In this powerful conversation, safety expert Dannah Eve, known as The Street Smart Blonde with over 4 million followers, combines her academic knowledge with street smarts to deliver life-saving insights. We explore practical strategies for keeping our families safe without living in constant fear.

## Key Takeaways

- **Live aware, not in fear** - Dannah's motto emphasizes empowerment over paranoia

- **The What If Game** - Turn safety preparation into engaging family activities

- **Lying to survive** - Teaching kids when dishonesty protects their safety

- **Family code words** - Essential communication tools for emergencies

- **Trust your gut instinct** - Developing intuition as a safety muscle

- **Connection as protection** - Being your child's safe space builds trust

## About the Guest

**Dannah Eve** is a trusted safety expert and digital creator known as The Street Smart Blonde. As a former D1 athlete and Summa Cum Laude graduate in Criminology and Psychology, she combines academic knowledge with street smarts to deliver life-saving insights to her rapidly growing audience of over 4 million followers across her social media platforms.

**Connect with Dannah:**

- Website: [dannaheve.com](https://www.dannaheve.com/)

- Instagram: [@dannah_eve](https://www.instagram.com/dannah_eve/)

- YouTube: [@dannah_eve](https://www.youtube.com/@dannah_eve)

- Twitter: [@dannah_eve](https://x.com/dannah_eve)

- LinkedIn: [Dannah Eve](https://www.linkedin.com/in/dannah-eve-434b33193/)

## Resources Mentioned

- **Street Smarts Book** by Dannah Eve - [Amazon](https://www.amazon.com/Street-Smarts-Instincts-Outsmart-Danger/dp/0063438887) | [Barnes & Noble](https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/street-smarts-dannah-eve/1147525519) | [Bookshop.org](https://bookshop.org/p/books/street-smarts-trust-your-instincts-outsmart-danger-and-stay-safe-in-a-world-that-isn-t-dannah-eve/872c84c47df982dc)

---

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Okay you all, I am so excited to bring to you a conversation today with Dana Eve and we're gonna be talking about how to deal

with an unsafe world and what it looks like to put precautions into place that help keep us and our kids safer and how to do that without feeling paranoid and scared all the time as well because I think that's the bind that we're all in is I want to keep my kids safe and I also don't want to be so freaked out all the time that they don't feel safe. Dana is author of the book.

Street Smarts. She's known online as the Street Smart Blonde. She's a former D1 athlete and summa cum laude graduate in criminology and psychology

Welcome Dana.

Thank you so much for having me.

It's so fun to have a little date with you!

so tell us a little bit about how you got into this work because this is a very specific niche that you've created And I'm so curious about the story of how you got there.

My story is very unique and this just happened so organically and I could have never imagined in a million years that I would be doing what I do now even though it's truly who I am to my core and looking back as me, as a little girl, it's like, well, this makes sense. This all worked out the way it was supposed to. I'll try and give you the shortest version possible, but it is kind of a long story, so bear with me here,

Hahaha

As a kid, I was very street smart at a very early age and my parents nurtured that. And they did a lot of things to facilitate that growth, which was something that I'll be forever grateful for. And looking back, you know, we played certain games and we'll get into that later. But at the time I thought I was just having fun with my parents when really they were building situational awareness and helping me empower myself to stay safe in the world that we live in without scaring me.

but I grew up playing soccer and I ended up playing college soccer when I graduated high school I was like, what am I gonna do? Like what do I really want to study? What do I want to do? And I started going through I remember sitting at my kitchen table with my dad and we were going through all of the different programs at the university that I was gonna be attending and the second criminal justice came up my eyes lit up and I was like, I really think I could this is great. Like I am so intrigued here and my dad's like you'd be great at it.

I loved shows like NCIS and Criminal Minds, anything like that. I loved growing up. So he was like, you know what? Yeah, I think that's a good fit for you.

So walking into my first crim class I was so excited and it exceeded all of my expectations and I just was immediately drawn to it and super intrigued and loved every second and four years came and went flew by and I was very lucky to cross paths with some very very cool people and professors along the way. One of which became a mentor who ⁓ my god

he was just the most incredible individual. I'm getting emotional about it because this book is dedicated to him. My book, Street Smarts, and I'll get into the why, he introduced us to every type of federal agent you can imagine. just hearing their stories and exposing us to this is what this field looks like, and this is what this looks like, and what are you interested in? And their real life stories were fascinating. And two weeks before I was set to graduate,

Aww.

we went out to lunch and he was like, listen, I will make any phone call you want me to make. I'll open any door you want me to open. And when I

as a freshman, had my sights set at Quantico. for whatever reason, I was going to the FBI, I wanted to be a federal agent, that's exactly what I wanted to do. And I think having a little bit of that athlete mentality where you set your sights on something and no matter what it is, you're gonna achieve that goal and you don't necessarily take a step back, especially as a young kid, and look at the big picture, what do I want out of life? What would a family life look like with that type of career? I never really considered that for myself, I just set a goal and I was doing whatever it gonna take to achieve that.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

and he saw something in me and he saw me for me before I really even knew myself, And he just painted a picture of what the career could look like and he didn't deter me by any means, but he opened my eyes and he also expressed a concern that I never considered. And he said, you are an incredibly empathetic person. Dr. Becky now calls it very deep feeling. I've always been a very deep feeling kid and

Hmm.

I was like, you're right. And he goes, I just want you to know that this is a tough career. Like you're going to see it all. And I'm worried that you might not be able to go home at the end of the night and disassociate. That you feel things like it's your own pain. And he would worry what that would do over the course of my career to me. And I was like, man, that's deep. Like I never considered that for myself. So I ended up taking a big step back and I was like, whoa. ⁓

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Hmm.

Gotta sleep.

I definitely do want a family. There's other things I never considered and I was like, all right, I could just put a little pause here and figure out what I want to do. So I fell into fitness, which was easy because that was, you know, the necessary evil for soccer and I was really good at it. So I did some coaching on the side as well, became a personal trainer and I love that. But what I started realizing once I got deeper into that career was that fitness was always an outlet for me. It was like a healthy escape and almost

Yes.

Hmm.

a form of therapy and once that

yes.

became my job, I took that away from me. And it was great because I was helping people and like, you know, hearing women's stories of how they felt more confident. It was wonderful, but I was like, well, man, I miss that for myself. And every time I went to work out, I had to like look cute and try and be super professional and worry about what I say and record the whole workout. So it took that outlet away. And I just, it wasn't me. It was never organic. It was never natural. didn't

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

you

didn't come to me the way that what I do now comes to me. And so then there were a few catalysts that ultimately ended up changing that course too because like I said, I was never comfortable sharing and I shared a lot of my life online and it never again felt right. I was like, you know what? This isn't me. It was almost like I felt like I was faking it and I think that probably was able to be detected by certain people just because I was so uncomfortable doing that. ⁓ And so I...

Mm-hmm.

Mmm... Mmm...

Yeah. Sure.

I ended up losing Chuck, which was,

heartbreaking and it's something that it's even hard for me to talk about now. It was on the tail end of COVID unexpected and I had him always. He supported everything that I did. mean, we talked nonstop and I almost had him to fulfill what I was missing, not going into that field. And we would talk about different cases and whatever was going on in the news, mean, constantly. And when I lost him, it was like, I lost that whole part of me and the hole that was in my heart for not

Mm.

Mmm.

going into that field grew even bigger and then losing him obviously made it painful. And then I became a mom after that and it just, again, I was like, and I shared my pregnancy. It was again, so uncomfortable, but I was like, this is not me. And the second my son was born, I'm like, mama bear kicked in. was like, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, this isn't gonna work. I'm not sharing him online. Like that's not happening. And so I took a bit of a hiatus from social media. So losing Chuck first catalyst,

Mm.

Hmm.

Hmm... Mm-hmm.

and then shortly after my son was born there was a mass shooting in my hometown, Highland Park for the July parade shooting and there were people...

Ugh.

that I love and care about in the direct line of fire. And you see it online, you see it all the time, but you never think it's going to hit your hometown. And when it does, you really, really see that, man, this can happen anywhere. And again, just looking at this new, beautiful newborn baby, I'm like, how in the world am I going to protect you? Like, what am I going to do? This world is really scary. And then not long after that, the Idaho Four, where the four college kids, beautiful college kids had their lives tragically cut short by, won't even say his names.

Yeah.

Yes.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

even worth it, but I couldn't peel myself away from that case and it was like I hear Chuck in my head and I'm like, oh my god, he's right. I mean, I don't have the case files. I don't know the behind the scenes. I just am hearing the stories from these families and I just was bawling my eyes out, holding my beautiful newborn baby like this world is so cruel. And I remember one night, it was like 3 a.m. and I was nursing my son, just crying to my husband and I was like,

I just wish I could talk to Chuck. I just wish I could talk to him about all of this. This world is just, it's awful what's going on. It's like one thing after another after another. And I was like, I have all this information? And I feel like I'm not doing anything that matters. I want to be able to make an impact. I didn't do anything with my degree. And I just, it kind of started spiraling and got my wheels turning. And I remember saying to my husband, if I could just share some of these tips that I know or the street smarts and save one life and save

you

a family from experiencing a tragedy, like that would be worth it. And he's like, do it. So I was like, okay. And I took to social media and just randomly started sharing street smart tips, things that I had known and lived myself for my entire life. And the response

you

Hmm.

was just overwhelming in the stories that people were writing in, explaining like, wow, you're validating this concern and this, you know, this information's approachable and not terrifying. And it just, it...

you

Mm.

came full circle and the only thing that would make all of what I'm doing now so much sweeter is to be able to call Chuck and just say, can you believe this?

Ugh, I've got tears in my eyes imagining Chuck responding back to you like, of course I can believe it. you took this incredible interest and your capacity for empathy and your authentic self and you put it out there to protect people.

Well, I think from every parent who's listening, I know that there's a deep sense of gratitude for pieces of our own power, right? Because I think when we process horrific experiences that we hear about or that we live through, there is a temptation to go into a place of helplessness and powerlessness it is unsafe, there's nothing I can do. And I think...

It's so helpful for us to know there are some things we can do. And I love, love, love, love that your parents did some of these things with you and you didn't realize it and it didn't freak you out because I think there are also going to be listeners out there whose parents tried to prepare them and protect them, but we're so filled with anxiety that it had the opposite effect. It's like, ⁓ yeah, maybe you taught me to like be careful, but I feel so

terrified everywhere I go that I'm actually not having a sense of empowerment, And so I think how you bring us into the conversation, steady in what we can do and trying not to focus on what we can't do is such a gift. So I'm going to have you walk us through some of these conversations and games and tips and just leave people with a little satchel full of things they can do to help keep their kids and their families safe.

I love it, let's do it. Okay. Well, first to just speak on what you said prior, it's so true. And that's why my motto is live aware, not in fear, because it's very easy to become paranoid or you see these things on the news and it's heavy. It's very heavy. So to be able to

Let's start with a fun one. You call it the what if game.

Mm-hmm.

make it approachable in the way of, yes, this is out there. There are bad people, but here are the things that we could do and have it be a more of an empowering voice than a terrifying, like, don't do this, don't do that. it's a fine line. to walk, especially with kids because they're growing and developing and there's a certain level of understanding. So you have to be age appropriate with what you're talking about. And the what if game, it's so funny because that started

Mm-hmm.

with the lying game and the one if game kind of at the same time on road trips. When I was a kid, my mom's parents lived about four hours away and we would hop in the car and that was how we passed. I mean, there were, you know, there wasn't a tablet, there weren't cell phones back then. So we actually had to communicate, which was great. And even backing up from that, even at a younger age, we played I spy and little, like little did I know that was such a fun game, but it made me aware of who and what was around me sitting, you know, driving I spy.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

car that's red and I'm looking around or we would be out in public. You know, I spy waiting on our table at a restaurant. spy and I'm this little girl like looking around like excited when I found it. Another thing my mom would do with me was find the exits. It was a game. I never really realized it, but now what do I do as an adult? My mom was a flight attendant. she was a very street smart woman and I was very lucky to have her as a mom and certain things that she did, when we got to a hotel, it'd be find the exits. There were certain games and I got excited.

Yes.

I'll find the exits.

So I'd be like, mom, there's one, there's one. And she didn't even have to ask me to do it anymore. I would start telling her where the exits were. And now as an adult, it's just second nature. I walk into a restaurant and I'm like, okay, now I know, God forbid there's an emergency. There's an exit behind me to the right. And there's an exit right in front, depending on, you know, if there's some type of a threat and we need to exit immediately. But the what if game is truly one of the most fun and easy games you could play. And you make your kids the main character of this game and you put them in situations.

whether it be more of a serious conversation or fun and easy, you start there, where it could be like, what would you do if somebody came to pick you up from school, say it was a neighbor or something, you recognize them, but you didn't really know them, and they said, hey honey, there's an emergency and you need to come with me immediately, your mom's at the hospital. You know what I mean? Then that plays into, we're gonna get into that, but it plays into a family code word, and it all interconnects, and as a kid, again, I didn't realize what my parents were doing, but...

Mm-hmm. Mm.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

As an adult and now with a kid myself, I'm like, it's so empowering because any situation I found myself in, my parents empowered me to trust my gut and that little voice in the back of your head is there for a reason. And you don't want to push that down and be like, I'm overreacting. would rather be embarrassed and wrong than right. And in a scary situation. And that's something that I preach all the time, but the what if game is something all parents should play. Start easy, start simple, make it fun.

Mm. No.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Love it.

and go from there, build on it.

I love it. I mean, I'm like going through my brain, like my kids will love this and I think you can make it really silly. okay, what if you're walking through the store and a bird poops on your head? Like what's your next move? You know, like, do you wipe it with your hand? Do you like use your shirt? Are you just going to walk and just like move through it? Like, and then, so you come up with scenarios that maybe aren't as overwhelming. So the game doesn't feel like

Literally, exactly.

Whoa, these are all scary. Because this can be hard for a deeply feeling kid depending on the way that they take in information. But I love this. OK, so we're going to play the What If game and think about scenarios that can help prepare them

Yes.

You're creating it so they have the ability to think for themselves What would I do in this situation? And again, it's what would you do if you left your lunch at home? it's simple. So just start small and especially if you have a deep feeling kid, you just know your kid and you build from there.

Mm-hmm.

Love it.

Love it. Okay, so then the lying game.

Yes, yes, which is now what I lie to survive.

I would lie my way out of situations and people like look at me and roll their eyes like you're teaching your kid how to lie. I'm like, absolutely I am for their safety. There's a difference. Like I'm not teaching them to lie to me. I'm not teaching them it's okay to lie, but lying for your safety. A hundred percent. Absolutely. I will die on that Hill. You know what I mean? So they, again, it kind of played into the

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

the one if game, then it took it a step further and it was like.

What would you say? How would you think through this? And it helped me with dating as a young adult and just letting guys down without escalation or certain things. you don't owe a stranger your truth and you don't know really anyone your truth if it's something that would compromise your safety. So it's as simple as just getting in the habit of not being an oversharer as well. Like in an Uber, is this your home? No? No, this is actually, it's my brother's home. I'm just going to visit him and a couple of buddies.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Mm. Mm.

Mm-hmm.

No, yeah.

Mm.

off my tongue and it becomes second nature and once you start that at a young age, again it just it translates into their adult life and it helps in so many different ways.

Well, you're developing critical thinking skills because, because it's like, okay, this is, there is a big difference between a lie that is designed to take advantage of someone and a lie that is designed to protect yourself or someone else. I'm thinking of a time, I was in an airport and it was like, four in the morning or something. I had an early flight and I'm walking and there's nobody around and there's somebody that's like sort of in my caddy corner.

Exactly.

vibes, you know, which I'm always like, why are you walking in that space? Right. I don't love that. And so I was like, I'm just going to call my husband and he didn't pick up because he was probably just still sleeping. And so I literally just talked on the answering machine and was like, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah. huh. No, yeah. Trevor, he's just, he got, walked a cup a little bit ahead of me, but so he can't hear me right now, but he'll be there in a second. Yeah. Or like, you know, coming up with just like my signal to this person is like,

Right.

there is someone else aware of me and near me, But I think, the goal was not to harm this person. The goal is to make sure that in a situation where there's not a lot of eyes on me, that this person thinks there are. And you know, who knows? They were probably just a normal person doing nothing. But what if they weren't?

Mm-hmm.

Right, and you, ⁓

exactly. as a kid I did this and this is something that I preach all the time. If somebody comes up to you and says,

Are you alone? Are your parents here? The answer is always yes. Are you home alone? The answer is no. mean, it just, has to come naturally where you have these certain lies that you know you're gonna act on in those moments. So if you're playing at a park and somebody comes up and says, hey kid, are you here alone? Or, know, whatever they might say, the answer is no. And they know to lie in those situations for their safety. So it starts young. It starts young and then it's a tool I use now.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I love it.

I think it's so great. Okay, so family code word. Lots of folks know about this, but I think it's great to hear your take on it. Tell me about a family code word and how you use it.

my god. Mm-hmm.

Again, something my dad did with me as a kid. And what's funny is we use his code word that he had growing up. So this is generational. And a code word can be used in so many different situations from scary to non-scary. first off, establish a family code word. If you don't have one, sit down, you guys have homework tonight, listeners, please. Because it's something that I used all the time growing up and it could help save face with friends. So let's say you're at a friend's house, you're, you know, eight, nine years old.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

And they're like, can you sleep over? Call your mom and ask. And you're like, I don't want to sleep over, but you don't want to like be the kid that's like, no, it's hard to say no as a kid. And it gives your child the power to say no without being the bad guy. I'll be the bad guy. So they know they can call you and say, you know, for the sake of this video, the code word is pickle. So, Hey mom, I'm over at Jenna's house and she is asking if I could sleep over. I know that we had some stuff tomorrow. you know, side note, I'm so sorry. I'm to ask first because you know, I love those pickles at the grocery

Right. Yeah. Yes.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

or please don't forget those. But you what do you think? Can I, can I sleep over tonight? I really, really want to please. Now I know the answer is no. No, honey, you got to come home. Okay. Perfect. And then an emergency at school, you and your partner are the only to the pick up your kid from school. You have to send somebody else. That person needs the code word because it's a crazy world. And there have been situations where people will try and pick up a kid from school and they'll go with them because they facilitate some fake emergency or whatever type of ploy to get that kid to go with them.

Hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

The code word prevents that. AI scams, same thing. There are now AI voice clones where you're getting a phone call from your family member in distress. Family code word, what's the code word? No code word, hang up, call them. High school, you're at a party and things start going south and there's drinking and there's drugs and you don't feel safe. Again, text it, call it your parents know. And it's, it's the very important thing with the family code word is that there's no questions asked.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

You're gonna be there and you're gonna get your kid out of the situation no matter what it is. And you have to be their safe space. That's one of the most important things that comes with the family code word is that your kid can't get punished for then using it. They have to know that it's safe. It's safe and you're gonna be there to rescue them.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Right? Yes.

Yep. And then that goes into kind kind of my work around connection as the strongest form of protection, right? That trust between us and our kids is huge that they sense, Hey, if I'm in trouble, I'm not going to be in trouble with you. You're going to be a source of support and safety for me. I love it. how do we teach our kids to trust their gut instinct?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

yeah.

It's again, it starts young. It's a weird feeling because a gut feeling everyone has had one where all this you can't necessarily put your finger on it, but you're like, hmm, something doesn't feel right. I don't know what, something doesn't feel right. Lean into that. So as a kid, you know, I say to my son, if anything ever makes you feel uncomfortable or icky, yucky, whatever word you want to use. So your kid kind of understands. It's a conversation. You can come to me, come ask me questions, ask me anything. I'll answer you honestly. I want him to

that he can come to me and if something feels off, weird, makes his belly turn, any type of feeling that he doesn't understand what it is, let's talk about it. Let's open that line of communication and I'm going to be your safe space." the more you nurture that and the more you empower that feeling, the more it grows. It's like a muscle. The more you work it out, the stronger it gets. So for me, it's like my intuition will ... It's funny, my husband, we'll go to a business thing and we'll be networking and he'll

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

introduce me to a colleague or whatever and we'll get in the car and I'll go, I don't like his vibe. My husband's like, why? I'm like, I don't know. And then three months later, something happened at the company and that person ends up becoming a big problem. And my husband's like, huh. and I'm not even patting myself on the shoulder, but because there are certain people that you just get a vibe from It's leaning into that feeling and then just letting it be what it is and be wrong.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Yeah.

not right and in a bad situation.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think that's such a great message to teach our kids. Like I'd much rather that you react to something that makes you feel uncomfortable and ask for help and share. And it turned out that it was totally safe. That's not a burden to me. But like that's part of, know, what we do in our lives is we, we learn as we go. And, ⁓ one of the ways that I do this, that's kind of weird and random is when my kids feel grossed out by food.

Mm-hmm.

Cause that's one of the first ways that children feel disgust and disgust usually has an alert inside of it. It's a mix of, you know, fear and repulsion. And so when they feel grossed out, I, instead of saying like, no, no, we don't say that. We don't do that. I'm like, Oh, you feel disgusted by this. Where do you feel it in your body? because that is the same feeling that I have experienced is slightly different, but it's similar when someone's been, you know, like

Mm-hmm.

sexually aggressive in some way. It's creepy and I'd say like creepiness and disgust have their cousins. So I think like the more we give our kids an ability to feel, notice and study the rich landscape of their inner world, the more they're able to separate those things out and say, that person made me feel yucky. They didn't necessarily.

do something that I could put into the yucky behavior category, but there was some quality of the way they interacted with me that I didn't like. And that we as parents couldn't say to our kids like, okay, let's not have you be alone with that person. Let's make sure that, you know, the school knows that there's something that made you feel uncomfortable. You know, let's keep that person accountable for, we want them to be afraid of you basically. which...

Mm-hmm.

valid. All feelings are always

leads me into kind of boundaries and red flags and teaching our kids how to look out for strange behavior. I always say we're not teaching stranger danger, we're teaching strange behavior danger because we all know at this point, most of us know, that the majority of harm that happens to our children happens at the hands of people we know and trust, not at the hands of people we don't know. So speak a little bit to kind of what you teach on boundaries and red flags.

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

I love to teach tricky people over stranger danger. Cause like you said, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's not necessarily a stranger. It could be an uncle. could be somebody that they know and think that they should be able to trust. So again, playing back into trusting their gut feeling and leaning into whatever it is that feels off coming to their parent and having that conversation. It's so important to then validate that feeling and say, okay, I, we're gonna, I won't make, I'll make sure you're not alone with that person.

Mm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

And

It's a interesting time to be alive because it's not just in-person threats. It's online threats from people that are talking to your kids through social media or gaming or whatever it is. So having these conversations early and often to explain to kids, there are bad people out there. know, there's every kid's movie has like a villain. That's what I like to talk about with my son right now, because he'll say, that's not nice. And I'll be like, you're right. That's not nice. And there are not nice

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

people in the world is how I kind of started with him building on that because as much as I would love to be like, everyone's so kind and the world is beautiful. You can see the beauty in the world, but you also have to be very realistic and do it in a way that doesn't scare your kid. So having that conversation and talking and teaching tricky people versus stranger danger is one of the most important things that you can do as a parent.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Huge.

Yes, I talk to my kids about grooming behaviors. What are some typical grooming behaviors that you like to share with your son now?

my gosh, yes.

You know, grooming is scary because a big thing that I really started teaching him now is the difference between surprises and secrets. In our family, we have a rule and that's no secrets. We do not do secrets. And I explained to him, actually literally was talking to him about this yesterday. Do you know what a surprise is? he's like, it's when I get a present on my birthday or a new book in the mail. Like he gets very excited. He knows what surprises are. And I go, do you know what a secret is? And he did. And I said, that's a good thing. I'm going to explain it to you.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Also, very important and I'll get into what I said to him about secrets, but any adult that's around your child that you do trust for me That's my parents. That's our nanny. Whoever he's the rest of my family. I've been very forthcoming with

them using a specific language around him and not ever saying, this is our secret. Because what you're training him is that that's okay. And grooming them in a way where then a predator can really step in and use that against them, which is scary to think about, but true. So if my dad, for instance, it's like you give your kids over at their grandparents, they get spoiled, they get chocolate cake or whatever it is. Don't tell mom and dad, this is our little secret. Like, no, no, no, no, no, please do not say that because it's teaching him that

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

A secret is something that he can't come to me with or he might get in trouble. So having again, the understanding at a very young age, the difference between a surprise is a good thing. It's exciting. It's fun. It's silly. And I said to him, you know, surprise is something that we go to the store and we buy daddy a shirt and we're going to give it to daddy. We can't wait to get to daddy. We're not going to tell him about it today, but tomorrow is his birthday. That's a surprise. I'm not keeping it from him. He's getting it. A secret is something that if somebody comes to you and says,

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yes. Yes.

this needs to stay between us or else you're gonna get in trouble. If you go to your parents, you know, we're not gonna be able to hang out anymore. That type of behavior, once they know that, that's a red flag behavior and they hear that phrase, don't tell your mom and dad the word secret. This has to stay between us. He, my son knows he's gonna come to me and I'm not gonna be mad at him and I'm gonna say thank you for telling me. That's another thing too. There's a lot of situations where parents have asked me, what do you say in a situation where your kid comes to you with something where it catches you off guard?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

And my answer is...

You need to be able to digest that yourself. So the best thing that you can say in that moment is, thank you for telling me. Thank you for telling me. And even if you need to say, I'm going to go and I'm going to think about this for a second because this is an important conversation and I want you to know that I'm proud of you for coming to me. That was very brave of you. You want to reinforce that behavior and make it so it's a safe place and you're not flying off the handle. They said, what? Who did it? And they feel like they're interrogated in that moment. So it's about also understanding yourself and being able

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yes. Yes.

to remain calm and absorb information without freaking out. And that's very hard. I work on that all the time.

you want to show your child, I can handle this, even if internally you're not sure how you're going to handle it. The truth is you're going to handle it because it's your child and something's happening and they need you. so the, the goal is not to have a five point plan ready that you can, you know, no one has that. And it is, it's disturbing and disorienting when our kids are harmed and hurt, whether that's emotionally, physically, sexually, I mean, it's awful. So

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

when they come to us, our goal is to be authentic and to say, Hey, thank you so much. I'm going to figure out what we're going to do. I'm going to talk to some of my safe people so that we make sure that this gets taken care of in exactly the right way so that everybody stays as safe as possible. And, and then your kids going to, you know, depending on their age, be like, well, what do mean? Who are you going to tell? What is that going to like? They might be start panicking. And then you just say like, Hey, I got you.

Absolutely.

100%.

I got you.

And again, internally, you're like, what the flippity flippity flappity floop am I supposed to do here? But you go to your people, you know, you're not supposed to figure this out in isolation. These big things deserve community care. I love that. What are some of the everyday safety habits that would be good for us to remember and to give to our kids?

Right.

There's so many things that I see online where I'm just like, man, please stop doing this. And one of the biggest things is broadcasting your kid's name. I've had videos about this and sometimes people will get aggravated in the comment section. it's like, you know, the odds are that nothing's going to happen. Or I'm not not putting my name on my kid's backpack. They need to know it's their backpack. And I'm like, I get that. And yes, you're right. The odds are that nothing is going to happen. That's that's the truth. I will say it the way it is. But in the world that we live in, you never know who your kid's

Mm.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

going to cross paths with or whose eye they might catch. If they're walking

Mm. Mm.

home from school and they have Matt in big bold letters across the back of their backpack and somebody goes, hey, Matt, what are they going to do? They're going to turn around and they're going to look and automatically you're giving a stranger the ability to make your child think that ...

Mm.

They're a friend, they know them. So it's just, it's a very simple thing. It's protecting their information, it's protecting their name. So names on clothes, names on backpack, that's a big no-no for me. Yard signs with their picture and their sport and their school, stuff like that. It's just certain things that you don't necessarily think about all the time and they're just little tips and tricks and tools that you do as a parent that your kid doesn't even need to know about. know, like, Mom, everyone has their name on their backpack, can I have that? Sure, we're gonna do your initials though.

Mm. Mm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

mean, we'll do something else. ⁓

Mm. Mm-hmm.

whatever type, know, we could do some picture that you like, make it fun, but don't give away information that could put your child in a dangerous situation. another thing I talk about all the time is, and it's a weird one, but go to the bathroom with your kids. my dad did with me growing up, I always, he would either come into the men's room and he would knock on door and announce himself and he never got, you know, women getting mad at him. They would always be like, wow, that's like, wow, what a dad. That's amazing. You're protecting your daughter.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

in the door, whatever age I was at, and he would always try and take me into the women's bathroom and stand right outside the stall and just say, hey, I'm gonna come in, my daughter's in here, or he took me into the men's room, if there was a big line in the women's room, and just, again, check it out, make sure no one was exposed going to the bathroom, and he'd take me to the stall, check the stall, close the door and stand right outside. So letting your kids know that, again, independence is great, independence is very important, but you can't let your kid run at a park and go into a restroom

Mm-hmm. Mm. Mm-hmm.

and you have no idea who's in that building or stall. You have to go with them, you have to check it out. For me, it's like a non-negotiable rule. My husband knows that we do it all the time. And I see it all the time where we'll be at a park playing, and for instance, there's a bathroom that's far away. You gotta run to it. And I'll see a little girl that's probably eight or nine years old, gallivanting off to the bathroom by herself, and I'm just like, mm, it just gives me like that man.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Well, you have

such insight into how these situations happen and access and privacy are, you know, the two of the ingredients that someone who is sociopathic and intends harm or, you know, sometimes it's not, you know, grownups, it's other kids, you know, they've been abused, they're playing out their stuff. And I guess I want to say I'm so appreciative of kind of this thought process. And if you're listening to this and you're like,

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Exactly.

but I have three kids and I literally can't always be everywhere they are because sometimes I'm watching them by myself and what like, yes, my gosh, yes, that's me too. I'm thinking about sometimes at playgrounds where like I've got my like twins and I've got one that's sensory seeking and she's like always ready to bolt, you know, and so I'm like watching her and then my son who's four and a half years older who wants to go do something else and you know, so there's the, there's like the ideal and there's also the reality and, so, you know, thinking through

Right.

can I layer on these different safety things? You know, and they all play out together. So it's like you, you're teaching your kids boundaries, red flags, listening to their gut scenario stuff. And so then they go walk to the bathroom without you noticing and someone's in there and their body says, what in the world? And they, they run back to you and are like, mom, there's someone in the bathroom. I didn't want to go in. Can you come with me? Right? You know, so you're, you know,

Mm-hmm.

Exactly.

trying to follow all of these rules as best as you can these street smart kind of tips knowing that sometimes it's messier in reality.

Absolutely.

⁓ always,

always. It's not easy. None of this is easy. And life isn't easy. And parenting isn't easy. my gosh, every single day it's something new and it's humbling at times. You're like, my goodness.

Mm-mm. No. No.

my gosh, yes, yes, it is

so humbling. And I always, I always like to say that like there's the the parenting plan that I come up with it with each stage of like, I won't let my kids do X or I won't whatever. And then there's like the, ⁓ how do I adapt this plan for the details and the scenarios that you don't often know are going to play out. but I think when we're raising kids with critical thinking skills, ⁓ it makes this piece so much more effective.

any other little everyday safety habits.

would say be careful with screens in rooms unsupervised. Just because the internet is a deep dark place and some innocent Google search can lead them down a rabbit hole to some very dark things. being aware of what's going on in your kids phone and tablet is very important.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah, I'm going to tell a tiny little story here, which is one of the most important people in my family. She's like an added bonus member of my family. She's in her late 20s, 30s now, but when she was in middle school, she got into a chat room and she got connected to somebody who was obviously a criminal predator and he established trust with her enough that he was able to get enough of her information to know

where she went to school, where she lived and to blackmail her into giving him nude pictures of her as a 12 year old. And then he took those pictures and blackmailed her to give him more pictures for years. And she didn't tell a soul because she was so terrified and he said he was going to come and kill her parents if you know, she told anyone and he harassed her up until she was like at the end of high school and then she finally told her mom and they were able to

deal with some of the online pieces of it, but it's a trauma in her life. And you know, I don't look at that and blame her mom or her dad and say like, how could they have, you know, they didn't know what was happening. But I think the shame that comes around that for kids, even if someone isn't saying you have to keep this a secret, a lot of kids will keep that kind of stuff a secret because it feels so embarrassing.

It's shameful, it's like, I got duped, it feels awful. So I just wanna echo that 500 times, as much as we can reduce any kind of online exposure behind a door, behind a room, we limit technology in my house a lot.

And so my kids don't have their own devices. And if and when they are there, which will probably be when they're like 16, they, they will be devices stay in the main rooms. And I try to practice that too, because I'm not worried about being sextorted at this point in my journey. However, I can get sucked into doom scrolling and things that aren't good for my mental health. So it's just kind of a good rule to say devices stay in the

community rooms in our house. They don't go into our bedrooms and keep an eye on what's happening there and have the conversations. think, you know, live prepared, not scared. Isn't that one of your mottos? I love it. And so I think helping prepare kids for these are some things, you know, like my 10 year old son knows what sex torsion is. He knows how that can happen online, even though he isn't online himself very often, he knows about it. And so I think that's important to do. And then,

Mm-hmm. ⁓

Very important.

Your last point to us is, such an important point, which is to be our kids safe space. Say a little bit more about what that means to you.

Mm-hmm.

what you were just talking about, that's where it's so important. That's where it comes into play because you don't want the fear of punishment to keep your child from coming to you with a problem, big or small, whatever it is. And that starts when they're young. And to touch about sex-dortion, the amount of stories that I have heard and personal stories that moms have messaged me, it is very real. It's out there and it happens. And you said there's shame around it. That's exactly right. It's embarrassing. They feel like they've done something so wrong and so

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

dirty and

I want kids to know if you're listening, if you're a parent, you're not alone. You're not alone and there's no shame in it. You made a mistake. So what? So what? Kids are committing suicide over that.

Mm-hmm. Yes.

So being your child's safe space and making it so, number one, you said have the conversations. I love that you said your son knows what sextortion is. It's so important because then if it happens to them and they sent a nude to a girl that they thought was in their class or the school over and it ends up not being, hey mom, I made a mistake. Okay, let's talk about it. I'm here. We'll figure it out together. They need to know that no matter what it is that they can come to you and not internally

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

and

feel like they have to bear this burden by themselves. That's the number one thing. And again, being at all of it, every single thing that we talked about today ties into being your kid's safe space where they know that they can come to you at the end of the day without judgment or without fear.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yes. I mean, and that overarching message is if you're ever in trouble, if you ever feel uncomfortable with someone or something, if you, if you ever feel like you stepped in something and you really messed something up, you know, I will always be here to help. That's my job. I will help you. You will not be in trouble with me. You will be in support with me and we'll figure it out together.

Mm-hmm. ⁓

Absolutely.

extortion. That's they're at a party and they made a bad decision and are under the influence and they don't want to get behind the wheel. I will pick you up. No questions asked. We'll talk about it. not saying that gets you off the hook. We're going to have a mature conversation. You're not in trouble, but I want you to know the dangers behind that. It's a constant because so many people will be like, oh, you're just going to let them come to you for anything and it's totally fine. No holds barred. It's like, well, that's, you know, I'm going to absolutely at first. And if I'll talk to them, if I

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yeah.

Yes. Yes.

Yes, the answer is yes.

Yes.

And I mean, this is, we, you and I can nerd out on this for a long time, but understanding that what motivates a child to act well, to make good choices, to be is connection. And so if we are cultivating that secure dynamic with our kids, you know, they're not going to go, now I can get away with everything.

Yes.

You know, they're going to go, well, what do I want? And what does feel good and what doesn't feel good? And it's going to help them develop intuition and empathy and confidence. And I think that old school model of like, you're just going to let them get away with it is not steeped in an understanding of human development. Unfortunately. Yeah.

It's a level of trust too. It's a mutual respect

and mutual trust where you think you're a parent and you have every right to tell your kid what to do whenever they... And they're not gonna listen. We all know that. If you're a parent, you say something to your kid. And also if you say, don't do this, don't do that, it's gonna light the fire of...

Mm-hmm.

I want to do that. And it's the open and honest conversations. It's the mutual trust. It's the safe space. It's a, if your kid comes to you and has a question, answer it. Even if it's uncomfortable, means you're breaking a cycle. That's something I learned in therapy myself. It's like there are, you know, sex is such a taboo subject and kids will hear things on the bus and come home and ask, ask you a question that will, my God, what did you just say? And what I love to do too, is

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm.

Yes.

you turn it around and ask your kid, what do you think that means? if they're not of the age where that's an appropriate conversation and they say, what's 69 or something like that and you go, oh, it's a number. You're right, that is a number. And then you might want to poke a little bit and see if there's anything deeper that they're nervous to ask. But it's an open and honest conversation. If they're the age and they're asking about, know.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

what that really means, they heard it on the bus. If you don't tell them, where are they gonna find the answer? Online or from friends?

Yes. Right. Well, they're going to

totally this literally happened this morning. My son's making cookies. We have music on the background and I don't know who the art musical artist is, but it's a song that's like, I'm in love with your body. Who is that? Is that the redheaded dude? It doesn't matter. Everyone's everyone who knows is like it's Ed Sheeran. I think it's Ed Sheeran. Maybe it's not anyway. And my son's cooking. He's like mixing up Stephanie and goes, Mom, is this song about S.E.X.?

I'm so bad with this. I know the song.

And I was like, yeah. And he's like, then he just moved on. You know, it's not that interesting, but like, what if he doesn't feel like he can ask that? Then he's Googling, I'm in love with your body. Well, what's that going to pull up on the internet? Right? Or he's Googling S-E-X and then blah, right? So I think, you know, creating that talk ability, Mr. Rogers, I...

Yeah. Right.

Mm-hmm. God knows, right?

use this quote so much people are probably so sick of it, but what's mentionable is manageable. And so, you know, that becomes a manageable conversation. And at some point he's going have a lot more interest in it. At 10 years old, he doesn't even want to say the word sex because it's just so, he's going to spell it and then he's going to move on. But he didn't make me change the song. And he just kind of like, okay. It did seem something seemed weird, which again is about that intuition. He was noticing that something about the way these lyrics are written that feels like

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

something I haven't experienced yet.

And it's beautiful. He felt safe enough to be able to look to mom and say, is this about SEX? And you're like, uh-huh, okay. Now it's just, okay, that's a fact and we're moving on with our day. Great. You answered his question.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, totally,

I have absolutely loved this conversation and I love you and I know that so many people are gonna be so excited to pick up your book. I assume it's being sold wherever you buy your books. Can you read us the title and the subtitle?

Me too.

It is.

Absolutely. It is street smarts. Trust your instincts, out smart danger, and stay safe in a world that isn't. This is probably backwards, but you get the point.

Yeah, Dana! Yes,

it's perfect. We're so excited. I will put a link in the show notes and we'll definitely have you back on at some point to talk more about all the things we can do to stay safe.

I would love it.