn't have to be that way. I want you to know that you are not alone. You have the strength and resilience to overcome your challenges and create the life you desire.
Speaker 1: 0:41
I want to help you to make the effort to tackle unresolved trauma and change your perspective so you can live the life you deserve. I offer complimentary consultation where we can discuss how to move forward, create a plan to help you heal and empower you. You can schedule a consultation by emailing me at jen@jrosemarie.com or by calling + 1-917-994-1329 (WhatsApp), or schedule a consultation with the link below. I am here for you and I want to help you take the first step toward healing and empowerment. Don't let unresolved trauma hold you back any longer. Don't parent in silence. Take action today and let's work together to empower you to live the life you desire. Thank you.
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Transcripts
Alison Ascalente: 0:00
In this battle of life, it's hard to keep your head above the water, to win this fight.
J. Rosemarie: 0:21
My guest today is Alison Escalente. Welcome to Solomon's Talk, Alison.
Alison Ascalente: 0:26
Well, thank you so much for having me on.
J. Rosemarie: 0:29
Yes, of course, all right. So before we get into what you do, could you tell us who is Alison Escalante?
Alison Ascalente: 0:35
Well, let's see, that's a broad question, right? I'm a mom, I'm a lover of dogs, I'm a pediatrician, I am a lover of books and before I became a pediatrician, I studied the history of ideas and culture. So how, like, an idea can move through a culture and change the way people behave? Yeah, and that all connects, because I've spent the last 15 years on a mission to see what I could do to help with all of the epidemic of parental and child anxiety that we're seeing.
J. Rosemarie: 1:21
Okay, all right. Okay, all right. Thank you for just sharing a little about yourself to you know, to us. So tell me, what do you do for your clients? Usually, I leave this question to later, but I want you to tell us. I'm a solo mom. What with children, obviously, mom. What with children, obviously. What can you do for me as a parent?
Alison Ascalente: 1:47
That is a great question. So there is, I believe, no parent who feels the pressure of our current parenting culture more than solo moms.
Alison Ascalente: 2:03
So I call our culture of parenting, um the should storm. It's a storm of shoulds you should do this, you should do that, you should never do that other thing. If you make the slightest mistake, you're going to mess up your child for life. It's a it's a culture of anxiety and criticism and it pushes perfectionistic parenting, and to add to that the treatment that solo moms have suffered for, you know, centuries. I mean it's just brutal on a solo mom.
Alison Ascalente: 2:36
And so I can't change society. I wish I could. I can't change political policies. And so I'm in America where, like we don't get decent parental leave, you know, or sick leave. Parents are really struggling with that and they need policy change. Right, and I can't fix that. I can advocate for it, but it's not going to be fixed tomorrow. So what I can help parents with right now, in this moment, is at least a way to reconnect with our kids and find more joy and confidence in parenting, instead of being driven by the worry and anxiety that our parenting culture puts us in that our parenting culture puts us in.
J. Rosemarie: 3:28
Yes, all right. Okay, thank you. And you bring to mind I guess we had, a while ago, talked about how to peer in from a place of love instead of a place of fear, and in your story, in your description of what you do, it seems like you're saying how to parent from a place that's not of anxiety, of anxiousness, of fear. Really right.
Alison Ascalente: 4:00
That's right. I mean, in many ways, you know, the parenting that I teach is actually scientifically based, and you know, when we talk about the three step method I offer, you'll see that. But what it really does is take us to a place of grace and compassion. So it's really a kind of grace-based parenting for ourselves and our kids.
J. Rosemarie: 4:26
Okay, got it, and are you able to share briefly those three steps with us?
Alison Ascalente: 4:33
So if you grew up in the US, your kindergarten teacher would have taught you what to do if your clothing caught on fire, and that was to stop, drop and roll. So I say, hey, if your emotions are on fire from the shit storm, sigh, see and start. Oh, okay. So first you sigh, and sigh is built into our body. We normally sigh several times throughout the day. Parents tell me this is easy to remember. They say, doc, I sigh at my kids all the time. Anyway, that's perfect. And what a sigh is is it starts with a deep breath in. Yes, but the key is that we breathe out long and slow, with a sigh. And this is very important because the long, slow out breath sends a message to our nervous system that you're okay, you're safe.
Alison Ascalente: 5:34
So the parenting anxiety puts our nervous system into what we call the fight or flight response. Anxiety puts our nervous system into what we call the fight or flight response. And when that response is on, our body is ready to deal with like a lion, right, so we're ready to run away from the lion or we're ready to fight the lion. But what? We're not right. And I mean, it's funny to describe our kids that way, but, boy. Sometimes it kind of feels that way. And you know, I mean, when we're in the fight or flight response, our brain does something very interesting. The parts of our brain that allow us to think wisely, the higher levels that are located in what we call the prefrontal cortex, those get shut off because you don't need to think like that when you're dealing with a lion. And the other thing that gets shut off is our social centers. We're not really able to connect, to express love or to experience empathy if we are in fight or flight. So it's very important as a parent to move out of that, because otherwise we're not going to be able to show up with all the skills that our kids need from us as a parent. And so sighing very simply starts to turn on the social nervous system, turn our higher thinking back on. And some people say, well, I don't know that. One sigh always does it. And I say, well, that's great, because when I'm worked up I sigh three times in a row and I find that when I do that I really feel my shoulders relax, I feel like I'm coming into my body and you'll just feel that difference. Okay, so after we sigh, then we see, see your child. See the situation, see their body language, notice what's going on. Do you have a child with sensory sensitivities? And there's loud construction equipment going on right outside the window? Maybe that's why your child is acting up, because you know they're very irritated by that.
Alison Ascalente: 7:40
C is your moment of mindfulness. You know a lot of mindfulness advocates tell us that we need to meditate for an hour a day or do yoga for an hour a day, and if you have that luxury, that's fantastic. But I don't know a lot of parents that do. And the science has also taught us that even brief moments of mindfulness, even that last like a few seconds, are actually incredibly powerful. So we see, we notice, we observe, without immediately trying to jump in and fix it, because when we're just jumping in to be a parent, we're usually reacting to the shoulds in our head and instead we want to be making sure that we're responding to the child in front of us. So that's what's so powerful about these brief moments of mindfulness. Okay, and then, once you've done your sigh and your C, now you start, and this is where the sigh C start.
Alison Ascalente: 8:45
Parenting method is actually starting to be very different from other parenting methods Lots of parenting methods mentioned taking a deep breath, pausing, mindfulness, and I agree with all of that. But then what do we do with that information? Do we still try to be perfect parents and then have all this stress about getting it right all the time? Well, with start, we take that more connected version of ourselves and then we make a choice about what to do next, next. So maybe I start by thinking about what to do differently here. Maybe I start by remembering that thing I read in that parenting article that actually seems useful in this situation and I try it out.
Alison Ascalente: 9:30
Maybe I start by doing nothing. I tend to be reactive as a mother, and so I find that doing nothing often gives my kids enough time and space to actually solve things for themselves, and it's been amazing what they come up with when I'm not all over them. Or maybe I start something and maybe that something works and I say, great, I've learned something. I'm going to file that away. I'm gaining confidence. I'm going to file that away, I'm gaining confidence. I'm gaining information, I'm gaining knowledge about what works with my child on this moment, on this day. And then maybe I start something and it backfires. It doesn't work. Well, in that case I might feel a should. Oh, I should have done it differently. I'm really messing this up, I'm a bad mother. Oh, I should have done it differently. I'm really messing this up. I'm a bad mother. I can't get anything right. But we know what to do. If we feel the should storm in our heads, we sigh, see and start again.
Alison Ascalente::
Mindfulness, and then running an experiment. Parents tell me that they gain confidence very quickly. You know it changes your relationship with perfect, with mistakes, because now, a mistake is not a crisis. A mistake is just part of learning right. And not only is this important for us as parents, but it's really important for our kids, because our kids are hearing the same perfectionistic messages, not just from us, but from the world around them. And if we can show up for them and say look, buddy, you know what? I'm sorry that that didn't work out best for us, we're going to try something else. I'm learning and growing right along with you. Well, that gives our kids space to approach their life like that, and that's precisely what kids need most.
J. Rosemarie::
Yeah, yeah. I like the three step method because, as a solo mom myself, I raised three sons. They're adults now. I could see where the sighing would help to relieve some of that tension that we feel in that situation. But unfortunately, instead of doing the C, we actually go to the shoulds. Right, we go oh, I should have done this or I should have done that, and we beat up on ourselves. So I like this framework because I think it would help us to better manage and handle what we're going through right.
Alison Ascalente::
I couldn't agree with you more and that's why my book focuses on parents. I also share a lot of stories for kids about what it's like for them in the should storm and I share lots of stories of parents working through using Sci-C Start and how it works for them and their kids and what doesn't work but but that's it is that if we don't look you know, as a pediatrician I was trained to look first at the child, but I quickly learned that if we're not first supporting the parent instead of criticizing the parent or giving them a list of shoulds that they can't live up to, then we're not going to get anywhere.
J. Rosemarie::
Yeah, yes, for sure. So, um, okay, so now tell us about the book and um anything you can share with us, how we can get in touch with you, stuff like that.
Alison Ascalente::
Oh sure, the name of the book is Psy C Start how to be the parent your child needs in a world that won't stop pushing. It's available in the US, wherever books are sold, and it's available on Amazon, so international readers can get it there. And the best way to find me is actually my website, which is Psy C Start dot com website, which is psycstartcom, that connects with all my social media and offers a lot of resources for parents.
J. Rosemarie::
Okay, all right. So what is Alison grateful for today?
Alison Ascalente::
I am grateful that I was able to get my son out the door to school this morning and that the birds are singing today outside my window.
J. Rosemarie::
Awesome, thank you. And are you a solo mom?
Alison Ascalente::
I don't remember if I asked you that I am not a solo mom, okay, but as a pediatrician, I have had the honor of serving so many families with solo moms and it's why I feel passionate that I feel like a lot of the parenting advice and the parenting books just ignore solo moms and ignore the unique struggles that they have and the unique courage and resilience they show.
J. Rosemarie::
Right, yeah, so much, so much resilience, so much love, and so you know that's why I'm, and people forget that people are women maybe mothering solo because they lost their husband in one way, shape or form, and so I appreciate a doctor like yourself who would come and in defense you know of solo moms and in defense you know our solo moms. So thank you, I appreciate you. So, before I let you go, could you please give a solo mom any piece of advice, as it's around not listening to the outside voices as much as they listen to their internal voices.
Alison Ascalente::
You know I think women in general have always been taught not to trust themselves, always to defer to the outside voices, that parenting is something that they are not really competent to do, but at the same time, they're also fully responsible for anything that happens to their child, even if it's not their fault, and so I think that's true for all women.
Alison Ascalente::
I think with solo moms, it just becomes that much more intense because it's really on you, and I just want to say that that's not the truth, it's never been the truth.
Alison Ascalente::
You are doing better than you think, and you know this method, believe it or not, because I believe in change through. Yes, it's important for us to have insights, it's important to understand hey, this is what you're being told by a culture. This is not necessarily the truth, it's just what our culture says, but that's not enough to free us. We make the most effective change if we have something we can do, and then that action also changes the way we think, and that's what size C start is, and one of the things that the method does with repeated use uh, people that really do it for a while tell me that they also feel greater self-compassion, and that's what I want for you, solo moms for is is to just know that you are doing better than you think, that sometimes you know if you have to work two or three jobs and you just don't. You and looks at you, you would see how lovely, radiant and powerful you really are.
J. Rosemarie::
Wow, thank you very much, alice Neskalente, for coming and talking to us today. Oh, thank you so much for having me on. Yes, for sure, any parting shots. I'll give you one more chance to just say what's on your mind, feel free.
Alison Ascalente::
Oh, absolutely, whenever you feel a should sigh see and start. Awesome, thank you.
