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ENCORE Bids for Connection

Episode 106 • 3rd October 2024 • This Complex Life • Marie Vakakis

And a connection with a partner is one of the most powerful parts of a solid relationship. And one of the ways to do that is by noticing and responding in a positive way to your partners, bids for connection.

I think you'll learn a lot from this episode. Let's get started. We know that a healthy relationship is really beneficial to our health, that the quality of our relationships really determine the quality of our mental health and physical health.

There is a lot of research out there to suggest that having a healthy relationship can have significant positive health related impacts. On the other side of that, if a relationship isn't going well, that can have significant health related consequences. And it's been something I've focused on a lot in my private practice work.

And in the educational activities that I do, it's really hard to separate mental health from relationships. And so I've stopped trying and I've put them all together and try to educate people on the impact of mental health, on helping them improve relationships and how to support friends and family going through mental health challenges, mental illnesses, or even just a tough time because they're so intrinsically linked.

And it's so important and we all have mental health and we're all in relationships. So the more that we can improve the quality of our relationships has a big positive impact on our health. One of the things that I teach the couples that I work with and even the families that I work with through programs like Tuning Into Teens, which was developed by Melbourne University here in, in Victoria and my own program Connected Teens is this idea of bids for connection.

It's something that renowned couples researchers, John and Julie Gottman. Talk a lot about in their work, the importance of bids for connection and how turning towards those bids for connection with kindness and with tenderness. It can have positive impacts for a relationship. I use Gottman Couples Therapy in my work and the Tuning into Teens program has also incorporated a lot of the work of couples therapy and looks at how parents can teach their children skills of emotional intelligence.

I also bring in elements of that in my own program, Connect to Teens, which if you're interested in, you can head on over to my website and pop yourself on the wait list for the next round of that. I'm going to split this episode up into two parts. I'm going to focus first on couples and how you can use these skills in your relationship.

And then at the end, I'm going to talk about how we can use that same information for parents to build stronger relationships with their children. And that'll give you some tips and advice on what to look out for and how to have a I have a go at, at trying some of these different things. What are bids for connection?

es quite explicitly with the [: 00:04:00

They can be explicit and direct, like someone asking a question or seeking support, or they can be a little more subtle and indirect, like a smile, a touch, or a glance. Bids for connection play a fundamental role in building trust and intimacy in relationships. When someone makes a bid, they're reaching out, they're hoping for a response that acknowledges and validates their attempt to connect.

It's saying, I want you to see me, to notice me, to connect with me. It's a really important part of intimacy, responding positively to these bids with kindness, with love, with attentiveness, fosters positive emotional intimacy and creates a supporting relationship between those individuals. When we notice a bid, and I'm going to talk about what to look out for in just a moment, we could respond in one of three common ways.

We can turn towards, we can turn away, or we can turn towards. But it's unkind, so we turn towards unkindly. Turning towards is acknowledging and responding positively to bids for connection, and these are crucial for building trust and intimacy in relationships, by recognizing them and responding with love and kindness, we have these stronger relationships.

I see this go wrong often, we stop responding, we're too busy, we're too caught up in the outside world, in technology, in social media, checking emails, reading the paper, scrolling through social media, posts, engaging in work, all of these different things that we do mean that we might accidentally turn away.

So instead of turning towards our partner or an important person in our life, we turn away. When we turn away, what it signals to our partner, whether it was our intention or not, is I'm not there for you, something else is more important, you don't matter to me. And this can be quite confronting to hear.

It's also really hard if we're busy, stressed, running around, doing all these things, it can be really difficult to turn towards. And that can. Mean that we miss out too, because sometimes connection can actually be a source of regulation for our nervous system. So if we are stressed and we don't turn towards our partner, not only are we signaling to them, you don't matter, but also we don't get the benefit of feeling connected as well.

So that's a really important thing to keep in mind is in order to do this well, we need to be mindful of what's happening for us. One of the points of resistance I hear sometimes for couples when I do this is. A fear of losing independence. Some people are really terrified of being codependent. They think if I keep turning towards my partner's bids, they're going to be needy or they got, I'm going to give up too much of myself and responding to your partner's bid, Doesn't mean you're giving up yourself and it doesn't mean you're giving them everything they need.

When we look at attachment theory for primary carers and their, their children, research shows that we only need to respond to about 30 percent of bids for that connection to be strong and to be a secure attachment, so you don't have to do this all the time, but we know that the more positive the interactions.

The better the outcomes for the relationship. So we need to be aware of what's happening for us, tune into ourselves, and then recognize how that shows up for our partner, what that might show them, how might we respond, and then look at their bids for connection. So there's quite a little bit of stuff to pull out there.

few common bids that we can [: 00:08:00

They might plonk on the count. They might sit down and sigh. They might slowly kind of sit down with a bit of a grimace on their face. Those are opportunities to connect. If they flop down and exasperate it, it's not the UOK. If they're grimacing, it's like, oh, was that a tough leg day at the gym? If they sat down lightly or, you know, they're quite buoyant, it's like, looks like you had a really great day.

We need to maintain a level of attunement to pick up these signals. These are all small bits for connection. These verbal bits for connection are probably a little more obvious. It's your partner saying, hey, I had a rough day and then responding positively, tell me what happened. They might say something like, I love you, and you're like, well, I love you too, and give them a hug.

They might say, I'm really struggling with this. Then you might offer some support. There could be some playfulness, you know, bit of a pinch, a tickle, something that indicates a bit of lighthearted banter or creating a connection through humor. There could be some excitement. Hey, give me a high five. Or yes, I just, I just Nailed this.

This is awesome. Could be come and check out this spreadsheet I built. It's really cool. Or let me show you what I've been working on. There's a few ways to respond to those. Like I said, there's the turning towards, turning towards unkindly and turning away. If one partner reaches out for a hug and the other partner pulls away, that could be turning, turning away.

Bids for connection are essential parts of social interactions and they play a role in building and maintaining relationships. So when someone makes a bid, they're reaching out, they're hoping for a response that acknowledges and validates their attempt to connect. How we recognize these and respond significantly influences the quality and the depth of that relationship.

Think of it like deposits into a bank. You know, the Gottman's talk about this depositing into a love bank. I've heard other analogies like putting marbles in a jar. When we do these things well, every bid for connection that we turn towards, we're slowly adding deposits into this bank. When there's an abundance of money in the bank, we can better weather stressful times.

There's something to withdraw from. If that bank is empty, it's really hard to weather those more difficult or stressful times. So building up this bank, having a good deposit there, building that trust, that intimacy, that connection is really valuable. And this is just one way to do it. Over the season of the podcast, I will keep bringing in different ways that we can build that connection in relationships.

This one today, we're just looking at bids for connection. Now I want to talk a little bit more about turning towards and turning away. I mentioned some of the ways you can turn towards depending on those different bids for connection. But let's have a look at them in a little bit more detail. So turning towards really refers to acknowledging and responding positively to your partner's bid for connection.

It's being present, empathic, and genuinely interested in what they have to say. It doesn't mean that you have to be available all the time. It's completely reasonable to say, Hey love, looks like you've had a rough day. I'm in the middle of something. Can we go for a walk later and you can tell me all about it?

You've still responded, you've still noticed. It doesn't mean that you have to drop everything straight away and be there for them to let them decompress about their day. It's taking the time to notice, maybe to make eye contact and say, I see this is really important for you. I want to give you my full attention.

Let me finish this off [: 00:12:00

Or it could be that you kind of miss it. Maybe your partner's like, Hey, I've planted some seedlings. Come and check them out. And you're like, Oh, I'm not really interested in gardening. I'm really keen on reading my book. You've missed a chance there to turn towards that bid for connection. So there's that kind of minimizing or dismissing in a just a, Oh, I'm not really interested right now.

Or they could be sort of more of an angry or aggressive, like, whatever. a rude snarl or a dismissive tone that's a bit more hurtful. When we turn away, it does tell that person, I'm not there for you. Something else is more important. You don't matter. While turning towards leads to that connection and that intimacy.

Miscommunication and missed bids can have quite a significant impact on a relationship. It can create emotional distance. So when bids are misinterpreted or overlooked. It can leave a person feeling ignored, unimportant, rejected, that can lead to a sense of disconnection and isolation. It can lead to hurt feelings, failing to recognize or respond to bids, can hurt the feelings of the person making the bid.

They might feel that they're not acknowledged, and that can lead to sadness or resentment. We can also see a communication breakdown, so misinterpreting bids might lead to misunderstandings and miscommunication, and this can escalate conflict or present the resolution of issues. It can lead to a loss of trust if someone is repeatedly misinterpreting bids and to be responsive to them, and this erosion of trust over time can negatively impact the overall relationship.

It can have an impact on intimacy. Intimacy is nurtured through genuine connections and emotional responsiveness. When beats go unrecognized, the level of intimacy in a relationship might suffer that leads to feelings of loneliness or dissatisfaction, mistrust. Bids or misinterpreting bids can lead to what I call the negative feedback loop, where one person's bids are repeatedly misunderstood, leading them to withdraw or more, or stop making bids altogether.

And this can lead to a perpetual cycle of disconnection and emotional distance. There's also missed opportunities for connection. Each bid for connection is an opportunity to deepen the bond. When these bids aren't recognized, these opportunities are missed. And the relationship might not reach its full potential.

There's increased conflict. Missed bids can lead to increased conflict. They can lead to frustration and emotional tension or escalate current conflicts within the relationships. It can lead to misunderstandings, which can give rise to arguments or disagreements that could have been avoided. if that connection was there, if that bid was met with turning towards.

Missed bids can also lead to emotional insecurity. If someone's bids are constantly being overlooked, they might develop feelings of emotional insecurity and self doubt, and that can impact their own self esteem and overall well being. And over time, this can lead to a decline in relationship satisfaction.

d opportunities for bids for [: 00:16:00

How do you repair a missed bid? You might be listening to this and thinking Oh, okay. I didn't realize when my partner does this, there's a chance for me to say something. It's okay to try and reestablish the connection. It might take time and depending on how distant that relationship has gotten or what other resentment might be there, but it might be your partner said, Hey, I've planted some seedlings.

Come and have a look. And you're like, no, no, I'm reading a book. And then at the end of the day, you might've had a shower and it occurs to you, Oh. I missed that bid. You can go back to them and say, earlier you asked me to look at the seedlings. I was really distracted. I'm so sorry I missed that. I'd love to have a look now, or I was so caught up in my own stuff.

I totally, I almost didn't hear what you said. Can we start fresh? What I like, what I would have liked to have said was this. That's a really valuable thing to say, hey, I noticed and I got it wrong and I take responsibility for that. Let me try again. I want to recap this idea of turning towards and how we can do that better.

So it's remembering to notice, well, first you have to notice the bids for connection. What are they? What does your partner do that signals I want to connect? Start to notice that. How are they reaching out, seeking attention? And how do you turn towards, can you respond in a loving manner, in an attentive manner, showing that you're emotionally available for them and present for them?

If they say, I had a tough day at work, turning towards would be something like, I'm sorry to hear that what happened. It's not saying, did you try this? Why don't you this? It's not saying, Oh, well I've had an even worse day. It's not offering advice. It's not saying something that then brings it back to you.

And this is something that people do often, they try to help or they try to fix it, but that's actually incredibly dismissive. So if someone is telling you, I've been working on this project and I'm really excited about this, or this is actually making me really nervous and you jump in with, Oh, I worked on a similar project and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And you take that conversation in a different way. You might think it's actually helpful or that you're connecting, but it's actually quite dismissive for the other person and it cuts them off. So being present and available and turning towards is also encouraging that conversation, giving that person space and opportunity to talk.

When we continue to turn towards each other and we have that consistency, it does foster emotional intimacy and trust. What does turning towards unkindly look like? This is saying things like, Oh, you always complain about work. I'm so sick of hearing you talk about work, or it could be that person saying, I'm really stressed.

I'm, I'm running late for this project or I'm, I'm behind on my deadline. And the partner saying something like, well, it's your fault for dawdling or you were procrastinating or you're always running late, you know? So if you respond with, with frustration, with criticism or defensiveness, that's, that's that turning towards unkindly.

And turning away is that ignoring or dismissive. Your partner says, Hey, I'm excited about this new project I'm starting. Turning away would involve responding with disinterest or indifference. Oh yeah, that's nice. Without showing genuine excitement or enthusiasm. So repeated instances of turning away from bid leads to feelings or can lead to feelings of distance, frustration.

tmans have a lot of research [: 00:20:00

And this means that partners are consistently responding positively to each other's bids and creating an environment, a relationship environment that feels nurturing and supportive. I want to now look at how do we do this with children. A lot of the work I do with parents is around building this relationship and especially for teenagers.

A lot of the communication that I see families have is around deadlines, homework, messy rooms, over scheduled, having to go to this practice, is your washing done, have you done your homework, what about tutoring? And that's constantly withdrawing deposits from the bank. We still have this same need for connection between parents and teenagers.

So if you're apparently listening to this. Or maybe you're even a teacher. Have a think about the bids for connection that the teenagers are showing you. Are you driving in the car and they're like, Oh, that's a cool scooter. And your response is, those things are so dangerous. That's dismissive and kind of judgy, but it's like, Oh, what scooter?

I didn't see. I didn't know you liked scooters. I was working with a family recently who, after we did this part of the course was saying that their child came to them wanting to play a board game. And the parent was like. It's late at night, why is my child asking me to play this game, and He realized that was a bit for connection, that she wanted to, she didn't maybe know how or wasn't quite sure how else to get his attention.

So it was like, Hey, can we play Jenga? And dad was like, I'm going to give this a go. Dad was telling me this afterwards and like, yep, sure. We've only got a little bit of time. It is getting late, but let's, let's start the game. And through starting the game, they then started to have a conversation about some other things that were bothering her.

So that was a bit for connection from her. It's really helpful to start looking for these bits for connection. It can be them trying to show you a meme or a funny YouTube video or something they saw on TikTok or talking about a TV show. The content might not be that interesting to you. If you don't like football and your kid says, Oh, the Matildas are playing and you're like, great, awesome.

I don't like football. That's turning away. So there's finding opportunities to see these bids for connection and doing these over and over again. Remember in that early attachment research that I said, you know, about 30 percent of the time you don't need to do this. All the time. The more you can do it, it does put deposits in that bank.

If you're worried that it's going to mean that if you're, if there's consequences for something like haven't done their homework or they got a detention and there was a consequence at home for that, maybe they lost phone privileges. That doesn't mean you have to withdraw love. That doesn't mean you have to withdraw attunement.

They can still have consequence for poor behavior. And maintain a good relationship. It's so important not to withhold love, not to withhold care, not to withhold connection attunement as a way to punish. That's a really important thing and something that's probably out of what I wanted to talk about today, but maybe we'll cover it at another time.

ays come and watch them play [: 00:24:00

You might be like, well, I'm busy or I don't care what so and so's parents do. But that's a bid, so you can turn towards, oh, yeah, it's actually really nice that that person shows up. Is that something that you'd like me to do more of? Or that's great that they come and watch their children play soccer. I'd love to come and watch you.

I do night shift. How about you record the game and we can watch your favorite bits together? So we have to be very careful because sometimes teenagers will throw the bids out in ways that looks. Negative or even maybe hostile, but they're trying to get your connection. They're trying to get a response.

So take some time to think about how do I even notice their bits? What are they doing? What are they signaling? And how can I turn towards them more? How can I turn towards instead of turn away or turning towards unkindly? I hope you find that. I hope you found today's podcast episode helpful. I'd love to hear your feedback.

If you've got any questions, feel free to email through and I'll try and answer them on another podcast episode. Bye for now.

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106. ENCORE Bids for Connection