Questions Your Daughter Wishes You Would Ask: From Preteens to Motherhood

In this comprehensive episode, I walk mothers through the questions daughters desperately wish they would ask at every life stage, and why most mothers miss the mark by asking surface-level surveillance questions instead of connection-building ones. From preteens who need "What makes you feel afraid?" instead of "Did you finish your homework?" to new mothers who need "How can I support your motherhood?" instead of criticism disguised as concern, the right questions communicate trust, respect, and genuine curiosity about who your daughter is becoming. I break down specific questions for preteens (8-12), teenagers (13-18), young adults (late teens through 30s), and daughters becoming mothers, plus the timing and tone that makes these conversations actually work. The episode culminates in repair questions—the hardest but most important ones that require vulnerability and accountability like "Did I hurt you when..." These aren't just conversation starters; they're invitations into your daughter's inner world that tell her "I see you, I want to know you, and your feelings matter to me." Download the free PDF of all questions in the show notes so you can reference them anytime.

With this episode you'll be able to:

1. Ask connection questions instead of surveillance questions that shut down communication with preteens and teens
2. Shift from parenting mode to partnership with teenagers by asking "Are there tough decisions you're making?" rather than interrogating
3. Respect your adult daughter's autonomy by asking "Do you need advice or are you just venting?" before offering unsolicited opinions
4. Support your daughter's motherhood without criticism by centering her needs with "How can I support your motherhood?"
5. Practice repair questions like "Did I hurt you when..." that require vulnerability and create space for healing old wounds
6. Download the free PDF with every question from this episode so you can start deepening connection today

Click this link download your FREE PDF with all the questions from this episode organized by life stage!

Help me reach more mothers and daughters by following the show & leaving a rating or review on Apple & Spotify!

Keyword tags: Mother-daughter questions, connection questions, parenting teenagers, emotional support, repair questions, young adult daughters, supporting new mothers, vulnerability in parenting, accountability, mother-daughter communication, partnership parenting, respecting autonomy, generational healing, surveillance vs connection, repair conversations

Let me paint two pictures for you.

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Picture one.

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It's 10:00 PM A 16-year-old daughter is

lying in bed, scrolling through her phone.

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Her mom pokes her head in and

ask, did you finish your homework?

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What time are you going to sleep?

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The daughter answers with one

word responses, and mom walks away

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thinking they had a conversation.

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What the daughter really needed

was for her mom to ask, Hey, what's

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been the hardest part of your week?

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Is there anything on your mind you

wanna talk about before you sleep?

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But those questions never come.

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Picture two.

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Your daughter just had her

first baby three weeks ago.

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She's exhausted, overwhelmed, and

questioning everything her mother visits

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and immediately starts giving advice about

feeding schedules and sleep training.

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She asks, are you doing tummy time?

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Have you started a routine yet?

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What the daughter desperately needs to

hear, how can I support your motherhood?

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What matters most to you right

now, but instead, she gets

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criticism disguised as concern.

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These moments happen every single

day in mother-daughter relationships,

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mothers asking surface level questions

or advice seeking questions when what

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their daughter really needs is to

be seen, understood, and supported.

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Today we're going to explore the questions

daughters long to hear at different stages

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of life from the preteen years all the

way through becoming mothers themselves.

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And more importantly, we're going to

talk about how to ask these questions

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in ways that actually open up

connection rather than shut it down.

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Welcome to the

Mother-Daughter Relationship.

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Show the podcast for mothers and

daughters who want to build stronger

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bonds, deepen their understanding

and transform their relationships.

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I'm your host, Brittany

Scott, licensed therapist and

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mother-daughter relationship coach.

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After years of working

with hundreds of daughters.

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And mothers.

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I've developed strategies that

help break generational patterns,

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heal wounds, and create the loving

relationships you've always wanted.

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Each week I'll be sharing insights from

real clients, expert interviews and

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practical tools you can use immediately

to improve your mother-daughter dynamic.

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Whether you're struggling with

communication breakdowns, navigating

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major life transitions, or simply

wanna take your already good

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relationship to the next level.

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The show is for you.

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And yes, the transformation I guide

my clients through can be yours too.

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I'll share more about

how you can work with me.

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It's time to experience the

relationship you both deserve.

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Are you ready?

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Let's dive in.

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If you're a mother listening, I want you

to know that your daughter is a mirror.

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She flex back your pain, your joy, maybe

your unhealed wounds, and sometimes the

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parts of yourself you've had to suppress.

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When you ask her the right questions

with genuine curiosity, you're

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not just learning about her.

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You're learning about yourself as well.

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If you're willing to be vulnerable.

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And willing to really see

her and be seen by her.

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That's what's going to

deepen the relationship.

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If you're a daughter listening,

I want to acknowledge that this

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episode might bring up some grief.

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You might realize all the

questions that you've been waiting

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to hear that just never came.

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Okay.

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Before we jump in, I do wanna

let you know that I created a PDF

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download of all of the questions

you're going to hear in this episode.

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So you don't have to worry about trying

to write them down or, keep stopping and

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maybe writing and continuing to listen.

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If you just go to the

link in the show notes.

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You can just download the file and it'll

just be a PDF, so it'll just come straight

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to your email and you can download it.

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Okay, so let's jump in.

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We're gonna start with big kids and

preteens roughly ages eight to 12.

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This is such a tender age.

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They're not little kids anymore, but

they're not teenagers yet either.

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They're caught in this in-between space

where they're developing their own

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thoughts, feelings, and identities, but

they still desperately need their mothers.

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Parents assume that because these

kids can tie their own shoes, make

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their own snacks, and seem more

independent, they don't need the same

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level of emotional attention, but that

couldn't be further from the truth.

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These kids are navigating friendship,

drama, academic pressures, body

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changes, and a whole world of feelings

that they don't have words for yet,

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and they won't always volunteer this

information they need you to ask.

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So what questions?

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Open up real connection at this age.

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They're gonna be questions like,

what makes you feel afraid?

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This question gives

permission for vulnerability.

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It tells your daughter that

fear is normal and that you're a

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safe place to bring those fears.

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What makes you feel safe?

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The flip side is equally important.

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When you know what makes her feel safe,

you can create more of that in her life.

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The next question is, you're

both little and big right now.

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What are ways you still feel little

and what are ways you feel older?

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This question acknowledges

the in-between space she's in.

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It validates that she's not fully one

thing or the other, and that's okay.

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And this is a question that maybe she

might need your partnership in answering.

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She may not have the answer for

it, but you can help to maybe guide

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her in how to answer this question

because she is both little and big.

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Do you ever wonder about disappointing me?

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This is a good one because it could

open up some of the fears she might be

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carrying about what choices she wants

to make or maybe a choice she did make

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and hasn't really told you because she's

scared of disappointing You, reassure her

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that you will be there no matter what.

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Do you ever feel left out,

whether it's at school with

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friends, or even in the family?

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Feeling left out is painful.

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Ask this question, tell her you're

paying attention to her emotional

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world, not just her schedule.

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You can't just ask these questions at

the dinner table and expect deep answers.

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Pre-teens need the right

environment for vulnerability.

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Try moments like this at bedtime.

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When the lights are dim and she's

winding down, that's when guards

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come down during car rides.

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There's something about not making

eye contact that makes some of these

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conversations a little bit easier.

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And while you're doing an

activity together, such as baking,

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walking, crafting, side by side,

conversations feel less intense.

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You're not staring at each other.

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You can also use less specific,

but equally powerful questions.

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Is there anything on your mind you

wanna talk about before you go to sleep?

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What's been the hardest part of your week?

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I'm noticing you seem quiet, sad,

frustrated, worried, feeling the emotion.

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I'm noticing you seem blank.

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Wanna talk about it?

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When she answers, don't

immediately jump into fix it mode.

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Don't minimize her feelings

with, oh, that's not a big deal,

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or, oh, you'll get over it.

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Instead, I want you to try something

like, oh, tell me more about that.

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Yeah, that sounds really hard.

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Or how did that make you feel?

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And what do you need from me right now?

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Sometimes what you need isn't

a question, but a statement,

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something like, you don't have to be

perfect for me to be proud of you.

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I see you trying, and that's

what matters to me most.

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It's okay to still need me.

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I'm right here.

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Let me know how I can help.

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If you've been distant or haven't

been asking these kind of questions,

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here's a repair question you can ask.

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I realize I've been asking a lot about

your grades and your schedule, but not as

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much about how you're actually feeling.

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Can we change that?

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This acknowledges what you've been missing

and invites a new way of connecting.

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When you're able to connect to

your daughter, you're able to

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open up more about her world

and she's going to let you in.

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The more you know, the more

you can keep her safe and the

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deeper your connection will grow.

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Okay.

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Moving on to our second group.

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This is teens and adolescents,

roughly ages 13 to 18.

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If you're a mother of a teenager,

you know, this stage can feel like

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you're suddenly speaking differently.

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Languages, your daughter might seem

moody, distant, or like she doesn't

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want anything to do with you, but

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teenage daughters still desperately

want their mothers to see them,

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know them and support them.

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They just need you to show

up a little differently.

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The biggest mistake I see mothers make

with teenage daughters is asking questions

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that feel like interrogations, or

questions that come with hidden agendas.

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Where were you?

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Who are you with?

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Why didn't you call me?

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What times do you get home?

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These aren't connection questions.

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They're surveillance questions, and

teenagers can smell the agenda a mile

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away what teenage daughters really want

is for their mothers to ask questions

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that show genuine interest in who they're

becoming, not just what they're doing,

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or whether they're following the rules.

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Of course, knowing where your

daughter was and who she was with

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and what time she got home, like all

of those are important questions.

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But when you're hitting her with kind

of rapid fire surveillance questions

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like that, she's just shutting down

slowly or quickly depending on who she

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is, but she's just gonna shut down.

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So you need to build connection with

your daughter, and then those kind of

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questions won't really be needed because

actually talking and communicating will

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be a healthy thing that's weaved in

throughout everything that you guys do.

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So questions that daughters

wish mothers would ask.

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Sounds a little bit like this.

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Are there any tough decisions

you're making right now?

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This question acknowledges that

she has a complex in her life.

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It tells her that you trust

that she's thinking things

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through and you're available.

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If she needs a sounding board.

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What is something you love that

you haven't shared with me yet?

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Teenagers are discovering new music,

new interests, new parts of themselves.

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This question invites her to let you into

that world without judgment, and you're

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showing genuine interest in who she is.

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Is there an area of your life that I can

be showing up more or differently in?

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This can be vulnerable.

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You're essentially asking,

am I getting this right?

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That vulnerability is what builds trust.

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It shows her that you care

about how she experiences you.

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And tell me your side of the story.

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What happened when there's

conflict or misunderstanding.

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This question is gold.

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It centers her perspective.

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Instead of immediately launching

into your version of events or your

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disappointment, or immediately not believe

in your daughter, let her tell you.

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See what happens.

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With teenagers, timing

and tone are everything.

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Don't ask questions right when she

walks in the door from school when

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you're already frustrated or in the

middle of conflict, maybe in front of

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siblings or other people, or when she's

clearly not in the mood to talk, give

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her some space and try a different

time when she is more open to it.

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Do ask these kinds of questions during

one-on-one time, maybe a coffee run or

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a drive where it's just the two of you.

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When she brings up something first,

even if it's small, that is a door

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opening or a window opening, inviting

you in when you're both calm and have

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time to actually talk or through text

or the journal method if she's more

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comfortable with written communication.

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And yes, some teens do really

open up more through text.

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Sometimes it just feels a

bit safer without you sitting

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right in front of them.

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So a journal or even just text

messages to kind of get things flowing.

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Ask without expectation

of a particular answer.

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If you ask, are there any

tough decisions you're making?

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And she says, no.

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Don't push.

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She's testing whether you

really mean it or if you're just

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fishing it for information or

she may really just mean no.

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But if you keep pushing and like

driving for an answer or seeming like

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you don't believe her answer, you're

gonna make it harder to connect.

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So just accept her.

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No and don't push.

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Ask a different question

at a different time.

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Other great questions can be, what do

you wish I understood more about you?

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Is there something you wanna tell me

but you're worried how I'll react?

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What's one thing that would make

you feel more supported by me?

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And when your teenage daughter

actually opens up to you, this is not

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the time to launch into a lecture.

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Tell her what she should do.

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Bring up all the time.

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She didn't listen to you before,

or make it about yourself.

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Maybe something sounding like, well,

when I was your age, that's not

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gonna keep the conversation going,

or keep her opening up to you.

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Instead, I want you to

listen without interrupting.

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Validate her feelings, even if

you don't agree with her choices.

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If she's not doing something harmful

or unsafe, let her make her decision

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even if you don't like it, ask?

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What do you think you wanna do?

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And thank her for trusting you with this.

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Sometimes teenagers don't need questions.

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Sometimes they just need reassurance

from their moms, and that can

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sound like you're allowed to change

your mind about what you want.

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I trust you to figure this

out and know you can come to

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me for help if you need it.

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I'm proud of you.

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I'm proud of who you're becoming.

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Even when we don't see eye to eye, or

you don't have to have this all figured

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out right now, it's okay to take your

time if your relationship with your

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teenage daughter has been strained.

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Here's a repair question.

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I feel like we've been

disconnected lately.

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What do you need from me to feel

closer ? Or if there's been a very

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specific conflict, you can say something

like, I handled this situation badly.

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Can you tell me how it

felt from your side?

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This is inviting her to share her

emotions and letting her know that

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you actually want to repair or that

you care about how she's feeling.

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This is gonna create a deeper connection.

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When you have a deeper connection,

you know more about her life.

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It's really important that

you make this attempt.

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To the moms listening, your

daughter pulling away from

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you is developmentally normal.

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It's not a rejection of you.

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It's her learning to be her own

person, and in order to be an

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adult, she has to spend some of

this time figuring that part out.

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But she still needs you.

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She just needs you to show up with

curiosity instead of control with

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questions instead of assumptions.

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I call this the partnership, like she

needs you to be in partnership with her

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and let her be in partnership with you.

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That means that you trust her.

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To help make decisions for her life.

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You are still the mom and

you are still in control.

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She is still a child even though she's

a teenager, growing into an adult.

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But if you guys can make

decisions for her life together,

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she starts to trust you more.

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And also, she starts to

build her confidence too.

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She should be able to make some decisions

alongside of you and feel proud of

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those, and if they don't work out, you're

right there to help catch her fall.

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Like you're there to help her pick

up the pieces and fix it, but you

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showed her that you trusted her.

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This is going to be integral to

the adult relationship that you'll

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get to have with your daughter.

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Now let's talk about young daughters,

roughly late teens through their twenties

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and sometimes into their thirties.

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The stages where your daughter's

establishing her independence, making

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her choices about career, relationships,

where to live, how to spend money.

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Like all on her own.

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And this is often where mother-daughter

relationships either deepen into adult

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friendship or become strained by unspoken

expectations and boundary violations.

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The biggest struggle I see at this

stage is mothers who can't shift from

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parenting mode to adult relationship mode.

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They're still trying to guide and

advise and protect in ways that

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worked when her daughter was 12 or

16, but can feel suffocating at 25.

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Adult daughters don't need their

mothers to manage their lives.

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They need their mothers to

respect their autonomy while

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still being available for support.

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Yes, it's a tricky stage.

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Your daughter is making choices

you might not agree with.

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She might be choosing a career path

you don't understand dating someone

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you wouldn't have picked living

somewhere far away or making financial

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decisions that make you very nervous.

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The questions you ask at this stage either

communicate, I trust you, or I don't

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think you can handle your own life, and

your daughter can tell the difference.

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So questions that daughters at this

stage would like to hear from their

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moms, what decisions are you making?

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Not, what decisions should you make?

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Not have you thought about blank,

just genuine curiosity about

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what she's working through.

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This question gives her space to process

out loud without feeling directed.

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Do you need my help or advice,

or are you just looking to vent?

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This is a question every mother of

an adult daughter should master.

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It acknowledges that sometimes

your daughter just wants to vent

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or think out loud, and sometimes

she actually wants her input.

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Let her tell you which one she needs,

and if you have a daughter that's willing

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to come to you to vent, let her vent.

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It means she trusts you.

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So don't overstep.

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Just let her vent and be the

person that's on her side.

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Even if you don't agree with her

in your head, she's venting to you.

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Just be on her side unless

she's looking for advice.

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Another one is, I'd love

to do blank with you.

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When are you free?

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This question shows you want to

spend time with her, but you're

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expecting her schedule and her life.

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You're not demanding.

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She show up for family events or

guilting her about not visiting enough.

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You're inviting connection on equal terms.

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At this stage, your daughter's

living her own life.

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You can't use the same tactics

you did when she was younger.

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You can't catch her at

bedtime or in the car.

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On the way to school, these

things are no longer gonna work.

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You have to respect her

communication preferences.

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Some adult daughters prefer

text, some prefer calls.

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Some prefer in-person conversations.

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Ask permission before giving advice.

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That question of, are you looking to vent

or do you actually want my advice on this?

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Except I don't wanna talk about

that right now as a valid response.

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If she doesn't wanna

talk, then don't make her.

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If she trusts you, when she's ready

to talk, she's going to come to you.

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If you keep pushing, trust gets smaller.

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If you keep yourself available and

open to her, trust gets bigger.

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Create opportunities for connection

that work for her life, not just yours.

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Hey, when are you free?

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I would love to do this with you

While y'all are in the middle

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of whatever this is, you can ask

questions to deepen connection.

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Some other great questions you can ask

is, how's your mental health lately?

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What are you excited about right now?

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What's been challenging for you?

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Is there anything you've been wanting to

talk about but you haven't brought up yet?

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These are going to open

up a dialogue with her.

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Questions not to ask.

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So there are questions that can

damage connection at this stage.

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Something like, when are you going to

settle down, get married, have kids.

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This is agenda driven and pressure filled.

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It's not connection.

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You're looking to satisfy yourself

with those questions, not her.

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Don't you think you should blank?

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This is disguised as a

question, but really you're

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trying to tell her what to do.

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Are you sure about that?

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Implies that you don't trust her judgment.

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And yes, this one's tricky.

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If it's about safety or

something dangerous, like you

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wanna keep your daughter safe.

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I know that's important, okay?

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And that's different.

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But if it's just because you

would choose differently, this

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question just damages trust.

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So.

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Let it go.

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Or why can't you be more like

blank and start comparing her to

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somebody else for something else?

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This applies for your adult

daughter, but that question applies

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for your daughter at any age.

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Don't compare her to other people.

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She is who she is.

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Love her for it.

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So when your adult daughter

shares something with you, these

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responses can build connection.

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That sounds really exciting

or that sounds really hard.

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You wanna match her emotional tone.

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Don't be sad if she's not sad and

don't be excited if she's not excited.

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Just match where she is.

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I believe in you.

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That one's amazing.

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We all want to hear that.

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How can I support you with this?

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That opens up the door for her to

tell you what she needs from you, and

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thank you for sharing that with me.

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These responses can damage connection.

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Immediately sharing what you would

do differently maybe at a later time.

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Not right when she tells you

bringing up past mistakes, that

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feels like, and I told you so moment,

and nobody wants to hear that.

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And offering unsolicited

opinions about her life choices.

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A supportive statement for

this age can sound like I'm

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learning to see you as the adult.

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You are not just my child.

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I trust your judgment.

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Even when I would choose differently.

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Your life is yours to live

and I'm here if you need me.

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I'm also okay if you don't.

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If you've been overstepping boundaries

or struggling with the shift to adult

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relationships, I want you to have phrases

like this to start to build reconnection.

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Think of something like, I think I've been

treating you like you're still my child.

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Instead of recognizing you as

an adult, how can I do better?

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What can I shift or adjust for

you, or I miss our connection?

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What would a good relationship between us

look like to you now that you're an adult?

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What needs to be adjusted,

what needs to change that?

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Those are both very open-ended questions

that will invite conversation and

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bring you into her thought process.

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At this stage, your job is no longer to

guide and protect in the same way you're

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gonna always be protecting your daughter.

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You are her mother, of course, but

it doesn't look the same right now.

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Your biggest job at this age is to

witness support and be available.

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That means watching her make choices

you wouldn't make and biting your

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tongue, trusting that you raised her

well enough to figure things out.

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Being there to help her if she

falls, but not preventing every fall.

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She's gotta learn some things.

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That also applies to your teenage

daughter and respecting that she

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knows her life better than you do.

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When you ask questions that

communicate respect for her autonomy,

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you're telling her you're capable.

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I trust you, and I still want to

know you and be a part of your life.

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That's how mother-daughter relationships

survive this transition, not by

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holding on tighter, but by opening

your hands and inviting adult

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connection by being available, but

not being pushy by being supportive,

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but not telling her what to do.

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You guys are now in this dance

of she's walking in front of

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you, you're walking behind her.

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You're there if she falls.

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But you're not pulling her in

the direction you want her to go.

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You're not kind of, you're not

steering the wheel here anymore.

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She is.

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And you get to just be

her mom in a new way.

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And this stage can be really fun.

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Let's move on to the next stage.

437

Now we come to one of the most vulnerable

and transformative stages in a woman's

438

life, becoming a mother herself.

439

When your daughter becomes a mother of

big shift happens in your relationship,

440

she's stepping into the role you've

held, and suddenly she understands

441

things about motherhood and about you.

442

That she never could before.

443

That can be a time of incredible

healing and connection, or it can be

444

a time of intense conflict and hurt.

445

There are grandmothers who think

they're being helpful by offering

446

constant advice, correcting their

daughter's parenting choices, or

447

taking over instead of supporting.

448

And there are daughters who are

desperately trying to figure

449

out their own motherhood while

feeling criticized, undermined, or

450

invisible in their own parenting.

451

Your daughter needs you to show up.

452

Your daughter doesn't need you

to show her how to be a mother.

453

She needs you to support her motherhood

even if it looks different from yours,

454

even when it looks different from yours.

455

Here are questions daughters

wish you would ask at this stage.

456

How can I support your motherhood?

457

This question centers her needs, her

parenting, her way of doing things.

458

It asks, how can you be helpful instead

of assuming you know what she needs?

459

I trust you to take care of your baby.

460

What can I do for you?

461

This question does two powerful things.

462

It affirms her capability as a mother,

and it shifts the focus to supporting

463

her, not taking over her baby care.

464

What matters most to you right now?

465

Early motherhood is overwhelming.

466

There's feeding and sleeping, and

doctor's appointments, her own healing,

467

her relationship, her identity shift.

468

This question lets her tell you where her

focus is and what she needs help with.

469

Right now.

470

When your daughter becomes a

mother, you have to resist the urge

471

to tell her how you did things.

472

Unless she wants to

know, of course, correct.

473

Her methods take the baby from her

to give her a break without asking.

474

Offer advice she didn't request or make

comments about her parenting choices.

475

I know this is hard.

476

I know you have decades of experience

and you want to help, but unsolicited

477

advice, even well-meaning advice feels

like criticism to a Noom brother who's

478

already probably doubting herself.

479

Instead, ask, before offering advice,

would you like to hear what worked for me?

480

Or do you just need to vent?

481

Offer specific help.

482

Can I do your laundry?

483

Make dinner for you.

484

Hold the baby while you shower.

485

Be specific.

486

Don't just think help means holding

the baby so she can do something else.

487

Sometimes moms just wanna sit

on the couch and hold their baby

488

while you do something else.

489

Respect her choices even when

they're different from yours.

490

Remember that parenting has

changed since you had babies.

491

Car seat rules, sleep guidelines,

feeding recommendations, all of

492

those things look different now.

493

Okay.

494

Here are some other questions you can ask.

495

How are you doing, not just the baby,

but you, what's been the hardest

496

part of this transition for you?

497

Is there anything about becoming

a mother that surprised you?

498

What do you need that you're not

getting these questions that follow

499

right now can damage the relationship?

500

At this stage, they sound like

why are you doing it that way?

501

It implies her way is wrong.

502

And that's not necessarily true.

503

Are you sure the baby needs blank?

504

This undermines her maternal instincts.

505

She's going to take care of her baby.

506

In my day, we, this statement,

dismisses current parenting

507

knowledge and her choices.

508

Or when are you having another?

509

This is completely ignoring

where she is right now.

510

Let her focus on the baby that's

here, or the babies that are here,

511

whatever stage that she's in.

512

Don't rush her to have another.

513

If that's not something she's discussing.

514

When your daughter shares how she's

really doing, here's what she needs.

515

If she's struggling, you can say

something like, that sounds so hard.

516

You're doing a great job.

517

Even when it doesn't feel

like it, or what's one thing

518

I can take off your plate?

519

Or just reminding her

that you're a good mother.

520

If she's making choices differently than

you did, you can say something like, I

521

see you've really thought about this.

522

Or Every mother has to find what

works for her family, or, I'm

523

learning from watching you parent.

524

That one is probably my favorite.

525

Other supportive statements at

this age can sound like you know

526

your baby better than anyone.

527

Trust yourself.

528

'cause I trust you.

529

You are the mother.

530

I'm here to support you, not take over.

531

What do you need me to do?

532

I'm so proud of the

mother you're becoming.

533

You don't have to do this perfectly,

you just have to do it with love.

534

My.

535

This is a personal story, but my mom

was visiting over Christmas break and

536

we were in the car and my daughter

was talking about things that are

537

healthy, so like food that's healthy

and she doesn't say healthy with the T.

538

She says it with an F.

539

So she says, healthy.

540

That's really healthy, right?

541

Mommy?

542

That's what she says when she's

trying to understand if a food

543

is healthy or not healthy.

544

And that is not a word

that I use in my home.

545

So I don't teach her

healthy or not healthy.

546

Um, we just talk about food

is very neutral in our home.

547

If you're hungry, you eat.

548

And we talk about food that makes

our bodies feel good and food that

549

maybe doesn't make our body feel good.

550

So she knows like.

551

Cookies.

552

Eating a lot of cookies is

probably gonna hurt her tummy, but

553

eating one cookie probably won't.

554

So we talk about food that

way and make it very neutral.

555

But she asked my mom if something

was healthy and instead of my mom

556

answering the question, um, she referred

to me and said, I forgot her exact

557

words, but it was something along

the lines of, oh, Grammy's, not sure.

558

Let's ask Mommy that question.

559

And she gave me a chance to answer

in a way that mattered to me.

560

Because healthy and not healthy

or good or bad foods is something

561

that, you know, I, I believe I grew

up learning and that's not how I

562

want my daughter to approach food.

563

And so I really appreciated

my mom just saying that.

564

So she didn't say yes or no.

565

Um, she didn't like shut my daughter down.

566

It was just, oh, let's

ask mommy that question.

567

And that gave me a chance to answer in a

way that matters to me and my parenting.

568

I just wanted to share that like

there's ways to support your daughter

569

in the decisions that she's making and

make her feel good about her choices

570

without you having to say anything.

571

Because my mom probably wanted to

say, no, whatever you're asking

572

about is not healthy 'cause

probably wasn't a healthy food.

573

But that's not the words in the

language that I'm using and my

574

mom knows that matters to me.

575

Okay, off my soapbox, back into the next

part, repair questions for this stage.

576

If you've been overstepping or offering

too much unsolicited advice, you can say

577

something like, you know, I've realized

that I've been giving a lot of advice

578

when maybe you just needed support.

579

How can I be helpful

without being overbearing?

580

And you don't have to say overbearing

if that word doesn't feel good

581

for you, but you get the point.

582

A lot of these questions can

be tailored to your voice.

583

These are just ideas.

584

Or if there's been a conflict about

parenting choices, you can say something

585

like, I think I've been holding

too tightly to how I did things.

586

Can we start fresh with you

teaching me why you're doing this?

587

I'm curious as to what's changed or

what's different since you were a baby.

588

When your daughter becomes a mother,

you're watching her step into one of

589

the most defining roles of her life.

590

She might do things differently than you.

591

She might make choices that

make you uncomfortable.

592

She might even succeed in ways that

highlighted where you struggled.

593

And all of that is okay.

594

Your daughter mothering differently

than you, doesn't mean you were wrong.

595

It means that she's her own person

in her own time with her own child.

596

And this is a completely new generation

and we're in the information age and

597

we have all kinds of information at our

fingertips that you may not have had.

598

So it doesn't mean that you

were wrong, it's just different.

599

If you can celebrate that instead of

feeling threatened by it, if you can

600

support her motherhood instead of trying

to shape it, your relationship deepens.

601

She sees you not just as her mother,

but as a woman who respects and

602

trust her, like that feels so good.

603

When mothers get this stage right,

when they support, instead of

604

criticize, when they ask, instead

of assuming it can heal old wounds.

605

This goes back to how you treat

your teenager like a partnership.

606

You know, I trusted my teenager to,

to help make decisions for her life.

607

You should be able to trust your adult

daughter to make all the decisions for her

608

life because you prepared her for that.

609

Your daughter might start to

understand why you made certain

610

choices when she was growing up.

611

You might start to see her

in a completely new light.

612

The relationship can shift from mother

to child, to mother to mother, with

613

mutual understanding and respect.

614

But that only happens when

you're willing to step back.

615

Ask the right questions and truly support

her motherhood, not remake it into your

616

image or what you want it to look like.

617

Now we need to talk about repair questions

that are sometimes the hardest to ask.

618

These are questions that require you as

a mother to face your own mistakes, to

619

take accountability, to be vulnerable

in ways that might feel terrifying.

620

Repair can't happen with your defenses.

621

Up and repair can't happen

without acknowledgement.

622

If there's hurt between you and your

daughter, whether it's from something

623

that happened last week or something

that happened decades ago, it will

624

always be there until it's addressed.

625

You can ignore it or minimize it.

626

You can say, that was so long ago,

why can't she just get over it?

627

But the hurt doesn't just

go away because time passes.

628

The whole time heals all

wounds is just not true.

629

The only thing that heals relational

wounds is relational repair and

630

repair starts with a simple question.

631

Here are some examples.

632

Did I hurt you when this question

names a specific incident or pattern?

633

It shows you've been paying

attention and you're willing

634

to acknowledge harm you caused.

635

Next question, what do you

wish I had done differently?

636

This question gives your daughter

permission to tell you what

637

she needed that she didn't get.

638

It can be painful to hear,

but it's necessary and it

639

tells you how to move forward.

640

It actually gives you

what you're looking for.

641

If there's something I've done that you're

still upset about, this is an open-ended

642

invitation for your daughter to bring

up hurt you might not even be aware of.

643

It requires you to listen

without getting defensive.

644

That can be hard, but if you're looking

to repair your defenses can't be up.

645

How did my blank affect you?

646

Okay.

647

Fill in the blank with whatever

pattern or behavior you're recognizing.

648

How did my emotional and

availability affect you?

649

How did my working hours affect you?

650

Like, fill it in.

651

How did my favoritism to

your brother affect you?

652

If you listen to my last episode,

you'll see why I threw that in there.

653

How did my criticism of you affect you?

654

Ask her if you've noticed that maybe you

did something that could have caused pain.

655

Ask her if it did.

656

She's the only one who can tell you

these questions can be hard to ask,

657

and you might not like the answer.

658

You might feel like you're

opening Pandora's box.

659

You might be afraid.

660

She'll say something that confirms your

worst fears about yourself as a mother.

661

You might feel defensive

before she even responds.

662

And all of that is normal.

663

Like don't think that you

shouldn't feel a certain way.

664

Whatever emotions come up are

real for you, but your daughter's

665

been carrying this hurt, okay?

666

So whatever emotions you're afraid

of, she's already been carrying pain.

667

The questions don't create new

hurt, it just brings it all to light

668

where you can finally be healed.

669

You guys can actually talk about it and

move forward when you're ready to ask

670

a repair question, here's how to do it.

671

Make it private, one-on-one conversation.

672

Don't bring all of this

up around other people.

673

Don't make it uncomfortable

and don't make it weird.

674

Um, when you both have time and emotional

capacity to fully talk about it.

675

You don't wanna bring up something

when one of you are rushing, that

676

doesn't give it time that it needs and

deserves don't bring this up in the

677

middle of an argument or when negative

emotions are already high, not the time.

678

And depending on your daughter, I would

say not through text, but I know some

679

people prefer that because that feels

a little bit more comfortable for them.

680

But these kind of conversations like

repair conversations should happen face

681

to face, or at least voice to voice.

682

If you can get on a phone

call, even that's better.

683

I want you to ask with genuine

openness, like you have to

684

be ready to hear her answer.

685

You can't ask defensively.

686

You can't be ready to just

respond to protect yourself.

687

Like, well, I did that because,

or I only did that because I

688

was trying to help like that.

689

That's not going to help anything

you want to listen without defending.

690

You want to sit in the

discomfort and just.

691

Let the emotions play out.

692

You don't have to rush this conversation.

693

The hope is that you guys have plenty of

time to sit there even in silence while

694

you both feel whatever you're feeling when

your daughter tells you how you hurt her.

695

Every instinct will want you to

explain, justify, or minimize it.

696

And I'm here to tell you, don't do that.

697

It's not gonna end well.

698

Don't say things like, that's not what

I meant, or, you're being too sensitive,

699

or, I was doing the best I could.

700

Or you don't understand what I

was going through or anything like

701

that, that's not going to help.

702

That's already minimizing her experience.

703

You're here to repair, and repair is gonna

sound like, thank you for telling me that.

704

Or I can see how that hurt you.

705

Or I'm sorry that I

made you feel that way.

706

Or, what do you need from me now?

707

How do I fix this moving forward?

708

So when we're pairing mother-daughter

relationships, I always remind my clients.

709

That we can't go back and change the past.

710

We can't change the pain

that's already occurred.

711

We can't change the dynamics

that have already happened.

712

The goal of repairing mother-daughter

relationships is that we create

713

something new moving forward.

714

If you both are willing to work on

the relationship, it means that you

715

both want to be in the relationship.

716

So hashing out the past.

717

Isn't going to help anyone

acknowledging that it happened.

718

Yes, but you're not here

to try and change it.

719

You can't change the past.

720

It's already occurred.

721

You're here to see what needs

to be different moving forward.

722

How, from this point on of us bringing

this up and talking about it, how do we

723

move on to have a better relationship?

724

That is the goal of repair.

725

The conversation can't end there.

726

Repair requires follow through.

727

So ask things like what would

repair look like to you?

728

How can I do better moving forward?

729

Is there anything else you

need to say about this?

730

And then actually change your behavior.

731

Don't apologize.

732

And then keep doing the same thing that

tells her the apology was just words

733

and it really didn't mean anything.

734

Don't be that mom.

735

If you're going to step into

repair, be fully ready to

736

prepare and change your behavior.

737

Some of you listening might be thinking,

but my daughter won't talk to me, or we're

738

estranged, or she's made it clear that

she doesn't want a relationship with me.

739

If that's where you are, hear this,

you can still work on yourself.

740

You can still acknowledge what you

did wrong, even if only to yourself.

741

You can still write a letter.

742

That maybe you'll send or maybe

you won't take in accountability.

743

Sometimes repair doesn't

lead to reconciliation.

744

Sometimes the relationship can't be

saved, but the work of facing what you did

745

wrong is still worth doing for your own

healing, it's still worth doing so that

746

way you can move on and you can also be

prepared and ready for if she decides that

747

she'd like to try again because she might

actually like to try again in the future.

748

I also want to acknowledge many of

you listening didn't have mothers

749

who asked these kinds of questions.

750

You might carry your own mother

wound because your mom did not see

751

you or support you or hear you.

752

Your mother may have never apologized

to you, and now you're supposed

753

to apologize to your daughter.

754

It sucks, but yes, you are.

755

You're supposed to

apologize to your daughter.

756

The cycle has to break somewhere,

and you can choose that it's you.

757

You deserved repair from your mother and

your daughter deserves repair from you.

758

Both things can be true at the same time.

759

Asking repair questions takes more

courage than almost anything else

760

in the mother-daughter relationship.

761

It requires you to face your

own imperfection, your own

762

humanity, and your own mistakes.

763

When you do it, your daughter sees that

you're willing to be vulnerable with her.

764

She sees that the relationship matters

more to you than being right, and she

765

sees that you value her feelings and

her experience, and that's what creates

766

the possibility for real healing.

767

It may hurt to address it, but it will

always hurt if it's never addressed.

768

So just do it.

769

Rip the bandaid off and

start the conversations.

770

As we close out today's episode,

I want to speak directly to both

771

mothers and daughters listening.

772

The questions we've talked about today

from what makes you feel safe to how can I

773

support your motherhood to did I hurt you?

774

When these aren't just conversation

starters, they're invitations

775

into your daughter's inner world.

776

When you ask these questions with

genuine curiosity, without an agenda,

777

without trying to fix or control,

you're telling your daughter, I see you.

778

I want to know you.

779

Your thoughts and feelings matter to me.

780

Your daughter's a mirror.

781

When you look at her, you might see your

own pain, your own unhealed wounds, the

782

parts of yourself you had to suppress.

783

You might see the childhood

you didn't get to have, or the

784

opportunities you wish you'd taken.

785

That can be uncomfortable, but

it can also be incredibly healing

786

when you ask her these questions

and really listen to her answers.

787

You're not just learning about her.

788

You're learning about yourself.

789

You're creating connection you might

not have had with your own mother.

790

You're breaking generational

patterns, and yes, some of these

791

questions are scary to ask.

792

The repair questions especially, but

your vulnerability, your willingness to

793

face mistakes and take accountability,

that's what makes the relationship deepen.

794

That's what builds lasting trust.

795

All mothers mess up.

796

There's not a single mother on this

planet that can say she got it all right.

797

Okay.

798

Every single one of us have messed up,

but good mothers are willing to repair

799

the ones who create lasting, healthy

relationship with their daughters.

800

They're the ones who will apologize.

801

They're the ones who will face it,

and they're the ones who will fix it.

802

So perfect.

803

Moms don't exist, and

good moms didn't get it.

804

All right?

805

Good moms are the ones who will repair.

806

So here's my challenge to you this week.

807

Pick one question from today's

episode that resonates with where your

808

daughter is in her life right now.

809

Ask it with genuine curiosity without

expectation of a particular answer, and

810

then actually listen to what she says.

811

Don't defend, don't correct.

812

Don't make it about you.

813

Just listen and see what happens.

814

You might be surprised by what she shares.

815

You might learn something

about her you never knew.

816

You might even begin to repair

something that's been broken for a

817

long time, but you have to start,

you have to be the one to ask

818

to the daughters listening.

819

I know this episode might

be hard to listen to.

820

If your mother is someone who

will never ask these questions, if

821

she's not capable of this level of

emotional presence or vulnerability,

822

your grief is real and it matters.

823

You deserve to be asked these questions.

824

You deserve a mother who is

curious about your inner world.

825

Who wanted to understand you, who was

willing to repair when she hurt you?

826

Not having that is a loss, and it's

something that you have to grieve.

827

So let that happen.

828

You can give yourself some

of what you didn't receive.

829

You can ask yourself these questions.

830

You can create relationships

you needed with friends, with

831

partners, with chosen family who

do ask these kinds of questions.

832

Your mother's inability to see

you, doesn't define your worth.

833

You are worthy of being known,

being understood, being supported,

834

whether she can do that or not.

835

What we've really been talking

about today is emotional support.

836

That's what all of these

questions come down to.

837

I fully believe that mother wounds

are born out of relationships where

838

emotional support was lacking.

839

Daughters need their

mother's emotional support.

840

They need her love her

trust, her belief in them.

841

They need to know that they can

bring their whole selves, their

842

fears, their dreams, their mistakes,

their triumphs, and still be loved.

843

When mothers ask these kinds of questions

and really listen to the answers they're

844

providing that emotional support.

845

So mothers start asking daughters,

keep hoping and if you can keep

846

being open to connection and everyone

listening, let's remember that it's

847

never too late to deepen a relationship.

848

It's never too late to repair,

and it's never too late to

849

really start seeing each other.

850

So if your mom can't do it or

you have a friend whose mom

851

can't do it, be the one to do it.

852

Help them feel what repair

is supposed to feel like.

853

That is all I have for you today.

854

I do hope that you

enjoyed today's episode.

855

Reminder that I put all of these

questions into a document for

856

you that you can go and grab.

857

The link is in the show notes, so

just click on it and get the download.

858

That way you don't have to write all of

these questions down or try and replay

859

this to find the one that matters to you.

860

Just go grab the document and I

will catch you in the next one.

861

That's all for today's episode of the

Mother-Daughter Relationship Show.

862

Thanks so much for

spending this time with me.

863

I hope you picked up some valuable

insights that you can start using right

864

away in your own relationship to create

deeper connection and understanding.

865

If something from today's

episode resonated with you,

866

don't keep it to yourself.

867

Share it with the mother or daughter in

your life who needs to hear this message.

868

And while you're at it, please

consider leaving a rating.

869

And review so we can reach more

families and transform the way mothers

870

and daughters relate to each other.

871

For those ready to take the next

step, you can visit my website to

872

learn more about my private coaching

programs and my program designed

873

specifically for mother-daughter pairs.

874

Whether you're dealing with communication

challenges, life transitions, or

875

just wanna strengthen an already

good relationship, I'm here to help.

876

Thank you so much for listening.

877

I'll see you in the next one.