I was on the Doug Hinderer Show this week talking about physical intimacy from the husband's perspective. It was a great conversation. But a woman called in and shared something that's been weighing on me since. She said she avoids sex with her husband because it feels purely physical. I gave her an okay response, but I didn't go far enough. She deserved more. So I'm recording what I wish I would have told her.

First, I'll talk about the question of obligation. There are voices in the Catholic world that say it's sinful to turn down your spouse. That's just not true.

Second, I'll share why "it feels purely physical" is a really important clue. The Church's vision of sexuality is that it's a body language, a reflection of the love and connection you share as husband and wife. If that connection isn't there outside the bedroom, something important is missing.

I also talk about leading by example, building the bond first, and letting the physical intimacy flow from it more naturally. This whole conversation is really about one thing: your heart matters. Your experience matters. If something feels off, don't force your way through it. Pay attention to it. That feeling is pointing you toward healing, and healing is possible.

Grab a cup of coffee and let's talk about it.

🎙️ The original interview on the Doug Hinderer Show (Marriage Unhindered, Relevant Radio): https://relevantradio.com/2026/03/growing-together-in-marital-love/

I also mention my Holy Desires course: https://www.canafeast.com/holydesires

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🔥 Download my FREE guide for Catholic Husbands: 3 Secrets to Becoming the Lover of Her Dreams

Learn the 2 most common reasons wives don't enjoy sex, and what to do about it!

>>> Get it here: https://canafeast.com/holydesires-3secrets

Yesterday I had the honor of being interviewed on the Doug Hinderer Show.

He is a talk show host on Relevant Radio, Catholic radio station, and his program is called Marriage Unhindered.

He is a licensed therapist, and he works especially with marriages.

His radio show is all about marriage and relationships, and he had me on to talk about physical intimacy and sex in marriage, specifically from the husband's perspective.

So I was, you know, mostly addressing the husbands, though, of course, husbands and wives listen to the show, and it was a really fantastic discussion.

We covered a lot of great ground.

I'll include the link in the show notes here so that you can go and listen to that interview.

It was a full hour.

There's one part of it that I keep coming back to in my mind, and that was a response that I gave to a live caller who called into the show.

And I don't think that my response was as good as it should have been.

Here was.

I'm going to recap what her question was.

Basically, she explained that she is not happy with sex and her marriage.

She avoids it.

And one of the key things that she mentioned was that it feels just purely physical for her.

So my response was along the lines of, she should really look deep inside and, like, understand what the dynamics are that are causing her to feel, you know, this lack of desire or not be interested in physical intimacy with her husband.

That's fine.

But I didn't really go far enough with that response.

And I want to just acknowledge that it was really a bit of a failure on my part to not say a couple of things to this poor woman who is clearly, you know, struggling in this area of her life and of her marriage.

These are some of the things that I wish I would have said, and I'm recording them here.

And, you know, maybe the grace of God will put this response.

You know, maybe the woman who called will somehow find this podcast, or at least some of the people who listened to that radio show will also find this podcast and hear these responses.

So these are some of the things that I wish I would have told her and that she deserves to hear.

First, there is nothing in Catholic moral teaching that would impose a obligation or a requirement for her to be physically intimate to have sex with her husband on any given day.

She mentioned a common scripture passage, which is in First Corinthians, Chapter 7, where St. Paul says, don't deprive each other of yourselves.

Right?

He's talking about sex, but immediately following that, he says, but I say this by way of concession, not as A commandment.

And I mentioned that I misquoted the Scripture, but I mentioned that, that Paul does qualify, that it is not a commandment, that you don't withhold sex from each other in marriage.

He says it by way of concession.

And I just want to be really clear that there are some voices, even in the Catholic world, that will claim that it is sinful for a wife or a husband to decline their spouses.

And that is just not true.

It's completely antithetical to the whole vision of sexuality, which is a gift, which is an expression of love, of mutuality.

None of these things is compatible with the language of obligation requirement.

Think about our spiritual life.

God offers us.

He invites us into relationship with Him.

Does he compel us?

No, he does not.

Does he give us free will and respect our free will?

Yes, he does.

Is grace a free gift?

Yes.

Can we refuse it?

Yes, we can.

We just as God does not compel us in our relationship with him, so we cannot compel each other in our marital relationships.

Can we talk about the ideal in both cases?

Absolutely.

Absolutely we can.

And we should strive for that ideal.

We should keep that in the forefront and, you know, actively work to make that ideal the reality in our lives, both spiritually and in our marriages.

St. Paul, in the letter to the Ephesians, basically says this.

Husbands, love your wives.

As Christ loves the church.

How does he love the church?

With sacrificial love?

He doesn't compel us.

He invites us always, and he serves us, and he forgives us, and he shows mercy.

Those are the things which should be operative in our marriages as well.

And so there is absolutely no obligation or requirement in the realm of physical intimacy in our marriage.

So just to be super clear on that point, the second thing that I wish I would have emphasized or talked to her about, she mentioned that it felt purely physical for her.

And this is a real clue, because the Church's vision of sexuality is that it is a reflection of the love and the connection and the bond that we have in our marriage.

That connection, that love, that bond, that communion, the unity that we share comes first, and then sex is a reflection of it.

Prior in the episode or in the interview at the radio show, Doug and I had a pretty great conversation about body language and how sexuality is a body language.

And what is the message of that body language?

Well, it's the message of the wedding vows, isn't it?

I love you, I accept you.

Good times and bad, sickness and in health, you are the one for me exclusively.

I want only You, I want what is best for you.

All the things that we express in the wedding vows and that we commit to through the covenant of marriage, those are the messages that are sort of ratified, if you will, or restated physically through the body language of sex.

So here's the key.

I would pose some rhetorical questions to her or to anyone in this situation to reflect upon and think about.

How would you describe the quality of your marriage bond?

How is your marriage outside the bedroom?

Do you feel loved?

Do you feel connected?

Do you feel like you're on the same page?

Do you feel supported?

Do you feel respected?

Do you feel like you receive empathy from your spouse?

All of these things are so critical, and these are the things in marriage overall that need to be in place so that.

Let me say it this way, all of these things create the condition for a beautiful intimacy to be present in our marriage.

It's like a garden.

We're tending the garden, right?

All of these, the love, the connection, the mercy, the forgiveness, the communication being on the same page.

All those basic marriage things.

When the marriage is strong, the physical intimacy can be a beautiful reflection of that strong marriage.

So I would point her to reflect on how the quality of her marriage and how her marriage is overall.

And if she's feeling like it's just.

Just physical, maybe one of the things that's happening is that she's feeling a disconnect, a cognitive, you know, dissonance between the messages that she's saying in physical intimacy and the reality of her marriage.

So she's saying with her body, in sex, all the great messages.

I love you, I accept you.

I feel connected with you.

You know, we're one, we're unified, all of these great things.

But if the reality of the marriage is such that that doesn't ring true, that can really be a big challenge, right?

And we need to make those messages true.

We need to work on the marriage first, and then the physical intimacy can flow from it.

So I would.

I would have pointed her to think through the marriage and really encourage her to have some frank discussions.

Could be difficult discussions with her husband.

One of the things that I have learned is that in these situations where, you know, one or the other spouse is really feeling a challenge, a burden across, really feeling like there needs to be some change in the marriage, it can be very challenging to ask the other person to change because it feels like, hey, there's something wrong and it's your fault.

Go.

You need to go fix it, right?

And that's not going to go over well, and that's probably not what we want to say in the first place.

Maybe it is what we want to say, but we should say it with more love and more compassion and mercy, right?

So what is really helpful in these situations, and I'll end with this, is to lead by example, right?

Lead by example and invite the spouse into something that.

That you want to change.

In other words, you know, there's an expression, be the change you want to see.

It's actually not a terrible expression.

Lead with examples.

So, for example, this is Holy Desires podcast.

Men want a deeper, more fulfilling, more satisfying sexual relations in your marriage.

Lead by example.

Do the things that are going to bring that about in your marriage.

So lean into your marriage, lean into the bond, lean into the love, the connection, the mercy, the compassion with your wife and show, like, build up that relationship as a foundation.

Pray together, work on your spiritual communion together.

My wife and I run the Cana Feast ministry, so Holy Desires is one part of that.

We also have things for couples.

You can check out our little way of marriage.

It uses the spirituality of St Therese of doing great, small things with great love.

And we apply that to marriage.

Like, what are the small things you can do with great love that can really make a difference in your marriage in the connection that you have with your wife?

So check that out.

That's a free resource available@canofeast.com on our main website.

There are many, many other resources for marriages out there.

So lean into that, invite your wife into it, and start to cultivate even deeper, even more, the type of relationship, the type of marriage, the type of bond and unity such that the physical intimacy that you desire will naturally, more naturally flow from it.

Okay, speaking to sex specifically, you can again, lead by example.

So maybe look into the Holy Desires course that's actually open this week.

You can start learning, you know, very specific things about sex and learning the formation about human sexuality and a faithful vision of human sexuality grounded in the teaching of the church that almost nobody learns because it's.

It's not really offered.

It's.

You don't learn it in marriage prep.

You certainly don't learn it in CCD or catechism classes.

It's not taught in OCIA when you come into the church.

It's not taught really in very many marriage enrichment programs.

To be honest, this is a really big gap in the Catholic world.

And that is why Sarah has created her programming called My Delight for Catholic Wives.

And that is why I've created my programming, Holy Desires for Catholic Husbands.

Because we're trying to fill this gap.

So join us in those programs and learn some very, you know, practical, faithful, grounded formation on how to cultivate a beautiful sex life within your marriage.

There's a lot to it.

It can be very specific, but the formation is there.

We've created it for you.

So Holy Desires is.

Is actually open this week, but if you're interested, I would be super happy to welcome you into it.

If you have any questions, reach out to me.

But yeah, this discussion was really about providing a deeper and richer and honestly more empathetic response to that caller who called in yesterday.

And what I really wish that I had told her is that your heart matters, your experience matters, and it's important.

The fact that you've got this feeling that is causing you to turn away from physical unity with your husband, that's a really, really important clue that you should follow.

And it's pointing you to the fact that something in your marriage, something in your relationship, something in your sexual relationship, it's not right.

And so don't force your way through it.

Don't just push through, don't ignore it, don't push it to the side.

Really pay attention to it.

That's what I kind of meant when I was saying dig deep under the surface and really understand what's happening.

But, you know, I. I don't feel great because I didn't expect.

Expand on that as well as I did here and as well as I could have or should have there.

And I.

My fear is that I left her feeling like she was unheard and that maybe her experience was less important than her husband's experience.

And.

And that's not true.

Both spouses expense is equally critical.

Marriage is a union of two.

Two people in love.

And if one person is suffering, the marriage is suffering.

And so it's.

It's just really important to pay attention to these things, to take them as a signal to, you know, get curious and, and find the root problem and the issues and resolve them, because healing is possible.

That's what Christ offers us.

And there's lots of different ways to find that healing.

And, you know, the vision of sexuality is this beautiful, mutual, fulfilling, pleasurable, joyful celebration of the love that you share as husband and wife.

That is a real possibility and it can take some effort to get there, but it's so worth it.

So with that, I hope that that was helpful to anyone who is listening in.

I hope and pray that these messages reach the woman who called in yesterday.

And God bless you all.