Welcome to another empowering episode of Superheroes in Heels! I’m Kimberley Borgens, and today I’m diving deep into one of the most insidious issues that steals confidence from brilliant, capable women every single day—learned helplessness. As someone who has spent over 30 years paving my own path and finding success in male-dominated industries, I’ve seen firsthand how silently and powerfully this conditioning operates beneath the surface.

In this episode, I want to shine a spotlight on the subtle ways women—often high achievers and go-getters—can be trapped into believing they’re stuck, unable to change their outcomes, or unworthy of speaking up and taking charge. We’ll bust the myth that learned helplessness only affects people who “look” helpless, and I’ll share real-life examples of how this mindset quietly creeps into our businesses, our careers, our relationships, and our everyday decisions.

I’ll walk you through the specific ways learned helplessness shows up in professional language and behavior, from shrinking back in meetings to undercharging for your expertise, tolerating disrespectful partnerships, and talking yourself out of bold moves. You’ll hear why so many of us end up prioritizing comfort over leadership and how that comfort zone can become a cage—no matter how cozy it may appear.

But most importantly, I’m giving you tools to break out. I’ll share actionable strategies to help you collect evidence of your capability, stop waiting for permission, make decisions with confidence, shift your self-talk, and put yourself in rooms that stretch your growth. Together, we’ll challenge the status quo and remind ourselves—and each other—that we were not born to play small.

If you’ve ever caught yourself hesitating, doubting, or waiting for someone else to notice your potential, this episode is your wake-up call. Let’s identify those places where we unconsciously accept helplessness, reclaim our power, and become the bold, decisive leaders we were meant to be. Get ready to unleash your inner superhero—because your confidence, your business, and your future depend on it.

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Superheroes in Heels is all about fiercely empowering women in business—especially in male-dominated industries. Each episode is a celebration of resilience, competence, and a little sass, and we’re just getting started.

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Until next time, keep showing up, standing tall, and wearing those heels like the superhero you are.

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Welcome to Superheroes in Heels, the podcast where powerful women rise, lead and own the room. I'm Kimberley Borgens, your host, fellow trailblazer, and unapologetic advocate for women in the world of business. With over 30 years of experience building success in a male dominant industry, I'm here to empower you to do the same. Each week you'll hear bold conversations with inspiring guests who embody strength, resilience, a little dash of sass, and a little bit of grace. Together, we'll challenge the status quo, break through barriers, unlock your confidence, and unleash your inner superhero. You ready? Let's go. Hello, listeners.

Today I'm talking about something that quietly steals confidence from brilliant women every single day. And it's a sneaky one. And that is. You ready? Learned helplessness. And it's sneaky because women are walking around with learned helplessness that don't even look helpless. Like ladies with learn helplessness. They're, they're high achievers, they're capable, they're over functioning, they're exhausted, right? And, but underneath all of that, they've slowly been conditioned to believe that nothing that I ever do is going to change the outcome or I'll probably fail anyway, I should just settle, right? Or someone else probably knows better than me, it's easier not to speak up. Doesn't create hassle.

That, my friends, ladies, is learned helplessness. And today I want to rip the bandage off of it. I want to talk about the things that most people don't talk about. And I know you're going, Kimberley, what is learned helplessness exactly? Seriously? Well, learned helplessness happens when someone experiences repeated situations where they feel pain, powerless. And eventually what happens is they stop trying to change the outcome. So they just get into this belief that they're stuck there. And no matter what opportunities appear later, even if they could succeed at that opportunity, their brain has already been trained to expect defeat, right? It's a psychological conditioning. And women, we get stuck in this all the time.

We, we get a master class from this, from a very young age, right? We've heard it all. Be nice, don't rock the boat, don't intimidate people, right? Don't be too much, don't be emotional, don't be aggressive, smile more, stay humble, wait your turn. Meanwhile, the men are over there confidently applying for jobs and positions that we want where they're only 40% qualified for the enthusiasm that they have. Like a golden retriever chasing a tennis ball, right? But women who wait until we're 110% ready. That's conditioning. That's learned helplessness. Here's an example. I know somebody who gets Section 8 housing.

I have no judgment on that whatsoever, okay? And if you don't know what that is, it's reduced housing costs. That's subsidized by the federal government, okay? But this person works a full time job. Their boss wants to give them a raise. They make more people already than the average person who might be on Section eight. Okay? But they tell their boss that they cannot go higher than X amount of dollars because then they would lose their Section 8 housing. Ladies. That's learned helplessness. And by the way, their raise would have exceeded the subsidized funding that they would get from the feds.

They would have made more money, but they just would have had to pay more rent. Like, it didn't. It didn't make sense in my brain, but it made sense to them. So. Oh, my goodness. I mean, think about that for a moment. What in your life could be something like this person's like, what are you holding on to that, oh, no, I can't go higher than this, or I can't ask for more money here. I can't.

Right? That's really what I wanted to share with you today. And before I help you shift out of that, because I really want you to shift out of that, I just want to say, you know, head over to Kimberleyborgans.com check out the free resources that I have there, and if you want more resources, then go to the Hive Hangout and join me over there. So let's talk about how the learn helplessness shows up in our business. Because, you know, I'm about. I'm a business girl. Okay? All right, here's the thing. Learn helplessness rarely looks dramatic, okay? It quite often looks very professional. You just don't even know that you're doing it.

But it shows up in phrases like I'm not ready yet, or maybe next year. Or how about I'll wait till things calm down a little bit. Well, I got to get this other certification. I should probably lower my prices because I'm not getting the people to pay what I have. I don't want to bother anyone. I'm just lucky to be here. Oh, she's busy to take my call. Are you hearing yourself in any of these? Okay, that.

Stop it. You got to stop saying these things. These are stinking thinking, as my friend Dana used to say, right? This is not humility. This is fear wearing a business suit. And the longer that women stay there the more expensive it becomes, right? You're paying a huge price for that. Learned helplessness versus being confident and stepping into making the decisions necessary. Even when they're uncomfortable, it shows up. The cost that you're paying is in your partnerships, right? This is how expensive it can become.

You have partnerships where the partner disrespects you, but you stay in that partnership. You tolerate difficult employees because confrontation feels scary. You undercharge despite massive expertise. You let vendors treat you poorly. You avoid visibility because criticism feels unsafe. You stop pitching yourself for opportunities. You hide and you're just waiting for people to give you something. You'll take anything.

You shrink your voice in meetings, networking events. You let the who do you think you are? Voice visit. And the confidence, your confidence. You convince yourself that women are different than you, right? But they're not any different. They just have a different behavior that they're coming from. They're not using learned helplessness. Many women simply just decide that there's no longer an availability for helplessness. They go past it.

They get. They get beyond what they were expected to, you know, conform to, you know, from childhood. So just know there is space for you to move out of this. So why do women struggle with this? Well, women have been, you know, carrying these subtle messages that, you know, teaches dependence on other people, teaches caution. You got to stay safe. I don't want you to get hurt. Or approval seeking, right? Oh, you didn't ask my permission. Or why do you think you get to do that? Right? And here's the hard truth.

Sometimes the world rewards women for playing small. Yep, I said it. People may like you more, for example, when you don't challenge things, right? You don't negotiate. You don't speak too loudly. You don't outgrow others. You don't make people uncomfortable with your ambition. Right? People want you to stay where they are. They don't want you to move.

Because what happens is, is if you move, they either have to move or they realize the relationship has to shift. And I've talked about this in previous podcast episodes, so go back and listen to some of the past ones. But here's the thing about leadership. Leadership requires discomfort. Command presence requires discomfort. Growth requires discomfort. I mean, ask any tree or plant, or at least go watch it. You can see it's not comfortable.

And learn. Helplessness convinces women to avoid discomfort at all costs. Right? What do you. What are we thinking, ladies? That's why some women, they ask for permission instead of making decisions. They. They are constantly seeking reassurance from Other people, they're second guessing themselves over and over again, or they wait for someone to pick them instead of them going and saying, hey, I'm taking the lead, here's who I want to bring with me. Meanwhile, there's other women with half the skills and double the confidence cashing the checks. That's not because she's better.

It's because she's decided to move beyond how she feels uncomfortable. She'll move beyond it before she even has felt fully certain. I mean, come on, that's what it takes. Look, I have to say, I. I recently just purchased a new vehicle because my. I was in a car accident. It totaled my. My vehicle.

So I just recently purchased one. And I have to admit, like, when I thought because I flew somewhere to buy this vehicle, okay, many states away, and I was gonna have to drive this car back, and my first thought was, no, I'll just find a car here, I'll settle for something less. And I was like, no, I don't want to drive back multiple states, multiple days to have this vehicle. It was uncomfortable for me to do it by myself for the first time. I mean, I've flown all over by myself. I've, you know, traveled by myself to, you know, local states or, you know, connecting states, but this was like eight states away. It took me a minute to go, what are you thinking, Kimberley? Like, just get on the plane and go get the car. But I caught myself in it.

So just know, like, it. It happens to the best of us. We just have to catch ourselves in it because the danger. There's a danger in comfort zone. Okay, Learn. Helplessness creates a fake sense of safety. Look, I'm in the safety space. That's what I do for a living.

And I can tell you that, that it's not safe for women to stay in that zone of comfort because it just feels safe. It's not safe. It's holding you back. It's keeping you from your God given talents. Everything that you were meant to do in business. And I'm telling you it's time to feel a little unsafe so that you can really have safety. Not a false sense of safety. Right? We tell ourselves a lot of times as women, at least it's predictable, right? At least I'll know what to expect.

At least I won't fail publicly. I mean, seriously. But what are we really doing when we do that? We're building a cage with comfortable furniture. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be in a cage at all. So I don't care if the furniture is comfortable or not. Right? So you want to really think about that for a minute, you know, and, and I'm going to say this is that some women become so accustomed to this survival mode, because that's really what it is. That, that, that survival mode, that peace and expansion actually feels really uncomfortable, right? This is why so many women stay in abusive relationships. Whether it's intimate relationships, family relationships, business relationships, because it's known, it's predictable, you at least know what to expect.

You know, they're going to talk down to you or you know, they're going to, you know, hit you or they, you know, hopefully not. That's, you know, that's one of my dear things close to my heart. I don't want that for women at all. But what happens when you stay in these bad relationships? We do it because we know what to expect. We know, we know it's going to be uncomfortable and it's comfortable in the uncomfortable, right? Learn. Helplessness has been ingrained so deeply in us that that thinking doesn't change until you become completely aware of it. Look, chaos for some people is familiar. Struggle becomes identity for some people, overworking becomes validation.

So when an opportunity arrives, they sabotage it, right? They delay it, they question it, they talk themselves out of it. Look, I love my mother in law, all right? I am not going to bash her. What I'm going to say is, when my husband and I first got married, we went on this camping trip with his family and I was going to start the fire. And she said, oh, Kimberley, don't start a fire. And I'm like, well, why not? She said, well, if you do, they're going to make you start it all the time. She said, don't let them know that you know how to do things or they'll want you to do it all the time. Okay? Y', all, this didn't sit right with me and it became a bit of an issue. And I, at that time, I lost some respect from my mother in law.

I admit it, okay? She was enforcing learned helplessness, right? But I wanted to teach my kids that they can go after anything. And she was saying, no, don't do that. So yes, we worked this out, okay, Many, many years ago. But it was just, it's just another example of how it shows up. It's something simple. Her mindset was really, look, I don't want them to make me have to do it all the time because I know how to do it. She, you know, that was her come from, and I get it, but that's not how it came across. It took a little bit of conversation for us to understand that.

And so, you know, how can you do it differently? I know for me, that was not okay with me. So let me give you some solutions. You have your pen and paper ready because I know there's some solutions here that you'll want to, you'll want to do. One of the ways to change the game is to start collecting evidence of capability. Look, I say women, you are way more capable than you give yourself credit for. And your brain believes repetition. If you give your brain an instruction, it will do what it can to follow that instruction. And it doesn't even have to be the truth for it for the brain to do that.

You can give your brain an instruction that you know, I am smart and you don't even feel smart, but it'll start finding evidence of ways to show you that you are smart. That's an example. I am confident. Maybe you don't feel confident. But if you start saying that and you give your brain an instruction as part of your reticular activating system. Just so you know, if you want to go research a little bit more about it, but what happens is you have to stop rehearsing failure and you have to start documenting the wins. You have to start documenting the compliments, right? The problems that you have solved, the brave moments that you've stepped into, the leadership decisions that came out well, even they might have even surprised you, right? You want to document your client's results. Testimonies, right? Look, women remember criticism like it's engraved in stone.

And we forget accomplishments by Tuesday afternoon, okay? We need to shift that around. We need to start creating the evidence, right, that you are not helpless, that you are qualified, that you make sound decisions like my mother in law story. Look, I just asked my husband or my kids to start a fire. If I don't want to do it, okay, I'm not bound to doing it just because I'm capable. I'm also capable of asking for help. I'm also capable of saying of delegating. I'm also capable, right? So much more, ladies. You know, when I go out and I speak sometimes I give encouragement.

Files is what I call them. And I tell people, you know, when you have wins, when you have testimonies, when you, somebody sends you a thank you card, somebody said, gives you a compliment, all of those things, you put them in that file of encouragement. Here, I'm asking you to do the same thing. Just you can put it on your phone, in the notes of your phone, Create a file with all the wins, all the compliments, all the brave moments, those testimonies, anything that. That says you did well today. And then when you have a tough day, you have a hard time remembering that you are capable, because days are going to happen like that. You just open up that file and you remind yourself, stop focusing on those things that, you know, that criticism that somebody said that not one thing when you had 10 things that were wonderful, but you forgot it by Tuesday, right? So that's one way that you can do it. The second way you can, you can shift this is stop waiting for permission, all right? You don't need anybody's permission, okay? I'm not talking about breaking the law, all right? But I'm talking about permissions, right? There is no universal approval, okay? There.

You got to stop waiting for permission for the uniform, the universe, right? You just get to decide. You don't need another title, you don't need another certification. You don't need everybody to agree with you, because guess what? Not everybody's going to, right? You don't have to wait for perfect confidence. Confidence is built after you take action, not before. You can't wait till you have confidence before you do something because it won't show up. You're going to be sitting there waiting a long time. So you got to show up, take the actions, and that confidence just gets built automatically. That's what I want you to stop waiting for.

Permission. Number three, make decisions faster. I know that sounds crazy for my analytical people out there. We get into analysis paralysis. But as one analyst to another, I can tell you you can make quicker decisions. You know, learned helpless helplessness creates, you know, chronic hesitation. Oh, I gotta wait till I have all the details or, oh, I don't know, what if, you know, somebody doesn't like me? Or, you know, all of those things. But strong leaders decide.

We make decisions. They're not perfect, but they're decisive, okay? You build trust with yourself every single time you make a choice to handle the outcome. Every time you make a choice and you handle the outcome of whatever decision that you make, right? Like I said, I make a decision and then I make the decision, right? Every time you do that, you build trust in yourself. That builds that confidence. That's that action step, right? So make decisions faster. Number four, watch your language. Like, I say that a lot to my kids. You know, I have kids that were.

They're military people, okay? They're in the military or they've been in the military. I'm married to a. A military man. Right. They have this F word. You all know it. I don't like that word. I don't allow them to use that word around me.

Okay? I tell them, what's your language? And they go, sorry, Mom. Right. Or they'll go. They'll. They'll start it, but they. They don't finish. Right. Because they know that I have set a boundary.

That. That's not acceptable for me. So think about the language that you're giving yourself. Are you setting a boundary around that? Pay attention to the phrases that you're using. Like, I'm sorry, oh, I'm sorry, I'm late, or I'm sorry, I didn't get that to you fast enough, or I'm sorry, stop saying you're sorry if you're late. Say, thank you for your patience. I got here as fast as I could. Right.

Instead of calling. I'm sorry. Thank them for. For whatever that skill is that. That, you know, that they're stepping into or they're sharing with you or that you need to share with them. Okay. Or how about this phrase? This might sound stupid, or correct me if I'm wrong. Okay.

That doesn't help anything. That means that you're prepared, that what you have to say is wrong. You're not confident in what you're saying. I. From my perspective. I would say something from my perspective. Did I miss anything? Right. It allows them to tell me if I.

If they feel that I missed something. But it wasn't because I was wrong, and it wasn't because I sounded stupid. Maybe I didn't have all the information, and they're helping me with that. So shift your language a little bit. And then another one that comes out. A lot is. I don't know if this matters. It matters, right? Stop shrinking your communication before you even speak out.

Command presence starts with language. I'm here. I'm ready. What do you need from me? Oh, you don't know what's on the agenda? Well, I. I know what's on the agenda, but I wanted to make sure that. That I cover everything that you need from me. Then if there's something hidden in the agenda, it comes out. You're prepared.

You're the one who's leading. All right. And number five, put yourselves in rooms that stretch you. You know, nothing breaks helplessness faster than evidence that you can survive discomfort. Speak on the stage, ladies. Pitch the idea. Raise the price of your products or services. Lead the meeting.

Go to the networking Event, apply for the position anyway. Your nervous system needs proof that growth is survivable. The way to shift out of learn helplessness is to not be weak in it. Remember, it's not weakness, it's conditioning. And conditioning can be broken one brave decision at a time. You can break that conditioning. It's one uncomfortable conversation at a time. One bold move at a time.

Are you understanding, ladies? Look, we were not born to sit quietly hoping somebody notices our potential. We were built to lead. We were built to decide. We were built to influence. We were built to walk into rooms with certainty. We were built to create an impact. How do I know this to be true? Come on, ladies. You know this too.

Because it's in everything that we do when we're raising children and we're running a household. Everything that I've talked about today, you do. You just do it on a scale of what you know over here. And I'm telling you to get your blinders off and expand that a little bit more. It's designed in us naturally. Are you hearing me? So today I want you to ask yourself something. Here's the question for you. Where have I unconsciously accepted helplessness in my business when I actually have more power than I realize? Let me repeat that.

Where have I unconsciously accepted helplessness in my business when I actually have more power than I realize? That question alone could change everything. If you're willing to take it on. Look, if this episode hits home for you, if you think that another woman needs to hear it, share it with her. Women in business, women who are taking care of their family members, they just need a reminder. Maybe share this episode with them. You can go to kimberlyborgens.com and all my episodes are on my website. So just go check them out. And just remember this.

We're not here to play small. You're not here to wait for permission, and you're definitely not here to settle. This is what Superheroes and Heels is about, where we step into the shoes of those amazing women who've gone before us, who've set the pace, who said this is not okay. You get to set the pace for the next generation, for the next person you connect with. So until the next episode, be fierce, be a leader, and be blessed.

Thanks for tuning in to Superheroes and Heels with Kimberley Borgens. If you're walking away feeling a little braver, a little bolder, and a whole lot more powerful, mission accomplished. Be sure to subscribe to the show and leave a review. It helps us to reach more women who are ready to unleash their power and lead with confidence. And if you do leave a review, you might just hear your name in an upcoming episode. If today's conversation lit a fire in you, share it with your network and join us inside the hive society at kimberleyborgens.com, where powerful women gather to break barriers and rise together. Until next time, keep showing up, standing strong, and heels or not, keep embracing your inner superhero.