Almost every Catholic husband I've talked to wrestles with this one: you want more intimacy, she seems content with less, and you're stuck wondering if this is just the way it's going to be. I get it. I hear it all the time.

In this episode, I'll share why compromise is actually the enemy of a thriving intimate life, what's really going on beneath the surface for both the higher-desire and lower-desire spouse (some of these might surprise you), and a powerful insight from St. Dominic that completely reframes the conversation. You have more agency here than you think.

Grab a cup of coffee and let's talk about it.

🎯 Free 4-Day Challenge for Catholic Husbands: "Dealing with Differences in Desire" — March 9–12. Replays available through March 20. www.canafeast.com/desire

____________

Free Challenge: Dealing with Differences in Desire — March 9-12

Struggling with differences in sexual desire in your marriage? You're not alone. Join Nathan Bartel and a brotherhood of Catholic husbands for a free, 4-day live challenge: Dealing with Differences in Desire. March 9-12, 6 PM Pacific / 9 PM Eastern. Walk away with practical, faith-rooted tools for real intimacy, deeper communication, and mutual desire. 100% free. No credit card required.

>>Register for Differences in Desires

-------------------------------

🔥 Download my FREE guide for Catholic Husbands: 3 Secrets to Becoming the Lover of Her Dreams

Learn the 2 most common reasons wives don't enjoy sex, and what to do about it!

>>> Get it here: https://canafeast.com/holydesires-3secrets

Today I want to talk about how to navigate different levels of desire between a husband and a wife.

Now, this is such a common issue, I might even say it's darn near universal.

Every couple that I have talked to has some level of difference in this area.

So this is if you're feeling like, you know, everybody else has this figured out and it's just you.

It's not just you.

This is super, super common.

And it can also change from season to season in your marriage, right?

I mean, think of the course of a marriage.

Hopefully, God willing, you've got 30, 40, 50 years together.

Newlywed is going to look very different from raising young children, which is going to look different from raising high school age children, which is going to look very different from retired and empty nest, right?

All of these different seasons of life and seasons of your marriage will inevitably play out and, you know, have a difference in your sex life, right?

Including differences in desires between the two of you.

Now, in my course, Holy Desires, I work with husbands to help them create a passionate and mutually satisfying life of intimacy in their marriages.

There are a few themes and challenges that come up over and over and over again.

And this differences in desires, difference in libido is probably one of the most common challenges that we talk about.

Let me read a couple things from Catholic husbands that they have shared with me about this issue.

One husband observes, quote, I often have to initiate and we are stuck in the same routine most of the time, right?

Initiation is certainly a big part of the equation.

And you can hear in that quote a kind of, at least I can hear a bit of resignation, a bit of sadness, right?

He wants something more.

Often husbands I work with feel like they are doing most of the work in their intimate lives.

Many of them feel like their wives are passive and they wish that their wives would be more involved.

I'm going to discuss some of these dynamics more, but first I want to share a couple more quotes from other husbands about how this mismatch and desire affects them.

One says, I have grown accustomed to feeling rejected by my wife.

Another agrees, I would like to get to a place where I do not feel this personal rejection from my wife.

Have confidence in our sexual relationship, and we live our sexual relationship as joyful and unitive and not as negative.

Both of these start to point something deeper.

See, this is not just about the sex.

It's about much more.

It's about deeper love.

It's about connection, it's about desire that sex both represents and fulfills, right?

Sex should be the deepest Physical expression of our love and unity and desire that we have for each other.

And if it's not reflecting that, if sex is not built on that foundation of deep mutual love, respect, desire that it is intended to represent and to express, then it can start to feel hollow, right?

Like that first quote, we're stuck in a routine.

If we want any kind of authentic breakthroughs in this area of libido and mismatch and desire, we.

We've got to start digging deep and getting below the surface.

Because if we stay at the surface, it's basically going to come down to just a compromise, right?

And in this area, compromise will leave everyone unhappy.

If you as a husband would love to have sex two or three times a week, say, and your wife will endure sex just once a month, and you compromise, you're not making anyone happy if you stay just there.

You're just looking at the exterior facts of frequency, right?

And you're not going to be happy because you're not as fulfilled as you wish you were.

And she's not going to be happy because now this sets an expectation for her.

And honestly, sex can start to feel like a chore for many women, and that is not what we want, right?

As a husband, I don't want my wife to feel like making love to me is a chore.

I want.

What I want is for her to desire me, to want to want me as her husband, to reach out for me.

That's.

That's what I desire most, not just, you know, a base frequency.

And I think that I'm speaking for most men when I say that, the good ones, anyway.

We're all good men here, right?

We're all good Catholic men who want our lives to flourish, and we want our marriages to flourish and we want our sex lives to flourish.

So if we stay just looking at this, you know, level of frequency at the surface, we're not going to get anywhere.

And if we just try to compromise, we're not going to make a breakthrough.

And honestly, that's not a recipe for any sort of happiness or lasting success or joy.

So as those quotes suggest, this is not just about frequency.

It's about, as the last quote, so beautifully said.

Living our sexual relationship as joyful and unitive.

That's a great expression.

We should all make that our goal.

Living our sexual relationship as joyful and unitive.

That is a fantastic expression for what the goal, what our goals should be if we are investing in our intimate life and our sexual life with our wives.

So the first thing that I would Say, when discussing the topic of mismatched desire, mismatched libido is to get out of the mindset of counting or scoring frequency, that is, and get into the mindset of fostering that mutual joy, love, desire and unity.

That is really where we need to focus.

Okay, so that sounds great.

If we don't stay at the level of compromise and we need to go deeper, how do we do that?

What's next?

Like, where do we go from there?

Where we need to go is we need to start asking the question why this should be asked of both the high desire spouse and the low desire spouse.

And let me here pause for a moment and emphasize that it is not always the husband who is the higher desire spouse.

Sometimes the wife has the higher desire.

That situation can be just as difficult for a man because especially with the cultural messages that are out there these days, he can feel like he is not enough of a man for his wife, like he is a failure, he's failing her.

And that can be a real burden as well.

It can absolutely go both ways.

Now, statistically, I do that most common, most commonly, men have the higher desire and the higher libido, but it's not always that way.

But let's start asking why?

Okay, why does the low desire spouse experience that lower desire?

And we're getting beyond and deeper than just because, you know, that's just the way I am.

We're not going to be satisfied with those answers.

We're going to go deeper.

We're going to find some specific things.

So here's some plausible and common reasons why particular person might have a lower desire for sex.

Sex is not enjoyable.

If, if a, if something is not enjoyable, you're not going to desire it very much, right?

No pleasure, maybe there's no connection.

Remember I said earlier, and the church teaches, sex is the expression of our love and connection and unity.

If that connection, that love, that unity is lacking, is not being really felt, not being fostered, then that can seriously inhibit or lower the sexual desire.

Maybe sex is painful.

This is more, much more common for women than men.

And tragically, many women don't discuss this with their husbands.

But sex should not hurt.

If it is painful, there is help and you should get help, right?

But I mean, obviously if an activity is painful, you're not going to desire that activity, right?

Maybe there are unhelpful beliefs about sex, like coming from purity culture.

Many people grow up in very, very conservative Christian households where sex is just bad, it's dirty.

And that message is drilled into us From a very early age, for a couple of decades.

And then all of a sudden we're supposed to flip the switch.

And that can be really hard to go from sex is bad and dirty to sex is beautiful and good.

That's a very difficult mental flip to make.

Maybe there's some past trauma or abuse, which is tragically and shockingly common in our world.

And that can absolutely cause challenges for people who have experienced that, both men and women who have experienced that in their past.

And absolutely you can get help for working through that trauma and that abuse and finding healing from it.

And that healing can open up new levels of expression and new levels of sexual enjoyment.

Right?

But the healing has to come first.

And maybe there's just stress, life stress, maybe lack of sleep.

Now this can definitely affect, especially parents of young children.

I work with a lot of parents of young children and I myself have been a parent of young children for years and, and totally know that.

So when you're getting like two or three hours of sleep or maybe five or six hours of sleep, highly interrupted sleep, that can, you know, lack of sleep or stress can absolutely cause a significant lowering of libido.

Okay, so if, if the wife is lower libido, as a husband, how can you help with, with these things?

Some of them you can help with more directly than others if it's not enjoyable.

As a husband, you can learn how to make sex better for your wife.

There are skills to learn.

We go over this extensively in Holy Desires, but there are things that you can do.

We should give, we should serve.

We should be other centered in our marriage and in our sex life.

And that includes doing all that we can to bring pleasure and joy to our wives, even in sex, especially in sex, wholeheartedly support your wife or yourself if needed, in finding healing from past abuse or trauma in this area or in any area honestly of your life.

This is not just good for your sex life.

Okay?

So yes, this may in fact open up new vistas of, you know, receptivity and unity and pleasure and joy in your sex life.

But honestly, that's like the gravy, that's the frosting on the top.

What is really going to do is bring healing and wholeness to you or to your wife or to your marriage together.

And that's going to enable God's grace to work in you so much more effectively.

It's going to enable all aspects of your life to flourish, your sex life being one of them.

But you should absolutely do not hesitate to seek out healing and support and healing from past experience, Sarah runs her course called My Delight for Catholic Wives.

It's a great place to start.

She deals with all of these issues that affect so many women.

And men often aren't even fully aware that their wives are affected by these things.

But if your wife is, you know, whether it's my delight or other resources, definitely don't hesitate to encourage your wife to find healing.

If you are affected by some of these things, don't hesitate to seek out healing of your own.

And then, you know, life stress, lack of sleep.

Like I said, this affects a lot of people in various stages of life.

There may be a time when you just need to, as a couple or as an individual, really take a good hard look at your schedule and at your commitments, and you may need to scale back.

We've had to do this many, many times in our own lives, both and as a family, where we have decided that certain activities for our kids, they're just too much.

They're too much for us right now.

We're not thriving to enable this activity to continue.

And we had to pull our kids out of an activity.

And, you know, they were sad for a season, but everyone, the entire family was much happier after that was done because it enabled us all to thrive in a much.

In a much healthier way.

So it may come, you know, in various times and stages.

You may need to look at your schedule.

You may need to figure out how you can get help with your schedule if things are a little unequal, you know, at home, simply about how you can support family life a little bit better, maybe take over some of the chores, maybe help with some of the bedtime routines.

So many men do this already.

But, you know, maybe there's an opportunity for you personally to help in a particular way.

And.

And this all requires a lot of discussion with your.

With our wives about what would be most helpful, what would work for you, you know, all of that, all the practical things.

Okay, so those are some, you know, a glimpse of.

Of some of the reasons that a lower desire spouse might actually be experiencing lower libido.

Some of these things we can address relatively quickly.

Some of these things require quite a journey, a journey of healing.

Right, to go on, or untangling unhelpful or toxic beliefs.

Now, we can do the same thing about high libido.

Let's ask why.

Why is the high libido spouse so.

Hi.

And I'm not judging, like, it's not bad to be a low libido.

It's not bad to be high libido.

But I am getting curious about why it is.

So why is it?

Well, here's a few common things that may be going on.

Is sex being used as a coping mechanism?

This is surprisingly common, and I think it's more common for men, but it can absolutely be a coping mechanism for stress for other, you know, life stresses.

Right, Stress in general.

Or is sex being used as a shortcut for emotional connection?

Remember, you know, sex is the.

The deepest, most authentic expression of our love and connection and unity with our wives.

So sometimes we can mistake sex for the connection itself.

Sex reflects that connection, and it does, in fact, deepen that connection.

But there has to be a connection and a intimacy, an emotional intimacy, a spiritual intimacy that's there first in order for the sex to, you know, sort of deepen it.

And sometimes we can mistake having sex itself as the emotional connection.

And so we think, well, as long as we're having sex, we're good.

And that's not always true.

Sex can't be the glue for your marriage.

That's.

It's not what sex was designed for.

Your emotional connection, your spiritual connection, your unity, your love.

Those.

Those things are the glue, not to mention the grace of God that, you know, blesses.

All right?

That's the glue for your marriage.

Sex is a celebration of all of that, but it can't replace it.

And then here's another one, a really big one.

I want you to pay attention to this.

Why is the high libido spouse particularly high libido?

Are you guarding your heart and mind?

So what I mean by that, are you consuming content that is increasing or driving up your desire, whether it's YouTube videos or podcasts or Netflix series or.

Or whatever it is, Are you consuming content that is erotic or that is increasing your sexual responses and thereby increasing your sexual desire?

Are you consuming porn?

And if so, we've got to talk because I'm.

We're going to have a whole discussion about pornography in another.

In another chat.

But, you know, porn especially is.

Is sinful and wrong and horrible on so many levels.

But one of the things that it can do is it can drive up your libido, right?

And this puts your wife, if.

If this describes a dynamic that you find yourself in, whether it be porn or other content, you know, could be a Netflix series or a, you know, something online or YouTube videos or whatever, what have you.

Right?

Whatever that content is that is erotic for you or increases your sexual responses.

You're being sexually.

You know, you're sort of intentionally arousing yourself or putting yourself in front of content that makes you aroused.

And then you are needing to relieve that physical response with your wife.

And that is not a fair, that's not a fair thing to do to your wife.

And it's not that authentic expression of love, unity and other centered, you know, love that you should have as the foundation for your sexual relationship.

So if you are higher libido, what can you do to keep your desires under control?

As men, we are called to control our passions.

Actually, as humans, we are called to control our passions.

But I'm speaking to you husbands right now.

St. Dominic famously said, I love St. Dominic.

He said, a man who governs his passions is master of his world.

We must either command them or be enslaved by them.

Wow, I'm going to read that again.

It's so good.

A man who governs his passions is master of his world.

We must either command them or be enslaved by them.

So here's the overall message I want you to take away from this discussion and that is that you have more agency than you think.

We all have a tendency to sort of throw up our hands and think, well, that's just the way I am.

I'm just a high libido guy.

I just, you know, I love, I like sex and I love my wife and I want sex with my wife.

And that's just the way I am.

There may be some truth to that I'm not denying, but there's also a lot more going on beneath the surface.

And if we just simply throw up our hands and say, that's the way I am, with the subtext of my wife just has to deal with it, that is not the call of love.

That is not the call that we have from Christ to follow him and to follow him into the way of perfection.

Right?

The truth is that we're all on a journey in this life towards the perfection that we hope for in the life to come.

We aren't there yet.

None of us are perfect.

Every day we are called to make ourselves better than the day before.

And one of the ways that we can do that in our sexual relationship, if we find ourselves know, in this dynamic of being a higher libido spouse and our wives are lower libido or lower desire, we can, we can master our own passions.

And in doing that, we can at the same time seek to establish the foundation of our sexual relationship in that deep love connection, emotional connection, spiritual connection, so that when we do make love with our wives, it is on that foundation of love and respect and unity and so the sex becomes an authentic and joyful expression of that and deepening of that.

The vocation of marriage is a gift from God.

That, among other things, is our path to holiness.

We are meant to become better men by virtue of living our marriage as well.

And that includes our sexual relationships with our wives.

So I'm going to leave you with this question.

What can you do in your marriage and in your sex life to become a better man today than you were yesterday?

It's an exciting journey.

This is the journey that I walk with.

This is the journey that I take alongside Catholic husbands inside Holy Desires.

If you want to walk alongside other Catholic husbands in discovering how to navigate differences in desire and differences in libido with your wife.

Because there is so much more to say than I was able to talk about in, you know, these past 20 minutes, I'm offering a free four day challenge for Catholic husbands on exactly this topic.

We're going to dive deep into these reasons, some of which I talked about here, why we experience differences in desires with our wives.

You will come away with new perspectives, new ways to think about your relationship, hopefully a deeper empathy and compassion for your wives, for yourselves.

And most importantly, you'll come away with some very practical tools and tips that you can start to use right away to start to move the relationship that you have with your wife away from an antagonistic kind of compromise mentality and towards both of you working together to create a beautiful, passionate, mutual marriage and sex life.

The challenge goes from March 9th through 12th.

It will remain open to watch the replays.

Replays are available for all of our sessions.

Until then, if you are listening to these words, well, after that, come and check out all of my I hope to see you there.

Until next time.

God bless.