One minute you feel strong, clear-headed, and relieved… and the next you’re sobbing in your car wondering if you just destroyed your life. If you feel emotionally unrecognizable during divorce, you are not alone—and you’re not “doing it wrong.”

In this episode of How Not to Suck at Divorce, attorney Morgan Stogsdill and comedian/marketing guru Andrea Rappaport break down the emotional rollercoaster of divorce—why it happens, why it’s normal, and how letting emotions drive decisions can create legal and financial consequences you can’t unwind.

You’ll learn how to adopt emotional neutrality (without becoming emotionless), why realistic expectations protect your sanity, and the exact do’s and don’ts that help you stay grounded—especially when kids and co-parenting are involved.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

1. Why divorce triggers “emotional whiplash” (relief, guilt, rage, panic, regret—sometimes all at once)
2. The difference between feelings vs. facts in divorce decision-making
3. Why emotional highs aren’t the problem—expectations are
4. Why emotional lows don’t mean you’re making the wrong choice
5. What “emotional neutrality” actually means (and why it’s self-preservation)
6. How to ask your attorney for realistic expectations and a Plan B
7. The biggest mistakes people make when they’re activated (and how to avoid them)
8. Practical ways to regulate your nervous system and get off the rollercoaster

(Practical Action Steps)

If you’re in the early stages of divorce—or you’re already activated—here’s what Andrea and Morgan want you to do:

✅ 1) Adopt emotional neutrality

1. “That meeting went well. Okay.”
2. “That meeting didn’t go well. Okay.”
3. Neutrality is not numbness. It means your feelings are not in charge.

✅ 2) Ask for realistic expectations (every time)

When something goes well, ask your attorney:

1. “What’s a realistic expectation from here?”
2. “What if this strategy doesn’t work—what’s our Plan B?”

✅ 3) Don’t make permanent decisions in temporary emotional states

Morgan’s legal rule: if you’re activated, you pause—not react.

✅ 4) Stabilize with routine

Predictable routines regulate your nervous system when your life feels unpredictable.

✅ 5) Write it down—don’t react

Journal the emotion, then bring it to your therapist (not your attorney). Your attorney is your legal guide—not your emotional support system.

✅ 6) Choose ONE safe person

Avoid oversharing with people who escalate you (you know who you are, “Tina from the bar” 😅).

✅ 7) Use tools that reduce conflict

Consider structured communication support through a court-respected co-parenting app like OurFamilyWizard.

What Not to Do (This Can Hurt Your Case)

1. Don’t threaten your spouse (ever)
2. Don’t overshare with people who escalate you
3. Don’t send your attorney a midnight novel (it’s expensive and rarely helps your case)
4. Don’t treat one good meeting/email like it means the whole divorce will be easy
5. Don’t catastrophize one bad development into “I ruined my life”

Mentioned in This Episode

1. OurFamilyWizard (co-parenting communication app)
2. Save 20%: ourfamilywizard.com/not suck 20 (as stated in the episode)

Quote-Worthy Moments

1. “Divorce doesn’t bring one emotion. It brings all of them.”
2. “The high isn’t the problem—expectations are.”
3. “Emotional neutrality is self-preservation.”
4. “The law operates on facts, not your feelings.”
5. “The goal isn’t to stop your emotions—it’s to stop letting your emotions drive decisions.”

Who This Episode Is For

This episode is for you if:

1. You’re newly separated or just starting the divorce process
2. You feel emotionally unrecognizable (high highs + low lows)
3. You’re scared you’re making the wrong decision because you feel unstable
4. You want practical tools to stay calm and protect your case
5. You’re co-parenting or worried about how divorce impacts your kids

Disclaimer

This podcast is for educational and informational purposes and does not provide legal advice. Always consult a licensed attorney in your jurisdiction regarding your specific situation.

Find our playlists here: https://www.hownottosuckatdivorce.com/podcast

Rate our podcast 5 stars here: www.ratethispodcast.com/notsuck

Our Divorce Crash Course was designed to hold your hand through the process and help you avoid major and expensive mistakes. Learn more here: https://www.hownottosuckatdivorce.com/divorce-crash-course

Our Family Wizard is another fantasitc resource for those who need help navigating the "fun" world of coparenting. Head to this landing page to see how we work closely with them to support our listeners! http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/notsuck

Friends, slide into our dms, we love love love hearing from you. We are always here to listen and help in any way we can. You've got this and we've got you.

Instagram: @hownotosuckatdivorce

Follow Andrea: @theandrearappaport

Follow Morgan: @divorceattorneychicago

So one minute you're strong, you're clear-headed, you're relieved, and then the next minute you're sobbing in your car wondering if you just destroyed your life. If you are feeling emotionally unrecognizable right now, then this episode is for you.

If you're going through a divorce or you're thinking about going through a divorce, then this is the podcast that you've been waiting for. Hosted by Morgan Stogsdill, the head of family law at the largest family law firm in the country, and comedian Andrea Rappaport, we are gonna help you avoid the biggest divorce mistakes with our expert guidance, along with the laughter and levity that you need to get through this process. So let's go.

This is How Not to Suck at Divorce.

You know, Andrea, the biggest takeaway I hope that people get from listening to this podcast is that they make better decisions,

being proactive and not reactive.

but being proactive about your divorce can come with a lot of really big, uncomfortable feelings, especially when it pertains to your kids.

I couldn't agree more, but that's why I want you to consider using the co-parenting app to help with communication. Not just any co-parenting app,

We want you to look at the most court-respected app, Our Family Wizard.

You guys, please just visit the landing page that we created together. There is a ton of useful information and when you're ready to make the next step, our family wizard is ready to support you.

visit ourfamilywizard.com backslash not suck 20 to save 20 % off your first year of the essentials package.

Before we get into the roller coaster of love and

I have to tell you something that I just learned yesterday And it has nothing to do with divorce. Any idea what it has to do with?

hair and makeup.

Yeah, girl, you know me. Not hair and skin care, because that's like our other obsession. At some point, Morgan, I know that we're going to be like, yeah, we're done talking about divorce. We're going to start a new podcast that's like how not to suck at being an old bitch. And we are going to talk just about skin care.

I like it.

I learned yesterday, so I was meeting with a friend and a client of mine with my marketing firm who's a very, very well-known fertility doctor. She now has another practice that she and her husband are running, and it's a med spa, but it's a med spa that's not like most med

And it's all about how what's happening internally as we age with our hormones and the effect that it has on our organs, it has a direct effect on what's happening with your face and your skin. But the science that's currently out there is not effective. They've come up with all these things like, you can put estrogen on your face and you can do all these things.

but it doesn't really treat that really like deep layer of the derm of like what's happening, why your body is not producing collagen. So she taught me all this stuff and my mind was blown and I'm not doing a great job explaining it because I'm not a doctor, but they have this equipment.

that they just bought and they said that it's like the Bentley of machines.

with this treatment, something that they combine with like other things, you have significantly less downtime and you,

have initially that kind of botox fresh look, but it's teaching your skin to do all the things that other technologies do, like heal from within and grow and all that stuff, but in a much faster process. And I'm very excited about it. And I'm going to be a guinea pig and try it out on Monday.

If you look whacked, we are here to make fun of you. We are ready for it.

Okay, well, whack away. That segues into our after dark show. No, okay, fine. Laugh all you want. I am not gonna look wacky. I'm gonna look amazing. I'll show you. I'll show you how unwacked I am because...

You

Maybe you're going on an emotional roller coaster, but you are not going to go on a Let's Make Fun of Andrea roller coaster as I attempt to heal from within.

I don't know if that's healing within. I feel like that's just healing on the outside. But regardless, The emotional roller coaster All right, so if you're listening and thinking, am I unstable? mean, obviously the answer is yes.

But does it mean that I'm making the wrong decision? And this is talking about the legal side. And I want you to know starting this episode, the answer is no.

So yes, you're unstable, but no, that does not mean you're making the wrong choice. And the overall takeaway here, you guys, is that the roller coaster is a choice. Don't get on the roller coaster, okay? You're not losing your mind. You're going on this emotional roller coaster because you've jumped on the ride. In getting a divorce,

doesn't mean that you have to go on this emotional roller coaster. We're choosing to let our emotions take the wheel and run everything, and that can be really dangerous. So we're going to help you not screw up your future here.

As a divorce lawyer, want you to know emotions are expected in the divorce process. It would be weird, honestly, for any divorce lawyer to have a client that was emotionless. When I've had some people that are just kind of a weird affect, zero emotion, I'm thinking to myself, what's wrong with this person? So no. Exactly. Do you have any emotions? you have any feelings in there? That's usually not the normal thing that we see with clients. We see emotions, but here's the but here.

See you.

letting those emotions drive your decisions, that's where legally the problems will start in your divorce case. And some of those problems or those decisions that you're making when you're driving decisions emotionally, they can't be unwound. So we want you to listen to this episode, get the good advice and not make those big mistakes.

So let's talk why we have this emotional roller coaster, because I think it's important to give you guys a sound bite of validation so you don't feel like, okay, great, you're already telling me that I'm fucking up. This is the part that no one prepares you for. Divorce doesn't just bring one emotion at a time. It brings all of them. You are bitch slapped with maybe relief, guilt,

Rage, sadness, hope, panic, confidence, regret, all of them. And your brain is saying like, okay, pick one please. And I'll tell you from my experience, your brain doesn't pick one. Your brain decides to click all of the above. And then you start to unravel because all of those different emotions that I just listed out for you, a lot of them contradict each other. So you're like, am I happy? Am I sad?

Am I confident or am I falling apart? I don't know. That brings you to a place of feeling really overwhelmed. That's when you make some really bad rash decisions and that is exactly what we want you to avoid.

That's right. And let's face it, when you're in the divorce process legally, your lawyer is going to be looking for you to make these long term decisions about money, about parenting, maybe housing. And this is all while your nervous system is in full threat mode.

Which is terrible combination.

I could not agree more. So your brain, what's happening is reacting to uncertainty, the loss of control, maybe this new life that you have coming up, this fear of unknown. But that doesn't mean that you're wrong. It means that you're human, that you are a normal client. And I want you to know from one divorce lawyer to a client, if I didn't see this behavior and this fear, you would not be a normal client. So give yourself a little bit of grace there.

I'm sure that you tell your clients, Morgan, these two truths can coexist, these two opposite truths. You can know that your marriage is no longer working and that you need to have an exit strategy and you can be really sad about it. You can be really scared about the fact that you don't know what's coming and feel really ready for what's next.

You can feel confident that this is the right thing to do and at the same time think, dot, dot, dot, is it? And that doesn't make you an insane person. You are in an insane situation, but you're not insane.

Yeah.

I agree.

And I want you to know too, I if you've listened to our show before, there's a reason that we say that a divorce is a marathon, it's not a sprint, and that some days it's day by day and other days it's hour by hour, because that is the truth. And as a divorce lawyer, I see this all the time. I could be talking to a client today and they're totally in a good spot. But if I say the wrong word, I could shoot them over the moon into an emotional high, which we're going to talk about next. Or...

I could talk to somebody today and it could be great and tomorrow is a really bad day for them. So these are normal things that you're experiencing.

would love for you to shoot me in into an emotional high. I feel like I want.

Just wait when your moxie is done

and I see your face. It could be an emotional high for you.

Listen, don't doubt my technology. It's not even my technology. If this place says that they have the Bentley, then let's go with the fact that they have the Bentley. Okay, fancy pants or I'm gonna remind everybody about the time when you told everyone that you had the hardest day ever because you had to get out of your car and pump gas and it was windy. So there.

It was like below zero. It wasn't just the vote of gas.

Okay, emotional highs and all kinds of drugs. When you get that really good feeling, I want to talk about this for a second because this gets tricky. You don't expect those moments when you to feel good and then you're hit with it, right? So here's an example. You have a really good meeting with an attorney, right?

You finally feel heard. You take one step and you think, oh my God, yeah, I love what Morgan just said. This is a great strategy. I can do this. And then suddenly, doo doo doo doo, you're on that high and you're like, wow, okay, I'm taking out a full-page spread in Vanity Fair to congratulate myself because I am thriving in this divorce.

Yes, agreed. And I want you to know that this could be where people get themselves into a little bit of trouble because they are all roses and rainbows. But on the flip side, you might need the roses and rainbows for that day. You might need that, but just know that not every day is going to be as good as that day.

Well, because the problem is, Morgan, that that high that you're feeling is just an emotion. Where are the facts to support it? That high feels like clarity, but it's not clarity. That high is just a feeling. You attached a feeling to a strategy and you're putting a lot of weight, a lot of bank in the fact that that strategy that Morgan just gave you, which could be a really good strategy.

Yeah.

It is a feeling.

Okay.

Like back, could be, and I'm sure if it's coming from you, I mean, my God, you're like the Bentley of strategies, but like it could be good. But what I'm saying is don't put all of your eggs in that basket, because then you are just setting yourself up to crash.

Right, because one, know, legally speaking, one good meeting, you know, doesn't just automatically mean that this process, this divorce process will be easy or fast or smooth. Of course, you're going to hopefully with your great attorney you're using, agree upon a strategy, think that it's going to work. I mean, your lawyer wouldn't be suggesting it if they didn't think there was a high probability of it working. But really what it means is that day went well for you. That day worked out well.

And we don't want to be negative about it either. I want you to be comfortable with your attorney and strategy, but we always say it. The strategy in your divorce case changes day to day depending on, it's like a chess game, what the other side is doing. So that's kind of what we're getting at in this episode.

Even if it's an email, even if you got an email back from opposing counsel and they agreed to something, okay, great, good, celebrate it, enjoy it, but don't build a whole future and this fantasy around one good email or one good strategy, one good meeting. That's what I'm saying.

And clients emotionally, you know, they really do have high highs when we have a good conversation and there's nothing that's going to upset them. And then they can completely crash when the next thing doesn't go their way. And so I'm to give you an example. So had a client will call him Chad. If you're not familiar, we always talk about Chad and Brenda. They're our resident divorce couple on this podcast. So I had Chad here. Chad's telling me

In the beginning of the case, what a lunatic Brenda is. Brenda's got a drinking problem.

She's acting out in front of the kids. The kids don't want to be with her. Brenda

Brenda sounds fun.

sound fun. Brenda ends up moving to a different residence around the corner from the marital residence. And the way that my client, Chad, is kind of spinning it to us is like, he's the good guy. Brenda's the bad guy. The kids are struggling. Like, let's protect the kids. OK, great. All well and good.

But then when I talk to opposing counsel and they say, OK, yeah, Brenda might be a lunatic, basically. Brenda might be a drinker. But guess what? Your

guy,

has a revolving door of women coming in and out of that house in front of the children. So then I have to go back to and say, hey, listen, we're getting what you want here. But hey, this is a problem.

Chad sounds fun too.

And so the conversation went really, really well. And then the minute I had to call out Chad to say, hey, you've got to be completely honest with us on what you're doing, because I can't give you good strategy when I don't know the full picture, because it's going to backfire in our face. That's a big misstep, Chad. So

had to have this come to Jesus conversation and talk about a completely crashing moment of emotional highs. Like, that's an emotional low. That really sent Chad into a tailspin.

not only with me, but also about his ex. How could she say this? How could she do this? Most people are doing that when it's right, right? When the cat's out of the bag. So those are the things that everything can be going well. And you could hear something from opposing counsel. You could get a motion that you don't like or something in court. I also have clients that are like, Brenda would never do this to me. I can't believe she did this to me.

But the thing is, is all the cards should be out on the table at a divorce. So nothing should be shocking at this point.

So you're teeing this up for the lows, right? So let's talk about Chad because Chad was on a high because he reported to you and anytime we report something, we feel a little bit of power and control, right? Like if you report something to your attorney, like... ⁓

I know that she is hiding money or she used our marital funds to fund her affair with the landscaper You report something and then you're like, okay, I've got some balls now because I reported this and we're going to take that person to the cleaners. And then your expectation that you attached

to that report and that brought you on the high, then doesn't come your way. You get a response back that says, yeah, but because of where we live, Brenda, it doesn't really matter that they did this and it wasn't a significant amount of money or there's no way to prove that. I'm sorry that Chad had an affair with the gardener. but

There's nothing that we can do, right? And then boom, you plummet and not only do you plummet emotionally, but what happens then is you get scared because you've lost power. And when we get scared, our brain is off to the races and you'll start thinking things like, what if I made a mistake? What if I can't even afford to do this? What if my kids end up hating me because of this?

What if I should have just stayed? What if I never should have reported this? my God, the amount of money that I just spent in reporting this to my attorney because I listened to How Not to Suck a Divorce and they reminded me of what to do and I didn't write a bullet point email. I wrote a paragraph email and all of these things are wrong and I'm such a fucking idiot. No, it's just because you went on a low, because of the fact that you went on a high, because what goes up must come down.

And you hit it on the head for a divorce lawyer. It's the high that the high is not the problem

all. We want clients in a great place. We're like, yeah, this is great. It's the expectations that they go off and running with that are the issue. It's the expectations that are attached to those highs that can get you into trouble because sometimes when you're on a high, your expectations kind of move and your lawyer is not on board with those expectations.

And things can change in a minute's notice in a divorce, and you have to be the one that's flexible. You have to be the one that can handle those changes.

to what I just said, Morgan, about the lows. I mean, I'm curious to know if somebody comes to

because they went on that roller coaster, right? And they're like, fuck, Morgan, am I doing the wrong thing? I am feeling overwhelmed because this didn't work out. And I told you all these things and now it's not gonna work out and I'm just wasting a ton of money. Am I making a mistake here? Is this wrong? I mean, I'm sure you have something that you tell them.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Well, yeah, I mean, what I want to say and I want to make it super clear is that feeling awful does not mean you're making the wrong decision in a divorce. It just doesn't. Feeling awful is normal. It's a normal part of the divorce process. And I want to make one other reminder because, Andrea, we say it, we don't say it in every episode. But if there's anyone you can bet on in the divorce process, it's yourself. If there's anyone you can bet on,

post divorce process, whether it's if you're gonna be a great parent to your children, or you're gonna make more money and be able to afford your lifestyle, it's yourself. Don't think about anyone else unbetting or making a wager except for yourself.

Again, feeling awful is a feeling. It's not really based on fact. It just means you're tired. It means that maybe you did, maybe there are some facts, maybe you got some information that you didn't like. Okay? It's gonna pass. Maybe it means that reality is settling in. That can feel awful, but it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. I just saw a sign ⁓ the other day

Mm-hmm.

said, your anxiety is lying to you. And it's just, it did because, shut up, because the anxiety, it's just your brain running wild with stuff. Now, yeah, something bad did happen, right? We're not saying like, you're totally delusional, but that story that we tell ourselves, that's the lie.

Did that speak to you?

Mm-hmm. And you know, some of my most successful divorce clients, and I think that there are clients that are more successful than others, not in the outcome. I'm talking about getting through the process. If I take a step back as a divorce lawyer and I'm like, who are my most successful clients? It's always business owners. And I'm talking like high-end business owners that have been through the shit because when they're in it, they have less emotional highs, less emotional lows. And the reasoning is because

everything is a business decision for them.

they get less emotional because they're looking at the divorce as a business decision.

and business owners go on roller coasters all the time with their business and they have no choice but to ride the wave.

Exactly.

they're used to it. Yep. And they can do exactly what you're saying, which is tell yourself, hey, this anxiety that's in my brain, it's lying. I need to change the channel to a new channel and I need to focus on what matters most. They're just better at it because they do it all the time.

Exactly.

Here's what I want to boil this down to, okay? Because I'm about to tell you exactly what we want you to do. But the last thing I want to say about these lows is that the low brings us pain. And as humans, we don't want to feel pain unless you're one of those psychopaths who like walks across fire or like nails or whatever, then you're dumb. But pain demands relief immediately.

And the problem with that is when you are so desperate for relief, you're gonna make a big fucking mistake.

Right, and legally, that's when we don't want you making decisions. We do not want you making decisions when you are down in the dumps and you just want it to stop.

Right, so here comes the lesson. I want you to adopt this phrase because this is going to save you. Are you ready? Emotional neutrality. That's the key here. I need you to not get on that roller coaster. This is the skill that, I mean, I wish I knew this in my divorce. I didn't. I'm actually working on this right now.

Ready.

in my own life and it is preventing me from going on roller coasters with everything, with my business, with my children, with your ex, with everything around you. You remain in control. Now, emotional neutrality, before everyone starts thinking like, okay, this is impossible, what the hell is she telling me to do? It doesn't mean that you don't feel.

It means your feelings are not in charge.

Exactly. So neutrality would sound like this. That meeting went well. Okay, good. Or that meeting didn't go well. Okay. You're not spiraling. There's no story attached to whether the meeting went well, the meeting didn't go well. You're not setting expectations and you're not catastrophizing.

Neutrality really does, in your divorce process, protect you. It prevents these impulsive decisions in the legal process. It prevents these nasty, nonsensical, really expensive communications. And most of all, for a divorce lawyer, this is what I want you to listen up to. It really prevents unrealistic expectations. so, right? Boom.

them.

In the divorce matter, the clients that have the most realistic expectations are the ones that come out on top. They really do because they know exactly where it's going. And the ones that are floundering generally are not having good communications with their attorney about the expectations.

And we talk about this a lot, right? Your attorney should be giving you those realistic expectations, but you have to ask them for it. Most attorneys, and probably because they don't know you well enough in the beginning and they don't know how to serve up this information to you, that's not their fault. That's just because they're an attorney, they're not a therapist. So you need to say, all right, Morgan, give me the realistic expectation. If the meeting goes well, cool. I don't want to go on this high.

Agreed.

right now and only to come crashing down a few days later. So what's a realistic expectation? A meeting doesn't go well. A mediation doesn't go well. Ask the same question.

I think, right.

And I would end there. you know, if you're having a great meeting with your lawyer and you're like, this strategy is on point. I love it. I think it's going to work. I want you to end with this question. What if it doesn't work or what should we expect if it takes a left turn that we are not prepared for? What's our plan B? So that if and when it does, you're like, all right, we got a plan for this. This is no big deal. It's not another full meeting on now trying to play defense.

Because if you're leaning on the expectations, then you're leaning on facts. And facts, my friend, will be your anchor. Feelings are like weather. It changes. Feelings come and go. You could be happy one minute and then there could be a thunderstorm later in the afternoon. Your facts are your facts.

and the law obviously operates on facts.

not yo feelings. I'm hoping that at this point we're getting the fact that we don't want to go on the roller coaster, right? You're all with us here, emotional neutrality. And again, it feels so opposite. Like it feels like, okay, you're telling me not to attach myself to these feelings, yet all I'm doing is feeling all day long. I get it.

but all you're also doing is torturing yourself all day long. So this is gonna be a big change. This whole idea of not going on the roller coaster is a big change because all that you hear about on

all the other divorce podcasts and all the other platforms is navigating the roller coaster. And I'm telling you, don't get on the fucking roller

coaster.

Getting on the roller coaster is a choice. So by adopting emotional neutrality, you're not going to get on the roller coaster. But what happens if you're already on? What happens if you're listening to this episode because the title grabbed you and you're like, okay, I think it's too late. I'm already activated. Fine. Then we're gonna tell you exactly what we want you to do and what we don't want you to do while you're in this place.

All right, do not, number one, make permanent decisions in your divorce case in your emotional state. Number two, when you're in this emotional state, don't threaten your spouse. It doesn't help you. It doesn't help get you to where you want Number three, let's not overshare with people who escalate you. You know that Tina from the bar, she is gonna escalate you after a few...

bourbons or tequilas or whatever you're drinking. Then Tina from the bar is going to go tell Sarah from down the street. And it's going to be a mess. Don't do it. And number four, don't panic, text your lawyer or email them a book at midnight. We all know what those emails are. We all know that you are really in a heightened emotional state and probably half of your email, we have to bill you for it, but it really doesn't say anything that's helpful for your case.

The final thing is you got to remind yourself that these feelings are going to change, right? Just like weather, just like we just said a few minutes ago, this is not your finality. This is not really your truth. These big feelings that you're having, this should be your sign to take a break. Just like how when we get physically sick, it's our body's sign of like, I'm getting a cold. I need to take a break. And if you ignore that and you don't take a break,

then that cold turns into bronchitis and then pneumonia, because it grows within you. It's the same thing with these big feelings, guys. These big feelings will get worse. If you ignore them and you don't take a break and you try to push through and act on it, you're going to make the fire bigger. So here's what I want you to do. If you're already on the roller coaster, okay, this is how you're going to get off. You got to stabilize yourself.

One of the best ways to stabilize yourself is regulate your nervous system. The best way to regulate your nervous system is to adopt a routine, a boring, predictable routine. Start getting up at the very same time every day. Start doing the same thing in the same order every morning. You get up, you use the bathroom, you brush your teeth, you make your coffee, you do a stretch.

You drink your water. Start having these routines in place to kind of

yourself and have something predictable because you're flying off the handle right now because of something unpredictable. So you need to give yourself a routine. You need to stop talking to Tina at the bar and Sarah down the street. And by God, if you involve loudmouth Sally, you've got a bigger problem. I want you to have one safe person that you can talk to.

you're feeling something really shitty, write it down. Don't react to it, just write it down. Get it, write it down. I'm feeling this and here's that. And then you know what you do with everything you wrote down? You take it to your therapist. You don't take it to your attorney. Your attorney's not your therapist and your attorney is more expensive than your therapist. And yes, if you are on an emotional roller coaster, I will be the bad wolf and tell you all that you need a therapist. And if you don't want to pay money for a therapist,

then don't get on the fucking roller coaster.

But I want you to know too, and I agree with all of those things, that support in general in your case doesn't mean doing everything at once. All the things Andrea just rattled off might feel really overwhelming to you. That's okay. Again, it's day by day. It's one thing, one foot in front of the other. You don't have to do it all at once. It really means just having the right people in place for the right time. And one thing I want to tell you about how to use your divorce lawyer, and I don't think clients do this enough.

If you are feeling super out of control or you know that the moment your lawyer says that Brenda is talking trash about me related to the children, that is going to send Chad over the moon and Chad knows it. I want you to talk to your lawyer about ways that you can combat those emotions because there are ways that you can work with your lawyer to do that.

I've had clients in the past and I actually really appreciated it. I had one client that was very wacky. This client mandated that certain words could never be used in her case, which was really hard as a lawyer because you're doing your job, you're trying to explain what is happening, you're trying to do it the best you can, but there were like 10 words that she absolutely did not want to be used in her case and they were like normal words. They just really agitated her.

On the one hand, was annoying for me, but on the other hand, I'm like, all right, at least we have boundaries. I appreciate it. I don't want to set you off. I want to keep you in this neutrality so that you can make your best decisions.

so interesting because at first I thought, a wackadoo, but now I'm thinking, okay, like she was her own advocate. She knew that she was going to get set off if you used words like hence or therefore or whatever the hell, I mean, I don't know what the words were, but like, I mean, is that what we're talking about? Like real typical words?

We're talking about more on the typical scale than not, and there were about 10 of them. And I would say I used about three or four pretty frequently. So I had to really watch what I was saying at all times.

Got it.

Well, and that makes your job a lot harder, but at least she was aware of what boundaries that she needed and hopefully that prevented her from going on the roller coaster. But if you are on the roller coaster, you're not failing. And I know I just did this whole big spiel about don't get on the fucking roller coaster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want you to. But if you are on it, you can get off of it. You're not broken. You're not failing. And you're not

losing. There's no win and lose. There's no certificate that somebody gets at the end of this thing that's like, congratulations, Chad. You completed your divorce without going on the emotional roller coaster. Brenda, you loser. You went off and you cried more than Chad cried. You lose. Now, the other side of that is...

What if Brenda did go on the emotional roller coaster and made some really big mistakes because of it? Well, then it's different because then Brenda actually did lose some things that maybe she could have kept. Maybe she could have won certain things had she kept it together by not having these expectations and then come crashing down. So the moral of that story is you need support.

You need support so you're able to make the best decisions.

And I want you to know as divorce lawyers, we're not judging you if you're on the roller coaster or if you're stepping on and then stepping off and maybe you love riding the roller coaster. That's when we're judging you is when you love riding the roller coaster. You're like getting satisfaction out of it. But if you're the type of person that most people are, which they're hopping on, they're hopping off, et cetera, divorce lawyers want you to know. And I want you to know this phase is temporary, even though it doesn't feel like it. And it's OK.

It's okay, but the reason we wanted to do this podcast today specifically is to let you know one, it's okay, but give you some strategies to stop it when you want to be more in control.

because the goal here is not to stop your emotions. The goal here is to stop letting your emotions drive decisions.

That's right, because when you slow down and you get support, we all know this, you're making decisions with intention. Your future self benefits from those decisions.

you're not losing your mind. You're just processing a major life transition.

let's review exactly what we want you to do and not to do.

Okay, let's start with this. We do not want you to adopt a major expectation from anything good that happens. You need to ask your attorney, you hear something really good, ask your attorney, give me a realistic expectation. Do not waltz out of a meeting on a complete high because what comes up must come down.

Right, do not make permanent decisions in your divorce when you are in an emotional state.

Right. And if you are on a low because you got something bad, same thing. Don't let your brain spiral. Okay, something bad happened. Okay, ask your attorney. Give me a realistic outcome here. I need facts. Again, legal decisions are made on facts,

not your feelings. So you might feel like a loser in that moment. You're not a loser and there's no award given to the losers.

and the winners, okay? The other thing is getting on the roller coaster is a choice. If you can adopt emotional neutrality, it's an act of self preservation. And my God, do you need some self preservation right now? So let's recap the emotional neutrality. A meeting goes well. Okay, good. Okay.

All right, give me a realistic expectation.

feel good about this. That was good. That was a good mediation, right? That's different from, that's an amazing mediation. Everything's gonna be great. Cheers to me. Right? Or mediation doesn't go so well. All right, well, that sucked. That did not go the way that I wanted it to, but let's talk about some realistic expectations from here on out.

That's right. And let's talk about what helps and what we want you to do going forward. So if you're kind of stepping on and off that roller coaster, it's okay. We understand. But think about doing a few things. One, getting a routine together that you can do every day during this divorce process. Two, think about that one safe person that you can confide in and talk about these issues with. Three, let's write things down instead of reacting. Let's give it that time to process before you're just flying off the handle.

and four, obviously get professional guidance, whether it's a therapist or you're actually asking your attorney to help you through when you're getting really amped up.

Yes, but remember, your attorney is there to guide you legally. Do not lean on your attorney for emotional support unless you want to pay their fees, because that really is going to get expensive. Don't get on the roller coaster, guys. It is a choice, OK? That's the biggest takeaway here. And if you're already on it, get off of it. You don't need to do that to yourself. You are navigating enough right now.

Why do you want to eat a hot dog and then go up and down and upside down? That sounds dumb. That's nauseating. Don't do that. Go get yourself a new face instead. Well, you know what? tell you what. Everybody, Monday, I don't know what you're doing, but cancel your plans. Come with me. We're all going to go enjoy the Bentley of skincare machines, and we're going to get some new skin. Why not?

Why not? Just throw it on in. But remember, divorce is a marathon. We said this earlier, it is not a sprint. Not every day is going to be a good day. Some days it's day by day, other days, unfortunately, it's hour by hour, but it's okay. You're going to get through this. You're in it already.

Right, and the one person you should bet on in your divorce is you. Don't forget about you. You have the ability to be the

and happiest and most successful person ever after this process. You have the ability to get through this process like a freaking rock star.

You just have to make the right decisions and you're already making one of them because you're listening to this show where, we might be giving you some different advice and some unpopular opinions, but it's because we see what happens when you go the other way. And we don't want other people to suffer unnecessarily. I don't want you to suffer the way that I've suffered. And Morgan wants you to get through your divorce the way that her clients are able.

to navigate divorces

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That's right. And if you need more community, don't feel bad about it. We have built a community that will lift you up. Go to Facebook, join our private community. It's for you. You can ask questions. You can be anonymous. Everyone loves the private community if you're not a part of it. Please rate and review us. It allows us to continue these fabulous episodes. If you need more help after that, go to our website. We have guides that you can buy that will walk you through certain issues that you might be experiencing and just help you a little bit more than where you are right now.

And one really exciting thing that I forgot to mention before, we now have playlists on our website. So if you go to our website, you click the podcast button, not only can you listen to all of the episodes there in order, but right beneath that, we have playlists dedicated to different topics. So go and check those out. We curated different lists for whatever you're struggling with. Get the information.

the support. I know that you can do this. It's not impossible.

It is very possible. Get the community, get the people, and you will not suck at getting divorced. And remember, you've got this.

And we, my friends, have got you.

The How Not to Suck a Divorce podcast shall not be copied or rebroadcast without consent. This podcast does not contain legal advice. The information heard on this show shall not and should not be used as legal advice.