Your teen isn't the only one going through a coming out process. You are too, and most parents skip past their own.

From shock to true acceptance, there are six distinct stages parents move through after a child comes out. Naming them makes the hardest parts- the guilt, the denial, the shame- survivable instead of silent.

In this episode, you'll learn how to:

• Recognize which of the six stages you're in right now, from shock through true acceptance
• Work through guilt and shame without carrying them for years
• Move toward genuine acceptance instead of just tolerance

Press play to find out where you are in your own coming out process — and how to keep moving forward.

Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!

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At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and grow their capacity for courageous, compassionate connection.

For parents, allies, and those pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heart-warming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.

Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in, I see you. And I’m so glad you’re part of this journey.

More Human. More Kind. formerly Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen is a safe and supportive podcast in a heartfelt and empowering space where a mom and advocate offers the wisdom of lived experience and practical guidance and education to parents and allies, teaching empathy, kindness, love, and strong boundaries while supporting LGBTQ teens and the diverse LGBTQ community, including gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, transgender, and queer individuals, through conversations about mental health, grief, gender identity, sexual orientation, human rights, social justice, parenting, parent support, and meaningful LGBTQ allyship and allyship in action.

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In today's episode, you'll discover that there is, in fact, a process you go through when your child comes out.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast for parents of LGBTQ kids and anyone trying to stay human in a world that keeps hardening.

I'm Heather Hester, and here we talk about fear, belonging, boundaries, courage, love, and what it means to protect what matters without losing yourself in the process.

Your child doesn't just need a parent who's informed.

They need a parent who is grounded and strong.

Let's take a breath and let's begin.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind.

I'm Heather Hester.

Last week's episode was about what your teen carries and goes through during their coming out process.

Today's episode is about what you carry and why parents often skip past their own process entirely.

There are, of course, many reasons why, but one that often comes up is because it feels selfish to center your own reaction to your child's identity.

I want you to hear me when I say this.

It isn't selfish.

It's necessary.

You cannot support your teen through their process while holding onto your own stuff.

By the end of this episode, you will be able to name which of the six stages you are in right now, whether it's shock, denial, guilt, expression, decision, or acceptance.

Instead, a feeling like your reaction is uniquely wrong or shameful.

You will be able to use concrete tools for moving through guilt and shame instead of silently carrying them for years.

And you will understand that working through your own process isn't selfish or a delay tactic.

It's the thing that makes you capable of showing up fully for your child.

Before we get into it today, I just want to say thank you for being here.

If you haven't followed the podcast yet, would you?

It is the easiest way to help this reach someone who needs it.

Okay, so let's get into the parents process.

Last week, I talked about the relief I felt when I was introduced to Cass's stages of coming out.

When I learned that parents have stages too, I felt a similar wave of relief, if for no other reason than that it helped me name and identify what I was going through and made me feel so much less alone.

And that is what I want to offer you today.

Think of this like the key or a legend on a map.

Your road may differ from mine likely does, but many of the markers along the way are similar.

And more importantly, it will remind you that you are not alone on this.

I always feel like it's easier to move forward when we are aware of what's going on.

So as we focus on our teen who is coming out, or our other children, our spouse, our other family members, we forget to take the time to process everything that is coming at us.

Be patient and gentle with yourself as you go through these steps because you may want to go back and forth multiple times.

Ask your teen to be patient with you too, because sometimes they forget that we're just few years older and that it takes us a little more time.

So let's get into these six stages.

The first stage is shock.

This of course only applies if you didn't already suspect that your child was gay or trans or non binary or in some way a member of the LGBTQ community.

This stage typically lasts a few days.

You may ask things or say things that you won't feel very proud of later.

We certainly did things like Are you sure?

Yep, we asked that and we asked other questions and had general deer in headlights behavior.

It's something we look back on now and still shake our heads in disbelief and have of course published apologized a million times to Connor for It is hard to be mindful of our words when we are surprised or caught off guard.

Give yourself some grace and then go back and repair the situation.

It's worth noting that while you may be surprised, coming out to you is something that your child has likely thought about for weeks, months, maybe even years.

They are sure on to Stage two.

Denial There are four distinctly different flavors of denial that parents experience here.

Not everyone experiences this stage at all, but be aware of the following reactions because there might be other people in your life who are experiencing these steps and this will make it easier for you to communicate with them.

Hostility is the first example of denial.

Feeling angry, often uncharacteristic anger, or telling your child no child of mine will be queer or using other hurtful language.

Hostility is something that is very obvious.

Monitor this if it comes up for you, and be aware of others around you who use this type of language.

Another example of denial is avoidance, the refusal to acknowledge that your child has come out to you or someone around you.

It can be changing the subject, doing whatever you can to avoid the topic.

Again, watch for this in others who are close to your child as well.

Indifference is the third example.

Indifference is a little different than avoidance because you're actually addressing it, but with a messaging of I hear you, but I don't really care.

Indifference can be a lot more hurtful than avoidance because of the subtle messaging.

And the fourth type of denial is rejection, or thinking it's just a phase probably the most obvious of the types of denial, rejecting what your child has shared or telling them who they've just told you they are is just a phase, can be quite damaging to your relationship.

If you've felt any of these, whether it's hostility, avoidance, indifference, or rejection, I want you to just pause.

It is important that this stage is processed, acknowledged and processed before you can move forward.

Sometimes what you need is just a little time, some journaling or some space to help you identify where the feeling or the feelings are coming from.

Sometimes you may need a little external guidance, whether from a professional, a clergy member, or a trusted partner or friend.

Do what you need to do here, but do it.

I want to be clear that feeling any of these types of denial does not make you a bad parent.

It makes you human.

And now that you are aware, it allows you to name it and move through it instead of getting stuck in it.

If you need more help, reach out to me, because this is part of what I do.

Moving on to stage three, guilt.

Oh my God.

Gosh, can this one be a doozy?

This is the spiraling of what did I do wrong or did I cause this?

And it is felt by most parents at some point.

Single parents in this instance may add, I failed by not being both the mother and the father.

In seeking an answer to any of the questions like this, she will almost always land on yourself as the one to blame.

It's not productive and it's certainly not accurate, mainly because this is who your child is, not a mistake or something gone wrong or something broken.

They are beautifully and perfectly made.

We also get mucked up in the blame and shame game because we still live in a heteronormative society.

These are the types of worries that strike first.

Somewhere along the way, we accepted the programming that straight and cisgender are right.

Or the default shame may be wrapped up with the guilt not allowing you to share these feelings with anyone, which makes this stage particularly difficult.

So first, I want you to understand that this is a normal part of the process.

Be gentle with yourself here.

Take some time to journal what you're feeling, journal what you're thinking, Just get it all out, write it all out on paper.

And then second, stop looking for something you've done wrong.

Stop blaming yourself.

As I said before, there are many, many factors at play, but simply put, this is how your child was created.

If you find yourself stuck in the shame spiral, seek guidance.

So what do you do as you cycle through this shock and denial and guilt and shame?

Hopefully find a constructive way to express it.

Stage 4 if you are walking around with all of that bottled up inside, please hear me when I say that it is not healthy.

Find a person you feel comfortable with and begin to talk it through, or find a quiet place to express it through writing, exercise, art, or some other positive form of expression.

Expressing is the beginning of the upswing, the full gamut of emotions finally surfacing after being held onto so tightly.

And in addition to the shock and the denial and the guilt and the shame, there's also probably some anger and grief mixed in too.

There can also be delight and pride and joy.

There isn't a wrong answer here.

Just allow the feelings to come, whatever they may be, and through allowing expression, communication will open.

It will likely be messy and uncomfortable.

And that's kind of the point.

This is where the good stuff happens.

Embrace it.

Nine years out now, I still vividly remember and feel every emotion, every version of what I just shared with you.

I was overwhelmed.

I felt so fragile and I felt so alone.

I didn't know who I could really talk to.

I was so scared about Connor's future and even Grace's when she first came out, but far less at that point.

I worried about what people would think, what they would say.

Do I hate saying that out loud?

Yeah, I do.

But I worried, Steve worried, and we were scared.

We didn't want people to judge Connor or Grace.

And I'm talking all people, not just kind of the ambiguous people, but people like our family and our closest friends.

So just know that there isn't a feeling that is bad to have as long as you address it and you work through it.

I also want you to know that I was so nervous about those initial difficult conversations with family and friends.

That's natural and normal.

It happens and you will get better each time you do it.

Reading and researching and learning and unlearning will help you with that.

Processing through your emotions is another opportunity to lean on a therapist or a clergy member or a trusted friend or your partner.

If you're worried about what might come out of your mouth to your kid directly, work through your feelings with them first, keeping in mind that your child is going through their own process too.

And then also remember that you're human and allowing yourself to be human and recognizing all of the feelings, the good ones, the bad ones, the ugly ones, and getting them out and exploring them and working through them is good.

In case you're curious, it took us weeks, sometimes months, before we shared anything outside of the three of us, because we Were very aware of allowing it to be Connor's process, his timing.

This was his story to share with others.

So while I know this is a bit of an aside, I just thought it would be important to share that with you.

On to stage five, decision.

So after you fully deal with the emotional outbursts, the trauma, in some cases, the freaking out or otherwise expressing anger, hurt, and anything else you have set free, you will then have the mental clarity to decide how you would like to proceed.

You have many choices, but they all boil down to three different areas.

The first choice is to be a supportive parent.

The air has been cleared.

You are on a level of mutual trust and honesty.

Your relationship has been repaired, or it's in the process of being repaired.

And it may even be better, probably is even better than what it was before.

You can now focus on your teen and your other children again.

Focus on loving them and being aware.

I remember having such clarity to be able to see what Connor had been going through in detail and was to the point where I could ask better questions.

I was able to listen to him better, to really hear him, to really see him and his struggle and to begin to see the small opportunities for growth within all of that.

An unintended bonus with all of that is that it helped us support our other three kids through this process, helped us help them understand what Connor was going through and just get all the other stuff out and dealt with.

And that allowed us all, all six of us, to be much more clear and calm moving forward.

Choice two.

This is as much as you can handle right now, just getting everything out.

But you're not really sure if you can go forward from here.

This is choice two.

You may still feel fragile.

You may be unable to process anything further at this point.

Maybe you've made it clear to your teen that you do not want to talk about it right now.

If this is where you and or your partner are right now, it's okay.

Everyone has their own process.

And I advise you to take this opportunity to talk with a professional or a trusted friend to continue working through whatever may be blocking you from moving forward.

There are resources in the show notes to help you through this.

And then there's choice three.

Lots of indecision, lots of disagreements, lots of uncertainty.

So the first thing you need to do if you are here is ask why or what is underneath all of this?

Is it fear?

And if so, fear of what?

What is causing the fear?

I know this can be uncomfortable.

I know it can be hard.

But it is really important to do in order for you to move forward.

Is it a religious belief?

Is it a political stance?

Give yourself some time and space to really analyze this.

Try attending a parents meeting or having coffee with another parent who understands what you're going through.

Ask questions of someone who's been through it.

Listen to this podcast or another podcast on the topic.

Locking horns with your teen.

That's going to get you nowhere fast.

The goal here is to stop the fighting, figure out how to move forward, and then seek resources to help you work through this stage.

Be gentle with yourself and be gentle and patient with your kid, too.

Remember, there is not a time frame, there's not a competition to get through this as fast as you can.

I promise you that taking the time you need to get through this is so, so worth it.

It's worth it because what you will find at stage six is true acceptance.

This stage is essentially the reward for all of your hard work.

It is certainly one of the reasons why I started this podcast almost seven years ago.

It is the transformation from loving your teen without accepting their life to loving your teen and celebrating the beauty of their uniqueness and knowing to the depth of your soul they are exactly who they were created to be.

You may also experience the following during this stage.

Working through your own guilt.

Reflecting on and creating a new stance on gay jokes.

Beginning to understand and be aware of difficulties you unknowingly created for your teenage.

Advocating for your child and the greater LGBTQ community.

Embracing and educating others.

This is a stage of huge growth opportunities for you.

Just allow yourself to be open.

Getting to this stage takes conscious effort and work, but it is beyond worth it, I promise.

I look at Connor and Grace now and I just want to burst with love and pride as I see their courage and their perseverance and their unique personalities.

I marvel at the closeness of my four kids, the beauty of the relationships I get to have with each one of them, and the fierce love and loyalty we share as a family.

And yeah, there are still struggles, of course, that is part of life, but they keep getting up when they've been knocked down.

We all do.

We all continue to figure out who we are and where we fit in this world.

And we, Steve and I, as their parents, love them completely, fully, unconditionally, support them, encourage them.

And even though they are now living in different cities and different states and in different stages of life, we constantly remind them that they are not alone.

And so, if you've ever wondered, this is how this podcast and my writing came to be.

I just felt so compelled, like the universe was kind of nudging me.

Even through all of the discomfort, my fear of speaking, of being judged, the desire to do my part in transforming this very important conversation, was even stronger.

And seven years in, I feel that even more passionately now about the breadth of work that I do.

And so I offer a tip and a mental shift for you this week.

Much like I did in those very first few episodes, a gentle reminder to just breathe.

Take that big, deep bellied breath in and hold it for three seconds and then let it all out in a big whoosh.

Just allow yourself to be centered and calm.

And then take this mantra with you.

Embrace the beauty and the messiness.

So when you're in the middle of feeling all of these many, many feelings, remember to embrace this present moment, because it's all part of the process.

As difficult and heartbreaking and uncomfortable as it is, remember that it's also full of beauty and opportunities that you may never have realized were out there.

So take a moment and just repeat that to yourself.

Embrace the beauty in the messiness.

While I am long through this process, nine years out, I want you to know that it doesn't end at acceptance.

It just keeps evolving.

My kids have continued to grow and evolve.

The social, moral and political climate around us has continued to change.

And so I've continued to learn and grow.

And it's in this growth that you will discover the most extraordinary things about yourself and your child.

This is an opportunity to discover hidden strength, perhaps even a little courage that just needed some encouragement to come forward.

I'm so, so glad you were here today.

I know that was a lot.

Sit with it.

And if you have 30 seconds later, a review helps someone else get here too.

And if a growing ecosystem of support and information is calling you, check out heatherhester.net starthere to learn more.

Until next time, keep choosing to be a little more human and a little more kind.

Sam.