What Actually Changes When Your Daughter Starts Middle or High School

Your daughter isn't pulling away from you when she starts middle or high school, she's building a self that exists outside of you for the first time. This episode breaks down the four shifts every mother-daughter relationship needs to make during this stage, and what it actually sounds like to make them in real time.

With this episode you'll be able to:

• Recognize the difference between your daughter pulling away and her doing normal developmental work
• Understand why "access" has to become "invitation" as she gets older
• Shift from monitoring her choices to modeling your own
• Trade constant availability for consistent, reliable presence
• Move from managing her life to mentoring her decisions
• Hear exactly what a real conversation sounds like when you make this shift
• Know where to start tonight if you want a framework to work through on your own

Remember: "The goal during this stage isn't to hold on tighter. It's to become someone she keeps choosing to let in."

Connect with Brittney:

• Instagram: @theBrittneyScott
• Website: www.brittneymscott.com
• Consultation to work with Brittney
• Free Resources

Tags: mother daughter relationship, daughter starting middle school, daughter starting high school, parenting teenage daughters, mother daughter communication, teen daughter pulling away, raising teen daughters, mother wound healing, mother daughter boundaries, parenting through adolescence, daughter independence, mother daughter trust, break the cycle workbook, reconnection rescue

Welcome to the Mother-Daughter

Relationship Show, the podcast for mothers

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and daughters who want to build stronger

bonds, deepen their understanding,

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and transform their relationships.

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I'm your host, Brittney

Scott, licensed therapist and

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mother-daughter relationship coach.

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After years of working with hundreds of

daughters and mothers, I've developed

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strategies that help break generational

patterns, heal wounds, and create the

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loving relationships you've always wanted.

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Each week, I'll be sharing insights from

real clients, expert interviews, and

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practical tools you can use immediately

to improve your mother-daughter dynamic.

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Whether you're struggling with

communication breakdowns, navigating

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major life transitions, or simply wanna

take your already good relationship to

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the next level, this show is for you.

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And yes, the transformation I guide

my clients through can be yours too.

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I'll share more about

how you can work with me.

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It's time to experience the

relationship you both deserve.

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Are you ready?

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Let's dive in

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Hey, and welcome back to the

Mother-Daughter Relationship Show.

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I'm your host, Brittney

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Last week I missed an upload, and

I haven't done that in months.

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And I was disappointed at first

that I forgot to have one scheduled.

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It slipped my mind.

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I dropped the ball on that.

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So I apologize if you were looking for an

episode and there wasn't one, and then you

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didn't know why or what was wrong or what

happened, just a whole week of no episode.

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So please forgive me.

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My daughter started kindergarten

this year, and I was so consumed

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in that and getting her ready,

and her first day was actually on

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Friday, which are my upload days.

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And yeah, so the podcast

fell to the wayside because I

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was focused on kindergarten.

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And I thought that I was

ready for this emotionally.

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You know, we have her school clothes.

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we have everything ready.

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I planned the photo backdrop for

the first day of school, and where

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I'm gonna take her picture, and,

you know, all the excitement.

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But emotionally, I thought I was going

to be better than I actually was.

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I wasn't ready for the specific feeling

of watching her walk into a building where

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I don't know what happens seven hours of

the day, and I'm not really allowed in.

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On the first day of school, I was allowed

to walk her to her classroom and go

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inside and kinda stick around for a little

bit, see how the morning starts off.

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And she didn't want me

to leave, of course.

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She's okay…

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She's sad, but I met the teacher.

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I saw the classroom.

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I know she's going to be safe, and

so I have to help her be brave.

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I can't cry in front of her.

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You know, I have to hold it together.

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She's gonna be fine.

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The second day of school, which

happens to be a Monday and we

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had the weekend at home, so she

goes on Friday, then the weekend.

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On Monday, her very second day of

school after having this break and,

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you know, from Friday over the weekend,

I go to take her, and my plan is we

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get there early so I can go in the

cafeteria and eat breakfast with her,

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and then I'll walk her to her class.

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Well, we got stopped at the door.

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I wasn't allowed inside.

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I couldn't go in and have

breakfast with her, and I could

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not walk her to her classroom.

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Guys, cue all the tears I was upset.

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I wasn't ready for that,

and neither was she.

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That was rough.

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We didn't really know what to do.

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I had prepared her for, "We're

gonna have breakfast, and

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I'm gonna walk you to class.

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I know you're gonna be upset and sad,

and you're scared, but you're brave.

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You can do this."

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And then at the door, everything

we had prepared for changed, and

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so we had to get through that.

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That was rough.

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The days that followed have been rough.

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She's still…

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Drop-off and taking her to school

is still a little bit hard,

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but we're working through it.

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But she has a whole world in there now

that I'm standing on the outside of.

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I can't even go inside the school

to just take her to her classroom.

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Like, she's only five.

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She's meeting teachers and Other

people inside that building that I

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have never seen and I don't get to see.

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I mean, I guess I can go there during the

day and check in, but check in for what?

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To like, the, why am I,

why would I be there?

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So to me, dropping her off and

being able to walk her to class

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makes sense, but I guess in that

building they say no parents.

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She's meeting friends that

I probably will never see.

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Where like her friends that

she had before, I knew them.

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I was helping her make friends.

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Now she's gonna make friends outside

of me, and I don't know their parents.

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Parents aren't allowed in the

building, so nobody's ever there.

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Like I, I don't get to be really

super active in this part of her life.

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That's what at least it feels like.

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And she's creating this entire

social world without me.

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Like it's only kindergarten.

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She's five years old, and I am now stopped

at the door and she has to be brave enough

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to walk in that big school alone So let's

stretch that to middle and high school.

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Maybe that same feeling, the world

getting bigger than you can see into.

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If you're a parent of an adolescent

or of a minor child, if you haven't

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caught on, this episode is for you.

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So as your daughter gets older I only

have a five-year-old at the moment, but

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as she gets older, like, her world gets

bigger and how much you see into it

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might feel like it's getting smaller.

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Gets more intense.

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Things get more permanent.

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What is your instinct in that moment?

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Mine is to just keep her home.

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You're telling me that I have to just

trust that she's okay to walk into this

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door in a school building she'd only

seen one time and that she's gonna get

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to class all by herself and she's crying

and I have to trust that's gonna happen?

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I…

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my, my heart says to

just keep her with me.

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It was very, very hard to watch my

daughter walking away crying, and

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I couldn't do anything about it.

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I had to hold it together, but as soon

as she couldn't see me, my tears came.

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But what do you do about middle and

high school when the stakes are so much

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higher than just separation anxiety

that me and my daughter are feeling?

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When your daughter starts middle or high

school, most mothers do one of two things.

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They either tighten their grip,

more check-ins, more questions, more

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things like, "Who was that text from?"

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Or, "Who are you talking to?"

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Or they take the pulling away as

confirmation that they're losing her,

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and they quietly start pulling back too,

telling themselves to give her space.

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But those come from the same fear, and

they both make the actual problem worse.

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Developmentally, she's not

pulling away and rejecting you.

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She's building a self that exists

outside of you for the first time.

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It's the whole point of this stage.

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A daughter who can't do that by sixteen

is going to have a much harder time doing

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it at twenty-six when the stakes are

higher and you have a lot less say in it.

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The relationship doesn't need

less closeness during this stage.

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It needs different rules for

what closeness looks like.

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Don't take the teenager

stage as rejection.

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That's not what she's doing.

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Yes, she's pulling away, but this is

part of what's supposed to happen.

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She's supposed to begin to

create an identity outside of

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you, an identity for herself.

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She needs you.

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She needs closeness from you.

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She needs a strong and steady

and healthy presence from you.

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She just needs different rules,

and for closeness to evolve

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and grow just as she has.

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You have an adolescent or

teenager that's evolving and

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growing, and your relationship

has to evolve and grow with it.

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And each stage brings about a different

level and a different kind of closeness,

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but it doesn't bring about no closeness.

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There's never a stage in the

mother-daughter relationship where

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she does not need you, where she

does not need closeness, and where

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she does not need support from you.

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She's going to need that forever, but

every stage, it calls for something new.

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It calls for it to look different So

I've got four shifts to help you through.

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And that's what we're gonna get into

today and what those shifts can look

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like, what they can feel like, but how

you as the parent help to create the

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shift to keep your daughter close to

you while you watch her create this new

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identity that doesn't fully include you

because you're supposed to be raising a…

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You're supposed to be raising a child

that turns into an adult that is

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successful and smart and brave and can

live her life as you intend for her

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to do successfully as an individual.

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You want her to become an individual

adult that can do this, and so you have

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to start this as teenager and adolescence.

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You have to let her try and make

mistakes and fail, like you have

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to allow these things to happen.

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And so this stage is you practicing while

you're still there to catch her when she

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falls because at a certain age, there's

gonna be some falls that as a parent

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you can't catch because she's an adult

and she's gonna have to figure it out.

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And so if you do the right

things in this stage, the falls

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as an adult are a lot easier.

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They come less frequently, or they're

things that she's fully prepared

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to get herself through because you

taught her as a teenager when you

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were right there to pick her up.

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Okay?

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So let's jump into the four shifts.

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The first one I'm going to

call from access to invitation.

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When she's younger, you have access to

everything, her day, her friendships,

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her feelings, because she doesn't

have the option to withhold it yet.

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The access was never actually about trust.

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It was about capability.

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She physically couldn't

keep things from you.

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Now she can, and she will,

sometimes about small things as

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practice for the bigger ones.

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Your job shifts from expecting

access to earning invitation.

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That means when she does offer something,

a comment about a friend, a complaint

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about a teacher, You protect that door.

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You don't interrogate it to open

wider than what she offered.

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You accept the invitation

that she has given you.

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You show interest in it.

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You maybe ask the right question

to gain more information, show

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curiosity, and let her keep opening

that door wider and wider for you.

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Okay?

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You're not going to immediately have

access to everything, and if you

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think that you're entitled to that

or you can force that out of her,

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you're gonna create a situation where

she just starts to shut down more.

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And so you wanna create situations

where she invites you in and you

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respectfully step into the door as

wide as she's allowed it to happen.

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You can't force it wider than she has.

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You can't force more information out

of her than she's willing to give.

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But if you show her that she can trust you

with the little that she has given you,

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you start to get more and more and more.

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Okay?

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So you're moving from complete

access to accepting the invitations

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and being excited about what

information she does wanna share.

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So remain curious, ask some

questions, and then you'll start

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to gain a lot more insight.

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The second shift that I want you to

work through is from monitoring to

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modeling The instinct is to track

where she is, who she's with, what

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she's doing, and some of that is just

parenting and it never disappears.

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And so it's not to say that

those things are unhealthy.

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They're not.

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You need to know where your child is.

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You need to know who she's

with, what she's doing.

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Like, you need to know all

of those things, of course.

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But the relational piece, the piece

that actually keeps her close to

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you, shifts from monitoring her

choices to modeling your own.

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She's watching how you handle stress,

conflict, disappointment way more

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than she's listening to what you

tell her about how to handle hers.

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And so model these things for her.

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Talk to her in ways you want

her to talk back to you.

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Talk about how you handle stress

or, or how you're moving through a

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difficult thing or allow her to see

you handle tough things or conflict.

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Of course, age appropriately.

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But let her see some of those things.

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Let her actually see you doing it.

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Model these things for her.

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Give her something to emulate.

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Just telling her, it's

not really going to work.

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The whole do as I say

and not as I do it…

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That doesn't really work.

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Like, we say that, but that's

not really how children learn.

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They're gonna learn more from what you

do and what they're watching you do

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and what you're teaching them, not how

you do something completely opposite

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but tell them to do the other thing.

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Okay?

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It actually never works.

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So start modeling.

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Show her.

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Talk to her in ways you

wanna be talked back to.

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Share things with her that make sense.

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That way she starts to

share with you, too.

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Okay?

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So do you not get access to where she is

and who she's with and what she's doing?

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Of course not.

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You have to know those things.

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Like, "No, you cannot leave this house

if you're not willing to tell me where

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you're going and who you're going with.

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Like, uh, no, I have rules

in this house for a reason."

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But if it's more about surveillance

than it is about connection,

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she's going to feel that.

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So create the connection.

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"Yeah, I wanna know about your friends.

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Tell me about Amy.

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Tell me about Maya.

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What is happening?

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Where are you guys going?

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How are you getting there?

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Who's picking you up?"

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Ask the questions and

build a closeness with her.

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Don't sound like surveillance.

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Teenagers pick up on that, and

they don't like that feeling.

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And so while you have to gain

the information, there's a

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much better way to do that.

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So start modeling connection, creating

that with her, and showing her and

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modeling the things that you want

her to do and things you want her to

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learn, and she'll start doing it, too.

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The third shift that I want you to work

through is from constant to consistent.

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You don't need to constantly be

available anymore, texting back in

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90 seconds, always the first call.

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What you need is to be reliably

available in the same way every time

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so she knows what she's getting.

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Constant presence starts to feel

like surveillance at this stage.

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Consistent presence feels like safety.

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She needs to know that you're

consistent, that you're steady,

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and that you're trustworthy.

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You said you'd be here,

and so you were here.

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Not that she texts you, and you need to

drop everything that you're doing and

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text back within, like, five seconds.

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Not that she calls, and you

answer on the first ring.

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Your availability to her and how

you show up for her needs to be

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something she learns to expect.

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If my mom says she's going to do it,

then she's going to do it for me.

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Do we forget sometimes?

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Do things happen?

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Absolutely.

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So we apologize to our children

when things don't go the

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way that we said they would.

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But consistently, if you said

you're gonna do it, you do it.

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If you said you're gonna be

there, then you're gonna make

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every effort to be there.

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If she expects or you expect, like,

family dinner or certain things in your

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family or your home that are supposed to

happen, dinner is at 6:30 every day, you

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need to be home unless there's practice

or sports or extracurriculars, like…

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But you're not at a friend's house.

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When we expect family dinner, if you're

creating consistency in how you show up,

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how you're available, how you're there

for her, that's gonna create a safety

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and a closeness that she needs right now.

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She doesn't need constant.

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She needs consistent.

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So start thinking about what that shift

looks like And then the fourth one, okay?

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The fourth shift that I want

you to start thinking through

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is from managing to mentoring.

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This is a big one.

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Up until now, a lot of your role

has been managing her schedule, her

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choices, her problems, her tears.

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That has to shift toward mentoring,

being someone she consults, not

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someone who runs the operation anymore.

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Mentoring means you're allowed to

have an opinion, and you're not

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allowed to make the decision for

her most of the time, of course.

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There's always caveats.

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We're talking about

children and parenting.

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But you want her to start learning

how to make hard decisions, how

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to make wrong decisions, mess up,

pivot into making the right one.

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You want her to learn how to trust

herself and her own instincts.

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You want her to be an adult that can

handle pressure, that can deal with hard

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situations without completely falling

apart or needing to call her mommy when

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she's 29 and doesn't know what to do.

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I hope that my daughter calls me at

29, and I hope that yours does, too.

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But I mean, like, pressure things

that she's in the middle of a work

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situation or friend situation,

like things that you can teach her.

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Not to say we don't want our daughters

calling us, but you want her to be able

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to handle a lot of things because you let

her handle a lot of things as a teenager.

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You want her to be strong enough to get

through hard times and high-pressure

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situations and things like that.

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So you're gonna move from

managing to mentoring.

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You are going to help her start to do

that because you let her make a lot of the

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decisions when it makes sense, of course.

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But you don't have to make

every decision for her.

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Your opinion doesn't have to

be bigger than hers, and it

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shouldn't after a certain age.

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You guys should move into a

partnership role where her opinion

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matters just as much as yours.

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Sometimes yours is gonna overrule because

you're the parent who makes rules, but

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you listen to her because maybe there's

times where it's like, "You know, this is

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what I want to say as a parent, but after

listening to your opinion and hearing you

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out and you practicing using your voice

with me, I actually will change my mind.

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And what you're asking

for, I can say yes to."

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But if you never teach her how

to use her voice, she's gonna

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struggle in using it later.

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She's gonna struggle in romantic

relationships when she needs

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to speak up for herself if you

don't let her do it with you.

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She's gonna struggle inside of friendships

where she might start people-pleasing

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because she had to please you, and she

doesn't know how to put herself first,

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and she doesn't know how to use her voice

and doesn't believe that her opinion

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is valuable if you never let her, okay?

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So you're gonna shift from managing

every aspect of her life that you

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did when she was younger to mentoring

her through a lot of things.

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There are still gonna be parts of her life

that you are fully managing because she's

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still a child and you're a parent, but

some of this you can start to shift over

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and let her practice because if she fails

now, you're there to pick up the pieces.

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If she fails at 29, you

can't call her boss.

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She will be laughed at.

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You…

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Like, you're not gonna be

able to do these things.

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So do them now and let her practice

so she's ready when she's an adult.

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So I wanna shift gears a little bit now

that I've shared those four with you into

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kind of a bit of what this can sound like.

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So I'm not gonna role play a whole

situation, but I'm going to give you two

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scenarios and how you can change them.

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So the old pattern, access and managing.

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You say, "Who are you texting?

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Let me see your phone."

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Your daughter says, "It's nothing, Mom."

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Mom, "Well, if it's nothing, show me."

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And then the daughter hands over

her phone, and maybe she shuts

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down for the rest of the night

because you forced something out

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of her she wasn't ready to share.

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You took away some autonomy

that she was trying to have.

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And so sure, you have her phone and

now you know who she was texting

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and what she was texting about,

but the rest of the door is closed.

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Now, for the rest of the night, maybe even

the day or the week or however long she's

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upset, those doors are shut and now you're

not getting any more information, okay?

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Your new pattern is

invitation and mentoring.

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So you say as the mom, "You've

been on your phone a lot tonight.

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Is everything okay?"

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Your daughter says, "It's fine.

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Just drama with Maya."

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You see how you were curious

about what was going on, and

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she opened up a little bit.

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That door kinda cracked open.

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You respond, "Ugh, drama's exhausting.

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I'm around if you wanna talk it

through or if you just wanna vent

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without me trying to fix it."

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Your daughter is like, "Wait,

you've never said that to me."

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You're showing curiosity again, and

also you're open to hearing more.

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So she pauses and says, "She's

been kinda leaving me outta stuff."

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And your mama heart may wanna jump

in more, but you're gonna slow down

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and say, "Yeah, that's a hard one.

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Do you want my take on it?

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Or are you just getting it

out and you have a plan on how

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you're gonna deal with it?"

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So do you, can you hear the

difference in the notes?

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Do you notice what changed?

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The mom in the second version actually got

way more information from her daughter.

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She didn't force it out of her by

reading the text messages, and she

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built a connection with her daughter.

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She got it because the daughter

cracked the door open, and with

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curiosity, she allowed that door to

open more by just asking questions.

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You didn't have to force it.

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You don't always have to demand it.

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But if you remain open and

curious, you will probably start

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to get different responses.

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And if you're just entering this stage, if

you start this now, you may actually get

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more and more and more information and get

bigger information and harder situations

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that your daughter might be going through.

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Like, you start to become the first person

she comes to because you show curiosity.

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You don't take over the situation for

her or tell her what she's supposed to do

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or try to completely manage it for her.

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You start mentoring

her, drama's exhausting.

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You wanna talk about it?

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When your friend's leaving

you out, like, that does suck.

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That's hard.

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How are you feeling?

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How are you gonna handle it?

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What are you gonna do about it?

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When you ask questions and show

interest, teenagers talk more.

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One thing that I've learned from working

with teenagers, 'cause I know, I'm

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only raising a five-year-old but I've

worked with lots of teenagers, lots

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of young adult women, and of course,

lots of adult moms and daughters.

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What I've learned from teenagers

is they actually want to talk

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more than they want to listen.

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So if you create the situations

that allow your daughter to

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talk, she's going to talk.

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But you have to create that

trust and safety first.

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If you're forcing her to talk, if

you're talking over her, if you're

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jumping in with all the answers, if

you're talking more than she's talking,

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she don't really like that, okay?

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There are gonna be times where you have

to sit down and maybe she needs a lecture.

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The decision she made was dangerous.

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It was not smart, and

you expect more from her.

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It was reactionary.

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It was impulsive.

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It was risky.

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And so, yep, she's gonna have to sit in

that bed and listen to you lecture her.

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Yes, those times are going

to come, but not always.

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Sometimes you just get to be a mentor.

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See what your daughter does.

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Let her surprise you.

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You are raising her.

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See what you've done.

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Let her tell you, and that way you can

see all of your hard work inside of this

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little person that's now growing up.

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If you take one thing from

this, the goal during this

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stage isn't to hold on tighter.

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It's to become someone she

keeps choosing to let in.

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That's a different skill than the

one that worked when she was small

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Remember that your daughter

isn't pulling away because she's

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rejecting you or doesn't need you.

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She's just creating an identity outside

of you, and that's a good thing.

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That is healthy.

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That's developmental.

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And as a parent, if you make these

four shifts, you're going to allow

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that to happen while keeping your

daughter close in the ways that

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closeness matter at this stage

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You got this.

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I believe in you, and

I know you can do it.

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So happy start to the school year.

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I do hope it's going well, and

I will catch you in the next one

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That's all for today's episode of the

Mother-Daughter Relationship Show.

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Thanks so much for

spending this time with me.

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I hope you picked up some valuable

insights that you can start using right

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away in your own relationship to create

deeper connection and understanding.

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If something from today's

episode resonated with you,

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don't keep it to yourself.

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Share it with a mother or daughter in

your life who needs to hear this message.

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And while you're at it, please

consider leaving a rating and

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review so we can reach more families

and transform the way mothers and

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daughters relate to each other.

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For those ready to take the next

step, you can visit my website to

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learn more about my private coaching

programs and my program designed

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specifically for mother-daughter pairs.

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Whether you're dealing with communication

challenges, life transitions, or

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just wanna strengthen an already

good relationship, I'm here to help.

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Thank you so much for listening.

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I'll see you in the next one