In this episode of The Guiding Parent Podcast, Tammy and Shannon explore the power of turning an automatic “no” into a thoughtful “yes, when” or “yes, after.” They discuss how this simple shift can reduce power struggles while still maintaining healthy boundaries.

Kids need opportunities to make choices, negotiate, develop independence, and work toward what they want—but they also need to learn that sometimes the answer really is no.

In today’s episode we look at why explaining the reason behind a limit matters, how children learn to handle disappointment, and why giving kids appropriate opportunities to say “no” themselves helps build autonomy, critical thinking, resilience, and the confidence to stand up for themselves.

Highlights:

Parents can hold the boundary while supporting children through the difficult emotions that follow.

• Turning “no” into “yes, when” or “yes, after.”
• Understanding why you’re saying no.
• Explain the reason behind boundaries.
• Children need both autonomy and the ability to handle disappointment.
• Children also need to learn how to say “no.”

About the Hosts:

In addition to being Mom to four kids in a blended family and a “Gammy,” Tammy Ulrich, MA has always been passionate about making a difference for children and families. For more than 40 years, it has been her life's work—as founder and administrator of a Montessori preschool for 24 years, a college instructor in Child & Family Studies, and now through The Guiding Mindset. Tammy helps parents truly see and understand the unique little human before them. Through practical principles and tools, she supports parents as they nurture and guide their child while navigating their parenting journey with greater confidence and ease.

Shannon Achilles is Tammy’s daughter and the original guinea pig for the Guiding Mindset. Shannon’s a working mom with an exciting job as a grant analyst and is a 20+ year military spouse. She is attempting to train for a sprint triathlon, loves reading and building LEGOs.

Shannon is parenting her own son with the Guiding Mindset framework. She is well versed in the challenges facing parents in our ever-changing world. Shannon is excited to share The Guiding Mindset with other parents and families so we can all add more ease and joy to the adventure that is parenthood.

Connect with Tammy & Shannon:

Website: www.theguidingmindset.com

Linktree (has links to everything): https://linktr.ee/TheGuidingMindset

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheGuidingMindset/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theguidingmindset

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tammy-ulrich-43604028/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCgVeKtu-X37BwzRqSzaSTxg

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Welcome to the Guiding Parent Podcast, where you'll find the mindset and tools to parent with

greater confidence, clarity, and purpose, even when there aren't any easy answers. Together,

we're going to explore how to better nurture and guide our children to support who they are and

who they're becoming so that they can fulfill their unique potential and thrive in our ever-changing

world. I'm Tammy Ulrich, your host, parenting and early childhood educator, mom, and most fun,

yammy. And I'm Shannon, your co-host. I'm Tammy's daughter and mom to a very energetic little dude

called H. We're glad you're here. Let's get started. So what if I told you that I almost

never tell my child no? Well, if I didn't know better, I'd say you are an overly permissive

parent with a spoiled kid. But I don't know why we do have this feeling that, you know,

we always have to say no. It's kind of like for many of us as parents, it's like this default

response that we have to say no. I don't know if we feel like, you know, we have to be in control

or we're afraid of spoiling our kids, but that does just seem to be like part of parenting is

having to say no. Actually, though, you know, I really didn't end up telling you no very often

either. And I didn't end up super spoiled.

I don't think so. But I do remember telling you, and this was much later when you were a teenager,

I do remember telling you that if you couldn't take it when I said no, that maybe you needed

more practice with my giving you reason to hear no. You didn't like that very much. I certainly

wouldn't say that to a very young child, but that was when you were lots older. And, you know,

there certainly are times that we do need to say no, but there's a happy medium in how we do that.

There's a lot of power in saying yes. In fact, we have an article in the gift vault that's all

about the power of saying yes. But we're going to talk kind of about what that looks like and how

we can turn no into yes. And it may seem kind of like silly or like we're, you know, being

hypercritical around language, but this is one of those weird instances where I feel like it really,

really, really makes a huge difference in preventing things like power struggles and,

you know, where our words really do matter. You can avoid that battle and I feel like it

minimizes resistance and it can create a connection. Absolutely. It makes us feel

like we're on the same team and not in opposition. You know, it creates cooperation.

It's really hard to argue with yes. You know, if I say yes, you know, even if it's yes but

or yes and it's kind of hard to argue with that. So it kind of gets us out of that power struggle

mode. So, you know, to give some examples of what this actually looks like, if you have a child

who comes to you and says, mom, I really want a cookie. And obviously it's three minutes before

dinner. You're not going to give your kid a cookie. So say yes, you can have a cookie after dinner.

Or if you're running through the living room and we need them to not be running through the

living room. Instead of saying no running, we can say you can run when we get to the playground.

So there's a lot of ways where we can kind of, you know, just turn these

no's into a yes when or a yes, you know, or, you know, something needs to be achieved. And then

obviously the answer can be yes. So another example is like if you're trying to get,

if your child wants to do something, but there's something that needs to be done,

done ahead of time, like they want to watch a show, you can say, yes, you can watch the show

after the toys are picked up. And that way you're going to have a win-win because you're also going

to get, you're also going to get the toys picked up or whatever it is that needs to, needs to

happen first. And there could, you know, not to say there won't be any resistance, but you're

certainly going to minimize the resistance when, when things are stated in more of a positive like

that. You know, we need to realize that we don't need to be the power that, you know, kids do need

boundaries, absolutely. But we, we want to empower our kids. So we need to help them to know what to

do so that they can get what they want in an appropriate way, as well as when they can't,

how to deal with that disappointment. Yeah. And so, you know, part of that is turning us into

no's and then another aspect may be finding places where you don't actually have to say no.

Is this something that you are saying no to because it's safety concern or, you know,

something that really, really matters? Or are you saying no, because it's obnoxious, you know,

we want to focus on the ones where it's actually dangerous rather than, you know, picking a battle

over something that, you know, just kind of hurts you. That being said, you know, from the outside

looking in, there may be rules that you have in your family that are valid and they might look

ridiculous from the outside looking in. That's still valid. I know for our family, one of the,

you know, random rules we have is no whistling in the car. To the point that I was driving

somewhere the other day with my son and one of his friends and his little buddy starts whistling

and my kid was like, oh, but we can't whistle in the car. Mom's brain will explode. And, you know,

so the reasoning behind that is that I have some auditory sensitivities and it's really,

really hard for me to drive if I hear that sound in the backseat. And so, you know, we can kind of

maybe it becomes a safety consideration, but really it's just something that I have a really

hard time handling. And it's still obviously fine to have rules like that that are unique

to your family and to different circumstances. And I think it is dangerous if your brain explodes.

But it's also a great way to teach our kids that like we have these rules, not just for them,

but for our entire family to create, you know, something that feels good for everybody rather

than just, you know, you can whistle in the backseat because you want to with no consideration

for other people. Right. And that is part of what we're what we want to make sure we're teaching

is that, you know, things that apply to our family and make our family as an interconnected

whole and that we're all taking care of each other. Yeah. And so if you have rules in place

that help prevent a situation where you're going to build resentment or you're going to have to

deal with your brain exploding or something like that, then those are absolutely considerations

that you take into account. Like maybe it's something that sometimes, you know, you can

handle and other times you need to, you know, they do not right now. Yeah, absolutely. You know,

when kids do as much as we want to make sure that we give kids the opportunity to hear yes,

and that we're not always negating, thwarting their efforts and, you know, being in that default mode

of just, you know, kind of saying no. Our kids also do really have to be able to accept when we

do say no. Like I used to tell you, you know, if you can't accept it when I do, maybe you need more

practice. But there's also, besides saying no and being able for our kids to be able to accept that,

part of that is letting them know why, why there is a particular reason. Like, you know, H knows

there's the reason behind this supposedly or, you know, maybe on the surface looking silly rule that

we don't whistle in the car. He knows why that's important. So we want to make sure that besides

saying no, we're letting our kids understand what's behind that. And when we do that, we also

make it more likely that we'll gain cooperation because they have some understanding. And we're

also, you know, modeling decision-making and we're sharing what goes into making that decision. So

they're starting to learn things like cause and effect, perspective taking, you know, safety

considerations, you know, those kinds of pieces that, that all come into the decisions that we

make. Yeah. And I was, you know, we were talking about this a couple of weeks ago and it kind of,

you know, has just been in the back of my brain spinning around. And one of the things I realized

is not only, you know, are you getting these sort of cause and effects when you explain rules,

but it's also a way to reinforce like your family values. And so like, I know last weekend,

Henry had one of his friends over and he really wanted a milkshake, which is typically something

that's fine, you know, on a Friday evening, but we didn't have very much ice cream. And so I had

to say no. And then I explained to him like, Hey, we don't have enough, you know, ice cream to make

two milkshakes. So you're going to have to wait until your friend leaves because it's not okay

to have something like that in front of a friend without also, you know, having that for your

friends. And we had another, you know, similar situation where we were at the beach and one of

the aunties had watermelon. And so each loves watermelon, had a bite and then wanted more.

And I was like, bud, there's five pieces of watermelon for 10 people. Like you can't have

seconds when everybody hasn't already had firsts. And so it's just another way to, you know,

reinforce those kinds of values that you want centered in your family life.

When you provide more explanation. Right. And, you know, I know for a lot of families,

especially when we bring siblings into the, into the mix that can create, you know, there's a lot

of that, a lot more opportunities for considering everybody's, everybody's feelings and why they

can't do certain things, you know, and that's all part of a learning experience of gaining

that empathy and learning to consider other people's, you know, other people's feelings.

I remember when your younger, your younger siblings were, were little and often the boys

might want to do something that they didn't really want their little sister involved in.

And so they would very obviously exclude her. And so they had to learn, you know,

we had to have conversations around, yeah, you can, you know, play on your own without her,

but you can't, you can't just, you know, intentionally exclude her in a way that

brings it up to her because that hurts her feelings. And so it's all a part of a process of,

of helping them understand, you know, the whys and what's going on in terms of other people and

consideration of other people. And that's part of, you know, one of the reasons we think we have to,

we have to say no and our kids have to, you know, do certain things or, you know, just

take them, take a no without any, any question is because we think we have to teach manners,

but we can, we do better job teaching manners when we're explaining the why so they understand

what's behind that and the considerations for, you know, for how we have, how we're thinking

about other people. Yeah. When you just say, because I said so nobody learns anything. There's

no, there's no value add to that statement. And it, you know, for me, at least always felt a lot

of frustration. And like, I remember when I was, I had to have been probably like late elementary

school, early middle school. And I think that, you know, I had a group of friends going to the

beach and I really wanted to go and you had told me no. And so of course I was super annoyed,

probably a little bit mad, but you explained it to me that, you know, this wasn't, you know,

a family that we knew well, this was a trip to the beach where, you know, obviously this is,

you know, there's some safety concerns. If you have, you know, parents, you don't know how well

they're going to be watching kids in an environment like that. And so you just laid it out, you know,

for me that, you know, your instinct as a parent was saying that this just wasn't a safe thing for

me to do. And so you couldn't in good conscience, let me go. And so, yes, I was annoyed. I was mad,

but I also understood your reasoning behind it. So I didn't like it, but I also didn't

necessarily fight against it as hard as I would have otherwise, because I understood the why.

And then I remember, you know, getting older, you know, the teenage years where there's definitely

a lot more pushback to being told no. And I would have friends whose parents would,

you know, just drop hard no's, like, nope, you can't do it. And no explanation. And so

they did it anyways, because, you know, it just made them become more sneaky. And so they still

got what they wanted to do. And there was no little voice in the back of their head with

the explanation of why that wasn't a safe behavior or why something, you know, shouldn't be acceptable.

It was just no. And so, yeah, we did it anyways. Right. Well, and really think about, you know,

toddlers are the big, the ones that are always saying no. But really, the toddler and the

teen years are kind of parallel stages of development. During both of those times,

kids are really trying to develop their autonomy. And so they need the opportunities to have some

power and to be able to do the things that they're trying to do. So it's especially important

that we explain why and that we also provide ways for them to figure things out. And if there is a

way for them to get to what they're trying to do. You know, kids aren't necessarily being defiant.

You know, they're trying to figure out how to get what they want, how to meet a desire or want.

And we really need to think about if our child is becoming exceptionally defiant,

how much are we saying no? Are we saying no all the time? Are we continually thwarting their

efforts towards, you know, towards that autonomy and independence? And modeling saying no.

And what? And modeling saying no. If all you hear is no, then that's what you know how to say.

Yeah, that's especially for two-year-olds. Absolutely. Yeah. You know, our kids absolutely

need boundaries and they need limits. But we don't want to go to the extreme either, you know,

with being overly permissive. So we're not about, you know, saying, well, always,

you know, always have these, always say yes, or always have these big discussions about it.

Sometimes no just has to be, has to be no. Limits have to provide safety. You know,

they provide a sense of security and they, and they're, you know, it's up to us to guide

development. So we really do need to also set the tone that sometimes no just means no. And

we explain why, and we can also provide opportunities for them to work with us on

things, but they need, there are times when it just, that's just the way it is. You know, kids

need to learn to deal with this disappointment, but they, when, when they hear no and when there

isn't further discussion, but it's with our support, you know, that they learn to be resilient

in the face of disappointment. And, you know, we all have disappointments in life. So it's time,

you know, we need to practice at the, at the beginning. If we're always just saying,

you know, yes, whatever, do what you want. Our kids aren't learning, learning how to deal with

when things don't go the way they, they want them to. And those emotions though, that they feel,

those emotions are okay. You know, we often want to, want to make everything okay. Make them happy,

not let them, not let them be upset. But disappointment comes with big emotions. It

comes with feeling sad. Doesn't mean we're going to change our minds. You know, when we need to

stay, stick with that, then, you know, we don't change our minds, but we can sit with them in

that emotion. We can help co-regulate for little ones that need that support. And when they do

have those really big emotions and they do get really upset when they can't get what they want,

it doesn't mean they're spoiled. It means they're working through, through that. It's a process. And

again, it depends on development. You know, the very, the very younger, the younger child,

the more difficult those big emotions and that disappointment will be.

Well, to a point, because we also know like, how do adults sometimes deal with disappointment?

Sometimes adults have big emotions when they're disappointed as well.

I think that we have this idea that, you know, children should be able to regulate all the time

and have expectations on them that are ridiculous if you put the same on an adult. Right. And so,

you know, I, you know, things happen. I get disappointed and sometimes they cry about it.

So yeah, it's just part of, you know, it's part of being human. It is. And so in addition,

I think to them learning how to deal with being told no, I think also we need to make sure that

we're empowering our kids to be able to say no. You know, sometimes, sometimes there's times where

it's really, really important. And, you know, for our little tiny guys, especially those two and

three year olds, establishing that sense of autonomy is literally like their job at that

age. It's a huge part of their development. And so it's not necessarily, I mean, it can read as

defiance or, you know, whatever spoiled, whatever we want to call it, but really it's development.

And so, you know, again, we're not necessarily going to change our mind. We're not going to let

them, you know, then get what they want out of it, but we can, you know, just respond with a lot

of empathy and recognize like, this is just part of being a little guy. And it's a lot to learn

when you're just that small. It is. Yeah. I do think it's kind of a two year old's job to say

no. Absolutely. But it, you know, back again to, you know, the modeling, you know, are we saying

no all the time? In which case, especially for the little, little, little guys like this, you're

going to get a lot more nos yourselves. This is a, you know, for two year olds, especially putting

in the yes, win or yes, and really does make a huge, huge difference because it really is just

about them trying to be, you know, trying to become independent and they're developing autonomy.

We also need to let them, you know, have their own, let our kids have their own ideas and

preferences. You know, we all, a lot of parents feel like, you know, we're telling our kids how

they should think and feel because we know, we know best, but they're their own little people

and they have their own ideas and they have their own preferences. And that's great,

even if they're not ours, even if they're different. So, you know, let, let our kids

have those and listen and hear what those, what their ideas are. Kids have fascinating

information and ideas and insights. They really are. They really are. But that also leads to also,

you know, developing problem solving and critical thinking skills, you know,

the more that we draw that out from them and listen to their, their thought processes really

helps develop that, you know, develop those problem solving skills in them. You were a master

at negotiation and I would tell you, you know, no, give you the reason why, and then you would come

back with your list of, well, you know, this, this problem, okay, I will resolve it this way,

this, okay, I can resolve it this way. And, um, because if it had anything, if I could spin it so

that it was like educational, I could almost always change your mind. Almost always. But

there were still lots of times when it still meant, you know, no, but you were definitely

gaining the ability to learn to compromise and to collaborate. And you were certainly

honing those critical thinking skills if you thought of responses to all of my reasons,

you know, why something wouldn't, wouldn't work. Yeah. I mean, and sometimes that meant that I would

get a, you know, the answer is still no for today, but maybe next time, you know, we can think about

this differently or, you know, every once in a while I could like legitimately change your mind

in that moment. But most of the time, you know, you still have your boundary and it became a, well,

we'll add that to, you know, future considerations kind of thing. You know, that there's been times

where, you know, each has wanted something and, you know, we've talked about it and it's been

like, all right, you know what? You make a pretty valid point. So for this time, you know, let's

do it differently and we'll see if it works. And if it doesn't, then we'll go back to the

previous boundary. And if it does, then great. And like, I think it's okay for our kids to see,

you know, that we can think about things and potentially change our minds as long as, you

know, for the most part boundaries hold. Absolutely. There are definitely times where,

you know, you need to be like, we're not going to debate this anymore. You've heard my answer.

That's it. That's, you know, that's the end of it. But again, you know, we can teach them

appropriate ways to talk about things and make sure that they're, you know, getting what they

want out of a situation. Right. Right. Well, and sometimes, you know, it can boil down to

they're not developmentally ready yet. So is there a way we can break down skills or processes

so that they can learn and, you know, to move in that direction? Or, you know, it's just not the

right time or the place. I mean, there's a lot of times ways that we can over time help them to

figure out, you know, so that they're learning appropriate ways to get what they want. Because

we want to create a growth mindset in our kids. You know, that ability to think, you know, if I

work hard at something, I will get it. I can get that. That they'll embrace challenges and keep

persisting. You know, that persistence can be really, really annoying when you've said no and

your child is still trying to negotiate. But it's also a really valid and important skill to, for

life to get what you, you know, to get what you want in life, but to be able to do that appropriately.

So we want to support our kids in how to learn appropriate ways to get what they want and to

develop the skills that they need so that they can, you know, enable them, empower them to be

able to do the things that they're wanting to do. Yeah. And when we support them, you know,

in all of this, and then also supporting them being able to say no back to us, you know, there's

a respectful way to do that. Kids need to learn how to, you know, we're not trying to get them to

just drop like, nope, I'm good. I'm going to go over here. Like there needs to be a respectful

way to phrase it and to, you know, push back in a way that's appropriate for your family's values.

But, you know, you start with saying that to your parents and then that builds to being able to say

it to your peers and, you know, potentially to unsafe adults. And so, you know, we don't want

children that 100% acquiesce all the time. That's potentially dangerous for them. And so, you know,

there's a whole lot of considerations that we build into them learning how to say no to other people,

but it is really, really important. Absolutely. I mean, you know, especially, you know, thinking

about those peers, you know, when our friends are making decisions that aren't the best,

we want our kids to be able to think for themselves and make a different decision. And if

they haven't had practice going against what's being, you know, what they're being told to do

in any given moment with support and in an appropriate way, that's going to make it all

harder than to say no to peers. And especially think about teenagers when those risky behaviors

start. And, you know, we really want them to have the power to say no. I also think about-

I know this is something we definitely have seen with H because, you know, I will joke that he's

never the one to start the fire, but he will 100% dance around it. Meaning that he's usually not the

one to start, you know, veering off course in class or something like that. But once a peer does,

he is happy to go along with whatever mischief has been created. And so again, over the last

couple of years, this has been a, you know, pretty consistent point of conversation of, you know,

if your friends are doing something that isn't okay, you need to not go along with that. And,

you know, sometimes that means straight up saying like, hey guys, I'm not going to be a part of this.

And sometimes it just means separating yourself from the situation. But I know he came home

from school last week and was very pleased with himself that he had walked away from something.

And so, you know, watching him struggle through that in elementary school, again,

sets him up much better when it's big things as a teenager. And it does take literal years of

practice for these kinds of skills to develop and grow. Right. So we do want to start, you know,

start young. Plus I think about, you know, as adults, how many of us often will say yes to

something that we don't really want to do. That we're, you know, we're total people pleasers.

You know, it's like somebody asked something of us, our plate is already full, but we feel like,

you know, we have to say yes. We don't want our kids to grow up having that feeling where

they can't set boundaries for their own sanity, you know, their own selves. So,

it's really important that we give them that power that they can have their own boundaries.

They can say no. But again, you know, in an appropriate, polite way. So, you know,

all in all, we want to support our kids in learning to think things through,

having the tools to make decisions for themselves, and learning overall that they can get what they

want out of life, but also at the same time, developing that resiliency to deal with

disappointment when things don't go their way. So, as we come to an end, we have three tips for you.

So, the first one is consider asking when you hear no about to come out of your mouth,

why are you saying no? Is it a safety issue? Would somebody get hurt? Property is going to get

damaged? Is it a conflict with a family value? But if there isn't really an issue, how could you

turn the no into a yes? And then the second one is practice changing no into yes. Yes,

you can have a cookie after dinner, or yes, you can go outside to play after the living room is

cleaned up. You know, if it's simply just not the time or the place, or developmentally they just

aren't able yet, think about how you can support your child in growing in that way, so that you can

collaborate with them that ultimately they can begin to reach their goals. And then third,

support the no with a why, and then when there are feelings of disappointment, let those feelings

be okay, and just be there with your child in those feelings. Yeah, and so for our try this,

I would really just invite you to pay attention when you try these skills. You'll notice a

difference in energy if you tell your child yes when versus a hard no. You know, do you feel

different? Does your kiddo feel different? Do you notice a little bit more ease in that relationship?

As you, you know, try and change your language. And then also, you can try going to our gift vault

so that you can check out our article, The Power of Yes. Until next time.