Alrighty, folks! Today, we’re diving into the delightful chaos of the holiday season, tackling the oh-so-fun topic of mental load in relationships. You know, that sneaky little thing where one partner ends up doing all the holiday planning while the other sits back and enjoys the festive vibes—like a Grinch in a cozy chair! We’ll chat about who’s really running Christmas and unravel the tangled web of expectations that often gets us all knotted up. Spoiler alert: it turns out there’s a lot more to it than just who gets to hang the ornaments! So grab your hot cocoa, kick back, and let’s see how we can share the holiday cheer without turning into holiday hermits. Let’s do this!

Takeaways:

• We dive into the mental load of holiday planning, and how it can feel like a game of hot potato but with emotional stakes!
• Holiday planning is often skewed towards women, and we explore why that is, with a sprinkle of humor and personal stories!
• Communication is key, folks! Expressing what you need can turn holiday chaos into shared magic, trust me!
• We chat about the importance of recognizing and validating each other's efforts during this festive season, because, let’s face it, nobody wants to be the Grinch!
• Delegating tasks can lighten the load; remember, it’s not just about who does what, but how to share the joy of the season together!
• We reflect on our roles in holiday traditions and how they can reveal deeper emotional needs, which can totally help avoid those family meltdowns!

Chapters

00:11

Introduction to Episode Three

00:38

The Mental Load of Holiday Planning

07:48

The Importance of Decoration in Creating a Home

17:08

Understanding Emotional Needs in Relationships

22:48

Navigating Emotional Challenges in Relationships

Foreign.

Hello, friends. We're back with episode three of our mini series about the holiday load.

We're doing it.

Let's do this. So I guess I didn't do our intro, but, like, I'm Taylor. I'm Britney.

You're so Paul together.

I know, but we are excited to be here and. And to talk about the holidays.

We like the holidays. This week we are talking about mental load in relationships and figuring out who's actually running Christmas. The Grinch.

We watched a lot of Grinch lately.

I am laughing about this, though, because, like, this has literally been, like, a big conversation between James and I. And then you and I have talked about this too, so it'll be fun to see where this episode kind of goes.

I run Christmas.

Yeah. Like, and that's.

This is the first question in my relationship.

Well, I know. And that's what's so funny. Like, because for me, I've never had to fight to run Christmas. Like, because it's like. Or the holidays or, like, but how.

Was that even elected? Like, and I think this is the interesting thing is, like.

Like, some of the things that happen, like, in relationships, especially once you have kids, it's like, how is this? Like, when I birthed the babies, my husband just looked at me. He's like, what do we do? I'm like, okay, we have the same.

We have the same manual, I don't think.

Yeah.

There'S so many times where he's like, what do we do? I'm like, why is it? By the answer.

Yeah, what?

And I feel like that's a lot of things. But you know what? I do it to him, too.

Like, he's like, all the finance stuff and all the stock stuff and all the, like, you know, like, some of the deeper things that I don't want to think about. Like, that's him. So who likes it and why is a very fascinating.

It's super odd. And, like. And it's weird for me, too now because this is what we want, right?

As a relationship with it for people who are, like, balanced on things and, like, want to, like, be part of.

It and all this.

And, like, I actually don't know how to work in that because I'm used to just being in charge.

Yeah.

Like, yeah, Isn't that funny? Like, it's like, yeah, well, because I.

I come from a situation where we are balanced, but we also own our zones, so we don't have to. But I don't know how you guys are actually verbally having those conversations.

I actually don't know how we got elected into our roles, which is good.

Natural thing. Like, it's kind of just like a societal thing, at least in American culture to be.

Like, it is very societal.

I think that's what it is. Like, oh, well, mommy will take care of the decorations. Or.

And then ours is unique because it was like, he was a divorced single dad for how many years? And he just got used to, like, well, I have to do it, otherwise nobody's gonna do it. Like, yeah, yeah. And so now we're both here.

Like, yeah. So then you have to start dividing again, which makes a lot of sense where you're coming from.

And mine was like, well, we went into it, like, what's your strengths? Was my strengths. What's kind of the elected.

Yeah.

Role that you have? And. And do you agree with it or not?

So it's interesting because there is, like, lots of studies on this too, and stuff, but women are usually, like, the default to being certain mental load carriers, like, the children's stuff, like appointments and, you know, regulation skills and modeling, all these things. Like, usually it's the motherly role or the nurturer's role that is taking those things on. Um, and it's. It's. Yeah, but I don't. Just.

Interesting, isn't it? Yeah.

Then the holidays continue to be in that. Like, I love what you had had on these notes here of why do women default to being the holiday CEO? Like, why do we get up in the C suite?

How does that happen? You know, like, yeah, I think that's.

What I've, like, because, you know, like, I just kind of taken it on and I love it. I love decorating. I love being the one that's like, hey, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this. Like, but it's exhausting.

And that's where it's, like, interesting that, like, it's making me reflect a lot in this moment of, like, how did I get in this position?

Well, and what's funny is I literally fought to put myself in that position because, James, we love it because we were talking about that. Doing it. Yeah.

Because it's our love language. Like, I love decorating my children's house or my children's rooms, like, or the house.

Or I love decorating, like, for Christmas or knowing that, like, you know, we're gonna do this, like, tradition. Like, I. For Halloween, I had, like, wrapped a different book every day for Countdown to Halloween because I think Halloween is so cute.

So, like, 13 days of books for 13 days of Halloween. Till then. And my husband was like, thanks so much for thinking of that and doing it.

And, like, it brings me so much joy, not only when, like, my kids are benefiting from it, but then my partner is also like, oh, my goodness, it was such a cute idea. And, like, so good. Like, it's so much validation to me. But why? Like, why? Because he could care less if I was just like, hey, good job.

He'd be like, okay, whatever. Like, is that part of it?

I don't. I don't know what it is. Because we've really been talking about this, too, in our house. Because. Trying to redefine, like, the boundaries.

Boundaries and involvement and, like, all of this, because part of me is like, yeah, you don't have to do that anymore. You have a wife now. Like, I'll just take care of it. But then I'm like, why am I feeling this need to, like, just take care of it at the same time?

Yeah, she wants to do it. But then I'm like, but I actually really love doing it.

Like, it's. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, I don't know if some of it's cultural, religious perfectionism, societal expectations of, like, I can do this better than he can.

I'm on Instagram more, therefore, I must be the. The. You know, I must have more knowledge about this.

I don't know. I keep thinking of this example of when we moved into this house. I still hadn't decorated the bathroom. I had a few little.

Like, in our bedroom, we have, like, this weird bathroom where it needed something on this, like, shelf. Then I was gonna do it, and all of a sudden, I look in there one day, and I was like, you did so good. It looks so cute.

You put, like, these pictures and this plant and, like, looks super cute. And I was just like, good job, honey. He's like, well, yeah, I can decorate. I have a good eye. But I just let you do it because you like it.

And I was like, that was humbling. Okay. He's like, I mean, you do a great job on the house, but, like, I don't need you to do it. I could do it. And I'm like, clearly, you can.

It is super humbling when that happens. Like, yeah, it was awesome.

Yeah, I could be replaced with this, but don't replace me well.

And it gets. I get super offended all the time, too, because he'll, you know, like, james, like, I actually don't need you to do this. I'm like, you don't need me?

Like, what do you mean you don't need me, but it's like, at the same time, like, I know he doesn't need me. He wants me. And, like, for Christmas, which is good. Like, yeah, that's a healthy thing.

Like, you're choosing to be together because you don't need each other. But, like, yeah, we're going down a rabbit hole here on this one.

But, like, I think it's interesting because it's the theme of the day of, like, who carries the mental load? And why did you get elected in this spot? I think it's because at times, like, when you fulfill a role, what are you seeking?

What are you doing in that role? And why did you want to fulfill that role? There's probably something there.

Yeah, true. And, like, what validation are you seeking? How's it feeling, your need for love language?

Is it making you feel connected? Is it making you. And. And I think that can help you look at this load that you're taking on. Like, it. It did help me when he said that.

And I'm like, you're right. I elect to do this because I do like our house in a certain way, and I do like being in control of it.

Like, so, yes, it's a pain in the butt for me to remember all these things, but, like, like, taking my kids to the doctor, I want. I. I need to do that. I want to do that. That's. That's a personal thing for me. It's not like, he won't. It's not that he can't. It's that I need it.

And once I, like, started, like, separating those two, it can help, I think.

A little bit, I think.

So I elected for this load so I can take it.

Yeah.

And also learn what. You can delegate, too.

Totally.

Yeah. Like, what.

What can you delegate? What can you feel comfortable with?

But.

And I think there's, like, interesting thing, right? Like, where we were, like, okay, first Christmas together. How's this gonna look? And he's like, well, I want to decorate.

And I'm like, no, I want to decorate. Like, that's mine. And I really had to come up with why. Like, why. And so I think when I was.

And you and I had talked about this afterwards, and I was like, it's important to me because that's how I'm going to feel connected to our home. That's how I'm going to feel connected with the kids, because I'm creating some magic. And, like, it's my love language, which you had summed that up.

Well, I hadn't thought of it quite that way, right?

Like, oh yeah.

The service based thing as well as I was. Like, it's part of my, it's part of who I am.

Like, that's part of my, like one of my core beliefs or not core beliefs, core values is making sure things look beautiful. Right. Like, I have a background in design. I went to school for advertising. Like, this is who I've always been.

Like, that's just. But I think it's because it's not just that you like things beautiful. It's. It's, it's what creates peace for people.

It's what creates peace and a, an ability to like, come together. Like, I love decorating my kids rooms because I want them to feel safe and like they have their own spot.

And like I keep making them these little forts in their room, around their beds and stuff.

And it's, it's been one of the highlights of moving in this new home is like, I'm creating all of these special little hidey holes for my kids, but because our mom did that for us. And I remember just how magical and safe my home felt to me. Not because, like it was a, it was just because my mom made it feel that way.

Like the way she decorated it or arma, but like, you know, the way she decorated it, the way she like did things. It made it feel like not only is this a house, it's a home. It's. It's a safe spo like spot for me.

And I think it's the same thing when it comes to the holidays is this is a safe spot that then creates the magic and this is the environment that creates the magic.

And when you're the person that has a skillset to do that, like, I definitely have the skillset, the capabilities and kind of just first off, I have a platform. Like my job is more flexible than my husband's job, meaning I have more time to do it, but also the desire to do it.

And also, like, I think of a few different things than he does because that's how my brain works. And I can multitask so I can do it quicker and I can do it like wider.

And you know, just some of these things made me the elected one, now that I'm thinking about it instead of him being the elected one.

Yeah. And I think it's good to go back and be like, if there's a task that you're doing that you're really like, I actually resent doing this.

Like, go talk to your partner. Oh yeah.

If there's resentment, then let's talk about it.

Let's talk about it.

Yeah. Like.

Like, in this case, you and I were excited to decorate for holidays, right?

Like, we're actually.

Like, it's something really not everybody.

I resent it if I have to grab the boxes down. Okay? That's where I say.

And he knows that I don't mind doing that, but, like, I hate it.

Go grab me the boxes.

But it's like, I have friends that hate decorating. Like, it's just not one of their things. It stresses them out. And so it's one of those where it's like, you've got to find, like, fight.

Work with your partner to find what works best for you.

Right?

Or if you're single right now. Like, I know James. Like, we'd kind of laugh. Like, we brought Christmas stuff in yesterday, I think it was.

And I had, like, I don't know, 20 different boxes, assortment of Christmas things, whatever, right? And he's got, like, two. And so it was like, okay. Like, and for him, it was a. Christmas is really important to me.

I want to decorate just because I want Christmas in my home, and I want my kids to have the memories. But I don't actually care about, like, making it beautiful, right? Like, where you and I are more, like, I want to make it beautiful.

I want the sparkle. I want the glam, blah, blah, blah, right?

Like, yeah.

And so for him, it was a. I think you've got to work with your partner to be like, here's what is our importance? Like, what is our core? Like, this is what we want, right? Like, and then you have to work together to be like, okay, like, this is important to you.

This is important to me. Where can we meet? In the middle.

Like, and for James and I, we had kind of had to meet in the middle where he's like, I just want to help decorate the Christmas tree. I was like, great, let's do that.

He's like, for me, that's my favorite thing of decorating for Christmas is decorating the Christmas tree with some music on.

Right? Love it. That's great.

And so I think that that was because at first, we were just really butting heads because he's like, I want everybody to be involved. It needs to stay simple. I want the kids to feel like.

They have a say.

And I'm like, nope. I want it to look like a Pottery Barn catalog. Like, I have all these bazillion boxes.

And so I think it's just breaking it down and being, like, delegating it to an extent and be like, don't feel forced into something. Like, because my natural avoidant tendencies were to be like, fine, we will give up on all my Christmas. I'm just gonna let you and your.

Kids take care of it. Right.

Like, because I'm like, I don't want conflict. That's where I naturally go, but that's not healthy either. So it's like, rewind and work through it with your partner and I. It can happen.

Like, it's okay.

Yeah. I think the biggest thing is looking at, like, what can you delegate? What tasks do you, like, don't like?

And then even on the tasks I like, I still need Matson's help. Like, it's still this. It just, you know, you have to ask for the help at times because it's overwhelming. And that's the hard part.

Yeah. Or ask them if they want to be involved. Right. Like, where James is, like, I really want to help with the Christmas tree. I don't mind doing it.

Like, I'm happy to go make sure my bulbs are perfectly placed, but, like, just that reminder of it doesn't have to be perfect. And, like, let them help if they want to.

Yeah, yeah. You know what's funny? As I just saw this, like, how to redistribute the workload without a fight. And we got. We have lights on our house.

And I. Matson was out of town for work, and it was right before Halloween, and we had a windstorm and the flag ripped off some of the lights. And I was so irritated to the point where I was going to go out in a rainstorm on a ladder and go fix him myself, because he was gone.

And I was like, okay, that's dumb. It's 9:00 o'clock at night. I shouldn't do that. So I didn't do that, luckily. But I asked him for five days, like, can you please fix the light?

Please fix the lights? And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And finally I was like, matson, I am going to tell you right now.

And I identified what the emotion was and why I needed it. And he didn't realize what it was representing inside of me. Right. It wasn't like that. It was just irritating. I was like, this is representing.

Like, it's ruining a home that I work so hard to make feel like a safe, beautiful environment that's valuable to me because that's what my children are living in. If my children are living in. And I. Not, you're living it. And I. I value my family. I want them to have this.

This home and having this hang down like this, it just represents to me everything that I'm not as a person, as a family, as a mother. And it's. It's irritating me on so many levels. It's making me mad. And now I make.

I'm getting mad at you for not caring about my feelings and not fixing it. Two minutes later, he was outside putting them back.

Well, and I think that's such a good example. Like, we can both think about even recent conversations, right, with both of our partners.

And like, as soon as we' able to say, like, this is why I'm feeling this, instead of just like, getting upset and being like, do it or no, yeah, yeah, I'm taking this over this. I'm doing all the Christmas, right? Because I handled that immaturely at first, right? And then it just puts up more walls, right?

And if you had gone to Matson and been like, fix it now. I need it fixed. That's an immature response.

So, like, and so, see, we both, like, the initial responses sometimes start out as like, okay, we can do better. But then when we go and we, like, state our needs and like, hey, this is actually what this is bringing out in me.

And then they're really good about, like, I can see that this actually matters to you.

And I think if we can stop and like, for anybody, if they're fighting over whatever, it might be like making the green jello Grandma used to make and you hate it. But, like, talk about the core reason why. Like, because it brings back these memories.

And it's important to me because I remember my grandma and she was the closest woman in my life or whatever. Like, I. Like, I think that's a good reminder for all of us.

I think that mental workload, the biggest problem with it is that we don't identify the emotion that's making us present the way we're presenting.

Usually the frustrations we're having, usually the reservations we're having are all at a result of I have an unmet emotion that I'm trying to present and I'm presenting it poorly. And that's the hard part is you're presenting it poorly.

So the better that you can identify what you're feeling first and then what you need, like, why and what you need, the more you can have your partner meet your needs and not. Not be resentful and not actually feel like.

I don't actually feel like a lot of the mental load of the holidays is on me because I have a partner who will, like, see a need and meet it. Right?

But if I do, then when I say something like, hey, this is really frustrating me, or whatever, and this is why he steps up, and then it goes away. So a lot of this can be solved with simply that communicating to people.

Yeah. And it's interesting now for me because I've been in two very different marriages, right? And the first one was very much like, I just did everything.

If Brittany didn't do it, it just never happened. And the second one is like, I'm literally fighting him to, like, I'm decorating for Christmas.

Back off.

Right. Like, but it's a good practice to be like, why are we feeling this way? Right?

And so I remember I went into a therapy session, I think, a week ago or something. And she's like.

A lot of times she's like, the conflict stems from, like, one emotion that's usually flaring up, whether it's, like, grief or sadness or jealousy or control or, like.

Or protection or, you know, like.

Or, like, you've been abandoned before, and so this is your response to abandonment. So she was like, figure out what it is that you're feeling in that moment. And I think that was a really good reminder to be like, oh, yeah.

Like, I'm responding this way because I had felt abandoned before, or I am responding this way because I am sad that I didn't get to give my kids these traditions before or whatever it might be. But, like. Or if it's like, if you're really frustrated because you think your husband's over the top and, you know, like.

Like, figure out why you're feeling that way. To stop, pause, and think about, like, okay, this is actually what it means.

Well, it's even funny. Like, Matson and I go back and forth every year about this silliness. He likes Christmas after decorations, after Thanksgiving.

He is compromised and said before we leave for Thanksgiving. So, like, the weekend before. And I always push back. We always fight about it. Like, not fight, fight, but, like, bigger.

And I got the tree yesterday, right? My Christmas tree. And I set it up to see Costco. Hello, Costco. And to see how it would look in that corner. And Matson comes down, and he looks at me.

It's like, so we're putting it away. I was like, no, because blah, blah. And he's looking. He looked at me. I was like, please, it's important.

And, like, it clicked for him right then where he's. I feel important when he recognizes my needs, when he dismisses them. Then I feel like I'm not important to him, he doesn't value me.

And he knows that because we had conversations. Right. So when I said it's important, he knew, like, it wasn't about the tree.

It was about him seeing me and my needs and compromising on this one area because I've compromised on setting up our whole house. He's like, okay. But it was interesting because we've had this pattern of communication where he could see, like, I have named this before.

This is important. And when I have him stop and I say, this is important, he'll be like, okay. It's a bigger emotion than the tree.

It's a bigger emotion than whatever is going on. And I think if you can get to that point, you're going to notice a lot of these resentments and issues and fights that you're having go down a ton.

Yeah. And I think it's just, like, getting it out there.

And I think it's just a good practice, too, to be like, if you can practice naming what you're actually feeling instead of just, like, what you're upset about. Right. That, like, saying, I'm upset about this. Because, like, that goes so much farther.

And I think as you get into the practice of this, especially around the holidays, like, it will help you and your partner to feel less overwhelmed, less stress, less resentment. Like.

Yeah.

Even though it sucks kind of in the moment sometimes.

Yeah. I think another thing, too, though, because I was. I was going through our list of stuff, and sleep deprivation stands out.

And I was like, oh, that was me with Ray. And I. I remember at one point being like, I. I was building resentment because Ray would not take my husband. My daughter does not.

Like, Matt did not. She loves Matson now, but, like, she's a mama's girl for sure.

When she was Amy, it was. She wouldn't go to anybody.

No. For the first six months, it was just me.

Yeah.

And my mom. Thank goodness we have mom.

What an auntie. And, like, Banks. We tricked Banks for months, thinking I was Mom.

No. Yeah. Literally.

I will never forget the day where he, like, looked at me like, he.

Was like, you're not Mom.

Like, it was like betrayal. But it had been months. Like.

I know. It was so funny. That was so funny. Yeah. Because we sound ratings similar. No. Right? No. No. Me and my mom. That was it.

So I was building, like, this resentment of, like, I'm sacrificing so much. I'm so exhausted. I'm so. Whatever. And him just naming it, like, I see you're tired. I'm so sorry. I'm Trying to alleviate in some other way.

I'm trying to alleviate like everything that happened immediately made me like less crazy.

And that's where I think when you have all these pressures to perform and do all these things and take on this role, sleep deprivation is a big thing. But having somebody name it and recognize that sacrifice can also help you build that tolerance up.

Because sometimes you're just not going to be able to get that sleep. Sometimes you're just not going to be able to have that tolerance.

But having your partner acknowledge it and the sacrifice you're making can help too. So I'd. I don't know.

That just stood out in my brain of like, we, we should talk about that because there's going to be times where you're just not going to be able to sleep during this ordeal. But prioritize that if you can. But having a partner who can at least acknowledge or he would make sure I get naps in the day.

Like, whatever he could do, he would do. And I think if your partner names it and then tries to compensate for it in some way, it helps a lot. Without you building resentment. Yeah.

And I think sometimes, like, I know for myself, like I'll be expecting XYZ from James, right. And so I'll be like, oh, well, he, he only delivered X and Y. And so then I'm like, oh, but.

He still delivered X and Y. I.

Think that's where we have to remind ourselves sometimes to be like, no, but look, he did so he did this, right? So like even if you're still feeling really tired and your husband can't take that away, right.

Like you're feeling sleep deprived, you're trying to like meet work deadlines and meet all these magic things for kids and you're tired. But like if your husband sees it, like, yeah, he can't take it away. But like, or your partner, like that's something.

And I think that like even remembering that is. It will help a lot too.

It does help a lot. Where sometimes they just can't take your place. Yeah. But having the acknowledgement of it really helps.

I think the biggest thing you can do for all of us to keep your, your pre elected mental load and your pre elected job being CEO of the holidays is communicate. Like if you are building resentment about something, name it because your partner doesn't want you to take resentment on. Right.

So either that thing will get eliminated or they will take it or they will figure out how to support you better in it. And that's the goal.

Yeah. And circling back to our. Our previous episode where we had talked about sanity and traditions.

Like, if you're feeling a lot of, like, emotional buildup or resentment or things like that, then go back and, like, reassess it out. Cut it. Yeah.

Like, not serving.

You have to be Martha Mayhove. Right. Like, we don't. Like, it doesn't all be fabulous all the time.

Yeah. Like, the who's really lost sight, man. They really.

They really did, Mark. Like, they're neighbor. They're still in lights from the stoplights. Like, we don't need that. That's not what your kids need.

Like, if you're feeling the burnout to love them.

Yep.

Communicate with your partner what your needs are and, like, try to state them feeling like or not freely. Try to state them, like, as clearly as you can and, like, get to that, like, core emotion that you're feeling.

Even if it's hard to tell them sometimes. Like, it'll go a lot. Stick to the formula.

I feel because I need, like, that formula serves you day to day. And the minute that I can get to that is the minute that we make headway. But before that, it's usually pretty immature and stupid on my part.

Yeah.

I hopefully admit that, like, it's not all sunshine and roses sometimes. Yeah. Some of the stuff I've said to my husband.

We'll talk about that another time.

So funny. It's so funny. All right, so just remember that I feel because I need.

Next episode we are going to talk about overstimulated over, tiled over scheduled and how you can work on your stress management and sensory overload during a time where it's really hard.

Perfect. Sounds awesome.

Be excited. Thanks, guys.

Thanks for listening.

Bye.