Cass is joined by Alexis Fernandez-Preiksa, a neuroscientist, best-selling author and host of the incredibly popular "Do You F*cking Mind?" podcast.

The conversation explores how Alexis discovered her love for cognitive neuroscience and how she uses her knowledge to optimise her own health, happiness and success. She urges listeners to conduct an inventory of what they identify with to foster flexibility and resilience in their lives. She argues that rigid identities can limit personal growth. Through her tough-love approach, Alexis encourages individuals to embrace their evolving selves and to question the labels they assign to their personas.

She discusses the concept of self-critique versus self-criticism, advocating for a more constructive approach to personal evaluation. This shift allows you to recognise self-limiting behaviours without engaging in harmful negative self-talk.

Cass & Alexis discuss the importance of agency in mental health, encouraging listeners to take control of their thoughts and actions, thereby transforming their experiences of discomfort into opportunities for growth.

Alexis offers practical advice on setting realistic goals, stressing that everyone has the capacity to change and grow, regardless of their starting point, and that recognising one’s ability to influence their own thoughts and behaviours is crucial for fostering a positive relationship with yourself.

This episode is a treasure trove of insights for anyone looking to understand the dynamics of their mind better and to cultivate a happier, more fulfilling life.

Takeaways:

• Alexis discusses how her journey from aspiring actress to neuroscientist shaped her perspective on personal growth.
• The importance of setting realistic goals and starting small to build self-trust.
• Identifying with too many labels can limit personal growth; flexibility in identity is crucial.
• Self-critique should focus on behaviours rather than personal attacks to foster improvement.
• A healthy relationship with yourself is foundational to engaging in fulfilling romantic relationships.
• Embracing discomfort is necessary for growth; it’s about choosing the right kind of discomfort.

Connect with Alexis:

www.dyfmpod.com

https://www.instagram.com/doyoufckingmind/

Connect with Cass:

www.cassdunn.com

www.instagram.com/crappytohappypod

Watch this episode on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@CrappytoHappy

Foreign.

This is Crappy to Happy and I am your host, Cass Dunn.

I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher and of course author of the Crappy to Happy books.

In this show I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent people who are experts in their field and who have something of value to share that will help you feel less crappy and more happy.

Foreign.

Welcome to this week's episode of Crappy to Happy.

This week my guest is none other than the fabulous Alexis Fernandez Prexa.

You may know Alexis is the host of the wildly successful podcast do you Effing Mind.

Alexis is a neuroscientist, a best selling author, qualified personal trainer, content creator and she is passionate about helping people change their relationships with themselves by understanding how their brain works.

She combines psychology, neuroscience and a very down to earth, tough love, no holds barred approach to helping you achieve everything that you want in life.

It's the start of a brand new year.

She's got lots of advice, lots of tools that you can access to help you to set goals and achieve them.

She's got an audiobook called how to Chase Change which we will talk about without further ado.

Here's Alexis.

Alexis, welcome to the Crappy D Happy Podcast.

The.

Thank you for having me.

I'm very excited.

Yeah, such a pleasure to meet you.

I've known you and followed you for a while now.

I heard about your podcast by word of mouth, which I think is how it got to grow as big as it has.

Exactly.

Yep.

I was very lucky with that.

Yeah, very loyal.

Fan base, listener base, spreading the word.

But Alexis, let's just.

I'd love to find out a bit more about you.

So what I had heard was that you had were a pilates instructor at one stage.

I know you had aspirations to be an actress.

So how did you end up pursuing a career in neuroscience?

So I actually, while I was.

So when, okay, through high school and just out of high school, my dream was I want to be a film star.

I set my goal really, really high and I loved acting.

I loved doing anything with acting, short films, whatever I could get my hands on.

So that was the goal.

I moved to Sydney at, I think it was 18 and I did a year at Sydney Theater School.

But as anyone who's listening here knows, acting is just like, it's such a shit show.

Like the.

Just the arts industry in general.

I feel like any creative industry is really difficult just to get an in and for me it just absolutely wasn't happening.

But at the same time, while I was pushing for that.

I thought, well, why don't I go to uni in the meantime?

Because I'm not even getting a role.

And I thought that I was kind of sitting on my ass and I thought, maybe I can find something that I can do in the meantime that I like.

So I started doing a Bachelor of Arts and I chose randomly on a whim.

I can't tell you why, but one of the mix of subjects that I chose was psychology.

And probably less than, maybe less than 10 weeks in, there was a guest lecturer who was talking about neuroanatomy.

And for the first time, I think ever, I was just captivated.

I thought, oh my God, I.

I don't want this lecture to end.

I wish the whole subject was like this.

I just, I loved.

I was hanging onto his every word.

So then at the end of the lecture, I ran down and I was like, where can I do more of these subjects?

This is unbelievable.

And he's like, why don't you change your major?

Why don't you change to cognitive neuroscience?

So that's what I did straight away.

I changed my major and I did cognitive neuroscience.

And it was unbelievable.

We were dissecting human brains.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

It's so, so extreme.

But I was there for it, loving every second of it.

I can't, I can't even explain.

Like, my face lights up when I think about it, but still, always that just became just, oh, this is something I really enjoy.

But I want to be an actor.

I want to be an actor.

So I finished uni and then I moved.

That was in Queensland, moved to Sydney and was really trying to pursue acting.

It absolutely wasn't happening.

There ended up being a six year gap between finishing my undergrad and deciding to go back and do my masters.

And in those six years, I was kind of slow vlogging it out doing acting.

Then I quit acting, which was for me personally, a really good decision.

I think when you finally know when to quit and to pull the pin, it was really, actually quite cathartic for me to do that.

I lived in Paris twice, I lived in la.

I at the same time became a Pilates instructor and a personal trainer.

And I was getting really good at that.

I thought maybe I would open up my own Pilates studio.

I thought for fitness was kind of the end goal at that point.

But always in the back of my mind, I wanted to study the brain again.

I didn't even know what career.

I just wanted to return to studying the brain because it, it made Me, the happiest out of anything I'd ever done.

Korea didn't have an idea, but I loved studying the brain.

So I just applied for my Masters, thinking, I won't get in, but I'll find out what I need to get in.

And I got in.

So I thought, oh, shit.

And so I deferred because I was like, I'm not ready.

I don't know what I'm doing.

And then one year later, I started the Masters, and it was just better than I had imagined.

It was unbelievable.

And after one year of my Masters, that's when I started the podcast.

And the reason I started the podcast was purely because I thought, I want an outlet to teach people what I'm learning.

I thought, maybe I can finally combine my love of being on a stage and my love of science.

And I thought, I'll be a lecturer.

So a good practice to be a lecturer.

Maybe I should have a YouTube channel or an Instagram page or a podcast.

Podcast.

I was kind of throwing the ideas around.

I didn't know which one I'd lean into, purely as kind of an outlet for me to talk about a topic I was so obsessed with.

And then my friends had me on as a guest on their podcast, and I thought, this is the coolest thing ever.

I'm doing a podcast.

And so unlike, I think, I mean, everyone starts a podcast for different reasons, but for me was.

That was the reason.

And it took off.

It just took off pretty quickly as well.

It was a bit of a perfect storm.

I mean, the topic itself, as you would know, almost everyone can relate to.

We all have a brain.

We all have moods that fluctuate.

So.

And it was at the same time as Covid as well.

So it was just quite a good perfect storm at the same time.

And, yeah, the success of the podcast has all been thanks to, you know, word of mouth and people spreading it.

And here we are.

Here you are.

So.

Because it's huge now.

Yeah, yeah, it's.

It's honestly huge.

And not just in Australia.

So Australia only accounts for about probably 40% of my audience.

US is probably another 35%.

And then the rest is global.

I've got, like, random markets that do well, like Germany and the Netherlands and obviously New Zealand.

But, yeah, it's really, really cool to see it, like, pop off in different countries.

It's pretty.

Pretty amazing.

It is.

It is.

And you just answered what was going to be my next question, which was, then, how did you end up starting the podcast?

Like, what inspired that?

What I love about your story is that it is this perfect blend of the part of you that wanted to perform and the part of you that loves science.

I think so often people go looking for what's the perfect thing, and you don't actually know.

I mean, you only join the dots kind of in hindsight.

Like, it just.

If you just follow your curiosity and follow what lights you up, definitely.

And I think what.

What really stumps a lot of people is they'll be.

And it's not that you shouldn't be specific on a dream.

I think if you know exactly what you want, absolutely go for that first.

But I think you'll be surprised at how many different things within the realm of what you want, you would be very happy in.

So if you really break it down, if I ask myself, why did I like acting?

I loved having an audience.

I loved performing, but I also really loved being myself.

And acting wasn't necessarily that.

I loved improv, where I was me.

And, you know, like, that was my favorite part.

So technically, I'm actually doing something I prefer a lot more now.

So sometimes, you know, if.

If you like something, ask yourself, what is it about this thing that I like and how many other things could I apply that to?

And you'll be surprised.

There's many other avenues that you could take that might suit you more and you might love way more and might be more within your control, which for me was podcasting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The other thing that I heard you say was that you never.

Because you were so into drama and acting, that you never really considered yourself to be an academic type, and you'd kind of almost written off university as an option.

Yes, yes, big time.

I did.

I refused.

I even hated that I had to do mathematics in high school.

I was trying to get out of it, but that was the.

The one.

Even, like math and English, you could not get out of everything else.

You could, you know, And I was like, oh, but I'm not academic.

I.

I did dance, drama, art, you know, everything that was totally the opposite of science.

I kick myself.

I mean, it's so long ago, it doesn't matter, but I kick myself.

I would have loved science had I given it a chance.

And I think it's just so cool that I had this idea I'll just go to uni because I don't want to be, you know, and I end up doing a science degree and then a master's in science, which I think is really good for anyone listening.

The label you put on yourself is not a permanent label unless you make it.

So we are so quick to say, I'm not a morning person.

I'm not academic, I'm not smart, I'm not book smart, I'm not this, I'm not that.

But you're making it that way because you're choosing to stay that.

That might be your past.

You might be talking about who you have been, but if you want to be academic, you are academic, you know.

So I think it was really cool for me to discover a love for science, because even with the podcast, so many of my audience members say, I never thought I'd want to study science.

I'm now doing a degree in science because.

Amazing.

The podcast.

Yeah, it's really cool.

And what I was thinking about when I was listening to your story too, was that I think there are people who maybe are in that box if I am academic.

And they've always been very good at school, and so they almost feel like their path is predestined.

And so there's just an expectation that they'll go to university.

It's just a matter of whether the medicine or law, you know, that kind of thing.

And what I hear in you and in your story is that because it was unexpected, there's just this enthusiasm for it, which then, like, you obviously wanted to share.

Whereas people who have are just following the.

The expected path, the kind of predestined almost path, they just don't.

Maybe they do.

Maybe they would still enjoy it, maybe they do still love it.

But there's.

I don't hear that level of kind of enthusiasm.

Ye.

And excitement.

Totally.

And.

And I think with a lot of people, we end up kind of saying, oh, I'm good at this.

I'll just stay doing this just because I'm good at it.

If I had stayed doing what I was good at and not branching off, I would be probably owning my own Pilates studio, which is not.

I'd probably have a good life.

I'd probably like it, but I would have never experienced this avenue that my life took.

And I'm really grateful that I did.

And so sometimes you should be curious.

You should ask yourself often, am I still happy doing this?

It's okay to want other things.

It's okay to want different.

That's like we're ever evolving beings.

You should never feel that it's a waste if you've started in a career and then you think, but I wish I was more creative, or I wish I was working with people more, or whatever.

Whatever it is, I think it's we should ask ourselves those questions way more.

But like, people get stuck in a career for 20, 30, 40 years, you know.

Yeah.

Alexis, this podcast is coming out right at the launch of the new year, which is, as we all know, it's when everybody's setting goals and deciding what they're going to keep doing, stop doing, do more of, you know, got all of those resolutions happening.

Whether you love them or you hate them, you cannot help psychologically but feel like, okay, it's a new year, fresh start.

I know so.

And you have recently released an audiobook, you've written several books, and we can get to that later.

But you've recently released an audiobook called how to Chase change.

It's a 30 day program for mastering your mindset, which is perfect for anybody at this time of year looking to build some habits and examine their choices and how they actually make sustainable change.

Now, one of your key points in that, in that audio book is, as you just touched on, is this concept of identity.

And I would love for you to talk a little about that, about how you do, how you define identity and how it can either kind of make or break, how it kind of supports, support you or actually undermine you in terms of achieving goals and making change.

Definitely.

So I feel like identity is obviously what we identify with.

It's who we are and who we say we are.

And a lot of our language kind of reinforces this identity.

And if it goes unchecked, you may very well be identifying with things that don't actually serve you at all.

So I always say to people, and if you, if whoever listens to the book, they'll hear this, but you should do a little bit of an inventory on what you identify with and you should identify with as little as possible because it makes you so much more flexible, you know, like it makes you become a, you have a flexible mind.

And that's really, at least for me, that's the most I could ever wish for.

Because when you have a flexible mind, you're adaptable, you're resilient, you're dynamic.

There's, you know, you can, you can make the most of almost any situation.

So sometimes we'll have a very fixed identity of what I'm capable of, what I'm, what I'm willing to do, what kind of person I am, who I identify with, what kind of people I hang out with, my likes, my dislikes.

Sometimes it's fine to have all those things, but to make them I am, this is part of me can actually be a little Bit detrimental.

Same as, you know, it also can be.

You can get offended really easily.

Like if you identify so heavily with a celebrity or a sporting group or a political party and someone makes a statement about that political party, you can't even argue properly because you take it as a personal offense.

Instead of saying, that's interesting, let's have a debate.

You know, you're making a criticism on something that's outside of me, and I'm willing to look at it and I might even see it through a new lens.

And now I can, you know, it makes us less biased.

And I'm always working on it too.

I'm not saying, oh, I don't do it, but I'm always checking myself being like, are you getting offended?

And why are you too attached to this thing?

And can someone teach you something?

But am I not willing to learn?

Because it's like, oh, no, that's a stab at me.

So I feel like the less we take offense, the less.

Well, the less we identify with things, the less it offends us, the more open we are to learning, changing or reinforcing what we believe, which is fine.

And the better you are at finding out what really works for you.

Because so many people identify with things just because their friends do or just because their parents did or just because their religious group did or their culture did.

And it may not serve you and you'll be stuck in that path resenting the people around you because it doesn't feel right, but it's just who you are and you think you have to live that way.

So that part of the book is really big because it's kind of an opportunity for you to be like, do I still want to have this as my identity?

Because I have the.

I can shake this off if I want.

I just think that is such good advice.

Such like, it really, really is.

And you know, you talk to about.

And I was.

Even as I listen, I can think of times in my own life, like I went through a period of time just as an example for listeners as well.

Like, I went through a period where I was vegan.

And I didn't just become vegan.

I decided I needed to open up a vegan store.

And so I became like one of the first online vegan stores to exist in Australia.

You know, this is 18 years ago or something.

And.

And then after a few years, like, it wasn't working for me, like it.

And I'm still was completely on board with all of the philosophies and the values of the vegan lifestyle and etc.

But it was so much harder to make that change because it becomes this part of, like, your identity and not just for yourself, but this alignment with a group.

And it almost feels like I'm going against the group.

Yes.

If I make this personal change just for me.

And I think on.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, I know exactly what you're saying and it's, it's true.

And then because of that, you probably found it even harder to change because you're thinking, I'm letting people down.

They're who I'm them, they are me.

And so you're so torn.

And then the guilt.

And then once you've got guilt, then you're really stuck because some people just, it's like, I can't, I can't do.

It, you know, which is just, if you think about it, just ridiculous.

Like, this is just a personal choice for an individual and we just attach so much to it.

I know, I know.

It's so true.

It's so true.

So the beauty about that is it opens your eyes to be like, what's actually serving me?

What's not?

What do I need to feel guilty about?

And what don't I need to feel guilty about?

Because guilt is fine if it's something where you've actually done something wrong and there's a lesson to be learned, but not where it's put on you unnecessarily and it's just like eroding at you for no reason.

Yeah.

Now this brings me to one of the biggest issues that, you know, women in my community and my listeners experience is self criticism.

Right.

Really, really harsh self judgment.

And so I'm always banging on and on and on about self compassion.

You have introduced me to this idea of self critique as opposed to self criticism, which I was really intrigued by.

Let's talk about self critique because I love that concept.

Yeah.

Okay.

So I think that it's.

When it comes to this idea of criticism, sometimes we think, well, I've got to learn to not criticize myself at all.

I've got to look.

But really, that's unrealistic to not say anything negative about yourself because like I mentioned earlier, we're always evolving.

We're always learning new things.

You're going to do things that aren't perfect, that, that aren't right.

The issue is when we put ourselves down and criticize ourselves to the extent where we are character assassinating ourselves versus picking up on a behavior and saying, how can I improve this?

What could be done better?

And you're almost looking at it like I'm coaching myself.

So I'm being really helpful.

I can still pick out things that aren't working for me or could have improved or where maybe I shouldn't do that again.

But instead of attacking myself, I'm really instead critiquing and saying, that's interesting.

I wonder why I did that.

It's probably because of this, okay, cool, maybe I can learn.

And then it's actually helpful.

It actually ends up being productive for you.

When you talk down to yourself, when you engage in negative self talk, when you criticize yourself in that way, you are more likely doing this like character assassination, which is more like, I'm an idiot, I'm a failure.

Yeah, so embarrassing.

Everyone's going to.

Everyone's going to remember this one thing I said for the rest of their life.

I this, I that.

And then it's paralyzing because then when you try and do that same thing again, you, you've got all these demons and you've met, you've catastrophized.

Where often most people in general aren't thinking what you're thinking about yourself, you know, maybe they had a fleeting negative thought, but that they just don't care because we're all in our own head.

So they're preoccupied with dealing with their own lives.

So critiquing is, I think, a really good way.

Think of how you would speak to a best friend when they did something wrong.

You'd still raise it, but you talk about their behavior.

You wouldn't talk about them as a person.

Yes.

And with a much more balanced perspective and appreciation of what is good about them.

Exactly.

Well, exactly.

And yeah, I think that's the issue, isn't it?

And I feel like in order to get to that place of being able to actually be a willing and able to critique yourself, like to be balanced in your evaluation of yourself and the behaviors or what you could have done better.

There does need to be some level of self acceptance.

Like self, but self awareness and self acceptance.

Otherwise, as you say in the audiobook, you're only going to go down the path of being defensive.

That's right.

That's right.

Like doubling down.

Yeah, potentially.

And the funny thing is, the more you are willing to, you know, critique yourself, but in, in a productive way, the more you are willing to be like, okay, that's something.

That's, you know, this is something to do with my behavior.

It's not me.

You don't feel attacked by you anymore.

You start to notice that you Become your own friend.

You're on your side, and you're actually more likely to try new things, take more risks.

Risks, because you start feeling like you are on your side, that you have your own back.

And when you switch to being like, how can I constructively break down this situation so it's helpful and not damaging, you start to shake off this idea that I'm a failure, I'm not good enough.

I'm this, I'm that, You know?

So it's kind of, and I mentioned this in the book again, but it's kind of this difference between growth mindset and fixed mindset, where one is this deep belief in who I am.

Whereas growth, Growth mindset is more.

I can learn, I can try, I can keep doing this.

I, I, I feel like I get more out of praise for effort than I do for achievement and things like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So important.

Speaking of growth mindset, it's every, Everything that you say is just leading me into the next thing I was going to ask you about.

It's like, perfect.

Another thing that I, and you know, I'm a psychologist, so I've heard of a lot of these concepts and I teach a lot of this as well.

But there's so many ideas that you have shared that I thought, oh, that actually really good.

I'm going to use that for sure.

The Batman effect.

Can we talk about that?

I'm going to order that other book, by the way.

But yeah, let's talk about the Batman effect.

So the Batman effect, I'd love to quote who did it?

It's not coming top of mind.

It's in my book.

But the Batman effect was a study that was done on children, and they wanted to see how long children would try at a task.

And they broke them down into different groups.

One group, they were just being themselves.

The other group, they were, I think they were asked to.

There were three groups.

The middle group, I believe it was them, like, trying to.

Like they were, they were encouraging them to try harder, something like that.

But one group, they had to assume an alter ego.

And in this scenario, it was Batman.

So the kids were, I'm Batman.

I'm Batman.

I'm Batman.

And then they got them doing this task.

The thing was, there was actually no solution to this task that they were doing some sort of a puzzle.

There was no actual solution.

So you couldn't actually solve this task.

They just wanted to see how long the kids would be willing to try before giving up.

And the group where the children assumed an alter ego Like a superhero or Batman in this scenario, lasted the longest in effort.

They kept trying.

They kept trying.

And they were saying things like, well, Batman wouldn't give up.

Batman would keep going.

Batman this.

And they were having fun.

They were having a really good time.

They weren't thinking, I'm an idiot.

I'm not getting this.

I give up.

I give up.

You know where you get frustrated?

They just kept going and going and trying because Batman wouldn't give up.

And that concept, this idea of the alter ego and yeah, definitely.

Go read that book.

It's a great book.

The Alter Ego Effect.

It's this idea that just a simple shift in how you approach a challenge, how you approach hard work or any situation, whether it be having an alter ego, whether you're imagining that you're in a different situation, instantly changes the level of effort, but also a reduction in your stress and in your frustration.

You actually have a lot more fun.

And like a little anecdote.

My cousin and I, because I grew up very, very close with my cousin, my mom and auntie would always put us to, like, clean the kitchen or clean the bathrooms or whatever.

And my cousin and I, even as kids, we just had this.

I don't know why we thought this, but we had this game that we played that we were servants to the Queen and we would have to do it by a certain time.

We had so much fun cleaning the kitchen, the bathroom, folding the clothes, whatever.

Our mums would have been like, this is a great game.

We're just going to keep giving them, like, tasks to do.

And because we were together, we were playing.

I don't think at any point we ever complained about these house chores because we had this unintentional alter ego thing.

We had this role that we were playing, and it just became role play.

And we had so much fun.

It is such an interesting concept.

And.

And I would love to read the book.

I will read the book.

The Alter Ego Effect.

So there's apparently loads of examples of really successful people.

Athletes.

Athletes.

Beyonce.

Beyonce, really?

It's Sasha Fierce.

So she was actually really, really big, timid.

And he speaks about this, about her whole, like, case as a case study.

But she was so, so timid.

And she, you know, grew up in a church and was like a church singer.

But to be in these, like, skimpy outfits on a stage, it really took a lot for her.

So that's where she assumed this alter ego.

And she thought, well, it's not Beyonce getting on stage.

It's Sasha Fierce.

And she would tell that to herself.

And she could be a completely different version of herself on stage.

Stage.

And then it became so big that she titled an album after it.

I just had little chills when you told that story.

There's something incredible.

Yeah.

Very cool.

It's.

It's amazing what your mind can do as far as hindering, but also pushing you forward.

Like, once you understand these little tools that we have, that's underlying.

And you would understand as a psychologist.

Yeah.

So much that so many of us don't even realize is there.

Once you start scraping the surface, you're like, I can use my brain as a crazy tool.

I can trick my brain to work in my favor by little things like that.

Yeah.

What do you reckon are the three from your perspective and that all of the questions that you're getting from listeners and all the speaking that you do when it comes to.

I'm setting myself a goal.

I really want things to be different this year.

I've been doing this for too long.

This is all the standard stuff that comes up beginning of the year.

People who have tried and failed, you know, and they almost have.

It's almost like they're resigned to, like, why.

What's going to be different this time?

Often people will have.

They'll have all of this hope and optimism, but there's this little voice in the heads that, like, oh, my.

Like, it's never worked before.

So, you know, it's almost starting off defeatist.

Like, what are some of the most helpful hacks?

I guess that.

Not hacks, I hate that word.

But the tools that you could share to really help people.

Using neuroscience to really help position people to, you know, get the most from this new year.

So much.

There's so much that we have at our disposal.

It's just very exciting.

So the first.

The number one thing that I would say is you have to.

Okay, there's a thousand things.

There's a million things.

I'm like.

With all these ideas, okay, so the first one is you want to.

You want to take.

You want to put yourself in the shoes of your weakest self.

Like, we've got this delusion, all of us, myself included, single one of us, that there is a version of us that exists on Monday or next year or outside of right now that is willing to do what we're not willing to do right now.

Okay.

We all have that.

And if you're not willing to look at that and not willing to say, okay, well, what am I willing to do right now?

Even if it's just literally Walking one lap of the block right now.

If I'm not willing to do that right now, why do I think the may of tomorrow will?

And if you can't answer that, then you need to shrink the goalpost.

Like bring the goalpost closer.

Because so many of us set ourselves so many big goals, especially in January, we think, right, I'm going to get up at 5am, I'm going to only drink, you know, water until this time.

And we've got this huge list.

We expect so much from ourselves in an instant.

And of course, it's so overwhelming, it's really, really hard because none of them are habits yet none of them are part of our habitual way of living, that everything is conscious effort, which is just exhausting if every single thing we do is conscious and not automatic.

So then of course we give up because it's awful.

And then we think, I'm a failure.

But you're not a failure.

Your setup was flawed, but you are not a failure.

You just haven't set it up properly.

So the first thing that I would suggest is that you become a person of your word.

Okay?

You've got to promise yourself from now on, I am following through with what I say.

And if I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to say it.

And the best thing you can do is you start off with one thing a day that you promise yourself.

Ideally not something that you normally do.

So not, I'm going to brush my teeth tonight because hopefully you're already doing that, but something that you weren't, you don't normally do.

And it doesn't matter how small it is.

It's about becoming committed to your word.

You're going to say, from now on, I'm never again going to go back on my word, especially with myself.

I'm going to be so reliable and I'm going to start very small.

So today, no matter what, before I go to bed, I'm going to reply to this person that I haven't replied to.

It's a little task.

I'm going to go through my cutlery drawer and wipe out the crumbs that's tiny, but it's going to take me two minutes.

And then you start, oh, okay, there's not.

It's been seven days and I've followed through.

It's been 30 days and there's not been one day where I've gone back on my word.

And then you start thinking, okay, I can actually.

I'm a person of my word.

You know, we we can all think of one person in our lives who's always a flake.

We can't rely on them at all.

Love them so much, cannot rely on them because they always go back on their word.

And there's a person in our lives that we can probably think of that is just a person of conviction.

And we're like, that person will never let themselves or me down.

And that's inspiring.

So you think, okay, if I can start trusting myself, it doesn't matter how small I start.

It means that once I commit, it's a done deal.

It's done.

So start small.

And it's.

I know it's boring, but if you start small and incrementally start expanding the promise that you make for yourself, before you know it, you are a person of action.

You are waking up earlier, you are doing these things, and it might take six months, but most of us spend 5, 10, 20 years going.

Huge goals, nothing.

Huge goals, nothing.

Bouncing back and forth.

And the, the biggest problem with all of that is that we then don't trust ourselves.

Like you said, we start off defeated because we think, I'm going to fail.

I always fail.

I never follow through.

I know, and it's awful.

That's such a, like a sad way to start a goal.

I would encourage people that I think you should set your height, your sights as high as you want for your goals.

But let's have smaller steps along the way that we can start achieving.

If you wake up at 8am and you want to start waking up at 6am, but you've tried it for a year straight and it's not happening, say for one week, I'm waking up at 7:50.

I don't care.

I'm waking up at 7: 50 and then seven photo.

And then within six months, you're a 6:00am person or whatever the goal is.

So we, we do things, we set the goal in the, in a place that's so painful, so uncomfortable.

And we know that we hate discomfort and we'll do anything to avoid it.

It's got to be uncomfortable, but not so uncomfortable that you feel like you're torturing yourself, because that's when you give up, you know?

Yeah.

So that's one of the many things.

Feel free to share more if you want.

If you want to.

But.

Yeah, but that.

Avoiding discomfort is another really good.

I mean, I talk about that all the time as well.

It's like we, we've got to be a little bit willing to tolerate some discomfort.

Right?

So.

And because that's Going to come up if you want to do something different.

It's going to feel uncomfortable.

What do you tell people in terms of how to distinguish between, you know, healthy discomfort and.

And when?

Actually, no, that's a.

That's a no.

And.

And you should.

I don't know.

Yes.

So the way I look at it, there's two kinds of discomfort.

There's the discomfort.

That's an active choice, and it's always going to benefit you in the long run.

And then there's the discomfort that it's passive and it's happening to you.

So an example of that will be, I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating well, and now I feel like I have no energy.

I feel like, oh, my body feels sore, Steve.

I don't feel good.

That's discomfort for passive discomfort.

I haven't actively taken a role in it, and I know I could have made other choices to avoid this, but this is happening.

Discomfort as a choice, where it serves you in the long run is now I have to move my body on a daily basis.

I'm going to say no to the second dessert.

I'm going to say whatever it is.

I'm going to, like, eat protein.

I'm going to, you know, when I don't want to, when I.

You know what I mean?

It's these little things that I'm not really in the mood for.

But it's an active choice for that discomfort.

I'm choosing this over something else.

But discomfort is always there.

It's part of our lives we've got to look at.

It is, you cannot avoid discomfort.

It is impossible.

You are either uncomfortable because you're pushing yourself to do something out of your comfort zone, which you should be doing for your brain health every single day anyway.

You should always challenge your brain if you want longevity and, you know, for your brain as you get older, stave off degeneration.

But the alternative to that discomfort is the discomfort of being dissatisfied from where you are in your life.

Whether it's physical, how you're feeling, your sleep quality, the fact that you didn't go and take that risk, the fact that you never went and did that trip, the fact that you're not in the career that you want to be in, so there's the discomfort of I'm uncomfortable with my life situation, or I'm uncomfortable because I'm regretting not doing something, or I'm uncomfortable because I've got to do that uncomfortable thing right now, which will serve me later.

But discomfort is a constant in our lives.

So we've got to get friendly with it and we've got to choose which one we're going to go for.

That is such a great tip.

And I think that's just such an important question for people to ask themselves in that moment when I really don't want to get out of bed or I really don't want to go to the gym, like, that's, that's one way, right, that people can kind of reframe that question and go, well, it's this discomfort or it's the discomfort later when I let myself down, or I'm still in the same place six months from now.

And, and it's not always that hard.

It's the brain.

So many areas of the brain, when you work it, it works like a muscle.

You know, when you first try and do a deadlift, it's, you're not going to go for 100 kilos, you're going to do something a lot lighter.

And even then you're probably really sore.

The first time, and it was like, that was so hard.

That was same as willpower, same as this, this grit.

The first few times, it's hard, but I can guarantee you it is not always that hard.

The discomfort that you feel getting up and doing that thing, if you, if you're relatively consistent, even a 60% hit rate of consistency is very effective.

The discomfort you feel in a month's time versus the first time is tiny in comparison.

You know, the body adapts very, very quickly.

You've just got to push through the initial stages and like I said, small steps.

So it doesn't even have to be that extreme.

But it's going to be more uncomfortable now.

But this is not what it's going to feel like for the rest of your life.

It will get so much easier.

You adapt, your brain adapts.

It's like a muscle.

So you've got to say, like, there's light at the end of this tunnel.

Waking up this early will be second nature in no time, or whatever the task is.

You might not be a morning person.

There's nothing wrong with that.

But whatever you've set yourself to do, think it's not always going to be this way, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

From you learning neuroscience, how have you used what you've learned to achieve your own goals?

And how do you continue to use what you've learned to move forward on goals in your life?

I think one of the best things that you know, neuroscience and studying, you know, the mind and everything has taught me is how kind of resilient and plastic the brain is it?

I.

Probably my favorite thing that I've learned is life and self development and everything.

It's not about avoiding anxiety, avoiding sad thoughts, avoiding flat days.

It's when it occurs.

I'm able to deal with it in a really, really healthy and productive way.

Like, I'm not saying I never get anxious.

Of course I get anxious.

Of course I get my days where I'm like, I just done.

I can't.

I'm just tired.

I can't.

This crops up for me.

I think a lot of people think, well, you know, you're just motivated and you're ready to go.

It's not even about that.

It's.

It's.

You learn the more you look at your mind, the more you look at your brain.

You learn all these tools with, you know, neuroscience, with neuroplasticity, with everything to, okay, when I'm feeling this way, bang.

I know how to deal with it.

I know how to deal with it in the most productive way possible.

I know how to process my emotions, so that way I don't avoid certain things.

I know how to be resilient.

I understand that physical behaviors can actually change a feeling.

I know all these little tools.

I know that, you know, if I'm going through emotional pain, if I do these few physical things, deep breaths, go for a run, do whatever, do this.

I'm actually changing my.

My emotions, my thoughts, my everything.

You know, I feel like the coolest thing about studying neuroscience is you have a bit of a handbook to your brain and you realize that not everything is a thought.

You can do other things that can then influence better thoughts, like your behaviors and, you know, your habits and things like that.

I think it's.

It's just opened my eyes to how much can be changed.

And then from that, you become more productive.

You become more like, my attention span is a lot better.

My focus is this is a lot better.

You know, time blocking and things like that.

You just use these really simple but very effective tools.

And it's kind of mind blowing once you put it all together into a bit of a lifestyle.

And I don't have.

It's not like I do it every single day.

It's not like I have every perfect day.

There are mornings where my intention is to get up early and I wake up and I'm like, I'm sore.

I'm gonna sleep in.

It's.

That's fine.

I think we think everything's got to be perfect.

And when we start off and when it's not perfect, we then think, oh, well, back to square one.

But it's not back to square one.

You know, it doesn't have to be every single day.

Consistency doesn't mean a hundred percent.

It's just more often than not.

And if you can stick to more often than not, then you're seeing huge changes.

There's just so much that you said, just in that one little spiel that we could probably unpack.

But essentially, essentially what you said, what I picked up on was when I know that I have these tools, like when I know if I'm in this mood, this is available to me, I can use this, do this with my body, I can do this with my mind, and I can help myself have a.

A shift.

And it works.

It gives me a sense of agency.

Like, it makes me feel in charge of myself and in control of my own kind of destiny instead of feeling like a victim.

Yeah, 100%, which is so important for.

Mental health, is just to feel like you have choices, you have agency.

That's so important.

I think a lot of people, you know, when you're having a bad day, you feel exactly that.

You feel completely out of, like.

Like you have no control over what's going on.

You feel very much like a victim to your circumstances and that you're kind of stuck and kind of trapped in that, which is awful.

You have.

You feel like you have no power, but there is so much you can do.

And when you start to realize that your brain is this neutral thing, it's not there to hurt you.

You can, you can steer it to help you, so your brain does what you train it to do for the good or for the bad.

And a lot of us have very unintentionally trained our brains or based on our upbringing, our brains have been trained to not be helpful to us.

But the beauty is it can be retrained to actually be helpful.

So, I mean, I very much acknowledge that different people are at a different starting point as well.

Some people are in a much more fortunate starting point with how their brain is to them, how their thoughts are and, you know, their, you know, internal working model and all of that.

But no matter where you start, no matter where your starting point is, change can be made.

That, that's the beauty about it.

So even if it's harder for you than for others, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't give yourself the opportunity for that change.

If anything, these people deserve the opportunity more.

So, yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely.

I've got one Last question though.

You started a podcast, really about neuroscience and the power of the mind.

I don't know when or how it happened, but you seem to have become quite, amassed quite a following around the area of dating and relationship advice.

Know if you intended that?

No, it is.

What happens has happened.

So anybody listening, like, go to Alexis for all of her great dating advice as well.

But, but you also are very, very big on the idea that the number one relationship that you should be working on is your relationship with yourself.

Yeah.

So.

And you, you know, you mentioned before about like keeping promises to yourself.

I'm just wondering if you could leave listeners as they are starting this year, like, what would be one key piece of advice you would have about how they can cultivate a more positive relationship with themselves.

Definitely.

And so I'm glad you said that because I think that's probably why it became.

I ended up doing so many things around like relationships with the narcissist or getting over a breakup or limerence and things like that is because it's just so engulfing.

It engulfs your mind when you're heartbroken or when you're in an unhealthy relationship that you feel like you can't really function well in other areas.

So I guess acknowledging how big a role love and romantic relationship plays on your mental health, I think that's kind of how it kind of led into that.

But I think the main thing that people have to think about is that if you don't work on your relationship with yourself and being the one that offers yourself the most kind of support and has your back when the chips are down and, you know, validates yourself, then what happens is that you are more likely to accept things that aren't that great within your life.

You know, if you hate being single, if you're someone that says, I just can't be single, I can't be alone, I can't, you have to ask yourself why.

Why?

I need to know why that is.

Because if I tell myself that I cannot be single, then it means that I will put up with anything but being single, which then opens the door to really unhealthy relationships and really unhealthy dynamics.

Whether you're dating a toxic person or not.

Sometimes you can be in a relationship with a well meaning person and it still ends up being a very unhealthy relationship or one that's a waste of your time.

It's just not working for you because you've completely.

You're not thinking, I need to set a Standard for a relationship, you're not doing that because you're just like, I just don't want to be alone, I don't want to be alone.

And then what happens is you end up acknowledging you're in a bad relationship, but you can't leave because you think, well, I can't be alone.

I can't.

You haven't done all this work on yourself.

So I think the number one thing you got to ask yourself is to help, you know, raise the, the minimum standard should be you being single.

That's the minimum standard, okay?

Anyone that comes into your life has to add to that.

It has to add to that.

So for me, yes, I'm in a very healthy relationship.

But prior to meeting Tyrone, I was, I'm not joking when I say I was like, I'm pretty sold on being single because I'd set my life up so good.

I loved being single.

And mind you, I wasn't sleeping around, I was pretty, like didn't even want to date.

I just was loving this independent life.

And it wasn't always like that.

But I finally got to that point.

But the minimum standard was so high that I thought, oh God, no one's going to come in and better this, you know.

So yes, okay, it eliminates a lot of people that you could be dating.

But the beauty is when you get to that point that doesn't matter because you love your own company so much and then you're thinking, why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who, you know, isn't supportive of me or puts me down, or expects me to do way more work than they do in the relationship or all these other reasons, you know.

And I guess to answer your question, what's one way that people can start feeling better about themselves?

Especially when you're in the topic of relationship, is so much of what you seek in a partner you actually can provide for yourself?

We think that so much of what we want exists in someone else outside of ourselves and that's just simply not true.

Yes, companionship is something that you get in a relationship.

There's so many things that, true, you can only get in a relationship, but there's many things that you can provide for yourself or that you can provide in other relationships as well.

You know, like this idea of feeling, you know, supported, feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling validated.

All these feelings can be provided by yourself and by your close knit group of friends.

You know, I think we are so scared to be lonely, but lonely is a feeling.

It's not a physical state, you know, like I've.

I.

The loneliest I've ever been, ever was when I was in a relationship with a very nice narcissistic person.

I was lonely.

And I think people don't unless they're in it and they're thinking, yeah, me too.

Oh my God, I know how that feels because I can't talk to anyone about it.

I feel like I'm isolated.

And then when I was single, I never felt lonely.

I lived alone and was single and I was surrounded by so much love.

So I think you've got to think I need to set my life up.

That what I'm searching for in a relationship, I can provide for myself most of it.

And then the relationship is going to be the icing on the cake.

Brilliant.

Alexis, this has been such a pleasure.

So much fun to talk to you.

I could talk to you all day, but I know, it's great chat.

Yeah, people can go and I mean, you're always welcome to come back, but do you fucking mind?

Is the name of the podcast you've got.

You've written three books in addition to.

So the there's the how to chase Change.

What are the two other books?

And then the two others is the Neuroscience of self Love.

And the first book that I ever wrote was Bebop Cold.

So that's just in general, just about confidence pretty much.

Oh, that'll be a winner with my audience.

I'll put all of the links in the show notes.

Been such a pleasure.

Thank you so much for your time.

Thank you so much for having me.

Crappy to Happy is created and produced by me, Cass Dunn.

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You can find the link on my website kastun.com thank you so much for being here and I cannot wait to catch you next week for another fabulous episode of Crappy to Happy.