In this episode, Tracy explains why forgiveness isn’t passive, instant, or pretending the hurt didn’t happen—it’s an active, ongoing choice that makes healing and growth possible in your marriage. She unpacks what forgiveness is (and isn’t), shows what it can look like in real-life scenarios, and challenges both spouses to not only give forgiveness but ask for it with humility.

--

The PursueGOD Family podcast helps you think biblically about marriage and parenting. Join Bryan and Tracy Dwyer on Wednesday mornings for new topics every week or two.

Find resources to talk about these episodes at pursueGOD.org/family.

Help others go "full circle" as a follower of Jesus through our 12-week Pursuit series.

Click here to learn more about how to use these resources at home, with a small group, or in a one-on-one discipleship relationship.

Got questions or want to leave a note? Email us at podcast@pursueGOD.org.

Donate Now

--

Gary Chapman's book: The Five Languages of Apology

Video from the Marriage Channel: The F Word that Can Save Your Marriage

Forgiveness in Marriage: The Choice That Changes Everything

Every marriage will face hurt. Expectations will be missed. Words will be spoken in frustration. Sometimes there will even be deep betrayal. The question isn’t if you’ll need forgiveness in your marriage — it’s whether you’ll choose it.

Forgiveness is not passive. It’s not pretending the hurt didn’t happen. And it’s not a “magic eraser” that wipes away pain overnight. Biblical forgiveness is an active, ongoing choice. It’s the decision to release the offense so that healing and growth can begin.

When Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive someone, Jesus answered, “seventy times seven.” Matthew 18:21-22. That wasn’t a literal number — it was a posture. Forgiveness is meant to characterize the heart of a follower of Christ.

What Forgiveness Is

1. Forgiveness Is a Choice

Forgiveness doesn’t always feel natural. It’s a deliberate decision not to replay the offense over and over or use it as ammunition in the next argument. It’s choosing not to hold your spouse hostage to their failure.

2. Forgiveness Is a Gift

You’re giving your spouse space to grow. You’re saying, “You hurt me, but I’m willing to move forward instead of weaponizing this against you.” It creates room for rebuilding.

3. Forgiveness Is Active and Ongoing

Some wounds are deep. If there has been infidelity, addiction, or repeated betrayal, forgiveness may not be a one-time event. It may be something you choose daily — even moment by moment — as painful memories resurface.

4. Forgiveness Means Giving Up Vengeance

Holding onto bitterness may feel justified, but it poisons your heart. Hebrews 12:15 warns about the “poisonous root of bitterness.” Revenge does not create healing soil for reconciliation.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It does not minimize the offense. And it does not automatically restore trust.

Trust and forgiveness are not the same thing. Forgiveness is a proactive gift. Trust is rebuilt over time through consistent behavior. If your spouse betrayed you, forgiveness opens the door for healing — but trust must be earned.

God’s Model for Marriage

As followers of Jesus, our ultimate model is God Himself.

Ephesians 4:32 tells us to be “kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”

Psalm 103:10-12 reminds us that God does not treat us as our sins deserve. He removes our sins “as far from us as the east is from the west.”

Romans 5:8 declares that Christ died for us while we were still sinners.

When we remember how much we’ve been forgiven, it softens our hearts toward our spouse. We’ve offended a holy God far more than our spouse has offended us — yet He forgives with compassion.

What Forgiveness Looks Like in Real Life

Scenario 1: Missed Expectations

Maybe your spouse is chronically late. They forget anniversaries. They don’t plan date nights. Forgiveness here might look like clearly communicating your expectations instead of silently building resentment. It might mean maintaining a posture that wants your spouse to succeed — not secretly hoping they fail so you can feel justified.

It also means refusing to live in “negative sentiment override,” constantly focusing on their flaws. Instead, choose to remember the qualities you love about them and invite trusted mentors or counselors to help you grow.

Scenario 2: Betrayal (Pornography Relapse or Infidelity)

This is heavier. Forgiveness in this case does not mean ignoring the betrayal. It means honest confrontation, outside help, accountability structures, and clear expectations.

Forgiveness says, “I’m willing to give you space to rebuild trust.” It does not eliminate consequences, but it removes vengeance from the equation so healing can begin.

Many couples have rebuilt after devastating betrayal — but it only happened because the offended spouse was willing to extend forgiveness, and the offending spouse was willing to earn trust.

When You Need to Ask for Forgiveness

Forgiveness isn’t only about giving it. Sometimes you need to ask for it.

That requires humility. It means taking responsibility without shifting blame. It means saying clearly what you did wrong and asking for forgiveness.

Healthy marriages are built when both spouses know how to forgive and how to repent.

The Better Way Forward

Bitterness is like gasoline on a fire. Forgiveness is the extinguisher. One destroys; the other creates space for rebuilding.

If you want a healthy marriage, forgiveness cannot be optional. Pray for a softened heart. Meditate on how God has forgiven you. Choose forgiveness — again and again.

It’s not easy. But it is freeing. And it is God-honoring.