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What is up.
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I am Erez Shek and you are checking in with The Shek Check.
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The podcast dropping gems of awareness that hopefully lets you take it inward
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to work that self awareness muscle of yours- because that's hot - promoting
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that self check fact check to better understand how you think feel and behave
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in relation to this crazy wacky world.
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And today let's talk and tackle something very light and breezy.
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Let's talk about grief.
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Let's get Shekked.
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Let's get Shekked.
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Let's get Shekked.
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Let's get Shekked.
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Grief.
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As a topic of conversation on social media and in the public sphere.
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Dare I say, it's trending.
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Obviously it's not really a hot topic people want to be faced
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with, but, uh, the reality is all of us will grieve in our lifetime.
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If we love, if we have loved, if we hold love, if we feel
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love- we will have felt grief.
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There is this quote by actor Andrew Garfield that grabbed me strongly.
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He was on a talk show, uh, somewhat recently.
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And he was asked a question about losing his mother and
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about his grief and grieving.
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And he said, this.
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"The grief that will remain with us until we pass, because we never get enough
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time with each other, no matter whether someone lives until 60 or 15 or 99.
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I hope this grief stays with me because it's all of the unexpressed
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love that I didn't get to tell her.
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And I told her every day" End quote.
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If we know love, we know grief, I think, well, for me, right?
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Because I'm not an expert on grief or love.
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No one really is.
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Andrew Garfield isn't either, but he is currently an expert in his experiences
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of love and grief in this instance.
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And I am an expert at my experiences of love and grief in relation and
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in context to when I have felt it.
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You might be too..
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It's because grief and grieving is individual to each of us, like anything.
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It moves and flows based on our experiences and based on our
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relationships and whether we know it or not, we experience it expertly.
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See what I did there?
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In my lifetime.
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I have lost and I have grieved.
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I have lost my grandparents.
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I have lost other family members.
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I have lost friends and schoolmates.
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I have lost a boyfriend.
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I have lost my father.
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Grief and grieving.
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It doesn't get normalized because of that though, you know, at least
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in my experiences because you can't really group grief in a general
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and broad place because the people you grieve are individuals, right?
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And every time I grieve, I'm grieving an individual in which I've had a
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unique experience with and a unique relationship with that is how we all live.
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And that is how we all live, how we live after others are no longer living.
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How can I make that make sense more because yes, it's, it's broad, it's
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general, but there's a uniqueness to it that can't be put into words.
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You know, recently I got together with a friend and our conversation
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led to grief and this friend of mine has also lost their father and both
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of us have grieved and still feel grief in completely different ways.
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Which in my eyes is the point and it it's wildly important to know and to note.
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I cannot dictate his experience and he cannot dictate mine but here's some
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takeaways from our experiences and the things that we did agree upon around our
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conversation about grief and grieving.
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Grief cannot be taught in a book.
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I don't care how much school you've been to, how much book
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knowledge you've acquired.
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Grief and grieving cannot be pathologized and cannot be properly taught
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until, and unless it has been lived.
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Grief cannot be understood unless it has been felt and when it is felt,
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at its peak, it cannot be understood.
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If at one of its peaks for me, whilst grieving, I could not have
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explained to you what it felt like because I could barely understand it.
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It's like such a heavy mix of other emotions because for
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me that's what grieving was.
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A tornado of emotions happening in slow motion and yet in hyper drive.
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So at its peak, I would not have been able to explain that to you.
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And even now in that explanation to you, I don't, I'm not even entirely sure
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if that made sense or if it was clear.
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For my friend though, they described it as a lack of emotion- muted energy.
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You know, blocked off almost.
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Now, along those lines with the years that have passed with those I've lost and
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those I felt grief for and grieve for.
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We grieve forever in just different ways and in different forms.
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And there are peaks and valleys.
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There are smooth roads and rocky ones.
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It's there though.
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And it's not really consistent, right?
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Like, it's not like, oh, more time has passed, so it's easier.
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I found that sometimes some days, some years when we are remembering
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the lives that we have lost.
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Some years it's harder.
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Some years it's easier.
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Some years, it just doesn't fully register and there's nothing
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really consistent about it.
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And I know that sounds scary, but it is what it is.
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Might not be like a hopeful message that we're kind of, you
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know, inclined to cling onto.
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But I actually think it's very hopeful because it keeps them alive in some way.
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Something else that we kind of agreed on is that all relationships differ.
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So the way we grieve and feel grief for one person or for the
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same person will be different.
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Right?
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I mean, and that can feel lonely.
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And at other times it's a celebration of a unique connection.
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Like the way I grieve for my father was completely different than the
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way others grieved my father, right?
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I think we think that people are supposed to grieve in a certain way, but I
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think that's ignorant to the fact that our relationships with people differ.
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The relationship my mother had with my father is most certainly different
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than the relationship I had with my father so her grief and her grieving of
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that relationship of her relationship with him is going to be different
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of how I feel those feelings, duh.
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The relationship other family members had with my father are different than
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the relationship I had with my father.
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Different dynamics.
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Different interactions.
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Different understandings of each other.
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Different relationships.
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Different feelings of grief.
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Different relations of grief.
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There's absolutely no way that we would feel grief in the same way.
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There's absolutely no way that we would grieve for the same person in
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the same way because that person is essentially different to each of us.
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And again, it's one of those things that might sound lonely and it can
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be, but there's something also really beautiful because it honors how unique
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a person is to you and it's something that nobody can ever take away from you.
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How unique an individual is and how unique your relationship with that person is.
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It's all yours.
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That's beautiful.
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Here is another one.
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Grief is versatile.
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It's not always tears.
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It's not always a void in your life, a missing space at a table and all
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the feelings that come with that.
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Sometimes grief and grieving for me was laughter and overpowering
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feelings of affection and daydreams and dreams of that person.
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Grief lives in the happy memories- not always a hole, not always the loss.
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Grief is versatile.
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And here's the one that I think is a harder pill to swallow.
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Nobody can teach you or show you how to grieve "properly".
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I put quotes around the properly.
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Despite what some self-help books will tell you or what some grief experts
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on social media will tell you- there are no steps to grief or grieving.
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It can be the scariest thing because it feels so large.
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So open.
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So messy.
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There's no map.
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It can seem overwhelming and terrifying, but it's also spacious and free.
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And when we are in pain, we need that space as much as we
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desire for the containment.
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Grief has been so many things to me, grieving has been so many different
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things to me and I don't think there is a way to properly explain
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it because it's unexplainable.
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But clearly I decided to try in this episode.
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I know that in my lifetime I will continue to grieve and that I will
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grieve many other people many times over.
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I'm sure I will feel grief.
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And while there is no one who will know what my grief.
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I know that there are people who will be on roads that are close by and that there
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will be a hand to hold on that journey, even if we're not on the same exact ones.
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I think when you focus on finding the hands of support, Supporting each other.
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You don't need to be having the same exact experience or feeling the same exact way
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or experiencing things the same way or having the same emotional experiences.
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It's enough to just be there in support of each other.
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That is enough.
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That hand is enough.
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Standing next to someone is enough.
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Something to sit with or sit on or sit around this week.
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However you sit with The Shek Check- or walk with or like whatever, you know.
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Just a reminder, BT dubs, if you are not already following or subscribe
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to The Shek Check wherever you're listening to us from hit that button.
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Seriously, make sure you are getting notified when any new episode drop.
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Also make sure to give us a follow on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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You know, just another way to keep up with The Shek Check..
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You can check out those links in the episode show description.
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And thank you so much for joining me this week.
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Please keep taking care of yourself on this bumpy road that we are all on because
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when you're taking care of yourself, you are also taking care of those around you.
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And we need that.
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We need all of that.
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Big fan of that for you and for all of us.