Slow Down and Question the Stories Controlling Your Choices

Why Do Stories Take Hold?

I start by recalling a high school memory: there was someone I admired from afar but convinced myself was out of reach. The story I told myself then—“she’ll never go out with me”—seemed so logical at the time that I never even tried to ask. This early lesson stuck with me in surprising ways as I got older. It wasn’t just a high school crush; the same pattern resurfaces even in adulthood.

For example, more recently, I hesitated to invite a high-profile guest to the podcast. The old narrative returned: “they’re too important, they won’t respond.” When I examined it, though, I realized it was just that—a narrative with no real evidence behind it. I didn’t know they would say no. I wasn’t rejected; I simply made up a story and acted as though it were already true.

How Our Brains Protect Us

Reflecting further, I notice how often these inner stories are about keeping us safe. Our brains, in many ways, are doing their job—shielding us from pain or disappointment. But there’s a danger in allowing this protective instinct to overrule reality. When self-doubt or insecurity becomes the main script running in our minds, we risk accepting fiction as fact.

I encourage you to take a step back and observe the impact these stories have on your own life. Whether it’s at home, at work, or in your personal relationships, these internal narratives can hold us back, sometimes for years. The good news is that none of this is set in stone; we all have opportunities to pause and question our assumptions.

The Challenge and Reward of Questioning

I share a more personal example—the story I internalized during childhood about abandonment. Because of experiences in my early life, I unknowingly carried this fear into adulthood. It took decades before I finally challenged the belief that every relationship could end in abandonment. It wasn’t easy—changing these ingrained stories takes real effort, and our minds are adept at convincing us their version is the truth.

Still, through intentional reflection and curiosity, I was able to recognize that while abandonment can happen to anyone, living in constant expectation of it was no longer serving me. When we allow ourselves to slow down and really look at these stories, we can often separate fact from feeling, and open ourselves to new possibilities.

Moving from Fear to Intention

Whether it’s the hesitation to send a podcast invitation or deeper wounds from our past, the pattern is the same: the stories feel real and comfortable, sometimes more so than the possibility of a positive outcome. Our brains resist new evidence, preferring what’s familiar and “safe.” That’s why it’s so important to confront these narratives with intention and, above all, self-compassion.

I’m not here to lecture on brain science, but I am passionate about the importance of being intentional—slowing down, getting curious, and treating disappointment as another temporary guest, not as a permanent state. If we can listen to our disappointment, even give it a “microphone,” we may gain the courage to move past it. Over time, this builds new neural pathways—new patterns that support healthier thinking and richer relationships.

Tips for Managing the Inner Narrative

Before wrapping up, I offer a few practical suggestions:

• Slow Down: Find moments in your day to quiet your mind. Turn off music during your commute, take a few deep breaths, or carve out five minutes for reflection. Finding mental stillness, even briefly, makes space for honest questioning.
• Question Without Judgment: Take an inventory of your thoughts. Ask yourself, “Is this story really true? Why do I believe it? Is it serving me?” It’s not about whether you’re good or bad for believing a story, but whether it’s true and helpful now.
• Validate and Adjust: Not every story we tell ourselves is false. Some have value and should remain part of our worldview. The key is to ensure they’re valid, not self-limiting myths.

Throughout the episode, I reflect on how our value systems shift as we age. As children, what truly matters is straightforward—family, close friends, relationships. But as we grow and life becomes more complex, outside influences (career, money, status) compete for top billing. Our internal stories often reinforce these shifting priorities, sometimes to our detriment.

The Lasting Impact of Our Stories

As I close, I return to a conversation with a client who realized while watching his children that the simplest values often matter most. It’s a reminder that the stories we tell ourselves don’t just affect us—they shape our relationships and what we pass on to others. By continually examining and updating these stories, we honor what’s genuinely important.

In each episode, Jeff and Eric will talk about what emotional intelligence, or understanding your emotions, can do for you in your daily and work life. For more information, contact Eric or Jeff at [email protected] or visit their website, Spirit of EQ.

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Hello, everyone. Welcome to the show. Today I want to talk about something that has been on my mind for quite a while, especially in the last few weeks. I recorded a couple of shorts not long ago that kind of touches on this. But today I want to talk to you a bit about stories, and specifically the stories in your head, where they come from, how valid are they, and what kind of sway do they have over you? Not necessarily in that order, but let me start by telling you a story, one that wasn't just in my head. So when I was in high school, like many, I had certain girls that I found to be beautiful, cute, whatever, right? And I really liked them from afar and like many teenagers, didn't have a ton of courage in that department. And this one particular girl, I thought, you know what? She's never going to go out with me. She's.

Look at how many guys are interested in her. And she kind of knew it. I thought, right, so guess what? I never asked her out. And at that time, it made total sense. Because here's the interesting thing. The story in my head said, she'll never go out with you. And, you know, maybe that was my brain's way of protecting me. Maybe it made it easy, you know, don't have to endure the pain of a rejection and all of that.

But it's interesting, as innocently as that situation was, it carries on. I'm way past my days of high school, but the stories created in my head continue. Now, I had a conversation with a client here recently, and we were talking about relating to the podcast. There was a specific guest that I had in mind that I really was interested in having on the show. But my perception, not unlike with the girl in high school, was that the person is too big, right? As in popular, call him a rock star, whatever you want to call it, and, you know, I shouldn't even bother. They're not going to respond. They don't know who I am, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? So I took a moment in this time with my client and I said, you know, if somebody were to ask me, well, how do you know they wouldn't agree to come on the show? I would have to tell them, I don't know. Well, if you don't know, how can you say so? Sure that they won't? And my response was, it's because I made it up.

I made it up in my head. See, this is the insidious part of the stories we tell ourselves. And I'm not going to go all neuroscience y on you because I'm not a neuroscientist. I'm just giving you experience. And what I've. I've encountered in my own head. But there's a lot of observational data here for me as I go back over time, I can look at how many times I didn't take a chance, I didn't ask, I didn't move forward because a story got created in my head that either told me it was a waste of time or, you know, why bother? You know, you don't. That's too risky.

You know, fill in the blank with all the different scenarios and I get it once again, my brain probably doing its job, thinking or maybe operating better, said in a way to protect me from rejection, from disappointment and all of those things. But these stories can be dangerous, too. I've given you examples of things that maybe in the big scheme of things, first world problems, but where the danger comes in is when it relates to situations of a more grave nature that maybe are carried on and fueled by your insecurities, where you begin to believe that the story is real, not just debatable, but fact. So in our time together today, I'd like to ask you to think about that and think about the way the stories that you've been telling yourself have impacted the outcomes in your life and fill in the blank with the area of life, family, friends, work, pursuits, whatever it may be. And the beautiful part about this is, is that we can go back and check the stories. We can call a timeout to reset, to look at, to validate, to probe, to question, to be curious. Because I firmly believe that the more we can do that, we'll end up with stories in our head that are more than likely climbing closer to actual truth and fact. And who knows, maybe it would lead to some breakthrough that you haven't been able to get to for many years.

So let's start this way. And I've used this example in multiple settings, and maybe you've heard it before here on the podcast, but let's think about a story, and I'll use me as an example from, from my life. It's probably, again, something you've heard on the show before, but based on some experiences I encountered as a kid, I had this fear of abandonment. And you can trace into my childhood some settings or situations that would make that reasonable, that that might be something I would sort of embrace as a story in my head. That abandonment was always on the table for my relationships. But I'm not going to go into what that event was or what that situation was, because that's not as important as the story and its relevance today. And it took me decades to finally come to grips and to finally sort of test that story for its validity in my life. And, man, though, I in some ways have a small r regret that I didn't do it sooner.

But I figured out when I examined the story that it wasn't true. Now, the reality is abandonment can happen and does happen to everybody at some level, in some way. That's just part of the human experience. But should I go through life expecting it from all my relationships? Is it true? Is it really true? And what I found by slowing down and examining, testing, if you will, I came to that conclusion. Now, I'm not telling you this is easy work. Nothing of value is right. But I have to acknowledge it is really hard because those stories and our brain is very good at making it compelling, convincing that it's true. So in some ways, you're kind of swimming upstream, swimming against the tide to get to the truth.

Because whether it's the podcast guest that I used as an example or the girl from high school or the grave, deep thing of abandonment, it felt right. It felt true. It made sense to me. It made more sense to me than the more positive outcome or the potential of a positive outcome. And in doing that, it. It implies that you and I have got to be intentional, that we've got to be powerful in our pursuit here, because, again, your brain is going to resist you even questioning the story, because more than likely your brain and my brain thinks the story that was concocted is the safest, easiest, and most protective. And you and I going in and saying, no, that doesn't apply. I should go ahead and try anyway.

I should go ahead and ask. I should examine whether or not every person is looking to abandon me. I'm not here to tell you exactly the science behind how our brain works and why it does this or that. The important thing is, is I want to communicate the importance of intentionality here, tackling it head on. And, you know, some of us are afraid to go there because the alternative to what stories we have in our head might seem even more daunting. Well, Eric, if I give up the story around, they're not going to agree to fill in the blank with me. Well, what does that look like? I don't want to feel rejected. I don't want to.

I don't want the disappointment. Well, see, this is the power of slowing down, of curiosity, of not judgment. Why don't we look at Disappointment and not be so bothered by it. Because if you live long enough, you've had a lot of disappointment. Small, medium, large, most of the time. We survive, we're able to carry on, we're able to get over it. Now, it might take me a little longer than you or fill in the blank, the person that you're closest to. But the reality is, is disappointment really that big of a deal? And I'm not minimizing it because I don't like the feeling of it either.

I guess I'm saying is that maybe we could ask disappointment to sit down with us. Maybe we can ask disappointment to tell us what's going on with them, what's their motivation, Give them the mic, let them have their say. What I have found for me is that in doing that, it builds courage because all of a sudden I find, you know, it's my brain just trying to protect me. Now, you've heard on our show the talk about neural pathways. Well, this is another example. I can build a new neural pathway. I can build a new neural pathway that says that. Podcast guest.

No, I'm going to ask any person and every person that I think is going to be best for our audience, no matter what their size, scope, personality, celebrity, non celebrity, whatever it may be. If I feel like they're a great guest or potential guest, I'm going to ask them. And yes, I get it. Some won't respond, some will say no. But you know what? Some will say yes. And that is worth that pursuit, even with all of its potential for disappointment. Again, I'm kind of liking this to the idea of ordering things in such a way in our brain that we're able to be more healthy. And it is a pursuit that positions us for better relationships with ourselves and with others.

So here are some tips for you before I close out today. The first is slow down. And you may say, eric, I'm sorry, I'm super busy. I've got this, I've got that. I'm a single parent. I understand. And I'm not telling you to set all of those things aside, but you can slow down a little bit at some point in some way, right? I mean, at the end of the day, you're driving from work to grab your kids to go to soccer practice, right? So maybe what you do in that 20 minute drive home is you turn off your radio, your music, whatever device and you just slow your brain down. Meaning I'm just, I'm going to just breathe.

I'm going to just, I'm going to Slowly think, slow thinking, Right? And that's just one way you also could build it into your calendar. Right? You're not busy 24 7. Right. You can carve out five minutes. Maybe that's your starting point, to just slow down, to just reflect. And by the way, these are the times when I think questioning the stories, validating your stories can be really powerful because if we don't slow down, what will happen? It'll be always this wishful. One day I will. I wish I didn't think about it this way, but never actually doing anything about it.

So slowing down, this is going to be kind of a rehash of what I've been saying. But ultimately, in that slowing down, begin to question the stories just for validity. No judgment. You're not a bad person because you built a story that's not true. That's not what this is about. This is not about how good or bad or how smart or whatever you are. It's just. I'm just doing an inventory, right? Just gonna go ahead and look.

How am I thinking about this? And why do I think about it this way? Why is this story still residing? What should I do with this story? And by the way, some of the stories might be valid. They might need to stay this possibility. So those are two very powerful tips. Without saying, growing your emotional intelligence will do wonders for this process. It's a great supporting, foundational skill that sets you up for success. And you can listen to tons of our episodes to. To get that kind of input. So as I close out today, I want to kind of connect back to that client that I was speaking with and with something that I've been thinking about, and that's children.

Some of you may not have children, and that's okay, but I think you're going to get where I'm going. Even if you don't have kids. I have two who are now adults. But I looked back and I thought, you know, when they're kids, they have a very clear value system. And it's pretty short list. If the parents, you know, the relationship, that's probably going to be their biggest one. Where they're going to place a ton of value. Friends, extended family.

There may be some other things that are smaller and more miscellaneous in nature, but it's pretty short list. Why? Innocence. Right. But what I find is interesting is that as they go from being a kid to maybe being an adolescent to adulthood, and you know, the drill, the path of life, the list gets longer and the value system begins to change. And sometimes that's appropriate, but many times it's not. You know, this client of mine said I need to remember what's important while watching one of his kids at a soccer practice. He wrote it down in his journal. I think that's awesome.

You know what I said to him? I said, your kids also know what's most important. And it's you. And it's that. That set of things that are more relational in nature. Our kids aren't looking for the next promotion. They're probably not asking you. Are you a vice president yet? What is the stock price? When are you going to retire? Where could we move to? Where we could find our dream home? Ooh, I'd love to have that car. See, those are the things that the world system we live in tries to tell us, tries to convince us those things are most important.

Those things have the highest value. And I'm not here to judge at all. But I find it interesting that as we come to a place in our life where maybe time has moved quicker than we expected, what's really most valuable? Is it the promotion? Is it the career, the money, the house, the car? Or is it the relationships? You, just like me, have to decide what is most valuable and what you're going to be allegiant to. Because one day that's what's going to be assessed. You're going to. Your life will be a reflection of what you valued most. And there's great opportunity to set that order as it should be. And I bring this up because oftentimes our value system is affected by those stories that we tell ourselves even more.

The reason that they be validated, they'd be scrutinized because if we're not careful, if we're not careful. Thanks for tuning in. It was good to be with you. Look forward to the next time that we're together. Take care.