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Welcome to the
Mother-Daughter Relationship.
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Show the podcast for mothers and
daughters who want to build stronger
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bonds, deepen their understanding
and transform their relationships.
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I'm your host, Brittany
Scott, licensed therapist and
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mother-daughter relationship coach.
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After years of working
with hundreds of daughters.
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And mothers.
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I've developed strategies that
help break generational patterns,
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heal wounds, and create the loving
relationships you've always wanted.
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Each week I'll be sharing insights from
real clients, expert interviews and
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practical tools you can use immediately
to improve your mother-daughter dynamic.
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Whether you're struggling with
communication breakdowns, navigating
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major life transitions, or simply
wanna take your already good
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relationship to the next level.
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The show is for you.
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And yes, the transformation I guide
my clients through can be yours too.
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I'll share more about
how you can work with me.
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It's time to experience the
relationship you both deserve.
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Are you ready?
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Let's dive in.
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Hey, welcome back to the show.
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It's your host, Brittany.
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Have you experienced your mom saying,
I want us to be close, but then
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criticizes every decision you make.
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Or maybe she agrees to go to therapy,
but then after it's scheduled, she
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cancels last minute, or she talks
about wanting to understand you
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better, but interrupts every time you
try to share something vulnerable.
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Does any of this sound familiar to you?
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Today we're talking about something I've
heard a few times when your mom says
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all the right things about wanting to
repair the relationship, but her actions
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tell a completely different story.
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If this sounds familiar, you're
not alone and I want you to stick
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around 'cause that's what we're
gonna talk about and jump into today.
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Let's start by understanding
why this disconnect happens
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between words and actions.
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Let's start by understanding why
this disconnect between words and
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actions happens so often with mothers
who have caused mother wounds.
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The first thing that's probably
going on is a fear of vulnerability.
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When your mom says she wants
to work on the relationship.
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Part of her probably means it,
and it's very honest, but actually
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doing the work requires a level of
vulnerability, accountability, and
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sitting with uncomfortable emotions
that she may not be ready for.
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That's scary for anyone, but
especially for someone who may have
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spent years avoiding these feelings
or is afraid of what it might
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mean about her or she faces them.
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Next one could be lack of self-awareness.
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Your mom might genuinely
believe she's doing the work
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because she's talking about it.
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She may not realize that
saying, I want to change isn't
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the same as actually changing.
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She might think good
intentions are enough.
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Her desire for things to be
different might be enough for her.
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Another pattern that might be
happening is defensiveness.
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if your mom has been defensive for years,
those patterns don't just disappear
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because she says she wants to work on
things when pushed to actually examine
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her behavior, those old defensive
mechanisms kick in automatically.
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And the last one, different
definitions of working on it.
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Remember in a previous episode
I explained in my perspective
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what does doing the work mean?
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Your mom might think working
on the relationship means you
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both try harder to get along.
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meanwhile you are thinking it means she
takes accountability for specific, hurtful
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behaviors and makes concrete changes.
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, Your working on it might be
completely different and.
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She thinks she's doing enough.
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You don't think she's
doing anything at all.
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Here are some specific red
flags that indicate your mom's
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words don't match your action.
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She agrees to therapy, but cancels
or reschedules frequently shows up,
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but stays silent or defensive blames
you or the therapist when session
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gets difficult and they will because
this entire topic is difficult.
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She refuses to do any homework
or practice between sessions.
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She says she wants to understand
you, but interrupts when you're
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sharing your feelings, gets defensive
immediately when you express hurt,
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turns conversation back to her own
pain, or dismisses your experiences
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as too sensitive or in the past.
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She claims she's changing,
but continues to same.
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Hurtful behaviors, makes
excuses for why she slipped up.
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Expects praise for minimal effort.
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Gets angry when you don't
immediately trust her.
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And the last red flag, she talks
about wanting closeness, but violates
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boundaries you've set, criticizes your
life choices, compares you to others.
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Only reaches out when she needs something.
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When your mom's words don't match
her actions, you end up in a
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hope and disappointment cycle.
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She says something that gives you hope.
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I really want us to have a relationship,
or, I know I've made mistakes.
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Your heart opens a little.
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You think maybe this
time will be different.
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Then her actions show you that
nothing has actually changed.
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She criticizes your parenting
at the next family gathering.
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She guilt trips you
for not calling enough.
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she interrupts you.
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When you try to express a boundary and
you feel disappointed, frustrated, or
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maybe even a little foolish for hoping,
again, the cycle is exhausting and it can
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actually be more damaging than a mother
who's upfront about not wanting to change.
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At least then you know where you stand.
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So what do you do when you're
caught in this pattern?
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Here are some practical strategies.
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Number one, focus on actions, not words.
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Stop giving weight to what your
mom says she's going to do.
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Instead, pay attention to
what she actually does.
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This isn't about being mean or cynical.
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It's about protecting yourself from
disappointment and make a decisions
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based on reality, not potential.
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Number two, set specific
measurable actions.
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Instead of accepting vague promises,
like I'll try to be better,
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ask for specific commitments.
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Mom, if you wanna work on our
relationship, I need you to commit to
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not interrupting me when I'm talking.
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Can you do that?
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Make the expectations
clear and observable.
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Either she interrupts you or she doesn't.
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Either she shows up to
therapy or she doesn't.
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Number three, create consequences
for broken commitments.
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This doesn't mean punishment.
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It means natural consequences.
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If your mom cancels therapy sessions
repeatedly, you stop scheduling them.
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If she can't respect your boundaries
during visits, you shorten the
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visits you are not trying to control
your behavior, you're controlling
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your own responses to her behavior.
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Number four, stop explaining
yourself repeatedly.
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If your mom's actions shows that she's
not ready to do the work, stop trying to
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convince her with more explanations about
why the relationship needs to change.
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She already knows the
issue isn't understanding.
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it's willingness or
knowing where to start.
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Number five, grieve the gap.
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There's a grief process that comes
with accepting that your mom's
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words don't match her actions.
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You have to grieve the mother you
hoped she could be and accept the
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mother she actually is right now.
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This doesn't mean giving up forever,
but it does mean stopping the exhausting
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cycle of hope and disappointment.
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Your mom doesn't get credit
for wanting to change.
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She gets credit for actually changing.
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Good intentions don't
undo hurtful actions.
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Saying, I'm sorry, doesn't automatically
build trust, but it is a start.
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Talking about working on the relationship
isn't the same as doing the work.
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Maybe this sounds harsh.
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I hope it doesn't 'cause
I believe it's liberating.
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When you stop giving credit for words
and start requiring action, you stop
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wasting your energy on false hope.
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While you're navigating this disconnect
between your mom's words and actions,
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you do have to protect yourself.
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You do get to feel liberated,
emotionally, protect yourself
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by not getting your hopes up.
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Every time she says something promising
hope is beautiful, and we don't
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want to lose our ability to hope.
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But it can also be painful
when it's repeatedly crushed.
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Practically protect yourself by
not changing your boundaries or
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behaviors based on her promises.
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Wait for consistent action over
time and mentally protect herself
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by remembering that her inability to
follow through on her words is about
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her limitations, not your worth.
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Your worth is never tied to her behaviors.
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So how long are you supposed
to keep trying when her words
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don't match her actions?
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Here's some things that might
help you answer that question.
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'cause I don't think
there's one specific answer.
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Keep trying.
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If she's making small, genuine
efforts, even if they're imperfect.
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Keep trying.
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If she can acknowledge that her actions
don't match her words, keep trying.
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If there's some forward movement,
even if it's slow, and keep trying.
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If you have the emotional bandwidth to
stay engaged, you should take a step back.
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If the pattern has been
consistent for years with no
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real change, take a step back.
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If staying engaged is
damaging your mental health.
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Take a step back if she blames you for
pointing out the disconnect and take
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a step back if you're exhausted from
the hope and disappointment cycle.
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Okay.
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I wanna address a question
that came in from a listener.
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It reads, my mom keeps saying she
wants to go to therapy together.
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But every time I try to schedule
it, she has an excuse or reason
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why she's not ready to start yet.
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Should I keep trying?
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When will we finally start?
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Okay, here's my advice.
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Give her one more clear opportunity.
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Say something like, mom, I'm going to send
you three therapy appointment options.
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You can commit to them.
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If you can't commit to them, I'm going
to assume you're not ready for this
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work and I'll stop bringing it up or
something like, Hey, I am going to
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search for two or three therapists
that I think would work well with us or
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accepts my insurance or is in the area.
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Whatever criteria you need for
finding somebody to work with,
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say, I'm going to search for two
or three and I'm gonna send them.
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To you.
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I want you to schedule the consultation
and meet them and see which one you like.
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We will meet with the one that you like.
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Put some of the responsibility on her.
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If you wanna see if she's serious, see if
she'll follow through on some actions that
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help to get you guys to therapy that isn't
just her showing up to the appointment.
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Then you have to follow through.
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If she doesn't commit, stop asking.
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Her actions are telling you she's not
ready, regardless of what her words say.
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You can revisit this in six months or a
year, but for now, protect your energy.
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Focus on what you can control
your own healing and growth.
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Go to therapy by yourself.
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Go meet with somebody alone.
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Go see how much healing you can do
without her having to be a part of it.
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This disconnect between your mom's
words and actions doesn't make you
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crazy, and it doesn't make her evil.
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It makes her human, a human who may not
be ready or able to do the deep work that
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repairing your relationship requires.
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Your job isn't to
convince her to be ready.
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Your job is to decide how much energy you
want to invest in someone whose actions
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don't match their stated intentions.
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Remember, you can love her and still
protect yourself from inconsistency.
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You can hope for change while
also living in the reality
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of what's actually happening.
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You can heal without
your mom being present.
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She may never be present for it.
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She may never be ready for it.
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But that doesn't mean that you can't heal.
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It doesn't mean that you can't have joyful
and healthy relationships in other people.
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And you can absolutely build a
fulfilling life, even if your
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mom never becomes the person, her
words suggests she wants to be.
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Sometimes our desire to be something.
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just won't match our ability
to actually get it done.
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Make sure through this that you're
taking care of yourself and that
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you're showing up for yourself even if
she's struggling to show up for you.
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That's all for today's episode of the
Mother-Daughter Relationship Show.
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Thanks so much for
spending this time with me.
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I hope you picked up some valuable
insights that you can start using right
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away in your own relationship to create
deeper connection and understanding.
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If something from today's
episode resonated with you,
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don't keep it to yourself.
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Share it with the mother or daughter in
your life who needs to hear this message.
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And while you're at it, please
consider leaving a rating.
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And review so we can reach more
families and transform the way mothers
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and daughters relate to each other.
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For those ready to take the next
step, you can visit my website to
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learn more about my private coaching
programs and my program designed
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specifically for mother-daughter pairs.
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Whether you're dealing with communication
challenges, life transitions, or
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just wanna strengthen an already
good relationship, I'm here to help.
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Thank you so much for listening.
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I'll see you in the next one.
