Ep 123 Safiya Omosanya and Andi

And we can start, finding out some of these ways that you may not have heard of before. So I will let Safiya though, introduce herself and you have three kids yourself, so that's already a big feat. So I'll let you tell us about what it is that you do and how you help kids. Okay. So I'm Safiya Omosanya, and I am an occupational therapist.

I'm one of the OTs that is there, that's like diving into mental health stuff. In 2012, I was trained in EFT Emotional Freedom Techniques. It's becoming more popular now. When I learned it in 2012, it wasn't as popular, but it is becoming much more popular now. I'm just curious, have you heard of EFT emotional freedom techniques?

I have as I have. Definitely. And that's one thing I did wanna dive into with you today, so occupational therapy. And then you've learned through, you've started getting into the traumas and stuff with kids.

So basically whatever is in the way of a person living their fullest life, occupational therapist helps them work on that. So depending on, whatever setting it is, like I said, because occupational therapist can work with, zero to, the oldest person I ever worked with I think was like 95, right?

Yeah. So if what I'm hearing you say is correct, so the occupational therapy is more where you're really helping them with things that they need for their daily life. So you're working with what they need in order to do their daily life. And with, which I think you're discovering a lot of what I've discovered as well in working with individuals as me as like sleep and stress coaching is that traumas can really play a large part in affecting how somebody manages their day-to-day.

Traumas. But then also I realized through working with them that some of their traumas were not the calls that they're going to, the 9 1 1 calls and the, the deaths and things like that. Quite often it was their dog passing. I know, working with somebody. So it can be these small things. And then in working with kids, I've found that yes, there are the horrible traumas that we do associate with as traumas.

But those are big T traumas. But then we also discover these little t traumas that could be, a child that can get things and all of a sudden they're not they make mistakes and the perfectionism or things that kids say to them at times or things like that can be become traumas in these kids too.

First we'll go with the, what is called adverse childhood experiences. And maybe a lot of people haven't heard of that, but there is something called adverse childhood experiences. There's a whole quiz out there and there's 10 questions and it's looking at things like, excuse me, lemme take a little sip of water.

Right? That's what I thought. First of all, when I learned about the extended ACEs. So I do recommend anybody watches this if they haven't aren't familiar with the ACEs study, to look into that, take the quiz, just kinda see, 'cause it's very helpful. But then there's something called the extended ace.

Okay? And now that's where bullying is a an extended ace. And that is something that I experienced when I was in, in seventh grade. And so that is a trauma living in a violent community. That's a, that is a trauma, things like that, right? So that's under the extended age.

So you have this kid, they have big feelings, and you push it aside and you don't attune to them and you tell 'em to. Shut up or things like that they used to do. I know back in the day it was really bad the way parents did. They didn't have the education. But not attuning to the kid, and over and over again that actually causes a wound in the kid.

And that kind of takes their system into a fight or flight response. 'cause here they are, they have these emotions and they're not able to get processed. And moved out of the body. And that's what emotions are supposed to do. So they get stuffed down and those stuffed emotions wreak havoc in the body.

So if they were to experience something, but then there was someone to hold them through that, then it wouldn't register in the system as a trauma. It would be something that happened, but it wouldn't stay with them and affect them for the rest of their lives. So a lot of the times, the person that is doing the wounding is the parent.

But it is the way we were always parented, right? Oh yeah. And if we're making that shift and. Our parents, us, me as a parent. And our parents. So the grandparents are like, oh, you're too easy with that child. Or You're not doing, because you're not doing the old style of parenting. So we're in that middle where we're trying to make these changes, but we're also being told that what we're doing in these changes is wrong, because the old style is what they know. Yes. So we're coming from this part where we're trying to switch this, but as a parent, we're, we're navigating new territory too, so we're definitely going to make mistakes as well.

As we're learning and navigating it. So there's that one piece you said and then that other piece as well, if we start looking at generational traumas as well. So yes. We have. So if we were also had parents that yelled at us or we, and then we ended up getting really quiet and shut down. Or we had something where maybe our parents divorced and we decided, oh, we really need to fix things all the time.

Then we become where I talk about like where the animals, where we have the shark and the clownfish or the turtle are three stress signs. And if you are like. A clownfish always needed to fix things for your child and always needing to worry about them and all of that. You are doing that quite often because of a trauma that was experienced to you as the parent.

And once I got there and I went, oh my God, I do have troubles. Like we don't realize. Yeah, we only know what we know. We didn't realize that we were doing things to protect ourselves. We didn't realize that we're doing things because of that old style of parenting or because of our parents' traumas.

Yeah, absolutely. And it's just, again I gotta tell you what happened today. I'm like, oh, this is great. I can share this. I have a a daughter that is 10 and she's very sensitive. And today I was late. Picking her up from school and she was just getting ready to go and they were gonna take her into the office.

And I was with my oldest daughter, and we were able to get her just as they were going in. And she came to the car, her face looked sad, and then she just burst into tears. And the first thing I did was I let her get it out and I just held my hand out. Okay. So she could hold my hand. My oldest daughter is 20 and she immediately went into, oh, I'm sorry.

Okay? And so she's not going to get it right. I don't know what made me decide to turn things into a lesson, but because I want, I'm a cycle breaker and I want my. Kids to, fortunately pick up from, the work. So I was educating my daughter. 'cause one day she'll be a parent.

I said, let me show you some different ways that different parents would handle this. So the first way I said when she came out, I would've said, I'll stop crying. We got you in time anyway. When I was a kid, that happened to me all the time. Dismissive. And when I talked about earlier about things like that, not attuning, things like that's the type of things that register as a trauma.

And then when I was doing that, my daughter's oh, it's okay, mom. I was like, no, I'm acting. But then she felt like she needed to like say I'm sorry to me. So no, it's no longer about her. Now I've put it on me like I'm such in distress as the parent that I put her in distress. Now she's comforting me.

The voice is so high because people don't know. People don't have emotional intelligence. And that, and it's understandable why? Because back in the day they did not have this information. We have new information out, fortunately. So I just went over the different scenarios, with my oldest to tell her, show her how that works, and how.

It's love when you're doing it in from a clownfish space, from a trauma, from a stress space in your body, then that is what your child feels exactly. They that you need to make sure that they are okay and they're not crying. Whereas crying's Okay. Exactly. And sit and are completely okay that they're crying.

And you're like. It's okay to feel this way. Let them have those emotions and process them and then talk about it and work through it. And how can we, what can we do different next time once they're ready? That's all done in Dolphin and that's very different fixing in Dolphin versus Clownfish.

We're using our fingers. There's some of the same points that an acupuncturist would put needles in, but we are using our fingers to tap on it, and so whatever is coming up for us and causing us distress, we tap, we get it out. It's sending a signal to the amygdala saying You can. Downregulate, the person is safe.

It's okay. The amygdala is, what is the amygdala? Oh, it's a part of the brain, part of the limbic system. And the brain. That's the part that says there's danger, threat sound, the alarm, the fight or flight system gets activated, and that's when we fill all of those chemicals, cortisol and adrenaline and all of those things, right?

Work in action. And that was something that I did with my kids when they were young when I first started. So they it's so I'm better now. I'm not even like that anymore, but back when I first learned it, I'm not gonna lie, I was a little bit too high strong. And they'd be like, okay, I don't wanna tap.

Leave me alone. Leave me alone. We have the no tapping on anything that causes distress. Now they come to me. My oldest ones, and say, mom, my oldest, my middle daughter started her senior year the other day in high school. She's I'm nervous. I need you to tap with me. I was like, okay, let's do this.

Calm and connected. Yes. And that was the thing. I was too attached. Yep. And at the time, honestly, I hadn't even fully dove into the trauma world. I didn't understand it. When I would be having them do it, it was to make them feel better. To make the emotions negative. Emotions go away. Because you weren't doing what you did with your daughter today in letting her have her emotions.

I was not. It's almost like we have been taught in our style of parenting that, just in society, that having a quote unquote negative emotion, so sadness, anxiety, fear. Whereas your daughter being nervous about school is a great thing. Yes. Of course. Scared. That means she's excited.

And we're doing it from dolphin. Yes. So it's absolutely the same thing, and we don't. We get discomfort from seeing somebody else in discomfort. And as a parent, we need to learn that it's okay. Yes. There are times too where my son is struggling to do something or struggling with a friend and I just sit there and listen and I don't say anything.

I don't offer any advice. Yeah. Whatsoever. And I am in my mind constantly saying, don't say anything. Don't, he doesn't wanna hear it. He's not ready for it. He needs to feel his discomfort. He needs to sit in this for a while. And I'm sitting there and sometimes once I will say, do you want help with this at all?

Don't do it. All of this stuff. And we weren't helped and supported. Now we're going to the other end of the pendulum. Where we wanted mixing and helping and supporting. Yeah. So we went from that total almost shark mixed with a turtle of our into now this Clownfish. Where both of them are, because we don't want to see the child be in discomfort.

It can warn you of danger. Yeah. Yeah. That's that right there is the thing. And I think that's what causes a lot that I know that's what causes a lot of addictions. Because it's like this field of something uncomfortable. I don't know what to do with it. Nobody ever taught me what to do with this.

Let me go turn to this thing to make this go away. And so that's That numbing. That numbing. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And we get into that. And that's the thing is we need to have these kids be able to handle different adversities and handle the discomfort. And we need to be okay with them having discomfort.

Of course, it's not realistic, but it definitely just sounds much better and easier. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Than actually us doing the work on ourselves too, before we all do with the kids. Yeah. Yeah. So going back to what you said about eft, so it's fascinating too because my whole background too is in the nervous system and in not the whole body and the stress system and and when I'm always thinking of traumas too. I always think about how when a trauma is, so a trauma is always something that's too fast, too soon, too much that we're not ready for it, anything. So those become a trauma, but what happens is that it hits that neural, like that neural pathway in our brain, so that Nerve gets affected.

The neural pathway. So yes, I do this when I'm doing internal family system, I'm doing parts work. I'm doing the, with my clients. And you are doing it from EFT. And this is the thing that I love about all of these modalities, is that sometimes they do a. Similar thing. It's the same gift with different wrapping paper.

Yeah. Yeah. And people get to choose which wrapping paper do I want on that gift? I want this result. And how do I wanna get it there? Do I wanna work on my parts? Do I wanna do EFT? Yeah. And I think parts is parts is big. I know for sure I was, I wanted to sign up for this webinar that was EFT meets IFS.

While we're working on parts. Oh yeah. Would be phenomenal. But that's a different wrapping paper on the, and that's the thing is that, so just for the people, if you do think more from a science based, for anybody that is listening, so with EFT, the Nerve always has that trauma built into it. And so when you're doing the EFT, you are.

Exciting that Nerve you're bringing that trauma back into, like you're turning on that Nerve that kicks in when that trauma kicks in for you. And the EFT helps to let that Nerve know it's okay and you start retraining that Nerve to calm down. Exactly. And it's a different, they, the person ends up with a different physiological response, so there's no longer that activation, like the memory might be there, but it doesn't have that charge anymore.

At the same time, the parent working on themself is going to help the child heal faster. Yeah. Yeah. It can be several factors. This is what I'll say what help me a lot is Gabor Mate I shouldn't heard that name, Gabo mate. But he is a trauma specialist and he talked about the things that kids need to be able to thrive and.

I think those were the most important things. So I think that, a lot of wounding does happen with the caregivers. Sometimes, it could be teachers. But I think it, it does, and if you do have a. Like I said, you could have a well-meaning my mom was a well-meaning mom had lots of love.

So it, and then some kids do come here, with more sensitive nervous systems and temperaments. So that is important. But I do think a lot of things are, a lot of wounding does come through the caregivers. Even the most loving best loving parents possible is just that they have their own stuff.

And so I think you cannot go wrong. It's a win-win. If you do your own work like that pretty much helps a lot because even if you had a kid and it had nothing to do with, you at all this, your parenting, you can help support them and they, and borrow your nervous system because we, when kids are young, they don't have the ability to self-regulate.

So at a certain age is when your child should be able to go to a birthday party without you there at a certain age, your child will, be able to go to a friend's house without you there a certain age. This child should be able to go to a sports and you should be able to, leave and not be there.

And I was probably in burnout with my first one, but I was a thousand percent in burnout with my second one, I barely could get, my battery was barely even charged to even get outta bed if we even said it was charged. Like it was beyond exhausting. And so my second son showed so many signs of stress of all, of that, of nervous system struggles. And that was like I swear it was because my nervous system didn't have the capabilities for him, which is why I became a stress coach, right? And in working through that, like he had all of the stress signs growing up like when he was first born, like he was unbelievable.

It's at a store. They play Pokemon. All the friends, all the other parents would leave and I would stay. 'Cause he needed me there. I didn't talk to him, I didn't do anything. But I was that calm, present parent that he needed in order to stay calm. So if he was struggling, he would come and just stand by me.

Sometimes we talk, sometimes we wouldn't, whatever. But knowing I was there and then it got to where I could be outside, but he knew I was still close to now. Like he's down the street, it's like a 20 minute walk, and he's fine. He's good. Yes. But that was like 12 years old and he's an independent child.

So it's like we do think my other kid was okay for me, leaving him alone here. And it's like you can't even compare your own kids because if one no nervous system is more taxed Exactly. And one kid is more sensitive Yes. Then they are the one that's may need you around more often.

And it's exhausting. Like we used to call my son my magnet. Like he needed to be around me all of the time, like all of the time. And it was exhausting, but he was very dysregulated when he wasn't. Yeah. And I had to learn that this wasn't a, like a a crutch for him. It was actually what his nervous system needed to be co-regulate.

And the days that he was doing good, he was good. So it's also going to depend with the child on the day. Yeah. It's all about safety and just how much safety needs to, 'cause that's what it's about. Even as adults when we have to reparent ourselves, it's the safety wasn't there. When you're dysregulated, you're not in safety. So he needed you to come and give him that cog co-regulation and like you said, the whole milestone thing. Screw all of that. It's about helping him. So thank goodness he had a mom like you that did that for him, or is doing that for him.

I think it's is necessary. And I'm gonna tell you like sitting at Pokemon for two hours every single Thursday night or on Saturdays for three, four hours while there's a like tournament going on, that's all kinds of kids. These Neurodiverse kids, it's not the be, it's like this whole thing, right?

You would just see him instantly calm. And you could think some parents might see that and go they're calm. Like, how are they not calm in school? They're calm around me. Take that as an account, as you, as the parent, that they actually find you safe. Yes. Take that as the compliment for the parent.

Yes. That means they find you safe. And if you find that with your spouse. Or with other kids like your other children, they may be calmer along one of your other kids and they may get more wound up around one of your other kids. Because one of your other kids might be more of a shark or more of a clownfish.

Yeah. Yeah. So you start seeing that a certain sibling sometimes in certain moments is safe to them, and then in other moments when they're doing things becomes unsafe. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I definitely see that over here. My home too. And it's something that the nervous system is the neuroception. Am I safe or I'm in danger.

And in that moment when someone doesn't acknowledge you or ignores you it, that's the lack of safety, if that's your love language. If that's, and being acknowledged or being like, yeah. Having those close conversations. And they're not acknowledging you at all. Then you're like, they don't love me.

He needs to talk it out, whereas the other one is so quiet. And he needs you to be silent for a while for him. Feel he'll talk. That's so fascinating. And those are the opposite. So it's really understanding your child and what Yeah. Too. Yeah. Each kid needs to be, treated differently. And I think that's, a lot of parents need to understand 'cause it's oh, so and so easy.

And yeah, they're not the same. Their nervous systems are not the same and the temperaments are not the same. And their love languages and not the right. Yeah. There's so much, which is the coolest thing, that they could come from the same parents and have such different personalities and needs and all of that.

Another expert is just it's phenomenal and parents need to know that when they are, when these parents are. Reacting in a way that might not be a connected way for their parents. It's not because they're bad parents. No. They're we're all doing our best with the skills that we've learned.

And now hopefully in them hearing this too, they'll go maybe I could do some more work on myself. So before we go, we will give everybody a ways to contact you and how they can connect with you. But before we go, is there anything that you feel we haven't touched on yet that you feel parents.

'Cause I wasn't always I guess I have a 10, 17, and 20-year-old. And I have this amazing, they're all girls. But I have this amazing relationship with, with all of them. And my teens. I'm col well teens, I forget 'cause my 20-year-old is she's no longer a teen. But my young adult and my teen, they just think that mom is just like the best thing ever.

And they talk to me and tell me everything and. Just to have that close connected relationship. And it wasn't always like that. I started off old school a little bit and just kinda out of control and the, yelling and just not knowing what to do and I didn't know, and then again, when I learned EFT, like trying to get them to feel better and just being attached and what has been most helpful?

Like I even had talks with them like, okay, girls. Next time mommy gets triggered, just remind me to get back into my body. Now, that's not their responsibility, right? So they'd be like, get back into your body, and I'd be like, shut up. And just, and so if your nervous system dysregulated, which.

Why wouldn't it be, if I didn't have, the regulated, parents growing up and they had their own traumas and things like that. Again, they did the best that they could, but I just didn't have the tools, the skills. I just didn't have a clue. And so once I started working on regulating my system and, becoming, present, it was like easy for me.

Like I don't. You really can't skip it. 'cause like I know people that have had their kids out getting help, but then they gotta come back to the home. And if you're not working on your own system, it's gonna affect them. I'm sorry, like once they get out the house, that's a little different if they're not in the house with you.

But if they're the house with you to really have to do your own work. And I would start with working on regulating the system and then me personally, like I. Work with people to help them to break those cycles. If they're like you, I'm ready to be a cycle breaker. I didn't get a good example growing up and I want something different 'cause I know this isn't working.

I would. Yeah. So we did like it was, I remember the small things. I would get upset. I would get upset at like my spouse, and it's just, it really did take me working on myself without realizing that I needed the work, as we said at the start too, that things started to shift. Yeah. So we may not even realize we need the help because we still may be doing all the things that people are saying you can do. Like you said, you tried different courses and stuff. I was trying all the things, and it was only once I really started doing the work on myself, working on my traumas working on my nervous system.

Are you only available in your state? Can you work out of your state? Can you work online? Yeah. Yeah, I can. Yes I can. 'cause I don't work under the occupational therapy. I'm a trauma informed life coach. Perfect. So that's, yeah. So I work with people under the coaching. So you can work with anybody anyway.

Oh yeah. Absolutely. That's amazing. I love that. Okay. That's me too, right? That's my one thing. I was like, I don't know if I wanna become a psychotherapist because Exactly. My, my training with IFS is the same as they get. It's just the coach. Because then I'm only, I can only deal with people in my province.

Exactly. And I work with people in North America and the uk so same thing. All. So for people to find you, we're going to put everything in the show notes. So we have a link for people to book a call with you. And then we also have your LinkedIn and I love that you are not mainly on social media like that.

So thank you so much for this today. I think this was very my pleasure. Appreciated my pleasure. And everybody go to the show notes, book a call with Safiya, and yeah, just start working on yourself because trust me, you'll be happier, you'll be calmer, and you'll just definitely build that better relationship with your kids as well.

Absolutely. Thank you everybody and we will see you in the next episode. Before you go, also go to the show notes for my information as well. If you'd like to work with me. I have my call my booking call as well is in the show notes and other ways that you can contact me. Reach out to both of us and start your journey today.