In this episode of the Pregnancy Loss and Motherhood podcast, Vallen Webb reflects on the emotional journey of pregnancy loss, exploring the signs and symbols that can connect bereaved parents to their lost children. She discusses the concept of continuing bonds, the role of spirituality in grief, and how signs from beyond can provide comfort and healing. Vallen encourages listeners to embrace the mystery of these experiences and to share their own stories of connection
What You’ll Hear:
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month can feel overwhelming.
Signs from lost children can manifest in various forms.
Continuing bonds are a healthy part of the grieving process.
Grief can lead to spiritual questioning and exploration.
You don't need a specific belief system to experience spiritual connections.
Signs are not proof but can provide comfort.
It's okay if you don't notice signs; connection exists in many forms.
Invite mystery into your grief journey.
Sharing experiences can foster community and healing.
Journaling can help process feelings and connections with lost children.
Thanks to our partnership with IMBODHI, my Favorite Mom Outfit. Join the adult onesie club! I promise you won't go back! Imbodhi is the most amazing brand out there for unique, colorful, ethically sourced, and comfy materials. Get $15.00 off using my code! The mom outfit you don't want to miss out on! https://www.imbodhi.co/VALLEN31986
“What’s one moment that felt like a sign, symbol, or connection with my baby?”
You don’t have to explain it. Just write what came up. What did it feel like in your body? What do you hope it meant?
Transcripts
Vallen Webb (:
Hi, love. Welcome back to the Pregnancy Loss and Motherhood podcast. I'm so happy to be here today. We are in November. Wow. Seriously, wow. We made it through Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, which sometimes can feel never ending and debilitating for some of us. Some years it goes by without too much emotional tax.
I don't know, with the current state of things, feel like it might have been extra this year for a lot of us. It felt like that for me.
So let's dive in.
feathers, rainbows, dragonflies, watermelons, songs on repeat. Maybe it's just a coincidence or maybe it's something more. I'm not sure if you guys have experienced this type of thing. If you've lost even somebody, know, even someone that's not necessarily a baby.
So let's dive into this, mystical, little magical and very personal. it's for anyone who's ever looked up at this sky and felt like their baby was speaking to them. If you've ever questioned whether the butterfly or dragonfly or the song, or like an intuitive whisper, in your soul was more than a coincidence. this episode was definitely made for you. So for me, after Evelyn died, I didn't want to notice anything.
Vallen Webb (:
I did not believe in anything. I was angry and pissed off and wanted a reason, wanted to know what I did, wanted to know why it was my child. But as time went on, I started noticing little things and things too that I didn't really have words for at the time. Just like, I don't know, her name would show up in books or street signs or
podcast episodes I was looking at or listening to, my kids' friends at school or new students or meeting a new doula friend or somebody else naming their daughter Evelyn.
you know, I would just, you know, sometimes it could have been and could have, could be, you know, like a perfect July day, which, you know, the week that she was born, it was like the most beautiful weather. and literally it was just like standing still in this just perfect 80 degree weather with a beautiful breeze, like right before I went to give birth to her. And so sometimes when I, it's like my body can feel that.
certain breeze and that temperature and the sky is a certain way and I have to sit with it and my body feels it way before my brain can catch up to like, what was that? What was I feeling? You know songs would come on that maybe I hadn't heard in a long time and
Somehow, you know, it was like the perfect moment that I needed that song. You know, it spoke right to the achiness and the longing that I was feeling. it, you know, it just happens sometimes when we need it the most. We don't even know sometimes that we need that. But remember, like for me, this wasn't immediate and it wasn't like a Hollywood movie moment.
Vallen Webb (:
But over time, I began to understand that she was with me in a way that defied logic, you know, like, but it felt so true. It felt so right. It felt real and visceral. There are times when I feel her, her presence, and it's like, weird, what would that feel like? Because I only got to hold her for like,
eight hours and you know I don't remember the smell of her or you know things like that. logically my brain you know is like no even though logic is sometimes it's just shit. Like what is logic? But anyways like and these signs these things that I was feeling it didn't take away the pain but they lent me a softness you know.
a sense of connection with her, like a thread back to her. I don't know if you guys had children when you experienced your loss and maybe bought a book called The Invisible String. I forget who the writer is. I'll put it in the show notes. But The Invisible String is like this mom telling her twins, like...
No matter where you are, I'm always with you. We're connected by this invisible string. You know, and the kids ask questions about like, what if that, you know, what about so and so in heaven? Yep, you're connected to by that string, you know, so a thread back to her, a thread to Evelyn, something that I could hold on to. My belief, you know, we do have parallel planes of existence and matter cannot be destroyed. Physical body, sure, it can change, right? So we get
cremated or we break down and you know with decomposition but that energy that is within us does not break down it just changes form so they are here just in a different way and it it's really hard for us to even imagine that with the cultural conditioning but that's what I believe and it's you don't have to believe that way believe me
Vallen Webb (:
Vallen Webb (06:25.848)
So these are some of the ways that I've read or heard about or spoken with Lost Moms in ways like they've experienced signs. So there are people who felt a strong connection through animals like cardinals, butterflies, dragonflies. I'm trying to think if there's any like...
I don't know, some people like had done up their nursery in like a turtle or elephant or otter or something. And then those things are, you know, what's, what's, what's, of course, connected to their baby. You know, others get chills when the song comes on that shouldn't be on maybe or some moms dream vividly and have these connections to their little ones and their dreams and others, some of us just have a knowing.
So there was a:
These experiences included dreams, auditory signs like hearing their child's voice or a symbolic sound, physical sensations, and even electrical disturbances.
Vallen Webb (:
And this isn't fringe, it's part of the grieving experience for many. And in grief literature, these are referred to as continuing bonds.
A concept that suggests maintaining a connection with the deceased rather than letting go. And it's normal and healthy part of grief.
And I am not even kidding you guys, I just... I got...
This is so crazy. You know where I didn't think about it? But continuing bonds. I literally, I don't know if you guys send stuff to your own Facebook messenger so like you can save pictures and other things. But this morning, wow, I was on my Facebook thing. I was like, wait, I have so many things that I sent or saved.
And I went to a little bit a few weeks after Evelyn died. I had sent myself an article on continuing bonds.
Vallen Webb (:
That's insane. Okay, I'm gonna have feelings about that. So I was meant to be talking about this today apparently. And one thing I wanna say too pretty loud and clear, you don't have to subscribe to any religion or belief system to feel spiritually connected. Religion and spirituality,
are not the same thing. Grief often cracks us open spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally. I mean, even if we didn't identify that way before, it also doesn't mean that we have to label it. You can try things out. You can see how it feels. Try it on.
In the Handbook of Thanatology, it's shared that grief can provoke existential and spiritual questioning. And sometimes those who are not religious before develop their own spiritual language or meaning after loss. It's something we turn to, like whether you believe in God, the universe, source, your baby's soul, or just simply energy, that's enough.
There's no right way to experience signs and there's no moral checklist for being a spiritual griever or religious griever.
It's...
Vallen Webb (:
We're searching for something that we lost. That is how I look at it. When Evelyn died initially that first year, I'd say I hated the idea of silver linings, right? Like something had to come out of this. Something has to. Like how does a God let a baby die who's full term and ready to come to earth? Now I've...
I've been educated a lot on souls and how I believe that babies choose their families. And sometimes maybe they're not ready to come to earth. Maybe the point of them coming was just this, you know, for us to experience them in our womb, to connect, to believe in something.
Maybe, you know, sometimes I look at it as maybe our babies didn't die, but they had finished what they came to Earth to do, which was to be a catalyst of some sort in our life so that we're able to fulfill a purpose or, you know, whatever plan, you know.
was meant for our life or our destiny. And again, you don't have to believe that.
Everything that I've done since she has died has led me to believe that these things are true for me.
Vallen Webb (:
You know, it's.
And we can always, and another thing I'll say.
lovingly to clarify something and it's that signs are not necessarily proof. It's not like an escape hatch from the pain. They don't help us in the long run. They're not a substitute for like therapy or grief work or community healing.
You don't have to receive these signs to be connected because I also don't want you to feel like if you haven't noticed those things like you and your baby are not connected or you can't find them.
Vallen Webb (:
I talked to Evelyn a lot, just out loud, to myself. talked, we're pictures or, you know, her own. I've been making a lot of cremation jewelry, practicing all the very cool things that I'm learning in that way, you know, and.
Vallen Webb (:
If you haven't experienced this, it's okay. And it doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong or your baby's not there. I feel like a lot of these signs and symbols, you have to also be open to receiving them. It's like a bridge, you know, between worlds. I always say, especially in birth work,
birth and death, there is like a thin veil and it reveals so much and birth isn't, you know, living birth, like a live birth, a happy birth is not guaranteed. We don't get that choice.
just kind of looking at it as a bridge, you know, between our worlds, between the seen and unseen. And when you do experience something that feels like a nudge or feels like, mom, I'm here, or, you know, a dragonfly, like lands on you, my entire family and all my kids, sorry, I should say my husband and my kids, not like family outside of our immediate family. But when there is a butterfly, everybody.
Every person says something like this.
Vallen Webb (:
Yay, Evelyn's visiting us today. And it doesn't matter what other people think. We don't have to prove that to anybody. We can hold it like a secret. We can fold up that little meaningful moment and just hold it in our heart and our head.
Vallen Webb (:
So when do you see those things? I know for me I'm always like, sometimes, I'm like, I wonder if you're like sending me a message. I'm wondering this or that. I had a dream. It was not a good dream. Excuse me.
I had this crazy dream.
that me, Bodie and Evelyn were in some sort of parking garage outside of like this restaurant or something. And I took them in. I took Evelyn inside to change her diaper, but left Bodie outside on the car in the winter. You know, and I woke up and it felt so real. It was so scary. I'm like, I can't believe I would do that. Like.
What are these dreams trying to tell me? know, like, Evelyn was alive and I know that that's not a fact.
So, I mean, if you've experienced that, you're like.
Vallen Webb (:
What's my baby saying? I'm sorry, I don't have an answer, but I do believe this. you're still, when you're open, when you can receive...
Vallen Webb (:
you know, when you're hurting.
Vallen Webb (:
That tends to be for me where those whispers come from or the symbols or symbolic meaning of what we gave meaning to certain things. Maybe it's just a moment of peace that you didn't know you could feel. Maybe it's the first time that you're experiencing joy after your loss. You're laughing or smiling and you're noticing it. That all counts.
invite the mystery in, like let go of the pressure to know, just notice. I think that's a beautiful part of our world and our life is that we will never know, you know, until we die and hopefully maybe it extends beyond.
Vallen Webb (:
So that was just kind of what I wanted to touch on today. And I would really love if you would share with me in the comment of whatever podcast platform you're listening on is to leave me a comment with your favorite sign or symbol that reminds you of your baby and use the hashtag still connected on Instagram.
if you share this, which I hope you will. I'm trying to build up the platform. The last week, we've gotten like multiple days of hundreds of downloads and I'm like, my God, I'm so excited. I love you guys so much. But I read all those comments and I am here for you always and your babies.
Vallen Webb (:
If you're a journaler, a prompt that you could use today would be, what's one moment that felt like a sign, symbol, or connection with my baby? You know, and you don't have to explain it. You can just write what come up, but you can also explain it in whatever way you believe. You know, what did it feel like in your body? What do you hope it meant? And I'll also put that in the show notes, and I'm also gonna put the references in the show notes if you guys wanna learn more about the stuff that we learned.
talked about today. I love you guys so much. Make sure to leave a comment and I'm gonna ask a favor if you would, you know, do so. Please leave a review on whatever platform you are on. It really helps grow the podcast and as a one woman show, literally doing all of it. my gosh guys, I would appreciate it so much. I love you all so much and I'll see you next week.
