Healing from Mother Wounds with Crystal R. Currie

In this episode of the Reconnection Rescue Podcast, host Brittney Scott interviews licensed clinician Crystal R. Curry. Crystal shares her deeply personal journey of estrangement from her mother, the emotional impact of her mother missing significant events like her wedding, and how childhood trauma influenced her adult relationships. Through therapy, Crystal discovered her own patterns and began the process of healing. This episode delves into the complexities of mother-daughter relationships, cycles of emotional neglect, and finding joy in new, healthy relationships. Crystal offers insights and encouragement for others dealing with similar issues, emphasizing the importance of self-love and doing the hard work necessary for healing.

Key Takeaways:

- Crystal's experience of her mother's broken promises and disappearances, culminating in her absence at Crystal's wedding

- The patterns of dysfunctional relationships and people-pleasing behaviors Crystal adopted as a result of her childhood trauma

- The crucial role of therapy in helping Crystal understand and heal from her "mother wound"

- The generational nature of these relational dynamics, and Crystal's commitment to creating a different story for her own children

- The value of finding supportive communities and cultivating meaningful relationships to fill the void left by an absent parent

Connect with Brittney:

• Instagram: @theBrittneyScott
• Website: www.brittneymscott.com
• Consultation to work with Brittney

As a licensed clinician and founder of Compass Life Skills & Counseling, Crystal makes daily impact in the lives of individuals through her various platforms, such Cycle Breakers Conference, Cycle Breakers Collective, and Healing the Inner Child Retreat. Crystal is a thought leader in the fields of trauma, aiding individuals in deconstructing toxic cycles and establishing healthy family patterns. Crystal’s expertise in addressing the lingering impacts of trans-generational trauma was birthed from gut-wrenching personal experiences. Her research and therapy experience spans over a decade, from working in detention centers, overseeing residential treatment programs, and collaborating with community organizations for family reunification. She has served on featured platforms such as The HuffPost, The National Association of Public Defense, Women’s Magazine and the International Congress on Interpersonal Rejection & Acceptance. When Crystal is not teaching nationally or abroad, she is spending time with her husband, Donald and children, Alaina and Andrew.

Connect with Crystal:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/crystalrcurrie/

Website: https://www.crystalcurrie.com/

00:00 Introduction and Heartbreak

00:32 Welcome to the Reconnection Rescue Podcast

00:50 Meet Crystal R. Curry

01:25 The Estrangement Decision

02:43 Wedding Day Disappointment

04:13 A Mother's Absence

06:34 Reconnecting After the Wedding

08:14 Patterns of Broken Promises

12:11 Growing Up with a Young Mother

14:06 Dysfunctional Relationships

15:28 Therapy and Self-Realization

18:29 Understanding Abandonment

20:07 Understanding Fear of Abandonment

20:56 Crystal's Childhood Struggles

23:34 The Silent Treatment and Isolation

26:40 Therapy and Healing

29:04 Breaking Generational Cycles

31:11 Motherhood Jealousy and Compassion

37:25 Encouragement for Healing

39:30 Conclusion and Contact Information

At my big age, right?

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28.

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I'm still a little girl looking for her.

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So that when I think about my

wedding, it was a wonderful wedding.

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Enjoyed it.

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But I still remember being

the little girl at my big age,

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looking for her mama to show up.

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Brittney Scott: And she didn't even come.

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That is heartbreaking.

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Absolutely

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Brittney Scott (2): devastating.

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Absolutely.

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Have you spoken to her since

the day of the wedding?

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You are listening to the Reconnection

Rescue Podcast for mothers and daughters

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with your host, Brittney Scott.

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A podcast where we process all things

mother daughter relationships and

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the direct effect it has on the

relationships we hold as adults.

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Brittney Scott (2): Hey, it's

BBrittney welcome back to

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another episode of the podcast.

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I'm here today with another interview

and we're interviewing Crystal R.

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Curry.

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She is a licensed clinician

and the founder of Compass

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Life Skills in Counseling.

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Crystal does individual therapy,

holds a conference each year,

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she has a membership, and I

believe she holds a retreat.

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Crystal is a thought leader in the

field of trauma and her research and

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therapy experience spans over a decade.

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When Crystal isn't working, she's

spending time with her husband, Donald,

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and her children, Elena and Andrew.

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Okay, and we are here with Crystal.

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I'm so excited.

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She said yes to sharing her

story with me and with you.

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My first question, what was the event or

the experience that you had that helped

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you make the decision to be estranged?

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Crystal Currie: Oh, okay.

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Every girl grows up, most girls

grow up, thinking about how they're

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going to be as an adult, right?

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And part of being an adult for

most girls is getting married.

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So what your husband will be like,

whatever your wedding will be like,

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the wedding dress, what it will

feel like, what it looked like.

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And so every sense, like, I can

remember I've dreamt of that day.

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And considering the fact that my parents

were 13 and 14 years old, when they

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conceived me, I've had this dream of

this fantasy that I used to use to

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escape from my own childhood trauma.

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Right.

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And my experiences.

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It's.

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So when it came time for me to become,

I got engaged and at a time that I

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was engaged, me and my mother weren't

on the best of the speaking terms,

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but deal in the mode of trying.

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I was still in the mode

of maybe she can change.

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Maybe things will get better.

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I'm an adult.

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I don't really need anything from her.

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Maybe we can just have a

really nice adult relationship.

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And so the time came, I got engaged and

I told my mom, she seemed really excited

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and she was like, okay, I want to be

responsible for buying your wedding

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dress and paying for the flowers.

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I was so excited.

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This was so cool.

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Absolutely amazing.

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And I was, this is when say yes

to the dress was really big.

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And so I was planning my own say yes

to the dressing van and I had invited

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people that were really important to me.

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And I had already went to go see

what kind of dresses that I want.

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And I had narrowed it down to 30.

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So excited.

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It's two weeks before this,

my say yes to the dress event.

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And I realized I haven't talked to my mom.

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And so I started calling her and it's

two weeks before and I'm calling and I'm

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texting and I'm not getting anything.

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No response, no answer.

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This is very normal.

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Okay, but in my mind, this is

like really important to me.

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Like you only get one time, right.

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To be married and this is it.

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I'm the first person in my

family to be married, right.

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To do it the right quote,

unquote, right way.

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Right.

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Of course, this time will be different

and I'm calling and I'm calling.

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And we go by, and then we're the week

of the, say yes to the dress event.

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Okay.

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I'm calling.

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I'm texting nothing.

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Say yes to the dress event

happens on a Saturday.

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I call her on that Friday, and I at

this point, I'm completely broken

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and I call her and she answers

and she says, what do you want?

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Now you say, yes, the

dress thing is tomorrow.

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And are you still going to

pay for my wedding dress?

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Because I have to pay that day.

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And are you still coming?

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And she just flicks off, flicks off,

starts fussing and cussing me out and

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completely turns the situation on to me

and how she has so much stuff going on.

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And I've been calling her back to back

just for that and it's really not that

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important And in that moment, I was like,

this is it i'm done And I hung up the

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phone Completely heartbroken did the say

yes to the dress event tried to put on

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a great face gray face but I had to do

other things because I couldn't afford

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the dress that I picked out and Even

after that, I still sent her a wedding

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invitation and she did not show to my

wedding You The say yes to the, say

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yes to the dress event was the straw of

the straw that broke the camel's back.

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But then not coming to my wedding

was the absolute finale for me.

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She didn't even go.

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She did not even come.

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And my, at my big age, right, 28, I'm

still a little girl looking for her.

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Brittney Scott (2): I don't, I

think we always are, but yeah.

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Crystal Currie: So that when I

think about my wedding, it was

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a wonderful wedding, enjoyed it.

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But I still remember being

the little girl at my big age,

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looking for her mama to show up.

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Brittney Scott: And she didn't even come.

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She didn't come.

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That is heartbreaking.

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Crystal Currie: Absolutely

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Brittney Scott (2): devastating.

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Absolutely.

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Have you spoken to her since

the day of the wedding?

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Okay.

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Has there been any?

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Crystal Currie: Yeah.

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So weird, but you know, on par for like

moms who just are really, you know, are

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really emotionally mature, which she is,

but that's because she got pregnant at.

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13 years old, right?

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13.

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Yeah.

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Had a baby at 14.

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We grew up together and there was a lot

of life that she missed and a lot of

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life opportunities of learning that she

missed because she was in survival mode.

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But I had my son in 2015 and

I had not talked to my mom.

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My wedding was, I think it was 2014.

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I had my son in 2000 and 15,016.

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I'm coming.

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From somewhere on a random Saturday and

there is a box in front of my door And

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I'm like, okay And I take the box in

the house and I look on the box like

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the label and it's from her and it's

filled with like baby things clothes

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and shoes and pampers and white And

I had no idea how she got my address.

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I have no idea how she knew that

I was pregnant and had a baby.

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Have a suspicion about maybe

who told her how she found out.

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But that started a new catalyst.

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I said, okay, maybe she's trying, right?

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Maybe things have changed.

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And I reached out to her, thanked her.

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Probably a couple of months went by,

went to her home for Thanksgiving.

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Things were fine.

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We would talk every so often, like once

or twice a year, up until three years

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ago, where she promised to purchase.

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She's like, Oh, let me buy

your kids school clothes.

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Let me do that.

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I want that.

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That happened.

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She said that and that's been missing.

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Was that like a flashback?

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Let me buy your wedding dress.

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Let me buy the school clothes.

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It is literally the pattern of

it and it's never me offering or

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asking, it's always her offering.

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But I really think what happens is she

makes a commitment and she really wants

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to, however, then she's unable to, and

instead of saying, I am unable to do this.

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She just gets missing.

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However, it is me being left, right?

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With another broken promise and

having to fit the situation that I've

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depended on you to come through with.

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And so I said, I'm not going to reinitiate

this because every time we never talk

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about what all of what you've done, right?

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I just tried to pick up where we left off.

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And if it comes up, I'll talk about it.

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But I'm just not willing

to do that anymore.

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Brittney Scott (2): Yeah.

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So she doesn't initiate.

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Is there any imps from her?

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There's nothing.

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Crystal Currie: And for example, I've

had my same phone number since I was 16.

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I am 39.

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Brittney Scott (2): Yeah.

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If you want it to,

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Crystal Currie: there's not

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Brittney Scott (2): a lot of avenues

she'd have to go down to find you.

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It's pretty easy.

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Crystal Currie: And I'm still in contact

with several of my family members and

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they know where I live and they know.

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I didn't get in contact with me and I

didn't get in contact with my husband.

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So,

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Brittney Scott: man,

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Crystal Currie: that's so sad.

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It is sad.

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It's very heartbreaking.

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It's something that I've really had

to be intentional on one healing from

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to being gracious with myself, right?

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Because there's never a time where

a daughter does not need her mother.

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Right.

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Wedding.

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I have two kids now trying to raise

kids and just different parts of my life

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where I've accomplished great things.

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And it's always a thought of, it

will be great to be able to call

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my mom or share this with her.

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But having the understanding that, Hey,

Chris, it's okay for you to have those

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sad feelings when you can't, but it's

also okay to have an understanding that

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if she wanted to, she would, and so I

don't have to take on that responsibility.

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Of being a child, an adult child

who is forcing a parent to be an

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active participant in my life,

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Brittney Scott (2): right?

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I see so many stories of women saying

they're maybe estranged from their mom

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or they desire to be, but that their mom

is a big part of their children's lives.

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Yeah, and I often wonder, like,

that dynamic has to be painful,

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but that's not even your story.

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She sent one box of baby stuff, but

it wasn't even like she tried to be

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a part of her grandchildren's life.

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Crystal Currie: Yeah, I, for

me, for me, because, and this is

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just my thought process, right?

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Because my children

are an extension of me.

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Like, I would love her to have a

relationship with them, but you don't get

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to reject me and engage with them, right?

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That's not a dynamic that

I want to be a part of.

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Of course, if they get older and

you still want a relationship with

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them, you are more than welcome to.

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But, My kids are five and seven, so they

don't drive, they don't have a phone,

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so any communication or interaction with

them, it has to go through me, right?

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And I don't want you to not want me,

but also want them, but need me to be

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close to them, if that makes sense.

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Brittney Scott (2): I completely agree.

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In my mind, you can't have the privilege

of being a grandparent while taking

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no responsibility of being a parent.

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Crystal Currie: Right.

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Agreed.

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Like you

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Brittney Scott (2): you just can't do

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Crystal Currie: that.

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Mm hmm.

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Brittney Scott (2): What were

the dynamics like growing up?

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So your mom was 13 She got

pregnant with you had you at 14?

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I'm assuming you guys lived with

your grandmother tell me that

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what was the dynamics like because

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Crystal Currie: Baby, the

dynamics was very interesting.

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So when she got pregnant her

and my dad were neighbors.

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They lived across the street from

each other When both of their families

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were going through their own stuff.

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So her getting pregnant with

me added a whole dynamic

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that nobody was prepared for.

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But in fact, they sent her to.

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A group home for pregnant

teenagers about three hours away.

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And so she was here and she gave

birth to me away from her family

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and brought me back to our hometown.

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And from there, I bounced

around to different people.

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Until she was 18 and she was

able to get her own place.

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And then she was able when I was

around five to come back and get me.

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And then I lived with her and she

had a live in boyfriend for a while.

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She had about two live in boyfriends,

one temporary boyfriend in between,

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but the house, the growing up, I just

seen and was exposed to things that.

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I should have not because she was

growing up too, honestly, just trying to

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figure out she didn't have any support.

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She lived in the same city as her

family and there was not much support

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there either because they didn't

have the ability to support her.

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So it was pretty traumatic and I

didn't realize how traumatic it

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was until I became an adult and I

began to repeat some of the old,

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some of the patterns that I saw.

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Brittney Scott (2): Yeah.

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Okay.

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So you were able to see through

your own behavior that should

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not have been occurring.

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Yeah.

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Oh, this is horrible, but I don't know how

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Crystal Currie: to stop.

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Yeah.

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Are you comfortable saying

what some of those were?

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Yeah.

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Oh, my relationships

were absolutely horrible.

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Like romantic relationships.

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I went to cause when I was 17.

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My first boyfriend in college was 37.

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So a 70 year old.

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Yeah.

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We're 37 year old.

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Okay.

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Yes.

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And it was, and then stopped dating him.

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And then I was getting, I was

in relationships where I dated.

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Projects like people who needed

to be built and didn't have much.

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And so I was ignoring

the red flags, right?

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I think, and I can turn red flags,

green and all of that stuff.

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And then not really good with money

and then being an overworker and an

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overachiever and still being just

chronically unhappy, those were just

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a lot of the patterns that I had.

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And then I got married.

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And that's when I realized how

extremely dysfunctional I was.

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That was a very, that was a very

clear turning point in my life.

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Brittney Scott: Yeah.

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So what'd you do?

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Crystal Currie: Oh, it went to think.

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It all in my head.

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Because I was just so dysfunctional,

very controlling, operating out of fear.

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My attachment style was very disorganized.

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It was like, I love you so

much, please don't leave me.

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I want you close, but don't get too close.

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All of that.

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Brittney Scott: And just

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Crystal Currie: very

argumentative, very combative.

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And my husband sat me down and

was like, Okay, either you go to

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therapy or we're getting a divorce.

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There is no in between.

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Okay, so

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Brittney Scott (2): you had not

that you had to you could have

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said, okay, bye, but You make the

decision that to save your marriage

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Crystal Currie: you would go Yeah, and

hear me when he said you need to go to

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therapy understand that I didn't think

I needed therapy at all If it comes to

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that Once the ultimatum hits the table,

that's usually Yeah, and I remember I was

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like, okay if you to save my marriage i'm

gonna go I remember calling the counseling

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office You I was so controlling, right?

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I knew it all.

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I remember calling the counseling

office and I said, this is the

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type of therapist that I need.

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And I laid out the type of

therapist that I needed.

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I laid out what I thought

that I needed to work on.

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And I'm sure that

receptionist was like, okay.

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And then I met with my therapist the

first day and it all, she helped me see

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me and how broken I was and how lost I

was and how I was a very good person.

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But just really wanted to be loved, but

was afraid of being loved because how much

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love had hurt me and how much me wanting

to be loved had not gotten me anywhere.

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I'm

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Brittney Scott (2): curious, what

kind of therapist did you need?

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Crystal Currie: I said, I need

a direct, upfront therapist.

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Therapist that deals with trauma,

but does not have her own trauma.

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I want her to be white because

I don't want her to judge me or

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think that she knows much about me.

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What did I say?

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I just need to learn how to communicate.

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I just need to learn how

to manage my emotion.

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And that was pretty much the gist of it.

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Brittney Scott (2): Okay.

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So then you go into your first

sessions with a therapist ever.

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Yes.

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Yeah.

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And you get a good one who helps you

to actually see yourself and able

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to reflect you back to you in a way

that you could actually digest it.

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Not in a way that felt judgmental, not

in a way that felt like ugly, but you

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could actually take it in and accept it.

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Crystal Currie: Yes.

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Yes.

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She's amazing.

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Brittney Scott (2): Is

she still your therapist?

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Crystal Currie: Yes.

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I love that.

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She's amazing.

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Yeah.

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And she looked at me after I told

her everything, and she, I will never

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forget, she said, you are the calmest,

angriest person I have ever met.

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You are so angry, and I just cried,

because I was so angry, right?

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Like, me being confrontational and lashing

out at my husband was all anger, right?

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And the anger was because I was just

so mad that I was so broken and there

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was nothing that I could do about

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Brittney Scott: it.

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Yeah.

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Brittney Scott (2): Hey, Brittney here.

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I am interjecting for a second.

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Let's chat.

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What Crystal has described so far

in her experience with her mother

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and her dating life is abandonment.

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She experienced being

abandoned by her mom.

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She would show up, make

these grand promises.

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And then when she couldn't follow

through on the promise, she disappeared.

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Crystal also talked about dating

people who were projects for her.

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I believe that with the fear of

abandonment and having your own emotional

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needs unmet, it's easier to focus on

a partner that needs your help, that

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needs your support, that needs you to

build them up because of two things.

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The I.

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D.

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in your head is that.

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They're not going to leave because

you're doing all of this for them.

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You're, you're doing too much

for them, for them to leave.

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And then the other part is when

you're so focused on them, you

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don't have to focus on yourself.

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You're neglecting your own mental health

or the things that you need to work on.

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Because you're putting all your

focus and energy on the project, on

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building this person up to be the best

person that you believe they can be.

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Sometimes it's easier to just

ignore what you have going on

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inside of your own heart and mind.

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Fear of abandonment

can look a lot of ways.

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It can show up as people pleasing, it can

show up as somebody who's very insecure,

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who attaches to people very quickly and

does whatever they can to not lose them,

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but also can sometimes be the opposite.

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Where you won't let yourself

attach to people because you

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already expect to lose them.

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So you just move on quickly.

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All of your relationships seem

very surface level and shallow,

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and you're quick to just move on

because you already have that fear

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that people are going to leave you.

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And fear of a abandonment can also

show up as repressed anger, um,

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and control issues, which may be

part of what Crystal experienced.

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All right, back to the interview.

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Okay.

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So with your mom, before you made the

decision to be estranged and rightfully

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so, and then it's like, she comes back

and you try again and then still the

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exact same behavior when you were younger,

did you make any attempts, um, to help

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to change the relationship or get her

to see that you were hurting or angry?

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Oh yeah.

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That's why I'm a

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Crystal Currie: reformed people, please.

396

Right.

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All people can start

out as parent pleasers.

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So I really, As a child, just try to do

what I felt would please her, what I felt

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would make her see me, make her happy.

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There was this underlining desire for her

to not feel like keeping me was a mistake.

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Say that again.

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There was this underlining

desire to get her to believe that

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keeping me was not a mistake.

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Okay.

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I'm following.

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Okay.

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So I tried to be a good

girl in a scene, right?

408

I tried to make things easy for her.

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I was cooking, I was

cooking full course meals.

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I was cleaning.

411

I have a baby sister.

412

I was getting her dressed and ready for

daycare before I was going to school.

413

I was trying to be, you know,

seen, not heard good grades, not

414

getting any trouble, you know,

didn't really deal with boys.

415

I tried to do all of those things.

416

Just to make it easier because I

just felt like I was such a burden.

417

So I was trying to be less of a burden.

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During that time

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Brittney Scott (2): for a child that

is a major undertaking so much of

420

an undertaking so much Emotionally

421

Crystal Currie: physically

like that's a lot to carry.

422

Oh, it's so much to carry and I carried

it Until you know that breaking point

423

Brittney Scott (2): Yeah.

424

Mm hmm.

425

Brittney Scott (2): Did she ever see you?

426

Was there ever any kind of

acknowledgment for what you were doing?

427

Crystal Currie: Yeah, I

would say in big ways.

428

So graduating high school,

graduating college,

429

that's it.

430

Brittney Scott (2): Other

than those two milestones?

431

Crystal Currie: No, not really.

432

Everything else was like, this

is what you're supposed to do.

433

Brittney Scott: Got it.

434

Crystal Currie: Like you're

supposed to get good grade.

435

You're supposed to help out in the house.

436

This is what you, if you

weren't just helping out.

437

I was coping.

438

Right.

439

Brittney Scott (2): Did

your mom ever get married?

440

Was your wedding the first time that

she ever disappeared like that on you

441

or had that been happening before?

442

Crystal Currie: So Disappear, yes.

443

But that was because

I wasn't in her house.

444

Usually it would just

be the silent treatment.

445

So.

446

Because we didn't live in the same

house, the silent treatment became

447

disappearance, if that makes sense.

448

God, it does.

449

Brittney Scott (2): Yes, it does.

450

Okay, so you experienced a silent

treatment or that same kind of behavior

451

well before that, the wedding dress issue.

452

Yeah.

453

What, what caused that?

454

What were the, not that anything a child

does should ever cause silent treatment.

455

That's not okay.

456

That's abusive.

457

But what were like the

events that would start that?

458

Crystal Currie: Yeah.

459

If I did something that was unfavorable,

I, I felt like there was always

460

like this boundary to not cross and

these boundaries to stay within.

461

And that was the good girl.

462

And if I didn't think to step

out of that, then that's what.

463

So it became, if I.

464

Use my voice, state of my opinion, right?

465

Identify with something that was

not consistent with what she thought

466

that I should be doing or expressing.

467

That would happen to me.

468

How long would these last?

469

It would depend.

470

So it would be silent treatment,

that could be like a day or two.

471

Or it could be like, sleepover.

472

Right?

473

In middle school, I remember this clearly.

474

There was a sleepover in middle

school, all my friends were

475

going to my friend's house.

476

I was really excited to go.

477

It was supposed to be a

Friday to that Saturday.

478

I, for example, I don't remember

what I did, but I didn't do something

479

to her liking or I stepped outside

the bounds and she was like,

480

see, that's why I did that test.

481

You're not going to the sleepover.

482

So it would be that kind of stuff.

483

Brittney Scott (2): So she

probably already had in her

484

mind, you weren't going.

485

Yes.

486

But she tries to help you to do something

she doesn't want you to do or to act in a

487

way that she could then use against you.

488

Crystal Currie: Yes.

489

Which I'm sure felt isolating.

490

Very isolating and felt it was a feeling

of never feeling like I could win.

491

Or feeling like anything was good enough.

492

Brittney Scott (2): There's been just

throughout my career, a few parents

493

that I've had to talk to about isolating

their children from their friends.

494

I'm like, you're causing a lot of

like extra damage on top of what

495

you're doing yourself, but isolation

from friends is very damaging.

496

Yes, it is.

497

Friendships are part of a huge

part of development and to

498

that.

499

Brittney Scott (2): Now, not to say you

don't discipline them, of course you do,

500

Crystal Currie: but There are more ways.

501

Yes.

502

You teach what you want to

teach without isolating.

503

Yeah.

504

Brittney Scott (2): Okay.

505

So you're this adult

who is rightfully angry.

506

Your therapist describes as

like a quiet, angry person.

507

Your husband tells you

you've got to go to therapy.

508

Crystal Currie: Yes.

509

Brittney Scott (2): Were there any

other relationships in your life

510

that Was there anyone else in your

life that was able to point out your

511

behavior other than your husband?

512

Crystal Currie: Um, we have a we have

some amazing people in our life like other

513

adults in our life who we confide in And

he was telling them about me and they were

514

saying okay Like you need you need to go

ahead and go and so I was able to receive

515

it Much better from them than him because

I was like, okay No, I'm not the problem,

516

that's where you live from, right?

517

If I do need to go, it's only for

these little bitty things, right?

518

But you And so I've never had, like,

anger towards anyone else, but my husband

519

is the closest person to me, right?

520

Right.

521

So he's the one that knows my great

things and things I need to work towards.

522

But when other people were coming to

me that he confided in and said, Hey.

523

You need to go to theater.

524

I said, I'll go.

525

I'll do it.

526

If y'all want me to, okay.

527

Brittney Scott (2): So what, if

anything, if you can think back or you

528

can even answer like today or do both,

what did you need or what do you need

529

from your mom that you did not get?

530

What would have made the relationship

even a tenth of a point better?

531

Crystal Currie: What did, I'm at a point,

I can answer this from where I am now.

532

I am to a point where I have developed a

deep sense of compassion for her because

533

as a mom, I can understand the internal

turmoil that has to be experienced for

534

you to be negligent to your children.

535

Right?

536

Yeah.

537

Like it is not something

that comes naturally, right?

538

Moms are naturally nurturing.

539

And so there has to be something

significant happening, an internal

540

suffering that had to be happening

for her that broke that peace in her.

541

Right.

542

And so my answer to your question would

be, I would need her to take care of her

543

and address her own mental health stuff

because in my family, mothers not talking

544

to daughters or have a relationship with

their daughters is generational, right?

545

Um, so she doesn't have

a close relationship with

546

her mother, doesn't talk.

547

My grandmother did not

talk to her mother, right?

548

Right.

549

So it's generational.

550

Um, and so there were things that she

could not give me because she did not.

551

Right.

552

Right.

553

And so I would need her to address that

for her in order to be better for me.

554

But even though we are estranged now,

my desire is still for her to be better.

555

Did you have a relationship

with your grandma?

556

Brittney Scott (2): No.

557

Okay.

558

So your mom didn't have a

relationship with her mom, really?

559

Her mom didn't.

560

We've got this cycle of that

relationship just continuing to break?

561

Yes.

562

But you're changing

that for your children.

563

Crystal Currie: Yes.

564

And I have, because I understand

just how cycles work and

565

just how me and my daughter's

relationship, I am committed to.

566

Loving her differently and even things

that I ascribe to are very different.

567

So for example, when people say, I tell

them that I have a daughter and that

568

we have a great relationship, they'll

say something like, you just wait until

569

she's a teenager, it won't be like that.

570

And I quickly correct them because

that will not be our story.

571

And yes, we will have conflict,

every healthy relationship.

572

As conflict, but you will know

how to work through our conflict.

573

Brittney Scott (2): I love that.

574

So you're the change maker.

575

Crystal Currie: Yes.

576

Brittney Scott (2): And you're

going to make sure the generations

577

after you are different.

578

Absolutely.

579

Even in the grandmother's face.

580

So if your daughter chooses, you will

be the first grandma to be there.

581

Yes.

582

Going back to your mom a bit, there's

two things that I thought about.

583

One, motherhood jealousy can turn out so

ugly if they don't know how to manage it.

584

I don't think jealousy is

necessarily this nasty emotion

585

people try to describe it to be.

586

Okay, so I thought of motherhood jealousy

and then I thought about what hurt

587

or what did she need or what was she

missing When she was sent away while

588

she was pregnant, that possibly damaged

the relationship that you guys could

589

have had, like her, like her punishment.

590

I'm wondering if that had anything

to do with struggling to connect with

591

you, um, or not fully connect with you.

592

Like you were her punishment.

593

Crystal Currie: I think it has.

594

A lot to deal with it, a

whole lot to deal with it.

595

And that is where my compassion comes in.

596

It's not that she had, she

was dealt the best hand.

597

They were 13 and 14 making

very adult decision.

598

I'm a mom myself and I consider

myself very established and it's hard.

599

It's hard in my thirties.

600

I can't imagine being 13.

601

It's, it's hard.

602

Second guess yourself and what

should you do what should I do and

603

all the other things that come with

and all the decisions that you have

604

to make like, I have compassion

for that, but I still do have a

605

responsibility to care for myself too.

606

Oh, of course.

607

Yeah.

608

So I hold both spaces.

609

I hold space for her and I hold space.

610

Brittney Scott (2): Right.

611

And holding space for her

doesn't negate the fact that

612

she still made that decision.

613

She's still, and it wasn't just

like one or two and it's, Oh,

614

I can't believe I did that.

615

I'm sorry.

616

Like she's continued to keep that up.

617

Yes.

618

Crystal Currie: Yeah.

619

Brittney Scott (2): Yeah.

620

Crystal Currie: And unfortunately when

children grow up to be adult, once they

621

don't need their parents for like concrete

needs and financial stuff like that.

622

The relationship that's left is the

one that the parent cultivated, and I

623

attempted to cultivate something new,

but you do need two willing people

624

to cultivate a healthy relationship.

625

Brittney Scott (2):

Can't just be one person.

626

Right.

627

If she's not emotionally mature enough to

get herself to a better place so that way

628

she could have a relationship with you.

629

Yeah, it'll never happen

630

Crystal Currie: right?

631

Brittney Scott (2): Yeah,

632

man in my head right now is

thinking their therapy has worked.

633

Yes

634

If you were this angry person i'm

like you are so kind and understanding

635

Crystal Currie: I I get I get it if you

go through life you get it It's just and

636

we were all dealt me my mom my sister her

mom just really dealt a bad hand right and

637

so I had to make a decision if I wanted

to keep living with this hand of cards.

638

So I wanted to switch them out.

639

And so, although it was really

hard work, I'm just grateful that

640

I switched it out and I'm playing

with a completely different hand.

641

Brittney Scott (2): Yeah, I love it.

642

I, I'm just thinking of that

analogy and this, no, this

643

deck y'all can have that back.

644

I don't want that deck.

645

Don't want it.

646

No.

647

I'll pick up this one and let,

let me see what this does for me.

648

This one I have to come over.

649

Crystal Currie: Yes.

650

And this is what I want.

651

And if I don't want this,

then I'm putting the card back

652

and I'm picking another card.

653

Yeah.

654

Yeah.

655

I think killing from your

mother room gives you the

656

privilege of choosing, right.

657

It gives you the privilege of having apps.

658

When we think about my mom did not

have many options, I want more options.

659

So I need to heal from this

mother wound because of it.

660

I have more options.

661

Brittney Scott (2): And you're

smiling while saying that.

662

They can't see that.

663

So I want to state that there's a big

smile on your face and I'm assuming

664

the options and the different things

you have chosen just bring you joy.

665

Absolutely.

666

Crystal Currie: Absolutely.

667

And that is where.

668

I just, ah, I want everybody

to be like this, right?

669

Like, having a mother

wound absolutely sucks.

670

It is completely unfair.

671

No one really understands

the suffering that happens.

672

However, you don't have to,

and I say it, die there.

673

That doesn't have to be the

end of your story there.

674

You can heal from that and live

a very fruitful life, right?

675

Brittney Scott (2): When i'm working

with clients part of healing that

676

mother wound is to create and cultivate

relationships that actually do bring

677

you joy that you fully want to be a

part of and that You love being a part

678

of because I think the healing when a

daughter doesn't get to be In a healthy

679

and happy relationship with her mom So

many other relationships struggle You Yes.

680

When you can have the relationships

in your life that just light you up.

681

Yes.

682

Part of healing that little girl

that just longs for her mom.

683

Yes.

684

Some of that she gets to have

through these other relationships.

685

Crystal Currie: Absolutely.

686

And I have some amazing relationships.

687

I have amazing people that just want to be

with me, around me, engage with me, right?

688

Having fun, smiling, right?

689

I do have those moments where I

said, Oh gosh, I wish I did have

690

my relationship with my mom.

691

However, there's so much of my life

that's blooming and so many people

692

in my life that helped me bloom.

693

That it really does soothe the

wrinkles that motherhood has caused.

694

Brittney Scott (2): I don't think, I don't

think we ever stop wanting or desiring

695

our mother, especially during big moments.

696

Yes.

697

But if you can fill some of

that void with great people,

698

Crystal Currie: yeah,

699

Brittney Scott (2): change things.

700

Crystal Currie: Absolutely.

701

Brittney Scott (2): So, if there is

a woman listening to this and can

702

resonate with your story in any way,

What would you want to leave her with?

703

Crystal Currie: I would say take the

energy or maybe the focus that has been

704

put towards trying to get your mother

to see you or trying to get your mother

705

to love you and see yourself and love

yourself and do the work that's necessary.

706

It is, the work is not easy, but

it provides a very quick reward.

707

You quickly get a return on investment.

708

Um, and everything that you build

is going to be an extension of you.

709

And so as you heal that mother wound,

as you start to see yourself and

710

give yourself space, the things that

you build, business, relationships,

711

friendships, whatever it is, you will

see the fruit of the work that you do.

712

It's going to take work,

but we do hard things.

713

We have mother wounds.

714

That was hard.

715

Getting through our

childhood, that was difficult.

716

But because we were able to do that, it

sets us up to be resilient and determined

717

enough to do this hard part too.

718

So I would just encourage her to

do the hard work and quickly see

719

the return that you're going to

get on the hard work that you do.

720

There's more people out there

that are ready to love you.

721

Yes.

722

Absolutely.

723

Absolutely.

724

Absolutely.

725

I wish podcasts like this were out

when I started because it would have

726

made it so much easy, not easier, not

feeling like I was such a unicorn.

727

Brittney Scott (2): And

although each story is unique,

728

some of the pain is the same.

729

Yes.

730

If people resonate with your

story or really liked your

731

story, where can people find you?

732

So

733

Crystal Currie: I am Crystal R.

734

Curry on all social media outlets.

735

My website is crystalcurry.

736

com.

737

Brittney Scott (2): Okay.

738

That is the end of the

interview with Krystal.

739

I hope her story resonated with

you in any way, or you learned

740

something from this episode.

741

I will have all of Krystal's

information in the show notes,

742

that way if you're interested

you can follow her if you'd like.

743

Thank you so much for listening to another

episode all the way through, and I hope

744

you are enjoying this interview series.

745

Can't wait for the next episode.

746

Bye!