Today’s chat is all about emotional coaching, and trust me, it’s a game-changer for parents! We’re diving deep into how to help our kiddos navigate their big feelings while keeping our sanity intact. Gabby, our fabulous guest, shares her journey from being a total skeptic of working with kids to finding joy in guiding their emotional growth. We’re unpacking the five key steps to emotional coaching, from attunement to setting limits, all while sprinkling in a touch of humor and a few relatable parenting tales. So, whether you’re a seasoned pro or just starting out in this wild parenting adventure, grab your favorite snack and join us for some enlightening and entertaining discussions that’ll have you saying, “I got this!”

Takeaways:

1. Emotional coaching is crucial for helping kids express their feelings while maintaining proper boundaries, which can be tricky but essential for growth.
2. We discovered that kids don't just need to know their feelings; they also need to learn how to express them without throwing tantrums or plates.
3. The journey of parenting involves learning how to balance emotions, especially when kids are feeling hangry or overwhelmed; it’s all about connection and understanding!
4. Identifying and validating emotions in kids can make a world of difference; we’re not just their parents, we’re also their emotional guides!
5. It’s important to remember that teaching emotional intelligence is a long-term game; even 40% of the time in emotional coaching can lead to amazing outcomes.
6. Being aware of our own emotional states as parents is key; we can’t help our kids if we’re not in tune with ourselves first.

Foreign.

Hello, friends.

I'm Taylor, and today my sister is out on just life.

So I have a guest with me.

This is Gabby.

Do you want to go by Gabrielle or Gabby?

Either one is totally fine.

Gabby's totally good.

Okay.

Okay.

So, Cabby fru.

Tell us a little bit about yourself, Gabby.

So I am a clinician.

I live in Montana right now, and so I'm licensed in the state of Montana.

And right now I work with adolescents and adults and private practice.

I am.

I mean, more fun things.

Like, I'm married.

I have a son.

He's three.

We know each other because of our husbands.

They are, like, what, middle school friends?

Like, yeah.

Who stays middle school friends?

Like, this is the funniest.

And it's funny that we actually all the, like, partners and wives really like each other in this middle school group.

What is it, four of them?

Five.

Yeah.

It worked really well.

I have no idea.

All very likable.

Yes.

And we all like each other, so I'm like, that's.

And you guys stayed friends, which is so cute.

So it's funny because we always say our husbands are the ones that can never be left alone.

They need the other ones with them because they'd probably end up in jail together or something.

So we have the fun, crazy ones.

And it's funny they married therapists, which I think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think the whole group laughs at this one.

Pretty funny that Mike ended up with a therapist.

Yeah.

Okay.

Still ask himself why Matson does every day, especially when I'm like, well, like, think about this.

Like, he's like, really?

That's funny.

What made you be a therapist?

So I was one of what I consider the weird ones who knew what they wanted to be.

When I was, like, 15 years old, I knew that I wanted to help people, and I knew that.

I love psychology.

It was the thing I loved since I was in my teens.

And I really enjoy trying to understand how people thought and really getting to hear their stories and getting kind of inside their head.

So in high school, I knew I wanted a degree in psychology, so I ended up going to undergrad.

And during that time in undergrad, it really came to be my understanding that, okay, I want to be a therapist.

Like, this is the best way to get to where I want to be.

So as far as the field I'm in, I will say that I absolutely love trauma, which for some people sounds really questionable, but I love getting to walk with people as they heal, heal from the things that they've gone through.

I really relish Learning all I can about trauma, the brain, the best evidence based practice.

It's a very big passion of mine.

And my first three years after grad school, it was really a trial by fire because we ended up moving from South Carolina to Alaska.

Like a rural Alaska.

We lived in Fairbanks.

And I did community mental health because that's the thing you do after grad school because you need supervision.

And I did exclusively child and family and the majority of my caseload was kids with ptsd.

So that time really seemed to honestly cement my love of treating trauma.

It was really hard, but I learned a lot and I really enjoyed it.

Isn't that interesting though, because I feel like we come in and we all think we're going to do something.

Like I thought I was going to be in like more hospitals.

So I was pre med surgeon, changed from that because I wanted a family life.

So I changed to like, I mean, surgeons work like what, 13 hour, 24 hour days.

Like I would never be home.

Yeah, no thanks.

So I changed my sister had her kids to therapy, which is funny.

And then I was like, well, I'll do just the medical side.

Like, I'll do neuro.

I love neuropsych.

I love how the body interacts with everything.

I know, it's.

It's like we nerd out about this together.

Oh, that's so hard.

It's so funny when we get another therapist, like, nobody else understands what we're talking about.

So then like we get together, we're like, hey, did you hear this?

Did you see that?

Research, study.

Oh my goodness.

And nobody, everyone's like sitting around us like, we're like, just let us have our moment.

Yeah, just let us have our moment.

Okay.

Nobody understands.

So it was funny.

But then I ended up in trauma, which is what I was scared of.

Like, oh, I would never work with children.

And that it was absolutely not going to happen.

And then I was offered a position with child and family and also with the adult side.

And I was like, you know what?

Child and family sounds like more of a challenge to me.

It sounds like I'm going to need to learn and grow even more.

And so that's why I went with that side of things.

And you know what?

I had so much fun.

I got to be silly.

I got to be goofy, which I just am anyway, which is better, right?

Like, you get to be a person.

Yeah, yeah, we got to play games.

Like, it was really fun.

I got to see super resilient kids.

Like, I got to see this amazing side of humanity.

That was like, kids just want to get better.

They want to.

They want to connect, they want to do better.

They want to learn more, and they don't want to be stuck there.

And so it was so amazing.

And, yeah, that whole I will never work with children.

Yeah, that went out the window.

Yeah.

I feel like the nevers always go out the window.

But it was interesting, too, because I feel like children and kids, like, I work more on the teen side.

I cut it off before 11, because the very thing we're talking about today is what frustrates me.

So it's with the parent side.

Yep.

You know it.

I think I told you.

I was like, I was out.

I'm so frustrated by it.

So I was out.

That's what I always said.

I won't work with kids because I don't want to work with their parents.

That's what it is.

Let me do this.

I can.

I can bring some light into this very difficult time.

Yes.

And that's where it's really hard, because you either have really amazing parents that you work with, and they will take the training and they will listen, and then you have really difficult ones that you're like, you are the reason.

You are the reason.

And that's where I decided to get out.

But I do think working with teens and kids, you see a lot of hope in the future of people, and that's what I love about it, and that's what I think is inspiring, because I thought, like, yeah, teens.

I didn't know if I was gonna work with them, and I.

So fun.

They're so funny.

And some of the crap that comes.

Out of my mouth.

Oh, my goodness.

My favorite's when they run in my office and be like, hey, I got tea.

And they, like, slam the door and come flop on my couch.

And I'm like, what happened?

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my gosh.

I know.

The teen drama I get to hear about is amazing.

And I'm like, first of all, you let them say that to you.

But some of the stuff that's so funny.

And then I'll be like, that's not actually, like, you know, it's the opposite sometimes where I'm like, that's not a boundary.

That's control.

They're like, but I put a boundary out.

I'm like, let's.

Let's retry.

Let's retry.

I love that you want to set boundaries, but let's.

Let's talk about this reassess.

I've had teens tell me what words mean nowadays, because Apparently, I'm old and I don't know things, and I don't know this life.

Are you learning?

Yeah.

Riz was like, no, girl.

Like, no, no.

There's weird ones.

There's, like, cracked.

Yeah, I learned that one.

I was like.

I was like, I'm sorry, do we not know how biology works?

But it's like, yeah.

What are you saying?

There was one where one kid came in and I was like, what?

Ah, girl, I wish I remembered it.

Because we need to, like, start comparing.

I need to, like, have a running list of these things.

Because sometimes they'll come in and be.

Like, oh, one of my friends sent me, like, 100 slang words from Jen.

Whatever we're in at this point.

Because she was like, you don't know what that means.

And I was like, I think this.

Is what everybody needs, right?

Like, all these parents hearing stuff.

Because, like, half the time I know they don't know what they're saying.

Like, I have parents who is like, they called me chat this morning.

I'm like, we're gonna move on from that.

Just move on from it.

It cycles so fast because of social media and the Internet, and all of it happening.

Like, the.

The cycling of language happens so fast.

Do you remember standing in the pool talking about, like, what is millennial slang?

What is our slang?

I thought about that for months.

But we've kept it.

We have.

Like, it's how we've kept it.

Yeah, yeah.

And so ours didn't cycle as fast as their cycles, and so it changes so much more quickly now.

But vernacular still.

Yes, it's the same.

I know it's funny because me and Matine will say things.

We were watching.

It's funny because, like, I feel like our generation is very solidified in what we have or what we are.

Because, like, we were watching Magic School Bus.

We're like, oh, remember when we learned this?

Or, like, talked about this?

And it's like, the 90s kids had such a.

Like, a bubble of a time.

And then social media came and.

Yeah.

And all the kids now have such animoia.

They are nostalgic for a time they never experience.

All of them are, like, watching, like, videos and cassette tapes.

They're listening to that or DVDs, and I'm like, why?

Like, they'll come in and talk about it.

I'm like, okay.

But I agree.

They want that simplicity of life, but they also want to.

That connection.

I was reading a really good Sub stack.

I really like the After Babel sub stack with John Haight.

And he has a lady on there.

Her name's Freya India, and she has experienced this Animoya.

So she's writing from this, like, gin.

What Alpha perspective.

And he, like, was talking all about it.

Everybody's talking to each other.

People are willing to be on video.

And it's.

It was really interesting because I was like, oh, yeah, I would.

Yeah.

I remember things like that.

They did, like, my.

Oh, my gosh.

Yes, I remember that stuff.

Horrendously idiotic at the time, but we.

Were too cool for that.

I.

We'll go with that one.

It's just so funny, though, like, looking at the difference between now and then, I'm noticing, like, we're raising our kids, and I think a lot of our generation is, like, how we were raised.

Very, like, 90s kids.

Like, my son gets, you know, school bus.

Like, magic school bus for the morning or Bluey or something very, like, basic.

And then he'll, like, go play toys, go play outside.

Like, it's.

Oh, you're a lot nicer than I am.

I don't even let my son watch that.

He is allowed to watch sports and, like.

Right, great.

We'll watch a movie, like, once a week.

I think that's great.

I have a.

We finally got Banks into it, Gabby.

Like, I needed him to do it for airplanes.

So finally he will actually sit and watch a show because he's got ADHD like me.

So that was.

Some of it was selfish.

Like, I need you to train.

I don't disagree, though.

I think it's good we don't do.

The battery toys because, like, Mike's mom and myself, we both believe, like, babies don't need batteries.

Kids don't need batteries.

My son loves to go outside and play.

Will be, like, 30 degrees outside, and he's like, I go outside?

Oh, yeah.

Banks calls it go biking.

He says go biking because he loves to ride his bike, but go for walks or just play and.

Yeah, yeah, that's exactly.

And he'll be like, oh, it raining.

Can we, like, go to bounce house?

Like, we found other things where it's like, get outside or go places.

Yeah.

And he Just loves, He just loves being active.

Like, we have the wooden toys, we have the trucks, we have.

We honestly have an indoor two person exercise trampoline.

That is.

Love that.

That's great.

Yeah, we did the balance beam too.

Have you seen that one at Target?

Yeah, he has that and he has like a bunch of.

Yeah, he has like the, the nugget things too, where he can make sports out of them and stuff.

So like, definitely more active play like what we did, you know, like, than one.

Yeah.

Like creativity, imagination.

Montessori toys.

Yeah.

White.

Right.

Something that really stuck out to me when I was in Alaska and I was working with like younger kids was the absolute lack of personality.

And I say that with love and kindness.

It's true.

The only thing they could tell me about were the TV shows they liked, the games they like to play, YouTube, like this stuff, the videos, the characters they liked.

And there wasn't imagination happening, there wasn't creativity happening, there wasn't problem solving happening.

And it's, it's not because parents like don't want that for their kids.

I think most of the time parents were just stressed, overwhelmed, overworked, and just needed to not be stimulated.

The unfortunate part of that is that when we agree to become parents, we agree to be overstimulated.

My son literally asked me yesterday, you overwhelmed?

Yes, yes, very much.

Very much.

But that's the, that is what generations of parents have done.

And I think a lot of us have forgotten like the convenience of the technology or the convenience of being able to like throw an iPad at them.

And, and that's the really hard part.

Like every time we go out to eat, me and Matt's are like, we are surviving for our lives because we don't do iPads, we don't do phones.

Like once in a blue moon, if he misses his nap yesterday, he missed his nap and we did this huge hike and I was like, here's Grinch for 10 minutes, you know, or paw patrol.

Like never happens, but usually we do.

We color engage like that.

Yeah, he's a part of dinner, right?

And I think that's the thing that some, some parents forget.

And I will say when I, I remember working at Outback and this was an undergrad and I. Yeah, one of the guys there, he was a teacher and he had like 17 kids.

I think it was like four.

But he was like, look, we don't do those things.

You have to engage with them, you have to talk to them.

And then when they hit their expiration date, it's time to go?

Yes.

You can't make them fit your schedule.

You can't make them fit the dinner time you want.

You have to be willing to meet them where they are.

And sometimes that works great.

Other times, like, even when you do all the right things, they still lose their mind.

And that's okay.

Yeah.

Well, we got a real good break in for Europe because we did Europe and we did Spain and Portugal in May, and that was, you know, how they take a long time for eating and they do not run.

So there was some times we were just like, just take him outside.

Just.

Just take him in the courtyard.

Go run around for 20 minutes, come back, the food will be out.

Then it's like an hour and a half experience.

So we're just like, go, run.

Oh, it's huge.

So, like, I think that was our big break in of, like, we just gotta adjust a little bit, but at the same time, it'll be fine.

Like, he will do it and he.

He will come back for food, you know?

But the other thing is, we just don't go out to eat very much, to be totally honest.

We live in a tiny town, and we're such.

You don't want to go in the middle of Montana.

No.

And the thing is, we're such food snobs.

We cook stuff.

What are you gonna eat there?

I know, right?

When we do try to go out to eat, we're sorely disappointed.

So we just.

We make really good food here at home.

And Mike was a chef, right?

Yeah, he was a sous chef, so he makes amazing steaks.

He knows how to make amazing things.

He made his own recipe for carnitas.

Like, yeah, we eat at home, and we eat at home together, which is a whole nother thing that I will eventually put in a book.

Sometimes we just.

We just need to have more conversations about raising kids, because it is a whole thing.

And I feel like we're very similar on a lot of the concept of just go back to the basics because it's too much.

But we're talking about emotional coaching today, which ties into what we were talking.

About, because it is a lot of.

These basic concepts of acknowledging and realizing where your kid is at and what they need.

So kind of let's just start off at the basics first.

When we say emotional intelligence, when we're talking, like, what does that refer to?

Gabby.

Okay, so the emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and understand your own emotions, to understand and empathize with others emotions, and to respond to emotions with healthy behaviors that are cooperative, functional, and empathetic.

So just.

I really like that word empathetic.

I love me some empathy.

I'm a big fan.

I know it's, it's so missing in our society now and amongst so many kids.

I know that's.

Do you run into that the most?

That's what I run into the most is empathy is lacking.

Sympathy can be present.

Empathy is not there.

I think the times when I see it the most are when people are distinctly unwilling to agree to disagree.

And when people are saying like, oh, well, they hurt my feelings so I'm just going to cut them off.

I'm never talking to them again.

And it's like, yeah, cancel, cancel.

Culture is real.

Let's, let's seek to understand, understand.

And you know, that's a really big thing in like Gottman, Couples counseling is seeking to understand.

And emotion coaching is a Gottman method.

So they've done so much research just on relationships in general.

And what they find is that when you, when you move over to an emotion focused place, it's so much easier to understand the person across from you.

That's going to increase the empathy.

When you increase the empathy, it turns down the volume.

It turns down the intensity of what you're doing, feeling.

And also, empathy doesn't mean acceptance.

You can understand how somebody feels and still say, yeah, it's not okay to do that thing.

Yes.

I say acceptance is not agreement.

And that's where people have to really think about it.

Like, agreement is alignment.

Acceptance is saying, I can understand and say it's present.

Yeah, people have a hard time.

Yeah, I can, I can understand it.

Which I think parents have a really, really hard time with this.

Like yesterday I was in the grocery store with my two year old, we were at Costco and he really, he really wanted to stand in the basket and he, he kept sitting on the edge of the cart and almost falling over.

So I was like, we're done.

Got worn multiple times.

So I was putting him in the top part.

I was standing there for literally two minutes with my kid kicking me, trying to put him in this cart.

And I had so many people watching me and I was like, I understand y' all don't like the tantrum, but it's present because he has big feelings.

Right.

But like, people just don't like to.

Oh my God.

People forget that children, adolescents and teenagers have their own thoughts.

Yes.

They're people.

Yes.

Sorry.

That's okay.

You're good.

Yes.

It's so true though, because like, that's where it's Hard is.

Is like he is having real feelings.

They are valid.

It's okay.

I do.

I don't personally agree with this right now because we're in the middle of freaking Costco.

But the pressure is from the perspective of others.

Your pressure exactly.

You're experiencing is coming from your interpretation of how people are perceiving you.

So in those.

Go ahead.

In those moments, I've learned, like, because I watched so many people around me.

So when I started having kids, is like, I will not be the parent that snaps just because other people are uncomfortable.

I don't have to be uncomfortable.

Right.

So I had prepped myself a long time ago for this.

So every time my 2 year old throws a tantrum, it's always like he has feelings.

It's okay.

Others can be uncomfortable.

We are good.

We are doing our thing.

So I take a deep breath and I'm like, I know we got big feels.

This is the expectation.

Let it out and then we're gonna move on.

And it works every time.

I'm like, you got feelings.

It's okay.

Like, and we're gon keep going.

It was two minutes.

It was, it was two minutes.

And he calmed down, replaced it, found a sample, moved on.

Right.

Sometimes you need food.

Food helps regulate.

And if we can.

He also found his, his Nano, which is my mom.

That helped too.

That helps a lot.

Because connection is the thing that helps.

Connection is what helps.

I was reading we'll call my mom sometimes too.

Like if she's not there.

So sorry, you're reading what I was reading good inside by Dr. Becky.

I forget her last name, but I was reading that.

And yeah, and I'll be honest, I initially had some knee jerk reactions to it that were negative simply because I wanted it to be negative.

Like I didn't want somebody else to have something good to say.

But I took a step back and I was like, you know what?

I do like what she's saying because she's reminding us that we need to give a benefit of the doubt and we need to remember that our children are actually good.

They're good inside because that's just how kids are.

And then.

And the, the place where it really aligns with emotion coaching is that we have to understand that we have a parental agenda.

Our parental agenda is that our kids are going to be obedient or they're going to be intelligent or they're going to be nice or whatever.

My, my parental agenda is a little bit different, but we have these expectations for them that really, really rear their Ugly heads in emotional moments when our kids agenda is butting up against our agenda and we want to make everything a moralistic story.

So when it's throwing a tantrum in Costco, it's like, you'll never succeed in life if you keep acting like this.

Or people are gonna think I'm a bad parent.

I mean, for me, I jumped to my emotional wounds, which is interesting because my initial thought is like, everyone is watching.

Everyone's gonna think I'm a bad parent.

And I've really had to work on retraining.

Like, emotions don't represent anything.

They're just a moment.

Right.

It's a fleeting.

They're just information, literally.

And it's just feedback to know, like, I can respond and how I respond is going to dictate how he then responds later.

Right.

Is it going to make the tangents continue or is it going to help hip and see, like, I can still express my emotions.

Oh, the book you were saying is Good Inside by Becky Kennedy.

Yes, that's what it is.

A guide to becoming the parent you want to be.

And we can post that.

It's really interesting, I will say, just from a clinical perspective, she offers a lot of stay present in the moment.

She aligns very well with Gottman stuff.

And it's a lot of, I think, cognitive reframing where you're reminding yourself my kid is good inside.

And I.

Get that they think it's them versus a kid all the time.

And I'm like, no, he's.

And I, I like remind myself because my daughter's hard.

Oh, you, you know, raised spicy.

She's spice.

Spice.

And she.

So there's been multiple times where I have to sit there and be like.

And I've had to talk to Matson about this because he didn't connect to her as fast as I did.

I'm like, she is good.

She is such a sweet, sweet, sweet girl.

And so, like, pure in spirit.

She's just spicy.

She's just.

She's her own preferences.

She's me, it's fine.

She just has a lot of Latina come out in here sometimes and it's great, you know, like.

And that's the other day, though.

We were dealing with her Latina and he was just like, oh, my goodness.

I'm like, madison, this is actually the part I respect the most about her.

Like, the coolest part about her is her spice.

And I think when you can reframe that and not be like, you're torturing me.

You're driving nuts.

You're more like, this is a good part about you.

You're just.

Yeah, you're just wearing me down.

It helps.

We have such a reaction to seeing the.

What we consider negative aspects of ourselves come out in our children.

For she is just 2.0.

Yeah.

For example, like my son, he will have what.

What my husband and I call perfectionistic tendencies.

Where if he doesn't the first time.

Oh, yeah.

Wonder where that comes from.

Where if he doesn't get it right the first time, he gets so frustrated.

And I'm like, oh, baby, I do not want you to feel this way.

And so I'm like, it's okay to try again.

It's okay to try again.

Let's do it again.

But, like, when.

When we're having emotional reactions.

I.

Last night was trying to get dinner done.

My mom was talking to us on FaceTime and, like, sharing some really important details.

Mike was chopping vegetables, and Daniel was just making mouth noises.

And I was like, oh, dear God, I'm a step away.

And stepped away.

I crouched down on the floor and I said, daniel, I'm feeling overwhelmed.

And when mommy gets overwhelmed, sometimes I yell.

And I really don't want to do that.

So I'm going to go step away for a little bit and talk to my mom so that I don't yell at others, because I'm feeling overwhelmed.

And so I did.

I went.

And then when I came back to the kitchen, because Mike was done making my mirepoix.

Yeah.

I.

What is a mirepoix?

Oh, girl, a mirror pot is so simple.

You.

It's.

Oh, is it?

I know what it is.

I know it is.

It's the base.

Yeah.

Okay.

It's the base.

Yeah.

I was like, mirror pois just sounds so fancy for a second.

So I can't do that.

Back in the kitchen, and Daniel looks and goes.

He said, mommy, you overwhelmed?

I said, no, baby, I'm okay now.

No.

And it was so.

But they can name their emotions.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He says, overwhelmed.

Now that's a new one.

But, like, he's.

He's four, right?

Frustrated.

No, he's three.

Three.

That's right.

I couldn't remember.

Yeah.

Banks is asking every day if I'm happy and if he sees me, like, stressed, rub my eyes.

You go, mommy happy.

I was like, mommy stressed.

And he'll be like, mommy happy.

I was like, mommy's happy and stressed.

And he can be like, okay.

Yeah.

He's like, okay.

So he's working.

I mean, but I.

That's a key.

Go ahead.

I will say like this.

So as, as we're going to talk about emotion coaching, I will say it's very much a.

You got to look at the long term.

Sometimes there are short, short term benefits where we are able to really connect and bring down the temperature.

And I have a really good example of that.

But it's really about that long term benefit.

Because emotional intelligence is a better predictor of success than iq.

Yeah, that was a fun fact.

I did not actually know that one yet.

But if we think about it, think about, you know, if you're able to actually regulate your emotions in school, you're gonna learn better.

You're better able to regulate your emotions and understand people.

You're going to be better, you're going to be better at connecting, you're going to be more successful socially if you're actually able to understand yourself.

The, the likelihood of anxiety and depression really decreases when you can understand what you're feeling.

And commun that on top of that, if you can communicate what you're feeling with your words, the behavioral impulse, the impulse to behaviorally express goes down if you have words.

It's so huge.

And I think that's what parents, I've had a lot of parents comment on Bank's ability to name emotions.

I'm like that's because that's one of the big things we've worked on.

Right.

Like because he's, he's got such big feelings.

We're trying to connect him for him as he gets older.

And you can do this at any age.

I think this is a key though for what we're talking about.

Emotional coaching is awareness.

Like they have to know what they're feeling to be able to express it.

Which that's coming up.

Yes.

So the secret, the secret sauce in there is that parents have to know what they're feeling inside in order to help their children name their.

What they're feeling.

Parents have to do their own work, people.

Yes.

You have to be able to attune to yourself.

You have to be able to tell what's going on within yourself and that can be hard work.

Especially if you have a trauma history where you just need to ride and neutral.

Because any level of emotionality went very bad.

Yeah.

So like it's, it's connecting with yourself in order to connect with your children.

And that can take a lot of work.

But.

Oh yeah.

So it's worth it though.

Yeah, it does predict a lot of.

And that's the hard part.

I think parents are, are thinking.

Right.

Because they're like, I'll do anything for my kid.

I have so many parents come in saying that.

And it's like, it really does start with you.

It really does start with your willingness to do this process and to model it too, especially for the younger kids, which was, yeah, again, my frustration.

So.

Right.

And.

And this can be at any age, which we can definitely talk about.

But I did want to say, like, yeah, you, you did ask earlier on, like, you know, one of the things that you had brought up to ask about was how did being a mom influence you towards this?

And I will say that Googling how to raise a child following neuroscientific development when you're about two months pregnant will make anybody feel overwhelmed.

And like that.

I don't think I knew you.

I think I just started meeting you when you were like, pregnant.

I'd probably be like, yeah, we don't do that.

Don't do that.

It's bad.

Don't do that.

I will say found some great books.

But like, that there's the pressure to do these skills is so much.

But I do think, like, when you had brought up emotional coaching, I was like, this is a bang for your buck skill as a parent.

If, like, people can try and get this one.

All the parenting books aside, this is a very useful technique to you.

Yes.

And the thing about parenting books is that while they're lovely and great and I love parenting, love and logic, it's like where my parenting journey really started.

I really like that they're all about empathy.

They're also really discussing a lot of disciplinary techniques.

And so the beautiful thing about emotional coaching with the gauments is that they're not talking.

They talk a little bit about disciplinary techniques, but they're talking about connection.

And so the, the disciplinary side of parenting is the hope of having just an obedient and compliant child.

I personally think that's unrealistic.

It's a pipe dream.

It is a pipe dream.

You can get there eventually.

It's not going to be, yeah, submission.

Yeah.

It's going to be, yeah.

No.

But my belief and really where I practice from, even clinically, where I parent from, is that children are not here to be controlled.

They are here to and guided.

And we're here to lift our children up.

Yes.

Our kids pop out of our womb with fully formed amygdalae, which is the plural of amygdala, in case you needed to know.

I actually did not know it makes sense.

I knew amygdala.

Not a word.

No, I was corrected I respect that.

Where did you get corrected that from?

In typing it.

Oh, okay.

Got me.

We got slapped a little bit.

Got it.

We did.

I did.

I got told I was wrong.

Which being the grammar professional that I am, was upsetting.

That's a good one to know.

Okay.

Yeah.

So yeah.

Is where our emotions originate.

So we are born with fully formed abilities to have feelings, but we don't have a fully formed prefrontal cortex, which is all the way up here.

That isn't done until you're 26.

And that is where logic and reason reside.

So we gotta start with kids where they are like, you gotta start with the feelings.

Yep.

And just to be clear, emotion coaching is not about letting your child do whatever they want because they feel like it.

No.

That's completely unreasonable.

And it's a really good way for our species to die.

Yes.

It's very inappropriate, like, Right.

Very inappropriate.

That's not what we're encouraging.

Trust me, my kid doesn't get to do whatever he wants.

No, no.

Our kids are not running around wild.

Nope.

Nope.

I mean, they run around wild.

Don't get me wrong.

No.

Out in nature, it's not.

Yeah.

I was like, no, it's different.

He wanted to for breakfast.

And that was shot down real fast.

Really?

Yeah.

I think this is such a good thing, though, because parents often are, like, so frustrated.

Like, if you think about my daughter, who is 1, and she is super, super spicy, this girl is so good at expressing her emotions, but has no idea why.

Right.

And I can't just sit there and reason with her.

Like, you're angry because your teeth hurt and that's okay.

Like, she doesn't get that.

She gets vibe.

She gets them.

Like, you know, she gets a sense of what I'm sensing.

Like, one day, I was so frustrated there and so done, and she just scratched my face.

And I was like, madison, you gotta take her.

And I walked away.

And she.

This girl immediate was start sobbing because she knew I was upset.

And I had to take like a minute or two and she was still sobbing.

And I come back and she could tell I was happier with it.

Right.

Because I, like, pulled it together.

And it came back.

I was like, mommy's not mad.

Mommy's okay now.

And she comes in my arms, she's like, right.

But it's.

It wasn't right, but it wasn't logical at all.

I couldn't sit there and be like, I got upset because you scratched and you recycle for the last hour.

Like, none of that makes sense.

To her, it's all about, like, I'm safe because mom feels safe, or I'm safe because she's back and her feelings are regulated or whatever it is.

And I think that's the awareness and the attunement that you're naming is like, they will sense what you sense, and they will.

Yes.

Go off of it.

So the really beautiful thing about emotion coaching is they are absolutely saying, like, you got.

You gotta have space for your kid.

And it's okay if you're frustrated or disappointed with your child, because guess what?

That's going to be a big deal learning experience for them.

I. Oh, one night we were having dino nuggets and tater tots for dinner because sometimes mommy just needs to use the air fryer.

And I'm phone.

Dino nuggets done?

Yep, we're done.

Good.

And they're great.

I like them, too.

Well, Daniel was hungry, but he was mad.

Like, he was hangry.

And he.

Does that come from you too, Gabby?

Yes, it does.

Yes, it does indeed.

And he comes over and he takes it his plate with ranch on it.

And.

And I was like, okay.

It's okay for me to let him know I'm mad so I can say, daniel, I am very upset with you right now because you threw your plate.

That was not okay.

And he was like, oh.

And I said, you need to sit down.

Sit down while I clean this up.

And he plopped his butt on the floor while I cleaned it up.

Yeah.

And that's.

And that's okay.

It's just emotion.

Yes, you are.

And name it.

Right.

Okay.

But you're naming it.

We are.

And then I came back and I was like, look, buddy, I know you're hungry.

I know you were mad.

I don't know what you were mad about, but it's not okay to throw food, and it's not okay to throw a plate.

You can tell me what you need.

And so.

So all of that sounds like Emotional Coach to me.

So break down the steps.

We have the five steps that you have for Emotional Coach because you just, like, perfect story for, like, every single step.

So the first step.

Ready attunement.

Yes.

So first of all, you gotta know what your kid is feeling.

You gotta.

You really do have to be aware of them and not trying to ignore them for your own peace of mind.

Like, you just gotta kind of have eyes and feelers out.

You gotta be able to pick up on, like, know what your child does when they feel hungry or angry or sad.

So just being aware, having that General awareness of your child's emotional state.

Yeah.

The second step of this is really an internal step.

You have to look at moments of emotion as an opportunity for connection and not as an inconvenience.

So you and I both agree there's no good or bad emotions.

They just are.

They're very much hardwired into us.

Yes.

They're information.

And so this can be really hard when you're a parent.

You can just be like, I don't want to deal with the anger right now.

Yeah, like me in the middle of Costco with everyone screaming at me.

Exactly.

It was really inconvenient, but at the same time, it was good information because I knew my child missed a snap.

I knew he was tired and he was hungry.

Yes.

So step number two is what I would call a cognitive reframe.

Like, if you do have a hard time with emotions.

For me, I got a hard time with anger, and I got a hard time with whining.

Okay.

So for me, it is the reframe inside my own self that emotions are an opportunity for connection.

This is an opportunity for connection and learning and teaching.

Okay, so what about.

What about people who.

I hear this a lot with my clients is they're scared.

They're fearful of those emotions.

So how would we reframe for fear?

Okay, so when you are afraid of big emotions, this really does come back to, like, things that have happened to you in your.

Your own life.

This is a piece where you might have to do a little bit of your own work.

From my perspective, if we.

If you know that your child is in front of you having a very big moment that you're acknowledging you're afraid of it, that is a moment for you to say, like, okay, I know I am afraid.

I'm gonna.

I'm gonna put this on the back burner for just a little while so I can put my child up front, because they're the ones that need more help right now.

And I'm going to take care of my child and be present, and then I'm going to come back to this fear, and I'm going to look at it and ask questions and try and process it, because absolutely, we do have fear around certain emotions.

Like, it's okay.

And that is totally fine.

You're just human.

If that's going on.

And sometimes your child is the priority, Sometimes you're the priority.

If you know that you're about to make a really poor decision and you're about to act out of pocket, that's when you say I need to take a minute and I will be back.

But I need.

I need a minute.

And I love that you just said.

I love that you said, like, sometimes it's more important that you take care of yourself.

Because I think parents forget that is sometimes your emotions are so triggered or so bad related to your history.

You are the priority instead of this other situation.

And I've had times where I don't listen to that and I try and plow through and it doesn't end well.

I end up throwing stuff down.

Animals at my son.

Yeah, it was interesting.

Yep.

I'm sure that was.

That was a moment.

Mike just standing there like, okay, oh.

No, girl, he was out of town.

I was about to see what daddy is out of town is hard.

And I have another really beautiful emotion coaching story about missing dad that I can share.

That I think is beautiful.

But so we also can talk about when emotion coaching is not the choice to make.

Because there are those moments.

Let's talk about that after the step.

So we said it's a two minute emotions.

What's the third one?

Labeling the emotion.

So being like, I can tell that you're mad.

You seem really sad.

It seems like you're frustrated.

It seems like you're disappointed.

It helps to connect with them and label what's happening for an understanding.

Like, especially if your kid's really little, this is going to be very simple words.

Happy, sad, mad, those types of things as they get older.

Or nuance.

So you're labeling the emotion as they get older.

It's more like, it seems like your.

Am I right?

Reflective meaning versus a reflect emotion versus naming it for the kid when they're little.

Yes.

So label the emotion with your words and then provide them.

The next step is providing empathy and validation.

So that validation is not agreement.

You're not saying it's okay that you kicked the door when you came in after school.

Acceptance versus agreement.

Correct.

It's saying like, okay, you are mad.

I get it.

You had a really bad day.

You were.

You felt really embarrassed when your teacher called you out in front of all your friends.

Like, that's really frustrating.

And you feel angry.

Yes, it's validation.

But like validation carefully done.

Like, you're not doing good behaviors.

And you can separate too.

When you talk about it.

Your emotion is totally valid.

Like, that makes sense.

You had a crappy day.

The behavior.

We're gonna talk about that in a second.

But the emotion.

The emotion is totally good, but the behavior choices from that.

And I think that's where when you get to an older kid, like, 8, 9, 10, where they can understand these things, you can really start to separate behavior.

I can even do it now.

It's just a little different verbiage.

Like, right, don't hit cis because we're a mad.

Right.

Like, we don't.

It's not okay.

But I can't be like your behavior.

You have to just kind of change it slightly.

One thing that parents can remember is that all the emotions in the world are okay.

Human beings can experience, like, 300 or more different feelings.

All of those are fine.

It is behavior that we're going to have an issue with, and that's how.

We respond to it.

We set limits and we engage in problem solving.

So as a parent, it is your responsibility to set limits.

This is how you end up with a child who doesn't throw a fork at grandma in a restaurant.

Restaurant.

Apparently that happened.

Oh, it's a really funny reel.

My husband sent me about the gentle parents and how gentle parent checking forks.

Yeah, that sounds like a mic video.

Yes.

Yes, it does.

But you are.

You're allowed to set limits.

You are the parent.

You have a.

That's your job.

That's actually your job is to guide.

And just like it is for anybody that runs a country and a government or runs any system.

Like, we are here to protect and to guard and to guide.

So I agree with that.

Which is the last step, actually, is limits and problem solving.

So.

Right.

So this is that piece where we separate the feelings and the behaviors.

That's where we use the.

It's okay to be mad, but it's not okay to kick the door.

Like, that's not cool.

That can really mess up the door.

So when you feel mad, the problem solving comes in.

What can you do?

And I will say right now to every parent listening, the problem solving is the place where you're gonna want to take charge.

Don't let them think.

Yes.

Because they're actually going to get their solutions.

Yes, yes, yes.

And when we find the solution within ourselves, we are so much more motivated to do it.

Yeah.

So much more motivated.

It's so true.

I love that.

It's interesting, though, because my son has now learned behaviors associated with immediate.

Like, he's two, right?

So he'll be like, go to timeout.

Now.

He knows immediately if he hits Koa, our dog.

If he hits Ray, immediate.

He just goes, go, time out.

I'm like, yes.

Yeah.

And then afterwards would be like, did you just need to, like, chill out?

Is that why you decided, like, he, like, elects himself in it.

So it's almost like this backwards.

He's problem solved.

But I can see, like, he didn't clue me in on the emotions.

So we're almost backwards going now for some of his problem solving.

And the thing is, like, kids are so different.

Kids vary so, so much.

Some kids are really going to know how to handle sadness, but not anger.

Some are going to know how to take deep breaths when they're anger and not know how to handle sadness.

I will say also, parents, out of the goodness of their heart, out of genuine love and care and affection for their children, try and shield them from more difficult emotions.

Emotions can be difficult without being bad, but parents want to shield them from them.

And I would just like to tell you that you do not have to do that.

It is okay for your.

Your child to feel sad or mad or disappointed.

Like, my.

My husband travels all the time.

Last summer, he was gone every other week for two months, and then he was gone for three.

And so at this point, Daniel wasn't three years old yet, and we had.

We had a rough evening.

Like, he was mad.

He didn't want to get changed.

He didn't want to change his clothes.

Like, we're going back and forth, and I'm like, like, you miss your daddy, don't you?

And he goes, yeah, I miss my daddy, Miss Dada.

And he is sitting on his little trampoline, and I'm like, it's okay to miss Daddy.

I miss Daddy, too.

And we just.

I just held him and he cried.

I just held him and he cried.

And I was like, you know what, buddy?

It is okay to miss Daddy.

I miss him, too.

It's hard when daddy travels, and it's just you and me.

And I'm really sorry for losing my temper.

I am so sorry that I yelled, because that doesn't help us feel better.

But I can hug you.

I can hug you and help you feel better.

And it was just a really beautiful moment for me simply because I felt better about catching it and being like, wait, the feelings detected came out.

And I was like, why are we so angry right now?

Oh, anger is sadness's bodyguard.

We feel very sad, and he misses his dad.

So we sat on a trampoline and hugged, and, like, I almost cried.

I would.

That's so sad.

And, oh, this is daddy, too.

I'm like, I miss him.

I'm with you.

I miss him.

And, you know, and.

And I was like, daddy's gonna be home soon.

We'll make sure that we Talk to Daddy tomorrow so that you get time to talk to him.

We'll talk to him tonight.

Is he out of the country, too, so you can even call him?

No, thankfully, he has not been out of the country, like, recently.

He's been just in different states.

So, like, we have to navigate time zones.

But Mike is really good about at least calling us at least once a day just to talk with Daniel.

Just to get that time.

Yeah.

And I will say Mike does this, too.

Mike is like.

He has sandpaper, and he's like, you know, does your tummy ever feel like this?

Sandpaper?

Like, it feels scratchy.

I think that means you're hungry.

And when your tummy feels scratchy, you get kind of angry and frustrated.

Like the man.

That was a good one.

Yeah, he is.

He's.

He's really good at it.

We have gotten to the point with Daniel, so we've gotten to the point where after, like, a big emotion happens, and sometimes we just don't catch it before it happens.

Mike goes, let's go have a chat.

And then they go.

And they sit down and they talk about it.

He.

Mike does like the labeling, the feelings, and like, it.

Hey, it's okay to feel that way, but it's not okay to this.

And Daniel knows what it means to have a chat.

Gabby, are you okay sharing what Mike does?

Because I think this is really interesting coming from a person.

Like, what?

He's.

In the military, in the Air Force, and he works with bombs, explosive ordinance disposal.

I just.

He's like, I adore that.

It's such a dichotomy.

You never hear military men, like, as the stereotype.

Right.

There's so many good ones that do this, but, like, you can do this as a military man.

You can be in tune with emotions.

You can be, like, soft and.

Absolutely.

And, like, you're so good with his kid.

So sweet.

To be able to regulate every emotion he experiences, to not mess up his job.

Yes.

Right.

And to use his instincts.

Like, think about that.

He's overridden his amygdala so much just to be able to like.

Which he's a fascinating case just to even think about because he's.

Oh, we love Mike.

I love him so much.

We love Mike so much.

He actually invited me to the shop for one of their, like, safety days, and I got to talk about catastrophizing.

And he used his own example of, like, he used to get really stressed and freak out and worry that he was, like, going to kill our kid.

When I went to the gym and just was away and he was like, look, you know, this is great.

This is a great tool in our job.

This is a great thing for us to do.

We got to think worst case scenario, most likely option and find somewhere in the middle and make sure everybody stays safe.

But we gotta be able to rein it in when we go home.

We gotta think about these things differently when we go home.

We can't catastrophize our relationships.

So he's a very emotionally intelligent man, even if he is callous and a butthead.

Yep.

I agree with all of that because I know Mike.

Like, this is the thing that I. I love that you have the example of Mike for a lot of our listeners because he is the perfect example of like day to day.

If you were to meet Mike.

No, no.

You would think he's a typical military guy that's just a butthead.

Like literally just like kind of a little.

Little stinker that just loves to poke the bear.

Like just shut up, Mike.

Push it.

He literally loves to push red buttons.

Literally.

That's his.

That's just his fun pastime.

Yeah, we adore him.

Also does that.

That.

Yeah, he inherited that.

But that's where I think this is cool is this skill is such.

Such a logical skill, but such an easy skill to apply if you just give it time to practice it.

But it also works for a lot of different personalities.

And that's what I really like about this skill.

Yes.

So the, the really cool thing about emotion coaching is that you can use it in every relationship that you have.

Have, like maybe not like the setting limits thing.

Unless you actually know that.

I mean, actually you can.

Because like, if they can.

Yeah, it's a boundary.

Yeah, yeah.

And you can problem solve if they cross your boundaries.

Like, I've seen you guys, you can.

Use it in every relationship that you have.

You can use it with your spouse, you can use it with your best friend.

You can use it with your co workers.

Like, this is not a thing that's just for kids.

And it doesn't.

There's not condescension in this.

And I think that's an important piece of this is to remember that we're not condescending to our kids when we're talking about the emotions with them.

It's like, oh, you're saying sad.

No, we're not doing that.

We're being very genuine and listening to them and hearing what they have to say because they're humans too.

And that's basic human decency.

I agree.

I think it makes us more peers.

Like, when I'm talking to my son, my mom's always like, you talk to him like an adult, and it's great.

Like, and I do.

I'm like, oh, we're sad.

Okay.

That's okay.

Like, why are you sad?

Like, blah, blah.

We're talking.

Like, I talk to you.

Like, oh, yeah, that's got to be hard.

Or you got to be, like, really upset about.

We're not doing baby talk.

Like, we're not.

No, it's.

Yeah.

No, we're big kids, and we're trying to teach them to be big kids.

Yeah.

And we're not mocking them.

We're not making fun of them.

We're not acting as if, like, we're up higher than them, like, in the hierarchy in our home.

Yes, we are.

But that doesn't mean that you're not allowed to have emotions.

You're still valid.

Yes.

I think this is a very, like, parenting style that is showing your very valid piece of our home.

You add to our home.

Your emotions matter.

You matter in your position.

Yes.

And that's what I really like about this one.

So.

Okay, when is this not appropriate to use?

Oh, because it is.

There are times.

Yeah.

Okay.

So there are definitely times when it is not the time for this.

First of all, timing really matters if you have an audience.

This is not the time if you have other people watching you, even if it's just family.

No, you need privacy because your child deserves to have privacy to process emotions.

You don't do this in front of groups of people.

I also think it makes it, like, where they can be vulnerable and realize that that's not meant to be a public thing.

Because, you know those kids that don't have the social skills to understand.

Like, I don't just blurt everything out.

Like, privacy is good.

It's training that, like, honor the emotions and protect them.

You don't always have to share them with everybody.

Yes.

The.

The one that I really should have put first is when there's a legitimate safety concern.

Yeah.

You are responsible for their safety.

Safety and well being.

And that is not put aside to a motion coach.

Like, if you got to go and snatch them off the slide before they fly off of it and they mad about it, that's fine.

Yeah.

If you got to stop them from hitting a sibling and they're mad about it, that's fine.

Yeah.

Well, there's been times, like, or Banks is chasing co with a stick, and I'm like, I don't.

You can be mad all you want.

Like, you don't get to smack your brother with a stick, you know, like, that's right.

You don't get a whack the dog.

Yeah.

I think it's a brother.

Right.

The other thing is, like, while it's.

It's.

Yes.

When they're other.

When there's other people around, as far as timing matters, you also have to think about.

This is a process.

This does take time.

Especially for the older kids.

When you were really delving into this, you need time to talk, you need time to process.

Like, this is not a lickety split, get it done fast type of thing.

Sometimes it is, and that's great.

But that's not the usual, like, with genuine amount emotion.

Coaching, it takes time.

So if you're pressed for time, be like, hey, I care that you're.

You're feeling this right now.

I'm sorry, we can't talk about it right now, but I will absolutely talk to you about this later and make a commitment to come back to it.

That's okay.

They call it putting a pin in it.

At least when I was in grad school, they just like, just pin it, you know?

And I was like, oh, yeah.

Like, just.

So you're just pinning it with your kid there.

Yes.

Also, which little kids do understand that too.

If you need to come back, like, my son does understand, I'll be like, I know you have feelings.

Let's come back.

Yeah.

We used to do story of the day every day before bed.

And that was our time to talk about Paul.

That was our time to talk about feelings.

And now.

Now we do it throughout the day.

We don't have to do story of the day anymore.

But that was our time.

That was our dedicated time to talk about feelings and review them.

Did you ever hear too, like, oh, my goodness, I forgot I had read this thing a long time ago.

So we try to do it, but when we go to bed at night, we just talk about our day of, like, what did you experience today?

And that's.

Was it kind of like what you're saying, like, your story was your day?

Yeah, our story of the day was I, like, I walked us through the whole day, and I was like, this happened, this happened, this happened.

You felt this and then you did this.

And we had.

And like, there was a time when we were.

We.

We would go back and forth about it, but we've just gotten to a point where we integrated into our day.

That story of the day isn't necessarily important anymore.

We're able to do it throughout the day.

Also, don't do this when you don't have it in you.

Like if you know you ain't got the patience, the time.

If you know you have no empathy, don't try.

Come back when you have the empathy.

Let them know you're going to come back, but come back when you have the empathy.

Lastly, when there are very real behaviors to be addressed, this should be.

This would be when more than limit setting is needed.

So like when the behavior goes against your family's moral code, you know, you're the parent, you're allowed to express anger and disappointment, like I said, in an appropriate manner.

Manner.

But like if there's skipping school, lying, hurting others on purpose, vaping, etc, coaching.

In that moment, drug dealing.

Right.

You are disciplining in that moment.

You coming back to the feelings later.

Like you got to deal with what is very much right there.

Yeah.

So those are the times when it's not necessarily appropriate.

The other thing I really want to say is like, look, the Gottman say that 40% of the time is the goal.

You just got to emotion coach 40% of the time.

And that's great.

You're going to have a great.

Your kid will turn out good.

It's okay.

That's deterministic.

I can't say that.

But hopefully your child benefit from just 40% of the time doing this.

Yeah.

I think that we all have unrealistic expectations that we think we're gonna do it perfectly.

Like Gabby and I are both therapists.

We do not.

We have told you we have lost it.

We have like walked away.

We have, you know, like we're human too, but we definitely have noticed like our kids are more emotionally regulated just trying to do it sometimes.

Yeah.

Yeah, I have definitely noticed that with Daniel and I have noticed that.

I've tried doing this in front of others and it didn't work.

It does not land.

No, it looks like it works a little bit.

And then we're in the car and he's screaming on the way home.

So also for me, I can't emotion coach in the car, man.

Like, I can't.

I cannot do it.

Like, there's no looking at each other.

Like I can't do it in the car.

It's so true though.

But I think that's where it's just like, know your zones.

Like, I know when it's late at night.

Like I am not the parent to motion coach.

And I think that's another reminder just in this thing.

If you don't have the space Sometimes swap out with your partner if you have that luxury.

If you don't, that's okay.

Tap out.

Tap out is great.

Like, that's why we have partners.

Let's teach your partner's concept, too.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Okay, so just go ahead.

One thing I wanted to say is that there are some different expectations for ages, and I can go over that super briefly.

Yeah, one second.

I have to find it in my notes.

I apologize for keeping you waiting.

Oh, you're good.

And it's somewhere in here, I promise.

Okay.

I just look like a crazy person.

Don't mind me.

Okay.