Mother’s Day isn’t easy for everyone. It can bring up painful memories. Barry and Heather share their stories to help you find healing and honor your mom at the end of it all.

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CHAPTERS

00:00 Mothers Day Honor

00:42 Why Honoring Hurts

01:41 Redesigning The Questions

02:24 Mom Or Dad Wounds

07:52 Moms Voice In Your Head

09:05 Healing Journey Together

11:18 Wisdom From The Storm

14:45 Barrys Parents Reframed

22:54 ‌

26:58 God Filling The Gaps

27:50 God as Loving Father

30:25 Healing Parents Wounds

32:30 Life Church Breakthrough

34:51 Unlearning Lies Renewed Mind

35:35 Father Wounds and Humility

41:22 Pain into Wisdom

42:54 Motherhood Do Overs

44:58 Gods Design for Family

50:18 Mothers Day Closing

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Have you ever wondered what it would be like to give your mom the best gift ever?

If you're like me, you don't have the best memories of your mom, or perhaps maybe like Heather, and we'll get into that story in a minute.

Difficult memories.

But we want to talk about those memories today for Mother's Day, and we also wanna talk about the wisdom we've gained over the years and also how to honor your mother.

This is Barry and Heather with Father Seekers, and this is the podcast.

Teach Me to Father

two.

Honoring your mom on Mother's Day should be easy, but for some of us.

It's not always easy for some of us, it's difficult for some of us.

It's a problem.

Today, we want to impart to you the wisdom that we've learned from some difficult experiences, and we want to share with you how to move forward in healing so that you can be the best mom that you could possibly be and you could be the best dad.

That you could possibly be.

This is Barry and Heather with Father Seekers, and this is a podcast teaching me to Father.

How are you doing?

Beautiful girl.

I'm doing great.

Okay.

How are you?

Yep, I'm good.

So let's talk about all these questions.

So we had one list.

It didn't work out really good because it was just like we were in our thirties,

right?

And we're not

far from Heather.

Yeah.

So we're about two times plus that.

So we readjusted and we redesigned the questions to fit.

Mid sixties sharing wisdom and healing

wisdom healing and how to approach motherhood, fatherhood when you had a difficult, especially if you both had a difficult mom thing.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

And one of the things that I'm learning with father seekers and fathers and dads is that.

They think they have a dad problem.

It's really a mother problem

or both.

And, but it is both.

You're right.

But let's talk for a minute.

This is not a question on our thing, so don't be thrown off, but is it the same way for, for women,

and what I mean by that is do you feel like it's a mommy issue.

A daddy issue or a combination of the both?

Or is there one more than the other?

I think it depends on how you grow up.

If you have a active loving mother and an absentee father, then it'd be a father issue.

Absentee father.

Indeed.

Yeah.

Or vice versa.

If, if both parents were absentee, then it's.

A both mother and father issue affects you through your lifetime.

Let's talk about yours then you can, you can question me on mine and we've got 10 questions we'll never get to, but we'll have some better questions that come outta that.

Okay, so, so tell me about your so bullet point, your dad was an entrepreneur business guy,

right?

And take it from there.

My dad,

I guess back then, the thinking is if I have, if I give you a roof over your head and food on your table mm-hmm.

Why aren't you happy?

You know, and, uh, my dad was an alcoholic, a partier, heavy drinker smoker, and he wasn't around much.

When he did come home, it was usually like after work if he did show up he'd sit on his chair and read his paper, ignore the kids, never say hi or anything, and then eat dinner, and then he'd go and watch tv.

My mom, I know she did the best she could with what she knew.

So I craved love when I was younger, and I think my mom must have grown up that way with her parents because I don't ever remember seeing my grandma

be a loving, huggy person as well.

And you are.

Go ahead.

I said you are.

You're a loving

puppy.

Well, I had to learn that.

Yeah.

I'm hearing you.

Because my mom never, I don't ever remember her telling me she loved me or gave me hugs or anything until I was like, well into my thirties.

Um,

and like I said, thinking back, I don't think my grandmother ever showed affection to my mom or her two sisters.

My grandpa died when he was, when I was four, so I don't have memories of how their marriage was.

So my grandma was, I can't remember how old she was when she, when my grandpa died, but she did most of her life.

Single.

Never got married again, so I just don't think it was familiar for her to have... Express to us kids how she felt or

She didn't.

So she didn't have the capacity, you mean?

I don't think she did.

Yeah.

No, because she was never taught that way.

Woo.

That's good.

Yeah.

Um, yeah, you don't know to, you don't know what you don't know.

And if you're thrown in to learn the hard way.

And you had two brothers as well's.

I had two

brothers as well.

And you're the youngest?

I am.

Okay.

So that, that's a whole different, that's a whole different dynamic.

Yeah.

Let's not get into when your mom passed 'cause that's a great story.

Let's say that to the end.

What else?

What else?

Insight, like you're saying there's a combination of, there's a combination of an unhealthy.

Dysfunctional marriage.

They did what they knew to do.

Right.

That's what they did.

That's back in the day.

Like they were early boomers mm-hmm.

We're late boomers.

Right.

So it's like that's just what they did.

Like, so

what was it?

When did you know?

When did you know that this is not the way it's supposed to be?

Like, was there a sense at, in that when you realized that?

Probably not until after I got married the first time, which I was 18.

With your and those are that's Amber and Ryan.

Amber and Ryan's dad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yep.

Because I craved love so much, I married the first man.

Boy that told me he loved me, so my job.

Yeah.

Do you want to get into that piece?

No,

no.

That's

alright.

Not a mother thing.

Yep.

But I know the things a mother says whether encouraging or critical can stay with a child for years even into a.

I think a lot of us still hear our mother's voice.

In our heads.

Yes we do.

Sometimes.

I know I do.

When you're an adult.

Yep.

Whether it's good or bad.

So

sometimes it's encouraging and sometimes it's not.

So

unpack that a little bit like.

Be more specific because I think everybody that's listening to this who experienced this, they know what we're talking about.

But give an example that you're comfortable with in about that, like some of the stuff that you still hear and I, I will too.

But some of this stuff

My mother's favorite saying was, you stunned kid.

Or you're stupid and ugly.

So I still hear that.

At, in mid sixties

and mid sixties

and

we together went through a great deal of healing and not only together, but with, journey to wholeness.

Mm-hmm.

We'll put that link in the thing.

Um, that's where it's amazing.

You just we'll tell more at then.

We don't get paid for it.

We don't get, we don't get anything from it.

We just love the people and they're amazing.

You'll, if you check it out, you'll love it.

But we've gone through a ton.

And then we begin to discover things about us.

Right?

Which

isn't that interesting how all that comes together?

Like you're from Canada, I'm from the south, totally different cultures, but all the similarities,

right?

So all those similarities we put together, we've learned from, we went through journey, we went through the process of going through an intensive together, like working through all those different pieces, which.

If you have the access to do that or the, the ability.

Huge.

It's huge.

I think, I think one of the things that helped me understand you more,

because we had similar type moms, what names very similar.

But the response of a boy to his mom and the response of little girl to her mom with an absentee dad or a pro.

He's really, he was really your dad.

He was really a provisional dad, a providing dad, like he worked all the time, owned a couple of businesses, like provided for the family, nothing to want except him being around in attention.

Right?

It's like the absentee debt, like a lot of people have it.

What was what?

Looking back.

Looking back,

how did you see the perfect storm now?

Like how that brooded and exploded all over everybody.

The perfect storm of your dad being who he was and your mom being who she was and how that collided?

Well, I don't know.

Back in those days, I don't think you just, you didn't leave your husband.

Mm-hmm.

You just

got comfortable with what you had and what was given to you.

Uh, not materialistically, but emotionally, and,

I dunno.

No, you, I got it.

Go ahead.

So she stayed and had

a life with an absent husband.

Oh.

Okay.

Now you're taking us down a new path.

So my mom never had a job, never worked a day in her life, so she was there home all the time.

Looking after us kids and dad was never there.

So I think she resented that situation.

I can't speak for her, but that's just the way I can look back on it now.

You said absentee husband.

I've never heard that.

I've never thought about that.

That certainly is that, that certainly would identify part of, part of who I was early on.

Like I, I was a, I was always gone working like, anyway, so quite a storm there, quite a piece of all that trying to merge and put all that together.

What are.

What are some of the pieces of wisdom just peeking into it from today, like just peeking in and looking.

What are some of the wisdom pieces, maybe just one or two that you gained

from experiencing all you've done, all the healing, all the processing, all the growing.

What are a couple of things that you've seen from that time in your life?

And you, you've made, okay, this is how it's supposed to be, and had to realign yourself to that.

I guess I could say

looking back at how my daughter is raising my granddaughter,

I see.

Gonna make me cry.

And wishing I could have been,

take your time.

That good of a mother to my kids.

So let's think about this for a minute.

Amber had to pick some things up from you that were good

and maybe just maybe

that some of those voices you still hear are just not accurate about the kind of mom you were.

Maybe they're just not accurate.

Let's take the light off you.

Yes.

Let's go back to, you

ask me a question.

I'll ask you the same question.

Okay.

How do you see your mother differently now than you did in your younger years?

Well, so, so there, yeah.

I feel like,

I don't know.

I went through a whole lot of, with the journey, and again, they're not paying us to do, say their name.

If they want to, they can, but,

and if we get a million subscribers, we will expect something.

But right now it's for you.

I feel like when I went through the journey thing that, that I got to see, like you either blame your mom or your dad.

You don't blame, like, because one's gotta be the hero and one's gotta be the bad guy,

right?

You gotta have a bad guy.

Right?

So for years.

My dad was the bad guy because my mom made him the bad guy.

So then, then when you get married and you start sorting because now you're a dad and you go, oh, and you're a husband, and you go, oh.

And you gotta, you gotta work and you gotta go to college at the same time.

You gotta do all this stuff.

And then I began to see that my, my dad wasn't as bad as my mother made him sound.

He was actually a good man when I met him.

Got to hang out with him when I was in college.

I hung out with him as often as I could and he was actually a nice guy but a weathered life.

Like he was, he had experienced a great deal of di difficulty.

He was an alcoholic, he had chronic kidney disease.

He had a kidney transplant, you know, chip off the old block here.

But I could see that that time.

Had worn him down and I found some of his old bibles and I looked through and he, he had made notes and he, I think he taught Sunday school one time and had a tithing envelope in there like, so I said all that to say, I think my mom was very hurt and very bitter and very angry and I don't think,

looking back with wisdom and forgiveness, I don't think,

I don't think that she was emotionally healthy because of all that she had gone through with him.

Like I, as a kid, four years old, I walked into their bedroom one time and he was beating the crap out of her, like beating her.

Like, so, so when I look back with those eyes, like where I've come from now, it's like I got it.

And interestingly enough where I made final piece with them both over time, over lots of talking, some with you again, some with, pastor Becky, Shawn Hennessy.

Lots of just over and over and over, like in some really good folks who walked me through that.

I made final piece, interestingly enough, at each of their caskets when they died.

I was in college when my dad died.

And, uh, I just had that experience at the coffin.

I just, you know, nobody was there.

I just said I did the best I could.

I mean, I wanted, I still love him today.

I, I mean, I would love to hung out with him, like he was a cool guy.

Very quiet.

He was, um, I believe it's in Omni Vert.

I believe it's called now or something.

D probably something different, but I. You put him in front of people and he could sell ice water to Eskimos, but if he was alone, he was just, or in a small group of people.

He's just very quiet.

Made that peace with him.

Love him.

Honor him in my thoughts, in my words.

My mother, she actually left instructions.

Where her casket should go, which way it should be facing.

Who should wear what, what she should wear.

Her hair, her makeup, her lipstick.

She was given orders from the grave and that that there was no discussion that I was supposed to do her funeral.

I was supposed to perform her funeral,

so.

Horrible.

Don't recommend it.

Don't recommend it.

Don't do it.

Never do that.

It's so dumb.

But it was the last bit of honor I could give to her.

So I did it.

Horrible performance.

Horrible.

Like it was horrible.

No,

it wasn't like

inside.

I was falling apart, like totally falling apart, but.

I gave her that last bit of honor.

Now looking back today, certainly

she was not well emotionally because she was just so wounded.

Her heart was so wounded like, and I can forgive that, like she was not good to any of us and she was very abusive.

Verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically.

But I can forgive that because I know where she came from.

I mean, I, I heard stories from my grandparents about her as a little girl and, and all her, she worked so hard.

Like, and I can forgive a lot for this.

She worked so hard.

She stood on concrete floors for years working second, third shift.

And she worked at a place called s not Vels Golf.

That's where I worked.

But she worked for DuPont in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

And she stood on, on concrete floors and then later she worked for Brock Candy Company.

But she worked so long and stood on concrete floors for so many years that her pelvic bone split and she had to have rods put in and hinges and hooked up all together.

Nice.

When I visited her, this is all stuff I've never told anybody really?

So,

no, you don't even tell me.

Here you go.

So she was telling me, like when I was visiting her in the nursing home there at the end couple years before she was telling me about some sort of.

Things she had because of the way the kids were birthed.

I said, I don't care.

I don't wanna hear any of that.

Thanks.

That's enough.

You can stop.

So she bore literally lots of pain, lots of difficulty mentally and emotionally.

She was abused herself by my dad.

So I can't even imagine.

Like I can't hold something against her for that.

One of the worst memories I've ever had of her.

I won't tell you some of 'em, but one of the worst memories I ever had was she made me stand in the backyard and watch, make me watch her burn my dad's military uniform and awards and medals.

'cause she's so angry.

And when you're, when you're that angry.

It, it takes hold of your body and it manipulates your mind and your emotions.

It's horribly.

Did that answer your question?

Mm-hmm.

I told too much.

No,

It's hard to honor somebody that's abused you.

Let's talk about that for a minute.

Because we both experienced some, some abuse in our homes a little bit.

We bit

nothing physical for me.

Oh yeah.

But yeah, emotionally.

Yep.

I don't think, I don't think it's fair to tell people that they've got to

love and reconcile with their abuser.

Mm-hmm.

Because I don't agree with that at all.

Unless it's something that the Lord does miraculously.

And forgiveness doesn't mean to reconcile and go back where you, where you left off.

That's not what that means.

No, not at all.

So to heal properly, we must forgive.

And that's a, that's a one time thing and it's an overtime thing.

Now you were talking about the voices of your, your mom in your head.

I still hear those like.

You will never amount to anything.

And she broke my dad down so bad and then compared me to him.

Mm-hmm.

Like, you look like him.

You act like him, you smell, you're never gonna, you're gonna be horrible.

You're never gonna do anything with your life.

You're just, so when we talk about forgiveness, it certainly is one remembrance to the next of how we forgive.

It's just, and here's the way I forgave, then I wanna hear how you forgave Chris.

We still do it together when we have our talks, don't we?

So when I hear or I have opportunity to be mad or angry, I just choose to ask a God to heal my heart and increase my capacity to forgive.

What about you?

Yeah, same.

A lot of prayer, a lot of thanking him for his grace, for getting you through all of that.

Yeah.

And coming out trusting him.

It took me a long time to trust him, but uh, yeah, a lot of praying and asking God for.

Mercy, let's, and

go ahead.

Sometimes asking him to forget some of the memories, the bad memories, and remember the good memories.

Yes, and I think that one of our morning rhythms helps out a lot too.

Like,

we're very predictable in some things, in some ways we're not.

Like I. Totally off key here, but we have a competition to see who can out serve the other one.

And I'm always, I'm always winning.

That's your opinion,

because I'm up early, like, so I get up and this is a part of the healing process.

Mm-hmm.

So that I'm not going, like I'm going to, so when you.

I get up, prepare your morning stuff, put it all together.

So all you gotta do is just walk in and do your little thing.

That's wonderful.

Um, but our other morning routine is what I'm talking about.

Like we spend at least in separate places in our apartment, at least an hour in scripture reading, journaling, not surfing or any of that stuff, but reading scripture.

So I think that's a huge

emotions.

Yeah.

Like huge piece of the healing process.

Mm-hmm.

Alright.

What's the next question?

Let's look.

Okay let's go to oh no, not that one.

Okay.

Here's a good one.

Number four.

In what ways has God met you in the places your mother could not?

And how has that reshaped the identity and sense of security?

Ooh, gonna read it again.

In what ways has God met you in the places your mother could not?

And how has that reshaped your identity and sense of security?

By the way, we're gonna put all 10 questions.

In the show notes, you can play with 'em, but we won't get to 'em all today and this is a one shot, one deal.

Alright, spit.

Heather, in what ways has God met you in the places your mother could not?

Well, what beliefs about yourself or life You have to unlearn them the way that you, you were taught.

Mm-hmm.

And replace the truth

with God.

Restoring your thinking about yourself, about him as a loving father.

Ooh,

especially if you didn't have a living father.

It's hard to sometimes imagine that God loves you so much.

When your own father didn't,

I hear you.

That's why we do what we do,

right?

Mm-hmm.

Go ahead.

You always say, I don't know.

When you hit a nerve, you hit a nerve.

So go ahead, share

meeting you.

Thanks.

That's not what you were gonna say, I don't think.

Yeah.

What, what were you gonna say?

I have a 60-year-old mind.

No, don't believe it.

It's a lie.

So there was repair and healing.

Mm-hmm.

Once you began to trust God, why did you not trust God?

Well, I was brought up Catholic, so that would explain a lot.

That's a lot.

Certainly for some of our friends and what their stories are.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Okay, so I wasn't in, when I went to Catholic church, you weren't taught that God is a loving father, that he

loves you unconditionally.

No matter what you do, he forgives you, which I learned later on.

Mm-hmm.

And God will love Ha does love everybody no matter what they've been through, no matter

what experiences you have had in the past.

If you come to him,

he will show you that he loves you, that he

is always there for you.

So it restores your, your sense of how you treat other people, how you can relate to other people without

having the past experiences affect

your actions.

I hear you so.

That's really good.

That's really good what you just said.

So

in that relationship, like, like the mom, the dad dysfunction, I.

There's a healing process that has to come on both sides of that equation that God has to do the work in.

Right,

right, right, right.

And I think if we would've known that secret.

That secret.

Yeah.

Like instead of blaming this one or that one, we could have gone, wait a minute, nobody ever said to me.

Nobody ever said to you, we sort of learned it in our process.

Nobody connected the dots.

When somebody gets married, regardless of their religion, regardless of their intention, period, the scripture says the two become one.

And.

And they are one in God's sight.

So, so when we experience this dysfunction and when we experience this hurt and this wounding from our parents, the tendency is whoever's, whoever we get stuck with is we get, we get stuffed with their story and then we, we hate the other one.

Right?

And generally it's the way they designed, but it was both of them.

Now I know that's a very generalized statement, and I know that there are some very good people who marry horrible people, and it's not their fault they have to get away.

I'm not talking about those people.

We're not talking about them.

We're talking about similarities with people with our stories.

So it's, it's not just one, it's a. It's two people who became one in God's sight, then decided to split and do their own thing.

Right?

All right.

So God trusting God to be healer in that.

What was the first time you realized that?

When did you realize that could take place and happen?

Probably when I started going to Life Church.

Mm-hmm.

That was spot.

Eight years.

10 years.

Eight years

probably.

Yeah.

Eight years.

About eight years ago.

Yeah.

Nine years.

Yeah.

Um,

completely different than a Catholic church.

So

Huge.

Yeah.

Different.

You learned more,

well, I guess

you learned about the actual Bible.

Yeah.

And God's love

and the music's totally different.

Oh, yeah.

Worship music was great.

Yeah.

So with that piece God, bringing healing and restoration to your heart, helping you understand a little bit about your parents and having the ability to forgive, where in that did you begin to learn?

The way things are supposed to be in marriage, like, when did you learn, when did that become like, I grew up this way, I had this experience.

My, my children's father was not a, not helpful.

When, when did you begin to learn, like there's another way.

There's another way

just, uh, like I said, going to like church and, and getting friendships where people have happy loving marriages and learning from them from example.

Yeah, that's

good

tv.

Well,

hallmark movies,

you,

you, uh, you are quite the researcher.

I don't think people, most people know that.

Or you are married to a nerd.

Yeah.

So that's, but you are quite a researcher yourself.

You research

observer,

you observe, but you research as well.

You are the health.

Oh

yeah,

freak Nut changed my life.

No more Snickers or Code Zero.

Okay, so let's go to the next question that I think that was a good one.

Here.

Here do you see one on there that you want to address?

Oh, no.

Let's do this one.

What beliefs about yourself?

Number five, what beliefs about yourself or life?

Had to be unlearned and what truths replaced them as God restored your thinking?

Ooh, that's a good question.

Hello?

That's a good question.

We both should talk about that.

Mm-hmm.

You go first.

It's really good.

What beliefs about yourself or life had to be unlearned?

Why don't you question me?

Let me go first.

Gimme time.

I'm think about alright,

how.

Yeah, same question.

How,

okay.

What beliefs about yourself or life had to be unlearned?

Alright, so,

there was a handful.

I think the first one was I wanted a relationship with my father.

I knew that relationship was directly.

Connected to God in original design.

Nobody told me that.

Learned it the hard way.

But then when I learned that my dad was supposed to teach me about God, but he didn't,

so then I had to begin to learn about God, his father from zero square one.

Right.

And when you.

When you have good people in your life that teach you about scripture and exemplify that for you, you begin to get a peak of who God is.

Mm-hmm.

One of the things that I noticed is that when I was a kid early on, I don't know when, uh, the eight number sticks out for some reason, but when you're emotionally broken.

Like in you're wounded as a kid, you know you need a dad, but you don't want anybody telling you what to do.

Mm-hmm.

You want a dad, you want him, but nobody's gonna tell you what to do.

And there's three reasons why.

The first is you've done it on your own at eight years old and nobody can do it like you second.

I will protect myself.

My self preservation is more at eight years old.

When you're thinking about this, you've, you've hit some, you've hit some hard roads, like, and hyper vigi is, you know, you are always watching to see who's a threat so that you can go the other way.

And then the third, the third one was there is a, at an 8-year-old or an 80-year-old, there is a humbling.

That one has to do when they come to God as father.

There's a humbling that happens.

Again, we got stories on that one.

Yeah, we got receipts for those.

But if you are not willing to humble yourself to say, now here's, here's what this humbling thing does, and we may get stuck here.

Here's what the humbling thing does.

When the hu, when you humble yourself, you have to admit, first of all, you're wrong.

You've been misled.

Now you're mad again.

You've been hurt, you've been lied to again.

Then you also have to admit that the pursuit at eight or 10 years old, wherever I was, that all that's wrong and I gotta do it a different way now.

Like you can't do it that way.

And then.

Yeah, there's this, you don't ever get rid of hypervigilant until you experience healing.

And then still, yeah, it's just still you.

You still gotta watch it.

You're still watching over your shoulder.

Like I learned my greatest fear as a kid.

As a, looking back, I was always afraid that somebody was sneaking up.

Conspiring against me to get, to get, sneak up on me and get me.

Well, first off, who is it?

You think you are?

Okay.

You're not that important at eight or 66.

But when you were abused in such a way and you lived in an atmosphere where that that mindset was created, then it's difficult to offset it.

But then you have to.

You have to trust God the Father who you know nothing about.

I mean, you go to church and you hear God, Jesus, holy Spirit, but nobody ever sat you down and said, you know God and taught you the whole fatherhood of God thing.

That was a long answer, but I don't know if it, I don't know if I answered anything.

I felt good saying it.

I think.

Yeah.

So I would say this too, that, that wisdom, the wisdom of life and then meshed with healing and good people transformation happens and then you, you start disbelieving the lies you were told.

Yes.

You just, no, that's a lie.

Yeah.

Even from people that you thought you loved.

Who betrayed you or hurt you or lied or, or in their own foolishness and brokenness, you know, they do what they do.

That's usually the closest ones to you that do that to you?

Yep.

Usually.

Most certainly.

Do you want to answer that?

Do you wanna go to another one?

Um, um, well, I would say God designed motherhood with incredible influence.

Hmm, the kind that can shape a child's heart, their identity, and even their understanding of him.

When God starts renewing your mind, it's just about thinking more positively.

It's about replacing lies you believed, like you said, with truths that actually reshape how you live.

Relate and see yourself.

So you wrote little notes to the questions?

I did.

Why did you do that?

That's not fair.

I don't You had a chance to do that?

Well, okay.

Maybe we'll put your answers, maybe we'll put your, your answers to your questions in the show notes.

I

didn't answer

all.

I thinks great questions.

That's fine.

The ones you did were good?

Yeah.

Let's go to another question.

You're on fire here.

Here's one.

How has your pain.

This is, what was

that?

Seven?

How has your pain been transformed into, Ooh, you've been exhibiting that today.

We have together.

How has your pain been transformed into wisdom, and how does the wisdom now shape the way you love, lead, and relate to others?

You talked about that some while ago, but let's talk about it again.

How I think you become more aware of.

Other people's feelings and how you treat them.

Just God's love in you.

You want everybody to know that you love them and that're important that God loves them.

There's a lot of lies that come with broken families.

Yeah.

You know.

I mean, just hearing you talk like that's a thought that just like it keeps recurring is that you are forced to believe lies.

That, that what's happened is real and it's truth and it's the way that God wanted it to happen.

And it's just not

I, to me that's a piece of profound wisdom that, that once you get that revelation.

Of the truth of the scriptures, then you get mad again.

'cause it's like, well, why didn't you guys get it together?

Like, why didn't you fix all this?

Like, why didn't you

put the blame?

Who are you?

Yeah.

How does that wisdom today?

Let's talk about our kids.

So we say we're never gonna do it, but let's do it.

So how, let's lay in the plane.

What would you do different,

knowing what you know today

about motherhood?

What would you do different?

I had, wait.

Mm-hmm.

I was, let's see, 21 when I had my first baby.

Brian, 23 when I had Amber.

'cause the first baby didn't fix my marriage, so I thought, well, maybe another baby would fix it.

Two.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, and it didn't they also had absentee dads,

not as absentee as my father was because he did.

More my son take him to baseball and sports activities.

Hockey, got him into hockey.

'cause my ex-husband was very he actually played professional hockey with this team in the city, kind of.

Mm-hmm.

I don't know where I was going with that.

What would you do different?

Oh, what would we do different?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would wait

to pass.

You said you would wait, wait.

Before I, and you just told why you would wait.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's all.

Yeah.

What else?

One more.

And then I'll go.

I would spend more time with my kids get them into.

More church activities.

I mean, they all went to Bible or Yeah, Bible study or children's church and

But once they got older, they decided that they didn't want to go anymore and I didn't make them.

So I would be more consistent with.

With their walk with God.

But it also helps to have a spouse who's on the same page.

Yes.

A husband or a wife.

Yes.

It does help.

Like the one thing that keeps surfacing and all our work in our experiences and the people we talk to and the people we listen to is God's Way for Family is the best and only way.

It's the only way.

Amen.

It's the one that lasts for eternity.

Yeah.

And if you think that you're gonna beat that system, you will not.

And if you think that you can manipulate and force your kids and your wife to do it, you're wrong.

And

mom and dad have to be on the same page.

Right.

Hmm.

Very true.

I probably like answering that question.

Looking back, learning what I know about my family.

My dad, they got married or I think my mom was pregnant with me before they got married when she was in high school.

And then my dad left and went to, he was in the Korean War.

Oh, another story.

Yeah, but I wouldn't have gotten married when I did.

I got, I went to college.

I was late, start, graduated when I was 27.

If I could go back, I would not have gotten married.

I would've gone straight into the military straight away, like there would've been graduate, and I'm gone next day like, go do that because.

There's a rhythm of, there's a rhythm of manhood.

Your mom can't be stole manhood on you because she's a woman,

right?

You a, a father can't be stow

daughter hood on his daughter because he's a man,

right?

You just it's the way it is.

Men and women were made differently and women were more emotional and, and caring and nurturing.

And let's not get into the,

yeah,

let's not get into the anything other than traditional, original design, marriage.

'cause you know what,

it is gonna fall apart.

Yeah.

It's not, it's the whole, pick one of 'em.

Any of those options.

They're never gonna last and kids are gonna be ruined, and so are the people in the marriages.

So I'm sure I'll get stuff like that.

Emails for that.

That's what we're here for.

But one of the other things that I noticed is in the lives of my sisters,

they are the opposite

of.

The way that my mother raised us.

They're the opposite.

They're all good moms.

They're all good moms.

And there's no, they're not perfect, but they're good moms.

They're great moms and they got great kids, all of them.

But I think not having a good mom affected the way.

That I understood and treated my first wife.

Mm,

right.

And not like when you don't know what you're doing, but you're supposed to know what you're doing and everybody looks at you to know what's the right thing to do, and you don't know what to do.

You get afraid and then you start trying to control the outcomes.

And then when you try to control the out, a woman, a man, a kid, pick one, they all do it.

We all do it.

But when you try to start controlling outcomes, then you start getting these major problems and then people get hurt because you get outside of the love and the truth that you were talking about and the kindness and trying to understand the other person and loving them gently.

So there's a mess there.

There's a huge mess, and I know that we're father seekers.

That's what we do, but wives are a big part of what we do.

They're huge.

Yeah, great.

When you look at the way God created women

and the beautiful gift and the things that he's charged women with, I mean, they're life givers.

They give life like, and all this women woke stuff.

It's stupid.

It's not gonna work.

It's dumb.

It is tough.

It's like, yeah, it's gonna fall, fail, fall apart.

You know why?

Because it's not God's way.

No,

that's just it.

And if I've learned anything.

I feel like we together separately, and then together we've learned that God's Way is the only way.

It's a good place to close.

True indeed.

Indeed.

Hey, this is Barry and Heather with Father Seekers.

We've talked a lot today about several things.

We hope it helped.

Happy Mother's Day.

We don't usually date ourselves, but Happy Mother's Day.

If you need to forgive your mom, start the process.

You don't have to reconcile.

It's a good thing if you can.

You don't have to reconcile.

Begin the forgiveness.

If you got a great mom, celebrate her loudly and over a long distance of time.

And buddy, if you didn't have a good mom.

Be encouraged.

You got a great wife.

Love her.

Learn how to be a good dad.

Learn how to be a good husband.

We love you.

This is Barry and Heather with Father Seekers.

This is a podcast for watching.

Yes, thank you for watching.

This is Father Seekers.

We love you.

Bye

bye.