Puberty is a long season of change and for neurodivergent children, that can feel especially overwhelming. In this episode, Victoria and Natalie are joined by Cath Hakanson, sex educator and founder of Sex Ed Rescue, who shares practical, reassuring guidance on talking to autistic and ADHD kids about puberty, bodies, and growing up.
Cath is late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD herself, and brings both professional expertise and lived experience to the conversation.
About Cath Hakanson
Cath Hakanson is a clinical sexuality educator, registered nurse, and founder of Sex Ed Rescue, a global platform that has supported over a million families with honest, shame-free sex education. With more than 25 years of clinical experience spanning sexual health nursing, sex therapy, and health promotion, Cath has made it her mission to help parents have the conversations they were never taught to have. Late-diagnosed AuDHD herself and a parent of neurodivergent kids, she brings both expertise and lived experience to her work. Her approach is simple, factual, and built for real family life, neurospicy or otherwise.
Key Takeaways
Start early and keep it small. Introducing puberty from age four or five through books, casual comments, and everyday moments which means it's never one huge overwhelming conversation.
Puberty isn't necessarily different for neurodivergent kids, but the way they experience and process it often is. Sensory sensitivities around hygiene routines, body hair, and discharge can all create friction.
Before you problem-solve, ask. The single most useful thing you can do is ask your child what's getting in the way, the answer might surprise you.
Small, natural, low-pressure conversations, once a month, in the car, over a TV show, are far more effective and keep the door open for questions as they grow.
Hormones can hit differently with a neurodivergent nervous system. Helping your child understand why their emotions might feel more intense during puberty is part of the conversation too.
It's never too late to start. Whether your child is four or eighteen, beginning the conversation now is always better than not beginning it at all.
Free Guide: Sex Education for Neurodivergent Kids - For parents of autistic and ADHD kids who want a clearer way to approach sex ed without making it feel bigger or harder than it needs to be. https://sexedrescue.com/neuroaffirmingsexed
Victoria and Natalie: can we begin with why sex education is often harder for autistic kids and teens, and what do parents need to understand first?
Cath Hakanson: Oh, that is a really good question. I got a phone call one day from a journalist who'd been paid a lot of money to write a book about autistic teenagers, 'cause all these parents were worried and about parenting their autistic teenager. And so they wanted to ask me questions about sex ed.
king to their kids about sex [:
Cath Hakanson: And then throw sex ed into the basket. So you're already, running to OT, speech therapists, and all this stuff, and then you get, you have to talk about love, sex, and relationships, and it's almost like the straw that broke the camel's back. It's like we've already got so much on our plate as parents anyway when we've got [00:02:00] kids with additional needs to then throw sex ed on top.
Cath Hakanson: Sex anyway is difficult to talk about because it's something that we all grew up with shame or negativity around it. It's not something we see other parents doing. We go to catch up with a friend and we don't see them teaching sex ed in the corner. We see them, doing other stuff with their kid, but we never see other parents do sex ed, and we don't have good memories ourself to rely on So I think sex ed is probably, it's difficult for all parents, but I think it's more challenging when you've got kids with additional needs.
parent, you know your child [:
Cath Hakanson: You know what their traits are, their neurodivergent traits are. So I find a lot of parents are worried about talking about something and maybe a fixation starting on it, or it being repeated, or starting a curiosity or something. That's my thoughts on why it's so much harder.
Victoria and Natalie: Yeah, I think many of our children struggle with unpredictability and change anyway, and puberty is essentially like a long season of change, isn't it? So
Victoria and Natalie: How can parents talk about it without it feeling overwhelming?
night for nearly six or nine [:
Cath Hakanson: And she was so excited about puberty happening because Babette wrote puberty into this gorgeous adventure of life to look forward to. So there's some wonderful books that you can read to kids from the age of four or five that just lets them know that they're not gonna be a kid forever. They're gonna get taller, and one day, like a butterfly or maggots lately in our house with the end of summer.
Cath Hakanson: But that whole life cycle where they change from one thing to another, just letting them know. And we can start letting them know early, like if you're a mum and you've got a uterus and you still have periods, if you're sitting on the toilet, if kids see blood, they usually think blood and pain.
riod products as you go down [:
Cath Hakanson: And reassuring them as well, letting them know that it happens to all kids. Some kids it doesn't happen for and they need to have medication, but we don't usually need to talk about that unless they know someone who's like that. But it, it happens to all kids. It happens slowly, so it happens over years.
Cath Hakanson: It doesn't, you don't just wake up one morning and you're a grown-up. So just normalizing it and just letting them know that these changes are going to happen.
Victoria and Natalie: I can imagine. That's really good advice, but I can just imagine one of my children,
Victoria and Natalie: if I'm opening up those conversations, them starting those conversations with other people when we're out and about in really inappropriate places. Can't you?
ath Hakanson: Yeah. I always [:
Cath Hakanson: Two parts. You're given the information, but then you wrap your values and boundaries around it. So that could be like puberty happens to everyone, but it's a conversation that we don't always wanna talk about at the shops. It can be a private conversation.
Cath Hakanson: Sometimes you can liken it to the Santa Claus story, when kids find out about Santa Claus, and as a parent you have that fear that they're gonna go to school and tell everyone the truth, and then your child will be that child that all the other parents hate. It's like that. It's puberty or periods or sex, that's a conversation that parents like to have with their own kids.
Cath Hakanson: They don't want ... It's not your job to teach them. So you can put those boundaries in place, but at the end of the day, kids are gonna hear about it anyway, so it's better they get it from you than the schoolyard,
Victoria and Natalie: Yeah, that's
Cath Hakanson: or porn.
Victoria and Natalie: Is [:
Cath Hakanson: Really good question, 'cause I've just been diving into the research on this. It's the experience and processing the changes.
Cath Hakanson: When I got my diagnosis, I was really worried about being ableist and thinking so I did some fantastic training from AUSOM in Ireland. Have you come across them? Oh, they're brilliant. They're neuro affirming. They're just wonderful. So I did some of their training, which was fantastic, and part of it was about learning about all the different parts of what it means to be neurodivergent and how it has an impact.
like, oh, so that's why kids [:
Cath Hakanson: And sometimes I'll forget a step, and it's like... So if that's how your brain's wired, and then puberty comes along and you can just get out of bed Have breakfast if you remember. But now there's all these extra things to remember as well, and that's why kids can really struggle with adopting the hygiene, managing the hygiene of it, and that's the complaint I hear the most from parents is when kids are resistant.
umping to conclusions. So my [:
Cath Hakanson: And we talked about why, and then I said, "Why don't you like washing it?" It was a sensory thing. He doesn't like it getting in his face. And I thought, " Bloody hell, if I'd asked him that six months ago, there's a solution for that, hair product." But instead, six months I'd been nagging him about washing his hair and it was like I should listen to my own advice sometimes.
matic with puberty, like the [:
Cath Hakanson: It's a coarser hair. Sometimes it can be wrinkly and it, texture-wise, it can just feel yucky and icky. So some kids struggle with that. And then vaginal discharge, even though the vagina discharges, I think they say it discha- vagina lubricates even in fetuses in utero. So it's always lubricating, but the lubrication, self-cleaning, and the ovulating doesn't really kick in until puberty.
Cath Hakanson: So kids are used to having a dry crotch in their pants, and then it starts to get wet. So they find white or yellow powdery in the crotch of their pants or they go to wipe and it feels different and they're more aware of the discharge. Sometimes they can find that quite upsetting as well because it's like never used to be a problem before, but now it's there.
kanson: And if they're super [:
Cath Hakanson: So I think it's about- Being aware of their traits or their quirks and then going okay, if they're worried about sensor, w- about smell, maybe the deodorant, I should get them to help me choose a deodorant or go for a low scent deodorant or something." And then the vaginal discharge, there's not a lot you can really do about that, but it's about normalizing it, and if they're worried about smell, maybe more undies with m- you know, pure cotton or period pants as well are another wonderful option as well.
"Okay, this is what's gonna [:
Cath Hakanson: and, Just ask the kid.
Victoria and Natalie: I had a similar experience with toothpaste, and it was the same. My son was refusing to brush his teeth, and I was on that, "You must brush your teeth. You need to brush your teeth." And then it ... When I actually said, "Why don't you want to brush your teeth?" I don't like the toothpaste, and it foams, and I don't like the taste of it." Oh, okay. Easy fix. Like you said, get a tasteless, non-foaming toothpaste, , so it makes sense to ask those questions in a puberty-related sense as well.
Victoria and Natalie: Thank you.
Cath Hakanson: yeah.
Cath Hakanson: And the earlier you let them know, like you can read the fun books from about, that age of four or five. Books are good 'cause you don't have to know what to say. You just read the book
Cath Hakanson: . But from that age of eight, you wanna start talking a little bit more noticeably about puberty and periods.
and read it together, like a [:
Victoria and Natalie: do you have books that you would recommend for that sort of age?
Cath Hakanson: You've gotta be super, super careful.
Cath Hakanson: Publishers have worked out if you slap autism on the cover, it'll sell well. And I have noticed myself hopping on Amazon, there are so many self-published AI books.
Cath Hakanson: I do have a list on my website with books
Cath Hakanson: When I started looking at what's the difference between a sex ed book for a kid who's autistic and a kid who's not, I thought there would be like this huge, big difference, but there wasn't really.
Cath Hakanson: It was just simpler. They didn't make assumptions. They explained everything.
Victoria and Natalie: And that makes sense. What do small repeatable sex ed conversations actually look like in real family life?
[:
Cath Hakanson: We all grew up with sex ed that was a conversation at puberty, like the talk that you hear joked about on social media and in movies and on TV shows where it's that big, awkward sit-down conversation. And the reason that convo happened was puberty was starting, periods, ovulation, eggs, sperm.
Cath Hakanson: It's an age where kids could have sex and get pregnant. So let's have this big talk and tell them all about it, and then that's it. We know that approach doesn't work because we're all the failures. And when you look at why kids have unsafe sex and why we have unplanned pregnancies, it's usually based on ignorance.
Hakanson: So if we know that [:
Cath Hakanson: To, be driving in the car and go, "Oh, so we've now got consent laws for sex. I didn't know that." Now, you don't have to say anything else, and that's it. That's actually sex ed. That's a statement that you've said. Or you might go, " Have your friends been talking about those consent laws with sex?"
Cath Hakanson: Or, you might walk down the period aisle and you go, "Oh, I need some pads. Now you know what pads are, don't you?" And you might ask them a question or something like that. So what it is it's lots of little conversations where you might say something not expecting a response, but if you get one, it's go off and buy a lottery ticket.
ds get older. As they get to [:
Cath Hakanson: And you might see the way, there might be a scene where someone's dating someone, but she's also seeing someone else on the weekends. So you might go, "Oh, that's not a really respectful way to, to treat someone. What do you think?" So little things like that are sex ed. So we see opportunities to talk about things.
hell of a lot easier because [:
Cath Hakanson: It makes it easier because it sounds like an awful lot of work, but it actually isn't. It's more just about keeping your ears open for opportunities. 'Cause what I find is we might have an idea that we need to talk more about consent or toxic masculinity because of the Louis Theroux show on Netflix about toxic masculinity.
Cath Hakanson: So we might go, "Oh, I really do need to talk about it." So you might say, "Oh, have you heard the kids at school talking about- That new show on Netflix. Or you might hear something on the radio and go, "Oh, that's a good excuse for me to talk about this," so then you might say something. It's about looking out for opportunities and just having small conversations.
you grab it. And then you do [:
Cath Hakanson: But sometimes it helps to have a planned convo. Sex is usually another planned conversation as well. And then periods and puberty in more detail if you wanna talk about it more as a bigger chat.
Victoria and Natalie: That's good advice. Thank you. I guess closely related
Victoria and Natalie: is what are some common mistakes that you see parents make when they panic or leave these topics too long, and what would you suggest they do?
porn. He'll start looking at [:
Cath Hakanson: Maybe I'll just stop writing this course. This is just crazy." And I caught myself and I was like, "Hang on. I actually know that this conversation's important. I put the boundaries and the rules and everything in place around it. So why am I doubting it?" So I guess what I'm trying to say is that as parents, we don't wanna harm our kids and we don't wanna screw up.
Cath Hakanson: I think as parents we always try to do a better job than how we were parented , and most parents wanna keep doing a better job. And as parents, with our nurture instinct, we don't wanna harm our kids. So if you're sitting there going, "Okay, I could talk about porn and this'll happen, or I can not talk about porn.
hey might go and look at it. [:
Cath Hakanson: You explain what to do when they see it, and then you put the boundaries around. It's a private conversation. You shouldn't be talking about it in the schoolyard. If adults hear you talking about porn, you might get in trouble. So a common mistake that I see is that you have an idea to have a conversation, and then you get this little gremlin sitting on the shoulder going, "Yeah, but what if you do this?
Cath Hakanson: This could happen, and that could happen." So all of that stuff may happen, but it shouldn't stop you from talking because as you talk, you're giving them that information, helping them to make sense of it, but then putting those guardrails and those boundaries around it as well so that yeah, hopefully they won't go off.
a doubt, like if I'm getting [:
Cath Hakanson: Kids need this information. They're growing up in a world where they're being exposed to sexualized content. The biggest mistake I see with parents is that hesitation, stopping because they think the conversation's going to harm their child or scare their child as well.
Victoria and Natalie: Yeah. I can understand that. Yeah. So how can parents make it easier for their autistic child to ask questions and keep coming back as they grow?
Cath Hakanson: Just start having conversations. It can be little things. Like- Trying to have a routine where, when kids come home from school or when you come home from work, sitting down with them at the table with a cuppa or a glass of wine if you need it, and talking about how their day went. What happened?
Cath Hakanson: What was the [:
Cath Hakanson: And so and then it can be things like reading books. So what I did with my kids is because they eventually hit an age where they refuse to read the books that you choose, so I would let them choose one night, and then I might choose the next night. And then that way I could get like a sex ed or a puberty or a consent or body safety book in, two or three times a week.
r local children's librarian [:
Cath Hakanson: But librarians are pretty good with knowing what's popular and what parents want, so most libraries do have body safety, consent, feelings, family books and stuff. So the books as they ... And then making sure that you're talking about stuff early on so that if they're eight, you do need to start talking about puberty now just because that gives them a couple of years to get more used to the idea.
nes together so we could be- [:
Cath Hakanson: So you might watch something and if your kid will let you, you can say something then. My kids would always tell me to shut up and not talk while they're watching a show. So afterwards I'd have to say, "Hey, look, Elle and Mike, I thought their relationship was a bit unhealthy." Because in one of the ones, they were like 12, 13, they were constantly kissing and never going out with, not socializing with anyone other than themselves.
Cath Hakanson: So that was an opportunity to talk about healthy relationship and boundaries and things. So TV shows, watching it with them and creating that routine, 'cause kids wanna s- usually wanna spend time with us as parents, their parents or carers. So creating that routine or that ritual where you might watch a film together on a Saturday night or every second Saturday.
e or popcorn, I'm not averse [:
Cath Hakanson: So that can be another way. And then just looking for those opportunities to talk about stuff.
Victoria and Natalie: There's some really great tips there that you've shared. Thank you. If you're talking about the changes, say, that a boy is gonna go through, is there a way you would recommend of doing that to reduce embarrassment
Cath Hakanson: At the end of the day,
does the c- Penis combos and [:
Cath Hakanson: There's been research that's showed that kids don't care, but they want also both parents. There's been a lot of period research that has said that when dads occasionally buy pads or stuff, that can be helpful for kids. It can help to break some of that shame down around it. So technically, look, I don't know about you, but most of us have had our adult body for a while, and we don't really remember what it was like.
"what do you think of that?" [:
Cath Hakanson: So it's your own discomfort.
Victoria and Natalie: It's really good advice. And what about the emotional intensity for a child? So how can that intersect with autistic or ADHD nervous systems?
Cath Hakanson: There's a lot of research starting to slowly come out now that's acknowledging that the neurodivergent experience of hormones is different.
Cath Hakanson: So as a parent, what does that mean? It just means that you might get more swinging with emotions and you might just need to normalize it with your child.
esponsible for changing your [:
Victoria and Natalie: If a parent is listening right now and feeling overwhelmed or worried about this stage of life, what would you say to them?
Cath Hakanson: It's not a talk about everything now. If you've got the sort of a relationship where you know what your kid's neurodivergent quirks and traits are, and you've got a relationship where you're talking about stuff, and you can always start, like if you haven't been talking about this stuff, it's never too late.
n the connection, creating a [:
Cath Hakanson: But easiest way, just go get some really good Puberty period books. And look, both my kids are neurodivergent, and I never read any of the autistic, ADHD, disability sex ed books with them. If they didn't understand something, they asked me, and we talked about it. So I wouldn't be too worried about getting a book that's labeled, because if it is labeled, it's probably just tokenism.
Victoria and Natalie: Yeah, that's good to know.
just talked about to the two [:
Victoria and Natalie: That sounds excellent. We'll make sure that we include a link in our show notes to that.
Cath Hakanson: Thanks.
Victoria and Natalie: And thank you so much for joining us today.
Victoria and Natalie: It's great to tackle a topic that can be a bit daunting sometimes.
Cath Hakanson: As parents, we're not alone. If you're struggling,
