When you and your partner parent differently — which we promise is basically inevitable — we get real about why it happens and hand you six actually useful tools to survive and thrive. I’m Taylor and I’m Mattson, and we trade war stories (like Banks eyeing castle ramparts in Sintra and my fantasy-football distracted bench moment at the farmers’ market) to show how personality, upbringing, and plain old nerves shape parenting choices. We walk through practical stuff: the private-sideline rule (no public takedowns), a 24-hour debrief to process heated moments, picking true non-negotiables, reframing “undermining” as different-but-valid approaches, modeling repair in front of the kids, and knowing when to bring in outside help. Along the way we talk about real tensions — travel enthusiasm vs. cautious comfort, toy-buying differences, and the mama-guilt around taking time for yourself — and how small rituals and clear communication keep us on the same team. Expect a blend of warmth, real-life troubleshooting, and a few sarcastic jabs (mostly from me, Mattson), plus a reminder that mismatched styles can actually be a superpower if you learn to combine them. We keep it messy, human, and fixable — and if nothing else, you’ll leave with at least one thing to try tonight.

Takeaways:

• We argue that travel literally builds kids' neuroplasticity and curiosity — I want their bodies and brains to remember, even if their tiny memories blur later.
• I confess I'm more laid‑back in public while Matson is on vigilant duty, so we agreed to private sideline rules to avoid public undermining and drama.
• We actually use a toolbox: private sideline conversations, 24‑hour debriefs, pick your non‑negotiables, reframe differences, repair visibly for kids, and ask for help when needed.
• I buy too many toys and Matson rolls his eyes — we negotiate budgets, celebrate small moments, and sometimes let a silly toilet toy slide.
• We model repair in front of the kids deliberately: apologize, reconnect, and show them conflict's closure so they learn emotional regulation rather than secret shutdowns.
• I argue passionately that guilt about self‑care is counterproductive — I need rest to be a patient parent, and Matson's permission helps me reclaim little pockets of sanity.
• We recommend picking clear non‑negotiables like respect for self, others, and environment — those guardrails make different parenting styles playable teammates instead of opponents.
• When conflicts repeat, cause division, or erode trust, I say bring in outside help; therapy is team training, not a loss, and it actually saves relationships.

Foreign.

Hello, friends.

I'm Taylor and today we are joined by my wonderful husband, Mattson Heiner.

I'm filling in for the other scissor.

So I'm Matson.

Good to be here.

It's been a long time.

I think it's since I've been on a podcast, but I'm here.

We thought it'd be fun today to do an actual partner.

So the subject we're going to do today is when you and your partner parent different.

And we thought it'd be fun to actually do a partnership.

So Brittany suggested it and I was like, oh, that's a good idea.

So.

But before we jump into it, Taylor never talks about anything else.

Follow us on social media.

Taylor Hiner, Therapist Doing a lot of cool things.

A lot of polls, a lot of stories about therapy life and mommy therapy life and a lot of good relevant things that you can download.

A lot of free things.

One pagers PDFs that tastes giving out.

Just come check us out there as well and give us a follow.

But we really appreciate you listening to this podcast as we continue to try to push things forward.

I do a lot of behind the scenes, so I appreciate you guys listening.

And yeah, we just have to be here.

So now I don't do announcements because they take a long time.

They don't.

That was like 20 seconds.

That was 20 seconds of I zoned out.

Oh, my gosh.

Rough, rough people.

So today we're talking about when you and your partner parent different.

And this is an unavoidable scenario in any couple, no matter how.

I feel like we're fairly aligned in parenting concepts usually, like overall similar expectations.

Like we don't have a drastically different take on things, but we still approach things very different.

So my, we were talking about like before we were recording today, some of our examples we had of different times and different things we've done.

And Matson came up with a really good one.

What was the scenario we came up with?

Well, when we were traveling to Spain and Portugal last year.

Well, I mean, I think even before that story, for those who may or may not know, like our children, Banks has been to Spain and Portugal and Canada and then we're gonna go to Germany and Austria here in a couple of months.

But I have to be honest, like, I want my kids to travel, but I certainly more selfish and would love to travel with Tay.

But Tay wants our kids to to see the world and explore.

I think you should tell them about that because I'm not against traveling.

But like, I don't think I'd be the first to raise my hand back.

Oh, yeah, let's go international.

Let's do a super long flight.

We go to Hawaii a lot.

It's a pretty long flight.

But, like, these are super long flights.

Like, having your kids, like.

And they were.

Banks was.

He was almost.

No, he was one and a half.

Yeah.

He was close to.

Andrew was five.

Yeah.

And Ray was like five months.

And like, I was going through.

We didn't know she had celiacs.

And it was crazy.

But you should probably talk about.

Because that backs everything up.

Like, that's a huge difference between you and I in terms of, like, wanting to press for that.

I just firmly believe that what we expose our children to and how we show them the world will help unlock so many things for our kids.

So everyone always first response to me is, your kid isn't gonna remember it.

And I'm like, I don't need my kid to remember.

I need their bodies to remember.

I need their brain to remember.

I need them to realize that there is more to their world than just what they have in their backyard and their own culture that they're exposed to every day.

And I think travel creates so many connections and so much understanding of the world.

Our children have a vast vocabulary.

And I don't think it's just like watching our son come back from Spain and Portugal.

He was so articulate compared to most other one and a half year olds.

He was able to identify trains and like, he was able to get on.

Off an airplane.

Like he had so many trains.

No, but see, this is where people love to fight it.

But, like, if you see his, like, neuroplasticity and his ability to adapt and understand the world.

Like, our kids don't really care about different races.

They, like, are very open.

Like, they don't recognize.

Does that make sense?

They don't recognize.

For our listeners that are wondering.

Neuroplasticity.

We've all heard it Tay, but Taylor used big words.

I actually don't.

I don't use them a lot in this.

People use them with me.

No, I just.

It means flexibility in how you think and ability to adapt or change our.

Our thought processes and our ability intake information.

So we have these things in our head called schemas, which I've talked about before on previous ones of how we group information.

And if you have a more exposure as a young child to different experiences, you're going to have more adaptability, resilience, and ability to, like, intake new things into your brain filing system and you're not as stuck on things are rigid.

And I think that's the part that I love about travel for my children is I can see my kids are developing all the skills that they want.

They're experiencing the world, but they will also have a love and an understanding how to do this.

And they know how to do this.

Like I don't have to teach my kids at like 7 or 8 or 9 how to get on a plane.

Our kids know what they're doing.

Yeah.

But for those that aren't maybe able to do international, like how, how can.

People, I mean just do that going around and taking them out in your like own backyard.

Like it can be even like little towns in your state that you're going to see or little things.

Like we are very privileged because we get to actually take them on international trips, which I say all the time.

Like it's a, it's a gift that we get to give our kids that I have prioritized and value and we put a lot of resources there.

Other people cannot do that.

So do the best you can and just keep showing them the world around you instead of just within your own little small community.

I think we're tan line do align on that is like maybe I wouldn't take them everywhere international.

Rather just go with Tay but were doing a lot last year with Ray not knowing she had celiacs and now things are a lot better.

We're gonna go on a very one day trip to a friend's wedding here shortly and they will be on a plane for the first time without babies and over three years, so.

Well that's not true.

It's almost two years.

Almost two years because we did the baby moon.

But I, I do align in the fact that taking your kids to do everything that you do just really opens up well and while you're doing it with them, talking to them about it.

And that's where I've really seen things explode with Banks is we just experience it with him and talk about it and get excited and it just really is fun to see the light bulbs go off.

So why I'm not the biggest fan of.

Because the dark side of it is like there have been times when we've traveled where it's certainly not easy.

Like yeah, but like travel by yourself isn't easy.

Like now it is.

Now it is compared to something.

Being on a plane by myself is like a vacation.

But it's still the TV and the little way snack.

Like it's great.

No kids.

Oh, everyone's quiet.

Like, either way, traveling is still a difficult experience.

Either way, it takes effort.

It takes a commitment, too.

So in my head, I'm like, I might as well do it when there's a bigger bang for my buck and my children get.

Experience it with me.

So all that to say we were in Portugal and remember we were in which town in Portugal?

I don't.

We were going to the.

The castle.

The color castle.

I forgot the name.

It was, like, our favorite city.

It.

It was.

Keep talking, don't drive me crazy.

But there's this palace up there.

And so we toured the palace.

And towards the end of the tour, all during that tour, Banksy's trying to, like, run underneath the ropings and, like, touch all this antique.

It was Sentra in Sentra Cross.

Great place.

If you're ever wanting to go somewhere beautiful.

Centro de is beautiful.

Is that what it was called?

Yeah.

So Banks is kind of being crazy, but we were there towards the end.

You end this tour at the top on kind of the ramparts that looks out, this forest area.

Really beautiful, big view.

And I wanted to go look out, and Banks was with me.

And, like, these castle ramparts where, you know, they're kind of blocky, and they come up, and then there's a space that you can look out another one.

And, like, you see in traditional castles, I had let Banks, like, stand there with me and kind of look out.

I was holding him, but take him.

Was, like, really concerned.

Like, why are you doing that?

Like, I don't.

I don't remember exactly what she said, but she was not so comfortable.

Okay.

Another mother reached out to stop our son from going through the slats, too, though.

So it wasn't just me as a mother.

It was multiple.

Like, there was two or three other women, and one mother actually reached out.

There was one mother that reached out, and there was two or three other women staring like, oh, my goodness.

So it wasn't just me.

I'm not crazy on this one, but, like, this is where we tend to differ on the sense of.

I. I don't mind our children exploring and taking some risks, but I'm very calculated on what the risks are, and you are much more willing to do some scary.

But I was holding him, and he wanted to look out, and it was a fun experience that we got to share.

Wasn't anything big, but Tay and I definitely miss the line on a little bit of that.

But the.

The other side of it is, like, just even, like, a week ago, we go to this farmer's market A lot.

And I love taking our kids to playgrounds and things.

I'm usually very present with them.

But at this farmer's market, I was sitting on this bench and Banks was in this open field with a lot of kids, a lot of parents and things.

But I decided to look at my phone.

It's fantasy football season, so I was a little distracted and I was like looking down for like 20 or 30 seconds.

And I saw her father in law was like, kind of looking for Banks.

And I looked up, was like, oh, man, I don't exactly know where he is.

And I got like a slight sinking feeling.

I looked to my right and I found him quickly.

He was fine.

But Tay also saw that I didn't exactly know where she was, where he was.

And I got an earful, rightfully so.

And I am definitely a little bit more trusting in public places.

And that's something that we greatly differ on at times, where I could certainly be a little bit more worried about the, like, the extreme things of, like, someone getting abducted or those things.

And I don't.

I know those things can happen, but I. I guess I don't live life thinking that it's going to happen to me.

But that's also not like the perfect way to.

To live life.

I also think that's.

That's a difference between men and women, because I think a lot of women would align with me if we've been taught our whole lives to be on guard and like, watch where we're going and watch what we're doing in the parking lot.

And.

And I feel like, you know, if you're gendered like AFAB or M and stuff, like, you're.

You're gonna definitely have more guarding.

And that's just the reality of it.

But on top of it, like, I listen to true crime stuff and I'm like, it can happen.

Yeah.

We had the band T. Real true crime stuff, because she started having, like,.

Nightmares of it's when I had kids, guys stuff.

And I was like, we're done.

We're not doing this.

But.

But at the same time, like, I think for the majority of the time, it's not that either of us are wrong.

We are just programmed differently.

And I think that in and of itself, everybody has to realize going into marriage.

And like, I think when we were dating and as we've been parenting, we have talked a lot about, like, you're going to do it one way, I'm going to do it the other.

And we've tried to see for the majority of the time, except for that one time where I'm like, you can see my kid worth crap.

Is my kid like, you know, in the park that you got an earful.

But overall, I think we see like, you're gonna approach things slightly different.

I'm gonna approach things slightly different.

How do we compromise as a team or how do we just see and repair that when it happens?

And it's not so much that we have to be on the same page.

It's about being able to see the divide that comes from that pattern of happening and then how we can like repair it.

And I think when it causes damage for parents is when there's unrepaired stuff.

So you get mad at each other.

You hold it on.

Yeah.

I think one more ones we struggle with in our home is Tay definitely likes to buy our kids like toys fairly often or at least certainly more than than I want and think we need.

Like, we have a lot of toys in this house, probably more than I'm comfortable with.

At times that we've headed we've come to much more of a green something we've talked about where.

Where like even like Christmas time, like the amount of gifts that we give our kids and.

And things and figuring out like what works for our family system.

And it's not that I get exactly what I want or what Tay wants, but having a happy medium.

I think it comes down to a lot of communication where there is like a one way, my way or the highway or her way or the highway.

Like have to be able to talk about things.

And that doesn't always mean it's perfect.

There have been times where taste come home from Target Target for those of you that don't know and gotten them a couple things.

And I've in my mind I'm like, what really, like, do we need another toilet?

We have so many toys.

Like, why like.

But it also costed nothing and it could have been a special moment and she wanted to do that.

And that's something I need to get over as a partner.

But at the same time, like, we talk about the big purchases and what we really want to get them and align on that and make sure we kind of have a budget and that makes me feel a little bit more comfortable.

So we're not just being willy nilly and that's how we kind of work on something like that too.

Where it's not perfect.

Yeah.

So I think it's a lot of like figuring out what the differences are and how you can repair it when it happens.

And that's where people get really stuck sometimes understanding, though, why the differences are there.

And this is just in general, like, if you look at our lives, we actually align up a lot more than, I think, other couples for how we were raised.

We were raised similar, like religion, socioeconomic status, education.

We had same goals, and then we also had like, a similar education coming out of school.

So, like, we, we've, we've aligned on most things where couples usually are very different.

So that's usually where we say, I mean, look at the resources you had, the, the family system that you were raised in.

So, like, did it look like a single mom or single dad or did it look like a nucleus family?

You know, all of those things add to how you view life and how you're going to problem solve, but also how you're then going to view your view, your family system.

And I think people forget a lot about that.

So when you're picking a partner, that's something to consider, but also afterwards, it's something to take into account of, oh, they probably learned this skill this way or did it this way.

And I feel like overall we had a similar one, so that's why we aligned.

Yeah, but what do you tell your therapy clients when.

Because until you have a kid or you first have a dog and then have a kid, that's something that helped us, is you had coa and I learned, like, how I look and treat him versus you do and what it would be like to have kids.

What about for couples, new couples that are having kids or even when they've had kids for 10 years and they're still struggling on, he does this versus I do this, or he's firmer and I'm softer with the kids or vice versa or like, what do you tell people?

Because a lot of our listeners probably.

Are kids for that to help problem solve.

But I think it's.

That's a bigger question, like you're asking overall about a couple's ability to communicate and then to have the ability to, like, it all goes into play that that question was a little bit bigger.

It's a little bit bigger.

Sorry, I'm just.

Don't you think it was a bigger question?

Yeah, but that.

You break it down a little bit.

Like, what would you tell people?

So what's your question specifically again?

But if you had a, like a mom or a dad or a couple came in together separately and they were wanting to work on how they parent their children or they have different value systems or things, and it's not aligning up and they're having some frustrations around that.

I mean, usually we go with first, what is the.

What are the main rules that we're going to reinforce?

Or the themes of the rules.

Getting every nitpicky thing down is impossible because kids or dogs are going to come up with a million things that you can't guess.

But getting, like, a generalization of the theme of rules.

So usually it goes down to, like, respect for self, respect for environment, respect for others, you know?

No, like, physical harm to others.

No, like, stuff like that.

Respect for self, environment, others.

What do you mean?

That means, like, you can't hurt yourself.

You can't handle others.

You can't go and break stuff in our house.

You can't go and, like, punch people you can't hurt, like, bang your head against a wall.

So all that.

All that would be, like, things that we would correct as a parent.

Okay, that.

So then usually we'll put examples underneath each of those themes.

But I. I try to keep it like a theme so they can shove whatever they need to in there for the rules overall.

But you and I generally align with, like, this is acceptable behavior.

This is unacceptable behavior.

And then I remember one time we were in a restaurant, and I was like, matt's in afterwards.

Are we aligned on our expectations for eating out?

And we had, like, a conversation, because I assumed that before going in, and then after, I was like, we are not.

Like, I was reinforcing all this stuff.

You were not reinforcing anything.

And then I was like, are we aligned?

And we had that conversation.

Yeah, I. Tay, was just in more of the.

The enforcer mode at that point.

I was back with my brother and a friend and more ingrained in that, and I knew that she was handling it, so I was like, oh, she's got it.

But Tay wanted me to back her up more, and I wasn't as present to do that.

And I think that's the times where we see our other partner doing the thing that we want them to do.

And, like, oh, they got it.

But that doesn't always mean that they feel supported when they're.

They're doing that thing.

Or then the partner starts questioning if they are, like, if it is in alignment.

Because you're seeing your partner step back with people that they're safe with and that you're like, well, maybe they don't agree with our expectations.

Maybe I am off, you know?

So, like, having those clear conversations can really help.

But for.

We had kind of like a practical toolkit that we can Take from.

If you're having a hard time with.

This tools, it's going to be on social media.

We can make it.

We're probably making a one page pager.

Probably make a one shameless plug again.

If you're not following us on social.

Media, man, you are a plugger.

Why not?

So not me.

We put it.

We put in the work people.

It's for you.

This is a funny difference.

Okay, so there's about six of them on here.

The first one is a private sideline rule.

So what?

It's called a private sideline rule.

Therapists just be making stuff up.

I don't know what this is.

What about football?

This sounds like a football thing.

Private sideline, sideline rule does sound like.

Football, but sideline rule does.

How many rules are there in there, like, where you're like, what the crap is that?

I mean, it's been established for many years.

I mean, I don't know.

I feel like football pulls the crap out of.

Anyways, private sideline.

So this rule is talking about disagreements about parenting call get addressed privately, not in front of the kid in the moment.

So, like, I didn't go in the moment and be like, Matson, you shouldn't, like, I don't even know which.

Which example we want to use.

But like the restaurant.

I didn't go in front of your brother and be like, you aren't disciplining right now.

You need to be disciplining right now too.

I didn't like, come and attack you.

I did that in the car later.

In front of other people or in front of the kids.

Like you want to.

You want your kids and people see you as a cohesive unit.

So it's.

What is that phrase?

It's always like, you don't want to like, undermine your partner.

Praise in public, critique in private or something like that.

Something like that, yeah.

So.

Or even like, I waited till my parents were gone and then I talked to you about being in the park because I didn't want to like, cream you in front of my parents.

And I specifically waited for that.

So it's a lot of let's talk about this in a minute.

Or like, let's go to the side.

Or like, I used to work in a team on treatment centers and we would say like, hey, can I talk to you for a minute?

Like, while we were disciplining the kids, because sometimes one of your staff wouldn't agree with you and they'd want to like, talk together.

And that worked really well too.

So we haven't had to do that yet because we have little kids.

But we'll probably have to eventually be like, hey, maybe pause for a second.

Let's get to the consequences in a minute and we'll talk about this together.

Yeah, hey, maybe appreciate that.

Say something super quick.

Let's say let's chat about it later.

But I think that's fine.

Yeah.

So that's the private silent rule.

It's, it's honestly, just take it to the side.

Don't be like, no, your dad is stupid in front of your part, you know, your kid or something like that.

A 24 hour deep brief.

So like this is a check in even 10 minutes after of like how hard a parenting moment was specifically.

And then can we talk through it?

So it's like, hey, do you want, can we talk through how we want to handle bedtime pushback next time?

Or like, do you want to talk how we can handle this better?

It's kind of like a reassessment and talking about how you can handle it and approach it in a better way.

Questions on that?

No, I think debrief is smart when you make big changes.

Like, you want to see did we like that?

Like, do we need to change something?

Do we need to tweak it up?

Especially when you think of, about bend times with kids or schedule changes or like getting them to do a new sport or music or they're struggling with a certain class at school and the help that they need.

Like, just because you make decisions doesn't mean you shouldn't like talk about and see if it's still the right thing or you need to change things up or maybe you felt differently after a day or a couple days, whatever it may be.

Yeah.

And I want to note, like all of these skills are with a willing cohesive partnership that we know we make mistakes, but we're trying versus you may be in a parenting situation that's a lot more difficult.

So those are different skills that I would encourage you to seek therapy for if you're having a hard time with a partnership or parallel party parenting or co parenting.

Like, that is a different realm that you probably need individualized stuff for versus more of the generalized, like us, we don't always agree, but we're trying kind of thing.

Pick your non negotiables.

So Matson, what are my dies?

Like, you know, I have hills I will die on for our children.

Like, what are my top two or three?

They definitely need to be respectful.

So they need to not make demands or whine about.

Like, then you Say please.

They.

I don't.

That's something that comes to mind.

Washing their hands in the bathroom.

Isn't that nice?

I don't know.

I'm trying to think of the other one.

Definitely the first one comes to mind.

For sure.

Yeah.

I want our children to always be respectful to everybody around them as well as themselves.

I think for you it's a lot of having the ability to explore and see the world but not be entitled kids.

Yeah.

You like them to have flexibility but also some rigidity in there.

I sure like them to have some more patience sometimes.

But that's.

That's tough.

I guess that's 1, 2, 3.

I can see that.

I could see that.

So every couple is going to come up with a non negotiable.

It's going to be literally like you have to kind of know what they are too.

Matt's a new coming in.

My non negotiables probably were.

I want my kids to travel.

I want my kids to be respectful, kind humans that are loving towards others.

And those have been some really big ones that he's always seeing me reinforce.

I don't think I ever backed down from those ones.

Did you have them coming in?

Did I have any coming in?

I just wanted my kids to be able to do things and not have a lot of limitations and just find out who they are.

I don't.

I don't think.

I mean, I'll be honest, I didn't really think about this when I was originally having kids.

I just had a lot of older siblings that did and saw a lot of different parenting styles to those that were more laissez faire, to those that were probably too by the book in terms of rules, to those that were somewhat in the middle, to those that were a little hovery helicoptery.

And everyone's got their own style.

And everyone's own style can work.

I think the best parents I've seen try to audit themselves and take a step back and say what?

What's working?

What's not working for us?

But a lot of these different styles can work.

I just think you have to check yourself on if you're getting too extreme in those areas because being a laissez faire parent has a lot of advantages.

Your kids get to do a lot, see a lot, make a lot of decisions.

But then there's also not enough rigidity in terms of some rule following.

That can come out on entitlement on sports scenes or school.

But the opposite can be set on something that's too rule followy.

Then they get paralysis by analysis when there's more ambiguity and confidence in themselves if things aren't going.

All these things, things that I've seen a lot with other parenting styles and again, kids can be successful and families can be successful in those environments.

But I think you just have to have those.

Not just that 24 hour rule, but try and check in as, as parents and think about your family and kids on what's working for your system and not.

That was a long winded one.

Okay.

The fourth one is the difference and the different is undermining.

So it's, it's a reframe of it.

So couples can use each other when one parent's approach differs, but it isn't wrong.

So it's like, that's not necessarily how I would do it, but it's okay.

So like I use that example all the time of like the Halloween decorations.

We were in Lowe's a couple weeks ago, me and the kids.

And because of this sweet man's ability to make our kids open to the world, my kids were totally fine walking past like Lowe's and Home Depot have the creepiest decorations.

I think like, they're like Chucky dolls and like just like the morbid creepy ones with like bloody gory for Halloween.

And Mattin is like been so good at just showing our kids curiosity and just being like, it's just a decoration.

It doesn't have to mean anything.

It doesn't have to make you feel icky.

It doesn't like, it's just an object.

And they both were just like happy walking through the aisle.

They wanted to looking at everything and like talking about it.

And I, I am not naturally that way.

I think I would have shielded my children naturally from that.

And like, nope, we don't need to look at it.

We just need to avoid this aisle and move on because I think it's so gross.

But he has been like, no, it's been an empowering one.

So it's not, it's not necessarily how I would do it, but it's actually better, I think in this scenario than how I would do it.

And I think a lot of times that's been how I'm looking at some of the stuff Matson does is like not necessarily how I would have accomplished that.

But it still got the job done.

That's fine.

I'm pretty great.

Okay, So it's a reframe trying to look at your, your partner's perspective and seeing why they do what they do.

And is it still serving or is it still fulfilling the role.

And it doesn't always have to look the exact same way that you would do it.

Repair in front of the kids when appropriate.

So, like, there are times we bicker back and forth and I purposely try and make sure our kids see, like, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been snappy at you, or I'm sorry, like, I. I see what you're trying to do.

So that kids see it's not about hiding the argument.

It's about hiding the repair that causes the damage to children.

All the studies show it's not about fighting.

It's that kids aren't seeing the cycle completed.

And if you're not completing that cycle and you're not repairing, then you're not showing them what a real relationship is.

Like, everybody's going to disagree.

Everyone's going to argue in a relationship, no matter if you're friends or whatever it's all about, do you have the skills to go back then and say, I recognize this part, or I want to repair this part.

Even if we can't make an agreement, I want to try.

And it's like your kids, you crash out.

You know, just want them to see the crash out and not the I'm sorry and the makeup.

Because if your kids are crashing out, whether it's for themselves or with another kid or whatever it is, you want them to realize, oh, this is when I, when I am feeling better and need to say sorry, I need to do this differently and, like, have it modeled for them because I'm not, then they don't have anyone to mimic on that behavior.

Yeah, you're literally modeling the skill sets that you want them to have.

So it's not bad.

They see you disagree so long as you show them also the repair side, which is good.

And the last one is when to go out for outside help.

And this is when, like, this is, this is a flag of, like, this disagreement repeats over and over again.

There's no healing.

There's like a pattern in our relationship.

It's causing a huge divide.

This is something we aren't willing to compromise on.

So, like, if Madsen and I didn't agree on how we.

I don't know how the, the probably the respect thing would honestly wear us down over time.

Like, if you didn't agree with me that our children need to be kind and respectful people in public and you weren't willing to go and reinforce that, that would probably wear us and then eventually probably need outside help to figure out how to solve those solutions.

Or like, how he could meet those expectations and how I could also meet what he's willing to do.

But sometimes you're not able to do that together.

So you need therapists.

Yeah, I mean, that's what they're for.

That's why people like you exist for.

Yeah, stuff like that.

Yep.

I think the.

The first, like, ones that I feel like we use.

I use a lot, at least with you, is we definitely do a lot of, like, reframing.

I'm like, how's maths?

And dustings?

Is not bad.

And then a lot of the, like, 24 hour debriefs are the private sidelines where we try and tell each other what we think are what we need.

So not a bad thing, but definitely it takes a lot of work for parenting.

I think the hardest part of parenting.

What's been the hardest part for you, Love?

What are you looking at the hardest part about parenting?

I think a phrase I always tell Taylor is, we're on the same team.

And that's advice that I always tell her.

But even I sometimes forget that we're like, our children are fun and beautiful and curious, but they're also crazy and impatient and whiny and needy at times.

And that can make you turn on your partner because you feel like it's you against the children, but then it also feels like you against your partner because when you get tired, like, things pile up in the home in terms of, like the dishes or just cleaning the house or you got to do this or do that, or you start to feel like roommates and.

And so you start to.

You can't really blame your kids.

Their kids or ours are three and almost two.

So you start to have amnesty against your partner, or you start to have intentions where they're trying to do something.

You think, oh, like your best interest isn't thinking that they're on your side and they're with you.

You've got your head kind of screwed on differently.

And so I think I always just try to remind myself that, hey, maybe I'm a little bit more tired today or I'm just feeling less patient or I'm a little bit frustrated.

And I ask myself, where is that coming from?

And that's pretty much never coming from Taylor.

It's just other circumstances and reminding yourself that and making sure that you keep your partner's viewpoint, knowing that they're on your team is something I.

That helps out a lot.

Yeah, I think when we were having.

For those that don't know.

So our daughter got diagnosed with Celiac diseases.

Like last year, like back in.

I think we figured out in February, March time.

So for the first year and a half of her life, she was really difficult.

And I remember over the summer of last year, we were finally like, we had gotten to a week and we were traveling a ton too.

But we were also just like snapping about each other all the time.

And I was like, I don't really like him right now.

I don't really think that we are on the same page.

I don't think we're friends.

And then finally one day I'm like, it's because we're parenting in a really hard situation and we are having a lot of disagreements.

Not necessarily like we just didn't know what to do.

There was times where we were trying to problem solve and honestly both of our solutions weren't working and we were looking towards one another to try and be like, will this work?

Will this work?

And.

And nothing was working between the two of us.

And finally one day I was like, I actually.

He is my friend.

Like I do.

I do actually think I like him.

So he is my.

My person, my friend.

And reminding myself of that a lot reframed too of I understand we're both going through the same experience.

We're both getting beat up in different ways and we're both trying so desperately that we're starting to take it out on each other.

And that seemed to help reframe a lot of things too.

Yeah.

I think the last thing I've seen a lot with Tay when I think about being better parents and partners together is there's a Medium article that I'm not exactly sure where if this.

Where the survey or how long ago came out.

I think it just came out a couple years ago.

But they say guilt versus rest.

78% Of parents agree that personal rest makes them better parents.

But 61% of parents still feel guilty taking time for themselves.

And we talked a lot about how we can better parent together and be on the same page from those six points that Taylor has brought up.

But I think one thing I've seen that is good for couples with kids and such is still taking time for yourself.

Whether like for me I. I play weekly video games once or twice a week with some friends in a different state or like sports Tay that used to be yoga or going to Dutch bros or to now we have home goods spend a lot of money there lately.

Let me tell you things like that, like not losing your identity as well when you're going through a very rewarding time as a parent, but still a very difficult time at the same time where most of your free time is given to other individuals.

And finding little ways to not lose yourself can give you more patience.

And I just think perspective again on.

On why you're doing and what you're doing it for, but not losing yourself in that as well, because that's something I was pretty frank.

I think Taylor struggles with a lot and I do think we.

That's something we do talk about a lot.

Where I think she could do a lot better on taking time for herself.

But she feels guilty.

But I think it helps her be a better mom too.

Yeah.

But I, I think.

I think a lot of moms would be in the same position as me.

Like I. I loved and respected 100.

One of his old co workers said it told him or maybe it was your boss old boss or something.

But she said that she would be a parent if she could be the dad role.

Yeah.

And I respect that a hundred percent because I was like, the roles are very different.

Even though we're both parenting and we're both in it, being a mom is very, very different from being a dad and your kids still love and respect you and want you so much and you're the fun playmate and all these things.

But being a mom is a mess and being a mom's hard in a different way.

So I do think like mothers need to be a lot better at keeping their identity and keeping the ability to rest.

Yeah.

That's part of the.

Honestly think you'd have 0.7 is especially as.

As a mom and like talking about not losing yourself.

And if that means the dad needs to step up and give an hour, hour and a half with the kids so the mom can step away and do X, Y or Z.

Maybe even just doing errand without the kids.

That's a revelation at times or.

Yeah.

But I feel like.

I feel like that is some.

Someone are probably listening being like, that's the unicorn lottery.

Sure.

Some partners call it like their babysitting.

Like, you're not one of those.

You're one.

I just like, okay, we're in the store.

Okay, bye.

Like they call it babysitting their kids.

So for those that are listening that are more in that circumstance where you talked about there's different.

You need to get different resources for that.

That's probably a whole separate podcast.

Yeah.

But like, what would you quickly say to people like that that's probably a topic we need to do.

Well, a different time.

We used to.

We used to be tribes and raise our kids in communities and tribes.

And I think that's where a lot of women are feeling isolated and needing a community now.

And it's so freaking hard to find is that women used to raise kids together and then they would have the support of all the other women and all the other women would check their kids in the community and that's.

We don't have that anymore.

A lot of women are lacking that.

So finding the best support, friendships, aunties, grandmas, whatever you can find will help a ton.

But again, where do you find that in a community that is very individualized versus collectivist?

It's hard.

Yeah.

So that's.

That's a whole different rant that I'm not happy about.

But I am very grateful because I feel like I raised my babies with my mom's help and am and Brittany raised her babies with me and my mom would be nice to have my sister here.

But so a little bit different things for that one.

I had another thought that I was going to say, but I don't remember.

Anyways, those are our six tools.

I'm gonna repeat them one more time.

The page is going to be on our social media, so check that out.

Instagram will be up sometime this week.

One of taste posts, so check it out.

You can request the.

You comment on that post, we'll send you the the PDF.

Yeah.

The biggest thing to take away from this is you don't have to pair it identically.

You have to make the skills work together.

And that's like the whole point of parenting is we have two people that think different and that's a good thing that then combine and support each other in the process.

And that's what we're looking for.

So if you need help that we have multiple resources for you guys as well.

We have workshops going on for parenting kids that having anxiety.

We have a bunch of things posted on Instagram.

So check out our social media page too for that.

Yeah.

Thanks for listening, everybody.

Bye, White.