In this episode, Krista and Dr. Will Van Derveer announce a new series focusing on creating equitable partnerships. They discuss taking a brief break until mid-January 2025 and announce updated "Top 10 Agreements" available on their website. The episode emphasizes their commitment to exploring power dynamics, fairness, and mutual success in relationships, particularly from their perspective as a heterosexual couple. They share questions for the listeners to reflect on regarding equity in their own relationships during the holiday break.
“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer
(0:00) - The importance of conscious conversations about equity in partnerships
(3:11) - Will discusses the historical context of power dynamics in relationships and their commitment to fairness
(4:19) - Why chose to pursue an equitable partnership despite social norms
(5:24) - Podcast break explanation and plans to return mid-January 2025
(7:21) - Reflection questions for listeners about equity in their relationships
(8:43) - The importance of honest self-reflection in partnerships
(10:05) - Discussion of year-end review and goal assessment
(10:47) - Closing remarks and holiday wishes
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The more that we can actually become conscious of these ways and then have the conversation with our partner. I think we start to really make a big difference in our partnership. And as we stand for an equitable world, and as we stand for the rights of minorities, to me, it's like, let's start in our homes and really build strength there and courage there. And if we can be doing it really, authentically and courageously at home with a partner who's willing, then we have so much more support to be doing that out in the world as well. Welcome to the Art of we podcast.
My name is Krista Van Derveer, and I'm here with my beautiful, gorgeous, hot husband, will Van Derveer, and we are so excited to be with you today. I first want to mention that we have a updated, a newly updated, our top 10 agreements for people who are interested in really developing called out explicit agreements for their partnership that will help them create the kind of partnership that can thrive in the ways that will, and I have learned and they're kind of unusual. I would think some of them are common sense, but not common practice, but you can find that at Krista van derveer.com and today we have some exciting news.
Will: Are you having a baby?
Krisat: Well, kind of, I mean, we're kind of in we're just gestating. Is that the right word? Yeah, gestating. We're gestating because we're actually really excited to announce a new series of episodes that's going to be focusing on something very specific. And at the heart of it. I believe we've been talking about it. We've been doing it already, but this is even more called out and more explicit, which is all about creating the kind of partnership that is truly equitable, as as close to equitable as we can get, truly mutual. And I feel so grateful to be in partnership with you Will because you're so willing to go into the areas where there's a lot of unconsciousness, a lot of subconsciousness, where we're behaving and acting in ways that we are culturally indoctrinated around gender, power dynamics, roles that don't actually feel good to us. And I couldn't be more grateful to have a partner like you who's willing with me to go in, look at the shadow, look at the dark stuff, address the really hard and challenging moments that come up that is not coming from a place of equity or mutuality inside of our partnership.
So our next several episodes will be focused around sharing at even deeper levels, how we are learning ourselves to address these very challenging areas and what we get faced with where we get stuck, we will also be having people joining us who have some perspectives and views that I think can help all of us as we climb out of a culture that tends to want to promote more inequitable partnerships. What would you add to that, Will?
Dr. Will Van Derveer 3:11
ot much has changed since the:
Krista Van Derveer 4:19
Right when you as a white male in America specifically, could be doing something very different if you wanted to, and you had a partner who was willing to do that kind of partnership with you. It's not uncommon that people are willing to be inside of an inequitable, unconscious, subconscious kind of dynamic partnership that you could have a lot more power over if you were to choose to have that. So we'll get into our own reasons in probably one of the first episodes that we start with this new theme about why we're so committed to this as a couple. And I really look forward to hearing what you're going to share there with us.
Dr. Will Van Derveer 4:57
Well I’m excited to share more, and you know, in the meantime, before. Talk more about what you know, what are the bullet points and sub bullet points underneath that commitment that we practice every day, and we don't have this figured out, it's a continual practice. It's a lifelong practice. And I think we've said that before in previous episodes, that our commitments are our practices, that you keep learning and growing in. So do you want to speak about why we've had a gap for the first time in two years of publishing episodes once a week.
Krista Van Derveer 5:24
out mid January, back up when:
Dr. Will Van Derveer 6:54
Yeah, “we can do more than I can,” and there's a lot to unpack inside of that very pithy statement.
Krista Van Derveer 7:01
So before we go our own ways for about four weeks, we want to leave you with some things to chew on in the meantime. If this conversation is interesting to you, Well, what do you think are some ideas that people could be considering in the meantime about their own relationship or relationships.
Dr. Will Van Derveer 7:21
And to contextualize our personal experience has been heterosexual partnership. So we are speaking from that perspective. And so I'm bringing that up now, because the question I want to invite people to consider is, inside of your relationship that you're in, or if you're not in one prior relationships, if you've been in one, what has been your approach to fairness, equity, standing for one another's success, and if you have a desire to have equality in your partnership, where are you avoiding difficult conversations, or what parts of Your relationship, need a tune up, or need a conversation about how unconsciously or consciously you're living with your partner, if you claim to care about fairness in your relationship, are you walking the walk you know? Are there? Are there places where you maybe are making concessions or not living into your fullest expression or silently feeling resentful toward your relationship or your partner for holding you back, or something like that. So these are difficult questions to ponder, but they can be very enriching if you have the courage and the agreements with your partner to bring whatever is coming up for you and your partner into the relationship and not have anything be a sacred cow or something that you're not allowed to talk about.
Krista Van Derveer 8:43
I love those questions. I love the invitation. I know for myself, if I don't literally stop and take a pen and paper and really actually think about these types of questions, I can get stuck in the day to day hamster wheel of life, where I might think I'm feeling fully empowered or a sense of equity inside of our partnership, or I make concessions, or I make excuses, but then when I sit down, and I take a pen and paper, and if I'm really honest with myself, there's always places where I can find that I'm not having a conversation with you and maybe rationalizing internally, and I would say that the same happens for you in different ways. And so the more that we can actually become conscious of these ways and then have the conversation with our partner, I think we start to really make a big difference in our partnership, and as we stand for an equitable world, and as we stand for the rights of minorities, to me, it's like, let's start in our homes and really build strength there and courage there. And if we can be doing it really, authentically and courageously at. Home with a partner who's willing, then we have so much more support to be doing that out in the world as well.
Dr. Will Van Derveer:
For sure, and we traditionally like to take this time of year and the shortest days and the most darkness longest nights, to review our year and look at where we met our goals, and look at where we where we fell short, whether those goals are concrete, like financial goals, or days in the gym goals, or measurable goals that are clear and crisp, or whether there are emotional goals that maybe aren't quite as easy to measure. So we invite you to join us in this break and really look at how are you doing? How are you showing up? Where do you need to bring more of your game to the table with your partner?
Krista Van Derveer:
I love that. And again, if you want to download our newly updated Top 10 relationship agreements, those could be something fun to have a conversation with your partner about. Do we want to include these in our relationship explicitly? Do we not? Might give you some ideas for other things you want to include. You can find that at Krista van derveer.com and we hope that you have a really, really, really amazing and beautiful holiday season. A great start to 2025 and we'll be so excited to be back with you in mid January. See you soon. Happy holidays.
