Navigating the intricate balance of parenting requires a delicate interplay between setting boundaries and showing empathy. This episode dives into the challenges parents face in establishing these boundaries while remaining understanding and compassionate towards their children's feelings. Taylor and Brittany share personal anecdotes and insights, emphasizing the importance of tailoring parenting approaches according to each child's unique developmental stage. They explore how gentle parenting can sometimes blur the lines of necessary boundaries, leading to confusion for both parents and children. By discussing practical strategies and real-life examples, they aim to empower parents to foster healthy emotional growth in their kids while maintaining the structure they need to thrive.
Takeaways:
Parenting requires a balance between setting boundaries and showing empathy towards children.
Understanding child development helps parents navigate the challenges of setting appropriate boundaries.
Emotional validation is crucial for children's growth and helps them process their feelings.
It's important for children to learn how to navigate uncomfortable emotions for resilience.
Gentle parenting should not mean a lack of boundaries; both can coexist effectively.
Effective communication with children involves reflective listening and understanding their emotional needs.
00:11 - Introduction to Parenting Tips
00:49 - Balancing Boundaries and Empathy in Parenting
01:51 - Understanding Child Development and Boundaries
16:22 - The Role of Empathy in Setting Boundaries
21:55 - Navigating Emotional Intelligence with Kids
25:35 - Empowering Kids through Validation
33:31 - Conclusion and Upcoming Topics
Transcripts
Taylor:
Hello, friends.
Brittany:
I'm Taylor.
Taylor:
And I'm Brittany.
Taylor:
Together, we're two sisters who are here to help you learn some tips and tricks to help navigate this crazy journey called life.
Brittany:
We bring the perspective of a licensed mental health counselor, aka therapist, and a.
Taylor:
New mother and a slightly eccentric mom of two.
Taylor:
When you combine us as sisters, we like to consider ourselves as quite the dynamic duo.
Taylor:
So join us as we talk about all life has to offer.
Brittany:
Don't forget to follow us on Instagram and hit that follow like or subscribe button wherever you listen to podcasts for updates.
Brittany:
You can also see all of our expressions and interactions posted on YouTube under Rouhane channel.
Taylor:
If you're liking what you hear, leave us a five star review.
Taylor:
It helps us know what content you like and spreads the love to others to get resources and help for their mental health.
Taylor:
All right, tay.
Taylor:
So today we're talking about parenting and how to balance boundaries with empathy, which is a challenge.
Brittany:
Yeah, I get this question a lot, actually, which is interesting question to me.
Brittany:
Um, because they're.
Taylor:
I get it.
Brittany:
Yeah, no, I think.
Brittany:
I think it's just, like, I honestly, this is a fascinating subject.
Brittany:
Does that make sense?
Brittany:
Like, this is an interesting subject.
Brittany:
Like, I'm not surprised by the question because it's a super hard balance, and each situation is like, how do you.
Brittany:
And having one now of my own, I'm like, yeah, you're doing it all day, so long that you're like, how do I get all of these?
Brittany:
And.
Brittany:
Yeah, it's a lot.
Brittany:
Um, because it's this balance of two very different concepts in people's heads.
Brittany:
Right.
Brittany:
Boundaries sound really harsh.
Brittany:
Like, when you think of a boundary, it sounds aggressive, right?
Taylor:
It does sound aggressive.
Taylor:
It's like, do not cross this line.
Brittany:
Exactly.
Taylor:
You will be shot.
Brittany:
Like, it's kind of like, yeah, it's not nice.
Taylor:
Like, no.
Brittany:
At least how people, like, think about it in their head, you know?
Taylor:
Yeah.
Taylor:
And I'm learning boundaries don't have to be so harsh, but they are so hard to implement with kids.
Brittany:
Sometimes I.
Brittany:
Yeah, I think having child development helps you, because in my role, like, it's helped me with banks, at least, because I have zero problem.
Brittany:
Like, banks?
Brittany:
No.
Brittany:
Like, you know, he loves to dig in the fireplace, take, like, that metal part down.
Taylor:
Oh, yeah.
Taylor:
I mean, that's a good.
Taylor:
He got a little.
Brittany:
I get hurt.
Brittany:
No, banks, what are you doing?
Brittany:
Like, and I grabbed him, and he starts getting mad at me.
Brittany:
I'm like, yes, I know you're mad, but, like, now you know, and I think that's where understanding their development, you're like, these things are just.
Brittany:
They just need to happen to protect them.
Brittany:
And the more that you understand, like, oh, they're at this spot.
Brittany:
They're not gonna understand the dangers of this or this.
Brittany:
Like, we understand a fireplace digging in.
Taylor:
That is dangerous.
Brittany:
Is dangerous.
Brittany:
But there's a lot of other things.
Brittany:
So that's where I think that can help.
Brittany:
Sometimes having some child development background for boundaries and being like, oh, it's not as harsh.
Brittany:
It's just guidelines.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Taylor:
I think sometimes, though, like, if we're.
Taylor:
If we're talking about a boundary that would be set to protect children from a physical harm, it's easier.
Taylor:
Right.
Taylor:
If I were to say, hey, get out of the street.
Taylor:
You're gonna get by that car.
Taylor:
Like, that's easier to say.
Taylor:
Like, don't do that.
Taylor:
But I think it's where it can get hard for setting boundaries is when it's more abstract, when it's more of an emotional boundary, where it's a technologically based boundary, where it's a.
Taylor:
Whatever it might be.
Taylor:
That's.
Taylor:
I think, Rick, it's really hard.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Brittany:
And we're gonna talk about.
Taylor:
We're gonna dive into that.
Brittany:
We're gonna dive into that one, because I think that's where a lot of my parents come to me with questions on, and I always have one mantra for them.
Brittany:
So we're gonna get there going.
Brittany:
And, like, this is what Matt and I go back to every single time because, like, you know, I'm co parenting, so I have to, like, talk about these things that I always ask the same question.
Taylor:
Mm hmm.
Brittany:
And if you can't sell me on that same question, then, yeah, it's my boundaries.
Brittany:
Not gonna change.
Taylor:
I'm excited to see what you say as someone who is a single parent.
Taylor:
Yeah, we'll see.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Taylor:
I'm just.
Brittany:
It's a very hard line for me.
Brittany:
And if he can't sell me on it, then I'm out.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Like, you won't change my ideas.
Brittany:
Does that make sense?
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Brittany:
But I always think about this.
Brittany:
Like, I see this all over the Internet and, like, Instagram.
Brittany:
Gentle parenting.
Taylor:
Oh, my gosh.
Brittany:
And this is where I'm like, okay, guys, like, I'm all about compassion.
Brittany:
Obviously.
Brittany:
That's my job.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
But then there's this point where it's like, what are we doing?
Taylor:
Like, yeah, what are your gentle.
Taylor:
Then you're not actually letting the kids.
Taylor:
There are no boundaries.
Taylor:
There's no.
Taylor:
Yeah, I.
Taylor:
I have a lot of feelings on this one, your job is.
Brittany:
To meet the k.
Brittany:
The needs of the child at their developmental stage and their capabilities.
Brittany:
Right.
Brittany:
This is going to be individualized.
Brittany:
So just because your child is one of my child is one does not mean they're the same one year old.
Brittany:
Right.
Brittany:
Just because your.
Brittany:
Your child is 13 and then another person's child is 13 does not mean that they have the same cognitive ability.
Taylor:
Even within my own two children, I can't treat Anton the same as an eight year old that I would have taught her or, you know, taught or treated Adeline as an eight year old.
Taylor:
They are totally different individuals.
Taylor:
They have different needs.
Taylor:
I have to set way different boundaries with an ADHD eight year old boy 100% than I had to with a high anxiety eight year old girl.
Brittany:
Yes.
Brittany:
So when people give you blanket statement rules on Instagram, ignore those like, silly sillies.
Brittany:
I think the ones to listen to are like, I've posted, like, empowerment.
Brittany:
Like, you want to empower your kid no matter what kid they are.
Brittany:
Right.
Brittany:
But then how you empower them is very different based off the child.
Brittany:
So this is where when you see someone be like, do this, do this, do this, like, no.
Brittany:
Like, I don't know, your kid versus my kid, but like, two different kids.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Which is hard.
Taylor:
Again, it is hard.
Brittany:
That's just another thing.
Taylor:
And, yeah.
Taylor:
Thinking of empowering children.
Brittany:
No.
Brittany:
Empowerment is how we talk, though.
Brittany:
It's not about giving them the whole kit and caboodle of you do all these choices.
Brittany:
And that's the key difference.
Brittany:
Empowerment is saying, like, you are fully capable.
Brittany:
You can do this thing that I'm asking of you, or you are fully capable to help me make this choice.
Brittany:
Help me make this choice, or you have these two options.
Taylor:
I was just going to say that I was like something I learned with my, you know, with Anson that works really well, is you have option araby.
Taylor:
You can either choose to do this or you can do this.
Taylor:
And he's like, no, I want this other option.
Taylor:
Nope, that's not what I'm saying.
Brittany:
No, there's no options.
Brittany:
Yes, and they'll want to create their own options, but they also have to learn.
Brittany:
And that's.
Taylor:
And they get it.
Taylor:
They end up getting it.
Brittany:
Yes, because they think black and white.
Brittany:
They do.
Brittany:
Like your teach, they don't get abstract skills until after 13, which is why they don't go into certain classes and subjects until after 13.
Brittany:
Like, yeah, if you think about school and the levels of the things that they're allowed to study, there's a reason why we don't expose them to certain information.
Brittany:
And this is where parents.
Brittany:
I'm like, you're overestimating your kid or underestimating your kid.
Brittany:
It just depends on.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
You.
Taylor:
They do not have the metacognition skills needed for certain choices, or they do.
Brittany:
And you're not giving it to them.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
One or the other.
Brittany:
Right?
Taylor:
Yeah, I guess when they're younger.
Brittany:
That's right.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Brittany:
I'm just thinking, as teens, I've seen a lot of parents where I'm like.
Brittany:
Like, you're over hovering now.
Brittany:
Like, your teens should be able to.
Taylor:
Make a decision on whole nother thing to talk about.
Brittany:
Guys, it's a whole range.
Brittany:
Different ages, different ranges.
Brittany:
And if this.
Brittany:
If people like this one, we can go into more understanding.
Brittany:
You can pick from what you want to do, but I just.
Brittany:
More understanding your child's age range and.
Taylor:
Background and capabilities and understanding where they're at with their metacognition and all that.
Taylor:
Like, that is.
Brittany:
Yeah, it's only development.
Brittany:
Like, we won't tell you what to do with your child, but I will tell you, these are the zones that they are capable of at this age, totally in general, again, they may change with different things.
Brittany:
So the things that I have parents ask isn't like, just don't be a gentle parent that says everything.
Brittany:
Like, no, thank you.
Brittany:
No, thank you.
Brittany:
Okay.
Brittany:
No, thank you.
Taylor:
And what I said, no, thank you.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Taylor:
My favorite was always on the playground when my kids were little, and they'd be doing something stupid on the playground, like, I don't know, shoving kids down slides or climbing up backwards, and other kids were trying to go down them or whatever, right.
Taylor:
And the parents would be like, I said, no, thank you.
Taylor:
I said, no, thank you, sir.
Taylor:
Please do not do that.
Taylor:
I said, no, thank you.
Taylor:
I was like, get out the side.
Brittany:
What are you thinking?
Brittany:
Too?
Brittany:
But this is the thing is, with their age and their development, what else do they do?
Brittany:
So you're saying, no, thank you.
Brittany:
They got that.
Brittany:
But then it's like.
Brittany:
Like, binks.
Taylor:
They're not capable of knowing what you're saying.
Brittany:
No.
Brittany:
Banks loves to play, and cos dog water.
Brittany:
So I'm like, bro, you can't play this dog.
Brittany:
He'll get mad at me.
Brittany:
And we literally take it out and I have to move him.
Brittany:
And then I move the dog water.
Brittany:
But I show Banks what he can play with.
Taylor:
Yeah, thank you.
Taylor:
I said, no, thank you.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Instead of just saying, no.
Taylor:
Yeah, yeah.
Brittany:
Matt's the other day was just standing at the counter.
Brittany:
No, banks don't play with that.
Brittany:
And he just was standing there doing something else and it came out.
Brittany:
Now you have to show him what he can play with.
Brittany:
Like, instead of pulling out all the pots, like, what do you want him to play with?
Brittany:
And then follow through with your.
Brittany:
No, he's one, right?
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Versus a four year old should get, like, we said no to that.
Brittany:
But then remind them of their options.
Brittany:
Versus Anson.
Brittany:
No, bro.
Brittany:
Like, he should know at eight.
Brittany:
Like, don't do that.
Brittany:
You know, like, they're very different levels versus.
Brittany:
I have to literally remove my child, give him another option and remove the thing that he is wanting to torture.
Brittany:
Yeah, that's just how it works.
Brittany:
So.
Taylor:
And then another interesting one, too, that, like, with Adeline, there was a couple weeks ago, or beginning of September, I had made a cake for my best friend's birthday, right?
Taylor:
And all of a sudden, I look over and girlfriend is like, scooping out of the middle of the cake.
Brittany:
Oh, that would have.
Brittany:
I was like, 13 year old.
Brittany:
You're like, girl, what are you doing?
Taylor:
She's like, well, I want cake.
Taylor:
I'm like, you know better than that.
Taylor:
You know better than that.
Brittany:
I want cake.
Brittany:
Are we cakeable?
Taylor:
So then we had to, like, have a conversation.
Taylor:
What do you actually need right now?
Taylor:
Like, is it actually the cake?
Taylor:
Did you need my attention?
Taylor:
Like, what do you actually need right now?
Taylor:
Like, you know better than that.
Brittany:
Yes.
Taylor:
And that was when we were able to dive into, well, I'm actually, I need your attention because I'm headed off to my dad's house and I'm sad because I'm going to miss the cake in the birthday party.
Taylor:
And we were able to open it up and have a conversation, but if I had just gentle parented and be like, oh, she just needs that cake.
Taylor:
She just says she needs that cake.
Taylor:
Or, you know, I say, no deal.
Brittany:
Or, like, yeah, like, yeah, grown ups, when they don't say no.
Brittany:
And then the girl just smashes the cake on the plate.
Taylor:
Like, yeah, I would have missed out on the conversation.
Brittany:
You're missing out on so much background information.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
And this is where I just tell parents, like, this gets you more.
Brittany:
Like, if you want to actually have a relationship with your kid, this will get you more than if you just give them what they want.
Taylor:
Okay.
Brittany:
And this is where.
Brittany:
So, like, some of the questions I think about, though, when we're starting off is like, what is their age?
Brittany:
What is their capability?
Brittany:
Like we stated very clearly, and then at the end of the day, this is the one question I asked my husband, so you guys finally get it.
Brittany:
What is our overall goal?
Brittany:
Like, what am I trying to achieve?
Brittany:
And at the end of the day, this is the question I come back to medicine is, so I'm trying to create a healthy, well rounded, happy human with all of his cognitive capabilities and ability to be an independent person.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Right?
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Like, that is my, like, end goal.
Brittany:
So whenever there's, like, something that we're thinking about, like, either one of us, right.
Brittany:
This is the question we come back to, is, like, how is this going to benefit banks as a human being, right.
Brittany:
Overall, in his development?
Brittany:
And if you can sell me on that, or I can sell him on that, good.
Brittany:
And if not, okay, then, like, we need to reassess it.
Brittany:
So when we look at our boundaries or when we look at, like, anything, we always go back to, is this gonna help his development or hurt his development?
Brittany:
Right?
Brittany:
Like, so when I'm giving.
Taylor:
Or is it one of those where you can just kind of let it go?
Taylor:
Because it's not gonna really make a difference 100%.
Taylor:
Like, they want holy hair.
Taylor:
Fine.
Taylor:
Yeah, yeah.
Brittany:
Doesn't really matter.
Brittany:
But then him, like, him knowing.
Brittany:
What did you say the other day?
Brittany:
Like, banks kept trying to grab something, and Matt is like, I'm trying to tell him, no, it's hot, but he keeps going near it, and I'm like, okay, at the end of the day, like, and it wasn't something bad.
Brittany:
It was, like, a hot bowl or something like that.
Brittany:
Well, I was like, well, I guess he's gonna find out, then, if he keeps going for it, you know?
Brittany:
Like, because at the end of the day, it's teaching him to understand a follow up with what our boundaries were and why.
Brittany:
Right.
Brittany:
So, like, maybe that's a hit that we let him take versus not a hit that we let him take.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Like, no, banks will not be playing outside by himself.
Brittany:
No, he will not crawl the stairs by himself.
Brittany:
Like, right.
Brittany:
Those are not hits that make him a well rounded humanity.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Does that make sense?
Brittany:
Or there's.
Taylor:
I guess, like, so if we were to expand this right to an eight year old, my son, where he's like, yeah.
Taylor:
There was this one night recently that I had heard of where he had stayed up late at his dad's house on the iPad, and he was watching YouTube videos of Minecraft.
Taylor:
I was like, why did you do that?
Taylor:
He's like, well, nobody stopped me.
Taylor:
I was like, mm hmm.
Brittany:
Okay.
Taylor:
Because everybody else had fallen asleep, and he had found the iPad and hadn't fallen asleep, and I was like, okay.
Taylor:
Like, so we had to have this conversation.
Taylor:
What is that contributing to your life, buddy?
Brittany:
Yeah.
Taylor:
Like, is that, you know, I'm not saying no YouTube ever.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Taylor:
But to, like, you know, we were able to have this conversation with these expectations.
Taylor:
So now every time he goes, I'm like, make sure you don't step late on YouTube.
Taylor:
I won't, mom.
Taylor:
Like, it's.
Taylor:
But setting that boundary and helping them see their why I think behind it.
Brittany:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Taylor:
That is one that I'll fight.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Brittany:
And I think you can see if it's gonna become a precedent pattern, if it's gonna become like, something harmful to their development later on.
Brittany:
Like, this is something that you need to hold a boundary on.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Taylor:
Staying up till midnight watching YouTube videos is not great.
Brittany:
That is also a repetitive pattern.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Like, that could be a repetitive pattern for a kid that stims on technology.
Brittany:
Like, that was a good one to call out versus.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Pokemon card.
Brittany:
Looking at with Matt's in, like, oh, totally.
Taylor:
Yeah, yeah.
Taylor:
Look at your wanting to, you know, sort his new game that he got by color or whatever.
Taylor:
Yeah, fine.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Taylor:
Like, are they irritating to me in the moment?
Taylor:
And I tried to set the boundary over going to the bed.
Taylor:
Yes.
Taylor:
But at the end of the day, does it really matter if he has to go sort his cards by blue, red, green, whatever?
Taylor:
No.
Taylor:
Just.
Brittany:
So this is where, like, ask yourself at the end of the day, is this achieving our overall goal of creating a happy, well rounded human being?
Brittany:
And I think this is where you also need to think, like, Koa's expectations are different from a normal dog's expectations.
Brittany:
Right.
Brittany:
Like, because if he has a job and he has requirements to do a purpose and help people.
Brittany:
Right.
Brittany:
Because of that, that changes my expectations to be a lot more strict versus other ones.
Brittany:
Right.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
So some of that may adjust to for your child, like, well, they have to do this or we live in this kind of household, or they have these other external dynamics that could influence them.
Brittany:
Does that make sense?
Brittany:
So, like, take those into account too, when you're like, is this a happy, healthy person?
Brittany:
But yeah, it's going to look different for each family system.
Taylor:
And speaking of family systems, I was just going to bring up that.
Taylor:
I think that it's really important, and I'm working on this too, of finding this balance of when you are answering your child's needs instead of just letting them dictate their own stuff with this, like, gentle parenting, think about how it's going to affect your whole family system.
Brittany:
Uh huh.
Taylor:
So an example of this recently, and I had called Taylor, I think, panicking.
Taylor:
Adeline really wanted to do swim team, which is great.
Taylor:
Swim team's great.
Taylor:
But I knew that I was not, I did not have the capacity to do that.
Taylor:
And so rather than being the gentle parent that I can be sometimes and just being like, okay, yeah, we're going to do it.
Taylor:
This is really good for Adeline.
Taylor:
Like, she, you know, she needs this.
Taylor:
We were able to break it down and say, you know, well, how is this good for everybody?
Taylor:
How was this good for our family system?
Taylor:
What will this.
Taylor:
If I give this into the, you know, energy into things, how will that affect our family system?
Taylor:
Where will we break down?
Brittany:
Yeah.
Taylor:
And I think that is important to do, too.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Like, your load is different than my load because I have a partner in the load.
Brittany:
Your single mommy.
Brittany:
That's going to change your expectations and your boundaries and your ability to say things like, yeah, and that's going to change, too.
Brittany:
Like, if you're a stay at home mom or stay at home dad or parent, like, versus not, like, I work, so I don't get certain things that, you know, we have to split it different and we have to do different things.
Brittany:
And that's where.
Brittany:
Yeah, we have different expectations because of the lifestyle that we have.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Taylor:
And if you apply that back to Koa, we look at Co and we're like, of course, he's a service dog.
Taylor:
We expect these things.
Taylor:
Yeah, we got to look at our own family systems and our own children with that same outlook, I think.
Taylor:
Yeah, yeah.
Brittany:
Well, like, I think a perfect one in our house.
Brittany:
Because of how Matson and I were raised, we were very much adamant, like, banks will help with chores.
Brittany:
Like, he will help me fold clothes at, you know, when he.
Brittany:
He can help me sort out colors of socks at one.
Brittany:
Like he.
Brittany:
Or like, I guess, like one and a half, two when he starts learning his colors, like, but right now when we do laundry, he's, like, getting used to me doing it with him.
Brittany:
And then I do around him and he, like, helps me pull out all the clothes of the basket.
Brittany:
And then I told him he does a great job helping.
Taylor:
Great job.
Brittany:
But you know what's interesting is he's learned to clean up.
Brittany:
So now when he plays, he puts his toys back in and it's so.
Taylor:
Cute, and then he dumps them again.
Brittany:
But, but it's a game.
Brittany:
And that's how we're teaching him to do whatever our expectations are, because we are a household that both parents work.
Brittany:
We are this.
Brittany:
We need the kids to help carry the load of carrying out the household stuff.
Brittany:
Right.
Brittany:
And that's where I think, like, koa's job determines kind of his behavior.
Brittany:
So should your house and your system.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Um, does that help?
Brittany:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Okay.
Brittany:
So, definition of empathy and boundaries.
Brittany:
I think we just want to clarify really quick.
Brittany:
Like empathy, we're talking about being able to understand and share the experience of feelings.
Brittany:
Like, you have had this feeling, you understand this feeling, and you know this feeling.
Brittany:
Right.
Brittany:
It's that shared connection.
Brittany:
According to Roman.
Brittany:
I don't know how to say his.
Taylor:
Lost in very well, I don't know.
Brittany:
Sure.
Brittany:
I don't know.
Brittany:
Sure.
Brittany:
But he wrote a book called empathy, why it matters and how to get it.
Brittany:
And it's actually a pretty good one.
Brittany:
And he says empathy is at the heart of who we are, which is, like, so true.
Brittany:
That's how we.
Brittany:
We just did koa loves last week.
Brittany:
So this is like we talked about there.
Brittany:
It's that shared space, that shared understanding of one another, that shared connection.
Taylor:
And if we believe that men are inherently good, then empathy is at the core of that.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Brittany:
People have a shared connection of being able to connect to each other.
Brittany:
Boundaries is being able to set expectations or guidelines for behavior and interaction.
Brittany:
This is like giving known limits to one another.
Brittany:
So just clarifying.
Brittany:
Like, this is my known limit.
Brittany:
Like, koa knows his expectations.
Brittany:
You go to work, you behave a certain way, you are not allowed to jump on people.
Brittany:
You are not allowed to lick people.
Brittany:
You are not allowed to bark at people unless there's a threat to mommy.
Brittany:
Like, and he actually will do that.
Taylor:
Yeah, he does.
Brittany:
I really love him for that.
Brittany:
But he knows those are like, no, no things.
Brittany:
You don't poop in there.
Brittany:
You don't pee in there.
Brittany:
Like, you do your job, and you are a nice boy.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Does it.
Brittany:
That's the expectation.
Brittany:
If I didn't have those expectations, though, then he wouldn't be good at his job.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Right.
Brittany:
So I have to hold the line so that he actually performs.
Brittany:
Crazy.
Brittany:
I know.
Taylor:
Um, but it's good for kids to have boundaries, because without boundaries, they do flounder.
Taylor:
And it's one of those where we have to give them some boundaries.
Taylor:
It.
Brittany:
This is how they learn the world.
Taylor:
Out their gray zones when they aren't capable of.
Brittany:
You got to remember, we talk about development so much, this one.
Brittany:
And we should probably.
Brittany:
We do a development episode, but, like, kids don't have the cognitive capability to understand.
Taylor:
They don't.
Brittany:
Social norms and expectations that are unspoken they don't know how to read between the lines.
Brittany:
Just like, we know how to have emotional intelligence.
Brittany:
We know how to, like, interact as adults.
Brittany:
That's because we learned it, not because we have that gifted, because it's learned.
Brittany:
I mean, I'm an empath, so I get a little bit better than most people, but at the same time, still learned a lot of, like, social norms and cues and things like that.
Brittany:
That's why we have to have these things, so your child can learn.
Taylor:
Mm hmm.
Taylor:
It is true.
Taylor:
It is so necessary.
Brittany:
It's vital.
Brittany:
Like, and this is what I was taught in grad school, and all of my psych training is kids need somewhere to refer to, and that's why we have to do this.
Brittany:
Like, there's not really an option.
Brittany:
Yeah, but it's, again, there's a difference in how you present it and meanness, niceness, all of that.
Taylor:
I was just going to say that, and I don't.
Taylor:
Do we dive into that at all?
Brittany:
No.
Brittany:
So we are going to dive into that because this is about, like.
Brittany:
So I actually.
Brittany:
There was a book referred to when we talked about boundaries, and it's from Karen call or Karen hall.
Brittany:
Sorry.
Brittany:
Karen hall.
Brittany:
The power of validation.
Brittany:
Arming your child against bullying, self harm, and other hazards.
Brittany:
And she talks about how validation helps children develop a lifelong sense of self worth.
Brittany:
Children who are validated feel reassured that they will be accepted, loved, regardless of their feelings, while children who are not validated are more vulnerable to peer pressure, bullying, and emotional and behavioral problems.
Brittany:
The reason for that is because they're trying to figure out what they're feeling.
Brittany:
Right.
Brittany:
So the key here is that combination of validation with expectations.
Brittany:
Right.
Brittany:
And that's how you do it nicely.
Brittany:
That's how you do it in a proper way, not the mean way like that.
Brittany:
A lot of past generations refer to, like, don't go be like, this is what you have to do.
Taylor:
Don't hit them.
Taylor:
Don't go hit them if they don't match up with your thoughts.
Brittany:
None of that.
Taylor:
Nope, nope.
Taylor:
We're not lining them up against a wall and beating their bums and putting them in the snow.
Taylor:
We're not doing anything like that.
Brittany:
The goal is to show them these expectations and just help them understand how the world works so that they can interpret the world.
Brittany:
But you don't need to be mean and aggressive while you're doing it.
Brittany:
I never once.
Brittany:
And this is where people like, how'd you get Ko to be hate so well?
Brittany:
Um.
Brittany:
Because I love the crap out of that dog.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
And this.
Brittany:
And I take it back to the basics with Koa, because people can see it outside of their kids, right.
Brittany:
Because there's, like, a little bit difference in how people see dogs versus kids, right?
Brittany:
So with Koa, all of his training was continued consistency.
Brittany:
Like, reinforcement of the same thing over and over again.
Brittany:
No, coa.
Brittany:
We don't do it here, we do it there.
Brittany:
Whenever he peed in the house, I never once shoved his nose in it.
Brittany:
Never once smacked him for it.
Brittany:
Never once.
Brittany:
Him getting nose taps, which is a soft little boop on him nose, which says, no, bad boy.
Brittany:
I got one yesterday for eating.
Brittany:
And he gets so like, oh, my goodness.
Brittany:
The minute that I'm like, oh, what?
Brittany:
It's that tone.
Brittany:
And he puts his head down, and his little bum goes down, too, and it's so sad.
Brittany:
And then I want to back off, and I'm like, no, he needs to know.
Brittany:
He crunched.
Taylor:
He needs to know about me.
Taylor:
He needs to know.
Brittany:
So, like, yesterday, he chewed up a toy that was baby girl's toy.
Brittany:
So it's like one of banks baby toys, and it's going to my baby girl.
Taylor:
Well, it was.
Brittany:
Yep.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
And Koa got alone with it, and I was like, koa, what did you do?
Brittany:
And he put his head down immediately, and I was like, koa.
Brittany:
And you got his little nose bop like this.
Brittany:
And he was just like.
Taylor:
And the kids know, like, if you're applying it, like, you know, like, the dog knows.
Brittany:
That's.
Taylor:
Well, know that they've done something wrong.
Brittany:
But they have internal guilt.
Brittany:
Like, you don't need to shame.
Brittany:
You just need to use their natural instincts of feelings.
Brittany:
Right?
Taylor:
Yep.
Brittany:
Like, inside out is real guys.
Brittany:
They will naturally have whatever needs to come up, but that just means you show them how to use that correctly, which is the validation piece.
Brittany:
Like, yes.
Brittany:
Are you sad?
Brittany:
Like, Banksy other day was really sad.
Brittany:
I think I mentioned this inside out when I don't think you're there, but he was really grouchy, really sad, and he kept going to his pooh bear that talks emotions and clicking the sad one, and he kept like.
Brittany:
And the tone was just how he was feeling.
Brittany:
And I was like, are we sad?
Brittany:
And he'd be like, hmm.
Brittany:
I was like, I know we're sad.
Taylor:
Today, and it's good that you like.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Taylor:
And rather than shaming him in that moment, you validate.
Taylor:
And I've had to really work on this with my.
Taylor:
My teenager, my eight year old.
Taylor:
Like, let's validate your emotions.
Taylor:
Let's talk about what's gotten you to this point.
Taylor:
Let's gently.
Taylor:
And that is like a gentle parenting thing with a boundary.
Brittany:
Right?
Brittany:
Like, 100%.
Taylor:
We're going to talk about this.
Taylor:
We're going to express, why are you feeling this way?
Taylor:
Okay, let's dive into this.
Taylor:
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.
Taylor:
You don't have to fix it.
Taylor:
You don't.
Brittany:
You don't want to.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Because the thing is, and this inside out to show.
Brittany:
Yes.
Brittany:
This guy.
Brittany:
You need all your emotions.
Taylor:
You do.
Brittany:
You need all of them.
Brittany:
And I don't want to change what he's experiencing.
Brittany:
I want to empower him to take the uncomfortable emotion, just and be able to hold that.
Taylor:
Yep.
Taylor:
Because without having those uncomfortable situations and sitting in those uncomfortable places, your child will not grow.
Brittany:
There's no resilience.
Taylor:
There's no resilience.
Taylor:
You can't.
Taylor:
You can't make progress if you don't put yourself in a place to allow for that.
Brittany:
Yes.
Brittany:
So using the Koh analogy, when he did not eat, I had to be like, yes.
Brittany:
You know, you did naughty's.
Brittany:
You need to.
Brittany:
And you feel guilty that you know, you did naughty's.
Brittany:
So I was definitely like, koa, that was bad boy.
Brittany:
And then he, like, stared, and he was so sad.
Brittany:
I cleaned it up, and then I moved on, and I was like, koh, you wanna come snuggle?
Brittany:
You wanna go do like we were gonna go do?
Brittany:
Um, I was going to get Koa to go do snuggles and reading books with banks.
Brittany:
So then I just moved on with whatever we were doing.
Brittany:
Right.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
And Koa was great.
Brittany:
Boy, has he eaten any toys today?
Brittany:
No, he has not.
Brittany:
You know, and that's where.
Brittany:
So this is a balance.
Brittany:
The expectation was maintained, but I did not take it out on him.
Taylor:
More like, no, you didn't punish him for that.
Brittany:
He got his punishment by him.
Brittany:
Sadness.
Taylor:
Right.
Brittany:
I was like, you're sad.
Brittany:
Thank you for.
Brittany:
And that's where, when you see it click in them.
Brittany:
Okay, you.
Brittany:
You got the message.
Brittany:
Now how are we gonna repair?
Brittany:
What are we gonna do to move on?
Brittany:
You don't need to wallow in this now.
Brittany:
You don't need to tell me you're a terrible human being.
Brittany:
Like, that's terrible.
Taylor:
That's so sad.
Taylor:
You don't need to do that.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
No.
Taylor:
An example I'm thinking of with this, that my daughter's therapist has done really well with her is she's been processing through a lot of feelings of, like, hurt and anger.
Taylor:
Okay.
Taylor:
And so her, sometimes her actions were very aggressive.
Taylor:
She was.
Taylor:
She was using all of these feelings as justification for some angry outbursts that I hadn't seen from her before.
Taylor:
And.
Taylor:
And her therapist finally was like, Adeline, where is this stemming from?
Taylor:
I know that you're feeling angry, but I need you to break this down.
Taylor:
I need.
Taylor:
And she's like, you need to stop doing these things.
Brittany:
Right?
Taylor:
Like, stop doing XYZ.
Taylor:
This is not an okay behavior.
Taylor:
Like, developmentally, you are passive.
Taylor:
This.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Taylor:
You should not be lashing out like this.
Taylor:
You're acting emotionally.
Taylor:
And she called her out.
Taylor:
She's like, you were acting emotionally immature in these situations, and then in these situations, you're actually emotionally mature.
Taylor:
Stop doing that.
Taylor:
And then she's like, where is the anger stemming from?
Taylor:
And so Adeline left from a therapy session.
Taylor:
She's like, she asked me to journal where the anger was stemming from, and I don't actually know.
Taylor:
And it was interesting because now she has had to sit in this.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Taylor:
And she's having to process this, and I'm wasn't going to take that away from her.
Brittany:
No, but that's what you need.
Taylor:
That's what you need.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Taylor:
And so in these moments, like, validate those feelings and.
Taylor:
And not shame her.
Taylor:
I didn't say, you know, oh, you should not be feeling angry.
Taylor:
Like, that's why you've been lashing out.
Taylor:
Like, how dare you do these things because of anger.
Taylor:
No, it's like, okay, let's move forward.
Taylor:
Like, let's start.
Taylor:
Let's start identifying other emotions that you're feeling as well.
Taylor:
Let's focus on some of these other emotions.
Taylor:
And I like that.
Taylor:
Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brittany:
That's.
Brittany:
I think that at the end of the day, that's what true empowerment is, is can you be okay not being okay?
Brittany:
And can.
Brittany:
Are you scared of the uncomfortable emotions?
Brittany:
And I think that's something that I've learned with a lot of people is that's what's trained in us.
Brittany:
You know?
Brittany:
Like, we're scared of being scared.
Brittany:
We're scared of being uncomfortable.
Brittany:
We're scared of being sad.
Brittany:
And, like.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
And that's why our behaviors reflect whatever they're reflecting, because they're trying to guard us from feeling any of those things.
Brittany:
And the minute that you can tell your kid, you will be okay if you're sad, like, the day banks was really grouchy and sad, it's like, bubba, I get it.
Brittany:
I have grouchy days, too.
Brittany:
I know.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Taylor:
Well, no, I think.
Taylor:
I don't know if it was a millennial thing or just my own perfectionist tendencies.
Taylor:
But I know growing up, it was one of those.
Taylor:
I did not allow myself to feel sad, or I did not allow myself to feel angry, because I had seen these things modeled in different ways, that I didn't want to be the sad person.
Taylor:
I didn't want to be the angry person.
Taylor:
Like, and I had a really hard time accepting that those are valid emotions, and we're going to process them, and we're going to move on.
Taylor:
And I remember probably a year ago when I was really angry.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Taylor:
And I was like, I'm angry.
Taylor:
I'm feeling angry.
Taylor:
I owned it.
Brittany:
You still worked on separating your behavior from your.
Taylor:
I did, but that's.
Brittany:
I think that's the key, is, like, it is separating.
Taylor:
Really?
Brittany:
Yeah.
Brittany:
You're actually.
Brittany:
You allowed yourself to be what?
Taylor:
To be angry.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Taylor:
And I had suppressed that for years.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Taylor:
And that was not healthy.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Taylor:
So 100%, as we're parenting, our children, let them process those feelings.
Taylor:
Like, that is so.
Taylor:
Cause that's something I just hid for so long.
Taylor:
People didn't know.
Taylor:
Like, I was talking to a friend recently, and he was like, I can never tell exactly what you're thinking because I look at you and you look okay.
Taylor:
And he's like, but I know that there's more going on in your head.
Taylor:
You know?
Taylor:
And as soon as he said that, I just burst into tears and was like, I have all these things in my head.
Taylor:
But, like, it was.
Taylor:
It was just one of those, like, don't hide it.
Taylor:
Like, yeah, validate your children's feelings.
Taylor:
Process them, set their boundaries.
Brittany:
I think it's really cool, too, because I.
Brittany:
You just made me think of, like, within my own relationship with my husband.
Brittany:
Like, he does a really good job with.
Brittany:
I can be such.
Brittany:
I can be really mean to him.
Brittany:
I can really stop.
Taylor:
I want you to stick around.
Taylor:
Like, she can be really mean again sometimes.
Brittany:
Okay.
Brittany:
But he can be really mean to, like, he can.
Brittany:
Yeah, we're paired, but, yeah.
Brittany:
I think the key here isn't so much about the meanness.
Brittany:
It's about we allow each other to have our true emotions, and we don't hold it against each other.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
That is the really, really big key, because when I first experienced with my husband, I was like, oh, my goodness, he's gonna leave me.
Brittany:
He's gonna hate me.
Taylor:
Like, yeah.
Brittany:
You know, and.
Brittany:
And he just moved right on.
Brittany:
And I was like, but it.
Taylor:
What's interesting is you both were so blunt and direct and to the point, and you're like, here's what I'm feeling.
Taylor:
This is why I'm feeling it.
Brittany:
And we can shred it down in five minutes.
Taylor:
Now move on.
Brittany:
We can get through.
Taylor:
What happened was so opposite of how I deal with conflict, because for me, I'm like, oh, my God.
Taylor:
Like, and this is something I'm actually really working on.
Taylor:
I've talked to my therapist about this as well, but, like.
Taylor:
But there for the longest time, I would internalize things.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Taylor:
Like I had said with my other emotions.
Brittany:
Right.
Taylor:
And I was like, oh, I'm fine.
Taylor:
When really inside, I was like, oh, my gosh.
Taylor:
So much fire and brimstone and hell going on.
Taylor:
But that's.
Taylor:
And Taylor and Madison are just like, get it out there.
Taylor:
Take care of this crap.
Taylor:
Move on.
Taylor:
And it's.
Brittany:
But it's because each other.
Brittany:
We allow each other to not hold it against each other.
Brittany:
And I think that's been.
Taylor:
The communication is so open because of that.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Brittany:
Well, it's allowed for us to get even more real because I was thinking about it, because today we.
Brittany:
I found random questions on Instagram for, like, couples, and we were asking each other stuff, and.
Brittany:
And he was like, what was one time where you felt like you were seen by your partner?
Brittany:
Was the question?
Brittany:
And I was like, well, when we were dating, you could tell by the shift in my eyes, my emotions.
Brittany:
And I'm thinking, like, he doesn't really do that now.
Brittany:
And I'm like, oh, he doesn't have to do that now because I just straight up be like, my.
Taylor:
You don't have to have the signs in.
Brittany:
I don't have to have any signs.
Brittany:
He can read my signs really well, still.
Brittany:
He doesn't have to because I just.
Brittany:
Yeah, I just say whatever.
Brittany:
Nita says, whatever.
Brittany:
But I think that's the key, is that's what we want our children to be.
Brittany:
Whatever emotion is presented, we can take it.
Brittany:
That's our job, guys.
Brittany:
Yep.
Brittany:
Like, my baby being sad made me really sad.
Taylor:
I'm not gonna lie.
Brittany:
I'm gonna be like, oh, I don't want him to feel this.
Brittany:
And then I had to do, like, a therapist, check for myself and be like, but he has to.
Taylor:
He has to learn how to navigate.
Brittany:
To learn to be okay.
Brittany:
Not being okay.
Brittany:
He has to learn to be grouches.
Taylor:
Yep.
Taylor:
My daughter has to learn how to navigate anger, even though I'm a punching guy for that.
Taylor:
She has to learn how to navigate this.
Brittany:
And as parents, I think that's why we need each other, because we are the punching bags.
Brittany:
We are going to take the hits and we are going to sit there and be like, oh, my goodness.
Brittany:
I don't want you to be sad.
Brittany:
I don't want you to do this.
Brittany:
Yes, but we have to let them.
Brittany:
And that's the thing that we're talking about today is, like, boundaries are all about letting our kids experience the things they need to within a safe and healthy realm while also requiring a lot of them.
Brittany:
And it's a hard job.
Brittany:
Guys, next week we are going to break it down into, like, why both of these matter and how to do this.
Brittany:
Like, what this actually looks like in the tools to do this.
Taylor:
I'm so excited.
Taylor:
Like, the reflective listening has been so good for me.
Taylor:
So we're gonna break that down next week just for, like, validating your children and their feelings.
Taylor:
Reflective listening is so good for any communication pattern.
Brittany:
Like, yeah, yeah.
Brittany:
The two tips that we have are really, really good.
Brittany:
So I think this is a really important subject, though.
Brittany:
Like, we need each other, parent.
Brittany:
As parents.
Brittany:
We do.
Taylor:
It does take a village a hundred.
Brittany:
Percent because this is hard.
Brittany:
Like, watching babies suffer is not fun.
Taylor:
No.
Brittany:
But I also know that, like, I, again, it comes back to my question.
Brittany:
Like, I want a healthy, well rounded human being.
Brittany:
I need my baby to be able to experience what sadness is and to be able to take that.
Taylor:
Yep.
Taylor:
Because then they aren't having to deal with it.
Taylor:
Like, I was learning to deal with anger at 36.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Taylor:
-:
Taylor:
Yeah.
Taylor:
But, yeah, like, sit in those uncomfortable spots, learn to grow with it and not feel the shame.
Taylor:
Yeah.
Taylor:
So.
Brittany:
So what we're going to do next episode is we're going to highlight the concepts that we talked about.
Brittany:
So the boundaries and why.
Brittany:
Boundaries, how they can interact with empathy.
Brittany:
Well, we're going to talk briefly about parenting styles, too, so you can kind of figure out where you range.
Brittany:
Are you?
Brittany:
I tend to be a little bit more honestly in the middle because that's my personality.
Brittany:
I can be combative when I need to be and I can be.
Taylor:
And I'm.
Brittany:
I've got permissive when I need to be.
Taylor:
Brittany's permissive, so I'm not fully permissive, though.
Brittany:
You're permissive because that learns to not be permissive.
Taylor:
Yes, that's because I do have boundaries for my children.
Brittany:
No, no, but we're talking about instincts, so my instincts.
Taylor:
Oh, my natural instinct is totally permissive.
Brittany:
I was like, no, you correct it to be the one that needs to be.
Brittany:
So we're going to talk about those and you can kind of assess yourself, like, where you think you're at.
Taylor:
I have not fully corrected, but I'm working on it.
Brittany:
Well, I correct more, too, with a partner as well.
Brittany:
So, like, I tend to be.
Taylor:
Yeah, we'll dive into this next week.
Brittany:
Yeah.
Brittany:
I was like, we'll talk about it, but just think about it.
Brittany:
This week of for gentle parenting versus balanced parenting, that's all we want is balance in all things.
Brittany:
So are we balanced in how we present things?
Brittany:
Are we balanced in how we're supporting our child, not letting them take hits and not having restraints on them is not serving them as a well rounded human?
Brittany:
Nope.
Brittany:
Society has rules.
Brittany:
We abide by them.
Brittany:
Social norms, all these things.
Brittany:
Your child needs to know that.
Taylor:
Yep.
Taylor:
I love it.
Taylor:
Amen.
Brittany:
Amen.
Brittany:
All right.
Taylor:
All right.
Taylor:
So catch us next week.
Taylor:
Super.
Taylor:
Part two of all this conversation and the application, which is so important.
Brittany:
We also have a special guest coming this month, Miss Mo from the yoga studio.
Taylor:
So exciting.
Brittany:
Freaking love Mo.
Brittany:
Mo is a nurse.
Brittany:
She's been in the medical field for many, many years.
Brittany:
She was in geriatrics nursing for a long time.
Taylor:
Very excited to have.
Brittany:
Now she's.
Brittany:
I think she's in medical stuff.
Brittany:
I don't remember exactly what she progressed into now because she's a builder, but she's a yoga teacher and she's amazing and I love her so much.
Brittany:
And tune in for that one because she is truly a great human.
Brittany:
And we're going to talk about affirmations and confidence and she is such a.
Taylor:
We have some really great guests lined up to come on.
Brittany:
Yeah, we've really tried to gather some good guests to support people who have.
Taylor:
Influenced our own parenting styles and life outlooks and.
Taylor:
Yeah, it'd be good.
Brittany:
Yeah, mo just makes me happy every Saturday.
Taylor:
Love it.
Brittany:
We go to her yoga class and I'm like, I adore her, so check that out, too.
Taylor:
All right, don't forget to find us on social media for all of our updates.
Taylor:
You can find us under Ohane counseling, and then don't forget to rate us so we can help share the love with others.
