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Hey, and welcome back to the
Mother-Daughter Relationship show.
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I'm your host, Brittany.
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Your teenager is pulling away.
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She's getting more private, more
separate, maybe a little prickly,
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and something about it is hitting
you in a way that feels way too
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big for what's actually happening.
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Like you're not just reacting to
your 15-year-old, you're reacting to
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something much more older than her.
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If that resonates, this
episode is for you.
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Welcome to the
mother-daughter relationship.
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Show the podcast for mothers and
daughters who want to build stronger
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bonds, deepen their understanding.
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And transform their relationships.
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I'm your host, Brittany
Scott, licensed therapist and
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mother-daughter relationship coach.
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After years of working with hundreds of
daughters and mothers, I've developed
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strategies that help break generational
patterns, heal wounds, and create the
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loving relationships you've always wanted.
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Each week I'll be sharing insights from
real clients, expert interviews and
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practical tools you can use immediately
to improve your mother-daughter dynamic.
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Whether you're struggling with
communication breakdowns, navigating
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major life transitions, or simply
wanna take your already good
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relationship to the next level.
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The show is for you.
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And yes, the transformation I guide
my clients through can be yours too.
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I'll share more about
how you can work with me.
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It's time to experience the
relationship you both deserve.
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Are you ready?
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Let's dive in.
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Let's start by understanding what's
supposed to happen during the teenage
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years, because if you don't know
what's normal, you can't tell when
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your wound is getting activated.
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Teenagers are supposed to pull away.
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This is developmentally
appropriate and necessary.
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Your teenager is in the process
of individuating becoming her
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own person, separate from you.
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That's her job right now.
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So what does normal teenage
individuation look like?
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She wants more privacy.
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She closes her bedroom door more.
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She doesn't wanna tell you every detail
about her day or her friendships.
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She might get vague
when you ask questions.
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It was fine.
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Nothing happened.
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I don't know.
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She's less interested in family time.
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She'd rather be with her
friends than at family dinner.
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She doesn't wanna go on family
outings like she used to.
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And maybe being seen with you in
public might be embarrassing for her.
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Of course, that's a bit extreme
and teenagers and kids are silly
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when they start to feel that
way, but sometimes it happens.
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She's testing boundaries and pushing back.
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She's questioning your rules.
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Maybe she argues a little bit more.
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She wants to make her own decisions
about things like what she wears, how she
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styles her hair, who she hangs out with.
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She's more emotionally
volatile, her mood swings.
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She might be happy, one minute and
angry The next and small things might
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feel like really big deals to her.
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All of this is normal.
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All of this is pretty healthy and
all of this is supposed to happen.
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But when you have an unhealed
mother wound, this normal
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development can feel like rejection.
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Maybe it feels like abandonment,
and it can possibly trigger deep
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fears that have nothing to do with
your teenager and everything to
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do with your own mother wound.
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If you experience your own mother's
control, emotional unavailability
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or criticism, your teenager's normal
distancing hits a very old nerve if
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your mother was emotionally unavailable.
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Your teenager's need for privacy
might feel like rejection.
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You might take it personally when she
doesn't wanna share everything with you.
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If your mother was critical, your
teenager's moodiness or pushback
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might feel like an attack.
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You might become overly sensitive
to any perceived disrespect.
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The wound makes everything feel bigger
and more dangerous than it actually is.
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So how do you know if you're responding
to normal teenage behavior or if
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your wound is getting triggered?
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Check the intensity of
your emotional reaction.
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If your 14-year-old says she doesn't wanna
go to the store with you and you feel
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mildly disappointed, that's proportional.
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That doesn't sound too bad.
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If you feel devastated, rejected,
or even angry in a way that
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seems too big for this situation,
that's probably your mother wound.
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Notice your body's response if you
feel a tightness in your chest and
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not in your stomach, or a surge of
panic when your teenager wants space.
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Your nervous system might be reacting to
something old, not to something present.
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Ask yourself, is my response
about what's happening right now?
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Or is it about what
I'm afraid will happen?
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If you're catastrophizing thinking
she's pulling away and eventually
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she'll want nothing to do with me,
that's probably your wound talking.
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Look at the story you're creating.
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If your teenager says, I'm going
to my room, and you immediately
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think, she doesn't wanna be
around me, I'm losing her.
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I'm a bad mother.
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You're not responding to
what's actually happening.
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You're probably responding to an old fear.
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Now, let's talk about what happens
when you're mothering a teenager
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with an unhealed mother wound.
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What patterns show up?
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What gets passed down without
you meaning to pass it down?
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The first one is over Controlling.
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This is one of the most common patterns.
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You become hypervigilant about who she's
with, where she's going, what she's doing.
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You need to know everything.
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You check her phone, you read her
text, you monitor her social media.
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What this sounds like.
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Who's going to be there?
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I need names.
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Let me see your phone.
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You're not wearing that.
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I don't think you should
be friends with her.
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On the surface, this looks
like protective parenting, but
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underneath, it's often about anxiety.
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Your need to feel in control
because you felt so out of
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control in your own childhood.
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The problem is the tighter you
grip, the more your teenager
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needs to pull away to breathe.
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Now these examples are nuanced.
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I'm not telling you to not have
standards or to keep your daughter safe.
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The world is scary.
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You must protect your daughter, but
if you're authoritarian instead of
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authoritative, she will pick up on that.
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It's not that questions or statements like
this are bad, they inherently are not.
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They're there to keep your daughter
safe, but if you're showing your
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daughter, you don't trust her and
you're not working to build trust,
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these statements will backfire.
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The next example is emotional withdrawal.
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This is the opposite response,
but comes from the same wound.
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When your teenager pulls
away, you pull away too.
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You shut down emotionally as
a form of self-protection.
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What this might look like, giving her
the silent treatment when she doesn't
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wanna spend time with you, becoming cold
or distant when she's moody with you.
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Withdrawing affection or warmth because
she doesn't meet your emotional needs.
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Making comments like, fine, I
guess you don't need me anymore.
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You learn this from your own mother.
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Perhaps when she was hurt, she withdrew.
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So now when you're hurt by your teenager's
normal development, you do the same thing.
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The next one is taking your
teenager's independence.
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Personally, every step toward independence
feels like a personal rejection instead
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of a normal developmental milestone.
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What this sounds like.
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You never wanna spend
time with me anymore.
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You used to tell me everything and
now you don't tell me anything.
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I guess I'm not good enough for you.
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You're so distant lately.
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Did I do something wrong?
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This puts your teenager
in an impossible position.
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She's trying to grow up, which is her
job, but your hurt makes her feel guilty
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for doing what she's supposed to do.
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The next example of something
that can be passed down without
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realizing it is in mesh.
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This is when the boundaries between
you and your teenager are too blurred.
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You rely on her for emotional support.
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You make her responsible
for your feelings.
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You treat her more like a friend or
a therapist than your own daughter.
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What this might look like confiding
in her about adult problems, your
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marriage or your relationships, your
finances, your friendships, soar.
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Any other relationship that you're a part
of, needing her to make you feel better
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when you're upset, getting hurt, when
she doesn't wanna hear about your day.
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Making her your primary
source of emotional support.
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This recreates the parentification
you might have experienced as
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a child when you had to take
care of your mother's emotions.
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Now, without meaning to, you might be
doing the same thing to your daughter.
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And the last example of something
that can be passed down without
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even realizing it is needing your
teenager to make you feel okay.
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This is when your sense of worth
or wellbeing is too dependent
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on your teenager's behavior,
mood, or closeness to you.
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This might sound like feeling
devastated when she's mad at you.
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Needing reassurance that
she still loves you.
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Your mood matches hers.
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If she's happy, you're happy.
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If she's distant, you're devastated.
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Feeling like you're feeling as
a mother when she's struggling.
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These patterns are not character F floss.
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They are learned responses
from your own wound.
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This is how you learn to survive
your own mother's behavior, and now
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you're unconsciously repeating it.
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Recognizing these patterns is the
first real step to changing them.
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You can't change what you can't see.
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Now, some of you may be
listening and thinking like, do
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these things actually happen?
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Are these actually happening in
mother-daughter relationships where
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a mom is parenting a teenager?
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And the answer is simply yes.
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I have seen most of these and I have
helped moms work through some of these.
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So they are real.
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I only put them in as examples
because I've seen them happen
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and I've worked directly with a
mom or maybe a teenage daughter.
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Who was experiencing this?
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So here's the irony.
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The mother, who is most afraid
of her daughter pulling away is
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often unconsciously doing the
things that push her further.
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Let me give you an example.
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A mother is terrified of losing her
teenage daughter, so she becomes
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controlling, checking her phone,
questioning her constantly, not
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giving her privacy, reading her
journal, going through her room.
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When she's at school, the daughter
feels suffocated and pulls away more.
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The mother panics and tightens her grip.
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The daughter rebels harder.
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The mother sees this as evidence
as she's losing her daughter,
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so she controls even more.
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Can you see the loop
that starts to happen?
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The fear of abandonment creates
the very abandonment she's afraid
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of, or here's another example.
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Mother feels rejected when her
teenager wants space, so she withdraws
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emotionally to protect herself.
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The teenager feels her mother's coldness
and thinks she doesn't care about
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me, so she stops trying to connect.
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The mother sees this as proof that
her daughter doesn't need her.
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So she withdraws further.
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The wound creates the, the exact dynamic
it's trying to prevent, and the idea
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that your teenager doesn't need you.
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When I hear this one, this one
always baffles me a little bit
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because I've heard it many times.
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And I want you to know you
teenager always needs you.
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She just needs you in different ways
or in new ways, or she needs something
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different or specific from you.
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There's never a situation where
your teenager does not need
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you and not even teenager.
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There's never a situation where
your daughter doesn't need you.
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She just needs you in a different way.
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You have to pay attention to
the girl that's in front of you.
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So what do you actually
do when you're triggered?
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When your teenager says
something or does something and
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you feel the surge of emotion?
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That's way too big for the moment.
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Name it internally before you react
externally, the first step is catching it.
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In the moment when you feel triggered,
pause and say to yourself, or just
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think inside your head, this is
my wound, not just my daughter.
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This doesn't mean your daughter's
behavior is okay if it's actually
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disrespectful, but if it means you're
recognizing that the intensity of what
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you're feeling is more than just what's
happening right now, then you're on the
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step two, slowing down your reactions.
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Think my daughter just told me she
doesn't wanna go run errands with me.
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I feel devastated.
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That's too big of a
feeling for this situation.
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This is my abandonment wound talking.
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I'm not just devastated about
what my teenager just said.
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Just naming it creates a tiny bit of
space between the wound and your response.
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Create space between the
trigger and your response that
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your daughter actually hears.
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This can be hard and it takes
practice, but it's one of the
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most important skills that you can
develop when you feel triggered.
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Don't respond immediately.
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Here's what you can do instead.
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Take a few deep breaths.
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Actually count them.
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Breathe in for four seconds.
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Hold for four.
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Breathe out for four.
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This signals to your nervous system that
you're not actually in any kind of danger.
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Maybe you need to leave the room.
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Tell your daughter you need a minute.
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Go to the bathroom.
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Go outside.
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Go to your bedroom.
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Give yourself a few minutes to
regulate Before you respond,
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feel your feet on the floor.
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This can be a grounding technique.
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Notice the physical sensation of your
feet, making contact with the ground.
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This brings you back
to the present moment.
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Instead of being lost in the old wound,
ask yourself, what does my teenager
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actually need from me right now?
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Not what does my wound need,
but what does she need?
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Usually she needs you to stay calm,
to respect her autonomy, to not
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take her mood or her need for space.
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Personally.
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Put your hands on your heart and remind
yourself she's supposed to pull away.
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This is healthy.
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This is not about me.
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I can handle this.
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This won't be perfect.
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You won't always catch it in time.
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But even catching it 30% of the
time is better than 0% of the time.
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Repair when you get it wrong
because you will get it wrong.
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Sometimes you'll snap at
her when you didn't mean to.
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You'll say something
controlling or guilt inducing.
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You'll withdraw when you
should have stayed present.
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You are human.
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What matters is that you
come back and repair.
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Here's what repair can sound like.
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Earlier when you said you didn't wanna
come to dinner with us, I got upset.
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That wasn't fair to you.
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You're allowed to want time alone.
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I'm working on not taking that personally,
or I was cold to you this morning after
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our argument last night that wasn't okay.
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You are upset with me and that's allowed.
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I shouldn't have withdrawn like
that, or I overreacted when you
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didn't wanna tell me about your day.
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You don't owe me all your
thoughts and feelings.
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I'm sorry I made you
feel guilty about that.
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Notice what these repairs have in common.
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They take responsibility without
overexplaining or making excuses.
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They name the behavior that was hurtful.
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They validate your teenager's experience.
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Brittney Scott: They don't
ask the teenager to make you
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feel better about messing up.
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Repair teaches your
daughter that relationship.
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Ruptures can be fixed, that adults can
take accountability, that she doesn't
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have to be perfect and neither do you.
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I want you to know that doing
this now while your daughter's
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a teenager, is so important.
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The relationship you build during
the teenage years sets the example
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for the adult relationship.
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How you handle her individuation now
directly impacts whether she'll be
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close to you when she's 25, 35, even 45.
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If you can let her pull away
without punishing her for it,
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she'll learn that she can have
her own life and still have you.
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She'll learn that she can
figure some things out.
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And figure out who she wants to be and
maybe make a mistake or two here and
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there and still have you support her.
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If you can respect her privacy age
appropriately, of course, without
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making her feel guilty, she'll learn
that boundaries are safe with you.
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If you can stay connected even when
she's moody or distant, she'll learn
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that your love isn't conditional on
her meeting your emotional needs.
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But if she has to fight for every inch of
independence, if she learns that having
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her own thoughts means you'll be hurt.
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If she feels responsible for your
emotions during these years, she'll either
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stay enmeshed with you out of guilt,
or she'll run away as far as she can.
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the template you create now
matters for the rest of her life.
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The mother who does her own work now
changes what her daughter inherits.
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This is a cycle breaking moment.
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Your daughter is watching
how you handle your emotions.
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She's learning from what it means to be a
woman, what it means to be a mother, what
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relationships are supposed to look like.
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If you can do the hard work of
recognizing your triggers, regulating
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your emotions, repairing what you
mess up, you might be teaching her
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skills your mother never taught you.
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You're showing her that it's
possible to feel big feelings
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and not be controlled by them.
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You're showing her that people
can take accountability.
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You are showing her that relationships
can be healthy even when they're hard.
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This is how generational patterns
change, not through perfection,
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but through awareness and
willingness to do it differently.
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You don't have to have it all figured out.
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You don't have to have healed your
entire mother wound before you can
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be a good mother to your teenager.
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You don't need to never get triggered.
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You don't need to respond
perfectly every time.
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You don't have to be a perfect
mother because a perfect
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mother doesn't even exist.
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You just have to be willing to look at
it to notice where your wound is showing
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up to take responsibility when you get
it wrong, to keep trying to do better.
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Your daughter doesn't
need a perfect mother.
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She needs a mother who's willing to
grow, who can admit when she's wrong,
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who keeps showing up even when it's hard.
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If you are mothering a teenager
while carrying an unhealed
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mother wound, I see you.
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You're trying to show up for
your daughter while also dealing
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with your own pain and triggers.
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Your teenagers pulling away is
not evidence that you're failing.
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It's evidence that she's
developing exactly as she should.
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Your job is not to prevent her from
individuating is to let her do it
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while staying connected, while staying
regulated, while staying present.
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And when you mess up because you
will, you are human, you repair,
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you come back, you try again.
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That's what breaks the
cycle, not perfection.
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Persistent willingness to do it
differently than it was done to you.
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I'm hosting a free live training called
the Mother-Daughter Relationship Decoded.
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It's for adult daughters and for mothers.
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It'll be on Zoom, so it's virtual.
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Thanks for listening to the
Mother-Daughter Relationship show.
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You're doing great work.
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It matters.
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Take good care of yourself and
I will see you in the next one.
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That's all for today's episode of the
Mother-Daughter Relationship Show.
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Thanks so much for
spending this time with me.
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I hope you picked up some valuable
insights that you can start using right
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away in your own relationship to create
deeper connection and understanding.
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If something from today's
episode resonated with you,
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don't keep it to yourself.
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Share it with the mother or daughter in
your life who needs to hear this message.
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And while you're at it, please
consider leaving a rating.
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And review so we can reach more
families and transform the way mothers
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and daughters relate to each other.
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For those ready to take the next
step, you can visit my website to
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learn more about my private coaching
programs and my program designed
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specifically for mother-daughter pairs.
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Whether you're dealing with communication
challenges, life transitions, or
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just wanna strengthen an already
good relationship, I'm here to help.
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Thank you so much for listening.
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I'll see you in the next one.
