Barry delves into seven research-backed habits that strengthen marriages. Discover strategies to deepen your marital bond and build a resilient relationship to last!

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TIMELINE

00:00 The Work of Marriage

00:48 7 Habits for a Strong Marriage

01:14 Habit 1: Communication is Key

04:09 Habit 2: Keep the Flirt Alive

06:15 Habit 3: Listen to Understand

08:27 Habit 4: Forgive Quickly

11:42 Habit 5: Make Time for Each Other

14:03 Habit 6: Dream Together

17:32 Habit 7: Grow as Individuals

21:04 Conclusion and Resources

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Are you aware that a marital relationship.

Takes lots of work.

And what I mean by that is not just adjusting, but about working on your love, your love affair with your wife, your covenant relationship.

It's work.

Many couples lose their marriage or it fades, or it dissipates.

Because they feel stuff or don't feel stuff.

Let's look at the way it's supposed to work.

This is Barry with Father Seekers and this is the podcast Teach Me To Father.

So I want to talk to you about seven observable research supported habits.

Good research can't be denied, so don't throw out the baby with bath water.

Seven, observable support based habits that build an incredibly strong marriage.

Number one.

They talk about everything now for you guys who are quiet guys and you don't like to talk, or vice versa, I'm not just talking about chatty Kathy stuff.

I'm talking about offering communication.

That there is no silent treatment.

There's no guessing games, there's honesty.

I know some couples who communicate extremely well and they say very little, but they have practiced the art of their communication together and they focus and emphasize on those important things that they need to talk about.

And I would also add that over a period of time, as we grow together as couples.

As married couples, one of the things that happens is we be either become more familiar and more connected, or we become separated and unfamiliar with each other and we forget how to communicate with our spouse.

So it's work.

Okay.

About everything.

Couples who are healthy talk about everything.

They address issues early.

They don't let them sit.

They don't allow those, re those issues to create resentment.

They don't speak cruelly to each other.

They speak with kindness and don't be nice.

Niceness is just it's not a good word.

Nice is just acquiescing and agreeing with everything.

Don't be nice.

Be kind.

There's a difference.

Being kind is telling the truth in love and hearing the truth in love.

Communication is regular, not reactive.

Couples who practice Open Emotional Disclosure report 31% higher relationship satisfaction.

That is the Journal of Marriage and Family.

The Gottman Institute found that stonewalling silent treatment predicts divorce.

With over 80% accuracy, healthy couples average five positive interactions for every one negative interaction.

That means you gotta have five positive interactions, bro, to erase that one negative.

And lady, you gotta have five too.

Listen, silence does not keep peace.

We want to be ke peace makers, not peace keepers.

Silence kills intimacy.

Clarity over comfort.

The truth is uncomfortable.

Sometimes

healthy couples talk about everything.

Number two, they still flirt.

I do not I, if I have to tell you what flirting is, then we're in trouble.

We don't do counseling, we don't do marriage counseling, but bro.

Set up a time.

Let's get together.

They still flirt.

Did you know that falling in your, in love with your spouse over and over again is some of the best things you could ever do?

Flirting, you know, you it, it is an art when you're married.

Because you know each other and you know you're, you can't blow smoke.

Flirting signals desire, not just duty it, it's playfulness, it sustains emotional youth attraction is maintained intentionally.

And I would add this, it also keeps your eyes for your wife, and it also ma'am keeps your eyes for your husband if you are flirting in a healthy way.

Here's what's happening in your body.

Personal relationships journal shows flirting increases dopamine and oxytocin, reinforcing pair bonding.

Couples who engage in daily affection rituals have higher sexual and emotional satisfaction.

Long-term couples who maintain playful banter report lower boredom and burnout.

Do you have a spouse that doesn't like to be messed around with all the more reason to mess around?

Make them uncomfortable with your daily affections, and eventually they'll break and they'll start enjoying it.

Flirting says, I choose you and I love you, and I wanna build our romantic relationship together.

Number three.

I hope this is helping you.

It's helping me.

My wife is here in the studio watching, just nodding her head back and forth.

Hmm, too much.

They listen to understand if I'm listening to respond to your heart, and I'm trying to really get what's going on.

There's no way that I could be setting up to try to win an argument.

I'm not trying to usurp a position of argument over you to control you.

That goes both ways.

Clarifying questions help the other understand if you're using questions like that to manipulate, you're wrong.

When we listen, we are validating the feelings, even when we're disagreeing.

I've always learned, especially as I get older, if I listen more, I'll have less to disagree with because I'm understanding the person's heart.

Slow conversations always work better.

Not escalating, not in a time rush.

It's important to have slow conversations.

Active listening reduces conflict intensity by 40%.

Harvard Family Research Project couples trained in empathetic listening show significant drops in reoccurring arguments.

Did you know that if you listen well the first time.

Or maybe the second and you're working through some things together that there's an amazing thing that happens when I try to show empathy to my wife and I begin to, I begin to execute a sense of peace into that situation.

Not only does it help me understand, but it helps her relax and share what's on her heart and not withhold what she really wants to say.

Feeling heard ranks higher than being right in relationships.

Love.

Listen to this.

This is so good.

Love doesn't demand argument.

It requires understanding.

Number four, this one bro, this one's huge.

Healthy couples forgive fast.

Pride never comes before peace.

Even when you're wrong.

Pride never comes before peace.

The repair the they healthy couples choose repairing rather than being right.

They choose repairing quickly rather than an extended conflict to see who wins.

They don't weaponize the past mistakes.

They don't weaponize even information that they might have about you before you are even together about always throwing up the past to you because it seems to be a reoccurring pattern.

So you must still be that way.

That's a lose lose for everybody.

Forgiveness is practiced.

It's not postponed.

Chronic unforgiveness increases stress hormones and emotional withdrawal.

If you're one of those guys who pull back and run to the cave, when you don't share your emotions openly with your wife, then this is that place where that will happen.

Couples who practice rapid repair.

And what I mean by that is not days.

Your schedule may require you to, Hey, let's talk about this tonight, but it's priority.

It's number one.

You may have to postpone momentarily, but not long term.

And long term, I mean by more than a few hours.

Couples who practice rapid repair are far more resilient during long-term stressful situations that we all encounter in our life, our marriage, and with our kids.

Now, listen, forgiveness is linked to lower depression and it's linked to higher marital trust.

If I'm forgiving, I develop this habit inside myself.

Whereby I don't want to disappoint my wife.

So I'm watching my own behavior because I've learned to listen to her and watch her and to see what appeals to her and what doesn't.

So then I am learning how to respond to her, not try to act differently, but how to respond properly and in love.

Unforgiveness keeps score.

Forgiveness is all about keeping love breathing in a couple's relationship.

One of the first, the biggest number one killer of trust and of love.

Squelching love in your husband or wife's heart is being unforgiving about anything.

Now, this is a general statement, but what I'm saying to you, if you're carrying weight from the past.

You'll have to investigate that and work through that, because if it's affecting you today, then it's significant enough to to address and work out.

Number five, an observable habit by healthy married couples.

This is the, this is huge.

They make time.

Even when life gets busy, even when you have a bunch of kids, even when tragedy and catastrophe come.

Healthy couples make time.

In fact, healthy couples make time, and I've seen this practice in over and over and over and over again in the lives of my friends who have healthy marriages and vice versa, friends who don't have healthy marriages.

This is one of the key point and one of the key performance indicators that this is the reason why, because they don't spend time together.

And I'm not just talking about sitting on the couch, playing on your phones or your electronic device, I'm talking about face-to-face interaction date nights.

If you can't afford a date night, figure that out.

You can, but in the meantime, set aside time to get to know your spouse better.

In fun, non chaotic, non catastrophic, non-stressful situations.

We have to guard our connection against distraction.

We have to guard our spouse's heart.

We have to not let their time and their their heart be distracted when it's our time.

Now, there are certainly circumstances that would circumvent what I just said.

But make a key habit of spending time together.

Couples who prioritize weekly quality time, grow stronger emotional bonds so that when the difficult times come and when the, when the hardships come, then they, in fact, those times have been developed and strengthened because you spent that time together.

Even listen.

15 minutes a day improves relational security.

Now, if you're, if you are, like many people I know, especially my entrepreneur friends who own businesses, I'm telling you this is a hard, difficult thing to do.

But the danger is getting in the habit of staying in the rhythm of not spending time together.

15 minutes a day isn't.

If you don't have 15 minutes a day, you are too busy.

Number six, dream together.

Healthy couples dream together.

Do you have goals for your marriage where you want to be in a year?

2, 4, 5? Are your hearts aligned?

Do you have the same dreams?

Do you wanna accomplish the same things?

Do you wanna go to the same places in life?

I have a friend of mine, his name is James and he, he had this desire to, to marry the right gal and for over a year.

He prayed, he, he sought the places in his heart that needed work and repair.

He developed himself as a godly man, but in the same, at the, the exact parallel timing of that process and that work, he began to make a list of the kind of gal that he wanted to marry, and at the right time.

In the right season.

God gave him.

The lady that had they have, they're so similar in their dreams, their likes, their hobbies.

They're different, but they're so similar in their dream dreaming together that it's all it's unbelievable.

If you didn't know James' story about praying.

For his wife, are they perfect?

Either one of them, absolutely not, but they are on the same track, and I will tell you that if you are dreaming together with your wife and you are dreaming together with your husband, ma'am.

That your life is going to be more valuable and you will find more worthy pursuits in life if you're on the same page.

Couples who have shared term, shared long-term goals.

Show higher commitment and resilience.

There are times when you need something to carry you through, to push you through that you're committed to together.

Sometimes just having that goal, that dream that keeps you focused on one thing, will keep you moving forward through difficult times.

When we share meaning and we, we increase.

The likelihood of emotional disengagement when we reduce our sharing.

Lemme say that again.

If I'm reducing my sharing my dreaming, the meaning of what I want to do and how I want to do it, if I withhold that and reduce that, then I'm going to reduce emotional engagement.

Dream alignment strengthens partnership and identity.

It brings us to the point of us over me.

Dream together.

If you think you can't dream, pick a small thing and dream about it, and then go do it, and God will increase your ability to dream if you just ask him.

Number seven, it's a really good one.

These all are really good ones.

I wish I'd have heard these 30 years ago.

Hmm.

They grow as individuals.

Healthy couples are growing together.

I, my wife and I, Heather, we have about, I think six couples that we.

We hang out with and we do life together.

Not, not all at the same time, but, but we are over periods of, of a month.

We, we all connect at least once together.

And some of those same couples, matter of fact, they're all, they all are in, in the same crew, which is beautiful.

It's a beautiful thing.

Like we're all friends, we're all close, we're all tight, we're all different ages and.

And we are watching each other grow in each respective marriage.

But in your marriage, in your relationship with your husband or wife, healthy marriages grow together.

In other words, you're not exactly alike, but you're growing together emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially.

You're walking together.

You're not just leaving one or the other behind.

Personal growth does this.

Personal growth fuels relational health.

If you are growing together in a particular area, that helps pull you both along.

Here's an example.

If you, if you are studying scripture together and one of you is ahead of the other, you're still doing it together and you're growing together.

Together.

And as you share in exchange, you're going to understand more about how your spouse thinks about spiritual things.

So that's a key play, a key investment in your marriage is to, to grow together as individuals.

You, I've run across this a lot.

You can't blame your spouse for not growing.

Along with you.

If you are always leaving them behind, you can't.

You've got to walk with them and they with you.

This is incredible.

Individuals committed to self-growth report, greater relationship stability.

What that means is how are you developing yourself in life?

As a person, as a vocational professional, as an entrepreneur, as a wife, a husband, a mom, a dad.

How are you developing yourself?

How are you growing?

You, We, we all always have to be growing.

One of my coaches told me, he said, if you will read, and this is an example, if you will read 10 pages a day every day.

Which takes, depending on what you're reading, it takes less than 30 minutes.

And don't say you don't have time to read, 'cause you do make time.

But you can read some people faster than that.

But you can read 10 pages a day.

He said at the end of the year, do you realize how many books you've read?

I said, no, not really.

And he said this, he said, by the end of the year, if you read 10 pages a day on average, you'll have read 30 books a year.

Because the average book is 10 to 12 chapters, so you can do the math real quick in your head.

If I'm always growing, if I'm always growing together with my spouse, there's this drive to grow together.

Now, here they are again, talking, flirting, listening, forgiving, showing up, dreaming.

And growing, talking, flirting, listening, forgiving, showing up, dreaming and growing.

Build those habits into your life.

Go to our website, father seekers.org and download.

I'll never say I'm sorry again, ebook, it's free.

Never say I'm sorry again.

Father seekers.org/resources.

This is Barry with Father Seekers and this is the podcast.

Teach Me to Father