I told one of my girlfriends the other day that despite being in serious relationships, I've always kind of felt single. And she said, me too. This episode is what came out of that.

I'm not talking about single in the fun, hitting-the-town way. I'm talking about feeling like I've never really had a man fully choose me across every defining relationship since college. The marriage. The boyfriends. The affair with a married man. Different relationships, different roles, same feeling underneath all of it.

I get into the elephant in the room — yes, my last relationship was with a married man, so of course there were limits on what was available. But this feeling didn't start there. It's been there in every serious relationship I've had. I dig into the question I've never asked myself before: have I been falling in love with potential instead of who's actually in front of me?

I get into the difference between feeling lonely and feeling alone, why I think the word partner is overused, and the kind of relationship I actually want now that I know what I've been missing. I share what my friend said about her marriage that completely shifted how I think about companionship versus best friendship. And I get honest about the grief that comes with realizing the relationship you wanted might never have been the one you were in.

Whether you're married, divorced, the other woman, or somewhere in between, if you've ever been in something serious and still gone to bed feeling like you were on your own, this one is for you.

New episodes every Thursday.

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So what does it mean if you've been in serious relationships on and off throughout your adult life, but you've still always kind of felt single? Happy Thursday, everybody. Welcome to the Scarlet Edit. I am your host, Nikki Corbett, and that is what we're going to talk about this week. First off, if you are not already following me on Instagram, I would absolutely love it if you would go and give a follow over there. The handle is at thescarlet.edit.

So let's talk about it. Let's talk about this feeling of being single while in a relationship. Or I guess it's not a feeling of being single, it's a feeling of feeling single. So what does that mean? You know, when I said that, it is not something I had been thinking about. wasn't anything that had crossed my mind. But then all of a sudden, the words came out of my mouth and I was like, what's going on? Like, wow.

Is that true? Is that really how I feel? Is that really how I felt? And in looking back, yeah, it was. It is. It was. is, however you want to phrase it as. So the question is why? And the question is, am I the only one? And I think I already answered that question, because like I said, I mentioned this to just a girlfriend. And

she said, hey, me too. Our relationship histories couldn't be more different. She had a very serious relationship in her early 20s, and over the course of some years was single, dated a bit, did her own thing, and then met the man that she's now married to and has some kids with. So for that gap though,

to look back and to be able to name a handful of, a handful, that sounds like a lot, doesn't it? No, I don't mean it like that, but I mean, to be able to name different people she dated short term, maybe a boyfriend that was around for a few months, and to realize she still always kind of felt single too. And then for me, my relationship history is totally different. When I look back,

I feel like I have had four significant relationships since college. But I will say, in each of those, I always kind of felt single. And not single in the way of like, yeah, I'm single, I'm hitting the town, I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna meet people and guys and do all the things. I'm talking single in the way that I didn't always feel like the person, the person. I didn't always feel like he had my back. I didn't always feel...

like I could completely let go. I didn't always feel like I could trust enough to be taken care of.

And isn't that sad? I certainly think it is. I think it's sad because...

I don't know. I think that's the dream, at least for me. The dream for me is to have someone that I can exhale completely with, that I can feel like I can really, really count on them, that I can feel like they have my back no matter what.

And there might be some people who hear me say that and go like, well, wait, what do you mean? You don't want somebody to be able to call you out? Of course I do. If we're having a discourse in private, that's just the two of us, I want it to be radically honest. I want it to be very open. ⁓ But what I mean by have my back is like in public, out and about in the world, I want to feel like that person's got me.

even if I end up acting like an idiot or if I am being out of line,

That, to me, is the dream, that he is my best friend, that he is someone that I look to and lean on for all types of things. If I'm having a bad day, I want him to be my first call.

Does that make sense? I want him to be my first call.

So it got me thinking a bit more. Is this just how it is? Is this just, ⁓ well, this is what it is. You're going out in the world. You're dating different people. You're having relationships with different people. And you're learning what works and what doesn't. You're evolving as a woman. He's evolving as a man. And you're figuring things out. And I guess in a lot of ways, yes, that is totally fair. ⁓

And then, because you think about it, right? You think about getting married. The divorce rate is over 50 % right now. So you think about with marriage, it's like, is that just an out? Is saying all of that like, well, we grew differently or we changed or he couldn't meet me at where I was able to give to or vice versa. And is that reason enough for divorce? I mean, I think honestly, that's a whole other topic, the whole like,

married and divorced and how people view marriage and the sanctity of marriage. So I'm not gonna go too deep into that because I don't wanna go down that path. Actually, that's a conversation I would really love to have with somebody else on this show. ⁓ But for this is like, is that just maybe kind of how it all works? I mean, we all know, I've been very honest on this podcast. My last relationship was

I was the other woman. It was with a man who was married. So it would be very easy for any of you listening to be like, well, duh, of course you weren't completely fulfilled. Of course you had moments where you still felt single because in a lot of people's eyes, you still were single. You know, I have wondered lately actually quite a bit because I've been getting more and more messages from you who are listening and gosh, I love those messages so much. I am so grateful that you all have found this podcast and I am so grateful that you trust me enough.

to reach out to me with your stories and to share with me how it is that you are feeling. ⁓ That to say, I guarantee a lot of people think it's insane and maybe even get offended by the fact that I call my ex, my ex-boyfriend. I mean, I do, because to me, he was my boyfriend. I treated him like a boyfriend. I mean, he treated me like a girlfriend. So...

I do say my ex. And so yes, in that relationship, yes, he had a whole ass family. He had a wife. He had all of these things. So how was he expected to give to them and also to me? It was tough. And that is certainly one of the challenges of being involved in somebody who has other people. Because you, we, most of us,

as women, even as men, we get into a relationship and growing that relationship and moving it to the next level is usually part of the plan. And so when you get to that point where it is not moving, it is not going any further, then you can have these feelings of like, okay, well, I do feel like I'm kind of single. Relationships are so great.

at the beginning because they are, because that's like you're getting to know the person, you're having all this fun. It's like they call it the honeymoon phase for a reason. And then when you have to live together and share bills and do household chores, you know, one of the things that I absolutely hate doing, I hate taking out the trash. Is it hard? No. Is it?

something that has to be done every day, also no. But do I hate it? Yes, I hate it. And I have been taking out my own trash since my divorce happened and I moved out on my own. And I can't wait till there's one day when I don't have to take out the trash. Now watch, I'll end up with a man who hates to take out the trash and I'll still be taking out the trash. But my point is with saying all of this is,

Maybe that feeling of I've always felt kind of single, maybe that's just common. Maybe it's more common than I realized. Again, when I said that, it is not something that I had thought about. It just came out. So, and then when my friend said, hey, me too, then I thought, well, holy shit, like, should I think about this more? Is this something I should talk about a little bit more? Should we have a deeper discussion on this? Because

Maybe other people have felt that way too. And maybe that is just a part of it. Maybe it's just a part of it, but it's a part that isn't actualized, it isn't verbalized because there's so many other things that we're thinking about as we're involved in these relationships and figuring out is this the right person for me?

So with each of those men, it's like, what was available to me? And what was it that I didn't receive that caused that feeling of singleness, that caused that feeling of, okay, I have to take care of this myself. I have to take care of that myself. Does it boil down to trust that I didn't trust somebody to do certain things for me? Does it boil down to that I'm simply,

you know, attracting the wrong types of people and how can I change that? Does it boil down to maybe I'm just picking the wrong people? Maybe I'm seeing something in someone, maybe I'm seeing potential in someone and choosing to fall in love with potential, then to fall in love with what's actually sitting in front of me. And then having these moments where I'm unable to access what I wanted, which was the potential, because the potential never materialized.

I mean, maybe that's something, maybe that's a part of it. I've never said that, I've never even thought that. That just came here, right here, right now.

Am I onto something there? Is that true that we put just more weight on chemistry and intimacy and having our needs met? So all of those thoughts are at the forefront of these relationships. And so it's more about that and less about how do I feel in this relationship? Do I feel like a mutual partner? Now, can I just caveat for a moment and say, I...

Hate, okay, hate is a strong word. I try not to use hate unless something, really, really hate it. So I strongly dislike that partner is now the main word to describe a significant other. And I don't understand why it's become so popular. I mean, I certainly get it. I get it. Because I was even, as I was writing out my thoughts for this, I said how...

I had felt that I never really had a true partner. And I feel like it gets convoluted though, because that's what everybody is using to refer to their boyfriend or their girlfriend or even their husband these days. And I don't necessarily agree. I don't think that, I don't know. mean, is it strange to be 48 and to say this is my boyfriend? I mean, I don't know.

Is it strange to be 70 and say, this is my boyfriend, this is my girlfriend? I don't know. But I also don't wanna be always saying partner. I just think it sounds overused. So

is it that we're putting all of these other things at the forefront of our thoughts and figuring out, know, hey, is this a person I can go on the long journey with? Is this the person I'm gonna be sitting on the front porch in my rocking chair when I'm 80, hanging out, shooting the shit, talking about life, drinking a glass of wine? And is it more about all of that versus

How do I actually feel when I am with this person? Do I feel single? Do I feel like I've got that companion, that best friend, that ride or die, that person that's got my back no matter what? Is that how I feel? And are we, are we?

Are we aware enough of those feelings?

I don't know. What do you think? Tell me. I'm so curious.

And then as we're going through relationships and feeling like we are alone or feeling like we are lonely, there's a difference between feeling lonely and feeling alone. Now walk with me on this. Feeling lonely I think is more of a fleeting feeling. know, oh I feel lonely, there's nobody around this weekend and I really wanna go out. Oh I feel lonely because...

Even though I'm comfortable going out to dinner by myself, I'd rather not. But I just moved to this city, and I don't have a ton of friends. Feeling alone, I think, is like, man, I really don't feel like I have anyone. And I don't really feel like I've got anyone that cares. That sucks. That's like the worst feeling. That's the shittiest place to be. And even if you do have family,

if you have people in your life, sometimes if you're missing those key people, you can still feel really alone. So yeah, I kind of look at those two emotions differently, lonely is more, it can come and go, whereas alone can feel more constant until you get some different people in your life to make you feel like you have a little bit more of a sense of community.

This week's episode, once again, is brought to you by me. And if you're like, Nikki, what do you mean it's brought to you by you? We're here every week. We listen to you, yap. Well, if you don't know, I do offer coaching in a one-on-one environment. I also offer 60-minute one-on-ones if you just need someone to talk to. Obviously, I am not a therapist. I am not a counselor. But I have been through some shit. And I offer a judge-free environment.

for you to talk to somebody else who has been there. So just head to my website. There is a section called Work With Me. You can fill out the form and we can see what works best for you. Let's get back to the episode.

So as we're going through these relationships and certain ones end, there's always a grieving process, a mourning process where you kind of sit there and you either feel bad because you were the one that was broken up with, or you feel bad because you were the one who did the breaking up. And I don't think that's always given as much credit as credit is due for the person that has the courage to end a relationship because it's really hard.

It's really hard and it's really sad and I will say it feels really really bad when you know that you're hurting somebody because you're choosing yourself even when you know that choosing yourself is the

best thing to do. And we've all been there. I was even talking with a friend ⁓ last week who has a high school aged daughter and she had been dating another high school boy and she had got to the point where she didn't view it as anything romantic and she knew she needed to tell him. So her plan was to tell him that that day when they were getting together to go on a little dating outing.

And I guess she got home and she told her parents, I was too scared, I felt too bad, I couldn't do it. And she like burst into tears. And God, it's like that broke my heart for her. But it's like, I also, I get it. If you're listening and you've broken up with somebody, you get it. It sucks to know that you're gonna hurt somebody ⁓ because you're choosing yourself. But ultimately, you know, I am the biggest advocate of choosing yourself because...

If you don't take care of you, who's going to? So naturally, as we continue on this path of life, this journey of life, we're going to have those moments where we do choose ourselves. And that does come at the expense of somebody else's feelings. And there are those grieving moments. So along this topic, I thought about ⁓ grieving the relationship that you didn't get. Grieving.

the relationship that you know you really want, grieving the relationship that you have dreamed of and that you hoped this relationship could turn into, but then it didn't.

But if you're also ending it and realizing that you weren't

what it was that you need or what it was that you wanted, you're not only mourning that relationship, but then you're also some ways mourning what you had wanted and thinking like, okay, well, am I ever gonna get that? Is that ever going to come to me? Is that ever gonna be realistic or am I just sitting here daydreaming?

constantly and hoping for something that isn't going to arrive.

I think something that's not talked about enough is how much people grow and change. And it's almost impossible to teach it, because we don't know. We don't realize it until we're doing it ourselves. I mean, sure, is it something that we can talk to younger women and younger men about? Like, hey, when you're getting into a relationship, it's so important to understand that you're going to continue to evolve. You're going to continue to grow and change.

You're gonna continue on this path of becoming that's gonna have ups and downs and sharp turns that you never anticipated until you get to them. And the person that you're with is gonna be along for those rides while navigating their own ups and downs, their own lefts and rights, their own massive changes that they never saw coming. So.

How are you going to navigate that together? I mean, I love when I see people that have been together for 20 plus years. And I am so grateful that I have some friends in my life who are there and who legitimately still love each other, who legitimately have a wonderful relationship, who legitimately continue to choose the other and support the other as they're on their own.

journeys of evolving and changing and careers and navigating children and all of the things that come along with being human. I love seeing that because it makes me believe that yes, it is possible. But then I'm wondering like, how do you teach that? How do you how do you teach that to a point where you can say like, hey, you know, it is okay, if you get to a point where a relationship is just no longer suiting you. But to also not just call it

right when one thing goes wrong.

Because that's almost like if you're not willing to work for something, are you ever gonna get what it is that you want?

I'm sitting here thinking about the relationship that I want for me. And all of us are different. All of us, what we want and what we feel will fill our souls, it's so different. As I was talking through this a little bit with my friend the other day, she made a comment that her husband is her true companion and she wanted to marry him because she loved him and she knew that he would be her guy.

till the end. She knew that she wanted to have children with him. She knew he would be an excellent father. She knew that they could have that lifelong companionship. But she put a differentiator between companionship and friendship. And I was like, OK, tell me more. And she said, well, look, I've got you guys. I've got my best friends. I didn't need a man to come along and be my best friend, but I needed him for all of these other reasons and for the companionship.

and for knowing that he's got me. And I thought, wow, that's so interesting. And she's like, yeah, she's like, sometimes he's not my first call if I have something that I'm struggling with. Because sometimes I know that I'm going to get better advice and somebody who can actually talk through it with me differently. Of course, I'll end up talking with him about it, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's always my first call. But I know that he's my ride or die. And so it was so fascinating hearing somebody else's perspective.

on their own life and what it is that they need and what it is that they want. So it got me thinking more deeply, okay, what is it that I want? Like, and do I really want that best friend? You know, in one of Taylor Swift's recent songs from her latest album, she said, I have a best friend. You know, she said, God, please give me a best friend who I think is hot. And I was like, yeah, uh-huh, that's what I want. And so I think for me, that really is what I want. I do want that person to be.

my best friend, that person, that man. I want that man to be my best friend. And obviously, who I think is hot. Isn't hot so subjective and just so much fun? Because we're all so different. And somebody who just really lights one of your friends on fire, you look at it you're like, OK, he's nice. Not for me. That's just the beauty. That's just the beauty. I love it so much. OK, I'm going to wrap this up.

I'm sitting here going, am I gonna edit this all together and have it make sense? I hope so. I really hope that there was a good through line through all of this and that you guys are getting here right now and you're like, yeah girl, we got it. We got what you were talking about. ⁓ my gosh. Well, as always, thank you guys so much for being here. I absolutely love this freaking podcast. I'm having the time of my life.

If you have not already rated this show, please just go and tap it. Tap those five stars. It does help with the algorithm. It really does like make my day. So thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening.

New episodes of the Scarlet Edit come out every Thursday. We'll see you next week.