Dear Listener, you know those couples who somehow manage to stay connected and loving no matter what? Life is full-on life-ing at them, and somehow they seem stronger because of it. How do they do it?

In this episode, we’ll explore one of the most powerful things you can do to build a relationship that thrives over the long haul: crafting your relationship's purpose and vision.

Lasting, intentional partnerships are built on a foundation sturdier than the transient love chemicals that flood your brain at the start of a relationship, or a shared love for [insert common interest here]. A relationship purpose and vision hold couples steady through sleepless nights, career stress, health scares, and all the curveballs life throws.

Whether you're single and dreaming about your future relationship or already in a relationship and want to align more deeply, this conversation is for you.

Your relationship purpose answers the question: Why are we together? It's the animating force beneath your partnership—something like "to help each other grow," "to heal together," or "to have each other's backs through life." Your relationship vision answers: Where are we headed? It's the picture of what you're creating together—how you want to raise kids, support each other's dreams, and show up when times get tough.

We share our own purpose and vision (including a sweet impromptu exercise imagining ourselves five years from now), offer prompts to help you craft yours, and explain why "love" and "kids" alone aren't enough to sustain a long-term partnership.

If you’re all in on creating a future-proofed relationship capable of joy over the long haul, this episode is for you.

Key Takeaways

00:00 Intro

01:45 Why craft a relationship purpose and vision?

11:55 How to create your relationship purpose

20:03 How to craft your relationship vision

34:54 How to use your relationship purpose and vision

Resources and links

Ep. 2 - What to look for in a long-term partner

Downloadable Guide: What to look for in a long-term partner

The PACT Institute (Stan Tatkin’s organization): Shared Purpose, Shared Vision, and Shared Principles of Governance (blog post)

We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love by Stan Tatkin (book)

Downloadable Guide: Crafting Your Relationship Purpose and Vision

Have a question or comment? Email us at podcast@relationshipcenter.com. We love hearing from you!

If you’d like to work with one of the talented clinicians on our team, go to relationshipcenter.com/apply-now to apply for a free 30-minute consultation.

To get a monthly email with our best content, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter.

If something in this episode touched you, will you share it with a friend? That helps us reach more sweet humans like you.

Lastly, we’d love it if you would leave us a rating and review wherever you listen to podcasts. And be sure to hit subscribe while you’re there so you never miss an episode!

The reason I know that we landed on the right purpose is that when I hear

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you talk about it, I fall more for you.

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Like I, my heart, like genuinely

feels warmer and bigger.

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Josh: Oh.

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Gonna make me cry.

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Jessica: are gonna make me cry.

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From the relationship Center, I'm

psychotherapist, couples counselor and

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dating coach, Jessica Engle, and this is

I Love You too, a show about how to create

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and sustain meaningful relationships.

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Josh: I'm dating and relationship

coach Josh Van Vliet.

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On today's episode, we're gonna

be talking about crafting your

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relationship, purpose, and vision.

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We're so happy you're here.

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And please remember that the show is

not a substitute for a relationship with

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a licensed mental health professional.

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Hello and welcome dear listener.

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Thanks for joining us for our

conversation about crafting your

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relationship, purpose and vision.

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And today we're gonna be talking both

to folks who are single as well as to

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folks who are partnered, because it's

absolutely relevant whether you're

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in a relationship or whether you're

seeking a long-term relationship.

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And, um, yeah, we're gonna dive in.

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Like why, why do we do this?

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Why talk about this, how to go

about creating it and how to use it.

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But before we do,

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Jessica: Before we do, if you love

our show, dear listener, will you

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please leave us a rating and review

in Apple Podcasts While you're there?

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Hit subscribe so you

never miss an episode.

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Okay.

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I'm so excited for this show.

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Josh: So, relationship,

purpose, and vision.

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Like, what do we mean by that?

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I'll just say briefly, we'll go into

a little bit more in a moment, but

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briefly, relationship purpose answers

the question, why are we together?

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Why are we doing this?

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And relationship vision answers the

question, what do we want together?

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Where are we headed?

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Jessica: I'm recalling that you

sent me your relationship vision.

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I don't know how far into our

relationship, like a few weeks maybe.

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Mm-hmm.

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Josh: Sounds right.

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Jessica: Sorry, which was a,

a major green flag for me.

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I'm curious to hear, like, how

did having that relationship

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vision shift things for you?

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Josh: Yeah, I think it was

a really helpful way to tune

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into what I was looking for.

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In a partnership for me, it was a thing

that evolved as I went through more

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dating and relationship experiences.

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I got clearer and clearer.

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So it was very much a living document.

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And this is what I would suggest

for everyone who is looking at this.

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This isn't like a one and done kind

of thing, but I think that will live

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and evolve with you as you grow.

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The more that I dated and had

relationships and that had highs

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and lows and goods and bads, I got

clearer and clear like this is what

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I really want in a partnership.

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This is what I'm really looking for.

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And then I was able to use

that as a compass for like,

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is that present here, right?

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Or are there signs that

this could be present here,

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Jessica: Mm-hmm.

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Josh: Or not?

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Jessica: And

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Josh: I think even more than

that, like that's good on, an

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intellectual level of like, am I

checking for what I'm looking for?

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I think even beyond that, to go a

little bit woowoo, there is just a

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way of like getting into the energy

of the partnership that I wanted.

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Jessica: mm-hmm.

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Josh: Articulating that vision

helped me do somewhat more

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experientially than just like.

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Well, I want this and I want

this and I want this, but like,

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oh no, there's an energy to the

relationship that I want to be in.

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Being really clear about my vision

helped me tune into that energy as

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well as both the like, kind of more

conscious, like, oh, there's this

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person's kind, this person's whatever,

but there's also this quality that

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I'm looking for in my relationship.

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Jessica: And when I hear energy, you know,

I tend to think nervous system state.

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Mm-hmm.

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And a shared nervous system state.

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Yeah.

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That two nervous systems are able to

synchronize, to create, in polyvagal

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theory, what would we call ventral vagal.

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Social connected, grounded, I, I'm

guessing that's the state you were looking

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for since that's one we share often.

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Josh: That's what we're

targeting for together, for sure.

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Jessica: Yeah.

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I love that.

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Josh: And so, you know, you can

imagine if you and your partner have

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different purposes or different visions

for your relationship, you are gonna

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end up in trouble someday, right?

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And it may not show up immediately.

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The love chemicals that we talk

about from time to time in this

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podcast are powerful, right?

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They can have us bond with somebody

very quickly, for better or worse.

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And we may not realize until we're

six months a year, maybe a couple

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years in, oh, we are wanting very

different things from this relationship.

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One of us is like, really here, for

work, work is really important and

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partnership is supposed to support

each other to do our best work.

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The other person is like,

I really want a family.

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Family comes first, and our work stuff

is wonderful, but that is secondary to

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the family that I wanna create together.

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And both of those are beautiful

visions for partnership or purposes

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for partnership, but they will

take you to very different places.

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And you can imagine the heartache, in

that relationship where you wake up

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one day and realize, oh, we're not.

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On the same page.

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We're really wanting different things

and it's very painful to have to

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separate and realize that far down

the line rather than earlier on, in

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your dating journey with somebody.

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Yes,

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Jessica: We work with couples

often who are pointed in

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different directions, so to speak.

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Something that I appreciate that Stan

Tatkin says is attachment is very sticky.

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And so when you really deeply attach

to someone, even if you're pointing

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in different directions, it can be

really, really hard to disengage.

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So having a vision, checking

it out from the beginning sets

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everybody up for more success.

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Josh: Yeah.

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And if you're in a partnership right now

and you're like, oh shoot, we haven't

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articulated our purpose and vision yet.

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All is well, you're in the right place.

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Jessica: Mm-hmm.

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Josh: Uh, and it is a beautiful thing

you can do together as a couple.

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What is most likely to happen is you'll

create something beautiful and you really

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have a deeper understanding of each

other and what you're here for together.

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You're gonna find deeper understanding

and deeper purpose, for what you're

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here to, to do together in your

partnership and what will help keep you

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together through the hard times

because I think this is the other

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piece about why this is so helpful.

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It's like, it's easy to be

together when times are easy.

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In the beginning when we're high

on dopamine and all the other

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chemicals, it's easy, right?

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But a relationship that is based on.

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Thoughts, feelings, physical attraction,

these things all come and go, right?

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Thoughts and feelings that if

you've practiced any kind of

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meditation, you know, you can

watch your thoughts come and go.

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You can watch your feelings come and go.

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They're transient.

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Physical attraction, right?

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Can come and go.

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Bodies change.

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Change how we experience.

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Desire can change in

long-term relationships.

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If you're only in it as long as

you feel hot for your partner.

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That's not very stable ground for a

long-term relationship to stand upon.

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And so, you think about it this

way, when things get hard, right?

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When, whether it's kids, death, disease,

work, stress, whatever, the stressors

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that are gonna come at you in life,

what is it that keeps you together?

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Why do you stay together

when things are hard?

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Jessica: together?

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Mm-hmm.

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Josh: And being clear about your

relationship purpose and your vision

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together gives you something to hold

onto through the most difficult times

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that you're gonna face as a couple.

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Jessica: I have a question.

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Josh: Yes, please.

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Jessica: We just went through

one of our hardest years, both

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as people and as a couple.

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Yes, we did.

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We.

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I had a baby and then moved

because we had a leak in our home.

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Mm-hmm.

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And I had a bunch of medical issues.

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Mm-hmm.

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And I'm just wondering how that

vision that you came into this

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relationship with, and I think also

the vision we co-created after that

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Josh: Yeah.

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Jessica: helped during that time.

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Josh: Well, I wonder if it's

helpful to share what our

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purpose for our relationship is.

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Growth.

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We are here to help each other grow.

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It may be a short thing, but

there's a lot of depth to that in

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the way that we hold it at least.

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And I imagine this is true for every

couple, that your purpose is something

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that you can dive into very deeply and

articulate in a lot of different ways.

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But for us, in the very challenging

moments of early parenthood and

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navigating, running our business together

and moving and, figuring out how to be

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parents, I know for me, a thing that

I came back to again and again was

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like, this is here to help us grow.

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And we are coming back into our

relationship and using what's happening

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in our lives right now to help each

other grow, to help each other,

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to learn what we're here to learn.

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Jessica: The reason I know that we landed

on the right purpose is that when I hear

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you talk about it, I fall more for you.

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Like I, my heart, like genuinely

feels warmer and bigger.

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Josh: Oh.

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Gonna make me cry.

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Jessica: are gonna make me cry.

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Josh: Um, yeah.

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And my vision, I can share a little bit

about, some of the aspects of my vision.

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One part of that was we are

resilient, creative, and

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compassionate when times are tough.

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And that was so important to me that.

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I would be part of a team, with

my partner where when stuff

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gets rough, it's like, okay.

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How do we be with this from what is most

important to us from our compassionate,

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resilient, creative, like big hearted

selves, not just from our hurts, our

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triggers, our wounds, the parts of

ourselves that are still healing, right?

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That also was a thing that I

came back to again and again.

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That is, this is an aspect

of our vision, I think.

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I think that's part of our shared vision.

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Jessica: Yes,

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Josh: it confidently.

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That's correct.

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But it's like, okay, even when I'm really

triggered, 'cause whatever stuff from

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my childhood's coming up right now, in

this moment, or I'm really sleep deprived

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and that makes me just have zero buffer

for, you know, things going wrong.

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I have something to come back to, like,

okay, I'm really angry, frustrated,

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cranky, tired, irritated right now.

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And what is more important to me?

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It is, growing together and being

compassionate and loving and creative

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with my partner while we are both

going through a nuts so moment.

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Jessica: Amen.

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And I like what you're saying there.

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I'm thinking about our avoidant

cuties out there who might be

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worried that setting a purpose

means setting themselves up to fail.

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Right, because that's a lofty thing, to be

creative and resilient and, compassionate.

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Josh: passionate

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Jessica: And what you're hiding

there is really important.

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It's not that we aren't

all the other things.

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Mm-hmm.

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Triggered and petty and, you know,

we've had to clean up a lot of

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masses in the last year and having

that vision of what to aim for

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calls us in to be our better selves.

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Even in the face of all those, foibles.

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Josh: It's not that we will do this

perfectly at all times, but rather,

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here's what we keep coming back to

when we fall down, that we get back up

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and go, okay, I'm, nevertheless, I'm

willing to be compassionate right now.

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I'm cranky as hell, but nevertheless,

I'm willing to come back and

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be creative and find a way to,

address this challenge together.

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So let's talk about how to come

at creating your relationship.

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Let's start with your

relationship purpose.

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We'll talk about relationship

vision in a moment.

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Jessica: purpose.

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Great.

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Josh: Okay.

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And remember, fundamentally

relationship purpose is answering

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the question, why are we together?

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Why are we doing this right?

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And, incidentally, a lot of the stuff

that I'll be sharing and we'll be

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talking about today comes from both

the work of, uh, Stan Takin, who you've

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probably heard us mention many times on

the show we're big fans of Stan's work.

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Uh, and also a dear friend and coach

of mine, Zo Tobi, who, ran a program

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for many years called Give Yourself to

Love, which is all about, supporting

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people to find, their partner.

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And so, coming back to relationship

purpose, why are we doing this?

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As Stan Says, I think very

appropriately, love isn't enough, right?

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Because we love each other is

not a relationship purpose.

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We have to have a shared reason for being.

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And so it, it could sound like you've

heard us say to help each other grow.

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It could be to help each

other survive and thrive.

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Stan loves the metaphor of being

in the foxhole together in life

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where you got each other's backs.

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You and your partner against

the world, uh, you know, to

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have each other's backs, right?

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That could be your relationship purpose.

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It could be to help each other heal,

help each other heal your pasts.

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To help each other be wiser

and more compassionate.

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Right?

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There's some reason that you two

are together, this is the animating

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force for your partnership.

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And really the way to get at this

is just stay with this question.

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Why are we together?

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And if you're single, you're

holding in your mind's eye, you

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and your partner in the future.

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When you've met your

partner, you're in it.

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Why are we together?

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And if you're in a partnership

together, you're answering that

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question, why are we together?

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And you might want to write a

little bit or reflect a little

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bit separately, and then come

together and discuss your answers.

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And I encourage you to sit with it, right?

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Don't just take necessarily

the first answer that comes up.

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It may be the first answer that

comes up that, that's fine,

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but stay with it long enough.

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That you can let your, your body mind

system, like, be with it, slow down a

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little bit with it to see what emerges.

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So for example, maybe the first answer

is like, I wanna be loved deeply.

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Beautiful.

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And take that a step further so that

it's about you and your partner, right?

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Something that you would both agree to.

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A, a purpose and vision need

to be a thing that are imagined

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and agreed upon together.

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So maybe you both wanna be loved deeply

and you wanna give the each other

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the experience of being loved deeply.

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Maybe you wanna help each other experience

a kind of deep, unwavering love that you

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didn't get in your family growing up.

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Beautiful.

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So you wanna get to that.

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Like, why are we doing this together?

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That is a thing for both of us.

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It's good for you, it's good for me.

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The thing that we both agree

on, and I love what you said

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earlier as just like a somatic,

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? Would I fall deeper and deeper

in love with my partner if I

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hear them talking about this?

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Jessica: mm-hmm.

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That's

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Josh: beautiful way of tuning

into, am I on the right track?

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Jessica: mm-hmm.

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I'm also hearing that you're

answering the question,

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For now, but also going forward versus

you're not answering this question in the

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more like practical, logical way of like.

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What has led us to be together.

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Josh: Right.

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Thank you.

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Yes.

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That's the great point.

310

Yes.

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Jessica: Like I could imagine some

people who are maybe more logical,

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more left brained being like, well, we

fell in love and then we got married

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and now we own a house together and

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Josh: we are logistically

and financially intertwined.

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Jessica: right.

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This is more of like a, a souls

calling if, if we wanna go.

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Woo.

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Again.

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Um, how is it that you are inspired.

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By your relationship might be

another way to think about it.

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Josh: That's a beautiful,

beautiful way of thinking about it.

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I love that.

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Yeah.

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It's like, why, why are

we together going forward?

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Right.

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Not logistically how did we arrive

here, but why, why stay together might

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be another way of putting it, right?

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Why, why won't we just go off

into, into space and find other

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people after a couple years?

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Yeah.

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There's something, there's some

reason that has you stay in it

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when it's the hardest to do.

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Right.

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It's like, why would you stay in

this relationship when it's the

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hardest to stay in this relationship?

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By which I don't mean like stay in a

relationship, that's bad, but, but when

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things are hard, what is the thing?

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What is the purpose?

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What is the reason that you keep

coming back to looking yes, this

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is why we are doing this together.

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Jessica: I remember that.

342

Stan says that kids is like.

343

It's an answer.

344

It's not the best answer.

345

Mm-hmm.

346

Josh: Yeah.

347

Jessica: What, do you have

a sense of why that is?

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Josh: Yeah, ideally your shared

reason for being is about the

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relationship and the two of you first.

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Jessica: Mm-hmm.

351

That,

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Josh: Because if the relationship

doesn't come first, if you guys go down,

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the kids go down to the whole family

system goes down, in order for, for

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kids and for family and the people in

your orbit to be nurtured, nourished

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by your relationship, by you too.

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You have to be steady and rock solid.

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And so having a purpose

that transcends kids will

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incidentally be good for the kids.

359

Right?

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And I'll just add to that if truly the

reason that you're together is kids.

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That's okay.

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And also once the kids leave home, you may

not have a reason to be together anymore.

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That's not a good or a bad thing.

364

That's just a thing that

you may want to consider.

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And that may be true, right?

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It may be, yes, we are doing this for

the kids, and then when the kids are

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gone, we won't be doing this anymore.

368

However, if you're

looking for a long-term.

369

Life partnership, relationship, a

relationship that's gonna last a long,

370

long time, something that transcends

kids, is gonna serve you much better.

371

Does that make sense?

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Jessica: Makes perfect sense.

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Thanks for going through that.

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Josh: Yeah.

375

Great question.

376

Any other questions about

purpose, relationship,

377

Jessica: Will you give

us some other examples?

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Josh: Sure.

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Yeah.

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Things like, I mean, I kinda mentioned

some of these already, but to help

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each other survive and thrive.

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Survive is a good one by

itself in some ways, right?

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Survive is a great place to start.

384

The world is rough.

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Having somebody in your corner,

you can help each other survive.

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Beautiful thing.

387

And also thriving.

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Like you could take it

a step further, right?

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How do we really help each

other thrive in our lives?

390

It might be to help each other,

heal heal our past traumas, to heal

391

from our childhoods, to help each

other have a corrective experience

392

of love, of, deep relationships.

393

It could be to help each other,

thrive in our work careers, to

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do our best work of our lives.

395

Like what a beautiful thing to have

somebody in your corner who is gonna

396

help you do the best work of your life.

397

so those are a few examples.

398

Does that help?

399

Jessica: that helps.

400

And the other one that comes

to my mind is, adventuring.

401

I see a lot of couples out there

or singles who are looking for

402

a partner who really want to

experience life to the fullest.

403

Josh: That's a beautiful point.

404

Any other examples you'd throw in there?

405

Jessica: I think some couples are very

service oriented, and I think some

406

couples are really invested in sort

of being a pillar in their community.

407

Mm.

408

And I think that kind of relates to,

I think for some couples there is a

409

spiritual element to their relationship.

410

They wanna experience God

through their relationship.

411

They wanna experience

non-duality, however they put it.

412

Right.

413

Yeah.

414

Josh: Yeah.

415

I love that.

416

I think it's a beautiful thing.

417

If the purpose of your relationship

is to be of service to your community.

418

Yeah,

419

Jessica: I mean, I certainly think our

purpose growth applies to us, but also

420

applies to how we are in our work.

421

Right?

422

We're helping others to grow.

423

Josh: Yeah, absolutely.

424

So that's, that's purpose.

425

Let's talk a little bit about,

relationship vision, which is,

426

if the purpose is why are we

together, why are we doing this?

427

Vision is where are we headed?

428

Where are we going together?

429

Are we pointing in the same direction?

430

Right?

431

And again, if you're not pointing

in the same direction, it's

432

gonna get hard real quickly.

433

So that is why this is very important.

434

And so examples of what this

could sound like, right?

435

It could be you have a vision

for raising kids together.

436

We wanna be raising the

best humans possible.

437

We wanna be raising, kind,

emotionally intelligent, generous,

438

creative, thoughtful kids, right?

439

It could be.

440

But like we were talking about earlier,

our relationship with a contribution

441

to our friends, family, and community

that we are contributing through

442

how we are in our relationship.

443

It could include things like, we're

on each other's team, supporting

444

each other to do all the cool

things we wanna do in the world.

445

It could include very explicit things.

446

Like, we wanna create a

family together, right?

447

It could include things like we

want to, live in a beautiful home

448

together where, we have a sense of

spaciousness and feel relaxed and

449

able to enjoy our time together.

450

There's not really a right or

wrong way to write your vision.

451

There are some things about how to

write a vision that may make it more

452

helpful or more impactful for you.

453

I'm gonna share a few tips, like what

makes a maybe more impactful vision?

454

And we're really focused number one, on

what you want versus what you don't want.

455

Jessica: Mm-hmm.

456

Josh: Right?

457

So rather than saying,

we don't fight much.

458

You might say, we're living in

a really, harmonious, household

459

together, and we use our conflict

to, grow and deepen our relationship.

460

it's also really helpful if your vision

is about what is most important to you

461

versus how it kind of needs to look.

462

Like if there's like, it's a

little bit less the like checkbox.

463

We talk about this also in our, what to

look for in a long-term partner episode

464

in our ideal mate inventory, right?

465

It's a little bit less the

kind of on the surface stuff.

466

Like I want my partner to be six feet tall

and in a job in tech and yada yada yada.

467

Right?

468

That's kind of how it might need to look

versus like, what's really important

469

is I wanna be with somebody who's kind.

470

Jessica: Yeah.

471

So if your vision includes things that

are like easily detectable within a

472

few minutes of looking at a profile or

talking to someone, you need to go deeper.

473

What's the trait underneath

that you're actually seeking?

474

By identifying these surface qualities.

475

Josh: Perfect.

476

Yeah, absolutely.

477

Jessica: And for those who are dating and

envisioning their future relationship,

478

they can't really check these things

out from their actual future partner.

479

So do they just assume that

it's something that they share?

480

Josh: Assume it's something that

your future partner will share,

481

and then when you have a partner,

you get to check it out with them.

482

Jessica: Yeah.

483

And I hear that the core of this

particular principle is speak in.

484

We,

485

Josh: I love that.

486

That's a great way of putting it.

487

The next thing that I, encourage

you as you're writing your vision

488

to do is put it in the present tense

489

Jessica: Mm.

490

So the future

491

Josh: tense.

492

Right.

493

So we love each other deeply versus

like, we will love each other deeply.

494

It just helps it bring it more

experiential, more like present

495

more this is what is so versus

someday I will experience this.

496

Jessica: Yeah.

497

And that makes me think about what

you were saying about kind of calling

498

in the energy, so to speak, and put

in different words, letting your

499

nervous system practice that state now.

500

Josh: Yeah, exactly.

501

Jessica: remind us, how do we

differentiate purpose from vision?

502

Because I heard in there an example

that was similar to one of the ones

503

that you shared in purpose or that

we talked about being of service.

504

Mm-hmm.

505

So tell us what's the shorthand for?

506

Like how these are different?

507

Josh: Yeah.

508

purpose.

509

Why are we together?

510

Vision, where are we headed?

511

And also, it's okay if

there's a little bit of bleed.

512

Jessica: Okay.

513

Josh: Okay?

514

Nothing bad will happen if you say,

something that sounds a little bit like

515

a purpose in your vision statement.

516

because really purpose, while

it might be a relatively short

517

statement, if it's on target for

you, there's a lot of depth to that.

518

Mm-hmm.

519

You could probably explore and expand

upon what your purpose means to you

520

and your partner for a long time.

521

Right.

522

And so your vision is going to have

elements of your purpose in it.

523

Undoubtedly.

524

It will just also speak to like,

where are we going together?

525

Right.

526

Jessica: Is there something in here

too about like the purpose is more

527

abstract and the vision is more concrete.

528

And what I mean by that is like

abstract is things like growth.

529

Growth is pretty abstract.

530

You can't take a picture of growth.

531

I mean, I guess you could take a

picture of a plant growing, but you

532

know, that's more in the realm of

thought versus like, we run a business

533

together that helps people grow.

534

Right?

535

That might be part of the vision.

536

which would be more concrete or specific.

537

Yeah,

538

Josh: yeah, I think it could be like,

it doesn't, I would say, it doesn't have

539

to be that it's always that distinct.

540

Mm-hmm.

541

Right?

542

Like, I think a totally valid part

of a vision might be, you know.

543

Jessica: you know,

544

Josh: like I was saying earlier, our

relationship is a contribution to

545

our friends, family, and community.

546

Mm-hmm.

547

that's not super concrete, right?

548

It's like we're not saying we,

you know, organize dinner parties

549

for friends and family every week.

550

you might include that as like

an example of how that might

551

look or if that's something

that's, really meaningful to you.

552

and it might be that's a little bit

too much specifying the specific

553

manifestation versus the underlying

thing that's important to you about it?

554

Jessica: Sure.

555

So for example,

556

Josh: Even, running a business together,

to help people grow that, I'm pausing a

557

little bit because I think for someone

who is dating, seeking a partner.

558

That might be a little too specific.

559

Sure.

560

Right.

561

Versus like, as you know, if the

two of us are creating that as

562

part of our vision right now.

563

Yeah, absolutely.

564

Totally.

565

We could totally,

566

Jessica: totally.

567

It's like, I think there's an interesting

kind of line to walk here because

568

state me docs online dating profiles

need to balance abstract with specific

569

Josh: For sure.

570

Jessica: But I think what

you're saying is really apt.

571

It's like if you're gonna be like, We

wear overalls on Tuesdays and have,

572

rainbow design crocs that go with them.

573

This is a very odd example I'm

giving you, versus like, we are

574

creative in how we express ourselves.

575

you know, we enjoy dressing up.

576

Josh: Yeah.

577

Jessica: There's quite a difference there.

578

Josh: Yeah, absolutely.

579

and I think there's a way, you know,

I think it's a great point, right?

580

in our date me doc writing and our

profile writing, being specific

581

and evocative in the way that we're

communicating is really, really important.

582

And.

583

I know in some of the work that I've

seen you do with clients and, some

584

of the various wonderful examples

of Date me docs that I've seen, they

585

find that balance of like, here's some

examples of how we might be together

586

that help paint the picture, that

point to what's underlyingly important.

587

What isn't like don't apply if

you know, you don't wear, overalls

588

on Tuesdays with Rainbow Crocs.

589

Yes.

590

Jessica: Uh,

591

Josh: So there is like a little

bit of a nuanced line to walk there

592

between painting the picture of what

life might be like together, right?

593

That points back to our underlying

values and what's important , without

594

excluding people who don't fit the

specifics, but maybe fit the thing that

595

is important underneath the specifics,

596

Jessica: That makes sense.

597

And if you're in a relationship,

you can get super specific.

598

Josh: absolutely can, right?

599

'cause then you're agreeing

on the thing together.

600

It's like, yeah, we wanna

go to Spain next year.

601

That's part of our vision and

that is us living the adventurous

602

life that we wanna live rock on.

603

Jessica: Beautiful.

604

Absolutely.

605

Josh: So let's talk a little

bit about how to create it.

606

Jessica: wait, I have another question.

607

Great.

608

Will you be offering us a free

resource so that people can

609

Josh: be guided

610

Jessica: through this process?

611

Josh: I'm so glad you asked Jessica, why?

612

Yes, yes.

613

I will be.

614

Uh, yeah.

615

We're gonna have a free download that

you can use for going through and

616

crafting your relationship purpose and

vision, whether solo or in a partnership.

617

I'm so excited.

618

Jessica: I'm so excited for that.

619

Josh: Uh, yeah, and I think that'll be

very helpful because I know it's hard

620

to kind of take in some of the stuff, at

least for me as a more visual learner.

621

It's hard for me to like listen to a

podcast and then go through the exercise.

622

Some people are great at that.

623

But I wanna give you the overview of

how you might go about doing this, and

624

then you can dig into the download if

you're, excited to go further with it.

625

Essentially what we're doing is

envisioning our relationship vision.

626

We're imagining how we would love

it to be like, where are we headed?

627

and start with picturing yourself

a few years in the future.

628

Could be five years, could be 10

years, somewhere down the line,

629

living a life that you truly love

630

I recommend you do this in a

relaxing, spacious context for you.

631

Don't try to fit this in between

meetings in 10 minutes, right?

632

Like take, it doesn't have to be

long, but take 30 minutes or take

633

a little time to take a breath.

634

Put on some music that you like

that helps you feel relaxed.

635

when you don't have anything else

to do right now, help you get into

636

that nervous system state that

ventral vagal, like well-regulated.

637

Space where you can be more

creative, and envision future

638

possibilities what you'd love.

639

Jessica: I have a drama therapy exercise.

640

We can.

641

do at some point along those lines

642

Josh: Ooh, great.

643

Like on the podcast right now, right?

644

Jessica: Like right now?

645

Yeah.

646

Let's do it right now.

647

Do you wanna do it right

648

Josh: Let's do it right now.

649

Jessica: Okay.

650

So this is just a future self, exercise.

651

We're gonna imagine we are what,

three, five years in the future?

652

Sure.

653

And we're in a location that we love and

we feel so relaxed in what place is that?

654

Josh: Uh,

655

probably lan.

656

Jessica: Yes.

657

Oh, that makes me so happy.

658

Um, and we're sitting

looking at the ocean.

659

Absolutely.

660

And we've got our bu uh, chai lattes.

661

Mm-hmm.

662

And we're talking about our lives mm-hmm.

663

And how much we love them and all the

things that are happening that we love.

664

Josh: Exactly.

665

Jessica: so I'm gonna call

action and we're just gonna.

666

Talk away.

667

Josh: Okay, great.

668

Jessica: Action.

669

Hmm.

670

Josh: hmm.

671

Jessica: It's so lovely being here.

672

I love that we come here once a year.

673

Josh: it.

674

It's such a beautiful, retreat

and time away for just us.

675

Mm-hmm.

676

Jessica: mm-hmm.

677

I'm

678

Josh: so grateful.

679

We have incredible loved ones who help us

take care of our kiddo so that we can go

680

on vacation and have time away for just us

to nurture ourselves and our relationship.

681

Jessica: it's such a gift and

you know, also our team is really

682

thriving and they can really handle

us being away for short periods.

683

Josh: Yeah, absolutely.

684

Absolutely.

685

And I love that we've set up our

team and our work life in a way that.

686

Gives us enough time to both be with our

kiddo and be with each other, just, just

687

to nurture all the parts of our lives.

688

It feels like our community, our

friends, our relationship, our

689

kiddo, we get to be with all of it.

690

Uh, there's not a a shortage

of of time right now.

691

Jessica: Good, and let's call scene there.

692

We could keep going.

693

but that's something that you, dear

listener and your partner or you within

694

yourself can do is imagine having

that conversation five years in the

695

future or really pretend to have it.

696

Josh: Absolutely, you can, if you're

doing it by yourself, you can just,

697

like turn on a voice memo and record

yourself as you're just talking out loud,

698

if you'd like, if that's your style.

699

Or you can write in your journal.

700

Um, yeah, and I'll, I'll throw in

a few other questions that you can

701

reflect on what's come to pass that

you didn't even think was possible.

702

What are you grateful for?

703

Looking back on this journey

of partnership, what kinds of

704

cherished memories have you

created and experienced together?

705

How have you supported and cared

for each other as equal partners?

706

How about the hard times?

707

How did you get through those together?

708

Like, how did they help you grow?

709

you don't need to answer all those

questions, but you can, go to

710

any of those that you feel called

to, to help expand and elaborate

711

and deepen, your vision here.

712

Jessica: I'm curious from our

exercise, did anything surprise you?

713

Josh: No, no.

714

I got, I gotta say it, didn't it?

715

That's just like, yep.

716

That is, that was like what we want.

717

Jessica: Yep.

718

we we're talking about vision often.

719

Josh: it's not an infrequent

topic of conversation for us.

720

Jessica: I wasn't necessarily surprised,

I guess I was a little surprised,

721

but I was, I was delighted about the

idea of being an sel n once year.

722

Yeah.

723

And it like gave my nervous system

a nice exhalation of like, oh yeah,

724

we're gonna carve out that time.

725

Yeah.

726

Josh: Yeah.

727

I love that.

728

Love that.

729

beautiful.

730

Yeah.

731

Anything you wanna say about

crafting your shared vision?

732

I, maybe I'll just add here, right?

733

If you're doing this as a couple,

you, you might take some time first

734

to write and dream on your own.

735

You might do that exercise together.

736

Absolutely.

737

both are valid.

738

You can decide what you wanna do,

what works for you well as a couple.

739

And then of course, what you're doing

as you're coming together is finding

740

the vision that speaks to both of

your hearts that you both agree to.

741

That is what you can both say.

742

Yes, I'm a hundred

percent on board for this.

743

And so that might involve some

negotiation that might involve

744

some conversation about what really

belongs in there and what doesn't.

745

if you need support with that,

you can always, reach out

746

to a trusted professional.

747

You can reach out to our team, your

own couples, therapist, whoever

748

it might be to help you navigate

that if you need some support.

749

But ultimately what you're going

for is a purpose and vision that you

750

both, helped create and agree to.

751

Jessica: Yeah, and I think we gave you

an example of we are pretty aligned

752

on our vision, and I wanna just

normalize that some couples aren't.

753

100% aligned on their

visions, that is normal.

754

I think that negotiation

is the word, of the day.

755

Then, you know, relationships thrive

when negotiation skills are, honed.

756

Josh: Mm-hmm.

757

Jessica: So just know that if you or

visions seem to clash a little bit,

758

there's a way to work through that,

759

Josh: Yeah, absolutely.

760

Jessica: Once you have this

vision, where does it go?

761

And part of the reason I'm asking that

is because I'm doing a lot of work with

762

clients around their date, me docs, and.

763

There is a section for, the relationship

in these state me docs and also

764

online dating profiles, of course.

765

Mm.

766

Uh, and so I often encourage

them once they've crafted

767

their vision to put it there.

768

Josh: vision.

769

Yeah.

770

I think that's a great place to put it.

771

I would just say.

772

Jessica: there

773

Josh: There may be elements of your vision

that maybe feel too personal to put in a

774

Date me doc, or in a online dating profile

, that you may want to edit a little bit.

775

Right?

776

Here are the pieces that I feel

comfortable sharing and there's maybe

777

some pieces I wanna share a little

bit down the road once I get to

778

know somebody a little bit better.

779

But I think that's a

beautiful place, right?

780

There's some version of your

relationship vision that absolutely

781

belongs in your Date Me doc.

782

Jessica: I also, to go back to the

online dating piece, I believe that

783

I linked to an article about secure

functioning relationships in my profile.

784

Josh: Yes you did.

785

Jessica: basically said, if this is

what you're looking for, swipe right.

786

And you swiped right.

787

Josh: I did.

788

I loved it.

789

I was like, oh, damn.

790

Yes.

791

This is what I want.

792

Absolutely.

793

Yeah.

794

I didn't have, at that point

in my life, I didn't have the

795

words for secure functioning.

796

So to see that someone had articulated

it so clearly what I was trying

797

to find on vibes, was great,

that was a big green flag for me.

798

Jessica: It was a great filter for me.

799

Josh: Yeah, that makes sense.

800

in addition to putting some version

of it in your online dating profile,

801

your Date, me Doc, and other places

that you're putting yourself out there,

802

you might also just spend some

time with it yourself to get

803

connected with your vision, get,

get it very present in your being.

804

So just look at it once a day

for a week, for a few minutes.

805

You might also ask yourself, what

would someone with my vision do today?

806

And use that to guide how you're

engaging with your dating process.

807

As you start to date someone, you

might share your vision, share your

808

relationship purpose, discuss it together,

see are we on the same page about this?

809

Is this something that we

are both excited about?

810

Or is there a purpose and a

relationship vision that we're

811

both really excited about together?

812

If you're a couple, you probably wanna

have this somewhere, that you guys

813

can come back and reference it, right?

814

Whether that's like you have a shared,

Google Doc, you know, as simple as that.

815

It could be, it could

be something that you.

816

Put in your bedroom, you post up in

your bedroom some version of this where

817

you can see it on a regular basis,

some place where you know where it is.

818

You can come back to it, you

can reference it, you can remind

819

yourselves of it, in hard moments.

820

Jessica: Yes, we have a notion,

space, all for ourselves with a lot

821

of these things located in them.

822

Josh: Exactly.

823

And then, once you've got this, there is

a further step that we're not gonna really

824

get into today, but it's all about shared

principles of governance, which is a fancy

825

way of saying some shared agreements.

826

What are we doing together?

827

What can we do?

828

What can we not do?

829

These are our guardrails, our limitations,

what are we each saying yes to?

830

To help govern each other and ourselves

in our relationship so that we are

831

taking good care of each other.

832

This is a thing that Stan

Takin talks a lot about.

833

We love it.

834

I think it's very valuable.

835

we have them in our own relationship.

836

Found 'em very, very helpful to help us

course correct when one one of us goes

837

off the rails a little bit, be like,

oh yeah, this is what we agreed to.

838

Great.

839

I can come back to this because we've

agreed to it very explicitly rather

840

than like, well, I expected you to do

this thing for me and you didn't do it.

841

Now I'm mad.

842

But then you never had a

shared agreement about it.

843

Right.

844

Jessica: Explicit shared agreements

reduce resentment and conflict.

845

Josh: Yeah.

846

so just very briefly, they

can sound like we protect each

847

other in public and private.

848

we tend to each other's hurts quickly.

849

we come to each other

first with important news.

850

Et cetera.

851

We won't go into it, but

we'll link to some resources.

852

Will we, do we have

resources we can link to?

853

Sure.

854

Great.

855

Like, oh, the resources I have

are like inside a training module

856

that is not publically available.

857

A uh,

858

Jessica: a uh, a brief funny story.

859

From the beginning of our relationship,

we had just become committed partners and

860

we were gonna work on our agreements and.

861

I believe you had picked up a Stan Takin

book and I saw it and it was, his book.

862

We do,

863

do you remember this?

864

Oh, I do.

865

And I was like, reading.

866

We do.

867

Huh?

868

And, you know, I'm over here.

869

I'm like, my whole thing is

pacing, so I'm, I'm, I'm actually

870

not worried because he looks.

871

Really nervous about me even

knowing this, and I can tell it's,

872

it's just a funny interaction.

873

And you were basically like,

well, it's the one that has

874

stuff about agreements in it.

875

Josh: Don't read into this.

876

Uh oh no.

877

Jessica: uh, it was very endearing.

878

Josh: but yes, we, one of the

things we did, after we agreed

879

to be exclusive partners was

to craft our shared agreements.

880

Jessica: Mm-hmm.

881

Josh: Which was awesome.

882

I loved it.

883

Jessica: Yeah.

884

Josh: So yes, we will link to, some Stan

Tack and resources around agreements,

885

shared principles of governance.

886

cool.

887

I think we've covered it.

888

I think so too.

889

Anything else you wanna say about

relationship, purpose, or vision?

890

Jessica: I mean, I would just add

something that may be self-evident,

891

which is these are great

things to revisit periodically.

892

You know, when we are going on

our yearly lin retreat, that's

893

probably when we'll revisit them.

894

Mm-hmm.

895

So having some sort of ritual around

coming back to them, making sure

896

they feel as up to date as possible.

897

Josh: Love that.

898

Well said.

899

Well, that's all for today.

900

You can find the show notes with links

to all the resources we mentioned in

901

this episode@relationshipcenter.com

902

slash podcast.

903

Jessica: and if you have a

question or comment, email us at

904

podcast@relationshipcenter.com.

905

We love hearing from you.

906

Josh: If you'd like to work with one

of the talented clinicians on our team,

907

Jessica: including Josh,

908

Josh: go to relationship center.com

909

to apply for a free 30

minute consultation.

910

Jessica: You can also sign up

for a monthly email of our best

911

content@relationshipcenter.com

912

slash newsletter.

913

Josh: and if something in this

episode touch you, will you share

914

it with a friend that helps us

reach more sweet humans like you.

915

Jessica: Lastly, we'd love it if you

would leave us a rating and review

916

wherever you listen to podcasts and

be sure to hit subscribe while you're

917

there, so you never miss an episode

918

Josh: Until next time, we love you

919

Jessica: too.

920

Josh: Bye

921

Jessica: Bye.

922

Josh: Go write your

relationship purpose and vision.

923

Jessica: Do it.

924

Josh: Do it.

925

Do it.

926

Be intentional in your relationships.

927

Jessica: Be like,

928

Josh: Josh is

929

Jessica: so great.

930

Josh is so great.

931

Josh is so great.

932

He is so great.

933

Josh: It's very charming.

934

Jessica: I'm glad you think so.