This podcast episode dives straight into the heart of a common teen struggle: anxiety. We’re serving up six super practical communication skills to help you connect with your anxious teen without losing your cool (or your marbles)! Think of us as your personal guides through the wild terrain of teenage emotions—where “I’m fine” actually means “Help me, I’m spiraling!” We explore everything from listening with intent to reflecting feelings, and trust me, these tips are gold when it comes to navigating those awkward, hormone-fueled conversations. So grab your headphones, settle in, and let’s tackle this together—because parenting teens is like riding a rollercoaster, and we’re here to make sure you don’t throw up!

Takeaways:

• Navigating teen anxiety is a wild ride, but with patience and skills, we can help them through it!
• Being present for your teen's emotions means diving into the pit with them, not just handing them a ladder!
• Teens need to feel heard, so listen with intent, reflect their feelings, and validate their experiences—it's like a superpower!
• Remember, guiding your teen is last on the list—let them lead the way, and you'll both learn a ton!
• Using humor and light-heartedness can be a game-changer when discussing serious feelings with your teen, so don’t be shy!
• Building communication skills with your teen is like a dance; sometimes you lead, sometimes they do, and it’s all about finding that rhythm together!

Foreign.

Hello, friends.

I'm Taylor.

And I'm Brittany.

Together we're two sisters who are here to help you learn some tips and tricks to help navigate this crazy journey called life.

We bring the perspective of a licensed mental health counselor, a mother, and a.

Slightly eccentric mom of two.

When you combine us as sisters, we like to consider ourselves as quite the dynamic duo.

So join us as we talk about all life has to offer.

All right, so we're doing our second episode right in our communication series today, and we're going to talk about what to do when your teen is anxious.

And here are some six skills that you can do to try to help.

Yes.

So if you don't remember last episode we recovered this.

It's also all over our Instagram.

So I've been posting pretty much daily all the six skills and kind of an application of it, what it sounds like.

Very briefly, we're gonna split specifically giving you an example for teens with anxiety today.

This also works with teens with in general.

Right.

It doesn't have to just be anxiety.

It's just a, a good label because I feel like a lot of parents specifically ask me for with anxiety.

This will work with any teen though.

In general, the six skills just to like briefly cover them.

It's listen with intent, reflect, feeling, reflect meaning, validate, summarize, and guide.

That makes sense.

Questions?

Yeah, so we're gonna go through it.

I just.

Skills.

I have a teenage daughter, lots of, lots of skills.

So think about like anytime you're trying to communicate with your teen specifically, probably 14, 15, 16, these are the ages like, well, actually it's usually 13, 14, 15 are the three ages that I hear the most when people are like, I'm having the hardest time trying to connect.

And the behaviors usually are distant, very small in how they're talking, not articulated.

And very much like, I'm fine or like I don't need you or big meltdowns and big feelings.

It's very normal for the development age because they're still having their brain form.

So it's interesting because when you have this stage of teens, you can see a huge difference between 16 and 17 year olds from which is why there's driving ages 13, 12, 13, 14, 15 is because their prefrontal cortex still isn't formed fully.

So you're trying to still talk to them.

But they have some skills.

But they don't have some skills and they can't regulate their emotions the same.

They.

And that's what we're dealing with when we're dealing with we're talking like earliest teens to like 16 is really when you're going to get a lot of the same reactions.

Okay.

And we're right in the middle of it.

My daughter's about to turn 15, so yeah, 15's hard.

15.

15'S a weird hormone age too, I've noticed with a lot of kids.

So it's an interesting one.

When we're talking about anxiety, we're talking about teens that like, tend to overthink or do what if scenarios, do shoulds they catastrophize, which is like jumping from 0 to 100.

So that would look like, oh my goodness, I didn't text this person back.

They're gonna hate me for forever.

I said the wrong thing.

And why did I say that?

And I look so stupid and I wish I had dressed different and like, nobody's gonna like me ever.

I'm never gonna have any friends.

So that, that would be like overanalyzing mixed with catastrophization.

Right.

Or then the what ifs of what if I go to school on the first day and nobody sits next to me and nobody likes me and everyone makes fun of my outfit and I have to look perfect.

That would be a what if with control.

So we're talking like those spirals that you notice where they just are very fixated and they, they tend to repeat a lot.

Now your teen is going to have anxiety because that's normal.

We're talking about like, this is clinical when it's causing an, like an impediment.

Right?

Yeah.

Yes.

In their day to day life.

It told us if it was like, if it was interact or interfering with their day to day life.

Like, that's where it's like, okay, this is too much like it's causing problems, interactions or whatever.

Yeah.

We're looking for like, how is it deterring from just being able to function?

So like an example I give everyone is my kid is really like nervous to enter into a situation.

So we really worked on him with the playground.

Like, it's okay to go and play with friends at the playground, right?

It's okay to go and initiate saying hi to somebody and like playing with them and that's fine.

But if I didn't work on that, then that his like worry of entering that situation and not being able to talk to kids would have been an impediment in his life and it would have caused more anxiety and then that would have, in the future, potentially been an issue than if we hadn't have worked on the social Skills.

Does that make sense?

Yes.

So you can see the crossroads for it.

Okay, so the goal with teens, as we're talking about today, just want to give a little background on anxiety.

Any questions on that?

No.

And if you need a refresher on anxiety, we've had some past episodes where you can go back and kind of like, go through those overviews.

And like, Taylor talked about the catastrophizing or, like, getting stuck in, like, all the what ifs or whatever it is.

Like, there we kind of go through what different forms of anxiety might look like.

So if.

If you're unsure, like, is this anxiety that I'm dealing with my teenager or anything like that, go review that episode and then come back and that might be helpful.

Yeah.

And there's.

There's like an episode on breaking on the five different thought processes you can have with anxiety.

And like, yeah, you know, all of that.

So really go through that.

Don't.

So when your teen is having an emotion, especially anxiety, but any emotion, it's not about you wanting them to, like, fix their problem or have them stop talking.

You just want to be present with them and be with them.

So the best analogy that I think I've told this before on the podcast is you don't want to be above the hole with the person putting a ladder down.

You want to be in the hole with the person pushing them up.

Right.

So think about having a conversation that looks very different if you're from the whole giving advice and pulling somebody up.

You're.

You're very authoritative and you're looking down on that person versus if you're in the hole with them.

Problem solving together, you're both in the same situation in the same spot.

So it's a lot more collaborative and it's a lot more teamwork.

So they feel less like they're having a guide.

The reason this is so important, especially for after 11 to 12, because you're trying to build a fully functional human by themselves.

Right?

So as teens specifically, we're trying to get them to use collaborative skills because we need them to problem solve by themselves.

Because, hello, we're going to make them be an adult one day.

And we're trying to teach their prefrontal cortex to gain the skills that they need.

So the adults, you can't see that emotionally regulate the ones like that, you see that can't problem solve.

It's because nobody actually, like, encouraged it, facilitated and collaborated with them.

So your job, especially as a parent of a teen, is not to be the authoritative one.

It is to be the collaborative one.

Right.

You're authoritative in other areas, but specifically when it comes to emotions, you are there in the pit with them, but that does not mean that you go in the pit of emotions with them.

That means you're simply in the pit.

You do not have the same.

Don't carry it.

Yes.

You do not have to same that experience.

Right.

So that, like, I have a lot of parents.

Like, oh, I'm on that roller coaster, dude.

No, don't.

Don't knock it on the roller coaster.

Yeah.

Like, you don't need to, like, absorb all the friend drama or like, so and so wanted to go to the amusement park, but I didn't want to go.

And so what do I do?

Like, there was one, I remember a couple weeks ago, and I was like, we're gonna pause.

Like, I actually can't handle this right now.

And we'll come back to this.

But it's like, you still have to, like, hold their feelings where it's like, this is a really hard thing because it's a social situation and those feelings are really real for them.

But I don't need to get invested and be like, oh, no, she didn't.

Like, yeah, wronged you.

And yeah, yeah.

This is where the communication skills come into play.

Right.

Because, like, you can sound really invested, but you're not.

Because you don't need to go on the cuckoo ride with them because then it's going to make you not a good collaborative partner.

Right.

Which is why people like therapists, because we're not getting on the cuckoo train with you.

We are going and staying consistent, and then you guys can go up and down.

But we're the ones that keeping consistency.

And that's what we're looking for from a parent.

Yes.

Which is so hard sometimes, especially when your child's having a hard time and, like, having a breakdown about, you know, like I said, going to the amusement park with friends.

Like, yeah, it's okay to, like, you can just remain constant even when they're riding their own little roller coaster.

I heard this really good term from the Japanese have such good terms.

Couples say ma.

So and when they're fighting, they'll say, hey, we need ma.

And they sit there without anything else for like two to three minutes, just staring at each other and letting silence settle in so their emotions can recalibrate and come down, down.

Which I'm like, why don't we use that with our kids?

Like, I've heard parents be like, hey, I want to come back to this but it's almost nice.

Like, your brain can't think of lines when you're angry or when you're in that emotional roller coaster, but it can't think of a word.

And I'm like, I can think of a word like, pow.

You know, like Hawaiian.

Like, come out for a second.

Yeah.

Like ma.

Like.

So I think, like, the more parents can also implement, like, when your system is dysregulated.

Cool.

No big deal.

Just say, like, pin in it or ma or pow or.

I'm out for a sec.

Give me one moment.

You know, like, instead of having to.

Fuel it because, like, when they see us and our anxiety heightening, because it's like, oh, I really don't want you to go to the amusement park with this friend because she's just going to ditch you for this boy.

And it's like, you don't want to get stuck in that drama with them because then that's super hard.

But it's like, you have to stay calm.

It's.

Yeah, yeah.

So it is totally fine to be like, hey, I'm regulating for a second.

How about you take a second to chill?

Like, it can even be like, I'm going to chill for a sec.

You chill for a sec, and then let's go from there.

Right?

But it.

It takes a second for sure.

So the goal is to, like, you're in the pit, but you're not in the pit, Right?

Like, you chose to be in the pit, meaning you don't have to go through the funky train ride.

People have a hard time with that one.

Yeah, it's confusing sometimes because it's like, you feel like you have to hold it for your kids.

But it's like, actually you don't.

You just have to give them space to feel it.

You don't actually have to hold it.

That's.

Yeah.

I always thought of, like, I was a garbage man, you know?

Like, I am the person that takes your trash, but I don't have to.

Like, I'm not taking the trash home.

I'm not, like, having it, like, shuffle through it.

Like, the garbage men simply just drive it away and dump it in this huge dump.

Right?

Like, they don't do anything with your garbage besides dispose of it for you.

And I feel like, as parents, we are emotional garbage men or women, and, like, our job is to simply take it, put it in the trash and throw it away.

Like, drive your garbage truck away.

My son loves garbage trucks.

We really talk about garbage trucks a lot.

That's cute.

Yeah, but it's been a good analogy for me, especially as a clinician.

I have everyone ask how I don't like, hold on to things or escalate.

It's because I, I see it really in my head as like I'm, I'm simply a disposer.

Like, I don't, I don't need to do anything else with this.

And that helps a lot to not carry it.

It's really hard not to carry it sometimes though.

Like, it's really hard when it's your baby, right?

Because, like, having a kid, it's.

It's hard because you're like, this is my flesh and blood and my baby.

But like, yeah, you gotta still, you gotta figure how to do it.

Yeah.

Harsh therapist.

And he was like, you gotta do it one way or the other.

It makes sense though, for your own mental well being and then to be the stability for your kid.

Because you don't want your kid to come back and see how you keep, you know, vacillating either.

So it's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't want them to see the skill and then model that skill.

Yeah.

So application of the skills.

Right.

We talked about.

I'm gonna switch these around again on the list.

Right?

So like, remember, listen to the tent will be number three.

But reflect feeling will be the first one.

So with a teen, this is interesting.

It would be like, it sounds like you're really overwhelmed about tomorrow.

Teens hate when you name emotions.

Okay?

So when you reflect meaning with a teen, you gotta be real careful.

Either they're gonna correct you, they're gonna shut down on you, or you're gonna have to, like, figure out a way around it.

So the way around it with teens is I just go and be like, what's the vibe right now?

Like, what, what's this thing going on?

Or sometimes I'll even spend how salty the teen is.

But I'll like, have to ask me, like, do you hear that?

And they'll be like, wait, what?

And like, do you, do you hear that?

Like, what you're feeling right now?

Because, like, I heard it, you know, so sometimes you have to tread really lightly, like, with the reflection of meaning, because they will laugh it back at you.

So asking is usually the way.

If they're being real spicy, I'll be like, do you hear how that sounds?

Do you hear how, like, that emotion is coming off?

If not, like, let me help you with it.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, it makes sense.

And some might be more receptive to that than others, like you said.

So it's just like, yeah.

And it really just depends the day.

And like.

Yeah.

So try a few different approaches.

If, like, the naming it where, like that straight skill of it sounds like you're really overwhelmed isn't working, then try, like, what is this feeling?

If they can't name it, then be like, do you hear how that sounds?

And if that's not working, then be like, yo, you got big feelings going on.

Like, some of them.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Either I'm going to name them or you're going to name them because these are big.

Right.

And that seems to work too, like one of the four.

But you can see the drastic ness of the difference depending on the type of teen you're dealing with.

Totally.

And like, some kids will respond better to, like, if you're joking about it, and other kids are not gonna like that.

So just keep feeling it out, I guess.

And that's.

That's also off your, like, rapport with them.

Right.

Like, if you tend to joke around a lot with communication with your teen to try and get them open up, then do that.

But if you tend to be more of an authoritative, directive person, then it's going to sound a lot more accusatory when you give an emotion out.

So if you tend to be more defensive and accusatory as a parent, fine.

Then this skill is gonna have to be much more of a feel and, like, they have control of it.

So you need to be like, hey, what do you think this feeling is?

Like, soft reflection back.

That makes sense.

Your tonal matter on this.

Yeah.

Your tone matters and you being aware of how you've bonded with that teen matters.

Because even in my sessions, like, different teens, different techniques to reflect feelings back.

Right.

And it just depends how much they like me, how much they don't like me, and what.

How they see me as an a therapist.

Right.

And it really does flex even on the day.

Like, sometimes I'll just kind of not have it and be like, we don't seem like we're in the mood for feelings today.

And, you know, like, not so much.

Okay, got it.

Reflect meaning.

So it's not just this test.

It's the fear of letting people down.

This one actually does.

Okay.

With teens, it's reading between the lines because they're trying to see between the lines.

Again, you gotta remember their development and their age.

Seeing between the lines and understanding themes and patterns is hard for them because they're still learning the skill and their brain is trying to understand the skill.

So being able to do that is actually really Easy.

Yeah, that's a good one.

And it just makes them feel too.

Like, when you reflect the meaning back, like, it does show you're listening.

And that's always a good thing, too.

So they're like.

I feel like they're more willing to engage at that point because it's like, oh, I actually do have our attention.

Like, that's.

I feel like reflect meaning is a little bit easier.

Routines and reflect feeling.

Because reflect feelings feels like a label to them, and it's slapping them on, like, yeah.

And it's like, no, how do you know what, I'm not overwhelmed, I'm angry or, no, I'm not.

You know, whatever.

Yeah.

They tend to bite back on that one.

But reflect meaning, it's like you're.

You're helping them discover and dig through stuff.

It feels a lot more collaborative and, like, you're treating them like an equal instead of like, I'm telling you what you're thinking or feeling, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

It's interesting, like, the way that's interpreted sometimes.

But it's funny because with adults, it's swapped, like, when.

When you can hit the radar for the adults.

They love it, like, when you be like, hey, I think this is what you're feeling, like, very different on ages.

Yeah.

But reflect meaning is usually a safe one because it's like, after you listen, they're like, hey, I'm actually feeling really upset.

I just really wanted that guy to ask me to dance.

Yeah.

And so it's like, oh, okay.

Like, I can see that you're just feeling sad because you got rejected, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then they feel.

But, like, summarize, too.

Like, we can skip to that one because this one is very close to reflect meaning.

If you summarize, like, okay, anxious about the test, worried and disappointing us, and, like, running on no sleep.

Like, you're giving a succinct thing and showing that you listened and putting in your own words.

So then they will elaborate more.

Like, teens are really good if you, like, in for a penny and for a pound.

Right?

Like, you give them a little bit, they'll, like, build, and you show them that you're listening more, and then they'll build on that.

And that's kind of what the reflect meaning and summarize will do.

And these are your, like, big hitters with teens, I would say.

Like, if you are having a hard time communicating with your teen, try these two first.

Summarizing, but, like, summarizing not in a way where it sounds like you're regurgitating with it said, but like summarizing it and putting it in your own package and reflect meaning and you're going to get a lot farther with them than you have before.

And like, don't give up either because like so my stepdaughter is the same age as my daughter, so we have two 14 year old girls in the house right now.

And so like earlier this week my stepdaughter was having some big feelings and I remember asking her and the first day she actually wasn't, I was like, oh, it seems like you're feeling overwhelmed.

And she didn't take my bid.

She didn't want to really talk about it.

She was like, yeah, I'm feeling overwhelmed.

I was like, would you like to.

Talk about it more?

No.

But then like two days later, then all of a sudden she was willing to.

And so it's like sometimes if you can't get with them the first time, don't give up.

Like, don't take that.

No, like, oh, actually they don't want to talk to me.

Like I already asked if they're feeling overwhelmed and they like shut the door down.

Like it's okay to try again and like maybe they let you in a little further.

So it's like, okay.

So then the next time I'm like, then I reflect the meaning and then she shares a little more.

So I'm like, then I'm summarizing.

And so we were able to get like, then we had a really good big conversation about all the things she was feeling.

But it was like if I had just stopped because I'm like, oh, she told me she don't talk about it, you know, on Wednesday or whatever.

It was like then you lose out on that time to connect and actually get into like what are they actually needing?

I think the big thing too is like until my parents, it's kind of like a scared like animal, right?

You're waiting for them to come to you and you'll make progress and then they'll go away and they'll make progress again.

Like your job is simply to be consistent and being present.

So you just have to keep offering over and over and over again and be ready to be rejected over and over and over again.

And trust me, like I, I've gotten rejected hard with the, the best film, right?

That's my job.

So like, I definitely have a lot of stories of getting yelled at.

I think I got yelled at four times in my room this week, just this week alone, you know, like, so like I get It.

It's hard, it's exhausting, and it stinks.

But that's your job.

Like, if you want to actually have a connection and be consistent, then you will show up and get rejected every time because that's your job as a parent, right?

It's not glamorous.

Just like I said, it's your job as a therapist.

Right?

Like, and every kid will be different.

Like I just said, two stepdaughters same age.

And like, my daughter will typically just like, sing like a canary every time you just ask her.

And she's just like, water works and like, the whole details, right?

But, yeah, different personalities, different ways of processing emotions and being aware.

And like, that's just what it is.

So your job is just to be consistent.

But, like, I really think the ones like thinking about with teens reflect meaning and summarize.

And again, like, if you go to our Instagram page and all of, like, our websites and stuff like this is posted places, there's also workshop on this.

Like, we have a ton of stuff for breakdown examples of these.

If you need even more breakdown examples of these.

Because, like, yes, it's a.

It's a fine skill.

But, like, the communication part, we do have a bunch of stuff for this.

Listen with intent.

Okay.

I have a son who lately is loving.

He's almost three, and he comes up and he goes, no phones.

Focus, no phones.

And it's like, very aggressive.

Like, like today I was chasing like a Walmart order and no phone.

No phone.

Or, like, I'll even be talking to you, right?

No phones, right?

Or I was just sending this picture of the video when I took him to the park, and he's like, no, no phone.

And I'm like, I'm taking your picture.

No phones.

Yeah, because he wants attention, right?

And like, and I think that's so fascinating because, like, we're definitely not parents.

We're on our phone a ton.

I think there's been periods, you know, we're on it more or less.

But, like, he's really good at advocating for himself, clearly.

But I think this is the thing, is parents are not realizing how much their brain is split all the time and how much we're not actually focusing on what's being said or being present.

And then we're listening to respond to guide or to parent.

And we have these prepackaged parent things that we think we need to say or that we think our job is right.

We're not actually listening to listen and then respond to our child and their concerns.

We're listening to try and be the guide, to be the mentor.

And like, we're all parenting for the first time.

It's a hot mess.

So we're trying our best to do the right thing.

And I think sometimes because we're trying so hard and it's the first time we're doing it, we tend to prepackage things or stay in the safe answer, or try to listen and be like, I gotta do this, I gotta respond, I gotta listen.

Like, and then it's.

It just comes out not authentic or fitting what they actually need.

Yeah.

I had seen this quote the other day, actually, I think attached to a sticker for Neil the seal.

But it was like, even if I came with an instruction manual, you wouldn't know how to use it.

And so it's like, even if they had told us, like, the pre canned answers that we're supposed to say as we're listening to our teens, that doesn't actually mean that's what they need.

Like, that.

That's not.

It would be a guideline.

Not.

You know, you can't just like, say these specific parenting things all the time.

But.

Yeah.

Well, it's been fascinating.

Like, I mean, I have two kids and I.

This is what I specialize in, is parenting and teens.

Like, I've done this for years, right?

And even then, I'm still like, discovering it with my two kids.

And they're totally different.

And like, you can attest to that.

They're.

They're totally different kids.

And how I communicate with one is very different from the other.

And like, how one needs information is very different than the other one.

And that's just the hard thing with parenting is we could give you a formula, but it doesn't work.

It doesn't work.

Yeah, you just got to keep your little mama alive.

So that's kind of.

Yeah, she's nuts.

Yeah, she's just fearless.

She fell off her bike today, and then she got right back on one second later.

And Matt was like, that's not a good sign.

And she was like, going down this really steep hill and she was going on her horsey bike that makes a.

And sings a song while she goes, oh, yeah, it's fabulous.

And we're both staring at her like, this girl is nuts.

As she, like, flopped over one second, was sobbing, and then was mad because she couldn't get on her bike soon enough.

I was like.

And then, like, we looked at our son.

I was like, if Banks wiped out, he would have been like, it would have been terrified.

And knock on it for three days.

Yeah.

And he would have had to have a cup of milk and Snuggles and Scooby Doo for two hours.

Yes, that's exactly right.

So.

So listen with intent.

Like, they all.

Sometimes all they want to know is that you're here and that you have a unlimited amount of time to listen to their problems.

And we all know you don't.

But, like, just the fact that you're giving them, that will be mean the world.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Even if they know you don't have a ton of time to, like, know that the time that you're giving them is that you're there, that you're present.

It's.

Yeah.

I think there's something, like, really valuable in the.

In.

I don't know.

I was thinking about this the other day because we have to rush all the time to appointments and stuff.

And, like, thanks.

We gotta go.

We gotta go.

And, like, my kids were both taking a really long time getting out of the car, and I wasn't rushing because we don't have anywhere to go.

I was like, the value of when you have nothing happening and you let them take up and fill the time is huge for them.

Because I could see a difference in my kids of, like, how much they loved just walking around and, like, taking up as much time and space as they could.

And they felt so amazing about it.

Right.

And I was like, this is rare in our lives, but we need to create more space like that.

So if you don't feel like you have a ton of time and you're squeezing your kid in, make more time.

Cut something else out their priority.

Yeah.

Or even, like, sometimes with my teenager, like, what I'll do is, like, I really want to give you the attention and focus that this task deserves, and I actually can't right now.

So can we.

Can we talk about this in, like, an hour?

And usually she's pretty good about that.

Yeah, you can reschedule.

Yeah.

And she's like, okay, in about an hour, I can talk about whatever stress I'm feeling about school or whatever it is.

But I've tried to be very intentional instead of knowing, like, oh, I can really only give her, like, half my attention right now because I gotta finish this task for work or I'm making dinner and we have to get ready for dance or soccer or whatever.

Right.

And so, yeah, if you just tell them, like, I really want to give this the attention it deserves, they really.

They seem to appreciate that.

Like, they do.

They understand that.

Like, the teens understand.

Right.

Like, that's Not a problem.

But make time for them somewhere.

And don't.

If you say you're gonna do it, do it.

Like, yeah, yeah, 100.

Don't just push them off, but validate.

Okay.

I have so many parents worried about this one.

For a teen specifically, we don't want to feed the Dalulu.

Right?

And that's what most parents are worried about is am I feeding the delusion?

No, you're not feeding delusion if you do validation correctly.

It's not an acceptance.

It's an agreement.

I know it's not an agreement.

It's acceptance.

Sorry, swap that one.

So you don't.

You don't have to align with their feelings, right?

Like, they can.

Can be totally crazy.

And you can be like, girl, you are, like, creaming out over this crush right now.

You need to calm the crowd down.

Or you're, like, so angry over something that is so not a big deal, right?

There's so many times in my office where I'm like, this is a really big emotion for something that, like, really.

Okay, okay.

Like, you know, but then in their brain, it is valid.

So that's the thing.

And if you go and being like, it's not that big a deal.

Like, okay, you just invalidated them.

You just tore them down.

And you said that your emotions are crazy.

Like, no, you didn't say that.

You said, it's not a big deal.

But that's what they hear.

It's so hard sometimes.

Like, even the other day, Adam was telling me about a friend of hers, and the friend had, like, you know, text her, and she's like, have you heard from so and so?

Because he hasn't text me back yet.

And Adeline's like, well, no.

She's like, what about on the group text?

Is he responding to all the group texts?

And she's like, well, no.

And so she's like, well, you got to let me know.

You got to text him and, like, let me know if he texts you back.

And so I was like, I'm not gonna do this.

Like, this is crazy, right?

But so it made me think, like, if that was my daughter.

And my daughter's, like, freaking out because this boy hadn't texted her back.

What do you say?

Like, because in that moment, this friend obviously is feeling like this is the end of the world, right?

Like, this boy hasn't texted her back.

All she wants is this text back from this boy.

And so it's like, I can validate and be like, oh, my gosh, that is so frustrating.

Like, yeah, of course you want to hear from him, but that doesn't mean that I'm not thinking like, wow, girl, you're kind of cray cray.

Like, stop it.

This is red flag.

Like, this boy better run.

But like, you can't, like, you can't tell them those things.

It's.

I think you can package it different and like, help them reframe it, right?

But, but you also.

All of us were 15 months, right?

That's the thing.

And all of us had big emotions.

And like, I really sit there and think sometimes, like, you know, this is what a 15 year old brain is supposed to do.

They're doing their job right now.

So them freaking out and having a really hard time over this is exactly doing their developmental job.

And it will lead them to being a stronger, better person.

So it's not, it's not a bad thing.

It's just an interesting experience.

Seeing it from a fully developed prefrontal cortex.

You're like, girl, you were red flag.

This is the crazy girlfriend situation.

And you can see it, but then you're like, wait, I was a crazy girlfriend at one point.

I did have these feelings at one point, you know, so, like, when you can reframe and be like, we all have been there, We've all experienced these.

How do I package it so I can give some wisdom for that little 15 year old girl to not freak fully out and to rebalance herself and not fully torture herself, you know?

So, like, I often think when I'm in this zone too, it's, how would I package advice to younger me and how would I pass wisdom on to younger me without sounding like a total doofus or mean person?

Right?

Like, yeah, younger me needs to go through all of this.

Younger me needed to, like, experience all these things, and that's how I became the person I am now with the wisdom that I have now.

They have to go through all these things to get the wisdom that they're gonna have.

How do we.

So that's where it'd be like, dude, that is so stressful that that is the worst, isn't it?

I would be so angry too, and so anxious.

Is this boy worth it, though?

Like, you know, and that's where you shove in a reframe there when you're like, do you really want to give all this time to a guy you haven't committed to?

Like, do you?

You know, like, that's when some of those reframe questions can really help.

But it's giving them that, been there, done that, seen that and they suck.

But do you want to do what I did, or do you want to do a different path?

Yeah.

Which I think leads to the last one too, which is this the guide thing.

Like, how do we guide them?

And then.

Yeah, because you have on here, like, do you want to just met, or do you want to talk through it together?

Like, and I've had to do that so many times.

I'm like, do you want solutions or do you just want me to listen to how stressed you are about school or whatever?

Yeah.

And it's also too, like, you know, when you're validating, it's really easy to slide into.

Let me fix it.

Like, you don't need that boy, he's so stupid.

Versus, like, yeah, I get that.

That is really stressful.

Like, do you need to talk about it?

Do you need, like, you should change, like.

Like, what you're thinking about right now?

Like, do you need some wisdom?

Like, what do you need kind of thing?

And, like, that helps empower to think in a different way.

I think so.

Yeah.

Especially if they're open to it.

Like, if they're open to the advice of whatever.

Yeah.

But this is a problem too, is it's just like being a new mom or new married couple.

Everyone on the planet is giving you advice as a teen.

Everyone on the planet thinks they know better than you, and everyone on the planet thinks, like, they have something to pass down to you.

So teens really don't want to hear it.

And teens really don't want advice even though they need it.

Not saying they don't need it.

I'm saying, like, they don't want to hear it.

So you have to be, like, very aware of their position, and if you can put it back in their core, like, what are you gonna do?

Like, how are you gonna solve it?

I don't know.

Like, he's so stressful.

And then that's where you'll be like, yeah, it's really stressful.

I mean, like, and that's where you can be, like, I remember when I was a teen dealing with that.

Like, learn some good things.

You can throw it out there that way too, without straight up being like, do you want to know advice or not?

Like, you can kind of throw out of.

I've been through this.

I understand.

Can you help?

Yeah.

More receptive to it at that point.

Yeah, yeah.

Guide is the last resort, though.

Always.

And guide is such an easy one, especially with young, younger people to throw out and to do.

And this should be really, like, last.

Last or like, they're asking or something like that.

Yeah, Just like we said in our last communication podcast where it was like, guide is often the first thing we want to do, but it's actually not what we should be doing.

Yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

Anything else from those?

I don't think so.

I mean, and it's not, it's really just like good skills for any relationship, whether you have a teenager or not.

Like those are.

Because I think we talked about a lot of these in the first one anyways.

But just kind of giving your teen the recognition of that they are growing up and they are older and you do have to be a little bit more like open with them like you would with any other adult almost.

But just know that they're not, they're not going to click quite the same way.

I think it's so interesting though, like as we were doing this because the last time I have like, we did the communication skills and I was like, oh, it'll be about the same for the teens probably like exact replication and doing this.

I realized like, I'm actually pretty opposite when I'm talking to teens and when I'm talking to an adult.

And the order in which I like talk to them, communicate with them is very different.

Guide's usually the last one, but I feel like that what comes out or how I present is very different for a teen.

So that's where I would say really think about how you view teens.

Do you think they're equal or underneath you?

Do you think you're authoritative or not authoritative?

Doesn't matter.

It just matters how you think about them and how you view them so that you know how to approach them and use the best.

Like I really have a, like a concept of they're my equal.

So like, I don't really talk to them like they're down at all.

But I know that they have to have a different technique to get that trust and buy in.

So they get the same exact treatment for me.

But it's different in the sense of like, they're ones that I really listen with intent.

They're ones that I really like summarize or like give a lot of meaning and reflection with.

Right.

But adults, it's like first reflect feelings.

Right.

That makes sense.

So just think about how you view the kid because it's going to change which one you need to work on and which one you're going to go into first.

Okay.

Yeah.

And like I said, I've got two 14 year olds in the house and.

Approach them differently, but yep, good luck.

With that, it's always fun.

All right.

If you're still concerned about your teen's anxiety and need a lot of tips, we have a ton of anxiety stuff coming up too.

I'm finishing up an OCD ERP training, which is exposure response response prevention therapy training.

So we'll probably end up doing some episodes in the new year on some of that stuff for you guys.

So OCD anxiety are highly related.

You'll get even more so if you're running into some of these stuff, keep checking back because we do a lot of anxiety stuff because that is half of my practice.

So, yeah, it's very relevant for a lot of kids.

So yes, it's very, very, very big problem.

So, yeah.

And don't forget like earlier if.

If it's affecting your kids day to day life, like, that's the time where you do need to make sure that you talk to a professional.

Like talk to their therapist.

If you don't have a therapist, bring it up with the pediatrician.

They might have resources for you to like do a therapist or.

But make sure that you, like, try to get them the help that they need.

If it's really affecting things like school and friendships and all that type of.

Stuff, we're seeing a huge increase.

It's double or triple now because of COVID and because of everything else.

So, like, your odds are that your kid has a part of it.

If you're thinking that it's taking away from them being able to do normal day to day life.

Like most teens aren't getting their license until they're 18, 19, or 20.

That's very different from our generations.

Right.

Most teens aren't like getting jobs or progressing because they're so anxious about things.

So if you're seeing progression, things like that, take them to a professional.

We can help.

Yeah, absolutely.

So.

All right.

Anything else?

I think that was it.

Good luck and thank you for listening.

Next week is going to be Boundaries without blowing up the relationship.

This is ways to communicate boundaries within a relationship.

This will be both like romantic relationships and friendships and all that stuff.

So this one should be fun.

Perfect.

Okay, next week.

Thank you, friends.

Bye.