When Sisters Were Raised by the Same Mother but Had Different Childhoods

Summary

In this episode, licensed therapist and mother-daughter coach Brittany Scott explores the golden child and scapegoat dynamic: two roles that can profoundly shape how sisters see themselves, each other, and their mother.

The golden child may appear to have “won,” but being favored can come with perfectionism, pressure, loyalty demands, guilt, and a loss of connection to the authentic self. Meanwhile, the scapegoat may carry the pain of being blamed, criticized, dismissed, or held to a different standard.

Neither child chose these roles.

Brittney discusses how these dynamics can create resentment, guilt, distance, and misunderstanding between sisters, and why healing can begin when both recognize that they were shaped by the same family system in different ways.

Most importantly, she explores how adult sisters can build a relationship that exists independently of their mother, even if the mother never acknowledges what happened or changes her behavior.

In this episode, you'll hear about:

• What the golden child and scapegoat child roles mean
• Why children don't choose or create these family roles
• How favoritism can affect the golden child's identity and sense of self
• The hidden guilt that golden children may carry into adulthood
• The grief and anger that can accompany the scapegoat experience
• Why sibling resentment can develop even when neither sister created the dynamic
• How golden-child guilt can become a barrier to sibling closeness
• The difference between taking responsibility and spiraling into shame
• How a golden child can listen to and validate her sister's experience
• What not to do when trying to repair the relationship
• Why healing doesn't require the mother to apologize, change, or participate
• How sisters can create a new adult relationship separate from their mother's influence

Key Takeaways:

Your childhood roles don't have to determine your adult relationship.

If both sisters are willing to see what each carried, acknowledge the ways they were affected, and move beyond the roles assigned to them, they can begin creating something new together.

The relationship between sisters can heal, even if the relationship with their mother never does.

Thank you for listening. Don't forget you can submit your question! And yes, I really am going to give you an answer in an upcoming podcast.

Help me reach more service providers like you by following the show & leaving a rating or review on Apple & Spotify!

Keyword tags:

#MotherDaughterRelationship #MotherDaughterHealing #FamilyDynamics #GoldenChild #ScapegoatChild #SiblingRelationships #SiblingHealing #ChildhoodTrauma #FamilyTrauma #EmotionalNeglect #ToxicFamilyDynamics #DysfunctionalFamily #HealingFromChildhood #InnerChildHealing #FamilyHealing #GenerationalTrauma #TraumaHealing #Boundaries #AdultChildren #NarcissisticFamily #MentalHealth #TherapyTalk #LicensedTherapist #MotherDaughter #SisterRelationships #SiblingEstrangement #HealingJourney #EmotionalHealing #FamilyPatterns #TheMotherDaughterRelationshipShow

You and your sister grew up in the same

house with the same mother, and you'd

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swear you had two different childhoods.

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Being the favorite sounds like a good

thing until you realize what it cost

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you, and being the scapegoat sounds

like the worst deal until you realize

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what your sister never had to carry.

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If you were the golden child, you

probably feel like you're not allowed

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to complain about your mother.

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And if you were the scapegoat, you

probably feel like nobody ever believed

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you when you did Today, I wanna talk

to both of you because you were raised

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by the same woman in the same house and

had two completely different childhoods.

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Welcome to the Mother-Daughter

Relationship Show, the podcast for mothers

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and daughters who want to build stronger

bonds, deepen their understanding,

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and transform their relationships.

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I'm your host, Brittney

Scott, licensed therapist and

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mother-daughter relationship coach.

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After years of working with hundreds of

daughters and mothers, I've developed

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strategies that help break generational

patterns, heal wounds, and create the

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loving relationships you've always wanted.

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Each week, I'll be sharing insights from

real clients, expert interviews, and

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practical tools you can use immediately

to improve your mother-daughter dynamic.

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Whether you're struggling with

communication breakdowns, navigating

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major life transitions, or simply wanna

take your already good relationship to

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the next level, this show is for you.

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And yes, the transformation I guide

my clients through can be yours, too.

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I'll share more about

how you can work with me.

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It's time to experience the

relationship you both deserve.

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Are you ready?

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Let's dive in

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Welcome back to the Mother

Daughter Relationship Show.

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I'm your host, Brittney Scott, a licensed

therapist, a mother-daughter coach.

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I'm also an eldest daughter.

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I'm raising a daughter.

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Anyways, let's jump

back into this episode.

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Let's start with some language because

I think having names for this makes

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it easier to see things clearly.

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In family systems work, there's

a concept of the golden child

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and the scapegoat child.

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The golden child is the one who can

do no wrong, the favorite, the one

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held up as the example, the one whose

accomplishments gets bragged about.

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The scapegoat is the one blamed for

the family's problems, the difficult

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one, the one who causes issues,

the one whose flaws get magnified

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while her siblings get overlooked.

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I want to name something right

away, make this clear, in

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that these roles are assigned.

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Children do not pick them.

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Usually unconsciously, usually without

your mother ever sitting down and

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deciding to do this on purpose, but

still assigned all the same by her.

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It is not assigned by either of you.

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You didn't choose to be the

golden child any more than your

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sister chose to be the scapegoat.

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Those roles were cast onto you, often

before you were old enough to really

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have any say in it or old enough to

fully realize what was happening.

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So why does this happen?

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There are lots of reasons,

and they're rarely about who's

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actually the better daughter.

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Sometimes a mother favors the child

who reflects well on her, the compliant

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one, the high-achieving one, the one

who makes her look good as a parent.

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Sometimes she favors the child

who reminds her of herself, who

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reminds her of someone she loves.

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And sometimes the scapegoat is the child

who reminds her of someone she resents.

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Maybe it's an ex, her own mother,

a part of herself she doesn't like.

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Sometimes the scapegoat is simply

the child who pushes back, the one

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who asks questions, who doesn't

comply easily, who challenges her.

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Compliance often gets rewarded

with golden child status.

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Pushback often gets punished

with scapegoat status.

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And I wanna make sure that I add that

these roles aren't always fixed for life.

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They can shift over time.

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They can depend on context.

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Maybe you're the golden child around

extended family but scapegoat at home.

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They can even flip, especially as adult

children start setting boundaries or

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seeing dynamics more clearly But whatever

the specifics, both of you were responding

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to something that was assigned to you,

not something that you intentionally

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created or something that you probably

really even had a hand in creating.

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I mean, maybe you enjoyed your

position, especially if you were the

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golden child, and so, you know, maybe,

maybe you did things to fully enjoy

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this position, but you didn't just

set yourself up for this position.

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Like, you didn't pick it,

is what I'm trying to say.

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Let's talk about the golden child

experience first because I think this

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one gets the least sympathy, and it-- I

think it des- deserves more than it gets.

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If you were the chosen daughter, I

want to dismantle something right away.

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Being chosen was not actually a win.

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It comes with real cost, even if they

were harder to see because they were

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wrapped up in praise instead of criticism.

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There was this pressure to be

perfect at all times placed on you.

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When you're the golden child,

you can't fall from grace.

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Your value in the family is

tied to staying exceptional,

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staying compliant, staying the

one who doesn't cause problems.

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That's an exhausting

standard to live under.

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There's no room for you to struggle,

to fail, to just be regular,

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to be an imperfect kid because

your role in the family depends

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on you not being those things.

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Being the golden child gets

used against your siblings.

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Being the golden child gets

you used against your siblings.

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Why can't you be more like her?

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If you ever heard your mother say some

version of that about your sister, that

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comparison wasn't a compliment to you.

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It was a weapon aimed at your sibling,

and you were the tool she used.

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That's not something you asked

for, but it happened through you,

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and it likely created distance

between you and your sister that

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neither of you chose or asked for.

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Being the golden child comes with this

requirement of loyalty to your mom.

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Being golden often comes

with an unspoken contract.

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Stay loyal, stay agreeable,

don't question her.

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The moment you push back or side with

your sibling, you risk losing your status.

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So a lot of golden children learn

to defend their mother reflexively,

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even when some part of them knows

something isn't quite right here.

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And you lose part of your

authentic self, and this might

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be one of the biggest costs.

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When you're loved for playing a role,

the good one, the easy one, the one who

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doesn't make waves, you start to wonder

if you're loved for who you actually are

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or just for how well you perform the role.

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A lot of golden children sometimes

grow up without ever really knowing who

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they'd be if they weren't busy being

the good daughter, and this isolation

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of not being allowed to complain.

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If you try to talk about any of

it, you often get some version

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of, "But she treats you so well.

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What do you have to complain about?"

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Your own valid grievances might get

shut down because relative to your

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sibling, you did have it easier.

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So you learn to stay quiet about

your own pain too, because it doesn't

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really seem to count, or it seemed

as much smaller than what your

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scapegoat sibling had to experience

or had to endure from your mother.

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All of this leads to a particular kind

of guilt that a lot of golden children

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carry, often quietly, sometimes for years.

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But the guilt of being treated

better than your sibling.

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You didn't ask to be

favored, but you were.

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And somewhere along the way, you started

to feel responsible for that imbalance,

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even though you're not the one who created

it and you're not responsible for it.

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There's this guilt of staying quiet

when you did witness mistreatment.

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Maybe you saw your mother criticize your

sister in ways she never criticized you.

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Maybe you watched her hold your sister

to standards she never held you to, and

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you didn't say anything because saying

something felt dangerous to your own

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position, or because you didn't fully

understand what you were seeing at the

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time Or maybe also you liked the position

that you had, so why say something

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if it was going to ruin that for you?

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There can also be a guilt

of benefiting from a dynamic

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that hurt someone you loved.

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Even if you didn't create the

favoritism, you existed within it.

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You got things your sister didn't get,

warmth, patience, benefit of the doubt.

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And now looking back, that imbalance

sits heavy on you, or it's created a very

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negative relationship with your sister.

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And that guilt that shows up now as an

adult, looking back with clear eyes,

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looking back with an adult mind and heart.

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A lot of golden children don't fully

see the dynamic until they're older,

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until they have some distance, until

they talk to their siblings as adults,

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or until they hear their sister

describe a childhood that sounds

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nothing like the one they remember.

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And sometimes that is when it's finally

helpful to bring in that clarity.

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Often comes with a wave of guilt

that's hard to know what to do with.

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So while the guilt that you feel

is real and, you know, it's valid,

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it's also not something you need to

carry alone, and it's not evidence

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that you did something unforgivable.

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You were only a child, too.

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You were also being shaped by a parent

who was making choices you didn't control.

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That wasn't fair to you.

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That also is not fair to your siblings.

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Okay, now I wanna turn to the other

side of this because if you were

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the scapegoat, your experience

deserves just as much space.

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So I know I started with the golden

child, and many of you are probably

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rolling your eyes at the level of grace

I'm handing them because I know, I

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know there are some golden children out

there that basked in their position and

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loved it and, and gloated about it, and

they did not make your life any easier.

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And I know that some of you are probably

thinking, "They're not feeling any guilt.

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Like, are you kidding?"

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Like, and hopefully you haven't

just turned off this episode and

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you're still listening to me.

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But there are some, I promise, I

promise there are some that do feel

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that guilt, that can look back as an

adult and realize what was actually

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happening And there are some that

really, that they didn't like it.

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They didn't want this, and there's, there

was pressure placed on them as well.

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Okay?

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But back to the scapegoat.

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Well, not back to,

switching to the scapegoat.

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Okay, I wanna give you these,

the space that your experience

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deserves just as much too.

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So if you were the one blamed,

criticized, held to a different

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standard, you know a kind of pain

that's different from anything that I

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just described for the golden child.

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You were the problem child, the difficult

one, the one who caused issues even when

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you were just being a normal kid with

normal needs that wanted normal attention

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and didn't deserve what you got, didn't

deserve what you got back from your mom.

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You might have watched your sister

get warmth and patience that you never

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really received for the same behavior.

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You did something and it became

evidence of a character flaw.

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Maybe she did the same thing and

it got overlooked or excused.

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And, and watching a sibling get what you

never got can be one of the most painful

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parts of being the scapegoat child.

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And, like, not material things

necessarily, but the emotional

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experience of being easy to love, of

being believed, of being given grace,

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of being given, like, second chances

and not being criticized or put down

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or, like, diminished in any way.

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That's hard to carry and hard to watch.

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If you were a scapegoat listening to

this, I do wanna validate that your

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anger, if you feel it, is legitimate.

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Your grief, if you feel it, is legitimate.

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And You're not just jealous of

your sister if you feel that.

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Jealousy is wanting something

someone else has for shallow reasons.

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What you might be carrying if you

are experiencing jealousy is grief

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for something you needed that you

didn't get, like being believed,

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being loved unconditionally, being

forgiven, feeling safe in your

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home, and all of that happened to

land on your sister instead of you.

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And that sucks because you both

should have been given the exact

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same thing, and you weren't.

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So let's talk about what all of this

does to the relationship between the

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two of you, because favoritism doesn't

just damage each daughter individually.

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It damages the bond between them.

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Resentment builds, often over years,

and often rarely ever named directly.

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The scapegoat might carry quiet anger

toward her sister for having it easier,

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even if she knows logically that her

sister didn't choose the dynamic.

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The golden child's guilt can

create its own kind of distance.

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She might avoid deep conversations

about childhood because she doesn't

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know how to hold her sister's pain

without feeling responsible for it.

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That guilt, ironically, often

gets in the way of real closeness.

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Golden children sometimes overcompensate,

trying too hard to make up for something

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or avoiding the topic altogether

because it feels too uncomfortable.

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Either way, the guilt becomes

a wall instead of a bridge.

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Meanwhile, the scapegoat's

protective walls go up, too.

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If you spent years being blamed while

your sister got the benefit of the

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doubt, it makes sense that you'd protect

yourself from getting close to her.

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She represents, in some ways, everything

you didn't get So as an entry point to

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maybe reconnecting or repairing this

relationship between sisters, I want

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to offer you both that you were hurt

by the same mother, just differently.

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You weren't hurt by each other.

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You were both shaped in

different directions by the

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same parent, the same dynamic.

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Recognizing that can be the beginning

of compassion instead of division

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and the beginning of creating a

sibling relationship that your mom

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doesn't get to influence any longer.

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So while I've spent more of this

episode talking about the golden

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child, because they often don't get,

what's the word I'm looking for here?

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They often don't get a lot of sympathy

for their position because usually

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we're talking about the golden child and

usually we're talking about a brother and

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we're talking about somebody that knew

their position, loved their position and

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basically gloated in the position of being

the golden child and made their sibling's

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life harder as well because of it.

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I'm not talking about that sibling.

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I hear him spending time with the golden

child that didn't gloat in it, that

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did not do anything to try and make

the life of their sibling any harder.

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They just happened to have gotten

that position and maybe stayed there.

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Maybe it did feel nice to not get what

their sibling was getting, but they didn't

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add to it is what I'm trying to say.

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So somewhere in there, there

is guilt for this person.

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So please recognize which golden

child I am speaking to because

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they are not all the same.

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But I wanna spend some real time

in this episode specifically for

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the golden children listening

because I think honest reflection

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matters more than guilt spirals.

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Some questions worth sitting with.

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Did you defend your mother when your

sister described being mistreated?

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Did you minimize or

dismiss her experience?

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Saying something like, "I don't

remember it being that bad,"

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or, "You're just exaggerating."

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Did you stay quiet, benefiting from

your position while your sister

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experienced-- while your sister's

experience went unacknowledged?

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I wanna be really clear, this isn't

about blame or shame spiraling.

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I'm not trying to make you feel bad.

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Beating yourself up isn't the goal here.

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It doesn't actually help your

sister out either, so don't do that.

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Like, don't throw a pity party.

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What I want you to hold

instead is distinction.

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Being assigned the golden

child role was not your fault.

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You didn't choose that as a child.

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But how you behaved within that role,

whether you defended your mother

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reflexively, whether you believed your

sister when she told you her experience,

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whether you used your position to

advocate for her or stayed silent

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to protect your own status, that's

something you can look at honestly.

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And where there's something to

take responsibility for, that

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is something you can repair.

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This isn't about deciding

you're a bad person.

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Like I said, don't start

throwing a pity party.

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It's about being willing to see

clearly, maybe for the first time,

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what your role actually was, and not

just the one assigned to you, but

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the one you chose to play within it.

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And sometimes that was just being

quiet and not saying anything at

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all because maybe you didn't know

how or you didn't know what to say.

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But also sometimes that might have been

belittling your sister's experience

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or being dismissive of her experience

So if this episode is resonating with

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you in any way, what do you do with

all of this, especially if you're

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a golden child wanting to show up

for your sibling differently now?

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I want you to start by acknowledging the

dynamic really, like, out loud, not in a

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way that centers your own guilt, but in a

way that makes space for her experience.

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So this can sound something like, "I've

been thinking about how different our

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childhoods actually were, and I would like

to understand your experience better."

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Believe her experience

without defensiveness.

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When she tells you what it was like for

her, resist the urge to explain it away

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or to say, "I don't remember it like

that," or to jump in with a but, or to

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say, "You know, Mom really did love you."

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That's not gonna help her.

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Just let her story be hers fully,

without needing to soften it for

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your own comfort or to make yourself

feel better or for whatever reason.

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Like, just there's no need to do that.

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Don't require her to get over it

on your timeline or ever, if she

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doesn't want to, quite frankly.

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She may need to feel angry, to grieve,

to keep some distance from you for a

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while as she processes all of this.

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And don't see it as rejection of you.

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It's just sometimes part of healing

and part of working through something

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that she really did experience.

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I also wanna name what not to do.

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Don't over-apologize in a way

that centers your own guilt.

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If every conversation about her childhood

turns into you needing reassurance that

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you're not a bad sister, that puts your

guilt back in the center of the story,

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and it makes her have to take care of you,

which is exactly what she probably spent

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her whole life watching happen anyway.

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Don't try to fix this quickly.

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This dynamic took years to build,

and you're not the one who built it.

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But it did take years to build, so it's

not going to resolve in one conversation.

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And don't expect some kind of immediate

forgiveness if you did play a part

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in her being hurt, or don't expect

immediate closeness as a reward

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for acknowledging what happened.

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She gets to move at her own

pace, just like you'd want

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if the roles were reversed.

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And the relationship between you and

your sibling can heal independently

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of whether the relationship

with your mother ever does.

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And that is a reminder for

both of you, whether you're the

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scapegoat or the golden child.

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You don't have to work on a

relationship with your mom to work

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on a relationship with your sibling.

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You don't need her to admit what she did.

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You don't need her to apologize or change.

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The two of you together can

build something between you that

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feels really good and heals the

relationship between siblings.

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Your mom never has to be

involved So if you take one

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thing from today, let it be this.

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Neither of you chose this role.

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Children don't pick their family roles.

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It gets assigned to them over time.

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The golden child didn't ask to be favored,

and the scapegoat didn't ask to be blamed.

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Both roles were assigned by a mother

working out her own unresolved

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patterns, often without even

realizing what she was doing.

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Sometimes she does.

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Not discounting that.

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If you had a mom that you feel knew

exactly what she was doing, I believe you.

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But I'm talking about, I'm gonna

say, the other half of moms.

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I don't know if it's half,

but you get what I'm saying.

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Not every mom does this intentionally.

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Okay?

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But both roles, while they are

different, do have real costs.

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One of you lost access to your

authentic self in exchange for love.

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The other lost access to

unconditional love altogether, and

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neither of those are small things.

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If you're able to see each other clearly

now, not through the roles you were cast

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into, but as two people who survived

the same complicated household in

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different ways, there's some potential

for something new between the two of you.

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It may not happen instantly, and it may

not be easy, but if you both want it,

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you can repair this damaged or broken

relationship that was caused by your

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mother or caused by your childhood home

and the roles that you were assigned.

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And if you want more work through

sibling dynamics or family patterns

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more broadly, working with me

individually is how you can get that.

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But just remember that

Most things are not final.

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Most things are not

kinda like set in stone.

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You can heal the relationship with your

sibling that was damaged by your mother.

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You both can decide to do that together.

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You can create a relationship that

is completely cut off from your mom.

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So, and by that I mean not that you're

estranged from your mother, but you

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get to have a relationship with your

sibling as an adult that does not

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cl- include your mom in any way.

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You guys can go to lunch together.

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You guys can meet up.

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Y'all can take a vacation together.

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Y'all can visit each other.

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Y'all can do things if you have

your own families and children as

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y'all without including grandma,

without including your mom.

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Y'all can create something

different if you both want to.

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You just both have to wanna do it,

and you both have to be willing to

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see that what you both were carrying

was a lot, and it should have

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never been placed on either of you.

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And the person to blame would be your

mother, your parents, would be the

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dynamics of your household that you

lived in and how things played out.

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You guys were children just living.

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You weren't adults yet when

most of this probably occurred.

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But that is all I have for you today.

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Thank you for being here, and I

will catch you in the next one.

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That's all for today's episode of the

Mother Daughter Relationship Show.

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Thanks so much for

spending this time with me.

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I hope you picked up some valuable

insights that you can start using right

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away in your own relationship to create

deeper connection and understanding.

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If something from today's

episode resonated with you,

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don't keep it to yourself.

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Share it with a mother or daughter in

your life who needs to hear this message.

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And while you're at it, please

consider leaving a rating and

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review so we can reach more families

and transform the way mothers and

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daughters relate to each other.

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For those ready to take the next

step, you can visit my website to

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learn more about my private coaching

programs and my program designed

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specifically for mother-daughter pairs.

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Whether you're dealing with communication

challenges, life transitions, or

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just wanna strengthen an already

good relationship, I'm here to help.

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Thank you so much for listening.

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I'll see you in the next one