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Another question I received
on social media has been,
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how do I deal with my partner
who's got a lot of anger?
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And it's something that it's,
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if it's specific to you and it's not,
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you don't see this anger
towards a lot of other people,
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I would stop and I would actually learn
what I call the Demartini Method and
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find out go to the moment where and
when their anger and look at what
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they're actually displaying
and demonstrating.
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Find out where you're doing that in
your own life, in your own format.
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Because we typically only judge other
people that represent parts of us we're
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not really embracing fully and find
out where we're doing the same thing.
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You know, I think it was Romans two,
that whatever you judge in others,
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you do the same thing first. Look
at yourself before you judge them.
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Then find out and see what they're
angry about, is there a pattern?
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Are there certain things you do that
they're pleased with that's letting you
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know what their values are and some things
that are displeasing and letting you
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know what their values
are, and take a look,
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because maybe the way you're
communicating to them is challenging
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their values,
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and you could articulate things maybe in
a different manner and get a different
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response. No one's an angry
person. They're a human being.
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And if they perceive that
their values are challenged,
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they can be mean as a tiger.
If their values are supported,
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they can be nice as a pussycat.
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There's times when this
person's got the other side.
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Find out what it is and how you're
interacting with them or how people are
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interacting with them when
they are in that side.
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And then when they're on the angry side,
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they obviously have expectations for
you or them to live in a certain value
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system. And when you're challenging
that, they're going to be angry.
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They're unmet expectations. That's what
usually leads to anger and aggression.
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So find out what you're doing. Also,
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find out if you're puffed up and
cocky when they're angry. If they are,
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they're humbling you and they're
bringing you back down into equilibrium.
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Somehow if you're cocky and
challenged in their values,
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they're going to be angry and
aggressive and bring you down.
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Relationships are going to have both
sides. Support, challenge, you know,
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please and displease, that's part of
life. Peace and war. Hugs and slugs,
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as we call it.
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To expect a one-sided relationship
is a bit unrealistic and fantasy.
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So find out where you've
done the same thing.
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Humble yourself before you judge them.
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Find out what you're doing that's
challenging their values. Ask them.
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I'm seeing that you've been quite angry
with me and I'm just wondering what
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specifically so I'm not guessing.
I really, because we're adults,
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we can talk as human beings. Talk to me,
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what am I doing specifically
that's creating these responses?
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And are those actions reasonable
on my part or are the expectations
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unreasonable on yours? If it's something
that I'm doing that's unreasonable,
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it's good feedback for me.
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If it's something that's unreasonable on
your expectations and you're expecting
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me to do something I can't do, if you
expect me to live outside my values,
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I'm going to let you down and you're
going to feel betrayed constantly.
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And that's an issue of
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you having realistic expectations on
others not to live in your values,
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but in my values and to give me reasons
to want to communicate and do things in
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your values, where we both win
out of it. At the same time,
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if you have reasonable expectations
and I just have behaviors and I'm not
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learning an art, then give me
feedback, and that's what I'm doing.
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So give me feedback what I'm doing
that's causing such anger in you.
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If I see that you're angry at
myself and 10 other people,
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I'm going to point out that
it's noticeable that you're
reacting with anger to a
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lot of people. What is going on
inside you? What's happening?
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What's the expectations aren't being met?
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And dialogue and communicate and
open up about it and find out.
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Don't make them wrong necessarily. Make
them aware. They'll appreciate that.
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The feedback is to their advantage.
Making them wrong and you're right,
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is not going to get you
anywhere, just but retaliation.
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You're going to get more
anger. If you get cocky,
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they're going to bring you down.
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If you get level and you just care for
somebody and you're trying to communicate
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with them and you're giving them feedback
and you're asking and accepting half
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the responsibilities,
and then the other half,
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you're probably going to get somewhere,
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you're probably going to get some sort
of closer to an understanding of what it
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takes to be able to transcend
this perception of anger.
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If you have a fantasy yourself that
life's supposed to be peaceful and never
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warful, and kind and never cruel,
and positive, never negative,
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well it's time for you to grow up and
mature because I don't know of any
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relationship that doesn't
have both of those sides.
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And any relationship at work,
with kids, with family members,
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welcome to the balance of opposites.
That's what love really is.
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It's a synthesis of opposites. So
calm down your expectation yourself.
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Make sure you own the trait.
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Make sure you're not judging
something that's really about you,
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then you're just blind to it.
Find out what they're upset about,
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find out if it's something
you're doing that's reasonable,
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that they're expecting it reasonably,
and you can do something about it.
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And maybe you can practice the art of
communicating and caring about them.
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Find out what it is that they have.
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If it's unrealistic expectations on
their part, make them get feedback.
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Give them feedback. Let them know they've
got an, that's not going to happen.
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And you keep getting angry at people,
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because you keep expecting
people to do something that's,
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they're not going to live
in your values all the time.
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They're going to live in their
values. And give them feedback.
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Having an open dialogue like that is a
mature way of managing this and working
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towards the solution. Be
solution oriented, not blaming,
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labeling and problem oriented only.
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And make sure you look at yourself and
take on half the responsibility if it's
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truly partly yours.
